I was drugged and just like missing for like seven hours. I didn't want to find out what happened. I want revenge, peace, calling everything to everyone. It's real rapping a bit. I was shamed for so many years for being so hyper emotional and crying so much and like getting angry so fast. I just am so afraid to celebrate myself and then be like clapped in the face. I don't want that. I value like being very true to how you feel, whether that's a good feeling or not.

I was drugged and just like missing for like seven hours. I didn't want to find out what happened. I want revenge, peace, calling everything to everyone. It's real rapping a bit. I was shamed for so many years for being so hyper emotional and crying so much and like getting angry so fast. I just am so afraid to celebrate myself and then be like clapped in the face. I don't want that. I value like being very true to how you feel, whether that's a good feeling or not.

That's powerful. Before we jump into this episode, I'd like to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews that will help you become happier, healthier, and more healed. All I want you to do is click on the subscribe button. I love your support. It's incredible to see all your comments, and we're just getting started. I can't wait to go on this journey with you. Thank you so much for subscribing. It means the world to me. The best selling authoring the post the number one healthy well inness podcast On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that keep coming back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now you know that the conversations we want to have on this platform are conversations with the heart and soul, conversations of the mind, conversations that help us become better, live better, evolve, understand our authentic selves and share that journey with our friends. And today's guest is someone who I believe has been on a roller coaster of a journey and trying to navigate that and manage that with grace and with contentment in a way that I'm excited to explore today and get curious about. Today's guest is Renee Rap and she knew she was born to perform ever since she was a kid. Renee's career took off when she landed the coveted role of Regina George in the Tony nominated Mean Girls Musical on Broadway. Shortly after, Renee found widespread recognition and praise from the likes of Harper's Bizarre and The Hollywood Reporter for her performance as Lie on the HBO Max series The Sex Lives of College Girls, Big Fan over Here. Renee then turned her attention back to music, sharing her threadbare insecurities on her debut single Tattoos, and the multi hyphene entire debut headline tour sold out in a matter of minutes. Her inspiring single too Well has impacted the top forty and Renee's discography has amassed over two one hundred million streams and counting. And today we're talking about her new work, which I can't wait to dive into. Renee, Welcome to the show.

That's powerful. Before we jump into this episode, I'd like to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews that will help you become happier, healthier, and more healed. All I want you to do is click on the subscribe button. I love your support. It's incredible to see all your comments, and we're just getting started. I can't wait to go on this journey with you. Thank you so much for subscribing. It means the world to me. The best selling authoring the post the number one healthy well inness podcast On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that keep coming back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now you know that the conversations we want to have on this platform are conversations with the heart and soul, conversations of the mind, conversations that help us become better, live better, evolve, understand our authentic selves and share that journey with our friends. And today's guest is someone who I believe has been on a roller coaster of a journey and trying to navigate that and manage that with grace and with contentment in a way that I'm excited to explore today and get curious about. Today's guest is Renee Rap and she knew she was born to perform ever since she was a kid. Renee's career took off when she landed the coveted role of Regina George in the Tony nominated Mean Girls Musical on Broadway. Shortly after, Renee found widespread recognition and praise from the likes of Harper's Bizarre and The Hollywood Reporter for her performance as Lie on the HBO Max series The Sex Lives of College Girls, Big Fan over Here. Renee then turned her attention back to music, sharing her threadbare insecurities on her debut single Tattoos, and the multi hyphene entire debut headline tour sold out in a matter of minutes. Her inspiring single too Well has impacted the top forty and Renee's discography has amassed over two one hundred million streams and counting. And today we're talking about her new work, which I can't wait to dive into. Renee, Welcome to the show.

Thanks thanks for having me.

Thanks thanks for having me.

Honestly, I feel like you've been through so much change, so many, you know, career paths, And then I was like, yeah, you're so young as well, and I was like, Wow, it's so much that you've been through. And I guess my first question is how do you feel about where you've landed now?

Honestly, I feel like you've been through so much change, so many, you know, career paths, And then I was like, yeah, you're so young as well, and I was like, Wow, it's so much that you've been through. And I guess my first question is how do you feel about where you've landed now?

Like?

Like?

Who is the Renee today? What version of this is you? How are you feeling?

Who is the Renee today? What version of this is you? How are you feeling?

Yeah, my manager and I were just talking about this in the car. Every couple months, I get into this new wave of like where like something really settles in where I'm like a new level or I feel like personally I'm at a new level, or I'm at like a different level of visibility. Typically in the past, it's felt really good right now, to be honest, it feels very scary in like a lot of ways, just like in a I'm really aware of myself all of a sudden, So I love the changes. I feel very grateful right now for everything I've done, and hopefully knock on wood or whatever, continue to do. But the new, the new, the newness and the new levels when they come it, they didn't knocks me. It knocks me.

Yeah, my manager and I were just talking about this in the car. Every couple months, I get into this new wave of like where like something really settles in where I'm like a new level or I feel like personally I'm at a new level, or I'm at like a different level of visibility. Typically in the past, it's felt really good right now, to be honest, it feels very scary in like a lot of ways, just like in a I'm really aware of myself all of a sudden, So I love the changes. I feel very grateful right now for everything I've done, and hopefully knock on wood or whatever, continue to do. But the new, the new, the newness and the new levels when they come it, they didn't knocks me. It knocks me.

What's scary.

What's scary.

I am becoming much more aware of how people perceive me and whether that's good or bad or in between. I feel some kind of way about it, and I'm trying to like let that go really bad. I'm trying really really hard. It's not been working. Like we had like a bunch of like stuff come out this morning about like the album, and granted this is all fairly good news, but I like immediately just started having such an anxiety attack because I was like, oh, I just don't want anybody to ever speak about me again, which is exactly why I'm here today and exactly why I keep doing this. Yeah, it's a weird thing. I don't know, I don't know. It's interesting. It's never really sat with me before in that way. Like this really hit me about a week ago where I was like, oh, I've actually chosen to have a very visible life. Just really hit me, to be honest.

I am becoming much more aware of how people perceive me and whether that's good or bad or in between. I feel some kind of way about it, and I'm trying to like let that go really bad. I'm trying really really hard. It's not been working. Like we had like a bunch of like stuff come out this morning about like the album, and granted this is all fairly good news, but I like immediately just started having such an anxiety attack because I was like, oh, I just don't want anybody to ever speak about me again, which is exactly why I'm here today and exactly why I keep doing this. Yeah, it's a weird thing. I don't know, I don't know. It's interesting. It's never really sat with me before in that way. Like this really hit me about a week ago where I was like, oh, I've actually chosen to have a very visible life. Just really hit me, to be honest.

Yeah, okay, yeah, in my own small way, I can relate to that as well.

Yeah, okay, yeah, in my own small way, I can relate to that as well.

It's the same thing. Though.

It's the same thing. Though.

What's really interesting is I think from the outside in, yeah, a level up looks quite at least from the way I perceive it my sperience. Sure, I think from the outside in most people's careers, level up look very orchestrated and manufactured, when in reality they're a lot more organic. Yeah, and they're a lot more natural.

