Every human being has a hard wired need to be in control of everything. There's three things in your control JA, what you think, what you do or don't do, and how you process your emotions. If you embrace the skill, you're going to be shocked.

Every human being has a hard wired need to be in control of everything. There's three things in your control JA, what you think, what you do or don't do, and how you process your emotions. If you embrace the skill, you're going to be shocked.

This is by far one of the best self helpe books I've ever read.

This is by far one of the best self helpe books I've ever read.

Your Mind and Soul are in for a Tree, The Queen of grounded science backed personal development Mail Robbist.

Your Mind and Soul are in for a Tree, The Queen of grounded science backed personal development Mail Robbist.

Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress.

Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress.

You have a customer that's really rude, you lose a big account, you get passed over for something. As you notice the stress come up, Jay, You're simply going to say let them. If you focus and try to manage things that are never going to be within your control, it only creates stress, anxiety, and frustration for you.

You have a customer that's really rude, you lose a big account, you get passed over for something. As you notice the stress come up, Jay, You're simply going to say let them. If you focus and try to manage things that are never going to be within your control, it only creates stress, anxiety, and frustration for you.

Imagine, for every thought you had about that person, you have to pay them a dollar. That's how much energy, time and money is being wasted.

Imagine, for every thought you had about that person, you have to pay them a dollar. That's how much energy, time and money is being wasted.

You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted or drained because of other people's behavior or your expectations about how you wish things would go. This is I think my legacy. I think that this is the thing I was supposed to figure out and leave the world.

You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted or drained because of other people's behavior or your expectations about how you wish things would go. This is I think my legacy. I think that this is the thing I was supposed to figure out and leave the world.

The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty Jay Setty. If you're struggling right now with things you can't control, this episode is for you. If you're someone who's struggling at work and negative people and toxic culture, this episode's for you. If you're someone who's struggling with your family members and your friends and setting boundaries, these episodes for you. So, mel where I want to start is work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. You write about this book in people's lives. How can they let them theory help people in the place that causes then the most stress.

The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty Jay Setty. If you're struggling right now with things you can't control, this episode is for you. If you're someone who's struggling at work and negative people and toxic culture, this episode's for you. If you're someone who's struggling with your family members and your friends and setting boundaries, these episodes for you. So, mel where I want to start is work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. You write about this book in people's lives. How can they let them theory help people in the place that causes then the most stress.

It's an excellent question. So first, let me no pun intended. Let me explain the theory. So in case you haven't bumped into this online, the theory is very simple. It is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's in your control and what's not in your control. The reason why this is important is because any psychologists will tell you that if you focus and try to manage things that are never going to be within your control, it only creates stress, anxiety, and frustration for you. When you take the context of work. There is so much inside your day to day life at work that is irritating. It is stressful. It is annoying from the endless meetings and no time to get work done to if you're somebody that is working in a retail store, you're doing shift work. You don't have control over what shifts. You get to feeling like you don't have the chance for promotion. It is just endless. And the way that you're going to use the let them theory is anytime something is happening at work that stresses you out, you have a customer that's really rude, you lose a big account, you get passed over for something, your idea gets dismissed in a work meeting. As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. Let my boss be in a bad mood, let my colleague take credit, let the customer be rude to me. And here's the thing. This sounds almost like you're being a doormat and you're being passive. It's the exact opposite. When you say let them, you're recognizing that the situation right now that has just happened has already happened, and that there is no reason to allow it to stress you out. When you allow your boss's mood to stress you out or make you nervous, you're giving power to your boss that they do not deserve, and so you're going to say let them. When you allow a customer that is rude or inconsiderate to make you feel bad about yourself, or to make you upset, or to rattle you, you just gave this rude person power over you. When you say let them, something interesting happens. First of all, you detach. Second, you feel almost superior. It's this weird thing because I don't think this is the same thing as saying.

It's an excellent question. So first, let me no pun intended. Let me explain the theory. So in case you haven't bumped into this online, the theory is very simple. It is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's in your control and what's not in your control. The reason why this is important is because any psychologists will tell you that if you focus and try to manage things that are never going to be within your control, it only creates stress, anxiety, and frustration for you. When you take the context of work. There is so much inside your day to day life at work that is irritating. It is stressful. It is annoying from the endless meetings and no time to get work done to if you're somebody that is working in a retail store, you're doing shift work. You don't have control over what shifts. You get to feeling like you don't have the chance for promotion. It is just endless. And the way that you're going to use the let them theory is anytime something is happening at work that stresses you out, you have a customer that's really rude, you lose a big account, you get passed over for something, your idea gets dismissed in a work meeting. As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. Let my boss be in a bad mood, let my colleague take credit, let the customer be rude to me. And here's the thing. This sounds almost like you're being a doormat and you're being passive. It's the exact opposite. When you say let them, you're recognizing that the situation right now that has just happened has already happened, and that there is no reason to allow it to stress you out. When you allow your boss's mood to stress you out or make you nervous, you're giving power to your boss that they do not deserve, and so you're going to say let them. When you allow a customer that is rude or inconsiderate to make you feel bad about yourself, or to make you upset, or to rattle you, you just gave this rude person power over you. When you say let them, something interesting happens. First of all, you detach. Second, you feel almost superior. It's this weird thing because I don't think this is the same thing as saying.

Let it go.

Let it go.

You're a very grounded person. Jay, you strike me as the kind of person that can let anything go.

You're a very grounded person. Jay, you strike me as the kind of person that can let anything go.

Ha me.

Ha me.

Whenever somebody would say to me, mel I know, I know it's not fair, which just happened at work. You gotta let it go, I'd be like, but I feel like I lost. I feel like I now have to be defeated. I feel more like a doormat. If somebody tells me to let something go.

Whenever somebody would say to me, mel I know, I know it's not fair, which just happened at work. You gotta let it go, I'd be like, but I feel like I lost. I feel like I now have to be defeated. I feel more like a doormat. If somebody tells me to let something go.

What's the difference between let it go and let them?

What's the difference between let it go and let them?

For me, when I say let them, I get a jolt to superiority because I'm like, I can see that my boss is kind of a jerk, and I'm just going to let them be a jerk, and I rise above it. And I feel a little judgy. I mean, if I'm being perfectly honest, I mean, this is why people get this tattooed on their bodies. Because when you say that word let them, or you see it on your arm, what happens is you no longer allowed a rude colleague or something frustrating at work to derail your day. You say let them, and you rise above it, and you kind of go, I see what's happening here. I'm going to allow this without allowing it. But then there's a second part, Jay, and this is the most important part, and it's the part that people do not tattoo on themselves because it's the harder part. And the second part of this theory is saying yourself, let me, let me remind myself that in life, there are always three things I can control. That's where my power is. My power is not in managing my boss or in trying to deal with some customer that just doesn't want to be in an okay mood, and doesn't want to be calmed down. They want to be right. They want to take it out on you. So you're gonna let them. But then you've created this boundary you rise above. I'm gonna just let you be upset here. I'm not gonna let it impact me. And then you say let me. And what you're reminding yourself of is there's three things in your control. Ja what you think, next, what you do or don't do, and oftentimes not doing something. It's the more powerful mood and how you process your emotions. Those are the three things that are always in your control. And when you say, let me take responsibility right now for how I'm going to respond to this. And the word responsibility, after all, is the ability to respond right. And so when you say let me, and you remember, I can think what I want about this, I can act in response to this, and I can process my emotions and either allow them to rise and fall and stay steady and calm, or you know, you can certainly irrupt if you want to. But why would you want to, because then that means you've given power to somebody else.

