Work Parties, Politics, and Tipping: More Holiday Etiquette with Myka Meier

Published Dec 10, 2024, 8:05 AM

Etiquette advisor and finishing school alum Myka Meier is back for part two. She gets into the simplest way to simplify your holiday gifting, from what to do if you’re given an unexpected gift to how to tactfully discuss your spending budget. Plus, she answers your listener questions about navigating holiday socializing — and weighs in on the worst etiquette offense of them all.

Hey fam, Hello Sunshine. Today on the bright Side, Micah Meyer.

Is back with us.

She's our go to etiquette expert who always keeps it classy and stress free, especially during the holidays.

This time we're diving.

Into office holiday party dues and don't and we settle the debate on the absolute worse faux pa of them all. Spoiler alert, you don't want to be that person. All right, let's get into it. It's Tuesday, December tenth. I'm Danielle Robe and.

I'm Simone Boyce and this is the bright Side from Hello Sunshine, a daily show where we come together to share women's stories, laugh, learn, and bright your day.

Micah Meyer is back with us.

We had so much to chat with her about we couldn't just do one episode, so she's here to continue our convo about bringing ease to our holiday season.

That's a word we all are craving, right, ease.

So if you tuned into yesterday's show, you heard us talk with Micah about how to sit amplify holiday hosting.

And today we're talking about etiquette.

Okay, the dos and don'ts at holiday work parties, gatherings, host tips, how to bring the perfect gift all the questions that are on your mind.

And just in case you need a little reminder about who Micah is. She is a two time best selling author, co founder of the Plaza Hotel's Finishing Program, and the founder of Beaumont Etiquette. And even with all her prestigious credentials, we were both so impressed with just how practical and approachable her advice is.

And today is filled with brand new advice. So if you missed yesterday's conversation, you can go back and listen to that too.

Let's get into it, y'all. Here's part two of our conversation with Micah Meyer.

Micah, welcome back to the right side. It's so great to talk with you again.

Thank you so much. I'm excited to be back. It's going to be a lot of fun again.

So we had a few listeners write in about best practices for navigating conversations with your coworkers at work. Of them, do you think that holiday parties are a good time to talk about work, to talk shop or should people keep it more personal?

What is more bonding?

A holiday party allows you to relax a little bit.

I think you shouldn't be having the same conversation at a holiday party that you would be having at a boardroom table or at a business lunch. I think you should introduce yourself to people. I think, you know, you can get a little a little bit more personal, still saying appropriate, right, fine line, but I think the holiday party is a great way to just relax a little bit and not talk business deals or hitting goals and KPIs and all that, focus more on them as a person. Maybe be careful that asking family specifics like.

So are you married, so are you engaged?

Let them tell you what they want, so don't be that personal. But I think, so what are your plans over the holidays?

Where are you off to? What are you doing?

And then you go from there and pick up on the as they put down. Be careful dressing also, just a side note there, Yes it is a holiday party. Yes you're not expecting to wear business attire to a holiday party for the most part, but still work event. So just you know, I might wear a sequin, you know, blouse that I wouldn't usually wear to an office, but it's still going to be appropriate. So I think you can like mix a little bit your social life.

You know, we asked our listeners to send us their burning holiday etiquete questions. So I want to play you one that touches on these work parties. Okay, what to do when alcohol is involved?

Tricky? Tricky? Take a listen.

Hey, my name is Jessica. I have a question about work gatherings. So I have this friend who can take advantage of an open bar situation at work and kind of get a little bit over the top. Our coworkers can be pretty chill about it, but I don't want her to overdo it and then have it negatively affect her at work. What is a way I can remind her to be professional without embarrassing her or putting myself in a position to be a babysitter.

Oh well, okay, So I think you sound like you're a really good friend and a good colleague. I would say, depending on your relationship with this person, if you do think it's appropriate to say something, which it sounds like you do, I would use an example maybe and just say you know, just in say it formal but lightheartened.

The way to say just a reminder.

Last year got a little too wild. So I want you to remember that we are at work. I'm going to be remembering. Maybe we can help each other remind each other, and let's have a code word where if one or the other feels like we're getting a little too wild or we drank too much, we say the code word to the other person.

Does that sound good?

And maybe you're saying like we we we like we are doing this together, so it's not again finger pointing. They don't feel defensive, like are you saying I drink too much?

