Session 72: Building Intentional Relationships

Published Aug 22, 2018, 7:00 AM
Today's episode features my conversation with Melissa Dumaz, LMFT about creating intentional relationships with our partners. Melissa and I chatted about the best ways to be more intentional in your relationship, how to fight fair, the importance of apologies and how to offer them correctly, and she shared her favorite resources, including her book, The Love Challenge.

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Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls Podcasts, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for Sessions Company, one of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Today's episode it's all about being more mindful and intentional in your relationship with your partner. For this convert station, I was joined by Melissa Doomas. Melissa is a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in guiding clients through the complexities of overcoming emotional and physical trauma and grief and loss. Melissa passionately supports women through the everyday stressors of modern womanhood, marriage, pregnancy, and life as a new mom. Melissa sees clients through her private practice You Help You where she believes that a healthy you starts with you making new, healthier choices to live your best life. Melissa and I chatted about the best ways to be more intentional in your relationship, how to fight fair, the importance of apologies and how to offer them correctly, and she shared her favorite resources, including her book The Love Challenge. If you hear something you think others should hear while listening, please be sure to share it with us on social media using the hashtag tb G in Session. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for joining us today, Melissa, thank you for having me. I'm very excited to have you here. I always like to have a couple of therapists on the show, just because they're always like lots of relationship questions and the thrived tribe and with people right into me. So I'd like to have the express come on to talk about like what happens with couples, because I don't do couples therapy. So I know that you just came out with a book called The Love Challenge, which I love, so I got a copy of it for everybody who hasn't gotten their copy yet. I gotta sneak peek and I really love that it really talks about like how to be more intentional in your relationships. So can you talk a little bit, Melissa about like how you can craft some of these intentional practices in your relationship. Yes, absolutely, I think that you know, in our relationships, especially when we've been with someone for a while, sometimes we get on autopilot or we tend to forget all of the fun and flirty things that we used to do in the beginning, and so it's helpful to just kind of have a refresh course, you know, about what those feelings were. And I think it's important for us to be intentional daily and not just waiting for special moments such as anniversary, birthdays, Valentine's say, things of that nature, but just daily, any small gestures that we can make in our relationship to keep the love growing. And I'm glad you mentioned that because I do think sometimes, like when you have been in a relationship for a while, people start to get really anxious when those quote unquote sparks kind of leave right thinking, oh, this must mean that something's going on, But really it just could be that you do need to be more intentional about maybe connecting with your partner, reconnecting with your partner. Absolutely, Sometimes we forget that there are things that we can do within our relationship to reignite that spark. You know, I think it's common that we will look at our spouse or our significant other and and look at the things that they're not doing. Rather than taking a step back, I can say, Okay, well, what's something that I can do to reignite this or something that I can do to let my significant other know that that I'm still present and that I still love him or her just the same. So what do you see, Melissa, and some of the barriers that get in the way for couples of trying to be more intentional with one another. So I will be honest with you, Dr Julid. I appreciate my work with couples. I appreciate when couples come to see me and they grow in their relationship or in their marriage. But the truth is, couples therapy is something that chose me. I predominantly work with women in my private practice, and women that have experienced either recent or past traumas, grief and loss, and I work with women in all stages of motherhood and quite often in my work with women that have had children or women that have been in a relationship for a while, things come up such as, you know, the relationship isn't the same, the relationship has gotten a little stale, and more significantly, when when you know, children get involve because as a parent, we spend a lot of time taking care of the kids, and you know, by the end of the day sometimes we're exhausted. And so I wanted to provide the individuals that I see, the women and the men and the couple, something that they can do to daily to be able to build upon and to continue to grow their relationship because we get burned out. Would work with dealing with the kids and just the day to day task that can take away from us being intentional in our relationships. So how do you suggest couples make space for them? Like you mentioned, you know, we're often doing so many different things. What kinds of tips