What's really interesting is I think from the outside in, yeah, a level up looks quite at least from the way I perceive it my sperience. Sure, I think from the outside in most people's careers, level up look very orchestrated and manufactured, when in reality they're a lot more organic. Yeah, and they're a lot more natural.

I think so. I think so, especially like especially of course, I'm such like an internet rat, Like I really have to get better about like not reading everything. I'm so bad at that. I like commend people who are good at being like, I'm gonna turn my phone off and not take this to heart. I cannot do that. I care so much and I gotta let that go. But I I definitely feel that way because I read things sometimes again, and I shouldn't be reading, but that are so interesting to me. Like somebody somebody the other day called me an industry plant, and I was like, oh, I wish I was an industry plant. I was like, that would be amazing. I was like, that'd be iconic. I was like, if like my father was like some like industry mogul, that would be lovely. He went into like medical sales, like he didn't help me out like that, you know. So yeah, it's always it's always interesting thing, and I find it really silly and funny.

I think so. I think so, especially like especially of course, I'm such like an internet rat, Like I really have to get better about like not reading everything. I'm so bad at that. I like commend people who are good at being like, I'm gonna turn my phone off and not take this to heart. I cannot do that. I care so much and I gotta let that go. But I I definitely feel that way because I read things sometimes again, and I shouldn't be reading, but that are so interesting to me. Like somebody somebody the other day called me an industry plant, and I was like, oh, I wish I was an industry plant. I was like, that would be amazing. I was like, that'd be iconic. I was like, if like my father was like some like industry mogul, that would be lovely. He went into like medical sales, like he didn't help me out like that, you know. So yeah, it's always it's always interesting thing, and I find it really silly and funny.

But yeah, yeah, and then it must be hard. I mean, obviously, I think everyone's seen it, the video where you sadly have a stalker coming up to you and Drew on set on stage. Yeah, and then it's almost like looks like you've been notified and you kind of see it coming, and then you're protecting Drew. Like I mean, like, when you have moments like that happen, does that almost make you feel more vulnerable and susceptible?

But yeah, yeah, and then it must be hard. I mean, obviously, I think everyone's seen it, the video where you sadly have a stalker coming up to you and Drew on set on stage. Yeah, and then it's almost like looks like you've been notified and you kind of see it coming, and then you're protecting Drew. Like I mean, like, when you have moments like that happen, does that almost make you feel more vulnerable and susceptible?

Or I feel like, even to say it out loud, it sounds so silly and so like woe is me? But I really was so weirded out by that whole thing. And I that's not to say that like it shouldn't be. I just like, I don't know, she's such a ge and she's such a pro and sadly has probably had that happen her entire life. I've never been in situations where that has happened to myself, luckily, or anybody around me. That was so scary because I understand I don't know, like you never he had like a bag on him, and I was like, Okay, I just don't know where this could go. Also, I'm I live in fight or flight just by the nature of having so much anxiety. So like when you see me like twitch in that video and like go, it's like half of like a I'm like a pretty like transparent person. Like if somebody like scares me, you're gonna know. And also be like that was so jarring for me. But yeah, I don't know. I've just never been through anything like that before. To me, I'm like, I know it sounds very well as me and silly, but it did scare the hell at me.

Or I feel like, even to say it out loud, it sounds so silly and so like woe is me? But I really was so weirded out by that whole thing. And I that's not to say that like it shouldn't be. I just like, I don't know, she's such a ge and she's such a pro and sadly has probably had that happen her entire life. I've never been in situations where that has happened to myself, luckily, or anybody around me. That was so scary because I understand I don't know, like you never he had like a bag on him, and I was like, Okay, I just don't know where this could go. Also, I'm I live in fight or flight just by the nature of having so much anxiety. So like when you see me like twitch in that video and like go, it's like half of like a I'm like a pretty like transparent person. Like if somebody like scares me, you're gonna know. And also be like that was so jarring for me. But yeah, I don't know. I've just never been through anything like that before. To me, I'm like, I know it sounds very well as me and silly, but it did scare the hell at me.

Yeah. No, it was very weird, fully understandable. I'm glad that you know it didn't go any further than it did. Same and yeah, it's always worrying. Again. I think it's the unpredictability of it. I was reading a study that was saying that humans would rather know one hundred percent that a bad thing's going to happen as opposed to have a fifty to fifty chance of it happening or not happening.

Yeah. No, it was very weird, fully understandable. I'm glad that you know it didn't go any further than it did. Same and yeah, it's always worrying. Again. I think it's the unpredictability of it. I was reading a study that was saying that humans would rather know one hundred percent that a bad thing's going to happen as opposed to have a fifty to fifty chance of it happening or not happening.

Oh my god, yeah, probably.

Oh my god, yeah, probably.

Right, Like we would rather know that something bad's gonna happen rather than live in this world of like it could or it couldn't. Yeah, like that uncertainty. You've been doing this for a long time. What parts of your anxiety have you got better at dealing with? And what bonds of anxiety are like still just flaring on?

Right, Like we would rather know that something bad's gonna happen rather than live in this world of like it could or it couldn't. Yeah, like that uncertainty. You've been doing this for a long time. What parts of your anxiety have you got better at dealing with? And what bonds of anxiety are like still just flaring on?

Well, it's funny because I think that I I get what you're saying, because one hundred percent of my decision making happens before I do something like this morning, right, like when like chart data or things are coming out about like the album, before anything was even posted, published out there or whatever, I had already made the assumption and was already like, Okay, people are going to be upset about this. This is going to be not real, and I've already decided that it's bad before it happens, so that I've I can prepare myself to at least not be so disappointed. So I definitely do that.

Well, it's funny because I think that I I get what you're saying, because one hundred percent of my decision making happens before I do something like this morning, right, like when like chart data or things are coming out about like the album, before anything was even posted, published out there or whatever, I had already made the assumption and was already like, Okay, people are going to be upset about this. This is going to be not real, and I've already decided that it's bad before it happens, so that I've I can prepare myself to at least not be so disappointed. So I definitely do that.

Does that help?

Does that help?

I actually don't know. I don't know because for everyone around me like all they say is like we really want you to enjoy things, and like we want you to be having fun and we want you to be able to celebrate yourself. I just am so afraid to celebrate myself and then be like slapped in the face. I don't want that. I would I don't know, and I don't know if it's not great to say. I would rather live in a state of like just like chilling and like hope that nothing horrific happens, but be prepared if it does. I don't know what's better or worse. I'm not sure.

I actually don't know. I don't know because for everyone around me like all they say is like we really want you to enjoy things, and like we want you to be having fun and we want you to be able to celebrate yourself. I just am so afraid to celebrate myself and then be like slapped in the face. I don't want that. I would I don't know, and I don't know if it's not great to say. I would rather live in a state of like just like chilling and like hope that nothing horrific happens, but be prepared if it does. I don't know what's better or worse. I'm not sure.

No, I don't think there is. I just wanted to know, right, No.

