Poog with Kate Berlant and Jacqueline NovakAligned with a doctor, and finding that the truth is apparent. Son baggage and punishment for the fertile. Griffin Dunne? Frank conversations about identity with medical staff… this is a privilege. Pee before you leave, don’t squeeze the neck. What kind of flower? The mother’s have a knot in their stomach, and the not-mother’s have a knot in their stomach. No one is immune.
Edited and mixed by Allie Graham.
Hi, I'm Kate Berlance.
I'm Jacqueline Novak, And this is poog, an ongoing conversation about wellness between two obsessive friends, two untamable intellects. This is our hobby, This is our hell, This.
Is our naked desire for free products. This is POOG.
Today's topics, loosely speaking, distension one thousand millileters classically haunted.
Hi, coffee, Wow, coming in coughing is great? Well, it is going to be an exciting episode. I'll say off the top, I'm in the throes of my first syndrome, which we'll get to.
But I've already been told to be clear.
If anyone's wondering why I'm not gasping, should I just go right into it?
Fuck? Uh's so funny preface. It was saying I'm so sorry. The coffee will stop or it won't, but I'll deal with it. Oh, I'll prepose it was saying I'm really fine. First of all, your voice don't say that it's almost upsetting. Are you serious?
No, I don't mean like you're like perminally temporary.
It's temporary.
Yeah, No, that's what I mean. I mean like you've been diminished by illness.
Yeah.
Yeah, PA preface all by saying I'm fine. It's funny. I wasn't. I wasn't at first. I thought I was not gonna talk about the sampook for whatever reason. It's a semi loaded subject. But I I did undergo egg freezing as a careerist or right. I'm also, as I've said, I may not have kids. I don't know, but I thought, you know, something I've struggled with for years. I struggle with for years is too dramatic or something I've been like, will I uh, and then you know, put a little savings aside. It is, of course a procedure.
IM Sorry, I'm just not interrupting because I'm loving watching you work through like the money kind of the loaded like nature of the topic, Like were you about to say, like, of course some well to be able.
It is a privilege because it is expensive and it's it's also kind of a funny thing to do when you're also not fully sure if you're gonna have kids, Like if you're like, all, I want our children, Yeah, it makes more sense, but I can't do it yet or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just like I don't know, but you know, I've had. I had the downtime. I was like, I'm just gonna fucking do it. And I was very you know, I already a highly I'm already anxious person, specifically very medically anxious person. I had this like a morphous fear that I would do it and something horrible would happen or or like never recover.
You know.
It's like these like fears out.
Of just I was like, because there's a choice to be made, like do it should I? Or should I not do this? You can't but think like that it's a fork in the road.
Yeah, definitely choices, And like the hormone element is like scary to me, and of course people like it's this thing, and I understand people like don't know what the fuck they're talking about, and they say crazy shit to you, like you know, or it's like like someone like dear friend. A dear friend was like, yeah, you might want to talk to my friend. She said, like freezing your eggs like increases your chances of cancer by forty percent, like and apparently it's true, yeah, forty literally, And I was like, m and then she said, apparently it's true. Oh my friend said this, and apparently it's true, and I was like, well, it fucking can't be true, and like, of course it's not. So it's apparently it's true.
It's funny because we say that a lot, Like people say that, right, and like.
What does it mean?
It means like it's apparent.
Like so it's like and we like regularly say that. It's like literally, like we regularly say it. Almost to me the opposite of.
That, yeah, yeah, totally apparently.
Must mean appearing right, it appears to be true, And.
So I was like, to be true, okay, so you know, and it's not true. And of course it's like whatever. There's a million it's a very it's a loaded topic for a million reasons. And I sort of was like I could see myself not doing it because of some amorphous medical fear that I'll do it, it'll trigger some again, this is all made up, It'll trigger some crazy autome in response, I'll never be the same, and like what did I do? You know, so all these fears and then I kind of in the spirit of like fuck it or something like just do it. And I, you know, it's aligned with a doctor who I'm so.
Sorry, aligned with the aligned with a doctor fundy way with a doctor aligned people say.
No, no, no, that's so funny. I don't know. I went with this doctor who I was like, okay, like some.
Like you know, even let's just take him a second with it, right, Yeah, because nine were on I talked to.
Exactly audition six yeah, five back for the call for the house. Well, just I guess I say aligned with because I got in if you know what I mean, you know.
Yeah, like it wasn't guaranteed they were going to take on your case.
Yeah, really booked up, really booked up. And by the way, it's so funny too, because as soon as I was like okay, I'm doing it, you know, going buying like preatal vitamins, like already treated myself like I'm pregnant, Like hm, anyway, so I go and.
You when you bought the prenatal vitamins like place them down on the counter and then like check the gaze of the person behind the you kind of just yeah, it was.
Like prenatal vitamins, Vitamin D cook ten yeaeah bra And I will say I was walking the aisles kind of like I'm different now with my basket just wait, distributed slightly differently.
