Show. Hello everybody, Bobby here, I probably realized shows on vacation, and so I hate having a rerun. I hate having to put up podcast reruns. That is not what this is. This is not a rerun, so you didn't even have to enjoy it. But I just want to make sure that something is up, something that is somewhat new, and something that is somewhat compelling. And mostly I have a checklist stuff that I've meaning to talk about for a long time but I've not been able to talk about. So I figure what better time than right now, as I'm sitting alone on vacation making notes from when we get back very soon, I like to first start with a dairy up on my list, have deary. I can no longer have dairy. I can have it, I just can't have it for a long time. I would say probably my whole life. I did not know that I won't say allergic, but that my body does not agree with dairy. Now what sucks about that is I love cheese. Never been a big milk guy unless it's cereal, and then I love milk and cereal, but love cheese all kinds of cheese, love cereal. What eat multiple bowls a day, love it. So it's been difficult to not eat dairy, especially when it comes to things I didn't even know what dairy was in. Like I would order smoothie and I would try to keep it clean, and I had no idea. Now it's just because I didn't look, but I had no idea that whey protein was dairy. So here I am. I've eliminated ninety five percent of dairy and I'm drinking it SMOOTHI and I'm telling my wife, like my stomach kurtz, and she's like, well, try back. You know what you've had, And I'm like, smoothie, And what's in your smoothie strawberries, coconut water, blah blah, protein, what kind of protein? Way? Protein? Well, there you go. So the dairy thing has been difficult, way more difficult than I thought. And I'm not even gonna say that it makes me feel so much better, but I just don't feel terrible when I'm not eating cheese, having any milk or any dairy at all. But it is difficult. So, I mean, I'm like a third vegan at this point, and not even on purpose. But that's been a bit of a change in my life. Even if I order like a burger, there are some places that will order ubres or door Dash or whichever the services they can get here the quickest, and they don't offer to take the cheese off the burger, and so it gets here and I've got a fork and I got to scrape the stupid thing off. So that's number one. Number one is my life is a bit different because I don't get to drink milk, or use milk and cereal, or eat any kind of cheese at all, and that sucks because I love it so much. That's number one on my list of ways that my life has changed in the past four to five months. I was in my therapist's office this past week, and I guess for a few weeks we've been talking about being a perfectionist. I do not consider myself a perfectionist in any way. I have friends that I feel like are perfectionists. I feel like I am the exact opposite of a perfectionist. Now, me feeling that I'm not a perfectionist doesn't mean that I feel like I don't work hard, or I'm not tirelessly putting an effort, or I'm not consistently and constantly trying to be better. But to me, perfectionism seems like it would be calendar to what I'm trying to accomplish, because I will easily try something i'm not good at, not be deterred if it doesn't go well, Let just do it again. I just do it again. And my goal isn't for it to be perfect, because I don't believe there is perfection. Actually, but I'm sitting in my therapist's office, and mostly it's me trying to figure out how to find just generally happiness, or how to be okay with it when I do find it, how to not have guilt about it if I do have it for a second, how to acknowledge it before I start assigning other thoughts to Well, I don't think I'm gonna be happy very long, so I better get ready or well, this went pretty well, but if I don't start killing myself now, it's never going to go well again. So I think it's it's kind of just like sitting inside of happiness. And so I like to read. I don't like to be the person that talks a lot about liking to read, because those people tend to be annoying, not people that read, but people that always talk about how much they read. I don't even mind people talking about great books they have read and passing them along. But it's the people that always want to talk about how much they read or how often they read that annoy me a little bit because I feel like they're only saying that because they want you to know that. It's like the person with the big, fake library in their house and they got all these books and you know they are reading that crap. Or it's like the person who does CrossFit and how to tell you all about it. Or it's like the person that is a new vegan. I would say dairy, but I'm only a third vegan. I don't talk about it much, but I'm telling you it has helped me a ton as far as like not having to be in the bathroom for an hour because I go to the bathroom for an hour and nothing would happen. It just felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. But I'm telling you, it wasn't like I was in the bathroom for an hour and I would be in there in bathroom being would be happening. There'd be no bathroom happening anyway. Off dairy off diry for the most part. What I haven't tried, though, is the lactaide. I don't feel that I've been in a place long enough because if I'm gonna eat dairy and tempt lactaid, I need to be somewhere that I'm comfortable if all doesn't go right. What I'm saying because when I was having big stomach and digestion issues, I had tubes everywhere, like I thought I was sick. I thought something was broken inside of me. So I had they'll tube up the butt the colonoscopy, you had the other one, the endoscopy. They're looking at different things, but they're both oscopies, so not comfortable. Then you gotta do the thing the day before where you don't eat, but then you drink like super soaker liquid. I'm not even sure what it is. And then I go to the doctor and he's like, man, you got the colonoscopy or the colon of a nine year old. He actually didn't say that, but he was like, yeah, you look great. And so I framed up that picture picture of my colon in a frame with a heart over that says Nashville, right next to my bed and it's like, well, there's nothing wrong with me inside that what's wrong with me is me getting back to therapy and there's very much stress induced digestive issues. And you may have heard me talked before about stress. I don't feel stress, not that I don't feel stressed as an I'm a superhero. I feel no stress. I generally don't feel that I am a stressed person because I feel that anything I need to do, I will just do anything that I am not able to do that I need to do it, I will figure out how to do it, and if I can't figure out how to do it and do it unsuccessfully, I will then, after unsuccessfully doing it, figure out how to do it better until I do it right. I'm not stressed out about that stuff, like I feel that I have no stress. Now. It's different whenever there are personal things that happen in your life, and there have been personal things that have happened in my life in the past couple of years that have been pretty traumatic. There have been two really severe situations that I haven't fully been able to acknowledge on the air. At some point I will, but it's a timing thing and I cannot yet for different reasons. But personally, I've had two very severe slash traumatic things happen in my direct circle, one involving me, one not involving me, And I think that stress is different. I'm talking about day to day stress. Now. I have a staff of fifteen people. Do I worry that my performance will not be quality enough for them to keep their jobs? At times? I do worry about that because I got to be honest with you. If I go down, the whole ship goes down. That's truth of it. I know that. So if I'm not performing at my highest and the show doesn't perform at its highest, I got a lot of people that are scurrying, And these are my people. If you know my show, you know that I've hired my people from my life. You know the radio show. Amy's been there for twenty years. I was talking to somebody the other day about how long everybody's been with me. They were blown away. I forget sometimes that it is abnormal to have people with you for that long. Amy and Lunchbox are about twenty years. I mean, Eddie and I have been friends for just about that amount of time, but we've been working together on the show for thirteen or fourteen Ray same thing thirteen fourteen years, Mike Dan one capacity to the other twelve thirteen fourteen years. Even Morgan, who came along way late, is now a decade in. And it's funny when people will comment on the environment of the show or like go after me, or go after someone on the show like this just so toxic or toxic? Do think people would be around for twenty years for ten years? Like there are things we do because we're close and we're able to rib each other, give each other a hard time. We're even able to cross the line a little bit because we know if we do accidentally