For me, when I say let them, I get a jolt to superiority because I'm like, I can see that my boss is kind of a jerk, and I'm just going to let them be a jerk, and I rise above it. And I feel a little judgy. I mean, if I'm being perfectly honest, I mean, this is why people get this tattooed on their bodies. Because when you say that word let them, or you see it on your arm, what happens is you no longer allowed a rude colleague or something frustrating at work to derail your day. You say let them, and you rise above it, and you kind of go, I see what's happening here. I'm going to allow this without allowing it. But then there's a second part, Jay, and this is the most important part, and it's the part that people do not tattoo on themselves because it's the harder part. And the second part of this theory is saying yourself, let me, let me remind myself that in life, there are always three things I can control. That's where my power is. My power is not in managing my boss or in trying to deal with some customer that just doesn't want to be in an okay mood, and doesn't want to be calmed down. They want to be right. They want to take it out on you. So you're gonna let them. But then you've created this boundary you rise above. I'm gonna just let you be upset here. I'm not gonna let it impact me. And then you say let me. And what you're reminding yourself of is there's three things in your control. Ja what you think, next, what you do or don't do, and oftentimes not doing something. It's the more powerful mood and how you process your emotions. Those are the three things that are always in your control. And when you say, let me take responsibility right now for how I'm going to respond to this. And the word responsibility, after all, is the ability to respond right. And so when you say let me, and you remember, I can think what I want about this, I can act in response to this, and I can process my emotions and either allow them to rise and fall and stay steady and calm, or you know, you can certainly irrupt if you want to. But why would you want to, because then that means you've given power to somebody else.

Why are we so distracted and obsessed with things we can't control. I'm sure, we all have a friend or know someone who knows they need to be working on their business, but they're talking about the news. They know they should be writing their book, but they're focused on talking about politics. They know they should be building the next stage in their career or whatever it may be, trying to get that promotion, work towards that next threshold or whatever they're trying to achieve, but they're distracted by talking about all the people, all the things, all the ideas that they can do nothing about. Why are we so addicted to it?

Why are we so distracted and obsessed with things we can't control. I'm sure, we all have a friend or know someone who knows they need to be working on their business, but they're talking about the news. They know they should be writing their book, but they're focused on talking about politics. They know they should be building the next stage in their career or whatever it may be, trying to get that promotion, work towards that next threshold or whatever they're trying to achieve, but they're distracted by talking about all the people, all the things, all the ideas that they can do nothing about. Why are we so addicted to it?

Well, I think there's two reasons, because your question is about two different things. One is why are we focused on things we can't control? And the other one is sort of like why are we distracted? And they're interconnected. So let's just address the issue of control. Every human being has a hard wired need to be in control of everything because being in control is what makes you feel safe. So I need to feel in control of my thoughts, my decisions, my environment, my future. And the problem is so do you. But part of the need for control jay extends beyond me, because if you're doing something that makes me annoyed or irritated or worried, about you. Now I'm feeling a little unsafer, worried because of what you're doing, and so now I'm going to want to control you so that I feel better. And so it is a fundamental, hardwired need inside every human being you know, to be in control of yourself. And yet the second we step across the line and we try to control someone else, whether it's I think you should be healthier, I think you should be more motivated. I wish you wouldn't like leave the kleenexes when you're blowing your nose on the whatever it is that you wish someone else would do. I wish my boss wouldn't talk in every meeting and would give a chance for us to talk. All of that desire for someone else to change. Is you attempting to control the uncontrollable. And so I think one of the reasons why we do this is because we're hardwired to do it. And the problem becomes that the second I try to control you, Jay, it's not going to motivate you to do what I want you to do. It's going to bump up against your need for your own control. So you're going to push back against me absolutely, And so you also asked about distraction. I think the reason why we're so distracted is because if you spend so much time and energy allowing the world around you to stress you out and drain your energy, you are now susceptible to being hijacked by meaningless things that are not important to you. And this is one of the biggest discoveries that I've made about using the let them theory and researching it has spread around the world, is that the single biggest benefit is that you get time and energy back. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted or drained because of other people's behavior or your expectations about how you wish things would go. And once you start noticing all of these little moments all day long, it's like a death by a thousand cus. Do you want to know why you're too tired? You want to know why you're overwhelmed, You want to know why you're stressed out, you want to know why you have no time for yourself. It's because of the power you give to other people's opinions, their emotions, their immature behavior. It's the ways in which you are turning people into a problem in your life. And here's the sad fact. The sad fact is other people should be the greatest source of happiness and connection and inspiration. But if you don't truly learn this skill that we're going to talk about today of focusing on what you can control and letting people be who they are, letting things play out as they're playing out, and then bringing the power back in house, and really focusing on how you responded. If you embrace this skill, you're going to be shocked. You're going to be shocked by how much time you've wasted, I'm not kidding. Yeah, And you're going to be shocked jay by the fact that you've allowed stupid things and people's drama to drain you. And that's why I also think we're so susceptible to distraction because we've given so much power away all day long. Because here's the truth. I'll give you an example when I first discovered this and I started playing around with it. The very first way that I used it after I discovered it was I was standing in line and we've all been at the grocery store when it's like six people deep and there's one person working, and it's like, beep, beep, beep and you start feeling that wave right and immediately the wave of stress takes over because you're now irritated by what's happening. And what just happens when you start reacting to that and you allow that stress wave to start to take over, is that you're giving power to something outside of you. Now, I can't control what's happening right now, so why on earth would I allow it to brain my energy? Because as it comes up, Jay, what do I then do? I then start talking to myself, Well, this is ridiculous. Why have they not done an announcement like I gotta get going here? Why are they not bringing another Now I'm starting to believe, Jay, that I can run a supermarket better than the people that are running it. And then you, of course turn to the person behind you and your role, like can you believe this? And now this is the interesting part that I really want everybody. I really want the person listening to embrace. In that moment, you just gave away your energy and you have a choice. When you say let them, you instantly feel a release and then you say, let me decide what I'm gonna do right now? Am I going to I can leave the store. That's one thing I can do. I could stand here and practice being present. It's another thing I could do. I could because I don't have time at the end of the day and I'm always tired and I'm complaining that I'm lonely. I could actually pick up the phone and call my grandmother. I could text my friend Jayshetty because I've been thinking about them. Like, you have so much power, but you're going to burn through it in that line, and then you're going to feel your stress activated, and then you're going to get in the car and then somebody is going to pull out in front of you, and then you're going to like be stressed again. And then you're going to walk into work and you're going to be annoyed in some meeting because of what something somebody said, and then that's going to hit you again an all day long. Because you don't recognize how this stuff is impacting you. That energy inside your body is slowly draining, and this is why you're exhausted, and so simply starting to use it, whether it's at work or it's just in your daily life, to say, let them when you notice that somebody else is irritating you or your sister you know, is doing that annoying thing. Just letter, yeah, let her.