I was like, I have.
Kids, wait, but work nights.
Yeah yeah. So and by the way, I'll say when I first the doctor, Joe, but from a million years ago, I have a daughter. Yeah. Well, you know what's something that's crazy that's emerged through all this.
I mean, I couldn't vote or whatever. I couldn't vote. I have a daughter.
Remember I don't.
I love that you remember my act more than I do. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, you're okay. Some I think that's emerged from this. I no longer have an abject fear of having a son. Is that interesting?
Well?
Wait told me what never heard about this having a son? Or you're joking?
I am not joking.
Well, because I've always I've always been like daughter daughter only.
I mean you always say my daughter, you know, and that's just like I always think you're one talking.
About me, you know what I mean?
And then I am but and you're just like not visualizing a son. But you know you don't have to. Who cares, right, No, I've had like sun baggage. I've had like, oh god, have a son, like I've had.
This is it the whole?
Like like what is it?
Actually? I don't know how to raise that.
Yeah, yeah, it's a little bit that. It's a little bit like but but it's just dissolved. It wasn't even like intellectually I came to some new conclusion. It just like changed, Okay, whatever.
But you don't want to speak about why I was loaded, Okay, that's fine, Like you.
Know, no, I think because like I have I know, I have a weird thing and I'm not proud of it. It's like like little boys are like pathetic to me or something. I can't describe it. I'm like, get it together, Like it's like a weird thing. Like I don't like like women fonding over like little boys something about it. I just I've always been like, oh god, yeah, and like women like mother relationship with the sun classically haunted. It's like I've always just been like I don't want to like enter into that dynamic. I don't know, but I realized now I was a fool. The medicine, the medicine and of course, and I'm only going to feel the heal the father run through the sun. But I don't know. But here's all to say the process which I've been writing, of the injections because you're giving yourself some days up to three injections in the abdomen, and I always thought I would have to have someone else. I did them all myself, Like, I mean, I have a loving, supporting, supportive partner, which is part of the reason I was even like wanting to need us to support yourself. Yeah, yeah, I needed that anchor.
But it's true and like anyway, so I mean I actually need to do it to be clear alone in the bottom of a you know, a cave.
Jackline was with Jacqueline was with me the first night of injections or second night, Yeah, no, no, no, sorry, it was one of It was one of the first things I had to mix something. And I'll say this this, I'll say for people considering this, the fear of the injections and the discomfort the injections themselves are fine. I had a lot of hell around. There's a couple you have to mix where it's like you're pulling a needle out and you're like, how the fuck am I expected to do this?
Well, I recall like being like, it's not intravenous, like, so you don't have to be that worried about the bubbles.
Yeah, because there's bubbles.
It's like it's sub cutaneous.
It's scary. But all that was really fine. I'll say I barely had any like mood reaction whatsoever to the hormones. Like I really kind of was myself the last couple of days. I was like bloated and in pain because well, here's the thing. So what I have is ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. I have a mild case, which is still I kind of can't believe this is mild, but it is. But it's not to be a bitch, but it's something that tends to happen when you have a lot of eggs. It is it's like punishment for the fertile. And so I was like very I had no idea my account or anything, but I was kind of surprised or just learning going in like oh, I'm already kind of batting a high average.
Yeah.
And then and my doctor part of the reason I went with her, she's very conservative with hormones. She didn't put me on birth control. She didn't, you know. So I was like, Okay, she's not gonna just pump me full of hormones. Whatever. Did you tell me?
The thing about the birth control they do it so they can play on their vacations.
Yeah, well literally, because oh literally, because I went talk to someone very reputable doctor who's gonna put me on birth control, and I brought this up with my current doctor and she was like, yeah, you know why they do that. And I said why, She's like, because they want to plan the retrievals. They don't want to work on weekends, they don't want to like have I was like, holy shit. So anyway, I kind of was like I'm in the clear, because I will say last couple days, I was very uncomfortable because I was fucking walking around with like buckets of eggs and it's like driving in a car. Was uncomfortable. I was helping big like, I was like, what's going on?
I really tried to refrain it said like barely visible by the human eyes. So I was like, okay, well, it's the ovaries that are so I'm not.
I'm not. I just wanted a visual.
I just no, totally no, no, the eggs myselves.
No, the eggs, the eggs themselves, yeah, the follicles, but the ovaries whatever. So I was uncomfortable. I only had one kind of micro melt on my estrogen of course was through the roof, and like there was one night I kind of had a micro melt down because the other thing with the shots is you have to do that in exactly the same time every night. And then there's this one shot called the trigger shot, terrifying trigger shot, which you have to do exactly thirty six hours before your retrieval, like to the.
Minute, and did that fucking like instruction, who were you like thirty six.