cross the line, we have enough invested in the years that it ain't gonna sink the ship. And so when people are always like this person doesn't like this person, or they don't get along, or they're fighting, or I hate how they treat whomever, I do find that to be a bit comedic, because if the culture was bad, you wouldn't have people there for twenty years or fifteen years or ten years, which is like the lowest I think our lowest persons probably Scuba, and Scuba came over from Seacrest after a few Scuba's probably been there almost ten years, so that just doesn't happen, right, Like, I really take pride in the environment that I create. I hold myself to a very very very very high standard, and I hold everybody else to a high standard, and I hold everybody else to have accountability to the other people in the room. And on the show, everybody's not going to be on every day, but you got to show up on time every single time. Now, how this all gets back to stress and perfectionism is that I don't feel stressed except I do. I did talk about this in the show recently. I didn't know that I felt stress. And you may be having some of these same feelings, except you're not feeling them like I don't, and you may not know it like I don't. And what I would say is through a lot of therapy. And when I'm not a therapy kid, didn't have therapy obviously as a kid, didn't have any money, didn't go to therapy, didn't start therapy until I was an adult. Got insurance. It's probably like twenty five or twenty six, and I was like, for twenty bucks, I can go to therapy. I can go to sit in a room or the shrink, because that's what they call them my television. I gets in the room with a shrink and just say stuff and they'll give me advice. And it literally was going to be for a bit, and about the third time I went, I was actually getting feedback. And then I just kept going, and then I started to realize how excellent is it to have somebody that has no bias giving you feedback. It doesn't mean they're right every time. They're not even trying to be right. I think that's one of my favorite things about therapy. Therapists aren't trying to be right. They're not calling a play. It's not third and six and they're running a slant and turns out you shouldn't run the slant because the corners were on the inside. You had no leverage. And you're like, well that was a bad play to call. Oh they're not. They're actually therapy is setting you up to make the right decisions, or just to have the right tools to make decisions. So, and I've talked about it, been a big therapy guy. But the stress part, as I've learned, is that I have, since possibly even birth, lived under a certain amount of stress that comes with survival. I don't feel it now. I do at times when it manifests itself in weird ways. But when I talk about stress, stress feels different. Stress is like an omnipresent force that when it presents itself, you're like, oh yeah, stress a big thing at works, stressed out. I don't have that. Except what I have learned is that I live within that because I've never been out of that, which is why I don't know how to relax, which is why I don't have a favorite place to go for vacation, which is why I don't like vacation. And I should should say it's not that I don't like vacation. I just don't like vacation. I think there's a difference. I don't dislike vacation, but I don't like vacation. I have no relationship with whatever vacation is because my entire life, I'm not even talking about Wham's poor. I'm not even talking about that to me. Once I started working, I was at one o five point nine k eazy, and I was making what like seven bucks an hour? I doubt that, and I would get a week off. I would use that time to fill it with what I didn't have enough time to do in other parts of work, because again I had to pay whatever the rent was, whatever, the car insurance was whatever, and a lot of people have to do that. It's not even like a rare thing. But I never had a relationship with it because I never went on a vacation as a kid, and then when I became an adult and there was time for vacation, there was no real surplus of a couple hundred bucks to go on a vacation, nor did I know what I wanted to do on vacation, nor did I have anybody to do it with. So I had this relationship with whatever vacation is. There was nonexistent. Not bad, definitely not good, not bad, but just non existent. I don't know how to relax, which is why I've said a bunch of times I wish I could have a relationship with whatever people do when they like drink a little bit and relax or smoke weed or whatever they do to relax, Like I wish I had something like that that allowed me to just experience it. So but apparently I don't feel stress because there was an underlying stress that was implanted into me when I was a mere child. Now, I don't blame anybody for that. My mom was fifteen when she got pregnant. She had me weeks after her sixteenth birthday. What do you think is going to happen? She's struggling herself, had a lot of guilt for a lot of years about just being born because had not been born. Imagine I'm not even gonna say the great life that she could have had because she was also very poor, but like, imagine that she'd have had a shot to graduate high school, possibly to go to college. From all accounts, my mom was a very smart person. She also could sing. That part it didn't get. So there's a stress that from a very young age I didn't have stability or a whole lot of support as a baby, as a toddler, as a whatever lurrey you are when you're four or five, six kindergarten. I don't remember not feeling it, but I definitely remember being alone a lot, even as a young, young, young kid. And the more that I ended up reading about children who not abandoned, because I was not abandoned. Now, my mom was gone for years at a time, but my grandma was there to raise me. And if you read my first book, which is called Bare Bones. I do talk about how I think I wrote in the book. I have not read the book back since I wrote it because it was very difficult. But I think I wrote about how my grandma had left out my Social Security card where I had a change of a last name. So my name was Bobby. My grandma's last name was Hurt, which is why I have HH on my arm, Hazel Hurt. So my grandma was Hazel Hurt and my name was Bobby Hurt. And I was like, why is my name different. It's not Bobby Estell like it is. And then she told me she was my grandma. I'm my mom because my mom would just disappear. Now again, you're talking about I'm five or six years old, so let's just say five. So my mom's twenty one. That's crazy. It's crazy to think of her being sixteen years old with a baby and no real support system, at least not one that could provide financially. So from what I've been told, what I've been taught, what I've learned through all the books I've read, let me type in all the books I read, just kidding, is that that feeling of not knowing there was consistency or love from being a baby in on does create a stress inside of you. I don't know what. I don't feel it, but I always had it. I remember being third or fourth grade, and I would try to get to school early, even if I rode my bike, which I did a lot of times, because I was on the free lunch program, and if you got to early, you got free breakfast, and so I would try to get there so I could eat, because sometimes we're gonna have breakfast at the house, and so I got free lunch. And sometimes I would save the lunch or I would get extra if they would allow, and I would take it home and eat it for dinner. And it never felt that I was without when that was happening, because that was just normal. And I think a lot of you guys will relate to that too, Like I didn't know the difference. It was just I'd like to eat. So how am I gonna eat? Not always food at the house, So I think I'm gonna eat by riding my bike to school extra early. By the way, nobody woke me up, I will remember. I mean, it's it's how I live my life now, right is gonna be eventually my point, and so I never felt like I was without because I didn't know the difference. I was just normal. I mean, there were other kids that had more, and I guess I felt like a kid that didn't have as much. But it wasn't. Yeah, I wasn't ostracized so much because I'm from a small town where most people are poor. We did have one killed a swim pool in ground. That's pretty freaking cool. But if I didn't get free breakfast, if I didn't get free lunch, if I didn't take some home for dinner. Sometimes not all the time, because sometimes we had Hamburger, Helper or manwich, and I explained to my wife what man which was yeah. So it wasn't all the time, but definitely with some times that I needed to be prepared. So there was a stress there, right, not that I knew. I didn't know I was stressed. I was just surviving, you know. I think about seventh or eighth grade, probably seventh, because that's when I took my act for the first time. Seventh grade is when I realized whatever was happening in my small town, it was for a lot of people, but it wasn't for me