Well, I think there's two reasons, because your question is about two different things. One is why are we focused on things we can't control? And the other one is sort of like why are we distracted? And they're interconnected. So let's just address the issue of control. Every human being has a hard wired need to be in control of everything because being in control is what makes you feel safe. So I need to feel in control of my thoughts, my decisions, my environment, my future. And the problem is so do you. But part of the need for control jay extends beyond me, because if you're doing something that makes me annoyed or irritated or worried, about you. Now I'm feeling a little unsafer, worried because of what you're doing, and so now I'm going to want to control you so that I feel better. And so it is a fundamental, hardwired need inside every human being you know, to be in control of yourself. And yet the second we step across the line and we try to control someone else, whether it's I think you should be healthier, I think you should be more motivated. I wish you wouldn't like leave the kleenexes when you're blowing your nose on the whatever it is that you wish someone else would do. I wish my boss wouldn't talk in every meeting and would give a chance for us to talk. All of that desire for someone else to change. Is you attempting to control the uncontrollable. And so I think one of the reasons why we do this is because we're hardwired to do it. And the problem becomes that the second I try to control you, Jay, it's not going to motivate you to do what I want you to do. It's going to bump up against your need for your own control. So you're going to push back against me absolutely, And so you also asked about distraction. I think the reason why we're so distracted is because if you spend so much time and energy allowing the world around you to stress you out and drain your energy, you are now susceptible to being hijacked by meaningless things that are not important to you. And this is one of the biggest discoveries that I've made about using the let them theory and researching it has spread around the world, is that the single biggest benefit is that you get time and energy back. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted or drained because of other people's behavior or your expectations about how you wish things would go. And once you start noticing all of these little moments all day long, it's like a death by a thousand cus. Do you want to know why you're too tired? You want to know why you're overwhelmed, You want to know why you're stressed out, you want to know why you have no time for yourself. It's because of the power you give to other people's opinions, their emotions, their immature behavior. It's the ways in which you are turning people into a problem in your life. And here's the sad fact. The sad fact is other people should be the greatest source of happiness and connection and inspiration. But if you don't truly learn this skill that we're going to talk about today of focusing on what you can control and letting people be who they are, letting things play out as they're playing out, and then bringing the power back in house, and really focusing on how you responded. If you embrace this skill, you're going to be shocked. You're going to be shocked by how much time you've wasted, I'm not kidding. Yeah, And you're going to be shocked jay by the fact that you've allowed stupid things and people's drama to drain you. And that's why I also think we're so susceptible to distraction because we've given so much power away all day long. Because here's the truth. I'll give you an example when I first discovered this and I started playing around with it. The very first way that I used it after I discovered it was I was standing in line and we've all been at the grocery store when it's like six people deep and there's one person working, and it's like, beep, beep, beep and you start feeling that wave right and immediately the wave of stress takes over because you're now irritated by what's happening. And what just happens when you start reacting to that and you allow that stress wave to start to take over, is that you're giving power to something outside of you. Now, I can't control what's happening right now, so why on earth would I allow it to brain my energy? Because as it comes up, Jay, what do I then do? I then start talking to myself, Well, this is ridiculous. Why have they not done an announcement like I gotta get going here? Why are they not bringing another Now I'm starting to believe, Jay, that I can run a supermarket better than the people that are running it. And then you, of course turn to the person behind you and your role, like can you believe this? And now this is the interesting part that I really want everybody. I really want the person listening to embrace. In that moment, you just gave away your energy and you have a choice. When you say let them, you instantly feel a release and then you say, let me decide what I'm gonna do right now? Am I going to I can leave the store. That's one thing I can do. I could stand here and practice being present. It's another thing I could do. I could because I don't have time at the end of the day and I'm always tired and I'm complaining that I'm lonely. I could actually pick up the phone and call my grandmother. I could text my friend Jayshetty because I've been thinking about them. Like, you have so much power, but you're going to burn through it in that line, and then you're going to feel your stress activated, and then you're going to get in the car and then somebody is going to pull out in front of you, and then you're going to like be stressed again. And then you're going to walk into work and you're going to be annoyed in some meeting because of what something somebody said, and then that's going to hit you again an all day long. Because you don't recognize how this stuff is impacting you. That energy inside your body is slowly draining, and this is why you're exhausted, and so simply starting to use it, whether it's at work or it's just in your daily life, to say, let them when you notice that somebody else is irritating you or your sister you know, is doing that annoying thing. Just letter, yeah, let her.

Be the example. That example was great, and I love how you explain that difference between just how much you notice how your whole life gets immersed in this tiny thing where you now talk about it. I've thought about it. If you were late somewhere, you're getting somewhere with some struggle in trouble, and you had a bad journey getting somewhere, you'll talk about it to everyone. You'll be like, oh, yeah, this person cut us off in traffic, and then there was this new driver that was figuring ou how to learn, and then the cops were around. If you had the best journey, easiest journey here you describe it in one sentence, right, and we just get so absorbed. And so I love that example. I want to paint in another scenario for people to really understand the system. Let's say you have a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, maybe you're married to them, and this person always turns up from work a little bit late. They don't wash the dishes. You wake up in the morning, the dishes are always still out there. There's a sense that you've told them this urged you a million times?

Be the example. That example was great, and I love how you explain that difference between just how much you notice how your whole life gets immersed in this tiny thing where you now talk about it. I've thought about it. If you were late somewhere, you're getting somewhere with some struggle in trouble, and you had a bad journey getting somewhere, you'll talk about it to everyone. You'll be like, oh, yeah, this person cut us off in traffic, and then there was this new driver that was figuring ou how to learn, and then the cops were around. If you had the best journey, easiest journey here you describe it in one sentence, right, and we just get so absorbed. And so I love that example. I want to paint in another scenario for people to really understand the system. Let's say you have a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, maybe you're married to them, and this person always turns up from work a little bit late. They don't wash the dishes. You wake up in the morning, the dishes are always still out there. There's a sense that you've told them this urged you a million times?

Did my husband ask you to ask me this question, Jake.

Did my husband ask you to ask me this question, Jake.

He's amazing.

He's amazing.

Chris has your number, Chris.

Chris has your number, Chris.

Yeah. And so I'm mean, I'm speaking from so much, not direct personal experience, but personal ext winds in so many ways.

Yeah. And so I'm mean, I'm speaking from so much, not direct personal experience, but personal ext winds in so many ways.