Or whatever it is. That's probably what I would do.

Say, let's do this together, let's stay like sober sisters, or let's just have like a couple drinks together. If you feel like it is appropriate and you just need that person to be on their best behavior, you can just say, hey, just a reminder last year you almost got fired if that's the case, and I don't want that to happen to you because I love you, so.

Let's rein it in.

If anything, well after for drinks together away from the party so we can, you know, enjoy ourselves more or something like that would be the two things I would say.

I think a buddy system is honestly a great idea for any party. Okay, we have another question about holiday parties. But this is for non work events, especially for family gatherings.

Let's take a listen.

Hi, this is Krista.

I'm calling to ask about political conversations at holiday parties. If you have friends and family who you know have different beliefs, how do you make sure that the party stays a party and that everybody feels safe to be there.

It's the hot topic, that's for sure.

Yeah, well, Krista, I would say, I think that we have to go into the holidays understanding that you might need to step away, you might need to excuse yourself if you need to. I would say, if you're the host or you're co hosting, it's your family event, it's up to the host to change the subject where possible, to say, okay, everybody, you know, let's this is clearly a topic that we're probably.

All not going to agree on.

Let's bring it back to talk about something we can all agree on, you know, how about that whatever it is. And if you don't have a host that does that for you, and you find yourself in a really uncomfortable position, it's okay to say, you know, I understand you have your views and I have mine, and I let's move away from politics because I feel like we should keep it light. It's a holiday party. I don't want to ruin the mood. So let's talk about something we can agree on.

And I think it's okay to say that. I really do.

I'm not a passive person, so I believe in just communicating openly with respect. And if somebody's really disrespectful or they keep going, then that's why I said, sometimes you just have to excuse yourself, and that's okay too. I'd rather excuse myself than say something I might regret later.

Well said, yeah, I kind of feel like you either have a party where you welcome an open discourse of ideas and that's almost like the theme of the party is bringing people together and having tough conversations, or you just don't do it at all, you know, like you kind of got to pick which. I think the middle ground is dangerous when it comes to politics, like it either is like civil or it's really extreme.

It's also the holidays, like is it the time? Yeah, exactly, if you're having a political party where you're talking about politics or in the selection party or whatever it is, and you know, then you're there to talk about that and that's the point, and you're invited there knowing that. But if you're going there in the guise of a warm Thanksgiving event and suddenly somebody's attacking you from across the table, that's not what are you signed up for. And I think it's okay just to either remove yourself if you need to, or have the host step in and kind of help.

But yeah, I think it's a hard one. This is kind of in line with what we were just talking about. But how do you approach a situation where someone else is being disrespectful or even let's say inappropriate in a way that.

Is sexually colored.

If you're in a situation like that and someone crosses the line, what is the best way to handle it?

I think it depends.

If it's something you feel unomfortable with, then it's a sexual remark, or somebody's your boss is hitting on you, or whatever it is, it's inappropriate.

I would get out of that.

Situation as fast as possible. Depending on how comfortable you feel with saying something or not, that's kind of your call, but I would remove myself as fast as possible. And then if you want to report it to HR.

Or go to the.

Higher powers, whatever it might be. I don't feel safe in that situation, so I personally just want to get out of there fast as I can. But if you feel like I had somebody who was more junior than me years ago at my workplace say something completely inappropriate and sexual and he was under me, and I just turned him. I said, you know, I said his name very firmly.

I didn't laugh.

He was making a joke, and I said, that's completely inappropriate, and I never want to hear it again.

Like, I'm very firm.

Wow.

I felt like in that.

Moment, this is the only right thing to say, and I said it, and I still think about it, and I'm glad I said it, but it was uncomfortable. So if you're in a position where you feel like that and that that's okay, then I think each situation is so different, but you should never just sit there and be uncomfortable, that's for sure.

Can I ask you two things that I've heard other people say, I'm curious what your thoughts are on these. One is, and this is excluding situations where your safety is in jeopardy, where it's just incredibly uncomfortable. I've heard people say to ask if they can repeat what they said, so excuse me, I didn't hear what you said?

What was that?

And make them repeat it? And I've also this is something i've personally used. A friend who's an attorney shared this with me. Somebody that I know very well sent me a DM that was pretty unhinged, and I just replied, are you okay? Question mark and it elicited a much better response.