because I wanted to do things that other people around me weren't doing, not because I was watching them done, but because I naturally was doing things that really didn't make a lot of sense where I was. And a great thing too, is my mom around I guess eighth grade. I'm not sure when my mom in Arkansas, Keith got married. They were together on and off a bit. I live with my grandma for a little bit while they were together. My grandma was awesome. Like I get, I don't get emotional thinking about things, but if I am talking about it like I am now, like I'm starting to feel a little choked up thinking about my grandma. It's to the point where I sometimes I avoid thinking about her because I don't know it makes me sad and like I miss her Because it didn't matter what happened. My grandma was always there. And again, I didn't know the difference. I didn't know how important she was. I didn't know that what she was doing was basically making sure that I had any sort of chance to do anything. And I'm not even saying do anything that's considered successful or great, but just to not fall into the same traps that a lot of people in a lot of small towns fall into which is why I'm so sensitive to people in small towns getting opportunities, because a lot of times they don't have a grandma. I don't think I have the worst story ever. I think there are parts of my story that are and were difficult well, and I used to resent them so much and be confused as to why that crap had to happen to me. I don't feel that way anymore. For the most part, I'm grateful for them because I wouldn't be whatever stress ball I am. But I wouldn't have this success. I wouldn't have met my wife. I wouldn't have had a lot of this stuff happen had I not gone through that. But without my grandma, I don't even get a chance to do that. Whatever difficult life I had would have been so much more difficult without my grandma, which I haven't really thought about in a long time. I'm sitting here now thinking about it, and a little bit my eyeballs are getting hot. But she was there, and she wasn't there like hey, every day, I'm here. If you need me, come on over. She wasn't there like that, But she was there. In that if my mom wasn't there, guess what. Guess where we're going, Guess what we're staying. Guess who's staying her. My grandma always, always, always, she wasn't hey, I'm coming over and bringing something over. No, no, no, she was just the ultimate safety net, more than a net. I think my mom knew that too. So my mom was very, very, very young, I think. I mean, now I'm forty four years old. My mom died just about my age, just barely older, but just my age. Basically, I think about how old I was compared to how old. If I would have had a kid at the same age as my mom, crazy like, right now, i'd have a kid over twenty years old, over twenty I mean, i'd have a twenty for again, twenty six year old kid. I mean, if I'm math, that's right, but which is crazy? And again, I used to feel so much guilt because of that, because my mom had me sorrly. But I'm also grateful for my grandma. I'm grateful for my stress that I did not know I had, but I do have it, and I do at least now I do have the ability to acknowledge it. And so when you live with something for so long and you don't even know you live with it. It's kind of hard just to go, oh, I'm gonna point a finger at that, and it's just going to disappear. Because again, I don't feel stressed, because I've always had a sort of stress entrenched into me from whenever I was a baby to now. I mean, you can talk to the people that work for me. I think I am both the greatest boss of all time and the absolute most fantastic A plus leader there could possibly be, and at the same time the exact opposite. There's two things can be true at once. I stay so stressed out every single day. I don't sleep. Why don't I sleep because I'm afraid I will oversleep, and if I oversleep, I lose my job. There's a lot of letters in between there, like if I oversleep, the performance is low, so but me not sleeping also then allows me to get sick, and I get sick, I don't perform as well, So then there is that that contradiction within itself. But I feel constantly stressed out without even knowing what stress is. I am wound so tight. I am not saying this as a compliment but I have never met anyone more efficient than me. I don't think efficiency is that sexy, but I have never met anyone more efficient than me because I'm scared to not be so, I am stressed out constantly without feeling stressed. And this is where perfectionism comes into play. I haven't forgot about that. It's where I started, it's where I'm going to end this part. I'm not a perfectionist. I don't speak well, and I have a job that people listen to me. Millions of people listen to me. I am wildly successful at this job. By the way, one step back. I think I'm a great boss because I don't do anything. I don't ask my people to do period. I think i'm a great boss because if you're on my team, we're going to win. It might take a second, we might lose for a minute, but we're going to win. I am a great boss because your other teammates are going to respect you and your time the way you're going to respect them. I'm a great boss because I have extremely high expectations of myself and high expectations of you. And I only have high expectations of you if I think you can meet those expectations. So if you're working with me, I have high regards for you, and I expect you to not only hit that, but to break from that. I think I'm a great leader. Now ask I'm a great leader because get on the team and let's go win. And I'm a great leader because I know all the time I can't lead. There have been a couple of times I referenced it earlier, a couple of instances where I was really working from a detra I don't want to say it was very tough for me, and I had to rely on others. And I think a great leader knows that at times you have to do that. A great leader is not someone with no weakness. I have a ton of weakness. So I think I'm a great leader. I also think I'm at times a terrible leader in that I don't communicate well with others in certain professional instances because I think at this point my feeling is well, they can understand, they can read my mind, they know what I'm feeling, and so I get disappointed without it being fair to them. And I know that and I try to get better at that. And I think that is an extreme weakness of mine. Is a lack of communication at times, not because I'm scared to communicate because I'm not generally a people pleaser, but I think it's the expectation that people are able to know what I'm thinking for whatever reason, because we've done it for a long time together, because they know so definitely have flaws, But if you're with me, it's because I believe in you and we're gonna go win the sucker, it doesn't matter what it is. I think a bit of my stress is making sure that what I have, and that's relationships, that's work, making sure that doesn't crumble because I'm petrified I don't deserve it to begin with. I don't really have a skill. Like I said, I'm not the greatest talker, not the greatest community even just my job, not even like leadership skills have an accent. I talk too fast at times, I forget mid sentence what I was trying to say because something else happens. But that doesn't keep me from being really good at this job. And I think a lot of the success has been I've been able to pick really m really I don't want to short sell them with the words really well rounded in specialized ways high functioning people, and that's been cool. But I'm afraid if I oversleep. I'm afraid if I don't put in X amount of time at night reading through stories. I'm afraid if I don't keep up with this. I'm afraid if I don't. It's complete fear based that has created the stress that I live with that I don't know I have. That is not only my superpower, but it is also my greatest weakness now to perfectionism in the midst of this stress and me trying to find out how that I can sleep because I don't sleep, and I think it used to be the cool thing that God, I don't sleep, I just work. I don't feel that way anymore because I need to sleep in order to be extremely effective working. But I just need to sleep to be healthy, to be there for my wife, to be a decent boss, to have my wits about me so I can be funny. I don't sleep, and a bit of that, if not all of that is coming from the stress, not from whatever physically has been going on with me, because I've had it all checked out, all of us checked out. I've got tubes in every hole, got them in there now, coln Osky and Dosk be adopt Osk could be adopt osk could be And I hope if you're listening, maybe you can relate to a little bit of this. And where perfectionism comes in. My therapist is like, I think your perfectionist is that. I think you are absolutely wrong because I don't pursue perfection. I think me trying to be perfect at something, me trying to make it slick and shiny. That would be the opposite of what I've always done successfully. And I haven't