And you're saying this person's not changing. They haven't changed, because it's the fundamental role everybody. Number one, You cannot change another human being. It is impossible for you to change somebody else. Now, you can influence them, but you cannot change them. People only change if they feel like it and if they can. And wanting and wishing is a wonderful thing. Wanting and wishing somebody to be cleaner and to pick up after themselves, Wanting your kids to be more motivated, Wanting the people that you love to take better care of themselves and to be healthier, to date somebody that is normal and healthy instead of the losers that treat them like crap. That's a beautiful thing for you to want for other people, and you deserve to do that, and you should do that. Wanting people to change is not the problem. Wanting bigger possibilities for people is not the problem. How we go about it is, And so in this scenario that you're talking about is a beautiful example because you have to say let them. You see the dishes in the sink. It makes you upset because you feel disrespected and that it's annoying, and you have higher standards for cleanliness, which means you're probably just going to do them anyway, and then you're going to feel like you're really taking whatever for granted. But you have to say let them. And one of the reasons why is because number one, if this is a long term, committed partnership, learning how to love somebody as they are is a form of love that is deeply important. And if you can't say let them in that moment, you are going to get frustrated and angry, and then you are going to come to the next part of the let them theory with tremendous intensity and judgment and that's not going to motivate change. What it does when you judge somebody or you push against them, is it actually creates it's resistance to change. So you have to say let them because it allows you to detach from your emotions and detach from judgment. Right, it is what it is. I see what's happened I'm accepting the reality of this.

And you're saying this person's not changing. They haven't changed, because it's the fundamental role everybody. Number one, You cannot change another human being. It is impossible for you to change somebody else. Now, you can influence them, but you cannot change them. People only change if they feel like it and if they can. And wanting and wishing is a wonderful thing. Wanting and wishing somebody to be cleaner and to pick up after themselves, Wanting your kids to be more motivated, Wanting the people that you love to take better care of themselves and to be healthier, to date somebody that is normal and healthy instead of the losers that treat them like crap. That's a beautiful thing for you to want for other people, and you deserve to do that, and you should do that. Wanting people to change is not the problem. Wanting bigger possibilities for people is not the problem. How we go about it is, And so in this scenario that you're talking about is a beautiful example because you have to say let them. You see the dishes in the sink. It makes you upset because you feel disrespected and that it's annoying, and you have higher standards for cleanliness, which means you're probably just going to do them anyway, and then you're going to feel like you're really taking whatever for granted. But you have to say let them. And one of the reasons why is because number one, if this is a long term, committed partnership, learning how to love somebody as they are is a form of love that is deeply important. And if you can't say let them in that moment, you are going to get frustrated and angry, and then you are going to come to the next part of the let them theory with tremendous intensity and judgment and that's not going to motivate change. What it does when you judge somebody or you push against them, is it actually creates it's resistance to change. So you have to say let them because it allows you to detach from your emotions and detach from judgment. Right, it is what it is. I see what's happened I'm accepting the reality of this.

Let them.

Let them.

Then you come to the let me part. Is this something that bothers you? And if it is, remember you got three things. I can choose what I want to think about this, and so you could think a good thought. You could think, okay, good intention. They were probably super busy this morning and they meant to do it later. Let them Okay, I'm going to choose to believe that. You could also then remind yourself. Let me remind myself there's something I can do about this, right, And if it's really important, what you need to do about this is have a conversation. And by the way, Chris has had this conversation with me a bazillion times. So if you walk into our bathroom, Chris's bathroom probably looks like your side of the sink, which is it's like a zen seven star hotel Jay like, there's not a speck on that man's like basin or whatever you call it. You you look at mine, it looks like somebody tipped over a Walgreens aisle on top of that thing. And it drives Chris crazy. But what particularly drives them crazy is when something migrates from my side to his side right. And so he's asked me. He's asked me to please keep my stuff over there. He has asked me to please flatten cardboard boxes when they come in, don't please pack, don't unpack them, and then stack them by the garage door, as if I'm supposed to do it. And he's asked me and asked me and ask me, and then I forget well, he finally sat me down, Jay, And this is to let me part. You have to take responsibility for explaining to somebody what you need and the reason why this is important to you. Because when Chris said to me, I know you don't intend this, but this is the impact Mal When I see the cardboard boxes stacked, or I see your hair brush in fifteen products of yours on my countertop, it actually makes me feel like you think I'm the maid and we don't even have a maid. Like it's just like it makes me feel like you think it's my job to clean up after you, and that doesn't make me feel loved. Now, when he took the time, in a very calm way, to drop into his values and communicate what he needed, something interesting happens if you're in a committed, loving partnership and you're with somebody who wants to do better and cares about you, it taps into their intrinsic motivation to build new skills. If you have that kind of conversation with somebody and you explain how their behavior impacts you, whether it's their drinking or it's the tone of their voice, or it's the fact that they leave their stuff everywhere, or it's that they insist that you spend every holiday with their family and they have no interest in your whatever. The issue is, if you sit somebody down and you take responsibility, you've let them be and you've let them shown you who they are, and then you say, let me sit down and talk about this and take responsibility. I have the ability to respond to this a mature adult, and you actually express what you need and why, and that person doesn't try. You have to let them. And here's why. Their behavior is telling you the truth. Their behavior is telling you what they care about and what their priorities are. And if their behavior is telling you that your needs are not a priority, you have to let them reveal that because yes, because then you're going to come back to the second part, which is let me ask myself, is this kind of behavior from somebody what I deserve? Is this what I'm willing to accept in somebody? Because again, what do we also know? People only change when they want to or they can. And you might be in a situation where somebody would really love to change, but they can't because they're dealing with some challenge right now, or they don't have the skill yet. And you may decide, if that's the case, to still love and accept the person. But there may be times where you have had the conversation and it is very clear they're capable of it, they just won't do it. And what I find in relationships where that sort of invisible distance and the frustration and the resentment comes up is twofold number one. You can't detach from your emotions and say let them and really fully just let the person be who they are, and you don't do the part let me where you actually take responsibility for expressing in a mature way what you need and how their behavior impacts you. And so if you don't ever express what you need and how it's impacting you, you're not actually giving somebody the opportunity to build a skill or to change or to love you the way that you need them to love you so that you feel loved. The second mistake that I see constantly is that you make the ask and then the person doesn't do it, and then you start making excuses and resentment builds, and you stay in something seeing exactly who someone is wishing they would change, living up here in your mind about the fantasy of what you wish. This was refusing to accept the reality of what it actually is.