No, I don't think there is. I just wanted to know, right, No.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, don't get me wrong, I would love to endoy things a little bit more. I'm not really there right now. I still, I think have like the same anxieties as what I started. It's just more that I'm much more aware of how I'm perceived now.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, don't get me wrong, I would love to endoy things a little bit more. I'm not really there right now. I still, I think have like the same anxieties as what I started. It's just more that I'm much more aware of how I'm perceived now.

And you feel before you just weren't aware, and so yeah, I.

And you feel before you just weren't aware, and so yeah, I.

Just kind of was like, oh, this is me, I'm so out here and don't care and whatever. I also was just so hungry to do this and to be doing music that it was just like run for it. And now I kind of feel like that I'm embarking on whatever music looks like in my life. I'm much more nervous about it, maybe just because I'm in it and experiencing it. But it's definitely we it's definitely weird.

Just kind of was like, oh, this is me, I'm so out here and don't care and whatever. I also was just so hungry to do this and to be doing music that it was just like run for it. And now I kind of feel like that I'm embarking on whatever music looks like in my life. I'm much more nervous about it, maybe just because I'm in it and experiencing it. But it's definitely we it's definitely weird.

Do you have to do you have to turn down the outside noise when you're creating and when you're making And are you able to do that or is it just so hot?

Do you have to do you have to turn down the outside noise when you're creating and when you're making And are you able to do that or is it just so hot?

And it's not something that I really think of when I'm creating. It's something I think of when I'm acting. I'm more so thinking about like for me, like do I feel like I'm doing the best I possibly can. I'm so hypercritical of myself when I'm writing that I'm not even worried about another person because I don't even have the space in my brain to think about someone else's opinion, if that makes sense, which I guess is nice.

And it's not something that I really think of when I'm creating. It's something I think of when I'm acting. I'm more so thinking about like for me, like do I feel like I'm doing the best I possibly can. I'm so hypercritical of myself when I'm writing that I'm not even worried about another person because I don't even have the space in my brain to think about someone else's opinion, if that makes sense, which I guess is nice.

Yeah, it sounds great, it sounds good to me.

Yeah, it sounds great, it sounds good to me.

It's a little nicer. Yeah, it's bad when I write like a really bad song though, because when I write a bad song, like my like worst critic is myself, and it's like.

It's a little nicer. Yeah, it's bad when I write like a really bad song though, because when I write a bad song, like my like worst critic is myself, and it's like.

What's what's the thought you think you repeat the most.

What's what's the thought you think you repeat the most.

At those times, I will never write another good song again. It goes to that extreme, Oh my god in two seconds, and that everybody around me is lying to me, and that everybody who is kind enough to work with me and put their time and energy toward things that I really want for my career, And how sweet that is that they're all making ginormous mistakes and this is all a leap of faith that they've taken that they're going to regret. Immediately jump into that totally, And.

At those times, I will never write another good song again. It goes to that extreme, Oh my god in two seconds, and that everybody around me is lying to me, and that everybody who is kind enough to work with me and put their time and energy toward things that I really want for my career, And how sweet that is that they're all making ginormous mistakes and this is all a leap of faith that they've taken that they're going to regret. Immediately jump into that totally, And.

Then how long would you sit in that?

Then how long would you sit in that?

For a long time? A long time Like this morning again good things were happening, and I was just like in my head, I'm just like, they're all lying to me. I'm like, there's no way, mind you, these are people who I trust and love and who are giving up time out of their lives to work toward a goal that I really want so deeply, Like these are lovely people. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. But yeah, I'd sit in that all the time.

For a long time? A long time Like this morning again good things were happening, and I was just like in my head, I'm just like, they're all lying to me. I'm like, there's no way, mind you, these are people who I trust and love and who are giving up time out of their lives to work toward a goal that I really want so deeply, Like these are lovely people. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. But yeah, I'd sit in that all the time.

And then what gets you out of it?

And then what gets you out of it?

I just keep going like resilience and also just I want it so bad, and I also I want to succeed for myself. But I also really want to like prove to everybody who is working with me or who believes in me, or even like consume is my music from two seconds of a song to like listen to everything I put out, Like I want to do well for those people. So I don't know, maybe like drive things like that. Yeah, fear of failure really motivates me. I love her.

I just keep going like resilience and also just I want it so bad, and I also I want to succeed for myself. But I also really want to like prove to everybody who is working with me or who believes in me, or even like consume is my music from two seconds of a song to like listen to everything I put out, Like I want to do well for those people. So I don't know, maybe like drive things like that. Yeah, fear of failure really motivates me. I love her.

Do All of these characters in your head have names and voices and hes and his and their.

Do All of these characters in your head have names and voices and hes and his and their.

My God, they're all They're all. They're all me. They're just all different versions of me. Like the like fear of failure is like me as like a kid, I think because I like, I used to set like such obnoxious goals for myself as a child, like and it would keep changing. I would be like, if I'm not Beyonce by the time I'm eighteen, I have failed. Wow, insane And it used to be things like that I used to be and when I was really really little, I'd be like, if I am not on Disney Channel by the time that I am thirteen, I might as well just end it all. Like they were just such chicks, extreme things. So there are just all different versions of myself that just kind of coexists or lack thereof. They don't have that.

My God, they're all They're all. They're all me. They're just all different versions of me. Like the like fear of failure is like me as like a kid, I think because I like, I used to set like such obnoxious goals for myself as a child, like and it would keep changing. I would be like, if I'm not Beyonce by the time I'm eighteen, I have failed. Wow, insane And it used to be things like that I used to be and when I was really really little, I'd be like, if I am not on Disney Channel by the time that I am thirteen, I might as well just end it all. Like they were just such chicks, extreme things. So there are just all different versions of myself that just kind of coexists or lack thereof. They don't have that.

And do you find yourself still repeating those audacious goals even now or oh.

And do you find yourself still repeating those audacious goals even now or oh.

My god, every day, yeah, every day, and they're they're let's be clear, there are things that I'm not necessarily proud of, Like no.

My god, every day, yeah, every day, and they're they're let's be clear, there are things that I'm not necessarily proud of, Like no.

I get that, Yeah, yeah, okay, fabulous, because sometimes I like say something and I'll be like no, no, no, that's not how I like feel.

I get that, Yeah, yeah, okay, fabulous, because sometimes I like say something and I'll be like no, no, no, that's not how I like feel.

That is what I think now, like this morning, like these are great things that are happening, okay, and like we had like a top ten like debut album and everybody's like this is amazing, and in my brain, I was like I could have done better. Like all I could think of in my head was like I could have done better. And I cried and I like beat myself up, and then I like kind of came to and was like, oh no, this is actually like very exciting, and then I would like go back down again. You know the movie Talladaya Nights. Yeah, of course, if you ain't first your last, Like that's all I think of in my brain, which is so silly and so stupid, and I wish I didn't feel that way, but I really do, I really do.