purposefully done it successfully because if I had a great announcer voice, I would have done that. I think I wanted to sound like this crap, but it's like, I think you're missing the point of what perfectionism is. And I was because when I air perfectionism, I think it's to somebody wanting a perfect product. And when I air perfectionism, I think of it as a positive. I think of it as well, they really want to do it perfect, They're not going to quit until then, and I think that can be an aspect of it. However, I have now started to learn I've been waiting into perfectionism in a way that is not the most healthy in a way that I do have these tendencies because I think there is no way I will be successful unless my process of doing something is perfectly the same way that it's been my entire life, because that's the only way I've been successful, and the only way I've been successful is showing up on time every time, all the time and making sure that nothing that I can control is off even a percent, which is stressful. I think about perfectionism like that. I didn't think about perfectionism as being not a perfect product, but my perfectionism is in my mind. I feel like if I don't do it this one exact way, that it's not going to be done right. I'm petrified to do it a different way. I'm petrified to be late. I'm the first one there. Ray Mundo is there. He's got to turn the show on. But if everybody like that, you guys, hear of I'm the first one there. I would like to be like some of the other guys I know they do radio on TV that are like whatever the big star as they show up ten minutes before and everybody else has everything taken care of, and they walk in, they got their notes and oh they've planned every bit. No, I can't do that. I would love to do that, I'm not too good to do that. But I feel if I do that, I will not be successful. And it's not even just that. It's why I made my news resolution to try to be late twice to work this year. I've not even been close. I can't. It's that I think, not that I'm going to succeed if I don't do the process perfect, but that if I don't do the process quote perfect, in my mind, that I am going to fail and flame out so hard that I'm going to be back where I started. Whichever version of that it is. I've never thought of myself as a perfectionist because my product is not perfect. I have not even edited this. I have no desire to edit this. There's gonna be gaps. I'm gonna be stumbling, I'm gonna be saying things wrong. My books, like my literal books with a massive publishing company, the biggest in the world, they have typos in them because I wrote. When I wrote, I wrote so wrong that they couldn't even catch all the typos. I'm fine with that. A big part of whatever my brand is has been just go and try it. I would rather there be action and messing up than in action, because at least with action you learn something, But with action you got to show up every time, on time, all the time. And so where my perfectionism, I don't say that is a positive thing, that is not a flex or a brag. Where my perfectionism comes in is I am scared to death that if I don't do it the exact way I've done it my entire life, that I am going to be a loser, a failure and it. And then here's the contradiction. At the same time, I'm like, well, I don't mind failing, I failed so many things, But then why must I maintain this extremely rigorous process that keeps me apparently so stressed out it physically makes me sick and completely fearful. I don't know the answer to that, but I do accept now that I am a perfectionist, and not in the way of I am a perfectionist when it comes to playing the cello, where the notes must be exactly right and you shall enjoy this. I am a perfectionist in an unhealthy way where if the process is not done and what I feel is the perfect way, it is not acceptable, and when it's not acceptable, I will be a complete loser and failure. And you know what, when you say it out loud, it feels ridiculous, and it is ridiculous, But it can't change how I feel in a day or three therapy sessions. But the key to changing anything, if it's whatever I'm whining about here, if it's addiction, even I could talk about my mom or other family members, is acknowledging it is understanding that it exists. That's the key. It doesn't mean you're going to fix it, but you cannot fix it if you don't know about it, if you don't acknowledge it. So I'm trying not to be as much of a perfectionist. Weird to say, because it does feel like a flex, it is not a flex. I did not think I was a perfectionist forever because my product is not perfect. And I would encourage you if you're listening to this, if you have these tendencies that you can't figure out. I had to look at it from a different perspective because if you would have said, oh, you're a perfectionist, it seriously said that there's no way. There's no way. I'd bet all the money in my pocket. I got like eleven bucks in my pocket. Because my product is not perfect. That does not mean I'm not a perfectionist, because it must be done a certain way what I deem perfect in order to be successful, and that also is not true. So it's challenging. I'm not even gonna say beliefs because I didn't even know that I had it. But I know what my belief system is. I didn't even know that I felt this way, but that's what's up. I'm trying to be less of a perfectionist. I'm trying to identify the stresses and stressors that keep me from sleeping and being healthy. I'm very happy I had this conversation because I thought about my grandmother in a way that I haven't in a long time, a very thankful way. I'm never not thankful, but just for a second in this conversation, she existed with me, and that's pretty awesome. I mostly got over years ago feeling guilty that I was born. Mostly that doesn't mean I fully am now, but at least I understand when I struggle with it, and I still feel guilty for being born, I understand I had nothing to do with that I could not control that in any way. And I'm somebody who likes control, because I feel like if I control it, if it doesn't go right, at least I had a chance because I was controlling it. I have no control over it. I had no control over it. I will have no control over it. I can acknowledge that now the same way I can acknowledge that I'm a perfectionist in the worst way. The rest of the podcast that was up today was a rerun, or was it. It was Monday, so it was a new show today. It's a new show today, but we put this podcast up today with it because we only did the single show and then this because I just want to make sure one there's content and too. I didn't even get to the other things I want to talk about. Now I gotta go eat. I want to talk about my chain I've been wearing. I'm not a chain guy. I'm a jewelry guy. One thing about my wife, and there's many things about my wife that I deeply respect. It's her confidence in everybody. It all was rooted in. And I'll be quick because my food's apparently up there. I was doing NFL Honors. It was a television show on Fox with the NFL was presenting an award to George Kittle, the tied end for the forty nine ers, and I was up. I was on television and I was wearing suit but no tie, and I said, man, I feel empty with no tie. My wife said, I don't wear like a chain. I was like, I don't wear jewelry. I like stupid. And she was like, well, you can wear a chain. It'll just give you a slight like a emsy beansy little something and people may not even see it, but they may sit the back of your neck. It'll add just something and maybe it won't, but maybe it will. And I'm like, I don't know. She's like, just swear. Think about my wife. She really believes if you believe you can pull it off, you can pull it off, and if everybody else. So I've had a little it's very small, had a little chain and I've just been wearing it because I appreciate that from her, not even about that TV show, but she lives by it. She's like, it doesn't matter what people think. Oh does this look stupid? Can I pull this off? She's like, do you want to pull it off? Do you like it. Okay, you're pulling it off the end. She's right now. I was gonna do a whole chain thing because I've been wearing a chain a little bit. But nobody's noticed. And that's okay, you have to notice my chain. Gotta go. Hope you guys have a great rest of the day. If if you heard this, if you got to this point, send me a message on Instagram my stories. I appreciate that. I have no idea if you guys are gonna listen for fifty minutes to this. This was not supposed to go this long. Maybe you don't, maybe it won't. Maybe well you won't even notice in me a message, but you can send me a message saying, hey, listen to all fifty minutes like this. Didn't like this, This did not resonate with me. This did resonate with me. That helps me. I do like feedback. So thank you for listening. And I appreciate you guys listening to the show. There are ten million options in fact that you listen with us. That's really awesome, and thank you very much. And that is the end of this one man show. All right bye, everybody,