I'm curious what your thoughts are on those two?

Yeah?

Interesting? I like the first one. Yeah, I like the first one a lot. I've not heard that, but I like it depending on the situation, right, every situation is different. But I like it because it forces a person to actually think before they speak, because a lot of people don't think before they speak, and once they do, they realize how offensive they just were. So I like that first one depending on the situation. The second one, are you okay? I think it is acknowledging that that our response was not appropriate. I think depending on the situation, it might be a great call. And it sounds like in your situation it worked perfectly because it made the person feel like, wow, maybe I should further explain myself and calm down.

It also could illicit fire. It could be.

Something fiery like yes, I'm okay, right, you're right. It's really good to go two ways. It depends on the person. If somebody wrote to me and said are you okay, I think I've respond with more caution when I wrote yes, I think that would work for me.

But I think that I could go either way.

I like what you said a lot, and I like having these in my back pocket because I'm not the type of person that's good on the spot in uncomfortable situations, so I like having things that they're ready.

Yeah, maybe it could say is everything okay? That's good because I feel like are you okay? You're almost like finger pointing, like are you okay? And maybe everything if we change that word to everything, then it's like everything.

Okay, like everything okay.

Let them say no, everything is not okay because edited out or I'm going through this hard time, or this really struck a chord with me because and it just lets them, but it's less finger pointing.

Maybe I think this is all really important to discuss. I've been in situations around my dinner table where things have been said that were either racially insensitive or misogynistic or an attack on someone's identity would make them feel uncomfortable. I always like to hit them with the what did you mean by that? Because kind of like you said, Danielle, it forces them to reiterate what they said and it puts them on the spot.

Yeah.

I like that a lot.

That's a good one.

It's just asking for further clarification in a passive, aggressive way.

It's not always a bad thing to be passive. It's not. It's not. There are times and places for everything.

But I think if somebody does something generally speaking, not talking about sensitive like really sensitive topics, but I might like go too that.

I always say it's bad etiquette to correct bad etiquette. So somebody is.

Doing something that you've seen, as you've seen as rude, not offensive per se, but rude, and then you point.

It out, then you become the one with bad etiquette.

So I feel like there are times and places for everything. If somebody is offending you, of course you should speak up. But I just think it just there's just time and a place and a purpose behind everything.

We have to take a short break, stay with us, and we're back with etiquette expert Micah Meyer. I feel like we can't talk about the holidays without talking about holiday gifts. Holiday gifts can be very expensive. What do you think are the best ways to talk to your friends and family about budgets in a way that feels proper.

Whether you're on a tex chain with your family or whatever might be. I would say being upfront and saying hi everyone this year, would you all be comfortable with choosing a budget to stick to and we each pick one present for the other person. What do you all think you could be upfront like that. It's your family, right, it's your family, your close friends. I think it's fine to say that. Or maybe it's saying hey everyone, I am saving up for my dream apartment, as you know, and this year, I want to just keep it low key and I'll be you know, I just want to let you all know up front, I'm not splurging. I am going to be very thoughtful with my gifts. Like it's okay to say that kind of stuff and be and not be shameful of it. I think there's a whole kind of movement around being open about your finances.

Really, I totally agree.

I like that.

I like your direct communication.

Do you think that people should spend the same amount on gifts or can people spend proportional to their means?

Each person has their own budget, and I think are you saying in the family.

Yeah, Like say you're in a group of friends and you're all doing holiday gifts, or you or in your extended family you're all doing gifts. Maybe it helps if everybody sets a price at the beginning.

Yes.

For example, my family, every year, we are like, okay, everybody, pick one person you're gifting and her limit is X amount, and everybody buys a gift for one other.

What other secrets?

Handa And my mom is like the secret Sanna holder, so only she knows who everybody's secret s Hanna is right because there's so many of us, and that's what we do. If there is a budget set, you should stick to it so you don't make people feel bad either.

Okay, we have another listener question about gifts. Hi, Micah, this is Julia from Brooklyn.

I've always wondered about the etiquette of gift giving when you're caught off guard. So let's say someone gives you a gift you weren't anticipating. How do you navigate it in that moment? If you don't have anything in return, and are you expected to get them a gift at a later date.

Okay, Julia, this is like the most common question I feel like I get around gifting because it's so common.