That is what I think now, like this morning, like these are great things that are happening, okay, and like we had like a top ten like debut album and everybody's like this is amazing, and in my brain, I was like I could have done better. Like all I could think of in my head was like I could have done better. And I cried and I like beat myself up, and then I like kind of came to and was like, oh no, this is actually like very exciting, and then I would like go back down again. You know the movie Talladaya Nights. Yeah, of course, if you ain't first your last, Like that's all I think of in my brain, which is so silly and so stupid, and I wish I didn't feel that way, but I really do, I really do.

No hearing you explain it and I want to clarify what I was reaffirming with you. Was Hearing you explain it is a really good breakdown of how I think so many of us think totally so hearing you articulated with so much clarity. Yeah, I'm listening going. I know there are times and I think exactly the same way as that, and I know everyone who's listening again in their own way are thinking the same thing. And we all know how deabilitating that is. Because now number two is the same as ninety nine, Yes, and it makes no difference. And by the way, ninety nine is great, but ninety nine is not, you know we're looking at. So it just keeps going, and it's it's a perpetual cycle, which can be so paralyzing insane.

No hearing you explain it and I want to clarify what I was reaffirming with you. Was Hearing you explain it is a really good breakdown of how I think so many of us think totally so hearing you articulated with so much clarity. Yeah, I'm listening going. I know there are times and I think exactly the same way as that, and I know everyone who's listening again in their own way are thinking the same thing. And we all know how deabilitating that is. Because now number two is the same as ninety nine, Yes, and it makes no difference. And by the way, ninety nine is great, but ninety nine is not, you know we're looking at. So it just keeps going, and it's it's a perpetual cycle, which can be so paralyzing insane.

I also would never hold someone else to the standard that I hold myself, and I'm very aware of that. It doesn't change how I feel, sadly, but I I never in my life would say to somebody if they're like, my debut album debuted it fivey six hundred whatever, I'd be like, that is amazing, what an incredible amount of work, blood, sweat and tears you and so many other people around you have put into this, and this is an accomplishment that you should celebrate for years and years on end and believe every single word of that. For myself, I'm like, could have done better, I should have done more. I'm just immediately like what should I have done better? Which is silly. Yeah, but it is kind of like a human thing, I guess.

I also would never hold someone else to the standard that I hold myself, and I'm very aware of that. It doesn't change how I feel, sadly, but I I never in my life would say to somebody if they're like, my debut album debuted it fivey six hundred whatever, I'd be like, that is amazing, what an incredible amount of work, blood, sweat and tears you and so many other people around you have put into this, and this is an accomplishment that you should celebrate for years and years on end and believe every single word of that. For myself, I'm like, could have done better, I should have done more. I'm just immediately like what should I have done better? Which is silly. Yeah, but it is kind of like a human thing, I guess.

Yeah, And I think it's that almost. It's interesting, isn't. It's like that's the same mindset that will make you improve and get better, but it's the same mindset that can slow you down. And yeah, brain you it is.

Yeah, And I think it's that almost. It's interesting, isn't. It's like that's the same mindset that will make you improve and get better, but it's the same mindset that can slow you down. And yeah, brain you it is.

It is also the life set that I have been like praised for by like adult figures in my life since I was very young.

It is also the life set that I have been like praised for by like adult figures in my life since I was very young.

That's where it comes from.

That's where it comes from.

Oh my god, absolutely absolutely, Like I don't blame anyone or think this is like a negative thing that somebody, you know, put in my brain, but I do always think of it like I used to like finish like basketball games or like any sort of competitive thing that I would do, whether it was like sports or like some like showcase for like singing, and like my first like comment from like my parents, who I love and who are so supportive. But my first comment from my parents would be like, Okay, what could you have done better? Even if I would have like crushed and so like that is honestly my thought every single time, which in a way is really great because I'm always like trying to make myself better and also they hold myself accountable for places that I slipped up, could have done more, didn't do enough. Yeah, But then also it becomes this thing where you just like beat yourself up for every little, like tiny place you could have had a little celebratory moment and congratulations internally that you then don't have. Yeah, very weird.

Oh my god, absolutely absolutely, Like I don't blame anyone or think this is like a negative thing that somebody, you know, put in my brain, but I do always think of it like I used to like finish like basketball games or like any sort of competitive thing that I would do, whether it was like sports or like some like showcase for like singing, and like my first like comment from like my parents, who I love and who are so supportive. But my first comment from my parents would be like, Okay, what could you have done better? Even if I would have like crushed and so like that is honestly my thought every single time, which in a way is really great because I'm always like trying to make myself better and also they hold myself accountable for places that I slipped up, could have done more, didn't do enough. Yeah, But then also it becomes this thing where you just like beat yourself up for every little, like tiny place you could have had a little celebratory moment and congratulations internally that you then don't have. Yeah, very weird.

It's almost like taking that question if all of us were first asked, what did you do great?

It's almost like taking that question if all of us were first asked, what did you do great?

Well?

Well?

Could you have done that up?

Could you have done that up?

I got to be great?

I got to be great?

Like it just positions it so differently. If someone said to you, what did you do great? And you, as a kid were like, I think I did this right, and I think I got this right, and I think I did this right. Now you celebrate. You've got a moment what you were just saying earlier, You've had a moment to celebrate and know yourself and know that you've won and that you're powerful and great, and then it's like, okay, well what could you have done better? And now it's like okay, now I.

Like it just positions it so differently. If someone said to you, what did you do great? And you, as a kid were like, I think I did this right, and I think I got this right, and I think I did this right. Now you celebrate. You've got a moment what you were just saying earlier, You've had a moment to celebrate and know yourself and know that you've won and that you're powerful and great, and then it's like, okay, well what could you have done better? And now it's like okay, now I.

Have absolutely have a balance exactly.

Have absolutely have a balance exactly.

Whereas if you don't have the what you did great, you only have the critical judgmental questioning.

Whereas if you don't have the what you did great, you only have the critical judgmental questioning.

Oh my god. When I first started doing therapy, I was twenty, so this is like maybe three years ago now three and a half years ago. And I will never forget like they would. Therapists would like ask me. They'd be like, Okay, what is something you like about yourself? Or what is something you're proud of that you do? And I could not, for years, like answer that question at all. I would just start sobbing every single time. Every single time. I was just like I cannot top on my myself in any sort of the way, which sucks. So how about now I can? I can I do a better job of it now? I love the people in my life really really hard, very glad. Yeah that's beautiful.

Oh my god. When I first started doing therapy, I was twenty, so this is like maybe three years ago now three and a half years ago. And I will never forget like they would. Therapists would like ask me. They'd be like, Okay, what is something you like about yourself? Or what is something you're proud of that you do? And I could not, for years, like answer that question at all. I would just start sobbing every single time. Every single time. I was just like I cannot top on my myself in any sort of the way, which sucks. So how about now I can? I can I do a better job of it now? I love the people in my life really really hard, very glad. Yeah that's beautiful.

Yeah you found it. Yes, No, and you've attracted.

Yeah you found it. Yes, No, and you've attracted.

Them yeah yeah, theyed you.

Them yeah yeah, theyed you.