Show. Hello everybody, Bobby here, I probably realized shows on vacation, and so I hate having a rerun. I hate having to put up podcast reruns. That is not what this is. This is not a rerun, so you didn't even have to enjoy it. But I just want to make sure that something is up, something that is somewhat new, and something that is somewhat compelling. And mostly I have a checklist stuff that I've meaning to talk about for a long time but I've not been able to talk about. So I figure what better time than right now, as I'm sitting alone on vacation making notes from when we get back very soon, I like to first start with a dairy up on my list, have deary. I can no longer have dairy. I can have it, I just can't have it for a long time. I would say probably my whole life. I did not know that I won't say allergic, but that my body does not agree with dairy. Now what sucks about that is I love cheese. Never been a big milk guy unless it's cereal, and then I love milk and cereal, but love cheese all kinds of cheese, love cereal. What eat multiple bowls a day, love it. So it's been difficult to not eat dairy, especially when it comes to things I didn't even know what dairy was in. Like I would order smoothie and I would try to keep it clean, and I had no idea. Now it's just because I didn't look, but I had no idea that whey protein was dairy. So here I am. I've eliminated ninety five percent of dairy and I'm drinking it SMOOTHI and I'm telling my wife, like my stomach kurtz, and she's like, well, try back. You know what you've had, And I'm like, smoothie, And what's in your smoothie strawberries, coconut water, blah blah, protein, what kind of protein? Way? Protein? Well, there you go. So the dairy thing has been difficult, way more difficult than I thought. And I'm not even gonna say that it makes me feel so much better, but I just don't feel terrible when I'm not eating cheese, having any milk or any dairy at all. But it is difficult. So, I mean, I'm like a third vegan at this point, and not even on purpose. But that's been a bit of a change in my life. Even if I order like a burger, there are some places that will order ubres or door Dash or whichever the services they can get here the quickest, and they don't offer to take the cheese off the burger, and so it gets here and I've got a fork and I got to scrape the stupid thing off. So that's number one. Number one is my life is a bit different because I don't get to drink milk, or use milk and cereal, or eat any kind of cheese at all, and that sucks because I love it so much. That's number one on my list of ways that my life has changed in the past four to five months. I was in my therapist's office this past week, and I guess for a few weeks we've been talking about being a perfectionist. I do not consider myself a perfectionist in any way. I have friends that I feel like are perfectionists. I feel like I am the exact opposite of a perfectionist. Now, me feeling that I'm not a perfectionist doesn't mean that I feel like I don't work hard, or I'm not tirelessly putting an effort, or I'm not consistently and constantly trying to be better. But to me, perfectionism seems like it would be calendar to what I'm trying to accomplish, because I will easily try something i'm not good at, not be deterred if it doesn't go well, Let just do it again. I just do it again. And my goal isn't for it to be perfect, because I don't believe there is perfection. Actually, but I'm sitting in my therapist's office, and mostly it's me trying to figure out how to find just generally happiness, or how to be okay with it when I do find it, how to not have guilt about it if I do have it for a second, how to acknowledge it before I start assigning other thoughts to Well, I don't think I'm gonna be happy very long, so I better get ready or well, this went pretty well, but if I don't start killing myself now, it's never going to go well again. So I think it's it's kind of just like sitting inside of happiness. And so I like to read. I don't like to be the person that talks a lot about liking to read, because those people tend to be annoying, not people that read, but people that always talk about how much they read. I don't even mind people talking about great books they have read and passing them along. But it's the people that always want to talk about how much they read or how often they read that annoy me a little bit because I feel like they're only saying that because they want you to know that. It's like the person with the big, fake library in their house and they got all these books and you know they are reading that crap. Or it's like the person who does CrossFit and how to tell you all about it. Or it's like the person that is a new vegan. I would say dairy, but I'm only a third vegan. I don't talk about it much, but I'm telling you it has helped me a ton as far as like not having to be in the bathroom for an hour because I go to the bathroom for an hour and nothing would happen. It just felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. But I'm telling you, it wasn't like I was in the bathroom for an hour and I would be in there in bathroom being would be happening. There'd be no bathroom happening anyway. Off dairy off diry for the most part. What I haven't tried, though, is the lactaide. I don't feel that I've been in a place long enough because if I'm gonna eat dairy and tempt lactaid, I need to be somewhere that I'm comfortable if all doesn't go right. What I'm saying because when I was having big stomach and digestion issues, I had tubes everywhere, like I thought I was sick. I thought something was broken inside of me. So I had they'll tube up the butt the colonoscopy, you had the other one, the endoscopy. They're looking at different things, but they're both oscopies, so not comfortable. Then you gotta do the thing the day before where you don't eat, but then you drink like super soaker liquid. I'm not even sure what it is. And then I go to the doctor and he's like, man, you got the colonoscopy or the colon of a nine year old. He actually didn't say that, but he was like, yeah, you look great. And so I framed up that picture picture of my colon in a frame with a heart over that says Nashville, right next to my bed and it's like, well, there's nothing wrong with me inside that what's wrong with me is me getting back to therapy and there's very much stress induced digestive issues. And you may have heard me talked before about stress. I don't feel stress, not that I don't feel stressed as an I'm a superhero. I feel no stress. I generally don't feel that I am a stressed person because I feel that anything I need to do, I will just do anything that I am not able to do that I need to do it, I will figure out how to do it, and if I can't figure out how to do it and do it unsuccessfully, I will then, after unsuccessfully doing it, figure out how to do it better until I do it right. I'm not stressed out about that stuff, like I feel that I have no stress. Now. It's different whenever there are personal things that happen in your life, and there have been personal things that have happened in my life in the past couple of years that have been pretty traumatic. There have been two really severe situations that I haven't fully been able to acknowledge on the air. At some point I will, but it's a timing thing and I cannot yet for different reasons. But personally, I've had two very severe slash traumatic things happen in my direct circle, one involving me, one not involving me, And I think that stress is different. I'm talking about day to day stress. Now. I have a staff of fifteen people. Do I worry that my performance will not be quality enough for them to keep their jobs? At times? I do worry about that because I got to be honest with you. If I go down, the whole ship goes down. That's truth of it. I know that. So if I'm not performing at my highest and the show doesn't perform at its highest, I got a lot of people that are scurrying, And these are my people. If you know my show, you know that I've hired my people from my life. You know the radio show. Amy's been there for twenty years. I was talking to somebody the other day about how long everybody's been with me. They were blown away. I forget sometimes that it is abnormal to have people with you for that long. Amy and Lunchbox are about twenty years. I mean, Eddie and I have been friends for just about that amount of time, but we've been working together on the show for thirteen or fourteen Ray same thing thirteen fourteen years, Mike Dan one capacity to the other twelve thirteen fourteen years. Even Morgan, who came along way late, is now a decade in. And it's funny when people will comment on the environment of the show or like go after me, or go after someone on the show like this just so toxic or toxic? Do think people would be around for twenty years for ten years? Like there are things we do because we're close and we're able to rib each other, give each other a hard time. We're even able to cross the line a little bit because we know if we do accidentally