The Bright SideRelationship Red Flags with Sabrina Zohar
Sabrina Zohar is here to tell it like it is. The dating coach and host of the “Do The Work” podcast takes a no-nonsense approach to dating red flags, green flags, and everything in between. Plus, Danielle shares an embarrassing story and Simone schools us on which celebrities names we have been mispronouncing all along.
We want to hear from you! You can reach the show at: hello@thebrightside.com.
Today on the bright Side, we're getting into dating dynamics with dating coach and podcast host Sabrina Zohar.
She's here to tell us how to do the work.
Like I think the reality is most people, it's not a lack of information. We have all the information. It's a lack of implementation. And so when we're really looking at what is doing the work means. Doing the work means being able to stop and say, what is actually my reality versus what glasses am I wearing to alter the reality.
I'm feeling empowered. We're talking radical self acceptance, y'all, and how to take control of your love life. Later we play a game of red Flag, Green Flag, or in between. It's Thursday, March twenty eighth. I'm Simone Boye.
I'm Danielle Robe and this is the bright side from Hello Sunshine.
Tell me about your life.
What's going on? Let's see what's going on? Oh my gosh, wait a minute to like think about do you have anything off the top of your head.
I unfortunately have a story right on the tip of my tongue, and it's so it's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to me in a.
Really long time.
Wait, I need to hear this because we were on the phone yesterday and you were like, I have to save this story for the tood, so tell me it right now.
Okay, So yesterday you and I had like a morning function about the podcast, and then I went home and I took a little nap because I you know what it's like to launch a show like you and I have not been sleeping.
Take a little nap.
And then I decided I was going to do something fun because I haven't done.
All I've been doing is working.
Okay, I decide I'm gonna go eat a big, fat, juicy hamburger, and I take myself to the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Nice.
You guys know the one from Instagram. It's like the Pink Hotel. It has the red carpet. When you walk in, it's all striped and flamingos, and it's very.
Posh, classic Beverly Hills exactly. It has palm trees.
You walk in and you're guaranteed to see not one, not two, but three celebrities. Oh this is I had a Jamie Lee Curtis spotting. There were like three people there that I recognize. I sit down at a booth and I'm eating, and it's I ordered a French onion soup, and then I ordered a caesar salad, and I ordered a hamburger with French fries all to myself. Okay, I'm just girl. I'm sitting there, I'm enjoying, I'm eating. I pay the bill, and I was like really feeling satisfied because A I ate a whole lot, and B I just hadn't done anything for myself. I get up, mind you, the restaurant is completely full. I stand up and I walk away, and the tablecloth comes with me.
Wait, like the classic comedic stunt where it follows you.
Yes, the two glasses of water and diet coke come falling, The leftover food dishes break everywhere. The entire restaurant was staring at me. I didn't know what to do. I looked at the waiter. I was like, I am so sorry, but it's almost like it couldn't have been planned.
It was like a movie.
I'm wondering if you got punked, if someone tucked that tablecloth corner into your pants. Epic, Danielle, I'm actually I'm kind of impressed, Like I'm actually proud of you, Like, this is pretty epic.
I was mortified. I could not.
I'm a little clumsy, like I'll trip on thin air, I'll trip up the stairs.
If I'm in the gym, sometimes a weight falls on my toe. But this was peak clumsiness.
Did anybody did the paps get you?
Like?
Did anybody get this on camera?
You know, Jamie Lee Curtis was there, so they didn't care about me.
Did anybody in the restaurant see the whole restaurant?
It was so loud, it was truly mortifying.
Well, look out look on TMZ later today, folks. Maybe we'll get a recap.
Oh my god, can I ask you a personal question?
Yeah?
So I mentioned how this show have been tough. Yeah, you have two kids and a husband.
Yeah.
A lot of my friends feel like when they're at work, they're thinking about kids. When they're with their kids, they're thinking about work. How are you thinking about your time?
I am able to compartmentalize at this point, like I'm able to I'm getting better at mom guilt and I'm able to be present at work and be purposeful here. But you know, it is difficult. The phone is the worst distraction. The phone kills me when I'm with my kids, like the temptation to check an email or go on Instagram. I'm constantly battling that, so so it goes in my house. Okay, I have a fun game for us, Danielle. Are you ready? Yeah?
