Get Real with Caroline HobbyWALAA: Everything changed the moment she surrendered to death in her burning house during a brutal arson attack
Walaa’s life was forever changed when her home was set on fire in an arson attack, a moment that forced her to confront her deepest fears and the idea of surrendering to death. Yet, it was in facing her own vulnerabilities — the parts of herself she found most uncomfortable and “cringe” — that she discovered her path to healing. This profound self-acceptance led to the creation of “The Cringe Theory,” a powerful tool to help others transform their pain into growth. The birth of her daughter marked her true rebirth, as she found new strength and purpose in motherhood, realizing that through embracing life’s challenges, she could rise anew and help others do the same.
Cary Lone. She's a queen, talking and solemn. You know, she's getting really not afraid to fail as episode, so just let it flow. No one can do we quiet like Carey Lone is sounding care lound.
I'm so excited to be back with Walla, one of my favorite people. And due to podcasting, I was been able to connect with you. You live in Spain, across the world, across the ocean, and I met you. Was it last year, the year before, maybe two years ago?
I think two years ago. Yeah, before everything happened.
Your life turned upside down and we met.
It's like my life is like before the fire, after fire, like the before times. If you watch Silo, it's kind of the beforetime and then the now times.
And when I met you a couple of years ago, you were deep in the middle of color therapy and we did I think I even did some exercises with you and did some sound healing with you, and you spoke to I was running a little workshop at a time. You spoke to some of the people in the workshop, and I just was I've just enamored with you as a human because you are just such a beautiful soul, such a beautiful human and you are just here to heal, and you found all of these ways to heal. And now you've moved on from color therapy. I kind of want to talk about color therapy a little bit because I know you still incorporate that, but you've moved on to helping people heal through finding their cringe. And I think that is so brilliant because I want to talk about it because I know when you get to the part that makes you like disgusted or icked out at yourself or like you can't like yeah, you hit that part and you feel it and you're like ooh, and you don't even want to like acknowledge that it's there. You're saying, that's what we need to like be diving into with our whole existence. And you got there because your house was arsoned.
Yes, so back in July twenty twenty three, somehow we woke up in the middle of the night and our house was completely on fire.
And your husband has has a child, right, yes.
My stepdaughter was there and her friend was there. Oh my gosh, and like I'm gonna okay. It was that night I think was the most horrible night in my life. We woke up and we just got back from a long trip in Ireland and we were on a boat, so I inhaled so much smoke so when I got out, when I got up, I didn't know what I was. It was so pitch dark. It was really really scary, and I remember thinking, I don't know where I am. I was touching everything. I was crawling on the floor and I remember thinking, oh my god, I think I'm gonna die.
Like I think I'm gonna die. And you said you surrender to death.
And then I was like, okay, you know what. I was so scared. I was so scared, and I was like, Okay, then this is my moment, So I'm just gonna die. I surrendered myself to die because I didn't I didn't know how to get out.
So you were consumed by smoke everywhere. Yes, Yeah, y'all will because house is fully engulfed.
Yeah, so our bedroom was not. And then my husband got up and I got up after him, but I was slower than he expected me. So he was just out to get the girls, so he tried to open the door. He went into the girl's room. He couldn't get on the landing. So our room is here, my stepdaughter's room was here. He couldn't it was just less than to me and he couldn't get it go into that, so he had to jump off the balcony and go get them from the other way. Somehow. My stepdaughter, when she sleeps, she never it's really hard to wake her up. She deep sleeps. She woke up, she grabbed her friend, threw her out the window. Her father caught her friend from the window and then he grabbed her. She got out.
Would they like on a second story? Yes, so they like.
So he got on the car. He got on the car, and he was able to get them because the house had like a slope. Yeah. Can you imagine like eight years of age.
You're eight years old.
Yes. And she was so brave, like it's so scary, I know, And it was. She was so brave because her friend was sleeping, her friend was not waking up, and she she doesn't know how, but she just kind of lifted her up and threw her out the window. She's like, I don't know where I got the strand thanks, but I did. And then in the meantime, while that was happening, I was still in the bedroom and I was still trying to figure out what was going on, and I thought we were on the boat. I don't know. I could feel my I remember feeling my id. I don't know why. I'm like, now, you should have grabbed it.
But but so your husband was now because he's like, I gotta go get the girl. So he's moving fast as lightning. And then he's thinking, you're moving out, but you're so disoriented that you don't know where you are. So he's over here getting them to safety, but you don't know how to get out because you don't know where you are exactly.
And then all of a sudden, I could hear him shouting my stepdaughter's name, and I remember like feeling this extreme fear because I've never heard my husband so scared. Because my husband's always the guy who's super calm, like as calm as the cucumber, you know, he's the one who just figures it out. I'd be panicking and going crazy and he'd be like, it's okay, like on a duck's back, you know. But this is the first time I could hear it. And then somehow so I was like I surrendered to die. I was like, okay, you know what I'm gonna die.
Did you not could did you like you couldn't figure out a way out the door?
