Non burgun Day, Ron burg and day talking and singing anything. Hello out there, my name is Ron Burgundy, and you are listening to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Today we are going to slow things down a bit and reminisce over some enjoyable moments from my wonderful career in broadcasting as I look back at my five favorite news stories from the past half century. I've covered a lot of news over the years and have been in the middle of some real exciting stories moon Landings, Watergate, O J. Simpson. The list goes on and on. The first Batman premiere, the Girl in the well Y two, k Amelia Earhart, so many stories. The Miracle on Ice? How could I forget that one? Not to dwell on the Miracle on Ice, which, for those of you who don't remember, was when the American hockey team be the much favored Russian hockey team in the nineteen eighty Olympics. It was considered a miracle at the time because the Russian team was the heavy favorite. But anyway, this is getting off track for a second, but I I can't help just mentioning it. Broadcaster al Michaels always gets credit for his amazing line as the game clock was ticking down? Do you believe in miracles? Which made it onto a lot of T shirts at the time, and frankly, I I think it was a lot of horses. I know L. I see him around from time to time. We we had a time share condo and Veil Colorado in the nineteen nineties along with Linda Ronstadt and Genie Garth from Beverly Hills. One Oh, but man, that guy sure would burn my bridges. And here's why. I was broadcasting the nine eight hockey game for the radio at the time, and as the clock was ticking down, I yelled out, well, folks, it looks like the Americans are slip sliding away to victory. What you gotta admit was a pretty cool thing to say. I took a very popular Paul Simon song at the time called slip Sliding Away, and I put it into a hockey context. I really thought that would make buttons and T shirts and bumper stickers and I would be famous for that. But no, L. Michael's got all of the glory, and he used to rub it in my face when he saw me in airports or hotel lounges. I got back at him, though his family would always get the condo we shared the week after I had it, So every time I left the condo, I would close up all the windows and doors, really seal it up tight, and then I would lay down ten or fifteen Ron Burgundy style farts, real bottom of the dumpster kind of stuff. I would cover the whole condo and farts and then get out before I fainted. It worked like a real charm. I would get these angry calls from how Michael's about how I made his whole family throw up, and I would just laugh my pants off. Funny stuff. But anyway, I got way off track there. Once again, Today's show is once again. Today's show is about my five favorite news stories I've covered, and believe me, you'll want to stay with me for this one. As always, I am joined by my co host and friend Carolina. Carolina, how are you today? Oh, I'm great, Ron. I'm actually kind of excited to hear about your favorite stories. I mean, we usually just have a guest or two on the show, and you never know how that's going to go. I mean, we've actually made some terrible shows in the past, but today is just you and me and your top favorite news stories of all time. Thank you, Carolina. I will say this tiny thing that doesn't really matter, but I have a little bit of a headache today. Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Can I get you anything, like some aspirin or something? Can we get Okay? No, no, but thanks. It's it's really a trifling matter, right. I don't know if if you know this, but I've always been able to block out pain and stay focused on the job that needs to be done. Pain has no power over a strong mind. Pain is something you can totally put aside if you need it. Oh really not not me. I get the slightest little cut or a coal or something, and it just consumes me. I can't work or do anything. I just shut down. Well that's because you're not a professional like I am. In my business. You are trained from the first day you hit the news desk to never lose your focus and concentrate on the matter at hand. In the news game, people depend on you, and I've always been able to push away any pain and do my job. You'll learn it's it's no big deal. You're you're very young, and you you will learn to cast aside pain. Hopefully, I won't have to. So should we get started with today's show? You bet so? Is it going to be like a countdown of your top five news stories of all time? Uh? So many great stories I have covered, so it was it was really hard to narrow it down just to five, but I gave it my best shot. Uh. Should we get started? Yeah, I'm ready? Okay? Then coming in at number five of the top five news stories I have covered in my long and illustrious career is one second time? You know, if you or Nick could run out and just grab me some headache pills that that would be great. Not really bothering me, but just in case I need them later, you know what I mean? Sure I can