I love a game.
This is gonna be great. The power of the giggle people. We're getting ready to giggle here. Okay. So we're podcast hosts, right, getting names right, That's kind of in our job description. And you're an entertainment reporter. We have that in our vent diagram. So I'm going to put your celebrity name knowledge to the test. Okay, I'm going to give you a clue, and all you have to do is tell me the name of the celebrity that I'm talking about. Okay, ready, stop looking at my paper. I can't see your stope cheating.
I don't have eyes that can see your paper.
Okay, Okay, this first one, Danielle. We're gonna start with the first and last name here. This actor first became famous for his role in Call Me by Your Name. I love that movie. But his latest movie is the sci fi blockbuster Done two.
I don't know who this is.
Okay, Danielle. Here's a hint, he is allegedly dating Kylie Jenner.
Uh okay.
I definitely know who this is now, uh Tennessee Shalla May Okay?
All right? Next, moving on, just the first name here, that's all you need. She's a friend and co star of the last actor, and you know her from Euphoria and a couple of Spider Man movies.
Is it zendayah Zendaya?
Great? Great? Okay? Now this next guy is currently getting a little rowdy in his latest movie, Roadhouse on Prime.
Oh, Jake Jillenhall.
Great? Moving on, we have two from the Mean Girls universe. This first actress can tell when it's already raining and make you dance and sing in Ley Miz and Mamma.
Mia love her, Amanda Seifried okay.
And someone else who was personally victimized by Regina George Katie Heron aka Lindsay Lohan.
Great okay, but it's Lowen right, got it right, Lindsay Lohan?
Okay? Moving on, Hello from the other side. She must have called a thousand times to tell you you've been saying your name wrong.
Really, Adele okay?
Got it? Now we got the names from you. We're gonna tally it up to see how you did. Okay, technically you only pronounced one of those celebrity names correctly.
Wow, tell me how you're really supposed to pronounce them.
Here's the thing. Don't feel bad because we've all been mispronouncing their names. So Timothy shallo May is actually tim o'ta shala May.
It's tim o'ta.
It's tim o'te.
I don't believe that.
It's tim o'te. I don't make the rules his parents did.
No one on a red carpet has ever called him tim o'te.
I'm gonna try it next time. Oh my god. Okay, this next one, Jake Jillenhall is really pronounced Jake yelen Halo.
That's also not true.
There's no he's Swedish. He's also Swedish royalty.
Gill and yellow. There's no way it's true. And go to the same gym as him.
Nobody's ever said, Janelle, you should ask him. Ariana Grande is not actually a medium drink from Starbucks. It's actually grandy.
Oh I heard about that one time. Because Chrissy Tiaguan is really Chrissy tigan No way really, I think, and so I heard that was at the same time that the Grandi came out.
I can't. You can't be grandy. You gotta go grande or go home. Okay, Amanda Seyfried, that's the mispronunciation. The correct pronunciation is actually Amanda Seifred. Okay. Lindsay Lohan, that's how we all know her name, right. The correct pronunciation is Lindsay Lowen. M Yeah, Lindsay Lowen Lowen. Okay. Next time you say hello to Adele, you might want to say Adele. Okay.
That one's made up.
That's true.
It's an accent thing. That's crazy.
It's technically a dial, a dial that was Southern.
The first one was British Adele.
That was funny. That was really funny.
Okay, y'all. Up next, we're doing a deep dive on dating Red Flag. Sabrina Zohar, the no nonsense host so the Do the Work Podcast, joins us.
Stick with us.
Okay, we're back, y'all, And today on the show, we're catching feelings because even if you've found your happily ever after, we can all still benefit from a little love advice.
That's for sure. Dating coach and host of the podcast, do the work. Sabrina Zohar is here to share what do you do if you found your perfect match on paper but the spark just isn't there.
We also have some advice for anybody out there searching for love outside the apps. Sabrina, Welcome to the bright Side.
I can't take you seriously, Simone, Sabrina, thank you for joining us.