No? But something incredible happened. So I was. I was there, and then somehow when I started, when I decided, okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna die, I felt like this extreme peace, incredible piece that oh, okay, death is not going to be so bad. I'm going back home.
So you really it wasn't just like okay, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. It's like you felt it coming over.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was like, okay, you know, I'm like soul god. And then all of a sudden, I felt like my something like that piece just went away, and I was back in my body. I was completely awake, and my lungs were burning. And then I I hear so I have one of my closest aunts growing up has passed away, I think three years before, and I could hear her voice saying in Arabic, You're not going to die this way. You don't die like this. And then somehow I found myself on the balcony. They don't know how, and then I jumped off and there was my husband and the girl screaming my name, calling me while I was having this like crazy, Am I going to die? Am I not? And then after that we tried to get the dogs out. We only could get one out.
How many did you have?
Three? So two of them died and it was just, really, this is the most heartbreaking thing that ever happened in my life. This is like the biggest loss was losing the dogs. And then it was just, you know.
Five.
An hour before, I had everything I dreamed about. My whole life was my dream life, and then all of a sudden, it was all gone. I had no idea, I had no clothes, I had nothing, And it was scary because your safety is one of the things that we take for granted. And then to be able to put your head on a pillow not worrying that something bad's going to happen to you is such a privilege. And I only understood that after that night, and it was all motion from there. But one of the biggest things that really really touched us and really really helped us is that the whole community the next day was moving, getting us clothes, giving us cars, giving us phones, giving us homes, like they were all working together to protect us and to help us and the people we didn't know and people we knew, and it was this amazing, incredible feeling of Okay, you know what, the world's still good even though this dark thing happened. So let's hold on to that. So this is what, And then we began this whole journey of first reclaiming our identities back because when everything burns down, you know, they nobody, you know, everybody's like, okay, how are you going to get your identity? They don't believe you, Like I had to fly home to be able to get a new passport.
And where are you from?
Originally I'm from Kuwait, so for in Kuwait specifically that no embassy issues passports, you have to go back and yeah, and they interview you and they interrogate you because losing your passport is if you're considered a crime, so they punish you by not giving you a passport for six months.
And I had a way for six months.
No, thankfully I managed to convince them to let me go back to my family because my family was in Ireland and I needed to go. And then we also go to different places to reclaim you know, my businesses et cetera to be able to go back online. But incredible things happened that I had so much help, and I had so many people standing by us as a family and by me as a person, and it really really helped get us through this. But then, you know, you go through this and then everybody, you know, you go through the grief and everybody's with you, and then and then at some point you as and as a family are alone with all.
The around once the initial people show up. Did you know this woman? I know you can't talk about this, but did you know this woman who burns? Yes, and she just she's head it out for you. That's like unbelievable. I can't actually believe that. And I know you can't talk about a lot of things, but like, what in the actual world.
The problem is, Caroline, we live in a world that people are enabling people, and women, especially women, due to the feminist movement and due to very compassionate people. They're enabling people who are in so much pain, who have personality disorders, who have deep, deep trauma problems, who are extremely manipulative, get away with things like this, and they're helping them, and they feel bad for them because this person uses organizations, charities until this day today, this person is continuously harassing us.
She's still out there on a loose Yes.
Even though she's supposed to surrender to jail voluntarily for another crime that was last month.
Are you are you nervous?
You know what? No, I this We as a family decided we are not going to be scared. We are just going to take all our precautions and we're going to make sure we have security and that we are aware. And that's it, because if you if you keep worrying about the future and living in fear, it's not a way to live. And that fear is her circus, not ours. Even though it was really hard to get to this point, So one of the biggest things I had to learn from this, from this arts and attack was acceptance because the justice system here is so slow and doesn't make any sense because to me as a person who comes from a like a different type of law, and you don't need too much evidence to question someone. All you need is some circumstantial evidence, and then I'm looking at a police report that I had an eight. So I spent the first few months hoping and wishing this was an accident. Because I didn't want to accept that somebody would want to harm us like this.
I mean, that could have was it. It could have killed y'all. Yeah, and not just you guys, like the child like what in the.
World, Yes, exactly, and.
And didn't even know there are two kids in the house. I mean, ah, you.
Know, like the trauma. I was running because my husband was still trying to get the dogs out when we ran, and I me and my stepdaughter and her friend who were running up trying to get help. And then because the electricity was out, because as soon as the fire started, the electricity went out, so we couldn't open the gate, so we had to climb the gate. My legs were just like jelly. My stepdaughter was able to go up and do it, and she was like, dude, look, come on, let's go. You can do it. You can do it. And I'm like that. I was always worried about her. That night I saw the bravest human being I've ever seen in my life that I'm like, you know what, after tonight, I'm not gonna worry about you anymore. And it was just so emotional. I know, It's just I came with a plan that I wasn't gonna really emotionally get into this, but you know what, maybe we should because people need to know that when someone has trauma that's not healed, when someone is a high conflict personality, when someone when someone comes to you and talks about all these different things and blames all these other people and is full of hate, hate, hate, you need to question how much you're enabling them, and is this is what they're saying is true? Because you know, after the fire, the amount of people that were helping her that came to us and were like, you know, now we think it's her because all she talks about is how much she hates you guys, and how much she hates your husband because the connection is through my husband. Yeah, so that's so, that's like everybody realized after the fact. And on top of that, she was messaging people telling people not to help us.
