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Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls podcasts, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for session seventy five of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. A couple of weeks ago for our three for Thursday chat, a few of you asked me to do an episode about self sabotage, and that's what we'll discussing today. What is it, why do we do it? And how to stop so? What is self sabotage? Self sabotage is the often subconscious behaviors and thoughts that get in the way of us achieving what we say we actually want. You might also refer to it as block in your own blessings. Here are a few examples you know that mornings are when you're your most productive, but still you stay up late every night watching Netflix. Or you've procrastinated and waited for the last minute and now you don't have time to thoroughly review or have someone else look over that fellowship application, or how about this one. You've noticed a pattern where you'll date someone pretty heavily for about six months, and then right around that six month mark, you realize you really don't think you have that much in common. I'm not saying, I'm just saying, and I'm sure you have your own examples. You know that I want to hear them, so share them with us on social media using the hashtag TPG and session. So in each of these cases, we're in some way working against what we say we actually want. Why do we do this? In my experience, it appears there are four major reasons why we self sabotage. One fear of failure to fear of success. Three we don't believe we actually deserve good things, and four imposter syndrome. Let's take a look at each of them a little more closely. Fear of failure. You know this, this is that unshakable worry that I won't actually be successful at this thing I'm trying, and so I don't even try at all. It tends to happen a lot for people who are used to doing well, and so the idea that they might not do well as something can sometimes leave them paralyzed. Fear of success is fear of failure is annoying little brother because in some ways it feels pretty ridiculous. You're working really hard at this thing, and so of course he wants to be successful. But sometimes, and like I said, a lot of this plays out subconsciously. When we're not used to operating on a certain level, it feels more comfortable to just stay where we are. So I love to have closer friendships or more friendships, but I've been betrayed by friends in the past, so I don't actually do the work to cultivate deeper friendships because on some level I expect or I'm afraid I'll be hurt again. We don't believe we deserve good things, You know how You can be super excited that your friends are getting promotions and getting engaged and taking amazing trips around the country, but you also feel like these things won't happen for you. That's what we're talking about here the belief that good things happen to other people because they're worthy and they deserve it, but you don't. So if you don't believe that you deserve these things, then you don't act in accordance with it, and thereby your sabotaging yourself. This often comes from a place of trauma, maybe some unresolved childhood stuff where your needs weren't met or you were told that you were too needy, and so you internalize that message and now you act as if you don't have needs or desires. And then, finally, the imposter syndrome. This is the belief that you're not actually smart enough, or well trained enough, or whatever enough to be occupying the spaces that you're in, Like somehow you're a fraud and you're just playing the role of whatever it is. And if you feel like a fraud or that you're just playing dress up, it can lead to a lot of anxiety and perhaps behaving in ways that ultimately undermine your rightful space and whatever this position is. So what do we do about it? Here are a few tips. The first step, once you become aware that this is what's happening, is to acknowledge that it is happening, and to be honest with yourself about how you might be getting in your own way. Tip number two, try to get to the root of what's coming up for you. What are you afraid will happen if this thing happens. What's the worst thing that will happen if you're successful. This is where some journaling can be really helpful in making sense of what's happening. Tip number three solicit the help of an accountability partner and a therapist. Your accountability partner should be someone you give permission to call you out when they see you attempting to sabotage again, and a therapist can really help you dig into the root causes of what's leading to this behavior. If you try thinking about it and journaling about it and you can't come up with anything, then talking to a therapist just might help. Tip number four. Find a mentor or a consultant who has walked the path that you're wanting to go down and ask lots of questions. Read any books that they've written, pay attention to their social media, go and hear them speak. All of these things might give you some insight to help you feel less afraid of taking the next steps. And then tip number five, make yourself an outline of what needs to happen for you to get to the next level. What small steps can you take to get some traction? If you're wanting to make new friends, where will you go to find new potential friends? If you're ready to start your business, what should be the first steps? Making yourself a game plan in writing it down and then starting small with steps one and two is all you need to commit to get things moving. So again, I'm curious to hear about what this looks like in your lives. I know many of you struggle with this because you ask for this topic to be addressed. So tell me what's happening or there are particular areas you find yourself sabotaging, What has helped you to notice when you're doing it, and what has helped you to stop? Let me know on social media and make sure to use the hashtag tb G in session. I'm sure we'll be having a very extensive conversation about this over the Thrive tribe. So if you haven't already joined us, then you may want to come on and do so. Now you can request a joint at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Tribe and make sure to answer the three questions that are asked. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, be sure to visit the therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. Don't forget to check out the Therapy for Black Girls store to grab yourself a T shirt or mug and show your love for the podcast. You can find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash shop. Thank you all so much for joining me again this week, and I look forward to continue in this conversation with you all real soon. Take a care