Though you're not alone.

It's happened, I think, to all of us, and in that moment, all you have to do is say thank you, show gratitude. They thank you so much, this is so kind.

Wow.

You know, really, just focus on the gift, on the moment, the thought, and I wouldn't bring attention. I will say, if you make something a big deal, it becomes a big deal.

So if you're like, oh my gosh.

I'm so sorry I didn't get you anything, Oh my goodness, I feel horrible, then it becomes a horrible moment for that person and awkward. But really you accept it with gratitude. You could always send one a later date. You could always send and be like, oh, mine's on the way. Whatever it is, if you feel like it's appropriate. You don't give a gift to get a gift in return. It's not why we give gifts. So maybe somebody gives you a gift. People give me gifts sometimes, and I know I'm not going to give them a gift back, and I don't say, oh, something's on the way, because it's not. And I don't intend to senny gift, But in that moment, I'll just say thank you so much, and then I'll write a really nice, lovely handwritten thank you note afterwards. But I think if you suddenly get a gift and you're like, oh my gosh, I totally forgot this person, or oh my goodness, I should have totally gotten my boss of gift as well, then you could say it's on the way or whatever.

It might be. Same thing with holiday cards.

If somebody sends you a holiday card and you and you didn't have them on your list, you could easily just quickly say, oh, mine's on the way too, if you felt like that was appropriate.

Well said, all.

Right, outside of our immediate friends and family, what are the expectations in terms of giving to the people who show up for us throughout the year, the mail carriers, the teachers, domestic laborers, people who clean our homes, walk our dogs.

What's the etiquette there? How much should we be budgeting for them?

Well, it depends on where you live metropolitan cities. More generally, I think Interestingly, somebody told me last holiday season, I wrote there was a somebody who wrote in about this topic. Mail cures are not allowed to take money, actually, but I would say, make a budget. If you're saying, I'm giving two hundred dollars to the people in my life that make my life run, and then you make a list on the left of all those people in order of you know, priority, if you will, and then you take that two hundred dollars and you split it amongst all those people.

I think that's the best way to do it.

If you can't live without your doorman, if you can't live without your whoever it is, then that person goes up there. Somebody might just have one person that means the world to them. Somebody might have a hundred people that mean the world to them.

I don't know who that person is, but that person but a lucky person. So I would say that's how i'd budget it.

Mikah, How do you approach it at work?

Do you think we should plan to give all of our co workers' gifts?

It's hard, It is hard.

I would say, if you give everybody gift, then great. If you don't, then do it in private.

It's very hurtful to see your colleague give another colleague a gift and not have one for you. I think you could also pool gifts, if you know, if you want to get something for your boss, and you're like, am I going to be like a goody two shoes here? If I do this, ask everybody, does anyone want to ship in? And you have one big gift for one person maybe or a secret Santa you could do You could suggest something like that. But if I did have a gift for just my best colleague ever sitting next to me every day, I would give it in private.

I've heard mixed things about giving your boss gifts. I like giving my boss's gifts. I feel grateful for them. But sometimes, like in the past, my mom has said to me, like, that's a weird thing to do, that you're supposed to not gift up, so to speak.

What's your pulse on that.

I always gifted my boss always, my first real boss ever, I still give her gifts and you and that she hasn't been my boss in decades, I still send her a gift because I'm so grateful for the opportunity she gave me. She gave me my first real job in New York City, and so I love gifting bosses. Again, if I'm the only one doing it, or I'm not sure if other people are doing it, I'm doing in private.

Otherwise, a beautiful holiday card.

Again, something you baked if you want to be less about price or anything like that. If you're not sure what to get your boss and you can't, you know, afford something that your bosses everything, Something personalized with their initials or monogram goes a long way.

I actually love that you've been bringing up baked goods throughout our conversation. I never do that because time is so hard to come by, but I think I'm gonna start doing that because I do think like the fact that time is hard to come by. I think it's such a sweet gesture that you're like, I know, I could have with the click of a finger brought you a gift online, but I took the time to actually find the ingredients and bake it for you.

Yes, and I do a batch, a massive batch party where I get all of my ingredients, I put some Bailey's on ice, I put on the holiday music. I spend five hours and make the biggest batch of whatever it is in my life.

Yeah, that is it and that's all.