If someone can harbor that much hate, that's what you're saying, Yeah, if you can exatiminate it, why are you carrying that much hate?
And if you don't, and that much hate is probably many many, many, many, many, many many years.
Of pain and then this is the outlet to release it all.
Yeah.
On other people because ultimately, and this is where your cringe methods comes in, because ultimately, I mean I feel and I wonder if this is where you got to with even the arson, Like, even though this happened to you, this was a life threatening situation for your whole family. You lost two of your dogs that were part of your failing. I mean, this is traumatic, but still it feels to me like you aren't even hold your You took responsibility for healing yourself and said because you could stay and hate, I mean, you could stay and hate for her forever and it can make you a dark, bitter, awful person.
So I'm not gonna lie to you. We spent a few months.
Hating and hating, Yeah, and how could you. But if you don't feel that, you're gonna suppress it. So you have to feel it.
So we spent that much time and we went through like because we had this feeling of injustice, absolutely feeling of violation. We also had these feelings of you know, we went to Ireland and then she followed us to Ireland and.
What in the world she followed you to Ireland?
Yeah, and she's started harassing us there. So it was like one non stop yeah, so, and it was kidding me right now. Yeah, if it was any other country, we we would be I think we would probably have a restraining order by now. But unfortunately here things are harder because it's not yet even though we were stocked, were followed, were harassed, et cetera. But because there's so many, so many connections and so many different delays, and things are so slow, Like, you know, this person was convicted three days later or four days later, our house burns down and convicted because of something that is connected to us, right, so, oh, it's such a coincidence, and there's and if you look at the police report, you're like, oh my god, it's so much dark her Because we thought, you know, we were like, you know what, hopefully it's an accident. We spent month like it's an accident, it's an accent. We get the police report, it's darker than we thought because a person was hired to do it. So it's like, oh yeah, so it's like whoa. This person is sitting there planning and doing all these dark things, and everybody is sitting there being like, oh my god, you poor thing. Let's get your help, let's get your pardoned. Let's get you, you know, not to face consequences. And this is what really so the work that I had to do to accept and separate myself and my family emotionally from this from not going into the direction of hate and pain and being able to move forward and focusing on being happy, focusing on allowing ourselves to heal and and be happy, because after something like this, you can really really sink into a really really dark hole very easily. But we kept going because we really really worked hard on the healing, the screaming, the the the getting it all out and facing also things that we felt that Okay, maybe you know these are mistakes we made, or maybe this is how I keep attracting this person into my life.
That's interesting that you say that, because I know it's like every time I'm like faced with some sort of dark person in my orbit, I'm like, how did I energetically get in that energy field with that person?
Yeah?
Yeah, I mean it's like what is that?
Why do I need them?
Why do I need them to teach me this lesson to show me this part of myself?
Right? Yeah, But it's also it's also like why do I need them to stay so it's kind of like, Okay, this person, for example, is constantly creating, So why is it that I need chaos to be in my life? What is it about chaos that I need to heal within myself? This person's chaos. I don't mean, I don't mean that they're good or it's my fault that they're there, But why do I need this chaos to keep this link?
Like? How is it? How is yeah? How am I aligned with it? Because exactly how is it matching with me? And I think that's what so many And I love that you can even say this after something like that happened to you, because so many times people are like, that's just absolutely terrible. It's the worst thing that ever happened, and it is. But then it's also you have this next level of self reflection that's like, how did this energetically happen?
Yeah? And you can go through it on many different spiritual layers. But in the end of the day, it's also a choice what am I going to choose to do? Am I going to choose? Because for example, am I going to choose to forgive? Because for me, forgiveness is to give to God? Forgiveness is not Oh, it's okay what you did to me. No, No, it's just that the pain that because how I see what happened that night. It was like this person that has so much pain that they couldn't contain and they had to put it on someone else, and they and that and that's what they did, and that all that darkness, it was put on me. So forgive. For me to forgive, it is for me to take this darkness that they gave me and give it back to God. For God to deal with it, not me. It's not mine.
Not for you to internalize it and carry it and integrate it into your existence. It's not you.
And it's not even for me to go and try to get justice either. Oh.
Now that's the real next level. That is like the real healing piece. If you can get to that place where you don't need like then to be vindicated, that's that is serious, Walla.
And you got Now, look I get there and then I have days, and then I have days I'm like, ah, I want it, and then I remember I remember that I have to accept because if I go into the sloop of oh justice hasn't been served, it's not it's not for me because I don't know what justice looks like. And if I give justice to God, oh my God, justice is not prison. God. I know this from life, and I know this from from everything I've I've seen in my life, is that when God gives you the justice, or when God serves someone their consequence.
It's more much more than and it's you can ever imagine exactly. And also it's like for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction, Like I it's a Newton's or law of physics. It's literally like you cannot escape your darkness by adding more darkness, you know. And so I feel for this person that she lives in this state of misery because her existence has to be so devastatingly dark. But literally I.