Yeah. It's a two way thing. It's like run around you because they love you and believe in you and you're around them because you love them and believe in them. That's that's special. And you know, I'm gonna definitely miss you on Sex Lives of College Girls like your characters awesome for me and my wife watched the show all the time and absolutely loved it. What you were just talking about earlier, like acting was actually a space that made you feel a lot more like anxious and everything? Was that the reason to switch over or what was it for you that made you go, you know what, I need to step away?

Yeah. It's a two way thing. It's like run around you because they love you and believe in you and you're around them because you love them and believe in them. That's that's special. And you know, I'm gonna definitely miss you on Sex Lives of College Girls like your characters awesome for me and my wife watched the show all the time and absolutely loved it. What you were just talking about earlier, like acting was actually a space that made you feel a lot more like anxious and everything? Was that the reason to switch over or what was it for you that made you go, you know what, I need to step away?

No, I mean to be honest, like I inevitably like one day, I'm like very excited to talk about it. I can't say a ton about it being with the sack strike. That being said, acting to me was always just so scary. It was just so scary. It was just something I had no confidence in and thought I was just so so so terrible at. It was something that came later on in my life, at least to this point, later on in my life, I was like eighteen nineteen that I just didn't think I could do and it became like a really amazing opportunity to get people's attention, to pay attention to me to do music, which I didn't feel like I was getting when I was younger, or at least it was harder for me too. But I just really really wanted attention musically, and I wanted to like get signed and do like the whole thing. And when acting became a conduit for that, I just was like, well, Okay, I guess I got to do this. I would be silly not to do that.

No, I mean to be honest, like I inevitably like one day, I'm like very excited to talk about it. I can't say a ton about it being with the sack strike. That being said, acting to me was always just so scary. It was just so scary. It was just something I had no confidence in and thought I was just so so so terrible at. It was something that came later on in my life, at least to this point, later on in my life, I was like eighteen nineteen that I just didn't think I could do and it became like a really amazing opportunity to get people's attention, to pay attention to me to do music, which I didn't feel like I was getting when I was younger, or at least it was harder for me too. But I just really really wanted attention musically, and I wanted to like get signed and do like the whole thing. And when acting became a conduit for that, I just was like, well, Okay, I guess I got to do this. I would be silly not to do that.

Yeah, I still.

Yeah, I still.

Felt so so incredibly insecure around it. I just was like, I cannot do this. I was like, I'm gonna get fired from any job that I have when it comes to acting. So it's something I've developed a love for now. Later on. Actors are so so so thoughtful, so thoughtful, and so like careful and articulate, and like you really have to like rid yourself of like the judgment, and I struggle so so hard with that. So it's it's just something that I was always so insecure about.

Felt so so incredibly insecure around it. I just was like, I cannot do this. I was like, I'm gonna get fired from any job that I have when it comes to acting. So it's something I've developed a love for now. Later on. Actors are so so so thoughtful, so thoughtful, and so like careful and articulate, and like you really have to like rid yourself of like the judgment, and I struggle so so hard with that. So it's it's just something that I was always so insecure about.

That's actually a really powerful lesson though, Yeah, And I'm glad you shared that detail because most of us have one goal and we think there's one path to it, yeah, and we're just walking in that direction, and often that door doesn't open at a certain age, at a certain time at a certain point in life. Yeah, but we don't realize that a pivot at that point doing something that you were even massively uncomfortable with.

That's actually a really powerful lesson though, Yeah, And I'm glad you shared that detail because most of us have one goal and we think there's one path to it, yeah, and we're just walking in that direction, and often that door doesn't open at a certain age, at a certain time at a certain point in life. Yeah, but we don't realize that a pivot at that point doing something that you were even massively uncomfortable with.

Oh my god, so uncomfortable.

Oh my god, so uncomfortable.

But that's actually helped and been a productive and proactive use of time as an investment in what you really want to do, which I love that as a life lesson. Like, that's incredible, That's huge.

But that's actually helped and been a productive and proactive use of time as an investment in what you really want to do, which I love that as a life lesson. Like, that's incredible, That's huge.

Yeah. No, it's been the best I've like not only like in a career since have I grown so much and learned so much and been able to work with really incredible people. I've also like met like my best friends in the whole wide world, like my best friend in the planet I met on TV show Ohliyah, And you know, so it's like it's it's given me a lot, and it's been like a really really big catalyst for my music career. And that is not at all lost on me.

Yeah. No, it's been the best I've like not only like in a career since have I grown so much and learned so much and been able to work with really incredible people. I've also like met like my best friends in the whole wide world, like my best friend in the planet I met on TV show Ohliyah, And you know, so it's like it's it's given me a lot, and it's been like a really really big catalyst for my music career. And that is not at all lost on me.

That's fantastic. What's been your most difficult insecurity to channel in music? Like, what's been the hardest thing to actually communicate and express? And why do you think that is?

That's fantastic. What's been your most difficult insecurity to channel in music? Like, what's been the hardest thing to actually communicate and express? And why do you think that is?

It's interesting. I feel like I expressed most of my insecurities and things that I think, yeah, pretty well. And it's pretty.

It's interesting. I feel like I expressed most of my insecurities and things that I think, yeah, pretty well. And it's pretty.

Openly absolutely no, I think you do totally.

Openly absolutely no, I think you do totally.

But even though I do, I still constantly feel like I'm so not communicating anything, well anything at all, even though I know I do that, you know, like that is the entire basis of like my songwriting is like exactly how I feel and like letting that go again, whether it be something I'm like proud of this thought and opinion I have, or whether it's something that I'm not proud of, but at the end of the day, that is how I feel, and that is my art and that is the reason why I put it out there. Whatever, I still judge every inch of it so harshly, like I cannot let it go. Like I wrote like a bunch of songs on my album and I'm really like proud of the things that I said and like proud of the place that it comes from. And then I'll panic about having written it and be like, oh my god, I shouldn't have said that was so stupid, Like I was just like sending the wrong like message or something, or am I, you know, going against everything I believe in? And then I'm like, no, that is actually just like how I felt in that moment and like, not everything I say is like Bible and like how you should live your life? Please God don't. But like I don't know. I communicate it all and I'm proud of how I do, but I don't let that just be like that just never exists. So I can over communicate as much as humanly possible and still be incredibly insecure about what I'm saying or like how it is received.

But even though I do, I still constantly feel like I'm so not communicating anything, well anything at all, even though I know I do that, you know, like that is the entire basis of like my songwriting is like exactly how I feel and like letting that go again, whether it be something I'm like proud of this thought and opinion I have, or whether it's something that I'm not proud of, but at the end of the day, that is how I feel, and that is my art and that is the reason why I put it out there. Whatever, I still judge every inch of it so harshly, like I cannot let it go. Like I wrote like a bunch of songs on my album and I'm really like proud of the things that I said and like proud of the place that it comes from. And then I'll panic about having written it and be like, oh my god, I shouldn't have said that was so stupid, Like I was just like sending the wrong like message or something, or am I, you know, going against everything I believe in? And then I'm like, no, that is actually just like how I felt in that moment and like, not everything I say is like Bible and like how you should live your life? Please God don't. But like I don't know. I communicate it all and I'm proud of how I do, but I don't let that just be like that just never exists. So I can over communicate as much as humanly possible and still be incredibly insecure about what I'm saying or like how it is received.