Hi ladies, so good to see you. Thank you for having me. I'm excited for our chat today. We have so much to go over.
Okay, Sabrina, everybody has questions when it comes to dating. But before we get into that, let's talk about the term dating coach because it gets thrown around a lot, but I think we should just level set and break it down. What does the term dating coach actually mean? And what do dating coaches do?
So I'll speak for myself at least in this regard for me personally, what a day coach looks like is it's an amalgamation of things. On the top most people come to me with like, hey, okay, so here's my dating experience is I don't understand what's going on. I have some clients where I work with them purely to just teach them how to date. Literally have never even gone out there, have been married for thirty years, haven't even opened a nap. But then there's also this beautiful, magical part that I get to work with people to understand what's under that. So for me, yes, I could just talk over arching about how to date, but I actually love to bring people back home to themselves because my mama has been saying this to me for years. You have to love yourself more than the need to be loved by other people. Because if you are constantly waiting for everyone else to validate you, when you are so unhealthy in that regard, and when you're always waiting for that validation any healthy person coming your way, you won't be able to accept it because that goes against your core belief What I like to do is start to strip away and understand what are those core beliefs so that we can move past it, and then you can have different experiences in your dating life. So for me, at least personally, it goes way.
Deeper, Sabrina, I want to hear more about you. I know, for me and for a lot of other people out there too. Sometimes we learn the most from our failures in life. So can you tell us a little bit more about where your expertise comes from. Do you think it comes from having bad dating experiences?
Absolutely? Like I lived in New York for twelve years when I just turned nineteen up until I was thirty one. Then I moved to La so and ill had been dating in Miami as well, kind of in between all of that, so I had dated in three of the major cities. It was constantly like eating shit, having fuck boys, having the people that are wasting your time. It was one after another after another, and me constantly saying no, no, it's not me, it's everybody else. And it wasn't until my sister sat me down and was like, you are the fucking problem and I was like, wow, oh okay, Like didn't see it that way, And then starting to really do the work. I'm not broken. I just have a lot of childhood traumas I need to work through. And I started to understand how setting boundaries started to change the way I dated, how showing up differently started to manifest different people coming into my life, which ultimately led me, after five years being painfully single and those both cities, finding an amazing partner that I'm with now that I've been with for a year and a half, because when you show up differently, you start to receive differently. And that really came from personal experience and me having dated practically every kind of guy you can imagine.
First of all, congrats, because what I hear people that find people after doing the work. As you say, it feels like you earned love, you didn't just find it. And there's something really beautiful about that.
I love that, and I really appreciate, Sabrina, how often you take ownership over your own problems and the awareness that you have of the issues that you have to work through, because I think that's actually a pretty countercultural message. In today's society. The narratives that we hear are all about blaming other people. So is that intentional to position yourself in this way or did it just kind of happen organically.
It happened organically because truthfully speaking, like that's the problem. You know, we're so focused and it's like all of these people telling you here's what to do to get a guy. Okay, so you're manipulating and gamifying this, like so you can control somebody else because you're playing like a chess game that didn't resonate with me. And for me, I went through years of not taking accountability and saying no, no, it's everybody else until I took radical acceptance of me, my actions and like even as a business owner, of course, it would be easy to say, well, my employees messed up, and they messed that up. But then I have to take ownership and say, but I'm the manager. I'm the one overseeing it. So if I drop the ball, it starts and stops with me. And what that did was it allowed me to empower myself, because when you can take full accountability and ownership of your part in it, you can take full control of your life.
Asking for a friend who's working on radical self acceptance, what has been the hardest facet?
What is this stutter? It was my favorite pireus.
Yeah, what has been the hardest facet of your personality to accept or overcome?
Truthfully, I've had the dichotomy of I'm not enough, but I'm also too much, So I'm too much because growing up my dad would I mean, you would have an emotion and he would hit you or walk out, or there was always some kind of a band in me because he could not handle emotions and now being especially in the light where people can judge you and trolls can say things those reaffirming core beliefs of see, you're too much. I knew your personality was too big. Took me this entire last year to finally stop and say, well, this is who I am. It's not like I'm saying every other word. I speak fast, I curse, I'm from New York. I'm very driven, I'm very direct, I'm very blunt. And accepting that about me meant that I no longer had to change that part about me. I could embrace it and really actually learn to love myself. And those protective parts that created me are ultimately the ones that are also helping me in my career.
