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The Vladimir Putin Files

Published Jun 29, 2023, 7:00 AM

Vladimir Putin: part President of Russia, part shirtless horseback rider, part invader of Ukraine. We're revisiting some of the Daily Show moments on Vladimir Putin; from Trevor's headlines, to The Daily Showography of Vladimir Putin, to an interview with Ukraine’s U.N. Ambassador Sergiy Kyslytsya who discusses why supporting Ukraine to a victory over Putin is vital for the security of the globe.

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Wow.

Vlabir Putin is preparing for a longer and more intense war on Ukraine. In a speech carried nationally in Russia, the president said he will put up three hundred thousand military reservists to active duties.

Vladimir Putin's been pushed into a corner.

Warning the waist.

He still has weapons of mass destruction read that as nuclear and he's prepared to use them.

He will use all the means.

At our disposal to protect Russia and old people. He said, this is not a bluff.

Wow wow, wow. Seriously putin nukes. The n word not cool man, not cool, That's America's word to use. He does sound serious though. You heard him. You hear what he said. He said, this is not bluff. Will to be fair. This is not a bluff. Is what someone who's bluffing would say. Yeah, it wouldn't be very effective if it was, like a well, nuke entire world. But I am bluffing, so don't worry. By the way, I know this is random, but I found it funny that he has the two landlines behind him and the victor. No, I mean, like I get the one the one. Maybe that's for like the nuclear codes. But what's the other line for? Right? Is he also like a part time telemarketers. It's like mister anthrowbov, I'm preparing for nuclear war, which is why in life insurance is very important. Right now?

Could Ian throw docil to it?

Who am?

You know?

One of the most frustrating things about this war is that the only reason it's still going on is because Vladimir Putin is trying to save face, right he he just doesn't want to be seen to be losing. And it made me wonder, do you think Putin knows how to lose? Like? Do you think he knows how? Because think about it, The dude plays an annual hockey game where the Russian team lets him score thirty two goals? Right, He somehow wins the judo contest against professionals every year, So it actually wouldn't surprise me that he can't accept the concept that he can lose. You know. It's almost like when parents let their kids win everything and when they're like, wow, Billy, you ran so fast. You win again. Then the kid grows up thinking that losing isn't the part of life, all right. That's why when I raised my four year old nephew last weekend, I smoked his ass bam left him in the dust death. Then I gave him a rematch and I smoked his ass again. I mean, yes, he cried, Yes he cried, but you know what he won't do? Invade Ukraine.

Yeah, Russia has invaded Ukraine.

Why is this happening? What does it mean?

Where is Hillary Clinton's email server? Well, I've been watching Fox News for six hundred and forty eight hours straight and I'm ready to Fox Lane.

Why did Putin babe Ukraine?

The answer is complex, but let me try to explain Bereizma, critical race gender, Minnie Mouse and a pants suit. Don't believe me, take a look inside the gender neutral bathroom in Hunter Biden's laptop. This is happening because President Biden is weak. When Donald Trump was president, Putin didn't meddle in Ukraine. He meddled in America. Puton is strong and Biden is weak. America needs a strong leader. By the way, why are we supposed to think that Vladimir Putin is evil? He's not the one poisoning our children with critical race suit. Vladimir Putin is evil? I've always said that I have never said that Vladimir Putin is a handsome genius with the hotties' body. Let me be clear, Vladimir Putin is a handsome genius with the haughtys body.

He is a tyrannical leader.

He was not democratically elected, and he alone is responsible for this.

I'm talking about Joe Biden. If that isn't clear, we need to.

Do far more to support our allies in Yugoslavia, Ukraine.

You know it hits all this crisis in minutes. I vermectin.

Vladimir Putin is evil, but in some ways he's a hero.

But in more ways he's.