Then you come to the let me part. Is this something that bothers you? And if it is, remember you got three things. I can choose what I want to think about this, and so you could think a good thought. You could think, okay, good intention. They were probably super busy this morning and they meant to do it later. Let them Okay, I'm going to choose to believe that. You could also then remind yourself. Let me remind myself there's something I can do about this, right, And if it's really important, what you need to do about this is have a conversation. And by the way, Chris has had this conversation with me a bazillion times. So if you walk into our bathroom, Chris's bathroom probably looks like your side of the sink, which is it's like a zen seven star hotel Jay like, there's not a speck on that man's like basin or whatever you call it. You you look at mine, it looks like somebody tipped over a Walgreens aisle on top of that thing. And it drives Chris crazy. But what particularly drives them crazy is when something migrates from my side to his side right. And so he's asked me. He's asked me to please keep my stuff over there. He has asked me to please flatten cardboard boxes when they come in, don't please pack, don't unpack them, and then stack them by the garage door, as if I'm supposed to do it. And he's asked me and asked me and ask me, and then I forget well, he finally sat me down, Jay, And this is to let me part. You have to take responsibility for explaining to somebody what you need and the reason why this is important to you. Because when Chris said to me, I know you don't intend this, but this is the impact Mal When I see the cardboard boxes stacked, or I see your hair brush in fifteen products of yours on my countertop, it actually makes me feel like you think I'm the maid and we don't even have a maid. Like it's just like it makes me feel like you think it's my job to clean up after you, and that doesn't make me feel loved. Now, when he took the time, in a very calm way, to drop into his values and communicate what he needed, something interesting happens if you're in a committed, loving partnership and you're with somebody who wants to do better and cares about you, it taps into their intrinsic motivation to build new skills. If you have that kind of conversation with somebody and you explain how their behavior impacts you, whether it's their drinking or it's the tone of their voice, or it's the fact that they leave their stuff everywhere, or it's that they insist that you spend every holiday with their family and they have no interest in your whatever. The issue is, if you sit somebody down and you take responsibility, you've let them be and you've let them shown you who they are, and then you say, let me sit down and talk about this and take responsibility. I have the ability to respond to this a mature adult, and you actually express what you need and why, and that person doesn't try. You have to let them. And here's why. Their behavior is telling you the truth. Their behavior is telling you what they care about and what their priorities are. And if their behavior is telling you that your needs are not a priority, you have to let them reveal that because yes, because then you're going to come back to the second part, which is let me ask myself, is this kind of behavior from somebody what I deserve? Is this what I'm willing to accept in somebody? Because again, what do we also know? People only change when they want to or they can. And you might be in a situation where somebody would really love to change, but they can't because they're dealing with some challenge right now, or they don't have the skill yet. And you may decide, if that's the case, to still love and accept the person. But there may be times where you have had the conversation and it is very clear they're capable of it, they just won't do it. And what I find in relationships where that sort of invisible distance and the frustration and the resentment comes up is twofold number one. You can't detach from your emotions and say let them and really fully just let the person be who they are, and you don't do the part let me where you actually take responsibility for expressing in a mature way what you need and how their behavior impacts you. And so if you don't ever express what you need and how it's impacting you, you're not actually giving somebody the opportunity to build a skill or to change or to love you the way that you need them to love you so that you feel loved. The second mistake that I see constantly is that you make the ask and then the person doesn't do it, and then you start making excuses and resentment builds, and you stay in something seeing exactly who someone is wishing they would change, living up here in your mind about the fantasy of what you wish. This was refusing to accept the reality of what it actually is.

Hey everyone, it's Jay Schetty and I'm thrilled to announce my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can see my on Purpose podcast live and in person. Join me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to inspire growth, spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to see you there. Tickets are on cell now. Head to Jayshetty dot me and get yours today. You've just unlocked a whole new meaning of let them for me. How so I've always understood let them when I've heard you speak about it, when I read the book, this idea of let them be who they are, let them act the way they want to act, let them say and do whatever they want to do. I have to let them. I have to keep that distance. What you just unlocked for me, which I really want to, you know, everyone to grapple with because I think it's so powerful. Is this idea of let them also show you who they are? Yes, And if they're showing you who they are, let them be that person. Don't make them the person you imagine them to be the one you want them to be the one that you're wishing and waiting and hoping for them to be. They are that person. Yes, let them be that is Oh my gosh, my mind is literally blown because that is so powerful.

Hey everyone, it's Jay Schetty and I'm thrilled to announce my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can see my on Purpose podcast live and in person. Join me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to inspire growth, spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to see you there. Tickets are on cell now. Head to Jayshetty dot me and get yours today. You've just unlocked a whole new meaning of let them for me. How so I've always understood let them when I've heard you speak about it, when I read the book, this idea of let them be who they are, let them act the way they want to act, let them say and do whatever they want to do. I have to let them. I have to keep that distance. What you just unlocked for me, which I really want to, you know, everyone to grapple with because I think it's so powerful. Is this idea of let them also show you who they are? Yes, And if they're showing you who they are, let them be that person. Don't make them the person you imagine them to be the one you want them to be the one that you're wishing and waiting and hoping for them to be. They are that person. Yes, let them be that is Oh my gosh, my mind is literally blown because that is so powerful.

But you still have power. Jay, Here's the most important thing, everybody, This is the most important thing. This is the epiphany that I had too. Like, holy cow, I still get to choose. I still get to choose use. I get to choose how much time and energy I pour into this, whether it's this issue, or it's this topic, or it's this person. And here's how you know, if you can actually love somebody for who they are and who they're not. Can you end your complaining and bitching about it? Because if you can't do that, then this is something you're holding on too, and you're holding over the other person. And if they're never going to change, you now have a problem because the only thing that's going to make the relationship better is either them hearing you and caring enough and being able to adjust, or you being the one to adjust, because it's your complaining about it that is creating the friction and the resentment. And this is not only with romantic relationships, Like when I think about the broader applications of this for family, there are very challenging people in my extended family. It's like everybody's family, right, and so there's always one person in your life that you wish there just wasn't drama with you, wish they didn't have a challenging demeanor or personality. The let them theory has fundamentally profoundly changed my relationship also with people that have been difficult because when I say let them, like, let's say you're talking you, we're talking about somebody who's very narcissistic or dramatic or victim or they it's always about them and very draining person to be around. Well, part of the reason why they're draining is because you brace and you get ready for it, and you allow their energy to impact you. And I always find it funny, Jay that, especially in families and at work, we allow the most challenging person to have the biggest impact on the whole system. So if you have one person that's narcissistic in their personality style, or that is very very dramatic and immature in their personality style, they're one. If you imagine a spider web, right, I think about a system of relationships like a spider web, and you're out in the morning, the do's on it when you have a challenging person, because we all tiptoe around this person, that person's energy is like tap tap tap and shakes all the do off. I believe the opposite is true, especially after learning to let them theory, because there's been people in my life, both in work life and in my family life where when that person's around, I literally shrink to eight years old. I'm dancing around their mood. We all have had an experience like this. Maybe you're thinking about a boss, or your mother, or your father in law, or a brother or whomever, an adult child. Right when I walk into these situations now and I say, let them, let them be who they are. Why am I making it my job to manage your mood? Why am I pouring time and energy into this drama? Let me manage my energy. Let me remind myself. I can remove myself from any dinner table, any family text chain. I can remove myself from an interview, a date, a conversation, a relationship anytime I want. And I believe Jay that the person that is the most peaceful and centered and powerful, because you understand the power of your energy and your thoughts and your actions, you actually have more power in any family system and any office building, in any room anywhere than the most challenging person.