of strategies do you offer for a couple is to try to make the time to do that. Oh, yes, absolutely. Some of the strategies that I recommend is just having daily conversation and some of those tips and doing that is when you're significant. Other walks through the door put your phone down, turn the TV off, and provide them with your attention rather with it saying you know, hi, how was your day, What were some of the best parts of your day? What were some of the challenging parts of your day? And just taking a few minutes in that moment when they walk in to give them your full undivided attention, it can make such a world of difference in the dynamics and the relationship and what about you know, I think that that can work sometimes with um, like if it's just you and your partner. But like you mentioned, when kids are involved, you know, like who knows when anybody's walking through the door, right, Like you have little ones running around, like you just you know, I find it hard to kind of just keeping attention to everything. So which strategy do you have to offer? Like you said, once little ones are involved in the picture, Once little ones are involved, I think it's important for couples to have scheduled date nights, And you would do scheduled date nights that um fit within your budget and fit within your lifestyle. At the very minimum, I recommend that couples do them at least once a month. If it's something that's not in the budget because we know once you add children, then you have the added cost of childcare. So if it's something that's not in the budget, I recommend couples do it after the children go to bed, and that date night could be as simple as deciding on a movie that you're gonna watch together and spend that time cuddling and watching the movie, or having dessert together after the kids go to bed, or having a game night, you know, playing your favorite games together at home once the kids go to bed. Some of my favorite things are taught taking that time to give each other's undivided attention the children are sleeping, or the day is done, your work is done, and you get to just sit with each other and just share, you know, the desires of your heart, share your goals, and and to talk about the things that bring joy to the both of you. So those are some of the things that that you can do at home. Some of the other things that you can do is love notes. I'm a big fan of love notes. Providing a love note. I think you know now we live in an age where technology is all around us and it's not going anywhere, if anything, it's just advancing more so taking a moment just to write your love one a love note. Rather you're doing it be a pen and paper, a post it, you know, something short, sweet and simple that will take a few minutes of your time but can bring a smile to your significant other's day and change the us of their day as well. Yeah, I think back to like when you were a kid and you would find like a little note in your lunch box from like your parents, right like that that would make you really excited, and that kind of make time and doesn't wear off when we're adults, right like, it's still a nice unexpected surprise when you find right, Yes, absolutely, it is a nice unexpected surprise. And and as you're talking about, you know, getting a note in your lunch box as a kid, it just gave me the biggest smile, the biggest cheese on my face. And so yeah, if you are you know, packing your significant others lunch at night or in the morning, or sending them along their day, you can put a note in their work bag. You can put it in an unexpected spot where they can find it, and you can bring a smile to their day to let them know you're you're thinking about them and you did one small thing to invest into your relationship that can go a long way. So something else that you stressed in your book, Melissa, was the importance of physical touch. Can you talk more about why that's important? Right? Absolutely, I believe that physical touch gives us an opportunity to reconnect. You know, we may spend a lot of time throughout our day and in the absence of our significant other, whether it's because we're at work, or they're at work, or we're just busy. So providing physical touch just gives you time to reconnect without using any words. Rather, that's the two of you driving in the car and you're reaching over and touching your significant other's hand or shoulder or arm, just to let them know that you know, I'm thinking of you, I'm here with you, I love you, I missed you throughout the day. There's so much to be said in physical connection without speaking any words. And sometimes that physical touch can be a hug, it can be a kiss at the beginning or the end of the day, anything that brings the two of you together physically so that you can feel each other's nonverbal behavior and share so much in that moment. Yeah, and I really love that you emphasize the fact that this doesn't have to be central, right, Like, in all of the examples you just offered, they weren't necessarily sexual. And I think sometimes when we think about physical touch, we assume that that means that that will lead to sex, right, and it definitely could. But what you're saying is that the importance of just kind of touching on a basic level is important in a relationship, right, absolutely, And and I'm a huge fan of UM for play is all day long, and you know that that may need to be my next book. You know, sex is huge, and sex it can be important in a relationship, especially if physical touch or