A villain, a strong villain, a patriot, a tyrant. Vladimir Putin wrote a bail He's evil, though yet subjective. Vladimir Putin supports Trump. I also support Trump. Does that make me Vladimir Putin? Russia is basically being canceled. First, mister Potato hut, now mister Putin head. And that's pretty much all you need to know about the Ukraine situation. According to Fox News, NATO's run by Vampire.

Are you a conservative who praised Vladimir Putin and now wish you hadn't. Then you need tyron all, the drug that makes you forget you applauded a tyrant who is now slaughtering civilians. This miracle pill can help you go from this.

It might be worth asking why do I hate Putin so much?

Going on in the conflict between a Kranin and Russia. Why shouldn't I root for Russia?

Which I am?

To this, Vladimir Putin started this war. He is to blame what we're seeing tonight in Ukraine.

Incredible tyranny al works by invading your sovereign mind and attacking any previously held memories or beliefs. Just listen to this, satisfied customer.

Vladimir Putin is a very talented statesman. I consider him a elegantly sophisticated counterpart.

We've seen a Russian dictator now terrorize the Ukrainian people.

And if you've been praising Putin for years, then try tyrannal extended release.

Putin has done an amazing job.

Putin has much better leadership qualities than Obama.

President Putin was extremely strong and powerful. President Putin is shocked.

He's a guy, he's very savvy.

I know him very well, you have not only putin you of other people that are stone called murders and thugs and dictators that are very dangerous.

Tyrannal extended release is not one hundred percent effective. Tyrannyl may cause side effects, including permanent resting, constipation face in some patients. It's time to stop regretting and start forgetting tyronl out with the vlad In with the good He.

Can a leader be too perfect? He's a superhero, He's some kind of superman for us. Can his flawless intellect don unmatched strength make him somehow more than a man? At what point does a mortal lead become a living god?

Will I be sitting here.

Till I'm one hundred years old?

This is the daily showography of Vladimir Putin. Democracy is super soar. Vladimir Vladimirvich Putin grew up with everything a Soviet child could ever want. Communal housing and that's it.

We lived in a small room, all three of us, and it could mune, batmant and landingrids with no private facilities.

We didn't even have our own bath or show. It was all the fun of a college dorm, but with way more drinking.

From birth.

Greatness was in his blood. His father was a party member, and his grandfather was a cook for Joseph Stalin, giving Vladimir access to all the flavors of Soviet Russia, from bland to cold to gray. It was a movie that set Putin on his life's path. The Shield and the Sword, about a dashing Soviet spy, inspired him to join the KGB.

He'd be the.

Russian James Bond, meaning the guy trying to kill James Bond. By nineteen eighty five, Putin was a lieutenant colonel in the KGB, stationed in glamorous East Germany. But in nineteen eighty nine, tragedy struck. A crowd of Germans, driven mad by the decadent Western influences of Coca cola and blue gen descended upon the Berlin Wall. They smashed it to bits, and then, looking for more souvenirs they could later sell to history nerds, they gathered around Cuyton's stations. The Berlin Wall might have fallen, but a great man does not crumble so easily. Putin ran to the basement and set all the KGB's documents on firemen. Then he went outside and told the crowd. They would be shot if they didn't need. What an honor for those Germans to be there for the future leader's first death threat. Through his heroic actions that day, Putin survived, but sadly the Soviet Union did not.

When I say that the fall of the USSR was one of the greatest catastrophes of the twentieth century, I'm talking about a humanitarian catastrophe above all. After the dissolution of the USSR, twenty five million Russians suddenly found themselves in a foreign country.

That's right, millions of Russians had to order whole new address labels. With the downfall of communism really worth that, but Russia and Putin persevered. Under the steady leadership of the incredibly competent Boris Yelsen. Putin rose through the political ranks, eventually becoming Prime Minister. The Russian public wanted to know who was this young and objectively perfect man. To answer that, Putin commissioned a documentary about his life, just like Beyonce, and Putin's film was even cooler.

He commissioned this rarely seen documentary about himself, presenting Vladimir Putin.

The credits read in Power.

Weirdly, the soundtrack is from the Broadway show Caps.