What is doing the work look like?
Like? I feel like we can say it's therapy, but it's more than that.
One hundred percent. It runs so much deeper. I think truly what doing the work is is it's kind of a myriad of things. I think it's like three major aspects. It's identifying your triggers. It's understanding yourself. It's knowing what sets you off. It's knowing who you are as a person. And what are your weaknesses as well. Then the second part of that is being able to stop intellectualizing it, Like I think the reality is it's not a lack of information. We have all the information. It's a lack of implementation. And so when we're really looking at what is doing the work means. Doing the work means being able to stop and say, what is actually my reality versus what glasses am I wearing to alter the reality.
There's a version of validating your experience too that I've personally felt and I find it with a lot of my female friends. Trusting your own experience, trusting your own instincts. I think we talk ourselves out of it a lot, and so I really like that word validation.
And we have to remember too, it's like it's so normal. I want to like normalize so many things. The reason that could be normal is like I grew up not being able to trust my gut. I couldn't understand because it was unsafe for me to do so. So there is a space where we can have so much compassion for people that have never been able to validate. But then we also have to have that moment of explanation or excuse you know, are we using this as an explanation to where we are and where we're going, or are we using it as well? I'm avoidant and that's me and I don't communicate. It's like, well, fucking do something about it.
Work on it.
So this is the bright side.
And we didn't want to just focus on red flags, even though I'm very interested in those. We wanted to also talk about green flags. So what are things to look out for in a new relationship.
Off the bat? Consistency and reciprocity. So those are the two things. Consistency for me, like, I have dated very extensively in New York and LA and it was literally.
Like and Miami apparently all those cities.
Yeah, I'm from Florida, so I was always back and forth, just going like from New York to Miami all the time.
I feel like you should get a degree, like once you graduate from dating in one of these cities.
Right, I would love that. Whereas where is my compensation for the trauma that I've exerienced?
Exactly?
But really, like, as far as what is consistency to me, the person I go to bed to is the person I can wake up to that I know that this is this person's the same day in and day out. Can you have mood swings? Of course you're human, But it's really knowing that when I express myself, do they make me feel seen, hurt and understood? Do I feel safe? Do I feel like, Wow, I can say anything to this person they don't judge me? Or am I scared to open up and open my mouth because I don't want to push them away? So it's really just looking at those little things.
One hundred percent. That is so important. Okay, so those are the green flags, but we all know those wouldn't exist without red flags. So let's get into it. So red flags, of course things to run from in a new relationship, right, but what are the most common red flags that you tend to warn people about.
When somebody calls all their exes crazy, huge red flag, it's like that beans that person's not taking any accountability or ownership. So like somebody that tells you I'm not ready for a relationship, or somebody that can't even have conversation with you, somebody that you know, maybe like hasn't processed their past. If you can't even have conversations of depth with this person because they're always trying to avoid it, somebody who won't be making consistent plans with you, somebody who only wants to text but never wants to call you. And we have to remember, a red flag doesn't mean, like truly run for the hills, but a red flag is something to start taking note of.
So I want to dig into something that you just said there about some red flags are just kind of a warning sign and some you really have to listen to. So are some red flags redeemable?
Yes, because we have to remember it depends on the context, right, So it's like, if there's a red flag that we see in the beginning that maybe it's just more of a trigger, you know, like if somebody says something to you and you're like, well, I don't like the way he spoke to me. To somebody else, they could say, I don't know, he didn't speak to me in any inappropriate way. Like if somebody's calling all of their exes crazy, that's not really very redeemable because if I'm going to probe a little deeper and find out that they're still not taking accountability, I'm probably not going to waste my time with this person. Versus somebody who says I just want to go slow. That might not be a red flag to somebody. To somebody, that might be because they might want to rush into something, and to someone else they might be like, wow, that's a really green flag. So I really think it also depends on the context versus some things like if you want a relationship and this person doesn't, or I'll say one that I find to be a huge red flag when you're intimate with someone and they refuse to you protection for your first time. That's a huge red flag for me because it's just you're not taking care of my life, You're not taking care of your life, and you just want to be willy nilly Like that doesn't work for me. So there's little things where I'm like, Okay, if you're going to do this with me and you just met me, what do you do with everybody else? Like that's safety that I'm not. I don't really love that.