But you still have power. Jay, Here's the most important thing, everybody, This is the most important thing. This is the epiphany that I had too. Like, holy cow, I still get to choose. I still get to choose use. I get to choose how much time and energy I pour into this, whether it's this issue, or it's this topic, or it's this person. And here's how you know, if you can actually love somebody for who they are and who they're not. Can you end your complaining and bitching about it? Because if you can't do that, then this is something you're holding on too, and you're holding over the other person. And if they're never going to change, you now have a problem because the only thing that's going to make the relationship better is either them hearing you and caring enough and being able to adjust, or you being the one to adjust, because it's your complaining about it that is creating the friction and the resentment. And this is not only with romantic relationships, Like when I think about the broader applications of this for family, there are very challenging people in my extended family. It's like everybody's family, right, and so there's always one person in your life that you wish there just wasn't drama with you, wish they didn't have a challenging demeanor or personality. The let them theory has fundamentally profoundly changed my relationship also with people that have been difficult because when I say let them, like, let's say you're talking you, we're talking about somebody who's very narcissistic or dramatic or victim or they it's always about them and very draining person to be around. Well, part of the reason why they're draining is because you brace and you get ready for it, and you allow their energy to impact you. And I always find it funny, Jay that, especially in families and at work, we allow the most challenging person to have the biggest impact on the whole system. So if you have one person that's narcissistic in their personality style, or that is very very dramatic and immature in their personality style, they're one. If you imagine a spider web, right, I think about a system of relationships like a spider web, and you're out in the morning, the do's on it when you have a challenging person, because we all tiptoe around this person, that person's energy is like tap tap tap and shakes all the do off. I believe the opposite is true, especially after learning to let them theory, because there's been people in my life, both in work life and in my family life where when that person's around, I literally shrink to eight years old. I'm dancing around their mood. We all have had an experience like this. Maybe you're thinking about a boss, or your mother, or your father in law, or a brother or whomever, an adult child. Right when I walk into these situations now and I say, let them, let them be who they are. Why am I making it my job to manage your mood? Why am I pouring time and energy into this drama? Let me manage my energy. Let me remind myself. I can remove myself from any dinner table, any family text chain. I can remove myself from an interview, a date, a conversation, a relationship anytime I want. And I believe Jay that the person that is the most peaceful and centered and powerful, because you understand the power of your energy and your thoughts and your actions, you actually have more power in any family system and any office building, in any room anywhere than the most challenging person.

I can agree more. I couldn't agree more. I love that. And I feel like when you start looking at your energy and time, if you thought about it like money, and this idea that imagine for every thought you had about that person, you had to pay them a dollar, and you think about how many dollars If you now started account the amount of thoughts you having about that person, about that situation, about what they said, about what they said to so and so, what they thought about you, and you had to pay a dollar for every thought you had about them. That's how much energy and money is being wasted. Yes, and we're not realizing where else it could be invested put in. But I think you hit the nail on the head there. The reason is we feel so attached that we don't feel we can actually leave. As tik Nahn would say, we would rather live in the familiar pain, right than the unfamiliar pain. At least we know what we're going to get with this person, and there's a part of us that gets attached to that, even subconsciously.

I can agree more. I couldn't agree more. I love that. And I feel like when you start looking at your energy and time, if you thought about it like money, and this idea that imagine for every thought you had about that person, you had to pay them a dollar, and you think about how many dollars If you now started account the amount of thoughts you having about that person, about that situation, about what they said, about what they said to so and so, what they thought about you, and you had to pay a dollar for every thought you had about them. That's how much energy and money is being wasted. Yes, and we're not realizing where else it could be invested put in. But I think you hit the nail on the head there. The reason is we feel so attached that we don't feel we can actually leave. As tik Nahn would say, we would rather live in the familiar pain, right than the unfamiliar pain. At least we know what we're going to get with this person, and there's a part of us that gets attached to that, even subconsciously.

Well, here's the thing, though, Jay, because I think it's a really important point that you're bringing up. But here's what I think you're going to discover. I think you're only attached to it because you don't value your time and energy.

Well, here's the thing, though, Jay, because I think it's a really important point that you're bringing up. But here's what I think you're going to discover. I think you're only attached to it because you don't value your time and energy.

For sure.

For sure.

You're only attached to it because you've never experienced anything else. And the reason why you're used to it is because in the relationship dynamic, you're up in your head usually in a relationship, explaining a way behavior instead of actually seeing it with clear eyes and detaching from it. And that's the other reason. And I know you knew this instantly that the let them theory and saying let them and let me. One of the reasons why it's so powerful and I'm so excited is I feel literally like I am surrounded by ancestors because this is a modern application of ancient philosophy spiritual guidance, stoicism, detachment theory that you can then apply in any moment, in any relationship. And what I also love about this jay is that I think it allows you to truly see people, perhaps for the first time, and to give them the space to be who they are. And from that space, it's amazing is you can let people. For example, a lot of us are very triggered and motivated when somebody's disappointed or when some or we think that somebody is gonna, like, you know, really be let down by us. And I had this huge breakthrough because I used to feel really guilty either by how much I work or the fact that Chris and I raised our kids on the East Coast and my parents are in the Midwest. And you know, I love my parents and I wish we all live together. But here's the thing. They're not moving to me, and I'm not moving to them. We got to let them right, But there's a lot of emotion about it. And I know your family's all over the place too, so you know you're not like I'm not saying anything because my family listens to this s mouth. So so here's the thing. If I don't go home with my family for the holidays, my parents are disappointed. Let them be disappointed. I mean, isn't that a beautiful thing that they're disappointed. Don't you want somebody to be disappointed that you're not coming?

You're only attached to it because you've never experienced anything else. And the reason why you're used to it is because in the relationship dynamic, you're up in your head usually in a relationship, explaining a way behavior instead of actually seeing it with clear eyes and detaching from it. And that's the other reason. And I know you knew this instantly that the let them theory and saying let them and let me. One of the reasons why it's so powerful and I'm so excited is I feel literally like I am surrounded by ancestors because this is a modern application of ancient philosophy spiritual guidance, stoicism, detachment theory that you can then apply in any moment, in any relationship. And what I also love about this jay is that I think it allows you to truly see people, perhaps for the first time, and to give them the space to be who they are. And from that space, it's amazing is you can let people. For example, a lot of us are very triggered and motivated when somebody's disappointed or when some or we think that somebody is gonna, like, you know, really be let down by us. And I had this huge breakthrough because I used to feel really guilty either by how much I work or the fact that Chris and I raised our kids on the East Coast and my parents are in the Midwest. And you know, I love my parents and I wish we all live together. But here's the thing. They're not moving to me, and I'm not moving to them. We got to let them right, But there's a lot of emotion about it. And I know your family's all over the place too, so you know you're not like I'm not saying anything because my family listens to this s mouth. So so here's the thing. If I don't go home with my family for the holidays, my parents are disappointed. Let them be disappointed. I mean, isn't that a beautiful thing that they're disappointed. Don't you want somebody to be disappointed that you're not coming?

That really messes with people's minds, right, Yeah.

That really messes with people's minds, right, Yeah.