It was, without question, the second most disturbing movie ever to feature songs from Cats. In nineteen ninety nine, Boris Yeltsen abruptly resigned from the presidency to spend more time with his drinking problem, and Putin became the second elected and first permanent president of Russia. He proved himself not just a formidable head of state, but a man of many talents, a beast master, an adventurer, a sportsman, and a born entertainer. Damn, Vladimir Putin is truly a quadruple threat quintuple if one of the threats is making actual threats. But most of all, President Putin is a protector of Russia's fragile democracy. Ooh do business, sweet machine, new style he needs, gives me dussin so you only takes so seriously that every election he does whatever is necessary to stop inferior candidates from winning. For this devotion, his citizens have rewarded him with the presidency again and again, but literally unbelievable margins.

Vladimir Putin will lead Russia for another six years.

He cruised to.

An expected victory in yesterday's presidential election, winning nearly seventy seven percent of the vote.

Check this brazen ballot stuff and caught on camera.

In these videos verified by the AP, voters seem to insert multiple ballots.

One election official appears to stroll over toolbox stuff it, while.

No one in the room seems to mind. Yes, Putin respects people's right to vote so much that he lets them vote two, three, or seventy eight times in the same election. It wasn't all smooth sailing book. One time, Putin briefly had to let a friend be president for him until he could run again, and then he had to make a tiny change to the constitution so he could run again, again and again. As Russia has thrived, so has the man who embodies it. For his steadfast commitment to fighting corruption, Russian oligarchs and energy executives have gifted Putin with tens of billions of dollars.

My personal suspicion is that certainly mister Peutin is the richest man in Europe, possibly on the planet.

Bunny Mother, and that money would come in handy when unexpected expenses cropped up, like secretly buying a luxury apartment in Monaco for a totally random woman.

And yes, one media outlet claimed that the woman was Putin's mistress, but that's ridiculous. Putin was happily married at the time, and also that media outlet has since been outlawed. Besides, these rumors are completely unfair to the woman's daughter, who's unknown, for there must be very proud of her and her face that looks absolutely nothing like Vladimir Putin. Of course, even a perfect country has some malcontents. But whenever those seeking to undermine Putin's streak of uncorrupt democracy begin to circle him like bloodthirsty sharks, somehow, some way, fate always intervenes on his behalf. There seems, for some reason to be an extremely high mortality rate among independent journalists and political opponents of mister Putin.

President Putin dismissed accusations that the Russian state was behind the attack on mist In the blame. If our agents had wanted to kill him, he said, they have finished the job. Is Russia behind the poisoning of Serge Skufal?

Look, we're busy here with agriculture, and you ask me about some tragedies.

Get in to the bottom of things. There first, then we'll talk about this.

Yeah, why did that anyone ever ask Putin about his agriculture programs? Like these new bananas he's working on that grow with the poison already inside them. Sure, it's true that some of Putin's critics meant untimely ends. But on the other hand, let's move on. We should be talking about agriculture. Naturally, a true champion of democracy doesn't just want it for his own country. He wants it for all people, which is why Putin began tirelessly assisting with elections around the world, sending his digital democracy helpers to gently nudge voters in the right direction.

Putin was so.

Amazing at democracy that in twenty sixteen, even the world so called greatest democracy was asking for his help.

Russia, if you're listening.

And like the great man he is, Putin answered the call tonight.

Russian President Vladimir Putin trolling the United States, joking about meddling in the presidential election and saying he'll do it again.

You can handle someone's I'll tell you a secret.

Yes, of course, we'll do it to finally make you happier.

Just don't tell anyone you know what they said. It takes a big man to joke about himself, and an even bigger, scarier man to joke about destroying your country. That's why in all the world there is no bigger man than the Vladimirican. How grateful we are for his twenty one year Raine He's guaranteed sixteen year future reign and if we should be so fortunate, his one hundred year reign after that.