physical connection is your loved ones love language. UM. However, I believe that there are small things that we can do throughout our day to prepare for sex if you're having sex in your relationship. And another reason why I left sex out is because the truth is I work with couples who are engaged, and I work with individuals who are in relationships and they're abstaining until marriage, and so I want them to know that there are ways that they can connect with their significant other, um, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever it may be, and it not have to be physical or sexual, I should say it does not have to be sexual, right, right, So there's something else that really enjoyed. And I had to chuckle it myself because one of your chapters UM talked about the importance of like offering a correct apology, UM, and you ask people to raise their hand if they had trouble with apologies. I had to silently raise my hand also, UM. But we'll talk to me about like the importance of apologies and the correct way to apologize. Yes, absolutely, and and Dr Joy, I'm raising my hand right there with you offering offering an apolology. It's not easy for all of us, you know, it can be happened. I think when we're offering an apology, there's a lot of things happening there. It's putting us in a place of vulnerability. It's putting us in a place where we're having to admit to wrong. It's putting us in a place where we're having to admit or to look at our own behavior and how our behavior UM is impacting those around us. So there's so many layers to it, and it definitely requires a certain amount of awareness or willingness to be that aware and then so once we recognize that any we see that we need to go back and apologize. It's important to do it from a meaningful heart place and not just okay, i'm sorry, you know, with attitude or or with gripe. You know that doesn't feel good. And so I think a proper apology means that you have really identified what it is that you did or said wrong, and you are apologizing for it, and then you're making a commitment to not do it again, which is tough because if it's something of habit, you know, or something that's happening impulsively, you know there are the chances that it may happen again. But you're making a commitment to not do it again and to it into the very least try your best to not do it again. So that takes you back to being mindful. That takes you back to being mindful of your own behavior when you're now committing to not doing that thing or saying that thing again. And then now you're asking for forgiveness, and you're asking for forgiveness so that you know is your apology well received, is it being accepted? Um? What if it's something that like your partner has done before here, and so you know, they're apologizing again and they ask do you forgive them? But the forgiveness may be kind of hesitant at this point, right because now you've done this more than once, right, absolutely, And I think that is a place to to discuss, to discuss within their relationship, to discuss with their therapists if they have one. I think that's important to even bring up, you know, and saying hey, babe, I hear you. However, this isn't the first time this has happened, so let's talk about preventing this from happening in the future. And if your partner is not ready to forgive you, I think that you have to be okay with that. You have to allow them space and time to process on their own and to forgive when they're ready. We apologize, doesn't mean that we're automatically forgiven, got it. I'm glad you said that because I think I was a little confused there. Um, And I do think it's important to talk about. You know, just because somebody apologizes doesn't mean that you have to automatically forgive them. It may take them some time to get to a space where they can forgive, right, absolutely, Absolutely, and I'm glad you brought that up to because that definitely needs clarification. And I actually recently wrote an article about when you know some of the top few times when it's not okay to accept an apology, so I can share that article with you as well. Can we hear some of winners sometimes where you're not okay to the accept apology. Yeah, absolutely so. Some of the times when it's not okay to an accepted apology is when the person is doing it over and over again and not making any means to change their behavior, so now the apology becomes more routine than a heart felt something that they're looking to change their actions or their words. When you're not ready to an accept an apology. When we accept an apology, it's for us, you know, to release those things within ourselves. It's not for the other person. So when we're not ready, it's okay to say, you know what, I'm not ready. Rather we still have some work within to be done, or we're not ready to hear it. I think that's okay too. So those were some of the top two reasons. And another time is when they pology does not feel genuine. Again, going back to when it just feels like routine, when it just feels like something that someone has said. But if you and your heart of hearts do not feel genuine, then it's okay to not accept it or to not be ready to accept it. And I hope that people hear that right, because I think sometimes arguments or disagreements can escalate when somebody like apologizes and they feel like they should be forgiven, and then they feel either rejected or feel whatever they feel because the apology is not immediately accepted. Right, absolutely, absolutely, and it's