Like whether you can't make it to a business engagement, or you can't make it to a birthday party, or you can't make it this year home. I mean, what's the alternative that they're like, thank God Jay's not coming, I can't stand him. No, seriously, like, really wrap your brain around this. And so when you say let them be disappointed, something beautiful happens. You actually honor their experience of being human, you allow them to be adults. Yes, that is a sign that emotion that things are really good in your relationships. But then you say let me, and the old me would twist myself in knots and then I would make myself feel bad, and then I would question what I was doing, and then I'd bend over backwards to try to be there and try to be here. And instead, when I say let me, I drop into my values. I deeply value family, and so if they're disappointed, that's not the reason I would change plans. I have to look at what do I think, what do I want to do, and how am I going to process my emotions? And so as someone else is disappointed, the old me would feel deeply guilty and conflicted. Now with the lethn theory, I have space for them to be disappointed and for me to feel a little sad. But if I change plans, I don't do it for them, because if I change plans for them, guess what I just did. I made them the villain in my life. If I change plans because it makes me feel like a good daughter, makes me feel good. Now I take responsibility for my life and I am owning my decisions. And it's a small nuance, but it's absolutely everything. Everything And the other reason why I love this, especially as a parent of adult children, and you know there are very This is a book about adult relationships, and so I make it very clear in the book, and there's resources for parents with younger kids and back But one of the coolest things about this is that when you let someone like have their emotions and you let someone struggle while you say, I'm on the sidelines and I'm here to support, but I know that the greatest teacher in life is life, and I'm not going to shield you from the consequences of some of the things that you're choosing. You're an adult, so I'm going.

Like whether you can't make it to a business engagement, or you can't make it to a birthday party, or you can't make it this year home. I mean, what's the alternative that they're like, thank God Jay's not coming, I can't stand him. No, seriously, like, really wrap your brain around this. And so when you say let them be disappointed, something beautiful happens. You actually honor their experience of being human, you allow them to be adults. Yes, that is a sign that emotion that things are really good in your relationships. But then you say let me, and the old me would twist myself in knots and then I would make myself feel bad, and then I would question what I was doing, and then I'd bend over backwards to try to be there and try to be here. And instead, when I say let me, I drop into my values. I deeply value family, and so if they're disappointed, that's not the reason I would change plans. I have to look at what do I think, what do I want to do, and how am I going to process my emotions? And so as someone else is disappointed, the old me would feel deeply guilty and conflicted. Now with the lethn theory, I have space for them to be disappointed and for me to feel a little sad. But if I change plans, I don't do it for them, because if I change plans for them, guess what I just did. I made them the villain in my life. If I change plans because it makes me feel like a good daughter, makes me feel good. Now I take responsibility for my life and I am owning my decisions. And it's a small nuance, but it's absolutely everything. Everything And the other reason why I love this, especially as a parent of adult children, and you know there are very This is a book about adult relationships, and so I make it very clear in the book, and there's resources for parents with younger kids and back But one of the coolest things about this is that when you let someone like have their emotions and you let someone struggle while you say, I'm on the sidelines and I'm here to support, but I know that the greatest teacher in life is life, and I'm not going to shield you from the consequences of some of the things that you're choosing. You're an adult, so I'm going.

To let you.

To let you.

When you allow someone the space to process emotion and the space to face their struggles and the space to heal on their own timeline and in their own way, you actually communicate that I believe that you can when you step in and try to force somebody to be more motivated at school or you let's just take that one, because there's a lot of people that listen to my show, and I'm sure it's the same people that are listening to yours that write in are like, I don't know how to make this person more motivated. Oh for sure, right, And so here's what I want you to understand. And this was another huge breakthrough when I was writing this book. You want to know the hardest person, hardest working person in a classroom, Jay, it's the kid who's struggling. It's not the people that are getting straight a's. It's the person who's having a really hard time. Wow, do you want to know the hardest person that's working on their health? It's actually the person that's unhealthy because they know that they want to be healthier, and so they are not stuck. They're in deep conflict actively within themselves. And so if somebody is already aware that there is a gap between their potential and how they're performing, that there is a gap between god given right to thrive and be happy and be connected and what their life actually feels like, they know it. And then you come in and try to impose your will or your good ideas. Oh, thanks a lot. So I never thought that if I wanted to get good grades, I needed to study and not play video games. Thank you Einstein. Oh I should go to the gym if I want to lose some way. Never thought of that. So you come in and you have judgment and assumptions. What is it that's more pressure on top of somebody who is actually already deeply conflicted with themselves? Yeah, and so if you really embrace this and you understand that people change when they feel like it and when they can. And if somebody's struggling, it's because they're not able to. Right now, there's a skill that's missing, and one of the biggest things that's typically missing is the belief that any of the small actions will actually do anything anyway. Yeah, and so you coming in and imposing it, you know what that says. It actually says I don't believe you can do this.

When you allow someone the space to process emotion and the space to face their struggles and the space to heal on their own timeline and in their own way, you actually communicate that I believe that you can when you step in and try to force somebody to be more motivated at school or you let's just take that one, because there's a lot of people that listen to my show, and I'm sure it's the same people that are listening to yours that write in are like, I don't know how to make this person more motivated. Oh for sure, right, And so here's what I want you to understand. And this was another huge breakthrough when I was writing this book. You want to know the hardest person, hardest working person in a classroom, Jay, it's the kid who's struggling. It's not the people that are getting straight a's. It's the person who's having a really hard time. Wow, do you want to know the hardest person that's working on their health? It's actually the person that's unhealthy because they know that they want to be healthier, and so they are not stuck. They're in deep conflict actively within themselves. And so if somebody is already aware that there is a gap between their potential and how they're performing, that there is a gap between god given right to thrive and be happy and be connected and what their life actually feels like, they know it. And then you come in and try to impose your will or your good ideas. Oh, thanks a lot. So I never thought that if I wanted to get good grades, I needed to study and not play video games. Thank you Einstein. Oh I should go to the gym if I want to lose some way. Never thought of that. So you come in and you have judgment and assumptions. What is it that's more pressure on top of somebody who is actually already deeply conflicted with themselves? Yeah, and so if you really embrace this and you understand that people change when they feel like it and when they can. And if somebody's struggling, it's because they're not able to. Right now, there's a skill that's missing, and one of the biggest things that's typically missing is the belief that any of the small actions will actually do anything anyway. Yeah, and so you coming in and imposing it, you know what that says. It actually says I don't believe you can do this.

I'll do it for you. Yes, I can do it for you for you, Yeah, absolutely absolutely. I remember me and Rady as you got married and we moved to America, and RADI will say this herself that at that time in her life had parents had made a lot of big decisions for her, and she was following decisions that they were making or opportunities that they were putting forward, and all of that was with good intention. And then when we got married, she'd start to ask me for my advice or my insight. This would be anything from what plates we should buy for our apartment through to like what kind of curtains we wanted. Right, We're talking about really small everyday things. And I Remember I would always say to well, what do you think? And she'd always say, no, no, no, you just tell me. And I'd be like, no, but what do you think? And in the start it would really frustrate her, But now she looks back and she goes that question helped her so much because it helped her find her own identity, her own strength, her own tastes, her own dislikes, and now she's a whole human with opinions and it's so fascinating to what's that? And it was because I almost had this fore visioning, or this thought that even if I make my life easier by just telling her my tastes and dislikes and likes, it's only going to be easy in the short term, because ten years from now, she's going to think she'd became the person I wanted her to be and never became the person she could be right. And I could see that, and so I set up and I was like, no, you just tell me. Until this day, I always practice something. I think you look beautiful, but I want you to wear what you want to wear. It shouldn't be about what I think you look better in or worse. You know, that shouldn't be the case. And it's so interesting how we think love is overcaring, but actually overcaring is over enabling that person and overwhelming that person.