My guest tonight, if Ukraine's representative to the United Nations, he's here to talk about Russia's war in Ukraine. Welcome, ambassador, Sir hey kis Litia. Ambassador, welcome to the dinner show.

Well, thank you, thank you for inviting me.

You have a rarely positioned, a really interesting position, and a difficult undertaking right now because you are representing Ukraine at the U N and Ukraine is in one of the most precarious positions right now. Before we get into where we are, let's maybe clear up the beginning. How did this start and what is the cause of what we're seeing in Ukraine?

Well, do you want a long story or you want a short version?

I guess we're on the.

Version three hundreds right, three hundred years. But the short one is Putting came to power and he probably promised himself that he would restore the Soviet Empire. And ever since, we are in the state of war, and now we are in the state of hot war. I mean, actually the war started not on the fourth or February, started back in twenty fourteen.

And you're in a position now where as you said, I like that you call it a hot war because it's a war that you know, people can see very clearly. There are many people who are being killed, there are tanks rolling in. It's a different type of war though, because everybody agrees that Ukraine isn't the right everybody agrees that Russia is doing something wrong. And yet because of Russia being Russia, it seems like the United Nations and many other countries are scared to overact for fear of causing a world war. How do you then ask for help and what do you hope will be achieved if countries, you know, have to balance this precarious position.

Well, I think that as a matter of fact, for me or we are already in the Third World War, which may be quit of crazy to say, but the twenty first century is not the twentieth century where we have these standard wars, we stanks crossing the borders. So we are in the hybrid world and you don't really need to cross the border to attack the United States. You can do that in the cyber space, you know, or you can do like a terrorism or financial terrorism. So basically we are there in the United Nations, and the United Nations is a product of three old gentlemen, among which were Joseph Stalin. So it's not perfect, and we still in the hundreds days of the war, we still have Russia sitting in front of us, and we still pretend that we have to respect it. And the only reason we respect Russian Federation is because well, I do not respect, but they have to respect. That's a very important correction, because they possessed the nuclear arsenal and they are really paranoid that Russia may use nukes against them.

So is your argument then that Russia shouldn't be sitting as one of those permanent members of the UN.

Well, first of all, Russia is not a permanent member if you ask me, I mean Russia occupied the seat of the Soviet Union back in nineteen ninety one. The same way the Russia occupied Georgia the same way Russia occupied transmits in Moldova, the same way Russia invaded Syria. So Russia occupies, occupies, occupies, and we are all complacent with that. I mean, we were complacent with that until the night of the twenty third, and all of a sudden we were surprised as it happened, I mean, which was imminent for thirty years.

But do you think that maybe this has been you know, everything in hindsight is twenty twenty, you know, and I've read, you know, some historians who would argue that, you know, there could have been a way for the world to bring Russia into the fold from the very beginning. Some say the problem was the fact that Russia was pushed out. Russia felt like they were being isolated. It felt like nature was encroaching on their territory. If Putin was brought into the fault, he would have had a vested interest in being part of the world. Do you see any credence in that argument.

Well, you know, I saw many kriminal knowledgists of Sovietologists they are called often, and they are too old with their vision over the world, the same way like Germany was too old with north Stream. You know, they saw the world through the tunnel of north Stream, and we were all of us, we were guilty of leatin. Putin grow as a dictator of unprecedented scale in Europe, probably Hitler or only the one who can compare him with. No. I don't believe in the appisment. I believe in the need to fight the virus. And Russian Putinism is the same as Corvid. But it's only the international politics called it, you know.

Right right, and and it is taking its toll as well. You know, your your your country is in a position now where every day we read about how Russia is changing its tactics. You know, it's slowly becoming a war of attrition as opposed to a direct assault. You know, Ukraine has inspired the world and how and how you're fighting back. You know, your your president has been there, staying in the country, you know, despite what everyone thought he would do. When you get to the point though, where it feels like European nations are almost encouraging Ukraine to in some way, you know, give up a piece of territory. You see many European nations saying, Ukraine, maybe you should just give them the Donbas region. Just give them that part that has already expressed some sort of interest in becoming part of Russia. You have said that is a complete non start.