Always say, like I cannot imagine what it's like inside her. Yeah, toms like to live in her skin with herself, like.
Wow, because you don't get happiness by causing harm to someone else. It just doesn't work that way. It's not going to work out. And so I, yeah, you're so right though, But to be able to get to that mental spot where you're like, I'm giving this over to God, this is not mine to sort out. Ultimately, you just have to do every.
Time something blows up, like something comes up and it's like against what you said, and you're like, god, what are you doing? And then and then you know, I go like, no, you know what, m M. I have to trust because this is not the picture, this is not the end, this is not whatever any to keep going on my own track and I just need my My justice is to be just with myself. My justice, sorry, my justice is to accept me. But all of that happened through a lot of deep work and a lot of self facing and a lot of choices.
What did you find out about yourself when you started facing yourself.
I found out that I really thought that I was I need you know, I was doing I was bad and I needed to you know, I needed people like this to to punish me in a sense.
But you thought you were bad.
Yeah, and then after the fire, it's come. It comes from a really deep trauma of a childhood trauma of thinking of of being always the blame in the house.
That's how you grew up.
Yeah, so it's all away the blame on you, Yes, eldest, that I'm the girl, and it's like I'm always you know, it's my fault. It's my fault. So my first reaction is, it's my fault.
So everything was always your fault, were you.
Yeah, So even when the fire happened, I had guilt carried that I contributed.
To this because it's your fault obviously.
Yeah, So I had to I really had to release that. And then when I and and this is the beautiful thing about community and people, because when people started chowing up for us, I realized.
No, I'm not I'm not bad. You thought you're just innately a bad innately bad, like even if you're not doing.
Something, No, everything is my fault.
But even if you weren't doing something wrong, you still thought it was your fault.
Yeah. And this is very typical of children to when when they have relational trauma, the way they make sense of it is it's my fault. It's my fault. Mom doesn't love me, it's my fault. Mom doesn't have time for me. It's my fault. I'm bad. So this is something that was really something deeply I really needed to work on and really needed to heal.
Did you feel like you didn't receive a lot of nurturing and love as a child, not emotionally no, like, even if your parents loved you, they didn't necessarily like show you through their actions.
It felt maybe you know a lot of parents, I think, especially our generation, they knew how to put clothes on us, they knew how to feed us well, but they didn't know how to emotionally validate us. And they didn't know how to emotionally be.
There for us because they weren't didn't have it for themselves.
No, that wasn't something that they knew how to do. And I think our generation is very determined to break that cycle in so many different ways. And I think this is why it comes up a lot for a lot of us.
Okay, so you thought that it immediately it was your fault, and then you healed that, and then how did you heal that?
So it was more so with the cringe method is it's just this.
Is how the cringe this is how the cringe method was worth.
Yeah. So the first thing with the cringe method, it's it's not like a thing that I was like, Okay, no more color therapy. No. I felt like with what a color ways and the way I was talking to people about it, they would come and they would expect something really light when they came for a color reading, and then I came and like, boom, this is your shadow. Let's work on it. Nobody and everybody was like whoa, this is not what I was expecting. This is not what I was looking for. And a lot of people went stayed and a lot of people were just like no.
So with color therapy, you would show people. Can you briefly just tell us what the color therapy was like with the gist of it.
Remember the color reading that I do, it's now was transformed to a cringe reading because everybody comes in with a cringe that they need to work on. So mine is a yellow sorry is a yellow red. So mine is about taking leadership in my life and finding my inner power on my own, so not needing other people to bring my power to me. It's actually just finding it from within, no matter what's going on around me. And I think what happened with the arson attack was like the biggest kind of push for me to pull that inner power and not blame myself and not doubt myself and really strengthened me to do a lot of the things that I'm doing, Like I don't I used to like worry about being perfect and saying the right things all the time. Now I don't. I'm like, you know what I feel. I will just make sure my heart is open, my throat is open, and I'm connected to love, and that's what I'm going to speak through. So with the cringe method, we were there. Okay, So it's like this four steps. So it's really when you're when something is going on, what you really need to find is this thing that you just want to.
Push that makes you like tighten up, yeah or go.
I also used to do this thing of like make a sound to just get rid of it.
Yeah, yeah, just like okay, yeah, yeah I did that.
But I don't want to think that I did that. I feel so much shame.
I know that feeling. I used to feel like I was so worthless and that if people actually got to know me, they would find out that I was just a fraud faking to be someone who was valuable and really I wasn't and it would just make me feel so sick inside. I think everyone everyone has one, and it's like.
Everyone has multiple. Yeah, we all have so many. And this is the beauty of this because it's like, if if we are able to get comfortable with this feeling of like, uh, because these are the thoughts that I want to hide. These are the thoughts and the things and the feelings that I don't want it I want to see. But if I actually look at them, that's what they want. So we identify them, we talk about that, we understand them, were like, Okay, why did I feel this way? Or why do I think this way about myself? And then work on clearing it. So the clearing element is the tricky one because a lot of people feel like when you do an energetic cleanse, you're done. But in the cringe method, I really focus on healing it from releasing it from the body, releasing it from the emotions, and then also releasing it with actions, so really figuring out how is it playing out in my life.