cross the line, we have enough invested in the years that it ain't gonna sink the ship. And so when people are always like this person doesn't like this person, or they don't get along, or they're fighting, or I hate how they treat whomever, I do find that to be a bit comedic, because if the culture was bad, you wouldn't have people there for twenty years or fifteen years or ten years, which is like the lowest I think our lowest persons probably Scuba, and Scuba came over from Seacrest after a few Scuba's probably been there almost ten years, so that just doesn't happen, right, Like, I really take pride in the environment that I create. I hold myself to a very very very very high standard, and I hold everybody else to a high standard, and I hold everybody else to have accountability to the other people in the room. And on the show, everybody's not going to be on every day, but you got to show up on time every single time. Now, how this all gets back to stress and perfectionism is that I don't feel stressed except I do. I did talk about this in the show recently. I didn't know that I felt stress. And you may be having some of these same feelings, except you're not feeling them like I don't, and you may not know it like I don't. And what I would say is through a lot of therapy. And when I'm not a therapy kid, didn't have therapy obviously as a kid, didn't have any money, didn't go to therapy, didn't start therapy until I was an adult. Got insurance. It's probably like twenty five or twenty six, and I was like, for twenty bucks, I can go to therapy. I can go to sit in a room or the shrink, because that's what they call them my television. I gets in the room with a shrink and just say stuff and they'll give me advice. And it literally was going to be for a bit, and about the third time I went, I was actually getting feedback. And then I just kept going, and then I started to realize how excellent is it to have somebody that has no bias giving you feedback. It doesn't mean they're right every time. They're not even trying to be right. I think that's one of my favorite things about therapy. Therapists aren't trying to be right. They're not calling a play. It's not third and six and they're running a slant and turns out you shouldn't run the slant because the corners were on the inside. You had no leverage. And you're like, well that was a bad play to call. Oh they're not. They're actually therapy is setting you up to make the right decisions, or just to have the right tools to make decisions. So, and I've talked about it, been a big therapy guy. But the stress part, as I've learned, is that I have, since possibly even birth, lived under a certain amount of stress that comes with survival. I don't feel it now. I do at times when it manifests itself in weird ways. But when I talk about stress, stress feels different. Stress is like an omnipresent force that when it presents itself, you're like, oh yeah, stress a big thing at works, stressed out. I don't have that. Except what I have learned is that I live within that because I've never been out of that, which is why I don't know how to relax, which is why I don't have a favorite place to go for vacation, which is why I don't like vacation. And I should should say it's not that I don't like vacation. I just don't like vacation. I think there's a difference. I don't dislike vacation, but I don't like vacation. I have no relationship with whatever vacation is because my entire life, I'm not even talking about Wham's poor. I'm not even talking about that to me. Once I started working, I was at one o five point nine k eazy, and I was making what like seven bucks an hour? I doubt that, and I would get a week off. I would use that time to fill it with what I didn't have enough time to do in other parts of work, because again I had to pay whatever the rent was, whatever, the car insurance was whatever, and a lot of people have to do that. It's not even like a rare thing. But I never had a relationship with it because I never went on a vacation as a kid, and then when I became an adult and there was time for vacation, there was no real surplus of a couple hundred bucks to go on a vacation, nor did I know what I wanted to do on vacation, nor did I have anybody to do it with. So I had this relationship with whatever vacation is. There was nonexistent. Not bad, definitely not good, not bad, but just non existent. I don't know how to relax, which is why I've said a bunch of times I wish I could have a relationship with whatever people do when they like drink a little bit and relax or smoke weed or whatever they do to relax, Like I wish I had something like that that allowed me to just experience it. So but apparently I don't feel stress because there was an underlying stress that was implanted into me when I was a mere child. Now, I don't blame anybody for that. My mom was fifteen when she got pregnant. She had me weeks after her sixteenth birthday. What do you think is going to happen? She's struggling herself, had a lot of guilt for a lot of years about just being born because had not been born. Imagine I'm not even gonna say the great life that she could have had because she was also very poor, but like, imagine that she'd have had a shot to graduate high school, possibly to go to college. From all accounts, my mom was a very smart person. She also could sing. That part it didn't get. So there's a stress that from a very young age I didn't have stability or a whole lot of support as a baby, as a toddler, as a whatever lurrey you are when you're four or five, six kindergarten. I don't remember not feeling it, but I definitely remember being alone a lot, even as a young, young, young kid. And the more that I ended up reading about children who not abandoned, because I was not abandoned. Now, my mom was gone for years at a time, but my grandma was there to raise me. And if you read my first book, which is called Bare Bones. I do talk about how I think I wrote in the book. I have not read the book back since I wrote it because it was very difficult. But I think I wrote about how my grandma had left out my Social Security card where I had a change of a last name. So my name was Bobby. My grandma's last name was Hurt, which is why I have HH on my arm, Hazel Hurt. So my grandma was Hazel Hurt and my name was Bobby Hurt. And I was like, why is my name different. It's not Bobby Estell like it is. And then she told me she was my grandma. I'm my mom because my mom would just disappear. Now again, you're talking about I'm five or six years old, so let's just say five. So my mom's twenty one. That's crazy. It's crazy to think of her being sixteen years old with a baby and no real support system, at least not one that could provide financially. So from what I've been told, what I've been taught, what I've learned through all the books I've read, let me type in all the books I read, just kidding, is that that feeling of not knowing there was consistency or love from being a baby in on does create a stress inside of you. I don't know what. I don't feel it, but I always had it. I remember being third or fourth grade, and I would try to get to school early, even if I rode my bike, which I did a lot of times, because I was on the free lunch program, and if you got to early, you got free breakfast, and so I would try to get there so I could eat, because sometimes we're gonna have breakfast at the house, and so I got free lunch. And sometimes I would save the lunch or I would get extra if they would allow, and I would take it home and eat it for dinner. And it never felt that I was without when that was happening, because that was just normal. And I think a lot of you guys will relate to that too, Like I didn't know the difference. It was just I'd like to eat. So how am I gonna eat? Not always food at the house, So I think I'm gonna eat by riding my bike to school extra early. By the way, nobody woke me up, I will remember. I mean, it's it's how I live my life now, right is gonna be eventually my point, and so I never felt like I was without because I didn't know the difference. I was just normal. I mean, there were other kids that had more, and I guess I felt like a kid that didn't have as much. But it wasn't. Yeah, I wasn't ostracized so much because I'm from a small town where most people are poor. We did have one killed a swim pool in ground. That's pretty freaking cool. But if I didn't get free breakfast, if I didn't get free lunch, if I didn't take some home for dinner. Sometimes not all the time, because sometimes we had Hamburger, Helper or manwich, and I explained to my wife what man which was yeah. So it wasn't all the time, but definitely with some times that I needed to be prepared. So there was a stress there, right, not that I knew. I didn't know I was stressed. I was just surviving, you know. I think about seventh or eighth grade, probably seventh, because that's when I took my act for the first time. Seventh grade is when I realized whatever was happening in my small town, it was for a lot of people, but it wasn't for me