Strong relationships are not built simply by having the right advice or knowing exactly what to say. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is listen. Kelly Balarie explores the wisdom of James 1:19 and the importance of becoming a thoughtful listener instead of rushing to conclusions.

It can be easy to hear only part of someone's words and fill in the gaps with our own assumptions. But truly listening requires patience. It means slowing down long enough to understand not only what someone is saying, but also what may be beneath their words and what they may genuinely need from us.

Highlights

• Why jumping to conclusions can damage communication
• What it means to be “quick to hear” and “slow to speak”
• How assumptions can keep us from truly understanding others
• Three things to listen for: what is being said, what may be beneath the words, and what the person may need
• Why the right words can still hurt when delivered with the wrong tone or timing
• How being slow to anger helps create space for understanding
• Why seeking to understand is more powerful than simply trying to prove a point

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Full Transcript Below:

One Tip to Forge Strong Relationships
By Kelly Balarie

Bible Reading:
“Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]…” – James 1:19 AMPC

I heard the first half of what she said, “Mom, I really don’t want to…because…”. 

But what I didn’t hear was everything after she spoke the word “because”. All that?  Her words were muffled. I entirely missed the last part of everything she said.

So, I just filled in the gap with my own conclusion. And my conclusion was not positive. I figured the worst.

“Mom, that’s not even what I am saying,” she said. “You’re not even listening. You’re getting it all wrong; I didn’t even say that.”

She was right; I jumped to conclusions.

Ever been there? Maybe I’m not alone. Sometimes it is easy to fill in blanks with our own thoughts. It’s hard to endure gaps, waits, and the unknown. It is easier to get to the point, the end of the story, the conclusion, and to wrap things up with a bow.

I’m sure that most of us love to get to our favorite part of a song. The beginning lines hang in waiting until we can make it to the chorus that unloads the song. We don’t like waiting.

However, I’m learning, waiting is wisdom.

James 1:19 AMPC says, “Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving]…”

True understanding is thoughtful listening. Thoughtful listening often requires us to listen more deeply to understand more fully. It requires us to hear:

1. What is being said on face value?
2. What is under the surface of the speaker’s words?
3. What the other person needs.

Words have the ability to heal or hurt. 

How many of us can remember a mean word spoken over us in middle school? It’s funny, the kind words don’t last, but the mean ones seem to. We remember a word for decades, as if it were yesterday.

God knows, this is why His Word instructs us to be slow to speak. Not everything we think needs to be said. In fact, the less we say, the more impact what we do say has.

The key? Rightly discerning what God wants said. Rightly understanding what needs to be said. Rightly noticing the proper time to say it. 

A wise counselor could give the most biblical advice ever, but if it is said with the wrong tone, at the wrong time, or belabored in the wrong way, it most certainly will fall on deaf ears. We can be right in our words and absolutely wrong in our delivery.   We can speak the truth and actually hurt someone with it if we do so from a spirit of anger.

To build strong relationships is to seek to understand. People know when one wants to be right and when they want to understand; there is a difference.

This is why we are quick to listen. Because loving is listening. Understanding lets others know we are there for them rather than proving a point. 

And love is what we are after.

Intersecting Faith & Life:

What would it look like for you to truly listen? Do you formulate comebacks in your mind before the other person is done speaking, or do you truly listen to what they are saying?

Rather than giving advice or having all the answers, what would it look like for you to put yourself in their shoes – and care. Doing this forges strong and trustworthy relationships.