Looking for a last-minute idea to impress your valentine? Don’t follow the lead of anyone in this episode! Today we’re celebrating nine of history’s most over-the-top expressions of love… and the epic ways they failed. Raise a glass to the man who surprised his wife with an ancient monument, the legendary political figure whose way with words didn’t prevent him from getting rejected, the Hollywood stars with big diamonds and even bigger problems, and more. 

If you have a great (or so-bad-it’s-great) Valentine’s Day gift story, tell us about it on Instagram @parttimegenius.

[Pictured: Catherine the Great, and someone who was NOT the man who gave her a very very fancy diamond.]