Why yeah, it's absolutely I mean, unless everybody is amnesiac. You know. Let me remind it what happened in nineteen thirty eight when Hitler signed a Munich agreement with Chamberlain. The New York Times literally literally ran an article and I can quote from it the world has never been pregnant with hope as it is now. And then what happened. Czechoslovakia lost one fifth of its territory, the Nazi troops moved in, and then in less than twelve months, the Second World War started and the whole Czechoslovakia was invaded. So basically, if people are not very cognizant of the history lessons, they have to go back to school, I think. And they said, you, you of all of us to make them study the history.

Are you worried that European countries may at some point say this is too much for us, And we don't know if we're going to back Ukraine through this, because we've seen again through history, Russia is not afraid to fight long, painful wars. You know, it seems like Vladimir Putin's on a plate to send his troops out onto the front lines and have them perish because he doesn't have to worry about an election that he's losing. You know, approval is not his issue. And so if you're in that position, you know, Ukraine is in a space where you have your your your people who may get demoralized. You know, you have a nation that is constantly bombarded. You know, obviously the US is helping you. But but what would you hope the next steps would be. Then where do you see the world moving towards to help Ukraine?

Well, forever, you just came from Europe onto you, right did Yeah, yeah, you see, so it was your own eyes that Europe is not really a homogeneous It's so diverse. It's like a bouquet of nations. Right, So it would be kind of over a generalization to say that Europe believes Europe says, I mean, we have wonderful, wonderful nations like Poland, like the UK, like Portugal. Just to talk to the Portuguese pasta, like Baltic states. They will fight hard until the very end to defeat the Russian despotism. You know, we have some countries that got used to live in comfort for so long that they're out of context altogether. But the thing is that if we do not defeat Putinism today, right, if we will be satisfied with just a military defeat of Russia in Ukraine and we will let this dictator to regrow his chopped back claws, they will hit all of you again, like in five or seven years from now, and then we all paid triple price for it. So even from the point of view of investing money in Ukrainian victory, investing money in Ukrainian victory is investing money in your own security, and you should be all grateful that it is the Ukrainian soldiers, not the British soldiers, not the American soldiers, who are dying in the front, defending the collective democratic world, you know. So I have to remind about that to all of our viewers and to all people in Europe and North America, and not only there, I have to bind all Africans who will suffer from the food shortages in two months from now.

A lot of people don't know about that, you know, I I so many people complaining about food prices going up. Many people in the Middle Eastern Africa struggling with you know, a shortage of wheat and bread is you know, exactly the most important food sources. Many people don't know how much of that grain is coming from Ukraine. For the entire world.

There are countries, there are countries that are seventy percent dependent on Ukrainian grain, and those countries are devastates with civil wars, or with drafts, or with climate calamities, have no way to go on the market and buy grain from somewhere else. So I mean, for them, it is a matter of survival. And the fact is that we have twenty one million tons of grains sitting to be exploded, and we can't do that because one crazy little person in Kremlin does not really allow us to do that, you know. And that's amazing. I mean, that's amazing, and one of the jobs we have to do. One of the things we are doing currently in the United Nations, we are desperately seeking the way how to save millions of people who are literally under the threat of dying of servation ten thousand miles away from Ukraine, you know, And that is why this conflict has so many implications that unlike in twenty fourteen, where when we were all happy to have one hundred nations voting in favor of the territorial integrity of Ukraine, we now have overwhelming majority. We have one with forty one nations that voted on the second of March and that identify Russia as an aggressive state. You know, there were only four countries, such wonderful countries as North Korea and Syria who voted in support of Russia, you know, and it's very important. It's very important because the world finally understood that it's not just about Ukraine, It's about the entire collective, democratic community of nations.

Thank you so much for joining us about Thank.

You for inviting.

I appreciate the time, hopefully wasting you again.

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