Absolutely, I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there. And even if you don't love tea, if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling sodas that are good for you, listen to this RADI and I poured our hearts into creating Juny Sparkling Tea with adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing your body, and with every sip you'll experience calmness of mind, a refreshing vitality, and the burst of brightness to your day. Juni is infused with adaptogens that are amazing natural substances that act like superheroes for your body to help you adapt to stress and find balance in your busy life. Our super five blend of these powerful ingredients include green tea, ushwaganda, acirolla cherry, and Lion's made mushroom. And these may help boost your metabolism, give you a natural kick of caffeine, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and stimulate brain function even better. Juni has zero sugar and only five calories per can. We believe in nurturing and energizing your body while enjoying a truly delicious and refreshing drink. So visit Drinkjuni dot com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code on Purpose to receive fifteen percent off your first order. That's drink Jauni dot com and make sure you use the code on purpose with you for a few moments. I really feel like when you do describe what anxiety feels like. A lot of the time, when people talk about anxiety, it sounds like here, or it sounds like here, the chest is title, they feel uncomfortable. But when I hear you speak about it, you speak about it from here, which really helps because it's kind of like making sense. There was one lyric that stood out that I wanted to share with you. I'll make it through the winter. If it kills me, I can make it faster. If I hurry, I'll angel in the snow until I'm worthy. But if it kills me. I tried if it kills me, And when I was there was a couple of lines in there that I wanted to kind of break down with you if that's okay. Yeah, So one was I'll make it through the winter if it kills me, and I was like, when do you feel like you're most in winter? Like when does it feel the coldest?

Absolutely, I couldn't be more excited to share something truly special with all you tea lovers out there. And even if you don't love tea, if you love refreshing, rejuvenating, refueling sodas that are good for you, listen to this RADI and I poured our hearts into creating Juny Sparkling Tea with adaptogens for you because we believe in nurturing your body, and with every sip you'll experience calmness of mind, a refreshing vitality, and the burst of brightness to your day. Juni is infused with adaptogens that are amazing natural substances that act like superheroes for your body to help you adapt to stress and find balance in your busy life. Our super five blend of these powerful ingredients include green tea, ushwaganda, acirolla cherry, and Lion's made mushroom. And these may help boost your metabolism, give you a natural kick of caffeine, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants, and stimulate brain function even better. Juni has zero sugar and only five calories per can. We believe in nurturing and energizing your body while enjoying a truly delicious and refreshing drink. So visit Drinkjuni dot com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code on Purpose to receive fifteen percent off your first order. That's drink Jauni dot com and make sure you use the code on purpose with you for a few moments. I really feel like when you do describe what anxiety feels like. A lot of the time, when people talk about anxiety, it sounds like here, or it sounds like here, the chest is title, they feel uncomfortable. But when I hear you speak about it, you speak about it from here, which really helps because it's kind of like making sense. There was one lyric that stood out that I wanted to share with you. I'll make it through the winter. If it kills me, I can make it faster. If I hurry, I'll angel in the snow until I'm worthy. But if it kills me. I tried if it kills me, And when I was there was a couple of lines in there that I wanted to kind of break down with you if that's okay. Yeah, So one was I'll make it through the winter if it kills me, and I was like, when do you feel like you're most in winter? Like when does it feel the coldest?

In the moments of me getting so riled up and so panicked and freaked out about my career, my family, being a good friend, like when I'm just like really really really really really I don't know, just coming for myself, to be honest, I never feel like I'm gonna like stop, Like I just always feel resilient in a stick way, honestly, in a way that has really really really helped me. But it's crazy. Sometimes I think about it and I'm very confused, Like I genuinely don't know where it comes from or like what it is. But like I could be having the worst day of my life and I would still be like, yeah, this sucks, and like this is the worst day of my life. And I feel like a terrible person, and I feel like I've done something really, really horrible, and I'm still not going to stop what I'm doing, not that behavior. I guess like I'm still not going to stop, like making music or doing the thing that I love. And it's silly now in retrospect, because I get like your kids, you say dumb things, but like I would like post these singing videos online when I was in high school, and like all these girls would like go on Twitter and like say how terrible of the singer I was, and how I was just so silly and I looked stupid. And I remember that so so well, and I remember really hurting my feelings. But at the same time, I still kept posting videos. It wasn't like it didn't hurt my feelings, but I was like, you're not gonna stop me from doing the thing that I love to do and that I want to do. So winter is always but winter is resilient, and so angels as a whole. It's just full of resilience.

In the moments of me getting so riled up and so panicked and freaked out about my career, my family, being a good friend, like when I'm just like really really really really really I don't know, just coming for myself, to be honest, I never feel like I'm gonna like stop, Like I just always feel resilient in a stick way, honestly, in a way that has really really really helped me. But it's crazy. Sometimes I think about it and I'm very confused, Like I genuinely don't know where it comes from or like what it is. But like I could be having the worst day of my life and I would still be like, yeah, this sucks, and like this is the worst day of my life. And I feel like a terrible person, and I feel like I've done something really, really horrible, and I'm still not going to stop what I'm doing, not that behavior. I guess like I'm still not going to stop, like making music or doing the thing that I love. And it's silly now in retrospect, because I get like your kids, you say dumb things, but like I would like post these singing videos online when I was in high school, and like all these girls would like go on Twitter and like say how terrible of the singer I was, and how I was just so silly and I looked stupid. And I remember that so so well, and I remember really hurting my feelings. But at the same time, I still kept posting videos. It wasn't like it didn't hurt my feelings, but I was like, you're not gonna stop me from doing the thing that I love to do and that I want to do. So winter is always but winter is resilient, and so angels as a whole. It's just full of resilience.

Absolutely. What makes you feel worthy now.

Absolutely. What makes you feel worthy now.

I feel worthy when the people around me are happy, which I guess is something inherently that's like, oh that sucks. Like I should feel worthy when I feel good about myself, but I really do at this point in my life, I feel I feel worthy when people around me are happy and proud of me. If I feel like the people around me are happy and proud of me and they're okay, then I feel okay. And that goes for like are like kind of like community and like fandom too, Like if they like things and they feel good, then I feel good. And if they don't, then I don't feel good, which sucks. I know that's something I have to inevitably work on and find some sort of equilibrium to like be balanced and stuff. But right now it's really just like it sucks, but it's when other people are proud of me, then I am proud of myself. I don't do well finding that internally, which is not ideal, but it is like what it is right now.