send out for them, no problem. Really, what do you like? Advil, Thailan, all Bear, a Leave, Etceteran, Motron Generic? What do you like? There are so many brands out there. I like Generic myself. I think they do the job. Just find out like half the price. Saving money is important, right, But really, anything you want, we can get it. What do you like? I would like you to stop talking. I'm so sorry. Yeah, that that was unnecessary. I'll be honest. Ache has developed into quite a little stinger and I just need to block it out and get on with the show. I'll just get someone on staff to run out and get a bunch of meds. Okay, but tell them to beat feet in the meantime. Before we get started, I'm just gonna go through my usual pain management routine. What does it bear with me? Okay, Roun, you are in pain, block it out. Don't think about the pain. You have a headache. Close your eyes. It's in your mind. It's not real. That headache is not real. Relax, relax your mind. People at home don't need to hear this, but it's okay. They understand you are willing away the pain with your powerful mind. The headache is almost gone. It's going away. Think about lambs playfully bouncing around a green field and far off Nova Scotia, fluffy kitty cats bouncing and tumbling and bumbling on a cotton pillow. It's soft, so soft. Headache is almost gone. There's no need to worry. Now. Mama's gonna buy you a brand new bag that in the pegs and apple pie, and if that apple pie could sing, Momma's gonna get you a wedding ring. Okay, it's not working. My meditation technique is not working today. So much for that class. That was really a guy you meet on the street, a thousand bucks cash for a fool proof meditation class and it's a bust go figure. And now, gosh darna, if this headache isn't even worse, Yeah, that was hunting. Should we just we can just take break or something. If you're not feeling well? What No, don't be silly. I've I've I've got it managed. The show must go on. The number five best news stories I've ever covered. Start the drum roll. Number five, the disappearance of Chitter Chatter, the spider monkey. Oh my mom told me all about that one. No, I don't doubt it, Carolina. The year was nine in the world was about to be turned on its head. The San Diego Zoo, that wonderful institution of animal preservation and scientific research, was hit with a crime so devious and so underhanded that it is literally something only talked about in whispers in San Diego to this day. And I was right there in the middle of it. The shocking abduction of Chitter Chatter, the most beloved spider monkey in all of the world. I'll never forget that day. Hold up, did someone go out and get those headache pills the ones I asked for like an hour ago. There, Yeah, they're getting them. Not good enough. They should be here now, they'll be here very you soon here. Why don't you have some water? Because water is magic. Water cures headaches with just a few SIPs. Great idea, Carolina. Hey everyone, Carolina is a magical doctor from Fairyland who can cure headaches with water, and who has a degree from Wizard College and far off make Believe Land. What what? Why are you looking at me like that? I'm sorry. I lost my temper. Very rarely do that, of course. It's just well, it's just as headache is proving to be a little bit of a demon, nasty little head demon. You ever had a headache, Carolina? Oh my god, I get them all the time. Yesterday I was driving on the freeway, just stuck in the worst traffic, and cars were honking all around me, and my head was just pounding like crazy, and the radio was playing and I could see my exit up ahead, but there was just so much traffic that the whole time. Okay, Carolina, no need for a whole story. I just asked you if you ever got headaches. I I didn't ask you to read a books on tape to me. Okay, once again I lost my temper and I apologize. I do apologize. You are a wonderful person. Just right now, because of the way my head is feeling, I'm a little bit saucy, that's all. Should we just try and get through the show until those pills come. Great idea, great idea. Let's see. Where was I? Oh, yes, yes, it was true. Chitter chatter, the spider monkey had been stolen from his cage at the zoo. I was at the news desk when the story came over the wire. I was, in fact the first to report it, before Mantooth, before the local guys, before the national news even picked it up. It was my story, and I took hold of it like a dog going after a guy's wiener. I could tell from the beginning the police were going to need help, so I jumped right into the news van and headed down to the world famous San Diego Zoo, that bastion of environmental study, the place where people can eat corn dogs and watch guerrillas throwing that each other in a hundred degree heat. Real science type stuff. When I got there, I noticed something right away. Hey, where the fudge are those pills? Huh? Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Let's see. Should we take a break while you take your meds? No, no need, I just pop a few and then back to the show. Let's see one second, just trying to open this bottle? Can I help? I got it? I got it? Geez. Anyway, chitter Chatter was you know, spider monkey. They're not the biggest monkey, so maybe give me a try pretty hard. If I know I've got it, I've got it. Just it should be a simple thing. It's not, though they can be hard. Maybe I think I've got it. It's it's it's one of those squeeze on a turn, getting closer here, gosh, turn it. It's a real head scratcher. Oh there it is got to Nope, why don't you just give it to me? What do you think I can't open it? Give me a break? I'm Ron Burgundy. Um we should go to a commercial break? Why no, we shouldn't. Where was I in the story? Okay, shitter chattered. The spider monkey had been stolen from this little monkey cage, and it was up to me to find the people who did it. I noticed one thing right away, something that something the police didn't see. But as a news anchor, I have a sixth sense about these things, and I noticed something that made my spidy senses tingle. There was a leather glove laying next to the cage. The leather was a soft Cordovian Moroccan leather, finally tanned and stitched, more than likely by a high toned English glover, probably along Carnebi Street. Upon further investigation, the glove held yet another God this bottle will not open. Please run, let me try, Let me try to shut up your stupid Oh okay, whoa, whoa, Okay. Let's let let me be the first to apologize for that that was completely unnecessary and most definitely brought on by this horrific headache and this torturous bottle. It's it's like the makers of this bottle are trying to get me to kill myself. Definitely not it. You can actually think the Poison Prevention Act of nineteen seventy for that bottle. Why would I think anyone for this bottle? No, I mean it's because of the Poison Prevention Act of nineteen seventy that we have child proof medicine bottles. Well, look who studied in school. I hate to bust your bubble over there, dock, but this bottle is not child proof. No human could open it? Could I please just try? Oh? Sure, be my guess I would laugh. But my head feels like someone took an axe to it. I can't really describe how awful my head feels. It's it's on fire, or it's like someone is squeezing it in a huge vice. But but if you want to look stupid trying to open this bottle, go ahead. This this MANI torture devices all years, so go for it. Here you go. They're see you just have to push down and twist. Okay, but I did do that. I did. I did that a million times. You must have just un lucky. Why don't you just take your pills? Okay, but first I'm putting this cat back on and I'm pushing it down and twisting like you said, no, don't run. I can't believe you didn't just take a couple before closing that. Again, if this is as easy as you say, I'll have my pills faster than you can sing. Slip slide new way. Okay, so I'm pushing and twisting, pushing. It doesn't need to be that hard. Twisting, pushing, twisting, pushing twisting a pushing twisting. They should give this to a terrorist at Gitmo. This is a hundred times more painful than water boarding. I have been waterboarded, by the way, and this is worse. Let me do it again and I will get you your pills and then I'll give the bottle right back to you. You think I'm an idiot? Is that what you think? Do you think I'm a child with no brain? I can do this push and twist? Nope, one more try, push and twist? Are you crying? Are you crying again? I'm not Can someone in Nick? Can we just get run three pills and bring them to him on a plate? No, nobody come in this room. I'm going to open this bottle, but not the second. I don't like showing off. I'll do it later, maybe at home. Are you sure you're gonna do it later at home in private? I don't know if you do. You want to get sucked in the face. Okay? That was you know what? That was just my frustration with this whole situation. Everyone has created around me. And what I want to do is finish the story and forget the dumb bottle of headache pills. Where was I? Um? You found a glove outside the monkey cake. Each were not just any glove. The label inside the glove Mr guys Men's Shop. Now, for anyone growing up in Santiago at the time, you you would know that Mr. Guys Men's Shop was the finest men's shop in the whole town. It's where I shopped, It's where Hall of Famer Tony Gwyn shop. Basically, it's where you win if you wanted to look classy. Anyhoo. I told the police about the glove, but they seemed uninterested. So I took the glove down to Mr Guy's Men's shop. Heavens to Murgatroy, great deal of pain. You don't want me to This isn't a normal headache and and and confound this bottle. Sweet, Holy Mother of God, all I want to do is get three little pills inside this satanic container. Right, took the glove down to Mr Guy's Men's shop, and I asked Don Parl her own, the proprietor and my good friend, if he could remember who had sold the glove to run. Yes, Carolina, what is it? I'm sorry your hand is bleeding. I know that my hand is bleeding. Why I have a bleeding hand. I've been twisting and pushing down on this bottle top for a long time, and now my hand is bleeding. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm I'm hoping I pass out from the blood loss. That way I won't feel this headache anymore. Makes sense? Good, It's just that it's taking you a long time to get through the one story, the story of the missing monkey jitter Chatter, and he was a spider monkey and not just a monkey. It consumed a nation for many days, and as you will soon see, I cracked the case. I'm just saying, maybe we can postpone this great, this great story till another time, maybe when you don't have a headache, and when we get something on your hand, when your hand is not bleeding. Wouldn't that be convenient? You just don't want me to open this medicine bottle. I know what kind of game you're playing, young lady, and you're not getting one over on me. Back to my number five news story of all time, the theft of chitter Chat or the Spider Monkey. I took the glove down to Don Parlelone and asked him if he could remember who he sold the glove too. And here's where the story takes an interesting turn. Do you know what he said, Carolina? He said he sold the gloves to me? Did you hear that to me? A mysterious glove found at the Missing Spider monkeys cage? Yes, chitter chatter, the spider monkey. The leather glove found at the scene of the crime was mine. It was clear someone was trying to set me up. Who would try and set me up? I had a lot of enemies in those days. I was handsome and I was number one, So yes, I had my share of enemies. Tom Broke all hated me. Pia Zadora, Peter Fonda, Alan Alda, Pat Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Andy Williams, Manfred Man and his Whole Earth Band, Carl Sagan, Dolly Parton, Ed McMahon, Dick Butkus, Song and Dance Man, Sammy Davis Jr. The Osmonds, and the Jackson So so many enemies when I look back on at Carolina had had a lot of enemies back then, but none more aggravating and dangerous than this little bottle of aspir Laughing about it, I have to laugh about it. If I didn't, I would blow my brains out, because the pain of this headache is so great and the fact that I can't get these pills is so horrific and torturous that I can only laugh. Sometimes they say laughter is the best medicine, But but you know what I think. I think the best medicine is in this little bottle that I can't open. And one day, when I do get it open and I'm all better, I'm gonna track I'm the guy who made this bottle cap and I'm gonna beat his face in with a sewing machine, something heavy enough to do real damage, but not so heavy that I can't swing it around. You know what I'm saying. I think maybe you're letting this headache get the best of you. And I hold that thought. I've got a good feeling. I've got it now. I still can't open it. I can do it's less. What are you doing? What are you doing with your shoe? I have had that, Holy Mother of Saint Godfrey, I have had all of this. I'm going to take today and this little bottle is going to get off the goods. This insanity stops right now. Yes, yes, a thrown Burgundy one headache pill bottle zero. I have defeated you. Your days of making a fool of me are over. Do you hear me? You shall not mock me another minute. These pills, these many pills scattered on the floor mine. Now, can I have one of those? Roun Yes, Carolina? Is it over? Yes, it's over? Oh and by the way, do you want to know how my number five news story of all time ended? Nonsense? It took me a long time to think of who would want to frame me with that glove, and then it hit me. The night before Chitter Chatter, the spider Monkey had been stolen from the zoo. I had been out drinking with some of the news crew, just a regular night out of the town with some of the boys, but at some point someone blurted out something like, let's break into the zoo. Well, sure enough, we broke into the zoo, about eight of us, and I guess I was just showing off a bit, but I decided to steal that spider monkey for myself. I had always wanted a spider monkey, but getting one was illegal. So I figured I would just steal one. So you stole chitter Chatter? Yes, yes I did. I was the first to report he was missing, and I was the first to report he was returned because I had him in the trunk of my car the whole time. Not only did I report the news for that story, I was the news. How about that? And that's why the theft of chitter Chatter comes in at number five on my all time Greatest news Stories I've ever covered. Amazing, right, um, yes, amazing, coming in at number four, Ron, We're at a Time. The Ron Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio. I'm Ron Burgundy. Host, writer at executive producer. Carolina Barlow is my co host, writer and producer. Our producer is Nick Stone. Our talent coordinator is Anna Hosnier. Writers are Andrew Steele and Jake fogo Best. This episode was engineered, mixed, and edited by Nick Stone. Until next time, This is Ron Burgundy.