That's a medical emergency. That's not a red flag.
Skiz right, Skez, Right's easy.
What do you think the best way is to get to know somebody?
Nowadays?
Like with all the technology we have, sometimes I feel like it's better if we just wind it all backwards.
To me strip the phones. The phones are just there to make a quick plan, check in how you doing, But the phone is not the connection point. The texting and dating was something I think that made me put me on the map because I was saying things people weren't saying, and that is, you don't need to text every day and so not when you first met somebody. If I just met you two days ago, why do you need to be part of my day to day life. Nowadays we're looking at this hunk of metal saying, well, he didn't text me every day. That means he doesn't like me. We're making so many assumptions as opposed to how are they showing up? Are you spending time together when you're with them? Are they consistent? Do they listen to you? Did they ask you questions? Are they making consistent plans? Are you seeing this person? Are you having conflict and resolve? That is how you build a relationship.
Yep.
Should we talk about apps for a little bit. So you met your man, you call him tech guy on hinge? What's your advice for people who want to get off the apps? Because I've been married for eighty two years and all of my friends who are single always are telling me how terrible the apps are, So like, how do we get people off the apps and into the loves that they want to find?
Great question I think when it comes to the apps, like and I was one of those people that I was like, EPs are sore the worst. I needed to be a better buyer. So it's like there's a twofold one. It's about how are you selling yourself? Essentially, like this is your resume, right, so it's like, how are you presenting yourself? But at the very baseline, do they have anything on their profile of depth? Do they have prompts? Are their prompts one word answers? So it's like how long are they charting with you on the apps? How long does it take for them to try to make a plan with you? Those are the little things that I mean by being a better buyer. So if you have somebody that's keeping you on the app for three four weeks, texting you every single day, you're wasting your time. That person's clearly not intentional with the way that they're dating. You got to know you're non negotiables, your boundaries list, you have to be very clear. The biggest thing about this. You have to be okay walking away from people that don't match that.
Okay, wait, we have listener questions.
We want to give you some specific scenarios and get your take on them. The first one is do I have to pretend to take out my credit card and offer to pay on the first date.
If they asked me on the date? I don't do that anymore because if you asked me to be there, Listen, my time is valuable. I wasn't going to do this date. So what I'll usually do is, whoever asked me on the date, I'm not doing the credit card reach. I'll usually just sit there and if they pull out their credit card, I'll say, well, thank you so much. I really appreciate that.
But what if you intend on never seeing them again?
I still think same rules apply. Listen, just because I'm on the date doesn't mean I'm guaranteed to want to see you again. But the same thing if I invite a guy on a date, I would be prepared, Like if I say, come meet me for a coffee. If I go up and order the coffee, I'm happy to pay for the coffee, so I look at it as the them paying for you. Doesn't mean that you owe them anything. So just because you don't want to see them again doesn't still mean that they didn't invite you out to dinner and that you said yes, you spent your time to go there, it just didn't work.
See.
I always feel like if I don't offer to pay and if I don't ever intend on seeing them again, A, I feel bad, but B I feel like it is a trade like I sometimes offer to pay even if I like somebody, because I'm like, I'm not trying.
To trade like a makeout for a dinner.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I know what you mean. And I think it's there's an element of being there to receive. You know, we talk all of this dynamics of feminine masculine. I don't like to do that. What I do like to look at is how can I be in a space where I feel comfortable to receive from somebody? So just because I don't like you, or just because I don't feel like I owe you anything, doesn't still mean that my time wasn't valuable and that again you asked me to be here and I'm here now. Listen, you want to split the check?
Split it?