Well, thank god they're telling you everything obviously like you're not up to your But it's the stuff where it's like, okay, here's the shot and it comes in this package and then it's like the packaging is confused and like wait do I take this off? And it's like do not take this off. If you do, the you know, plunger will lock and you will not get them. Like it was just so terrifying, and I had like five minutes and thank god I called the hotline and got someone, but I was like shaking, my teeth were chattering. I was so stressed out and afraid that I was like which I've had I've had are like a couple of times in my life. Yeah, but like like yeah, just involuntary shake.
I can't remember when that's happened to me, and like doing the shot as I'm like involuntarily shaking like wild.
Yeah, it was just so intense. Huge shout out. I've been so lucky because also shout out to Meredith, I love you, who I've been harassing texting her all hours of the night. Thank God. I don't know what I would have done without just constantly like, oh God, like can I cross my legs, like because it's all this stuff, you can't twist your overas, you can't. All you can do is walk like you really can't exercise. You can't take baths, which is devastating. I'm all over the place, but listen. So the point is I was kind of like, Okay, I'm doing well. Retrieval was the day before my birthday, which of course I was like, well, cosmically that makes sense. Very you have to go under, which is like spiring that. I know. Yeah, it's very what you.
To like sort of like require meaning around that.
Yeah, No, I had to so needless to say for like the two weeks basically of injections, You're not you're living a very simple life. You're not having a cocktail you're not having a one milligram gummy. But so I uh, day of the retrieval. You know, they put you under, which I've only been under for my wisdom teeth. Have you been under I think once for something. I think I was half under for my Yeah, and I was nervous going in and it is the thing of like the joke or they come in and they're like, Okay, we're gonna relax you. I was very nervous, sweating, and I was like saying to everyone, I was like, I'm very nervous. You know, I'm very nervous. And and and like the ane sees allog just comes in. I'm like, you know, like he look like Griffin Dunn. No, you know, yeah, we're like he's like not down to chat because they're moving, like they got to move, like he was lovely.
But in the room or a small room.
So they prep you. It looks like whatever. Like when you're prepped and you're in your gown, it's like there's just curtains divide you. It's like a factory.
Yeah yeah. Yeah.
Like there was one other woman who and here's what was well was I heard her being prepped and then I was waiting long enough to the same come back after Yeah, a sense to be the same thing. And she was like wow, like I feel great like and I was like, okay, cool.
So did they give you blue socks?
Yeah, they gave me booties that I were over my socks. Fuck no, but they said, you know, they're like when you come in like no products, no face products, no makeup, no lotions, like nothing, because the oar has to be like sterile anyway, So it did happen where I go in and I just was there and he was like, Okay, we're going to give you something. I was like, I'm very nervous. He's like, we're going to give you something to relax. You'll feel it in a couple of seconds. Oh my, Like instantly, I'm like whoa wow. And then I asked to hold someone's hands, so weird nurse held my head. And then what's funny is I remember it really helped what I remember. I actually had a flash.
I would hate it.
I'd be like oh, I was like, I would be like, yeah, I really wanted to hold someone's hand. And then I actually days later because I was watching something on TV where there was a surgery recalled him saying I'm going to give you oxygen. But I didn't remember at the time. But the point is, you know, I came out and it was like it's done, and here's what's the funniest thing that has maybe ever happened to me.
So and my reaction diminished because I'm realizing I've heard this.
I know. I'm sorry.
I don't know. I can't fake it.
I can't. Don't you know it's not for you, so you already just have to you whatever. Yeah, so ann sa, I'm coming out and by the way, wait sorry yeah.
So it was like you're gonna feel listening to it and like I'm giving you some oxygen.
It's like you did great.
Yeah, literally, it's like immediately, unimaginable, just immediate great. Did you did great? Oh wow? They're wheel me back. They go great job.
I open my eyes and I go, I'm gay.
Keep going, keep going, and then we can go. So then the nurse there's like a nurse maybe too, and they're like, oh, like okay, like and then and then and then I go, you're all amazing. And then I remember saying this is a privilege. No, no, no, this is a privilege.
What do you think that was coming out of this is a pretty that was coming out of my guilt of like doing this as like a rich bitch thing. And two of them specifically where you like, I'm imagining that you were feeling like these nurses can't afford this ship in a nurse's salary. They're hating me, and I stream about that. I'm aware or or it's like Eddie Redmaind.
Yeah, yeah, it's just it was Eddie Redmaind.
You know, the good nurse.
Oh, the good nurse. Hey, no, the nurses. Everyone was so lovely like like but yeah, I don't know exactly what it was. But I also was feeling that truly like there was a privileged thing because I have That's why, Like I was like, this is outrageous that I can do this, Like science is shocking, Like my mother couldn't do this, my grandmother, you know. I just like this is fucking cool. Like now I'm like full science go like everyone's you know, like surrogates or whatever. I'm like, yeah, who fucking cares, freeze my putting a surrogate b on the treadmill, you know, Like I don't know, I'm sort of like you start out.