I feel worthy when the people around me are happy, which I guess is something inherently that's like, oh that sucks. Like I should feel worthy when I feel good about myself, but I really do at this point in my life, I feel I feel worthy when people around me are happy and proud of me. If I feel like the people around me are happy and proud of me and they're okay, then I feel okay. And that goes for like are like kind of like community and like fandom too, Like if they like things and they feel good, then I feel good. And if they don't, then I don't feel good, which sucks. I know that's something I have to inevitably work on and find some sort of equilibrium to like be balanced and stuff. But right now it's really just like it sucks, but it's when other people are proud of me, then I am proud of myself. I don't do well finding that internally, which is not ideal, but it is like what it is right now.

Yeah. Yeah, and starting from where you are is the only thing you can do. So yeah, being honest about that and knowing where it's at absolutely And it's interesting both times. Even earlier when we were like, you know, what are you proud that you have around you? You were like yeah, the people.

Yeah. Yeah, and starting from where you are is the only thing you can do. So yeah, being honest about that and knowing where it's at absolutely And it's interesting both times. Even earlier when we were like, you know, what are you proud that you have around you? You were like yeah, the people.

No, it really doesn't go like any.

No, it really doesn't go like any.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, And there's something beautiful in that. It's the idea that what makes you worthy is that those people choose to be in your life because they see you as worthy. Absolutely and that and it's like if you can just connect that. But it's a good Yeah, but it takes a while. It takes a while for all of us. We've all been conditioned. Whether it's everyone around me matters, every around me doesn't matter, like whichever way we are, we're all at some end of that spectrum. Yes, what are the experiences in your life that you think have made you become resilient? Like when did that? When did you start to look at your life though I've been through a lot of tough stuff.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, And there's something beautiful in that. It's the idea that what makes you worthy is that those people choose to be in your life because they see you as worthy. Absolutely and that and it's like if you can just connect that. But it's a good Yeah, but it takes a while. It takes a while for all of us. We've all been conditioned. Whether it's everyone around me matters, every around me doesn't matter, like whichever way we are, we're all at some end of that spectrum. Yes, what are the experiences in your life that you think have made you become resilient? Like when did that? When did you start to look at your life though I've been through a lot of tough stuff.

Yeah, and that's.

Yeah, and that's.

Built of resilience. What were some of those events or what was the moment that you felt made you resilient.

Built of resilience. What were some of those events or what was the moment that you felt made you resilient.

Yeah, it's interesting. Whenever I start to like again like compliment or like like pat myself on the back in any sense of the word, I get so like my immediate response, to be frank was to be like, well, I've had it very easy and and I'm good, and don't be wrong, haven't many many ways. But I think that I feel like my resilience comes from like two different things. A Like things that I actually go through, be things that like how I speak to myself. I'm very resilient when it comes to how I speak to myself. Like if I had the inner monologue that I have that was from another human being, oh my gosh, Like that would suck. That would suck. But for whatever reason, I keep pushing through and keep going. And that doesn't really change that much, but I keep going. But like situations like, for instance, like so snow Angel, which was like the single of this album and it's not like the album title and everything, is something that I've like talked about for months really just being like, Okay, this is a situation that happened to me, and this is something that like I'll eventually talk about. But like I want you to like have the song, sit with the song, interpret it in the way that you need, and feel like it can like sit on you so that you have it because like the situation of that song A is something that I pray and doesn't not something legit that everybody can relate to in the sense that I went through it which I'm very glad about, but like that was a huge moment of resilience for me, and even writing the song, I feel like was resilience, and then in a way, holding back from then talking about it for a couple of months was resilience. So it shows up in my life in a lot of different ways, but for that specifically, it was January, maybe late January, early February of twenty twenty two, and I had just gone through like a breakup and it was really tough, and it was like the first time I had ever been really in love with someone and then experienced like a breakup. And I had always I had been in relationships back to back for like five years, so my later teen years were all that. And so at this point I'm twenty two and I started like having like freedom in my life kind of for the first time. And I was living here in la and I was like hanging out in a new group of people and they were like they were partiers, and they like really sent it, really sent it. I had heard from like my family and like my friends around me that like this isn't really like a good group. We don't think for you, and that's not to say that these are bad people, because I don't I don't believe that. I think that people can do bad things and so be good people sometimes so a couple of them. But I was in this group of friends and we were just like sending it. And it was the first time in my life where I wasn't working. I was fresh out of this relationship. I was just going there. And I think that I had always had to like really like nail myself to the ground, and I had always been just so incredibly nervous, and for the first time, I just like didn't and I like really let my judgment go when it came to the people that were around me.

Yeah, it's interesting. Whenever I start to like again like compliment or like like pat myself on the back in any sense of the word, I get so like my immediate response, to be frank was to be like, well, I've had it very easy and and I'm good, and don't be wrong, haven't many many ways. But I think that I feel like my resilience comes from like two different things. A Like things that I actually go through, be things that like how I speak to myself. I'm very resilient when it comes to how I speak to myself. Like if I had the inner monologue that I have that was from another human being, oh my gosh, Like that would suck. That would suck. But for whatever reason, I keep pushing through and keep going. And that doesn't really change that much, but I keep going. But like situations like, for instance, like so snow Angel, which was like the single of this album and it's not like the album title and everything, is something that I've like talked about for months really just being like, Okay, this is a situation that happened to me, and this is something that like I'll eventually talk about. But like I want you to like have the song, sit with the song, interpret it in the way that you need, and feel like it can like sit on you so that you have it because like the situation of that song A is something that I pray and doesn't not something legit that everybody can relate to in the sense that I went through it which I'm very glad about, but like that was a huge moment of resilience for me, and even writing the song, I feel like was resilience, and then in a way, holding back from then talking about it for a couple of months was resilience. So it shows up in my life in a lot of different ways, but for that specifically, it was January, maybe late January, early February of twenty twenty two, and I had just gone through like a breakup and it was really tough, and it was like the first time I had ever been really in love with someone and then experienced like a breakup. And I had always I had been in relationships back to back for like five years, so my later teen years were all that. And so at this point I'm twenty two and I started like having like freedom in my life kind of for the first time. And I was living here in la and I was like hanging out in a new group of people and they were like they were partiers, and they like really sent it, really sent it. I had heard from like my family and like my friends around me that like this isn't really like a good group. We don't think for you, and that's not to say that these are bad people, because I don't I don't believe that. I think that people can do bad things and so be good people sometimes so a couple of them. But I was in this group of friends and we were just like sending it. And it was the first time in my life where I wasn't working. I was fresh out of this relationship. I was just going there. And I think that I had always had to like really like nail myself to the ground, and I had always been just so incredibly nervous, and for the first time, I just like didn't and I like really let my judgment go when it came to the people that were around me.

And.

And.