Non burgun Day, Ron burg and day talking and singing anything. Hello out there, my name is Ron Burgundy, and you are listening to the Ron Burgundy Podcast. Today we are going to slow things down a bit and reminisce over some enjoyable moments from my wonderful career in broadcasting as I look back at my five favorite news stories from the past half century. I've covered a lot of news over the years and have been in the middle of some real exciting stories moon Landings, Watergate, O J. Simpson. The list goes on and on. The first Batman premiere, the Girl in the well Y two, k Amelia Earhart, so many stories. The Miracle on Ice? How could I forget that one? Not to dwell on the Miracle on Ice, which, for those of you who don't remember, was when the American hockey team be the much favored Russian hockey team in the nineteen eighty Olympics. It was considered a miracle at the time because the Russian team was the heavy favorite. But anyway, this is getting off track for a second, but I I can't help just mentioning it. Broadcaster al Michaels always gets credit for his amazing line as the game clock was ticking down? Do you believe in miracles? Which made it onto a lot of T shirts at the time, and frankly, I I think it was a lot of horses. I know L. I see him around from time to time. We we had a time share condo and Veil Colorado in the nineteen nineties along with Linda Ronstadt and Genie Garth from Beverly Hills. One Oh, but man, that guy sure would burn my bridges. And here's why. I was broadcasting the nine eight hockey game for the radio at the time, and as the clock was ticking down, I yelled out, well, folks, it looks like the Americans are slip sliding away to victory. What you gotta admit was a pretty cool thing to say. I took a very popular Paul Simon song at the time called slip Sliding Away, and I put it into a hockey context. I really thought that would make buttons and T shirts and bumper stickers and I would be famous for that. But no, L. Michael's got all of the glory, and he used to rub it in my face when he saw me in airports or hotel lounges. I got back at him, though his family would always get the condo we shared the week after I had it, So every time I left the condo, I would close up all the windows and doors, really seal it up tight, and then I would lay down ten or fifteen Ron Burgundy style farts, real bottom of the dumpster kind of stuff. I would cover the whole condo and farts and then get out before I fainted. It worked like a real charm. I would get these angry calls from how Michael's about how I made his whole family throw up, and I would just laugh my pants off. Funny stuff. But anyway, I got way off track there. Once again, Today's show is once again. Today's show is about my five favorite news stories I've covered, and believe me, you'll want to stay with me for this one. As always, I am joined by my co host and friend Carolina. Carolina, how are you today? Oh, I'm great, Ron. I'm actually kind of excited to hear about your favorite stories. I mean, we usually just have a guest or two on the show, and you never know how that's going to go. I mean, we've actually made some terrible shows in the past, but today is just you and me and your top favorite news stories of all time. Thank you, Carolina. I will say this tiny thing that doesn't really matter, but I have a little bit of a headache today. Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Can I get you anything, like some aspirin or something? Can we get Okay? No, no, but thanks. It's it's really a trifling matter, right. I don't know if if you know this, but I've always been able to block out pain and stay focused on the job that needs to be done. Pain has no power over a strong mind. Pain is something you can totally put aside if you need it. Oh really not not me. I get the slightest little cut or a coal or something, and it just consumes me. I can't work or do anything. I just shut down. Well that's because you're not a professional like I am. In my business. You are trained from the first day you hit the news desk to never lose your focus and concentrate on the matter at hand. In the news game, people depend on you, and I've always been able to push away any pain and do my job. You'll learn it's it's no big deal. You're you're very young, and you you will learn to cast aside pain. Hopefully, I won't have to. So should we get started with today's show? You bet so? Is it going to be like a countdown of your top five news stories of all time? Uh? So many great stories I have covered, so it was it was really hard to narrow it down just to five, but I gave it my best shot. Uh. Should we get started? Yeah, I'm ready? Okay? Then coming in at number five of the top five news stories I have covered in my long and illustrious career is one second time? You know, if you or Nick could run out and just grab me some headache pills that that would be great. Not really bothering me, but just in case I need them later, you know what I mean? Sure I can send