You start out like a career of staremaster use like you just like you just you should tell b flex and a staremaster, following up with a treadmill for just direct unidirectional hammering of the same muscle groups.
The dream. Wait, so I come out, I go, I'm gay. And then when I start laughing a couple I started laughing because I was like if I like, it's it's very kind of.
Cloudy, right right.
But I was like, but I'm not fucking, I'm not exaggly. I just wonder if they were loud basically like the first thing, Wow, No, I just like, like, it's even than I think. Then I went, well, you know what I mean, like, yeah, I don't know. It was just kind of like a conversation. And then and then it's even worse. And then and then this is again right no, no, and then I said something like, well, you know, I'm maybe fluid, so so no, no, yeah, it's even worse, searching their eyes for like for uh, yeah, I don't know. And here's what's funny. I I held back saying like I think, Josh hartne it's gorgeous because I had thought about it. Yeah, I thought I was saying it something like, but Josh Hartnett walked in here. I mean, no one's from you, so pathetic. So anyway, so then.
You remember the joke in the chamber.
Ever, so I was starting to become conscious enough to have something in the chamber and say don't let it out. So then my my doctor came in and she was like, we did great, my doctor.
The way cap ber Lance says my doctor is so specific. Really you just love the word doctor. I love a doctor. All right, yeah, there is my doctors.
So so and then she came in and she was like, we did great, like you know, she's giving me some stats. And then I go, I'm gay and okay, so again, so she's coming in now, I say together to her. She goes just kind of like nice smile. She goes, I know, you know she's met my partner, like she knows my life.
Like I love like the She's like, I know, I love how doctors Like when you have that moment where you're like, oh, they're doing this all day, I'm not the first like a sort of like it's it's human, it's.
It's it's simultaneously comforting and also well it's just like but no, it's it's ultimately comforting. It's like, no, they're just they are doing these this is getting your your your oil change.
Yeah.
I was apparently more sensitive to to the anesthesia, meaning I was groggier, longer, whatever. So I'll just say that what.
You would be.
And they gave me the tiniest dose of just the tiniest half dose.
I still felt it through the room.
No.
Then they go, so are you in pain? And I was like, I did, have like cramps, nothing severe, but it was like uncomfortable. I was like, yeah, it hurts. They were like, okay, well we'll give you some fentanyl and I go, whoa, whoa, I go fentanyl. So she goes, it's just a little amount, and I go, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, I'm very I was like, I really don't take like pain medication, like that just makes me nervous. Starts like, of course, whatever you want, and then I was like is that common? Do most people do it? She would say oh. Over She's like I would say over ninety percent of people take it. And I go, oh okay. She goes, you know if you're not, if you're not, and then I go and I start reasoning with her. I'm like, yeah, I mean if I don't, why would I be in pain if I don't have to be. And then I kind don and then the doctor kind of comes in and is like, are you in pain? Whatever? The fentanyl discussion, and I go, you know, fentanyl is just kind of scary, and she goes, this is good fentanyl, or she didn't say that, but she said something. She didn't say, this is good fentanyl. She was like sure, but like this is a hospital, you know. She's like, yeah, this isn't And I go, hey, hey, I know you've got top shelf fentanyl. H Her nurse is laughing in the background. No, no, that's killing the recovery.
And you realize, by the way, every joke that had failed already, you thought they went awing because they were dational because I wasn't firing god that stuff.
Yeah. So then I go, hell, yeah, give it to me. She gives it to me. Pains relieve, but I'm not high. It's a small amount whatever. Eventually I go, so here's I'll say. The beginning of kind of like what became shitty for me was that, you know, they want you to pee before you leave because the anesthesia slows down. It's terrifying. Anesthesia, like paralyze is basically your whole body essentially right, so you're all your functioning like stops, so it slows down. You're like, so people, they want you to pee before you leave, and I'm already super pia shy to the point that like, yeah, and Jacklin has incredible you told that story on BO you might have to do it. I think you're gonna have to do it again. But because you comforted me with this, but I'm already pe shy. There was like years, years and years ago I was on the medication I had to take like these p tests you're in test. I'd be like hanging out the doctor's epointment for hours, like in the hallway, like still here downing water. Couldn't do it because of the pressure. So I'm there at the hospital, I'm like, uh, I can't peeve. I'm very pe shy, and they're like, okay, we're gonna let you go. I get home feeling okay.
I start down thinking and obsessing about the peeing At this point.
No, no, I'm not even really thinking about it because also, you know, you can't have liquids or anything for a long time before the surgery, so I had I was like, I don't even have them, an it's fluid in me. I peed before the surgery, like whatever. So I'm home, I start downing electrolytes. So I'm drinking out of my out of my sippy cup I've got I've got you can hear her, Oh, right there, I've got electrolytes. I'm drinking broth okay, and I go, I'm just going to force the fluids. So after drinking quite a lot, I go, oh, I'm gonna go try to pee now I am. So it's like the urge to pee suddenly is like oh my god, because I'm realizing, oh, I just down like two liters of water easily, and you're feeling are you feeling the pea, feeling the full bladder, press.