because I wanted to do things that other people around me weren't doing, not because I was watching them done, but because I naturally was doing things that really didn't make a lot of sense where I was. And a great thing too, is my mom around I guess eighth grade. I'm not sure when my mom in Arkansas, Keith got married. They were together on and off a bit. I live with my grandma for a little bit while they were together. My grandma was awesome. Like I get, I don't get emotional thinking about things, but if I am talking about it like I am now, like I'm starting to feel a little choked up thinking about my grandma. It's to the point where I sometimes I avoid thinking about her because I don't know it makes me sad and like I miss her Because it didn't matter what happened. My grandma was always there. And again, I didn't know the difference. I didn't know how important she was. I didn't know that what she was doing was basically making sure that I had any sort of chance to do anything. And I'm not even saying do anything that's considered successful or great, but just to not fall into the same traps that a lot of people in a lot of small towns fall into which is why I'm so sensitive to people in small towns getting opportunities, because a lot of times they don't have a grandma. I don't think I have the worst story ever. I think there are parts of my story that are and were difficult well, and I used to resent them so much and be confused as to why that crap had to happen to me. I don't feel that way anymore. For the most part, I'm grateful for them because I wouldn't be whatever stress ball I am. But I wouldn't have this success. I wouldn't have met my wife. I wouldn't have had a lot of this stuff happen had I not gone through that. But without my grandma, I don't even get a chance to do that. Whatever difficult life I had would have been so much more difficult without my grandma, which I haven't really thought about in a long time. I'm sitting here now thinking about it, and a little bit my eyeballs are getting hot. But she was there, and she wasn't there like hey, every day, I'm here. If you need me, come on over. She wasn't there like that, But she was there. In that if my mom wasn't there, guess what. Guess where we're going, Guess what we're staying. Guess who's staying her. My grandma always, always, always, she wasn't hey, I'm coming over and bringing something over. No, no, no, she was just the ultimate safety net, more than a net. I think my mom knew that too. So my mom was very, very, very young, I think. I mean, now I'm forty four years old. My mom died just about my age, just barely older, but just my age. Basically, I think about how old I was compared to how old. If I would have had a kid at the same age as my mom, crazy like, right now, i'd have a kid over twenty years old, over twenty I mean, i'd have a twenty for again, twenty six year old kid. I mean, if I'm math, that's right, but which is crazy? And again, I used to feel so much guilt because of that, because my mom had me sorrly. But I'm also grateful for my grandma. I'm grateful for my stress that I did not know I had, but I do have it, and I do at least now I do have the ability to acknowledge it. And so when you live with something for so long and you don't even know you live with it. It's kind of hard just to go, oh, I'm gonna point a finger at that, and it's just going to disappear. Because again, I don't feel stressed, because I've always had a sort of stress entrenched into me from whenever I was a baby to now. I mean, you can talk to the people that work for me. I think I am both the greatest boss of all time and the absolute most fantastic A plus leader there could possibly be, and at the same time the exact opposite. There's two things can be true at once. I stay so stressed out every single day. I don't sleep. Why don't I sleep because I'm afraid I will oversleep, and if I oversleep, I lose my job. There's a lot of letters in between there, like if I oversleep, the performance is low, so but me not sleeping also then allows me to get sick, and I get sick, I don't perform as well, So then there is that that contradiction within itself. But I feel constantly stressed out without even knowing what stress is. I am wound so tight. I am not saying this as a compliment but I have never met anyone more efficient than me. I don't think efficiency is that sexy, but I have never met anyone more efficient than me because I'm scared to not be so, I am stressed out constantly without feeling stressed. And this is where perfectionism comes into play. I haven't forgot about that. It's where I started, it's where I'm going to end this part. I'm not a perfectionist. I don't speak well, and I have a job that people listen to me. Millions of people listen to me. I am wildly successful at this job. By the way, one step back. I think I'm a great boss because I don't do anything. I don't ask my people to do period. I think i'm a great boss because if you're on my team, we're going to win. It might take a second, we might lose for a minute, but we're going to win. I am a great boss because your other teammates are going to respect you and your time the way you're going to respect them. I'm a great boss because I have extremely high expectations of myself and high expectations of you. And I only have high expectations of you if I think you can meet those expectations. So if you're working with me, I have high regards for you, and I expect you to not only hit that, but to break from that. I think I'm a great leader. Now ask I'm a great leader because get on the team and let's go win. And I'm a great leader because I know all the time I can't lead. There have been a couple of times I referenced it earlier, a couple of instances where I was really working from a detra I don't want to say it was very tough for me, and I had to rely on others. And I think a great leader knows that at times you have to do that. A great leader is not someone with no weakness. I have a ton of weakness. So I think I'm a great leader. I also think I'm at times a terrible leader in that I don't communicate well with others in certain professional instances because I think at this point my feeling is well, they can understand, they can read my mind, they know what I'm feeling, and so I get disappointed without it being fair to them. And I know that and I try to get better at that. And I think that is an extreme weakness of mine. Is a lack of communication at times, not because I'm scared to communicate because I'm not generally a people pleaser, but I think it's the expectation that people are able to know what I'm thinking for whatever reason, because we've done it for a long time together, because they know so definitely have flaws, But if you're with me, it's because I believe in you and we're gonna go win the sucker, it doesn't matter what it is. I think a bit of my stress is making sure that what I have, and that's relationships, that's work, making sure that doesn't crumble because I'm petrified I don't deserve it to begin with. I don't really have a skill. Like I said, I'm not the greatest talker, not the greatest community even just my job, not even like leadership skills have an accent. I talk too fast at times, I forget mid sentence what I was trying to say because something else happens. But that doesn't keep me from being really good at this job. And I think a lot of the success has been I've been able to pick really m really I don't want to short sell them with the words really well rounded in specialized ways high functioning people, and that's been cool. But I'm afraid if I oversleep. I'm afraid if I don't put in X amount of time at night reading through stories. I'm afraid if I don't keep up with this. I'm afraid if I don't. It's complete fear based that has created the stress that I live with that I don't know I have. That is not only my superpower, but it is also my greatest weakness now to perfectionism in the midst of this stress and me trying to find out how that I can sleep because I don't sleep, and I think it used to be the cool thing that God, I don't sleep, I just work. I don't feel that way anymore because I need to sleep in order to be extremely effective working. But I just need to sleep to be healthy, to be there for my wife, to be a decent boss, to have my wits about me so I can be funny. I don't sleep, and a bit of that, if not all of that is coming from the stress, not from whatever physically has been going on with me, because I've had it all checked out, all of us checked out. I've got tubes in every hole, got them in there now, coln Osky and Dosk be adopt Osk could be adopt osk could be And I hope if you're listening, maybe you can relate to a little bit of this. And where perfectionism comes in. My therapist is like, I think your perfectionist is that. I think you are absolutely wrong because I don't pursue perfection. I think me trying to be perfect at something, me trying to make it slick and shiny. That would be the opposite of what I've always done successfully. And I haven't