We were all out and it was just situation after a situation where they were just not trustworthy. And then like the next thing you knew, I was face up, like laying down in like a bathroom stall in a hotel bar, just waking up like five in the morning, like completely alone. And I woke up and I was like I was just so confused, and I had like blood on my pants and I was really just like so caught off guard, and I like looked down. I had my phone and my purse and I looked down and I was completely alone in a bathroom stall, and I looked at my phone and it was like five in the morning. I was like, what happened? I was like, I was out of like a party with like my friends, and I had missed two texts from two people that I was with at like ten thirty the night before, which was like seven hours had gone by. That was like, hey, I guess you left, Like, well, you know, see you in let me see you and mind you. I was dating somebody in the group at that time, and so I didn't go to this place alone. And I had like a boyfriend or a situation or whatever somebody that I was at least with that just was nowhere to be found. And so I still have no idea what happened, no clue what happened. But I was drugged and just like missing for like seven hours and stopped being friends with those people and stopped doing as much partying as I was and told my parents, told some of my friends and just kind of explained it in like a really matter of fact way, and they were all very concerned. And I didn't really even understand what was happening, because again I didn't recall anything that had happened, and then a couple months later we like really delve into it, and like I kind of started to like have to like deal with everything that happen and was just crying and so upset and very confused and then resentful of that was friends that I was with. But all that to say, then like a year later, we wrote Snow Angel, and I had been saying to Alexander, who I did this whole album with, like I really want to write a song about this. I'd recounted the situation so many times, and after like the tenth time of telling like a group of people that you know through maybe just music sessions, that you were like drugged and you have no idea what happened and you were like kind of into drugs at one point, but you don't really want to talk about it, but you do want to write a song about it, and them just being like, then you kind of stop wanting to write that song naturally, So I was like, Okay, I guess I just won't write anything about this. And then eventually Alexander like came back to me and was like, I really want to write that song that you were talking to me, about and I think you and I should just do it together. And I was like okay, And then we started writing and it was just the two of us, and frankly, the whole time we were writing it, I felt nothing, nothing Like I was explaining all this stuff and I was like, yeah, and you can like reference like the snow as whatever you want to reference it has, and things like that, and I felt nothing at all until we had recorded the song. The whole thing was done, and I played it for a bunch of my friends and my manager and everybody was like, this is insane. But for me, that whole year of my life was inherent resilience, because not only was I like fighting through an experience I have no idea what happened to me, lost friends, felt like I couldn't go out with anybody and trust anybody, And then was like trying to explain the situation in a way that I understood it, but I didn't really understand it, And then wanted to write a song about it, and wanted to write an album about it, but was also afraid to be judged for having something like that happened to me. But it's also like, what did happen? So it was a whole thing up until we decided to like name the album's so Angel and have that be the song that to me, it was all resilience because I was just like kind of cold face, like fighting through everything. And I still don't really know how I feel about it. I just know that I feel weird and very resilient.

We were all out and it was just situation after a situation where they were just not trustworthy. And then like the next thing you knew, I was face up, like laying down in like a bathroom stall in a hotel bar, just waking up like five in the morning, like completely alone. And I woke up and I was like I was just so confused, and I had like blood on my pants and I was really just like so caught off guard, and I like looked down. I had my phone and my purse and I looked down and I was completely alone in a bathroom stall, and I looked at my phone and it was like five in the morning. I was like, what happened? I was like, I was out of like a party with like my friends, and I had missed two texts from two people that I was with at like ten thirty the night before, which was like seven hours had gone by. That was like, hey, I guess you left, Like, well, you know, see you in let me see you and mind you. I was dating somebody in the group at that time, and so I didn't go to this place alone. And I had like a boyfriend or a situation or whatever somebody that I was at least with that just was nowhere to be found. And so I still have no idea what happened, no clue what happened. But I was drugged and just like missing for like seven hours and stopped being friends with those people and stopped doing as much partying as I was and told my parents, told some of my friends and just kind of explained it in like a really matter of fact way, and they were all very concerned. And I didn't really even understand what was happening, because again I didn't recall anything that had happened, and then a couple months later we like really delve into it, and like I kind of started to like have to like deal with everything that happen and was just crying and so upset and very confused and then resentful of that was friends that I was with. But all that to say, then like a year later, we wrote Snow Angel, and I had been saying to Alexander, who I did this whole album with, like I really want to write a song about this. I'd recounted the situation so many times, and after like the tenth time of telling like a group of people that you know through maybe just music sessions, that you were like drugged and you have no idea what happened and you were like kind of into drugs at one point, but you don't really want to talk about it, but you do want to write a song about it, and them just being like, then you kind of stop wanting to write that song naturally, So I was like, Okay, I guess I just won't write anything about this. And then eventually Alexander like came back to me and was like, I really want to write that song that you were talking to me, about and I think you and I should just do it together. And I was like okay, And then we started writing and it was just the two of us, and frankly, the whole time we were writing it, I felt nothing, nothing Like I was explaining all this stuff and I was like, yeah, and you can like reference like the snow as whatever you want to reference it has, and things like that, and I felt nothing at all until we had recorded the song. The whole thing was done, and I played it for a bunch of my friends and my manager and everybody was like, this is insane. But for me, that whole year of my life was inherent resilience, because not only was I like fighting through an experience I have no idea what happened to me, lost friends, felt like I couldn't go out with anybody and trust anybody, And then was like trying to explain the situation in a way that I understood it, but I didn't really understand it, And then wanted to write a song about it, and wanted to write an album about it, but was also afraid to be judged for having something like that happened to me. But it's also like, what did happen? So it was a whole thing up until we decided to like name the album's so Angel and have that be the song that to me, it was all resilience because I was just like kind of cold face, like fighting through everything. And I still don't really know how I feel about it. I just know that I feel weird and very resilient.

That's resilient, for sure.

That's resilient, for sure.

Yeah, that's resilient.

Yeah, that's resilient.

Yeah for sure. I mean, have you ever been able to piece anything together from the night or not at all? Like just nothing? That's that must be So that's almost like so disconnecting.

Yeah for sure. I mean, have you ever been able to piece anything together from the night or not at all? Like just nothing? That's that must be So that's almost like so disconnecting.

From very weird. Yeah, very weird. Yeah, I know, I have no idea, and I just stopped talking to the group of people. I was like, I don't I don't want to know what you know or don't or what you claim to know or don't know. I just wanted to let it go.

From very weird. Yeah, very weird. Yeah, I know, I have no idea, and I just stopped talking to the group of people. I was like, I don't I don't want to know what you know or don't or what you claim to know or don't know. I just wanted to let it go.

Yeah, what made you trust them in the first place that you now look back as the red flag and go? I should have been aware.

Yeah, what made you trust them in the first place that you now look back as the red flag and go? I should have been aware.

I really wanted to have fun. I really wanted to have fun. I had just gone through this breakup, and I had just changed a lot of my life and I had just you know, become visible in like a different way in the career thing. And I just wanted to like party and have a good time. I didn't go to college, and I didn't have that experience like to like let loose and just like kill. And these were people that I saw were really partying too much to a point, and I just I wanted to have fun, and I wanted people who knew none of my friends, who knew nothing about my life, who didn't know my ex, who didn't know two x's ago, who knew nothing about me, and I was just like fresh new into the group. I don't know, It's just like it was exciting to have a group of people that just did not care about anything else other than partying. Because I cared so much about everything else. I wanted that like level of just like escape and not dealing with it. And then I just escaped too far.