Desperate to pe, desperate to pee, and I cannot almost like I can barely. No.
No, it's deemply anxiety provoking. And I was like, okay, okay. So I start I'm like, Kate, really, I start talking to myself. I'm like, You're okay, You're okay. All you gotta do is pee. It's fine. Everything went, well, you're fine, just relax. Nothing. Imagine having to pee like you're on a road trip, you're dying, you have to pee so bad and you're sitting on a toilet and you can't be And it was like I get in the shower. I'm like, I'm like, just piss in the shower. No, It's it's so upsetting nothing and I'm like, uh.
And are you just thinking about like what is peeing like?
You know, like okay, no, I started go to YouTube.
I go to YouTube, I get a peeing meditation. I'm listening to a peeing meditation like thing. I'm like okay. So then I basically talked to my doctor and it's like it's been it had been eight hours because it before surgery, and she was like, you have to come in right now. So then I have to drive across town like a bouncing I am. It is the most uncomfortable experience I've ever had. I am thank god God without my loving partner. Also, like they're able to still make me laugh and I'm like screaming, like stop making me laugh because it hurts so bad. But it's really sweet. I'm pounding a courage bagel shout out they got me because I was like, what do you want after surgery? I was like, postami, salmon, courage bagel. I down a courage bagels I haven't eaten yet, like real crazy bagel institution. Oh my god, yeah, we gonna need you to get you across town immediately. It's the best big experience. So I'm meeting the bagel, meeting the bagel. I'm in agony and I don't cry until we get to the actual building and i can hardly walk at all, and I'm doubled over and as tears just start streaming because it's just like where are they? I need a wheelchair. That'll bring me wheelchair, but it's taking too long, and I'm just like, they get me upstairs. It's my nurse from earlier who I loved shoutut to Jasmine, like and I'm crying, like crying, and she's like I see us all time. She's like, I deal with you know. I'm in the labor room whatever it's called. Like, I'm in the delivery room. And she's like, I see pregnant women like sobbing from this, like it's so uncomfortable, so terrible. They will me and they're going to give me a catheter. I'm literally and like meanwhile, I'd been there that morning, Like it was like I'm fucking back here, Thank god Naomi could be with me. I was like crying on the table, gripping them their shoulders, like squeezing so hard. They made me laugh because they were like squeeze me, just like, don't squeeze my neck, which really made me laugh. Hurts so much laugh exactly, just st yeah. But the point is insertion of the catheter. Didn't love it, but it was nothing compared to the pain I was in. And then I just start they're just draining your fucking bladder, and I'll say this, the nurse was like, wow, no wonder you were so uncomfortable. Drained a thousand milli leaders out of my body. She came in with like two little buckets and was like I got I got a third.
Like it was like, yeah, this is one of my favorite things in medicine, okay, which is yeah, and it was fun like when you were giving me the stats okay, because it was like it's like I have this thing about I think it's funny like this like nineteen stitches, okay, seven stitches.
The numbers are really.
Latch on, yes, stitch and then report them around town like like with an intensity, and like I could feel it, like like I was almost like you're like a thousand milli leaders, and I almost felt like there's a bold assertion, but like do you actually have a reference for what a thousand milli leaders is in your head?
Okay?
Is it not that much? Or no?
No, I don't write you're repeating a number that you heard like basically the nurse commune Kate with tone was was way too much and with extra buckets, right, It's like yeah, So then you got in the world and you go like a thousand milli leaders and then it's like almost like those who know No, it's like it's like it's like this funny thing where it's like like you're like a thousand millileaters and like you know, like a few like sweeps down, free scrolls down and the like text later it's like a thousand milli leaders.
You know, detail comes in again. I politely.
There was well because she held up the bag of piss and I was like, yeah, wow.
And but give she gives you.
What I'm saying is like she's she's given you the the empowerment of this data piece.
Then you can go home with you tell others. Yeah, it'll almost be like you know how much that is?
Right?
Piss like because I start repeating it not knowing really what it means. Yeah, there's only another doctor who I told it to and she was like, holy shit, but like that's a wayman feel I didn't even understand.
Yeah, did you feel satisfied the other doctor? This is what I'm trying to say. There's a satisfy action of like the good stats, the you know, like my shit was really fucked up.
No, I was vindicated by the other doctor reaction.
Sorry, I know this is not like a compelling observational humor like to you at this moment that I'm like hooked on, but you know what I mean, Like, sorry for the interruption.
No, No, I'm now of course self conscious. I went from being like I'm never going to discuss this on poop to doing a forensic play by play.
Oh you're suddenly self conscious right now?
Yeah?
Wait?
Was it due to my analysis?