So the first one is the first step is identifying where you get that feeling of like oh I can't even like look at this. I'm just gonna try to get out of this feeling as fast as possible. Yes, how do you identify them? How does someone get to that first step of even finding them?
So with this thing, you first have to work with someone because we just want to escape pain that's the natural thing. Okay, you need. So this is where I'm like, okay, this is where I get my clients. And the cringe method comes from when I was working with my clients with the color therapy and then we'll be talking and then be like and I was like, ah, there's the cringe, bring it, and then they'll be like, oh no, I mean let's bring it, let's face it, let's release the shame from it, and then that will stay in it. So that's that's how we're working. But I'm also going to introduce something new that maybe we could that I'm so excited about because I know that I can take people through it, like have them be able to do it with guidance, and then after we identify that, we clear it together.
So you do the clearing with them. How do you clear it?
So we'll clear it with color therapy and sound okay, and breathing and sometimes movements depends on where it is because everybody is unique and everybody is different. The thing I'm going to introduce is it's going to be in groups. So it's gonna be even a lot cooler because I'm going to be combining all of them together and I'm just gonna be intuitively figuring out how to get people cleared altogether. And then when you have people doing the same thing at the same time, it's amplified the healing. And that's why I really love it.
So can you briefly explain to someone what the color therapy healing is? You said, like, yours is yellow, and that means to find your inner like your inner voice. Like how does someone find what their colors are? And then what does that mean?
Okay, So I do a color reading or a cringe healing and cringe reading right now, and I help you identify it through your birthday. So you're born with certain colors in your chart, and these colors, say the color you came in with like the essence of your soul, and then the color you are challenged with, which is like what is the cringe? It's the shadow element because every color has a light element and a shadow element, and that's how we work because color is a translation of the language of light in a way. And then where your soul wants you to go in this learning, how are you going to take it further? So this is something that I'm working on now to create a brief to have on the website so people can access this without needing to book a session. Well, it's work in progress with a six month a seven almost seven month baby, it's a bit tricky.
Oh, the fact that you're getting anything done and the baby is phenomenal.
I know, it's insane. I'm like, how do people do it?
No?
Okay? And so you heal it and then comes so you identify it, you heal.
It, and then and then you begin to understand how it played out. So when you understand how it played out, you understand the actions, you begin to change.
Them, okay, like rewire, yes, and.
You also also make an effort of changing them in the fourth also in the like this is a combination between the fourth and the third, So you also understand the actions, You forgive yourself for doing it, and understand that you're not now even though you did an energy healing and you released it, you're not gonna not make the mistake again. It's about not punishing yourself. It's about correcting the mistake and correcting and correcting and catching and correcting. And then we do an integration process of like, okay, how are we going to integrate the new beliefs. How are we going to integrate something different than this?
Okay, so you have like a new like a new plan almost of like when this happens, when I catch it instead of doing my old habits of this, I now do this. It's but you have to be very intentional, yes, yeah, but the thing is like you could.
Yeah, but the thing is like you if you only want to face your cringe when you're sick of your own ship mm hmmm, because it's a lot of work.
It's a lot of work.
Program to reprogram something that you've had since childhood. A lot of people want healing like this, and that's the expectation, like, Okay, I'm going to be positive. Oh I'm going to be able to tune into gratitude and I'm going to be grateful all day. But then anxiety comes in and they can't because we need to shay.
And you haven't gone and rewired yourself. You haven't gotten into the core beliefs that you believe about yourself and that you believe about the world.
Or even gotten sick of them enough enough enough. Yeah, Like when people come to me and they're like, I'm like, look, come back to me. When you're sick of yourself. When you're sick of yourself, just come back. Because it's like when I'm sick of doing the same thing over and over again, going over this pain over and over again, going over this hate over and over again. Because we all go through these loops and then it's like it's like a game, you know, like the Mario game. As soon as you go you finish a stage, you go into another one. It's like a deeper layer of the onion.
I feel that all the time while and I get so freaking frustrated because I will like heal do like a big healing because like you, I am always healing myself. It's so annoying, Like I'm literally like can I ever stop this cycle? Because as soon as you like break through one big barrier and like one big level that's been holding you back, and you get to the next plateau, you have these realizations, you do the work, you rewire all that, it's like, damn it, there's another whole level and you've got to start at this next whole level, Like does it ever stop?
You Know?
What I found is that like there are some that goes, oh man, this again, SiGe, can I like, not do this again. But then there are these ones like, oh you again, Okay, I know how to deal with you. I've dealt with you before. You know, there are different ones.
Some are more annoying.
The more annoying it is, and the more cringey it is, the more deeper you need to go. But also we forget the gifts that we get after we do the healing.