And even if you like Brownie's like I was talking about, I freeze them for an emergency gifts sometimes too. There's nothing better. There's nothing better than like somebody that made something for you.

Yeah, totally, it's really heartwarming. We need to take a quick break, but don't go anywhere. We'll be right back with etiquette expert mikeh Meyer. And we're back with mikeah Meyer. Okay, what are your thoughts on thank you notes for holiday gifts?

It depends on what it is.

If somebody just handed you a cute little candy cane with two little rain year eye and like antlers that they made, I would say all things, that's so sweet. Maybe a little text that's it, or maybe it'll thank you in the hallway. But if somebody really baked me something, if you brought me a bit, I.

Would definitely write a thank you. That's just me.

I again, I have like stationary. I have like a roll index of stationary for everybody and everything.

I love it.

I love it because nobody writes handwritten thank you cards anymore, so it's tangible, it's thoughtful.

Who has time?

But remember three lines and three minutes be done. Don't go nuts and think about something that takes a year to plan and write out.

Just make it quick and send it off. Don't think just to have to do it.

Mike, I have one quick last question, if that's okay.

Yes, So much of your work has to do with warmth, and I really really love that word. I actually try to infuse all of my emails with warmth purposely because I think it can be sort of a cold medium. And there's something that I've noticed that I really want I want to ask you about. And I don't know if this is La or Hollywood specific, but I've noticed that sometimes people mistake my warmth for weakness, and if I am more curt or more cold, they are more willing to respond to me. And that's not how I want to be. That's not who I am. So what do you think about that? And how do you approach emails because you're a very warm person.

Yes, I actually have a quote in one of my books that says, don't mistake my kindness for weakness.

I say that all the time.

I would say I, for example, I don't ever like emails that say hope this email finds you well or things like that. I usually will start with something really that kind of evokes emotion.

So I love warm emails.

Like what can you give us an example of what you mean by that?

Sure, So if I'm writing to somebody today today, I run an email and I said, the last time we spoke, you were on your way to the most fabulous trip to Spain.

I cannot wait to hear about it.

So like, I like went in and I hadn't spoken to this person since summer, literally since summer, but I kind of needed something.

Oh, I hope they're not listening.

So I went in just showing rapport, like I took the time to say, the last time you spoke, this is what you were doing. And I think it's really shows that I am thoughtful that I remember this person right. And then I went in and I then go in for my ask and then I in the end I said, you know, I'd love to take you out to lunch. It's been too long. I'm available on the end of January with that work.

And then I like sign off.

I like warm sign off, So I will try to come up with something depending on the person I'm talking to, you know, if it's work I might say gratefully or respectfully, or maybe it's warmest regards or whatever it is. But I'm never just like thanks, where it's just like almost expected. I like choosing words that cause people to kind of pause and think, like, oh, where you can feel emotion through words.

I really enjoy that.

I really enjoy people who love to write, and you can feel that through emails.

Okay, last question, will you settle a very important score for me? Yes, okay, it is well, is loud chewing an extreme offense in the etiquette world?

Yes, thank you. It is so indicated right now. Yeah, it is.

Actually it can be very distracting, and it's actually Snoop Dogg's number one etiquette offense. If you ask him what is his number one etiquette offense, he says, loud chewing.

There's a fun fact for you.

I gotta just call my husband real quick and tell him that's really funny, that Snoop Dogg factoid.

I love that that is his number one at AIT defend her.

There you go, well, Micah, thank you so much for joining us on the bright side.

Thank you so much for having me. I can spend all all day chatting away with you. I feel like we had some wonderful questions and it always spawns more questions. When you hear other you're like, right, wait, there's more, but I love I love it so Thank you so so much.

It's been an absolute joy.

Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and your warmth with us.

A pleasure.

Micah Meier is the founder of Beaumont Etiquette and the best selling author of Modern Etiquette Made Easy. She also co founded the Plaza Hotel finishing program.

That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, it's Wellness Wednesday. We're joined by behavioral scientist and habit researcher Wendy Wood. She's talking all about creating and maintaining habits.

Join the conversation using hashtag the bright Side and connect with us on social media at Hello Sunshine on Instagram and at the bright Side Pod on TikTok oh, and feel free to tag us at simone Voice and at Danielle Robe.

Listen and follow The bright Side on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

See you tomorrow, folks.

Keep looking on the bright side.

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