Am I Doing This Right? And 5 Other Questions About Therapy

Published May 15, 2019, 7:00 AM
In this week's episode I'm sharing my thoughts about some of the most common questions I get about therapy and the therapeutic process. 

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M h. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or to find a therapist in your area, visit our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Yeahall, thanks so much for joining me for session one oh seven of the Therapy for Black Girls podcasts. In today's episode, I wanted to spend some time talking more about what actually happens in therapy and answering some of the questions that you submitted about the therapeutic process. So we'll dig into that in just a moment, but first let's show some love for our sponsors. 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Again, it's available in the iOS app Store right now. It's coming to Android soon and the name of the app is Color Noir in O I R. Now, go ahead and get started on your beautiful images and share them with us on social media. Support for today's episode also comes from natural Sious. Natural Sious is the world's first vegan high performance hair care line that delivers the results of twelve products and only three. It's designed to reduce time spent on hair care and it's proven to save up to eighty percent of time on wash day. Natural Sious was founded by innovator In Jamir, who is the first and only African American woman to hold a pattern on a natural hair care product. These products are great specifically for busy women with curly and coily hair also known as four sea hair, and they're all natural. Their sulfate, parabin mineral oil, petroleum, gluten and cruelty free. I've been using the products on my hair for the past three months now and they're now the only things that I used. They leave my hair detangled after washing, shiny and super moisturized. It's the three step processed and the products all work beautifully together and they take far less time than any other process I've used before. They're definitely a complete lifesaver for me. So if you want to cut down on the amount of products you use and get some time back in your busy schedule, I definitely recommend you give them a try. You can find the Naturalicious products and over twelve hundred Sally stores nationwide are you can buy them online at natural sious dot net and just for our listeners, we have a ten percent off promo code. To use the promo code, go to natural sious dot net and enter the code joy j o y at check out to get ten percent off. Now let's get back to our episode. So, as I mentioned, I wanted to use our time today to chat more about the therapy process and to answer some questions y'all submitted about therapy. So let's go ahead and dig in. So the first question was what if I don't feel like I'm getting better with therapy? And I think it's really important to note that therapy is a process, so like any other process, it will definitely take some time. And I also think it's really important to figure out what does getting better look like for you. So as therapists, we often ask what we call the magic question, and that question is if you were to wake up tomorrow and be better, how would you know? What would be different in your answer to this question in some ways helps to frame the work that needs to be done in sessions. So if you've been contemplating therapy for a while and you've been holding in a lot, you may actually receive some immediate relief within the first few sessions of therapy simply from sharing your story with someone else. But it's also possible that sharing your story with someone else, especially if it's really painful, may result in you experiencing some distress as well. This is likely something that your therapist will talk with you about, and they'll also likely help you to practice what we call grounding techniques that help you to manage your feelings so that you can better manage talking about difficult topics. I also think it's important to talk with your therapist if they're not checking in with you already about the progress that you feel like you are or are not making in therapy. You also have to remember that you're likely only spending one hour out of your whole weekend therapy, so you're making progress will depend in large part on what you're doing outside of the office as well. Are you completing any assigned homework that they give you. Are you reading books or watching videos related to your concerns. Are you thinking about what's been said in therapy and then applying it. The work definitely doesn't stop at the end of your session, so you definitely want to make sure that you're doing these things outside of the office to ensure that you are making progress as well. The second question that has come up for a lot of you is is it okay to disagree with my therapists? And my answer to this is absolutely so. We as therapists are human, We definitely don't always have the answers, and we may be experts in our areas, but you are the expert on you and your life. So the combination of the two is what actually can make therapy a really positive and healing experience. As a matter of fact, if you are someone who struggles with assertiveness or minimizing your needs to make others comfortable, telling your therapist that you disagree with something they've it can be a great step in you're practicing a new behavior in a safe environment. So I definitely would encourage you to try that. No, I'm not saying to uh to create some kind of false disagreement just so that you have a reason to disagree with your therapist. But I'm saying if something comes up and you don't agree with what they said, or they make a hypothesis about something and you don't quite feel like it fits, it's okay to go ahead and gently challenge them and say, actually that doesn't fit for me, go ahead and try out something new. The third question that you guys asked me about was should I tell my therapist everything? So I think there's a difference between sharing any and every detail you can think of with your therapist and actively not sharing something that you know you really need to work on. So if you listen to the booster session that did about lying to your therapists, and that one was after the Insecure episode when it was clear that Molly's therapist had no idea who Drew was, you'll hear me talk more about that. But I've seen a lot of you put unnecessary amounts of pressure on yourself to figure out what to talk about in therapy, and I want you to relax some of their pressure for yourselves. It's very likely that your therapist will ask you questions to encourage you to share things that you'd like to discuss. But if you know that a large part of what you're struggling with is a decision on whether you're going to break up with your partner, you're doing yourself a huge your service if all you choose to talk about is work stress. Now, I do think it's important to pay attention to what you're not sharing and why that might be the case. Maybe you don't yet feel comfortable with your therapists, or maybe you don't feel ready to talk about it because you know that means you'll finally have to face it. And it's okay to honor these things. But I think it would also be a great idea to talk with your therapists about the fact that you're sitting on these issues and have a discussion about what's making it difficult to share. So one of the things that I love most about therapy is that you can think you're going in to talk about one thing, but then your therapist connects such as something else, and then this whole new, amazing space of death opens up for y'all the process. So if we take the example that we were just talking about, let's say you tell your therapist that there's something you really like to discuss but you don't feel comfortable yet, then that may lead to a whole discussion about where else in your life you're holding back, what's keeping you there, and how do you break through to get your needs meant, do you see how now we're not talking about whether you're going to break up with your partner or not, but we are discussing something that's very likely impacting you in a very real way and maybe even in your relationship with your partner. The fourth question that I got was how is talking to a therapist different than talking to my friends? And this is a good one. This one