Who cares? I've done that before, I've pulled out the card. But the reality is sometimes when they say yes, you're like, you can give you the current. I was just doing it to be polite, and you're like grudgingly putting it down. So I think it's if it's all thin. Like there's some women that are like, I don't want a man to pay for me. Great, then you hold that ground. You do what feels right for you. And if you're like I don't want you have to owe you anything, you pay. But I don't think it needs to be an expectation that the woman has to split the first date.
I'm gonna be honest. I had a fantastic first date with my husband and it was the stuff that dreams are made of. And then the second date, it was a day date, but he asked me to go Dutch and I was like, what in the broke ass artist is this? Because he was a struggling screenwriter at the time, I was like, what is going on? But I got over it, so you know, I was flexible.
Did you split the check?
We did, because I'm I felt awkward and I was like, okay, yeah, sure I'll split the check, but.
You can't say no, no, it's like yeah, It's like if you're saying no, you're like I may never see this person again. And I like my partner and I we like the first couple of dates he paid, and then it became a thing of like, I don't need someone to take care of me. I'm a woman, I can I can pay my own way. So sometimes it's I get dinner, you get dinner. I get it, you get It doesn't have to be like I had an ex that would go down the receipt and split what you bought at the grocery store. That's a whole nother level of no, thank you. But if somebody's being honest of like I'm a struggling screenwriter, I'm sorry, I just like, can we split this?
You know what?
How do you show up for me in other ways besides paying for me? Because it's that life is free. Nothing in life is free. I would see it differently because like, my partner's not necessarily the most generous with money, but boy is he generous with love. But I think it also depends on like very much like he's he is frugal. He's just the type of person he saves a lot of money. He's not the type. He's not going to splurge, and he doesn't do that. But I've never had somebody so supportive because he shows it with acts of service. Acts of service is his love language, not gift giving and not spending money. Spending money is actually quite easy. I can just easily take out my credit card and go up. I've got her, But how do I show up for her? That way is so much more important to me because we're a partnership. I'm looking for a partner, not a project. And that also means that it might come with some eighty twenty. It might mean that this person doesn't necessarily financially splurge, But how else are they showing that that satisfied my needs?
Okay, we are going to get into some more or lessener questions. Here's one. Let's say someone sounds perfect on paper, but for whatever reason, it's just still not clicking. I can't get there. Should you keep pursuing them because it's supposed to be a good fit.
My one thing I'll say about that, I get that all the time. And here's the one determining factor. Do you even want to be intimate or physical with this person?
For me.
I was so anxious and I had so much anxiety. I wasn't ready for the perfect on paper guy, the guy that was all those things I said I wanted because I couldn't receive that. So if it's a matter of man, this guy's really amazing, he's awesome, he's everything, I'm not feeling it, It's like, well, what aren't you feeling? Are you looking for a feeling? Because if you're chasing the feeling, then you're just going to constantly be chasing versus. When this guy touches me, I move out of the way because I'm physically not even remotely interested in him. Two very different experiences, and that's why I'm like, we don't have to sleep with the person, but even just at dinner, let them touch your arm, touch their leg, do some kind of physical touch to see how you feel my partner, I kept touching his leg and I liked it. When we first met, I wasn't cuckookachew. But it wasn't until he kissed me where I was like, oh my god, because honestly, I hated the way he dressed and I hated his car. So I had my ix. Oh oh, I pulled on I was like, I'm such a fickle bitch. I was like, this is not for me. But it wasn't until when he kissed me. I remember being like, whoa, where is this coming from? And that's what I pursued.
That is fabby.
Okay, you talk a lot about box theory, which, for anyone who doesn't know, it's basically the idea that when a guy meets a woman that he immediately puts her in a box and that box never changes. So the boxes are a woman you hook up with, a woman you can date, or a woman that you just want to be friends with.
What are your thoughts on box theory. I don't believe in the box theory personally, I either.
I do think guys I do get into it.
Well, let's get into it, because I think what it is it's an incredibly shallow way of looking at things. Not that your shallow, so please, I want to just clear it. Like this to me, I hope to upt them on the first and I asked him, I'm like, what did you think of me?
After?