Oh you're so right, You're so right, And I do feel that way. I feel like I've been doing the deep, deep, deep, deep deep ones because i feel like I'm starting to get to a new level where I'm kind of like bored. Not bored, but I'm kind of just like I'm not like this desperate need to find answers. Like for so long, I was like needing to talk to everyone who was healers. I was needing to do all of the thing. Oh you know, I was needing to do every different type of healing modality I could find to like purge myself and have realizations. And now I'm kind of like, Okay, I have a good baseline. I know what my first part of my life, the wiring that I have and the lies that I told myself about myself, like you told yourself that it was always your fault. Like I know my things now and I've worked on them and I've healed them, and I do feel worthy and I do feel like totally empowered and like I love myself so like I've done the baseline deep deep deep cleaning out my pipes. But then so now I feel like it's a little like you said, it's getting to be a little lighter. It's not quite as like heavy. And now I feel like when new stuff comes in, it's like it's new things. It's not necessarily all my old stuff. I am still dealing with old stuff, but a lot of it's no new stuff. And because you have the rewiring, it's like, Okay, I can deal with this in a more efficient way where I don't have to let it all just compound and get stuck inside of me like I did the first half of my life because I was a kid in an adolescent and I didn't know how to process.
You know, Yeah, And I think like the first the most what I really want to get a lot of my clients and the people that I work with, it's like, you know, when you first start doing the healing and then there's a tornado that you get stuck in of toxicity.
And when people come to me with this, I want to get them from this like the tornado to them being like, Oh, the tornado's right there. I'm not going to go there. I'm gonna stay here see the tornado. But I'm not I'm not I'm not gonna be I'm.
Not gonna see the tornado. And I and I have and I've examined the tornado. I'm not avoiding it. I'm not like pretending it's not there. But I don't need to go put myself in it, like I already know what it is.
Yeah, because the tornado is like the need for the pain, yeah, that we have because it's familiar. Yes, So it's like, oh, I'm going to fall into the complete deep anxiety and all of this that whatever this tornado brings up from you or this deep depression or or just secluding myself from the world or whatever your your thing is, whatever your tornado looks like, and the way you get sucked into it, and then having having moved from there to the area of like, Okay, I see this tornado, but I'm not gonna jump on. I'm not gonna jump in it. I'm not gonna let myself go. I'm not gonna this addiction to pain because of early life trauma is what I want people to kind of be able to catch. And then even when they enter the tornado, I want them to be able like, oh, I.
Can exit, I can exit, and to even realize, like you said, they have a choice, because until you start doing this work, you think the tornado is just your life and who you are. You don't realize that it's what happened to you. It's not who you are. But until you separate what's happened to you and who you actually are, that's a huge separation, and it takes a lot of unraveling and detaching from all the beliefs that are put on you, all the the words that people told you of who you are, and the way you felt about yourself due to the authority figures in your life and the circumstances in your life, and all that.
Social media and the media.
And the programming, you know, all the programming that we've believed that we believed ourselves to be. To detach from that, to actually get to the core of who you are versus who you have been told you are and the story that you've made.
Up about yourself.
One of the biggest learnings for me was when I when I found out that, you know, all my life, I also had like had this thing of like I had to be special, better than everybody else so I can be loved. I had to be special. And I think this is a programming from society.
Do you think it also was because you were always getting blamed for stuff that you thought if you were special, maybe yes, would not be That was my healing fantasy. Yeah, if you could be special, then you would be valuable and yeah, then you would be worthy.
Yes, and then they like they would love me, and then they.
Would love you, Yeah, because they would finally see it.
Yeah, they finally see them. I'm like, I'm great.
You know which you are?
Then you know that which I am? I know that now, But it's like it took some work.
And and then when I.
Realized that, oh, my goals were a lot simpler than what was put on me, and my passions were a lot you know, smaller, like I wanted the smaller like, the smaller moments, the things that give me happiness were not like this being on Forbes List before I'm thirty five, or or like being on the cover of a magazine because I'm so cool and so amazing, and all that programming that I had, or have this like crazy corporate job or whatever. I had all these believes and I was like, Oh, that's not actually success for me. That's my mother's definition of success. That's my society's definition of success. It's not mine. Mine actually looks different.
And I totally relate to you, Wala, because I felt that same way. I used to feel like I needed to be special because if people could and that's why I wanted to move to Nashville and be a famous singer, because I was like, if I can just get famous and the world can love me, then I will be special. I will be validated everyone can. But really, then you start doing all your own healing work and you actually start to love yourself, and then you clear out all this debris that you've been living with internally for so long that you realize isn't true, and then you're like, oh my God, like you said, it's actually I just want to be in a happy marriage. I just want to have a great relationship with my kids. I just want to have peace in my life and in my chickens. I just want chickens. I just wanna wake up every day and breathe in fresh air and just be so thankful for the little world that I live in. I don't need this big validation from the world.
Yeah.
And that's a huge turning point.
Oh yes, I know, because one I realize I don't need to be special.
I'm okay, because you already are special and you feel it in yourself.
Yeah. But it was just not like even letting go of oh I'm so unique or I need to find that unique spot or I'm just being was such a huge heavy thing that was like I put on myself. And when I found permission to just kind of let go, and I was like, what a relief. Yeah, what a relief.