okay to say that. You know, it's okay to say I hear you, I appreciate you making the effort to apologize, but I'm not ready to accept it. I still have some work or some things I want to work on, and I will get back to you when i'm ready. So related to this topic, I also want to make sure that we spend some time talking about how to fight fair, because of course that comes up with couples. I mean, they're not You're not always going to agree on everything, but there are some ways that you can fight more fair, and you know, trying to have a better discussion about something that you don't agree with. So you listed out several different ways that are not fighting fair. Can you talk about some of those things that get in the way of us actually fighting fair? Right? Absolutely, So, I think that we all have a way that we resolve conflict, and sometimes that way that we resolve conflict isn't the healthiest And many times we're not even aware that we're doing it. It's just something that we've learned or that we have gotten comfortable with. So some of the ways of fighting fair, um that I see commonly in practices. One that's called brown bagging, which is you get upset with your partner about something they did, but then when you address it with them, you bring up everything including the kitchen sink that they did that you weren't happy with, rather than focusing on that one thing that they did in this moment. And so that seems to be a very common thing. You know, getting upset about point A, but now you're bringing up point A, B, C, D, and F. And I think it's important to focus on on that one thing that's happening in the moment and addressing that. And especially when let's say, for example, you're upset about point A and you've already addressed B and C. But now we're talking about B and C again. That can be kind of confusing in a relationship and it feels like the fight quote, it just continues rather than being resolved. Another one is blaming, which is very common. Oftentimes we get, you know, defensive when our significant others or someone we know may bring things to our attention, and rather than seeing our side in it, we get defensive and we start to blame, or we start to make statements that say things like, well, what about that time when you did or what about that time when this happened, rather than acknowledging our part in it, accepting it, and making the proper changes to change our behavior. Um Avoiding responsibility is i think another common one, rather than you know again, which is very similar to blaming. Rather than seeing your part in it, you're avoiding how you're responsible or how your behavior, how your actions and thoughts our heart in this as well. You know, sometimes we forget that we're in a relationship. We're not in this relationship alone. There's two of us here, and so we're both responsible. We're both to blame in some cases, and we need to take ownership over that, and the sooner you take ownership the sooner you can start to resolve whatever that underlying issue is. And so listen, I know that, like you mentioned, this often comes from like some long standing pattern. So of course who we are as a couple comes from who we are as individuals, right, And so a lot of whatever our baggage and our history is shows up when we are interacting with our partner. So in what ways do you work with couples or even individuals to help them realize, like, this is what they're doing and to start changing this behavior. Right, So one of the things that I mentioned in the book as you as you said, I give a list of about twenty of them. Actually I think there's a little bit a little overtunenty. There's about all thirty of them. Was twenty eight of them. So I give a list of those, and I asked that you identify which one you are. Sometimes we don't know it. Sometimes we are doing these things but we don't have a name for it, or our partner is able to plant it out to us, but we don't recognize we do it. So the first thing is to recognize it and to acknowledge it and to accept it, and then to make a commitment to change. Once I helped my clients to identify it. I asked them to, Okay, write down all of these things that you were doing in your relationship, your way of fighting dirty. Once we write them down and the book goes in this too, we literally crumble it up and we throw it in the trash. Because anything that is not helpful, that is not growing you or growing your relationship, needs to be tossed in the trash. So we literally throw it in a trash, and then we make a commitment to now to fight fair and not fighting fair. It boils down to having appropriate communication. One of the basic skills that I like to teach my couples and individuals is to use I statements you know that can make a huge impact, and how we share our feelings, how we share our thoughts with our significant other or other people around us, and how it's received. If I am able to say I feel a angry dr joy when when my significant other does not listen to me, and if I'm able to say that to my significant other using an ice statement rather than saying you make me angry when you don't listen to me. When we start with you, we automatically put the other person, our spouse or our friend, whoever we're sharing our feelings with, on defense, and they're already thinking, Okay, what did I do wrong? And it doesn't really give them a fair chance to hear the matters of your heart. So some of the basic things would just be starting with an ICE statement, identifying your feelings. Once you have