He was like, I knew that I wanted to sleep with you. Again, he was like, I didn't know I wanted to date you. He was like, I didn't know you. How was I supposed to know in the first twenty minutes of meeting you that I would want to be in a relationship. Because I think the box theory's implication is that once you're in that box, you don't get out. Now, what we're overlooking here is why are we We're giving so much credence, but yet we're not looking at is what was that person's intentions? Because if that person came to you with the intentions of I don't want a relationship, I don't care if you're the Queen of Sheheba, if you're a gold statue brought from the God's above, you're not going to change somebody else. So once they put you in that box, the reason you're not out of it isn't because of you and who you are. It's because of their intentions with you. So I think it allows too many people to say, oh, well, if it didn't happen immediately, or if this guy puts me in that bucket, and it's like, it's more about just what are their intentions? Does that person even want a relationship? And if they don't want one, then it doesn't matter what you do you're not getting out of that box because they don't want that.
Sabrina, thank you so much for these dating diamonds. My goodness. When we come back, we're going to see how well Danielle and I can identify red and green flag situations. We're going to be checking our red flag radar.
Uh oh, I.
Don't think mine's good. Okay, we are in the hot seat now because it's time for a game of red, green or in between with dating Coach Sabrina Zohar, Danielle, Are you ready? No, I'm not ready either. I feel totally unprepared.
Here are the rules.
Sabrina has some dating situations on hand, and Simone and I are gonna have to guess whether the scenario is a red, green or in between flag. Okay, Sabrina, I'm a little nervous, but let's get into it.
Okay, are you ready? So first one friendly with an X.
I think it's a red.
I think in between depends on the scenario.
Yeah, yeah, in between is actually better, but I'll go threat. I'll go with my instincts.
I'm going in between because it depends on are their kids involved? Is there? Like, what's the context? Do they have a business, a kid, a dog, or is this just that them and their ex have never like they never cut the umbilical cord. So I think it depends on connent. So the flip side trashes their ex, Oh, that's a red flag.
I'm gonna say red flag too.
I have an ex that I would like to trash, but I specifically don't do it because I don't want to be a red flag girl.
It's kind of like anybody who trashes their workplace or their ex boss, Like, that's also a red flag too, you know, whenever they're interviewing for a job or something.
Like if I'm going to talk about my ex and be like they were narcissistic, I was unhealthy and it was a toxic relationship, it's very different to start attacking them as a person. At that point, we run as fast as we can. So, okay, calling their mom multiple times every day.
Green green all the way as a boy, mom green red flag for me multiple times to day, Right.
Man, I have dated loves their mom a little too much, Like you have to love your mom.
You don't have to. I would love if you loved your mom, but you most.
Of the times the day is a lot Sabrina, do you have kids.
I don't, but I used to call my mom multiple times a day, so I'm with you. But being in a relationship now, I understood that had to get low. You know, I wasn't able to call my mom every ten times a day. But I think it also depends. Are you calling your mother because you don't how to work the washing machine and you're dependent by her because you can't function, or are you calling her because you just really love talking to your mom and something exciting happened and you wanted to share it with her. Those are two experiences that are different exactly.
I can't give you an objective opinion on this one.
You're a boy mom.
I'm a boy mom all the way. Yeah, that I totally get.
Okay, next one, showering you with affection and attention early on.
I'm such a sucker for being chased. I love it, but I know it's a red flag.
I'm going to say in between, some of these are really context dependent. For me, it just feels like a red flag because when somebody comes on really strong, they're chasing a feeling, not you. They don't know you, so it's really hard for someone to be love momming so all over you, because it's either they're manipulating you or they're super insecure and they just want to make sure you're not going to leave them. Neither of those are really coming from a healthy and secure place. So okay, eating the last sights of pizza?
I love this question.
That's a red flag.
As a Midwest girl, it is a red flag.
Says a lot about selfishness, about caring for the other person.
I think that.
Manners you just don't do that in the Midwest.
I'm going to say neutral only in the sense because as a girl who lives for pizza, I go after what I want.
But I will as you're a New Yorker, So.