No, nothing happen to do with you. Oh okay, So anyway, so I feel like I always say this, and I'll just say and then I talked for forty five minutes, but I'll just say got home unfortunately immediately, so I got o HSS, you can look it up. Affects some people who get who go through this shit. And the main my main symptom is being crazy bloating. When you bloating, like abdominal dissension.
Like it already fates it four.
Months pregnant, like it's crazy, like like walking has been very difficult for days, and it affects your breathing. That's why I'm coughing, and why because there's so much fucking fluid in my abdomen that it's like pressing on like it just fucks you some nausea whatever. But the main thing is like the fucking psycho distension, and the breathing thing was what I woke up on a night like panicking because I was like I can't fucking get a full breath, which I've never experienced. So it's alarming but also comforting to be like that is a symptom. And yeah, so I've been today, maybe today's day four, maybe slightly less bloating, but like walking yesterday, I've been it's like hurts to walk, like you just can't do shit.
Should we discuss the like the photo thing, like.
Oh yeah, yeah, because like yeah.
Whenever people are like I was so bloated, I was four months pregnant, and like but you know like if you take a deep breath, you can like achieve that.
Yeah, of course, you know what I mean.
Yeah, it's almost like and then so you'd sent me one picture which was you know, from from looking down in angle. It's almost like one of those photos that like your feet are are like these minuscule little fan like coming out from kind of like perfect it's like my toes popping out. They look microscopic. It's like a globe of the stomach. And then like I'm like yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm like that's the fucking shit. Whatever I see it, I'm like, holy shit.
Whatever.
Then later you send me or like maybe it was two days later, I don't know, you send me like a side shot in the mirror, like underwear and T shirt held up right, and I'm staring at it, going okay, okay, okay, am I supposed to what is my reactions? But am I supposed to be looking at this much better? You're so bloated? Or and so I go, I can be free with you obviously, and it's not like it's a vanity thing, you know what I mean. But I was just like, is this a is this a big improvement? You know, like and you're like no, you know. And then and then I was like this photos. I go like, this photo is not the.
One You're so funny, You're you're like like like some one to send from sympathy. I was like, that's because I only ascended to you. I was like, correct, doesn't show.
Yeah, don't go live with this one.
No, it looks like like and then I drew a picture for you of what it looked like.
It just like you know, model it it's eats hamburger.
Yeah yeah, yeah it wasn't. It wasn't showing the the extreme element. But yeah, it's it's like today's day four. I've been trying to stay you know. Of course, been a couple of Reddit threads that have been helpful because but everyone you know it is. By the way, I don't want to scare Here's the thing. I don't regret doing it yet. We'll see how the next week pans out. But I don't want to scare anyone. But I think also people should know if you have a large amount of follicles and you get a lot of eggs retrieved. I can definitely set you up for this and it's not something that you can't just get through, but like it.
Fucking except they won't know until they do it.
No, you know how many follicles you have about going in before you do the procedure, Like I was at risk for it for sure because I had such a hyperolical count.
Yeah right right, No, No, I was just okay, that's what I was like. But I think and again I'm not but they're already in the doctors doing a process.
Like they're already in the process of doing it.
You know what I'm saying, like someone who has not gotten any of it checked out, Like I'm just like someone sitting around like like whatever doesn't matter. I'm just talking about like the warning that you're giving me.
I was just saying, you could go in if you're like, oh, I think I want to freeze my eggs. First of all, you can go in on your fucking period and get ultrasound and see how many follicles you have, which will give you an idea of how many you know and so, and then you could talk to your doctor and go, do you think I'm at risk for developing WHSSS.
I wonder if well it might even empower people who were freaked out by that. They're like, it'll feel like I'm on an episode of Poog.
Yeah, exactly, get a little bloated. It's fine. I mean, that's the thing. There's been Like yesterday morning, I woke up, Yeah, esterday, I woke up like sobbing. I'm not sobbing. I woke up crying because it was like the breathing, not being able to breathe so upsetting, and like not being able to fucking move basically, And I'm on this other medication. Now I'm on I'm on additional injections to bring down my esrogen, and I'm on this other medication which makes you woozy at night. So it's like I woke up the middle of the night, drops you blood pressure, and I felt like I was going to pass out, and I couldn't breathe and I couldn't move, And I was like, cool, glad that you're not even sure you want kids, you fucking psycho. But now I was like, well, now I literally have to have three to justify the process. But oh and then also I was telling you, Jacqueline, because you have to sign this form like if you die, like what do you want to have happened with your eggs? And my first instinct was like concinerate them or whatever, send them out into the ocean. But now I'm like, no, no, no, like spread them around, like if any of my friends want my eggs like a whalem yeah, which which yea might sound like there's an angle where that sounds like ecocentric or something like you want yourself to And of course I'm it's I'm also choking, but I'm a little bit like I feel why not? And then Jacqueaine, how the gen?