an ICE statement and you're able to share that, being open to sharing your feelings, being able to say I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel slighted, you know, whatever those feelings are. And and in the book, I give a list of some feelings words because a lot of times we get stuck with happy, mad, sad, But there's so many other feelings out there that we're experiencing and it's important to share that. So something else and I really loved about the book, Melissa was um the attention paid to not keeping like a list of all of the things you know that you feel like your partner is not doing and all the things that you are doing. Um. And I think that that's so common. Why do you think we get into like this list building kind of activity. That's a great question, you know, And I laugh because it is common it is common, you know that I see in my work with couples. I see it in my own life, you know, rather it's with friends, family, or me personally. And it's true, you know, we we I think it goes back to just we're just not paying attention. We're focused on what's not happening then rather taking a moment to sit back and focus on all the wonderful things that are happening, you know, which is also connected to you know, having that heart of gratitude, and and when you're living in a place or being consistent with your gratitude, you don't have time to see what you're missing because you're so grateful for all the wonderful things that are happening around you. And um, you know, sometimes when we just get tired or we get exhausted, or when we don't know how to ask for help, we start looking at all the things that other people aren't doing or or that they're not helping with. Rather than using an ice statement and coming around and saying I feel tired, I felt exhausted, can you help me with and then fill in the blank, or I need help with and then fill in the blank. And that feels like it is kind of related to something else like you mentioned in the book M Mind Reading. Um, you know, because I think sometimes we don't like reach out for help or ask very specifically for what we need, because we think that our partner should just know, right like he should just know that I'm tired, or he should just know that I do X y Z as as opposed to I'm feeling exhausted. Can you help me with whatever? Right right? Absolutely absolutely, And it is important to to share that because our partner may not know, or our partner, you know, just as us, maybe stuck in their own little world, whether it's being on autopilot or bogged down with work, that they're not paying attention. So bringing it to their attention and being vulnerable and asking for help also sends the message that, oh, I need the message that your partners should be hearing. I need to be a little bit more attentive to my significant other. Something's going on and they're asking for help. And so I'm hoping that when you know, we go to our partner and ask for help, that triggers, you know, an alarming them to say, Okay, I'm so caught in my own stuff. I didn't notice so are there other UM lessons from the book that you feel like are really important to pay attention to that you want to make sure the audience kind of hear some inside about um. Absolutely UM. I think that some of the other messages would be random acts of kindness. I think that's extremely important, and not just you know, in our life with our partner, but in our everyday life. Just finding small things that you can do throughout, you know, your day, for your significant other, for your household, just to show kindness, just to take some of the load off of their plates. And it doesn't have to be the same thing every day. It could be something different that we're doing. And again, you know, I see a relationship, whether it's a friendship, a marriage, a professional relationship, I see it as a garden. And it's important for us to look at this garden and to water it, you know, and whether you're watering it with ice statements, whether you're watering it with random acts of kindness, whether you're watering it with appropriate communication, apologizing, it's important to water it if we wanted to continue to grow. In my household, we don't have an automated sprinkler system. So on the days that I decide to go out and water my grass. I'm literally reminded every day, like if I want my grass to grow, I want I have to water it. You know, when I look at my neighbor's grass and see how plesh and grain it is, he's out every day literally with his water host watering it. So we have to do the daily task of love in order for our love to grow. So if we want our love to grow, if we're unhappy, we have to look at our role in it and what are the things that we can do to grow that love, whether it's the love with with our children, with our friends, our family, significant others, um colleagues, whatever that love is. So I think that's important and looking at it as a garden, connect the relationship as a garden. We also have to pull the weeds, and that you know, could be throwing the things in the trash that aren't helpful, getting out there and literally on your knees and pulling those weeds up and then now healing, you know, and allowing this place to be a place of growth for all the things that we do love. Besides your book, are there other resources that you find yourself suggesting over and over to like your couples and your singles that you're working with. Absolutely, UM, there is a premarital course you know here. I'm in Southern California, so there