purposefully done it successfully because if I had a great announcer voice, I would have done that. I think I wanted to sound like this crap, but it's like, I think you're missing the point of what perfectionism is. And I was because when I air perfectionism, I think it's to somebody wanting a perfect product. And when I air perfectionism, I think of it as a positive. I think of it as well, they really want to do it perfect, They're not going to quit until then, and I think that can be an aspect of it. However, I have now started to learn I've been waiting into perfectionism in a way that is not the most healthy in a way that I do have these tendencies because I think there is no way I will be successful unless my process of doing something is perfectly the same way that it's been my entire life, because that's the only way I've been successful, and the only way I've been successful is showing up on time every time, all the time and making sure that nothing that I can control is off even a percent, which is stressful. I think about perfectionism like that. I didn't think about perfectionism as being not a perfect product, but my perfectionism is in my mind. I feel like if I don't do it this one exact way, that it's not going to be done right. I'm petrified to do it a different way. I'm petrified to be late. I'm the first one there. Ray Mundo is there. He's got to turn the show on. But if everybody like that, you guys, hear of I'm the first one there. I would like to be like some of the other guys I know they do radio on TV that are like whatever the big star as they show up ten minutes before and everybody else has everything taken care of, and they walk in, they got their notes and oh they've planned every bit. No, I can't do that. I would love to do that, I'm not too good to do that. But I feel if I do that, I will not be successful. And it's not even just that. It's why I made my news resolution to try to be late twice to work this year. I've not even been close. I can't. It's that I think, not that I'm going to succeed if I don't do the process perfect, but that if I don't do the process quote perfect, in my mind, that I am going to fail and flame out so hard that I'm going to be back where I started. Whichever version of that it is. I've never thought of myself as a perfectionist because my product is not perfect. I have not even edited this. I have no desire to edit this. There's gonna be gaps. I'm gonna be stumbling, I'm gonna be saying things wrong. My books, like my literal books with a massive publishing company, the biggest in the world, they have typos in them because I wrote. When I wrote, I wrote so wrong that they couldn't even catch all the typos. I'm fine with that. A big part of whatever my brand is has been just go and try it. I would rather there be action and messing up than in action, because at least with action you learn something, But with action you got to show up every time, on time, all the time. And so where my perfectionism, I don't say that is a positive thing, that is not a flex or a brag. Where my perfectionism comes in is I am scared to death that if I don't do it the exact way I've done it my entire life, that I am going to be a loser, a failure and it. And then here's the contradiction. At the same time, I'm like, well, I don't mind failing, I failed so many things, But then why must I maintain this extremely rigorous process that keeps me apparently so stressed out it physically makes me sick and completely fearful. I don't know the answer to that, but I do accept now that I am a perfectionist, and not in the way of I am a perfectionist when it comes to playing the cello, where the notes must be exactly right and you shall enjoy this. I am a perfectionist in an unhealthy way where if the process is not done and what I feel is the perfect way, it is not acceptable, and when it's not acceptable, I will be a complete loser and failure. And you know what, when you say it out loud, it feels ridiculous, and it is ridiculous, But it can't change how I feel in a day or three therapy sessions. But the key to changing anything, if it's whatever I'm whining about here, if it's addiction, even I could talk about my mom or other family members, is acknowledging it is understanding that it exists. That's the key. It doesn't mean you're going to fix it, but you cannot fix it if you don't know about it, if you don't acknowledge it. So I'm trying not to be as much of a perfectionist. Weird to say, because it does feel like a flex, it is not a flex. I did not think I was a perfectionist forever because my product is not perfect. And I would encourage you if you're listening to this, if you have these tendencies that you can't figure out. I had to look at it from a different perspective because if you would have said, oh, you're a perfectionist, it seriously said that there's no way. There's no way. I'd bet all the money in my pocket. I got like eleven bucks in my pocket. Because my product is not perfect. That does not mean I'm not a perfectionist, because it must be done a certain way what I deem perfect in order to be successful, and that also is not true. So it's challenging. I'm not even gonna say beliefs because I didn't even know that I had it. But I know what my belief system is. I didn't even know that I felt this way, but that's what's up. I'm trying to be less of a perfectionist. I'm trying to identify the stresses and stressors that keep me from sleeping and being healthy. I'm very happy I had this conversation because I thought about my grandmother in a way that I haven't in a long time, a very thankful way. I'm never not thankful, but just for a second in this conversation, she existed with me, and that's pretty awesome. I mostly got over years ago feeling guilty that I was born. Mostly that doesn't mean I fully am now, but at least I understand when I struggle with it, and I still feel guilty for being born, I understand I had nothing to do with that I could not control that in any way. And I'm somebody who likes control, because I feel like if I control it, if it doesn't go right, at least I had a chance because I was controlling it. I have no control over it. I had no control over it. I will have no control over it. I can acknowledge that now the same way I can acknowledge that I'm a perfectionist in the worst way. The rest of the podcast that was up today was a rerun, or was it. It was Monday, so it was a new show today. It's a new show today, but we put this podcast up today with it because we only did the single show and then this because I just want to make sure one there's content and too. I didn't even get to the other things I want to talk about. Now I gotta go eat. I want to talk about my chain I've been wearing. I'm not a chain guy. I'm a jewelry guy. One thing about my wife, and there's many things about my wife that I deeply respect. It's her confidence in everybody. It all was rooted in. And I'll be quick because my food's apparently up there. I was doing NFL Honors. It was a television show on Fox with the NFL was presenting an award to George Kittle, the tied end for the forty nine ers, and I was up. I was on television and I was wearing suit but no tie, and I said, man, I feel empty with no tie. My wife said, I don't wear like a chain. I was like, I don't wear jewelry. I like stupid. And she was like, well, you can wear a chain. It'll just give you a slight like a emsy beansy little something and people may not even see it, but they may sit the back of your neck. It'll add just something and maybe it won't, but maybe it will. And I'm like, I don't know. She's like, just swear. Think about my wife. She really believes if you believe you can pull it off, you can pull it off, and if everybody else. So I've had a little it's very small, had a little chain and I've just been wearing it because I appreciate that from her, not even about that TV show, but she lives by it. She's like, it doesn't matter what people think. Oh does this look stupid? Can I pull this off? She's like, do you want to pull it off? Do you like it. Okay, you're pulling it off the end. She's right now. I was gonna do a whole chain thing because I've been wearing a chain a little bit. But nobody's noticed. And that's okay, you have to notice my chain. Gotta go. Hope you guys have a great rest of the day. If if you heard this, if you got to this point, send me a message on Instagram my stories. I appreciate that. I have no idea if you guys are gonna listen for fifty minutes to this. This was not supposed to go this long. Maybe you don't, maybe it won't. Maybe well you won't even notice in me a message, but you can send me a message saying, hey, listen to all fifty minutes like this. Didn't like this, This did not resonate with me. This did resonate with me. That helps me. I do like feedback. So thank you for listening. And I appreciate you guys listening to the show. There are ten million options in fact that you listen with us. That's really awesome, and thank you very much. And that is the end of this one man show. All right bye, everybody,