I know? I think you feel like you hold like like you went into the mountains and you.
Hauled like a treasure.
Yeah, and you realize like you've got like a lot or more than i'd have to, like you know, yeah, by the way, huge you just want to say, like best friends, this is like this is what friendship is. Obviously I'm going to say it, but like you know, like You're like I'm doing I'm freezing my eggs this week, and I'm like I'm like immediate, I go immediate pit in my stomach of panic?
Should I do it too?
I know?
I love you?
That is you go like you were like I was like, I have the not in my stomach.
You're like, of course, okay, and you go the mothers have a not the not mothers have a not. Yeah exactly, but the mothers have a not in their stomach. The not mothers have a not in their stomach. And I was like, and I go, like, you know, in the entire like child old list woman, you know, woman with child dichotomy.
Oh my god.
I was like sitting there going like like like wait, the mothers have a not. Yea, the mothers have a not, like you know, like a decision the other wife.
Hearn't always no, I mean, and this is what Yeah, because I've and for a long time I was like rejecting. I was like, I'm not going to fucking have kids, and like, and I continue to have a huge amount of course rage. The propaganda is like shocking and alarming for women to have children. It's just like absolutely deafening, and it's almost impossible to touch him with what you actually might fucking want yourself. So but yeah, you know, every inside, every yes is a no. Inside every No, it's a yes, you know it's like but then I sort of h.
Yeah, said as though it was a common expression. Well even Jaqueline Novc's never heard of it. But like the way I want merch, okay, I want merch of what that will save lives?
Yeah, yeah, I don't know.
Worry in their stomach only not mothers have an not in their stomach. That is like that will save lives.
I think I think so, And that that's it's like a broader thing of just like because I tend to endlessly ruminate, and you could argue, oh, freezing the eggs it continues the rumination, but it actually feels like, no, it's in a direction of like, yeah, it doesn't I don't know, because I was ruminating about it.
I don't see it that way. I see it as the opposite. Yeah, yeah, you just you put the shit aside.
Well it's I know I've said this, but it's my it's from the Sopranos for God who said it. But it's more as lost by indecision than the wrong decision, right, And I like think about that because yeah, it's like just fucking make a choice. Just step in whichever direction.
Well, if you did that for a week, there was some woman I have like read books about this, like for a week. I mean, I'm posing this strategy because I can't imagine. I'm like too afraid. I'd be afraid to do it for three hours. What if like every decision you made in like three seconds, so that would mean arbitrary yea often every decision for a week, let's say, yeah, like I'd literally be scared to like commit to that for the next like three hours.
Totally.
Can you imagine what your life would be like? No, that's an experiment we're trying.
And I do think like I again, because I do have the medical paranoia and the fear. It's like, okay, cool, I guess there's something interesting about feeling like the last two days, I've never felt more alien in my body. It's like insane, and it's really hard not to think something is like wrong because of the pain and the discomfort, and it's like, yeah, wait, is this just what my life is now? But it's like yeah, and by the way, it fucking lasts, Like my doctor was just kind of like yeah, like maybe you'll feel better in a week. My god, you know, like it's not just like, yeah, in two days, you'll you know, yeah, But but I.
I was excited. I was excited by I mean because I know you. I just so I was just like like right off the bat, I was like, finally a medical issue, like the hypochondriac whatever.
I was like here in the eye of the storm, like totally yourself. Now.
It's like, you know, it's the classic thing, but no, no, there is good in a They're good in.
The christ you know, you're fine, Yeah, just fucking doing it.
Yeah, just doing it. And it's kind of like, oh, it's just like I will be okay. I fucking can't wait to feel better. But even today's better. Like there's no way I could have recorded the last couple of days. But my you know, the breathing's improved and whatever.
You know.
I control myself from pitching it like you in massive discomfort, like lying on your back with the thing. I was like, I control myself and being like, could be a good jenalism.
You could always you could always pitch it. I'm drinking. I have I'm drinking, just mainlining the other thing that sucks about it, and for anyone going through it, I'm with you, but hearing but like you can't. You're so fucking distended and bloated, like bloated, it's not even the right word. It's like again, loaded is uncomfortable.
Distension.
Distension is the word. Yeah, distension, Like you need to say distension. Have people like for a moment be confused. Yeah, and like and then go like I'm almost feeling well, no, you know you need to see you need to be like plurisy or whatever the fuck it is, you know, like the fluid or maybe that's in the lungs or something, but like fluid in the cavity. Yeah, oh that that's you'll get the response.
You're no, no, loaded, like floaded when people hear breathing like I'm coughing, not because I have a cough, I'm coughing because it's like there's fluid in my abducte gallowy like pushing up and oh but I'll say this, this fucking rules. My doctor was like ghosts the morning then the night of my surgery procedure, she was like, you need to go see this acupuncturist tomorrow morning.