Did not have to be constantly especially so perfect, so perfect, and to be so validated by others, you know.
Yeah, yeah, And that was one of the biggest like for me. So it was just incredible to have. You know, my sister in law called us after the fire and she said to us, you know, guys, I know you too. One day you're going to look back at this and you'll think this, even though it's bad. You're going to say this is the best thing that ever happened to me. And when she said that, I was like, you know what, I'm going to make it that. I want to make it that. And to be able to make it that, I needed to do a lot of inner work and a lot of healing and a lot of giving and a lot of acceptance.
I've got full chills, man, because instead of and like you said, you had your periods of anger and hating.
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, you.
Have to you have to get that out. But you turned it on yourself and you said I have to heal me because if you don't do the work, you're never going to get to that place of acceptance and that this could be something that really transformed your life positively. You can't get there unless you turn it inwards.
Yeah, because a lot of us get stuck in the cycle of oh this person did this to me. They have to get this, they have to get consequences, they have to change.
It's a victy and you truly were a victim, like you have place you are a victim.
You know, yes, but also I'm a survivor.
Right. So the fact though that you're not even gonna let victim mentality take over your existence.
It did, and it felt like shit, sorry.
What does it feel like to be full engulfed with it when you have the right to be.
Even when you have the right to be, it feels really bad. It just didn't feel like us. I remember we were. We would sit at nights and feeling like exchanging this, like this frustration, my frustration, my husband's frustration were just like exchanging. And then we looked at each other. We're like, why, we can do better. We can do better than this, and we have to do better for us, and we can't let this. We can't make this choice of just sitting there because it used to feel like so frustrating, like so suffocating like this, and and we couldn't do anything reality, We couldn't. We had to accept that there was nothing for us to do because every door we knocked, police, lawyers, et cetera. They're like, sorry, this is how it is here. You might it might take seven years for you to even see justice, and then to be able to you might not see it. You know, this is what like they were all telling us. So you know what, all I want to do, all I care about is to have my family protected and to be at peace, and to grow my passions, and to grow and help people and continue to help people like I always did, because that give me so much joy and it gives me so much purpose. Yeah, And I just feel like I want to be known for my contributions to.
The world, not your anger and bitterness of what was wronged you. That's so power, yeah, because what do you want to be known for?
You know? Like I can sit and just like sit and fight all these crazy articles that are full of lies and things like this every day, but.
Should I Is that where you want to spend your time and energy exactly exactly.
It's like petty circus And I'm like, you know what, your circus, your monkey, not my circus, not my monkey. I love this, Like, no, my circus, not my monkey. My circus is this? My monkey? Is this? This is the cringe that I need to focus on. And That's what I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna keep looking forward because you look, you keep looking back, You'll break your neck. That's what one of my friends always said. And it was a really hard choice to make, but we kept each other in check and we just kept going on the path and just stayed in the love and just laughed a lot and stayed together and did everything. And now our family, my family grew and you had a baby.
In all this, I mean, the fact that you've got a child into the world after this, like that is healing right there.
And I did it at home.
You did a home birth.
How was that so? I was? I had a midwife that was supposed to come, she didn't. She came six minutes before the baby landed. Okay, it was stormy outside. And throughout the work that I've been doing during the pregnancy, I did a lot of work as well. Like I'm so I hate being pregnant. Okay, I hate it. I'm not gonna do it again. I don't want to do it.
Why did you hate it?
I was so tired all the time. I had anemia. It wasn't fun at all. And my third trimester was in the summer and the heat it was horrible. I couldn't get out of the house. It was just no And then we also had all these different stresses coming in and out. It was just like not a lot. But then throughout that helped me because pregnancy hormones open you up so much. So there's like so much emotion. It's a lot of like I did a lot of work and a lot of healing, like I'm so grateful for this pregnancy. And then so one of the things I was like, you know what, I don't want anybody to see me. I don't want anybody to see me like being in pain and blah blah blah. And I think I'm go just like free birth this baby. That's what I was like telling myself. And then emotionally, I was prepared anyway. So this baby decided to come in so fast that the midwife didn't believe I was in labor. She thought I was like such a like an active labor. She thought I was in pre labor. And then it's just me and my husband did it together?
Were you like in a bath or anything or did you like yeah.
But the bath was so tight, but it was like I couldn't get out of it.
And then her husband caught the baby.
No, no, no, the midwife caught the baby. My husband helped me. She came six minutes before the birth. The actual breath.
I started pushing before she came, but my husband was so calm, and it was like a great trust exercise between the both of us.
And I think after the fire and then after this crazy birth because I only pushed three, I didn't push my body dead, and I had crazy vision and I don't know what it was. It was incredible. It was the most horrific, painful thing I've ever done, but it was the most magical, crazy, craziest thing I've ever done. And when she came, she was like, oh you're pushing. I'm like, and this baby came out.
How has motherhood changed you?
It allowed me to allow more love into my heart more and more, like allow it to stay love.