But I will say I think the reason becomes a red flag is communicate. Hey, do you want the life slaves? Do you want to split it? Versus? When I'm at dinner and somebody just takes it, You're like, well, how did you know? I didn't want that? So I'm with you on that being the red flag. All right, maintaining independence in a relationship. They won't cancel plans for you so.
Hot, right, Sorry, say that again?
Say that again.
So maintaining their independence in the relationship, meaning like they won't just cancel a plan. So like if they have a boys night, they're not just going to cancel boys night because you say you want to do something.
Yeah, I think I'm going to go in between on that one, just in case. If there's something that really means a lot to me and I'm like, I really want to have you there, then I would expect them to move their plans around. But in general, yes, preserve your own identity with a little flexibility.
Yeah, I'm with you exactly.
I think the exactly the rigidity is not what we're looking for, but we're looking for. Hey, but this means a lot to me. Okay, of course I'll be there. Versus Babe, I have tickets to a concert. I'm not going to cancel that just because you want to go to a movie tonight. Like, yeah, yes, because boundaries are so hot. Having a disagreement or some issues early in dating.
Prefer it, love it, want to get it out of the way and talk about it.
I agree with it.
I think I think it's an in between. I think it depends on how big the disagreements are and also how you resolve them. At the end of the day. That's more important, right, one hundred percent.
The conflict isn't the problem, it's the repair. But it's like, is this a constant problem?
Right?
The same problem? Is it a repeated problem? Or is it just you're learning each other. You have some conflict, but then you repair it and you grow closer. That's a beautiful part.
I have a quick question for you. I have a really good girlfriend who was going on a date with a guy. He called her to plan the date and he said, Okay, let's meet at this restaurant and she said, I don't like that restaurant. Can we go to X, Y and Z? And they got into a fight on the phone before they even went out on the date. And I was like, you can't go on the date you got.
You got to end it. And she was like, no, I don't mind a little conflict. And I was like, I don't think this is good.
There's a difference between conflict and arguing. It's like if you're just fine, it's it's the same thing of like cursing at somebody. It's like I can curse in a sentence I'm really freaking annoyed. Is very different than you are a piece of shit. It's like, there's a way that you talk to somebody, but if I will agree with you anytime, let you get into a fight before you've even had the days you're like, this is not a good omen. This is not a good omen. Red flag or grand flag. Text you good morning every single.
Day, the exact words good.
Morning, those good morning text.
Yeah, I like a good morning, But in between I think it's preference red flag.
I'm you're gonna lose me.
Early in dating, it's a red flag obviously when you're in a relationship, of course, like you want to text your part hey, you know, how's your day. But if you just met somebody or you had one date and already you're getting good morning, it's like, no, you're not part of my day to day life nor day.
I also hate when people are like good morning, beautiful or hello babe.
It's like no, no, no, we met once, no pet names.
Can I be honest. It's giving f boy energy to me, like the good morning, yes, good morning, good morning. Like you know, I think this is the international f boy symbol, right.
Simonis grabbing her hands together for everybody to assimilate.
Yeah, one hundred percent, because it really because at the end of the day, you can schedule a good morning text.
Yeah, Sabrina, how did we do?
I think you guys did a great job. Personally, I think you did. I think you guys had some really good reasons for why, and so I am very proud of my girls.
Thank you so much for joining us today. Sabrina.
Of course, thank you guys so much. It was such a pleasure, and I'm just I can't wait for the.
Next Sabrina Zohar is the host of the podcast Do the Work. You can also find her on Instagram and TikTok.
Now, before we go, we want to leave you all with a bright side spark from our conversation with Sabrina Zohar, and that's this idea of leaning into radical self acceptance. Radical acceptance is the ability to accept situations that are outside of our contry role without judging them. So radical self acceptance is about not judging yourself just as you are perfectly imperfect.
Tomorrow on the show, we're talking with creative director, writer and founder of the Instagram account Glorious Broad's Mary Jane Fahe.
We're excited for that.
Listen and follow the bright side on the iHeartRadio, app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can find me at Danielle Robe, rob a Y on TikTok and Instagram, and.
Me Simone Boice on Instagram and TikTok at Simone Voice.
We'll be back tomorrow with a brand new episode of the bright Side