Wait hold on before you see excited. I remember you just being like surgery tomorrow. And I was like almost was gonna be like interesting, Like I feel like the language I've heard around that thing is we're like procedure. Like I kind of didn't process that they were going to put you out. Yeah, I kind of thought like, but she's sitting up and just like a needle goes into like the belly and they're just like they're just.
Like yeah, nope, you're out. You're spread and they're in your pussy, they're up and through. Yeah, I'll just say I want to go do acupuncture. This woman's amazing. I have to say, like I don't just say okay, So I go to this acupuncturists. She fucking I mean, it's cool, I gotta say. She lays me on the table. By the way, this was the morning after the procedure. I felt good. I was like right, like I felt like I'm okay, like sure, unbloated, but it like had not hit yet at all.
The cartoon character like gets hit and then walks, walks, walks, and it's.
Like oh fine, yeah, yeah exactly exactly. So I lay on the table. She I'm not fucking kidding, like touches my hand and goes, there's fluid in your lungs like touches my hand and I was like, I was like huh. And then she's like barely she runs her fingers delicately, like between my knees and my ankle, like barely, and she's like left side congestion. And I was like, yeah, I get migraines on my left side during when I was during the process, my left side was killing me because my uterus is tilted to the left. Anybody wants to know, like, so I had like I was like yeah, and she's just like yeah, like you're spleening your liver all this stuff, Da da da. She goes, you're ambitious, you think too much. I was like, holy shit. She sticks the needles in me and she goes to leave, and I go, okay. I was like this one kind of hurts. She moves it, and I started to talk. She goes, don't think, and she just kind of like walks out. She's like stop thinking, and I was like, huh. She's like picture of flower opening and closing in your abdomen. I was like, okay, she leaves. She leaves with that like she just leaves, she just leaves. She's like press this button if you you know what Yeah, she's read, she said red. I proceed to like relax in a way I haven't in ten thousand years, full almost dream state. Well I did fall asleep, but then yeah, like it was cool.
Is there any risk with those needles falling asleep rolling over?
No, even if you did, they're barely in how though, Like they're just right, They're like they're hardly under the skin. It's like so delicate, they're so thin. But she did give me these herbs this like tea to make, and it's really difficult to ingest. I'm having a really hard time with it.
But anyway, you know how when people like talk about like a gross tea or something like that, you kind of think like it's just like not gonna taste good or something like it's.
Going to be exactly bad.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, like they're like it's gross, like it's not tasty.
Things that are so gross.
No, No, I brushed it off. I was like, I can tolerate anything. She said it in the went in the front, was like it is very like strong. I was like, oh, I'll be fine. I'm like I was like, I was like, it's not gonna bother me because it's like six ounces. It's not very much. It's as dark as coffee darker.
Yeah, and it's like I don't even have the words nausea inducing.
Right one day I gagged and was not just for five hours after, Like right now you're reminding me, like, I guess I have to do it today, Like I fucking might not be able to.
I'm not anything.
So you can't mix it with anything because that like, no, you can't mix it. You can't put anything to do it empty stomach. I imagine, no on food, I think because it's so strong. Okay, what about I have an idea. I wonder if this would work. You freeze it into pebbled ice cubes that you swallow.
Oh god dear, how might be kind of fucking genius. Wait you mean like you take the little ice cubes like a pill.
Yeah, like so like the flavors like well one even if it's like you know, I don't know, it just goes down like a little pebble ice cube. I mean, I mean the body would immediately melt it right in the stomach and there you go. Frozen blueberries better than a fresh one.
I really wonder, I really wonder. Oh my god, Well, I should go because this is the most I've talked in days. It's a bit when you're a star. Thank you, You've been my first Singer're.
Proud of you.
I've been impressed with you. I was so happy for you finally have a syndrome.
And then oh, then I texted you this is funny because today I was like, Okay, I'm gonna go out today, I'm gonna like force myself to walk a little more. And I put on a face product. My face instantly turns bright red and I literally am like, who am I fucking job? I'm like God punishing me. And then because my greatest fear is being becoming like Julian more unsafe, Like my greatest fear is becoming alerted to the world or like everything's poison and you're just and so I'm like, is this the beginning of me becoming like.
Or I can't Okay, we get tackled that if that happened to you, okay, And I'm putting in quotes to not like lock it in your mind. Yeah, like the fear of that happening is the thing to get.
Rid of because totally.
Okay, Well, I'm not suggesting that anyone Okay, I actually have to go, but I love you, Thank you, I love you.
Bye bye. That was pood. If you enjoyed Poop, please subscribe, rate and review.
If not, we will press charges.
Poop is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players.
And iHeartRadio Podcasts.
Created and hosted by Cape Berlin and Jacqueline Novak.
Executive produced by Libra Smith, edited by Ali Graham, music by theta Hamil, artwork by Robert Baby.
Follow Poog on Instagram at Poog podcast, or on TikTok at this is Poog.