is a premarital course here in Southern California that I often UM refer my clients too that are coming in and in a committed relationship and saying that they're looking to marry the person there with, but that they want, you know, more information about having a healthy marriage. We do some more here, but I also refer them there and if they make the choice to do the course, and that's great. UM. One of my favorite books is UM is a Five Love Languages. I really love that book. I read it years ago just for my own personal reference, and once I read it, then I started to UM refer it to friends, to family, and I started referring it to clients. That's a huge UM book. UM. Stephen Covey also has some great books out about, you know, building relationships and building mantras and building things within us that will help us to be better people and how we live our relationship and how we grow our families nice. And what are your thoughts about premirit accounseling Because I often hear people say like, oh, if you have to go to accounseling before it starts, then it must be in trouble um. I think it's again going back to the garden. I think it's important to pull whatever weeds you're identifying. Like you we can know like, hey, I want to be with this person, but there's just this one thing that I would like us to change. There's these two things I would like us to change. Then it's important to address them. I don't believe that they will just disappear and go away, and I don't believe that getting married will just solve them, and so it's better to be pro act them and to address those things now. And also, as you know, Dr Joy, counseling can have risk and benefits. And one of the examples that I give to my clients about the risk is that you can come in thinking that you want to be with this person for the rest of your life, and once you walk this journey together of having therapy as an individual or a couple, you may see some things that that that change your mind. And that's okay too, because then that's growth that you know, maturity and showing like you know what I was going to make the decision to live the rest of my life with this person. But now that I've had some counseling on some issues, I realized this relationship isn't for me, or this relationship isn't healthy, And so I think that's growth too, and being able to walk away rather than going through the wedding, looking up a couple of years later and realizing the issues that you have have only grown rather than diminished. Very good points, Very good points. So where can people find you online? Melissa? Your website as well as any social media handles you'd like to share? Awesome? UM. So my private practice is you help you, and that's the letter you UM. The word help and then the word you y o you and you help you UM means a healthy you starts with you. I believe that it's important for us to first identify. But you know what, Hey, there are some things that I need to work on, and when we are able to identify that, then we can start to make those important changes. So you help you UM is my website, You help you dot com. My social media handles are the same on all social media outlets. That's Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. That's at you help you. My name is Melissa dumas uh d u m a z Um would be my last name. That's where they can find me also, and as far as the book, The Love Challenge thirty Days Thirty Ways to Increase the Love in your Relationship that can be found on Amazon. That can also be found on my website. There's a link there to get you to purchase. It can also be found in Barnston Nobles, and I'm also looking to have it on Eye Books later this month. Sounds good. Well, all of that information will be included in the show notes, so everybody can find that pretty easily. Awesome. Thank you so much, Dr Joe, Well, thank you so much for joining us today, Melisa. I appreciate it. Thank you, I appreciate I appreciate being here. Thank you for having me. Absolutely, I'm so thankful Melissa was able to share her expertise with us today. To check out the resources that she shared and to learn more about her book and her practice, visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Session seventy one, and please make sure to share this episode with two people in your life or share your takeaways with us in your I G stories. Make sure to use the hashtag tv G in session so that we can share them. If you're listening to this episode. On August, I have a special treat for all of the love Is fans. You can join myself, Marlene Francois Madden, Jenny Johnson, and Las Shasta Bell for a live on the Couch video session all about Nuri and Yasia at a p m Eastern tonight. You can register to join us at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash love Is and even if you can't join us live, you'll still receive the replay. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, be sure to visit the therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And if you want to continue this conversation and join a community of other sisters who listen to the podcast, join us over in the Thrive tribe at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash tribe. Make sure you answer the three questions that are asked to gain entry. Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week, and I look forward to continue in this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care, Actor pill Doctor per Doctor Fioctor doctor doctor,

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