That what is success? And happy with this to you now that you've gone through all of this, because before you said it was hard for you to not be hard on yourself and want to be like a perfectionist. You blame you like you thought things were your fault. You know, you just put a lot of pressure on yourself. Yeah, and now that you've gone through the burning and the rebirth, like you birthed a child, your house burned. I mean, you've gone through all of it. Ashes to life. You know, you're altally new, You're a new human, like you've experienced this, the depths of these lows and the highs of these highs, and you have done all this self discovery. What is happiness and success to you now?
If it's allowing more love and just staying in it whatever it looks like, Really it's just so simple and really appreciating the.
Present, being present, just being present for that love, because I think before I was just like jumping from one thing to another. I still like to go from one thing to another, but I'm making more.
Efforts and being more present, being more present with my clients, being more present with the love that I have for my children and the love I have for my family and my husband.
And it's right here, right now, in the exact moments. Like the bigs are great, and those mountaintop experiences are wonderful. The valleys are hard and they rock you to your core. But life is the day to day little moments it is, and like finding the present, You're right, yeah.
Right, And it's it's also I remember when everybody was like, how do you feel now after I gave breath, and I didn't say happy. I was like content, because I think that's what we happy looks like, you know, reading up and super high and content there's something about this feeling of contentment, of just like everything is exactly how it needs to be, and since the breath of my child, that's the feeling that I keep looking for and bringing myself back to to feel content. That's what beautiful.
Thank you while you're just like you are doing the work all the time, isn't it?
Yes? It is.
What do you have coming up? Because I know you have some things coming up?
Yes, So I'm introducing on the eighth of April, we are I'm doing a free live cringe class. This class, I'm going to explain the cringe method a bit, and then I'm going to take people through an exercise to find their blockage and that first cringe whatever's blocking them from allowing themselves to just open a lot of it to even manifest to even get the things that they want. And then I'm going to take them through a healing process and then I'm gonna give them a special special for this new group program that I'm doing that's going to be low commitment and it's going to be fun, and it's going to be a five day fun experience on telegram.
So that's kind of and where can they find this to join, so they're going to find it on the Cringe method dot.
Com and also find me on Instagram at the Cringe Method, The Cringe Method.
I love that. That is so just so spot on. A cringe method or what makes you cringe about yourself, that's where you need to dive in. Literally.
I love it because I remember when I was working on the rebranding a wonderful little girl, her name is Grace, She's amazing, Grace Abbott, and she was like because I was like, oh yeah, inner healing in and whatever, and she was like, no, the cringe Method, because that's what you do.
I'm like, oh, yes, that's it, and you don't forget that.
No.
While I just love seeing you, I really genuinely just adore you and love getting to connect with you. We almost got to see each other in Spain this I was partner.
I know.
I know maybe our past will cross one day, will get to actually meet in the flesh and blood, but it is not.
I know. I know we will. I know we will when I come in. So great to get to know you too. Really, thank you so much for having me, and I'm so excited that you're the podcast that I'm talking about this first, and like, you're the first.
Person, so you haven't shared about this yet, well, thank you for sharing.
No, you're my first share. You're the person I trust, trusted with my sorry, so.
Well, that means so much, Walla, And honestly, the fact that you have been able to turn all these things into a positive ultimately, it's and I think that that's what the message I always want to get across with this podcast. I love hearing people's stories is anyone can can truly overcome. And it's not even overcome, but it's like doing this work to realize that you are not what happened to you. And yes, what happened to so many people is awful and traumatic and horrific, but you are still the human, that soul, that light is still there and it can separate rate itself from the You'll never forget what happened, and it's going to shape who you are. But like, yeah, if you don't have to live in the chains of it your whole.
Life, no, And you don't have to suffer for other people's mistakes, Yeah, don't.
And even if they put those mistakes on you and you suffer the consequences of them, like you said, it's not yours to carry, It's not yours. No, even though it did affect you, and like that is just hard work that I just love talking to you and I love hearing your story and I feel like doing that hard work it is so difficult. But if you don't do that hard work living as a victim with all that hate in your heart, not that you're not gonna have birds of bursts of it and moments of it, but if you live constantly and hate and victim mentality, you're going to have a horrible it's going to.
Destroy yourself, like hate destroys.
Yeah. So I just love that you have done this deep, deep, deep work and you figured out a way to help others who are in that same place so you don't have to live in that darkness. And it's amazing.
And I hope and I hope that when people hear this, they can know that no matter where they're at, it can turn around. They can turn it around, no matter how about it looks like it can.
So that leads me to my last question, which is I always wrop up with leave your light, and it's just what kind of inspiration do you want to leave people with?
No matter where you are, no matter what it looks like for you, really you can change it. And it doesn't change with a big bang, it changes with small little steps, and then one day you'll look back and be like, oh, I just climbed the mountain. That's really beautiful.
Will thank you so much for coming on and sharing the story and sharing your healing process and the Cringe Method and all of the ways that you have healed yourself. Thank you for putting them into a resource that others can use as well. That is so powerful and so awesome. And I hope that a lot of the listeners come and join your class. You said it's April eighth.
Yeah, April eight.
So go to the Cringe method dot com and.
Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it, let's do it. Love it. Thank you so much, Waler, Thank you
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