has come up a lot for you, so I'm glad that you guys wanted to chat more about this. So in many ways, if you have a great relationship with your therapist, it may feel a lot like talking to a trusted friend. But there are some distinct differences in the relationship with your therapists versus the relationship with your friends. So one, you don't have to worry about your therapist telling anybody else what you've discussed in the office. So you know how sometimes with your friends, you will tell one of them something and then they will tell the other best friend and make the other best friends who are not to tell. That doesn't happen with your therapists. The confidential nature of the relationship is a large part of why therapy can be a safe space to talk about very private things. A second way in which your relationship with your therapist is different from the one with your friends is that your therapist is an objective point. Your therapist doesn't have the history and background information friends do, and they have no other purpose in your life except to help you feel better or to help you work through whatever brought you in, So you don't have to worry that the feedback they're giving you is biased because of that nasty argument you'll had in the past, and you don't have to hide that you went to see your ex again, even and after y'all broke up for the third time. All of those competing interest in worries about judgment are not at play with your therapists, which is why as therapists we avoid as much as possible having dual relationships with clients, because if I'm your professor but I'm also your therapists, now the lines have been blurred and you may not feel as comfortable sharing everything that you need to share in therapy, which of course undermines the entire process. And a final reason why talking to your therapists is different than talking to your friend is that your friends are probably not trained to really help you make any progress with your concerns, so you know how You'll tell a friend something that you're really upset about, and then you realize that now y'all are talking about something she's really upset about. So sometimes, in the natural course of conversation, your concerns are taken out of the spotlight to make space for something else. But in therapy, your concerns or the entire reason why we're there, and your friend made a really good job of supporting you, or they may do a really good job of challenging you. But striking the right balance of challenging you and supporting you is something that we are uniquely trained to do, and it's important to the therapy process. So while your friends are great, they're not your therapists, even if they actually are a therapists, and it's best to go ahead and keep them in their friend role and let your therapists actually do their jobs. Question number five, is am I doing this right? Am I sharing topics that are really worthwhile to the therapist? So there aren't really any topics that are off limits with your therapists, and there's really no one way to use therapy. You may be sharing something that seems like a small thing, but it can actually be really important in the grand scheme of things, and if it's something that you feel led to share, there's probably a reason why you're feeling led to share it, So go ahead and share it. And if by chance, your therapist thinks you're staying to surface with your conversations, you can trust that they will either do a little digging or they will challenge you to see if it's something you're aware of and if this is something that you do in other areas of your life. And I also want you to go ahead and relax the pressure on yourselves to be quote unquote good clients. You just showing up for your sessions and staying engaged with the process is good enough. And y'all already know where I'm going with this. If you're worried about doing therapy correctly, I suggest you chat with your therapist about that too, because that's likely showing up somewhere else in your life as well. You see that there's this whole connection of anything that shows up in therapy is likely showing up in somewhere else in your life as well, which is why therapy can be so important. And then question number six. This was the sixth and final question that you guys admitted to me, how will I know when I'm done? And this again will be different for everyone, but some signs that you may have gotten what you needed from therapy and you're ready to terminate is if you're spacing out your sessions further and further, if you feel like you've seen a significant reduction and the symptoms that brought you in, or simply if you feel like you're done. It's important to note that some people work with their therapists for years because they enjoy having that time and space for themselves, and they use it more like maintenance, and there's nothing wrong with that. But if you prefers our term work, and that's also how your therapist works, it's likely you'll start having conversations about termination when it's become clear that the goals you set when starting therapy have been achieved. And it probably won't be Okay, I think you're done, today's our last session. That's probably not how your therapist is going to approach it. They'll probably start the process by sharing that they think you've done some great work and that you may be ready to terminate, and will ask you your thoughts about that, and then you, guys, will make a decision together about what termination will look like. But you all so don't have to wait for your therapist to be the ones to initiate that conversation or to start that process. It's totally okay for you to say if you feel like you have done what you've come there to do, that you're feeling like you're ready to terminate. The other thing that's important to pay attention to. The other thing that's important to note is that just because you stopped coming to therapy at this point doesn't mean that you can't go and see your therapist again in a few months or years if you feel like you need to do that in the future. So terminating now does not mean that you have to terminate forever if there's a need or want for you to go in the future. So I hope this information has been helpful for you. If you're contemplating therapy, or if you're in the midst of the process right now, If you have things that you would add to these answers, or if you have other questions about the therapeutic process, go ahead and share them with us on social media using the hashtag tb G in session. And don't forget to share this episode with two people in your circle who you think would really enjoy it. Be sure to show some support for our responses for this episode. Color Noir in oh i R is the first and only coloring book app celebrating black women in culture. It's free to download, and to get it, all you have to do is open up your i OS app store, search for Color Noir and enjoy and make sure you hit the subscribe button in the app so you can get all of the amazing images, updates and premium content dropping each and every month. And be sure to check out natural shous It's the world's first vegan, high performance hair care line that delivers the results of twelve products and only three. You can find the products and over twelve hundred Sally stores nationwide, and you can also get ten percent off your purchase online by going to naturalisious dot net and using the promo code joy j O y at checkout. Remember that if you're searching for a therapist in your area, you can visit our therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And if you want to continue this conversation with other sisters who listen to the podcast, come on over and join us in the Thrive Tribe, which is the Facebook group for our podcast. You can request to join at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Tribe and be sure to answer the three questions that are asked to gain injury. Don't forget to visit our online store at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash shop, where you can find our guided affirmation track, break up journal, and your favorite Therapy for Black Girls t shirts and mugs. Thank you all so much for joining me again this week. I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care,

Therapy for Black Girls

The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a license 
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