I'll do it for you. Yes, I can do it for you for you, Yeah, absolutely absolutely. I remember me and Rady as you got married and we moved to America, and RADI will say this herself that at that time in her life had parents had made a lot of big decisions for her, and she was following decisions that they were making or opportunities that they were putting forward, and all of that was with good intention. And then when we got married, she'd start to ask me for my advice or my insight. This would be anything from what plates we should buy for our apartment through to like what kind of curtains we wanted. Right, We're talking about really small everyday things. And I Remember I would always say to well, what do you think? And she'd always say, no, no, no, you just tell me. And I'd be like, no, but what do you think? And in the start it would really frustrate her, But now she looks back and she goes that question helped her so much because it helped her find her own identity, her own strength, her own tastes, her own dislikes, and now she's a whole human with opinions and it's so fascinating to what's that? And it was because I almost had this fore visioning, or this thought that even if I make my life easier by just telling her my tastes and dislikes and likes, it's only going to be easy in the short term, because ten years from now, she's going to think she'd became the person I wanted her to be and never became the person she could be right. And I could see that, and so I set up and I was like, no, you just tell me. Until this day, I always practice something. I think you look beautiful, but I want you to wear what you want to wear. It shouldn't be about what I think you look better in or worse. You know, that shouldn't be the case. And it's so interesting how we think love is overcaring, but actually overcaring is over enabling that person and overwhelming that person.

Yes, and it's control.

Yes, and it's control.

It's control.

It's control.

You're not like if you think about what love really is, and for me, love is two things. It's consideration, right, It's having someone in mind. If you pour in oat milk instead of the cow milk because that's what they like, that's an act of love. It's also admiration, and admiration is the ability to see something in somebody that you deeply admire. I want to go back to something that you said though, because it was genius and it had me think about the idea of the power of your time and energy. And you were talking about imagine if like your time and your energy had dollars associated with it, because I don't think we value it. And I started to think about one of the biggest obstacles because what's ultimately happening when you start to use let them and let me, is you're going to see that you've turned other people into a major problem. And you have turned them into a problem in four ways. First of all, you allow them to stress you out, but you're not going to do that anymore because you're going to let them be. But the second way that you've made them a major problem in your life is that you give so much weight to other people's opinions. And in the example you were just talking about what was happening is by asking you what do you think.

You're not like if you think about what love really is, and for me, love is two things. It's consideration, right, It's having someone in mind. If you pour in oat milk instead of the cow milk because that's what they like, that's an act of love. It's also admiration, and admiration is the ability to see something in somebody that you deeply admire. I want to go back to something that you said though, because it was genius and it had me think about the idea of the power of your time and energy. And you were talking about imagine if like your time and your energy had dollars associated with it, because I don't think we value it. And I started to think about one of the biggest obstacles because what's ultimately happening when you start to use let them and let me, is you're going to see that you've turned other people into a major problem. And you have turned them into a problem in four ways. First of all, you allow them to stress you out, but you're not going to do that anymore because you're going to let them be. But the second way that you've made them a major problem in your life is that you give so much weight to other people's opinions. And in the example you were just talking about what was happening is by asking you what do you think.

Was doing?

Was doing?

What we all do but most of us do it subconsciously and we don't even realize it, which is before we even ask ourselves what feels right for us, we stop and consider what we think somebody is going to think. And you have that like really brilliant thing that I've heard you say a bazillion times that I love. It's not what you think you think of think And I'm like, wait, well, but so I want to play this out because this is so important. Was a huge thing for me. If you open up your favorite social media platform, we've all had the experience where you go and you pick a photo and you then put it up and you're like, okay, should a a filter on this? And you start to then question is this right photo? And then you go back to your photo role and then you start working on the caption should I put emoji? Is this too much? Should I do this? And then you are worried why because you're actually thinking about what other people are going to think or do in response to what you're posting. Yes, which means if you take the value of it right, you just overvalued something that you will never be able to control ever, ever, ever, ever, and yet you're doing it subconsciously. And what typically happens is if you notice everybody's got hundreds of draft posts, you know what that is. That is a graveyard of energy. You waste it on something that you didn't you'll never be able to control because the average person has seventy thousand random thoughts a day. You can't even control half the crap that goes in your own mind. So what makes you think any post is going to guarantee that any human being thinks anything? And the let them theory revealed to me Jay how often I was subconsciously valuing, oh, for sure, someone else and that like, are they going to think negative? They gonna think this? Are they going to think too much? And there's such a simple way to change this. You just let them think negative thoughts.

What we all do but most of us do it subconsciously and we don't even realize it, which is before we even ask ourselves what feels right for us, we stop and consider what we think somebody is going to think. And you have that like really brilliant thing that I've heard you say a bazillion times that I love. It's not what you think you think of think And I'm like, wait, well, but so I want to play this out because this is so important. Was a huge thing for me. If you open up your favorite social media platform, we've all had the experience where you go and you pick a photo and you then put it up and you're like, okay, should a a filter on this? And you start to then question is this right photo? And then you go back to your photo role and then you start working on the caption should I put emoji? Is this too much? Should I do this? And then you are worried why because you're actually thinking about what other people are going to think or do in response to what you're posting. Yes, which means if you take the value of it right, you just overvalued something that you will never be able to control ever, ever, ever, ever, and yet you're doing it subconsciously. And what typically happens is if you notice everybody's got hundreds of draft posts, you know what that is. That is a graveyard of energy. You waste it on something that you didn't you'll never be able to control because the average person has seventy thousand random thoughts a day. You can't even control half the crap that goes in your own mind. So what makes you think any post is going to guarantee that any human being thinks anything? And the let them theory revealed to me Jay how often I was subconsciously valuing, oh, for sure, someone else and that like, are they going to think negative? They gonna think this? Are they going to think too much? And there's such a simple way to change this. You just let them think negative thoughts.

That's it.

That's it.

The next time you catch yourself stopping to consider what you're going to post or what your colleagues might react to, and that's what's keeping you silent. Say to yourself, let them think negative thoughts, because that's what you're actually afraid of. And so when you say let them think negative thoughts, something wild happens. You accept the reality that no matter what you do, it doesn't guarantee that anybody thinks anything. And then you say, let me And here's where this gets really cool. Let me remind myself I can think what I want and I can do what I want. And your social media, in particular, as you and I both know, it's your self expression. That's what it's there for. And if you can't allow yourself to express yourself there, then it's going to be everywhere where you at it yourself because you're not just letting people think negative thoughts. But if you operate in a way now and you now take the value, you take the money back. We're not going to pay Jay the money for his opinion. I'm going to take the money back, and where I'm going to put the value is operating in a way that makes me feel proud of myself. Because when I operate in a way, whether I'm posting something or I'm speaking in a meeting, or I'm showing up and not responding to my dramatic whatever. I'm proud of myself. And when you're proud of yourself, you don't even consider what other people are thinking, because you've just anchored all of your worth inside of yourself. And that's why this is another reason why this is so unbelievably powerful.