out for them, no problem. Really, what do you like? Advil, Thailan, all Bear, a Leave, Etceteran, Motron Generic? What do you like? There are so many brands out there. I like Generic myself. I think they do the job. Just find out like half the price. Saving money is important, right, But really, anything you want, we can get it. What do you like? I would like you to stop talking. I'm so sorry. Yeah, that that was unnecessary. I'll be honest. Ache has developed into quite a little stinger and I just need to block it out and get on with the show. I'll just get someone on staff to run out and get a bunch of meds. Okay, but tell them to beat feet in the meantime. Before we get started, I'm just gonna go through my usual pain management routine. What does it bear with me? Okay, Roun, you are in pain, block it out. Don't think about the pain. You have a headache. Close your eyes. It's in your mind. It's not real. That headache is not real. Relax, relax your mind. People at home don't need to hear this, but it's okay. They understand you are willing away the pain with your powerful mind. The headache is almost gone. It's going away. Think about lambs playfully bouncing around a green field and far off Nova Scotia, fluffy kitty cats bouncing and tumbling and bumbling on a cotton pillow. It's soft, so soft. Headache is almost gone. There's no need to worry. Now. Mama's gonna buy you a brand new bag that in the pegs and apple pie, and if that apple pie could sing, Momma's gonna get you a wedding ring. Okay, it's not working. My meditation technique is not working today. So much for that class. That was really a guy you meet on the street, a thousand bucks cash for a fool proof meditation class and it's a bust go figure. And now, gosh darna, if this headache isn't even worse, Yeah, that was hunting. Should we just we can just take break or something. If you're not feeling well? What No, don't be silly. I've I've I've got it managed. The show must go on. The number five best news stories I've ever covered. Start the drum roll. Number five, the disappearance of Chitter Chatter, the spider monkey. Oh my mom told me all about that one. No, I don't doubt it, Carolina. The year was nine in the world was about to be turned on its head. The San Diego Zoo, that wonderful institution of animal preservation and scientific research, was hit with a crime so devious and so underhanded that it is literally something only talked about in whispers in San Diego to this day. And I was right there in the middle of it. The shocking abduction of Chitter Chatter, the most beloved spider monkey in all of the world. I'll never forget that day. Hold up, did someone go out and get those headache pills the ones I asked for like an hour ago. There, Yeah, they're getting them. Not good enough. They should be here now, they'll be here very you soon here. Why don't you have some water? Because water is magic. Water cures headaches with just a few SIPs. Great idea, Carolina. Hey everyone, Carolina is a magical doctor from Fairyland who can cure headaches with water, and who has a degree from Wizard College and far off make Believe Land. What what? Why are you looking at me like that? I'm sorry. I lost my temper. Very rarely do that, of course. It's just well, it's just as headache is proving to be a little bit of a demon, nasty little head demon. You ever had a headache, Carolina? Oh my god, I get them all the time. Yesterday I was driving on the freeway, just stuck in the worst traffic, and cars were honking all around me, and my head was just pounding like crazy, and the radio was playing and I could see my exit up ahead, but there was just so much traffic that the whole time. Okay, Carolina, no need for a whole story. I just asked you if you ever got headaches. I I didn't ask you to read a books on tape to me. Okay, once again I lost my temper and I apologize. I do apologize. You are a wonderful person. Just right now, because of the way my head is feeling, I'm a little bit saucy, that's all. Should we just try and get through the show until those pills come. Great idea, great idea. Let's see. Where was I? Oh, yes, yes, it was true. Chitter chatter, the spider monkey had been stolen from his cage at the zoo. I was at the news desk when the story came over the wire. I was, in fact the first to report it, before Mantooth, before the local guys, before the national news even picked it up. It was my story, and I took hold of it like a dog going after a guy's wiener. I could tell from the beginning the police were going to need help, so I jumped right into the news van and headed down to the world famous San Diego Zoo, that bastion of environmental study, the place where people can eat corn dogs and watch guerrillas throwing that each other in a hundred degree heat. Real science type stuff. When I got there, I noticed something right away. Hey, where the fudge are those pills? Huh? Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Let's see. Should we take a break while you take your meds? No, no need, I just pop a few and then back to the show. Let's see one second, just trying to open this bottle? Can I help? I got it? I got it? Geez. Anyway, chitter Chatter was you know, spider monkey. They're not the biggest monkey, so maybe give me a try pretty hard. If I know I've got it, I've got it. Just it should be a simple thing. It's not, though they can be hard. Maybe I think I've got it. It's it's it's one of those squeeze on a turn, getting closer here, gosh, turn it. It's a real head scratcher. Oh there it is got to Nope, why don't you just give it to me? What do you think I can't open it? Give me a break? I'm Ron Burgundy. Um we should go to a commercial break? Why no, we shouldn't. Where was I in the story? Okay, shitter chattered. The spider monkey had been stolen from this little monkey cage, and it was up to me to find the people who did it. I noticed one thing right away, something that something the police didn't see. But as a news anchor, I have a sixth sense about these things, and I noticed something that made my spidy senses tingle. There was a leather glove laying next to the cage. The leather was a soft Cordovian Moroccan leather, finally tanned and stitched, more than likely by a high toned English glover, probably along Carnebi Street. Upon further investigation, the glove held yet another God this bottle will not open. Please run, let me try, Let me try to shut up your stupid Oh okay, whoa, whoa, Okay. Let's let let me be the first to apologize for that that was completely unnecessary and most definitely brought on by this horrific headache and this torturous bottle. It's it's like the makers of this bottle are trying to get me to kill myself. Definitely not it. You can actually think the Poison Prevention Act of nineteen seventy for that bottle. Why would I think anyone for this bottle? No, I mean it's because of the Poison Prevention Act of nineteen seventy that we have child proof medicine bottles. Well, look who studied in school. I hate to bust your bubble over there, dock, but this bottle is not child proof. No human could open it? Could I please just try? Oh? Sure, be my guess I would laugh. But my head feels like someone took an axe to it. I can't really describe how awful my head feels. It's it's on fire, or it's like someone is squeezing it in a huge vice. But but if you want to look stupid trying to open this bottle, go ahead. This this MANI torture devices all years, so go for it. Here you go. They're see you just have to push down and twist. Okay, but I did do that. I did. I did that a million times. You must have just un lucky. Why don't you just take your pills? Okay, but first I'm putting this cat back on and I'm pushing it down and twisting like you said, no, don't run. I can't believe you didn't just take a couple before closing that. Again, if this is as easy as you say, I'll have my pills faster than you can sing. Slip slide new way. Okay, so I'm pushing and twisting, pushing. It doesn't need to be that hard. Twisting, pushing, twisting, pushing twisting a pushing twisting. They should give this to a terrorist at Gitmo. This is a hundred times more painful than water boarding. I have been waterboarded, by the way, and this is worse. Let me do it again and I will get you your pills and then I'll give the bottle right back to you. You think I'm an idiot? Is that what you think? Do you think I'm a child with no brain? I can do this push and twist? Nope, one more try, push and twist? Are you crying? Are you crying again? I'm not Can someone in Nick? Can we just get run three pills and bring them to him on a plate? No, nobody come in this room. I'm going to open this bottle, but not the second. I don't like showing off. I'll do it later, maybe at home. Are you sure you're gonna do it later at home in private? I don't know if you do. You want to get sucked in the face. Okay? That was you know what? That was just my frustration with this whole situation. Everyone has created around me. And what I want to do is finish the story and forget the dumb bottle of headache pills. Where was I? Um? You found a glove outside the monkey cake. Each were not just any glove. The label inside the glove Mr guys Men's Shop. Now, for anyone growing up in Santiago at the time, you you would know that Mr. Guys Men's Shop was the finest men's shop in the whole town. It's where I shopped, It's where Hall of Famer Tony Gwyn shop. Basically, it's where you win if you wanted to look classy. Anyhoo. I told the police about the glove, but they seemed uninterested. So I took the glove down to Mr Guy's Men's shop. Heavens to Murgatroy, great deal of pain. You don't want me to This isn't a normal headache and and and confound this bottle. Sweet, Holy Mother of God, all I want to do is get three little pills inside this satanic container. Right, took the glove down to Mr Guy's Men's shop, and I asked Don Parl her own, the proprietor and my good friend, if he could remember who had sold the glove to run. Yes, Carolina, what is it? I'm sorry your hand is bleeding. I know that my hand is bleeding. Why I have a bleeding hand. I've been twisting and pushing down on this bottle top for a long time, and now my hand is bleeding. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm I'm hoping I pass out from the blood loss. That way I won't feel this headache anymore. Makes sense? Good, It's just that it's taking you a long time to get through the one story, the story of the missing monkey jitter Chatter, and he was a spider monkey and not just a monkey. It consumed a nation for many days, and as you will soon see, I cracked the case. I'm just saying, maybe we can postpone this great, this great story till another time, maybe when you don't have a headache, and when we get something on your hand, when your hand is not bleeding. Wouldn't that be convenient? You just don't want me to open this medicine bottle. I know what kind of game you're playing, young lady, and you're not getting one over on me. Back to my number five news story of all time, the theft of chitter Chat or the Spider Monkey. I took the glove down to Don Parlelone and asked him if he could remember who he sold the glove too. And here's where the story takes an interesting turn. Do you know what he said, Carolina? He said he sold the gloves to me? Did you hear that to me? A mysterious glove found at the Missing Spider monkeys cage? Yes, chitter chatter, the spider monkey. The leather glove found at the scene of the crime was mine. It was clear someone was trying to set me up. Who would try and set me up? I had a lot of enemies in those days. I was handsome and I was number one, So yes, I had my share of enemies. Tom Broke all hated me. Pia Zadora, Peter Fonda, Alan Alda, Pat Nixon, Ronald Reagan, Andy Williams, Manfred Man and his Whole Earth Band, Carl Sagan, Dolly Parton, Ed McMahon, Dick Butkus, Song and Dance Man, Sammy Davis Jr. The Osmonds, and the Jackson So so many enemies when I look back on at Carolina had had a lot of enemies back then, but none more aggravating and dangerous than this little bottle of aspir Laughing about it, I have to laugh about it. If I didn't, I would blow my brains out, because the pain of this headache is so great and the fact that I can't get these pills is so horrific and torturous that I can only laugh. Sometimes they say laughter is the best medicine, But but you know what I think. I think the best medicine is in this little bottle that I can't open. And one day, when I do get it open and I'm all better, I'm gonna track I'm the guy who made this bottle cap and I'm gonna beat his face in with a sewing machine, something heavy enough to do real damage, but not so heavy that I can't swing it around. You know what I'm saying. I think maybe you're letting this headache get the best of you. And I hold that thought. I've got a good feeling. I've got it now. I still can't open it. I can do it's less. What are you doing? What are you doing with your shoe? I have had that, Holy Mother of Saint Godfrey, I have had all of this. I'm going to take today and this little bottle is going to get off the goods. This insanity stops right now. Yes, yes, a thrown Burgundy one headache pill bottle zero. I have defeated you. Your days of making a fool of me are over. Do you hear me? You shall not mock me another minute. These pills, these many pills scattered on the floor mine. Now, can I have one of those? Roun Yes, Carolina? Is it over? Yes, it's over? Oh and by the way, do you want to know how my number five news story of all time ended? Nonsense? It took me a long time to think of who would want to frame me with that glove, and then it hit me. The night before Chitter Chatter, the spider Monkey had been stolen from the zoo. I had been out drinking with some of the news crew, just a regular night out of the town with some of the boys, but at some point someone blurted out something like, let's break into the zoo. Well, sure enough, we broke into the zoo, about eight of us, and I guess I was just showing off a bit, but I decided to steal that spider monkey for myself. I had always wanted a spider monkey, but getting one was illegal. So I figured I would just steal one. So you stole chitter Chatter? Yes, yes I did. I was the first to report he was missing, and I was the first to report he was returned because I had him in the trunk of my car the whole time. Not only did I report the news for that story, I was the news. How about that? And that's why the theft of chitter Chatter comes in at number five on my all time Greatest news Stories I've ever covered. Amazing, right, um, yes, amazing, coming in at number four, Ron, We're at a Time. The Ron Burgundy Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio. I'm Ron Burgundy. Host, writer at executive producer. Carolina Barlow is my co host, writer and producer. Our producer is Nick Stone. Our talent coordinator is Anna Hosnier. Writers are Andrew Steele and Jake fogo Best. This episode was engineered, mixed, and edited by Nick Stone. Until next time, This is Ron Burgundy.