Flex and Firms Flex and Frooms. This is the Flex and Frooms catch up podcast.

Flex and Firms Flex and Frooms. This is the Flex and Frooms catch up podcast.

It's Flex and Frooms on Kita. There was a period a few months ago, guys where I got really into the podcast Humman Lab.

It's Flex and Frooms on Kita. There was a period a few months ago, guys where I got really into the podcast Humman Lab.

If you're listening, you're.

If you're listening, you're.

A body hacker type person. Maybe you're a trading on the job with like elite muscles, you have to get up at five am, and maybe you do indulge in the ice breaks, sausage roll combo. I have had a sausage row for breakfast two times this week and it was elite New era. Yeah, I just really felt like it. Anyway, if you're into your body hacking era, you're probably across Human Lab. It's by a guy called Andrew Humeman. He's a professor at Stanford University in the neuro whatever the hell science stuff. He does a weekly podcast all about science and how to like body hack your life and all that jazz. He had one with a guy called Chris Voss. It's how to Succeed at hard Conversations. And little grad that I saw on Instagram was about how the tone of your voice can impact the way that you are perceived. We know this, we know the body language is very important. I personally have always modulated my well, I like to think I've modulated my voice when speaking to certain people in order to come across as more reasonable.

A body hacker type person. Maybe you're a trading on the job with like elite muscles, you have to get up at five am, and maybe you do indulge in the ice breaks, sausage roll combo. I have had a sausage row for breakfast two times this week and it was elite New era. Yeah, I just really felt like it. Anyway, if you're into your body hacking era, you're probably across Human Lab. It's by a guy called Andrew Humeman. He's a professor at Stanford University in the neuro whatever the hell science stuff. He does a weekly podcast all about science and how to like body hack your life and all that jazz. He had one with a guy called Chris Voss. It's how to Succeed at hard Conversations. And little grad that I saw on Instagram was about how the tone of your voice can impact the way that you are perceived. We know this, we know the body language is very important. I personally have always modulated my well, I like to think I've modulated my voice when speaking to certain people in order to come across as more reasonable.

What do you do in particular?

What do you do in particular?

It can give me like a verbal example of how you would normally speak, and then how you'd switch it up.

It can give me like a verbal example of how you would normally speak, and then how you'd switch it up.

I will, but I'm going to play this first.

I will, but I'm going to play this first.

Okay, cool.

Okay, cool.

So this is Chris Voss, who is an expert negotiator talking about the radio DJ night voice.

So this is Chris Voss, who is an expert negotiator talking about the radio DJ night voice.

I will, and a conversation gets heated, I'll switch into that voice with the intention of calming you down, because you know that's the hostage and gootiated voice. But it'll calm me down to like. Intentionally going to that voice camps down the negative emotions, which I'm convinced make me dumber in the moment.

I will, and a conversation gets heated, I'll switch into that voice with the intention of calming you down, because you know that's the hostage and gootiated voice. But it'll calm me down to like. Intentionally going to that voice camps down the negative emotions, which I'm convinced make me dumber in the moment.

So what he's saying is, when you're in a tense argument, you should potentially look into getting like a smooth FM late night DJ voice. We all know what that sounds like. I think you can have any style of like voice. Okay, Okay, let's give it a go. Welcome back to the Flex and Room Show. This is Rooms DJ Frooms. It's a pleasure to.

So what he's saying is, when you're in a tense argument, you should potentially look into getting like a smooth FM late night DJ voice. We all know what that sounds like. I think you can have any style of like voice. Okay, Okay, let's give it a go. Welcome back to the Flex and Room Show. This is Rooms DJ Frooms. It's a pleasure to.

Have like that vibe? Why do you pretend to your man?

Have like that vibe? Why do you pretend to your man?

All right, let me try it from like from a check perspective. Hey, guys, welcome back to the show.

All right, let me try it from like from a check perspective. Hey, guys, welcome back to the show.

No, I want you to say, like talk as if you were in an argument. Oh yeah, not yeah, How would you use that voice in the context of de escalating?

No, I want you to say, like talk as if you were in an argument. Oh yeah, not yeah, How would you use that voice in the context of de escalating?

First, to just sum up, why what happens when you talk into this kind of like more calm voice is it will calm you down.

First, to just sum up, why what happens when you talk into this kind of like more calm voice is it will calm you down.

That's what's very important to always think.

That's what's very important to always think.

Oh, it calms the other person down. It will calm you down to it's giving nervous system regulation vibes, and then we get potentially to a better outcome for both parties. How would I use it an argument?

Oh, it calms the other person down. It will calm you down to it's giving nervous system regulation vibes, and then we get potentially to a better outcome for both parties. How would I use it an argument?

Yeah, because I can imagine in a corporate environment it would make sense, you know, if we're all yelling and we're getting excited to be like, okay, look, it seems like I'm seeing this from one perspective and you're seeing it from another perspective, and if we could just take a break for a second and slow down like that would work. It's appropriate. But if I was having a tense discussion with a friend and you put that voice on me, I'd be like, don't take the piss, because you would feel like they're trying to infantilize you, like they're trying to make you seem like you're the unstable one because they've musted all their energy to be calm totally. And that is a manipulation tactic. People try and make you feel crazier after you respond appropriately to them, and then they switch out and take their energy down, so now you look insane.

Yeah, because I can imagine in a corporate environment it would make sense, you know, if we're all yelling and we're getting excited to be like, okay, look, it seems like I'm seeing this from one perspective and you're seeing it from another perspective, and if we could just take a break for a second and slow down like that would work. It's appropriate. But if I was having a tense discussion with a friend and you put that voice on me, I'd be like, don't take the piss, because you would feel like they're trying to infantilize you, like they're trying to make you seem like you're the unstable one because they've musted all their energy to be calm totally. And that is a manipulation tactic. People try and make you feel crazier after you respond appropriately to them, and then they switch out and take their energy down, so now you look insane.

Yeah yeah, yeah, So I.

Yeah yeah, yeah, So I.

Think a way to do this if you ever had someone like fly off the hand layer and they're just like rabid beasts and there's nothing to come down there, like they're seeing red, I would like go a bit slower, but not in a way that's like a baby voice, like okay, you like you're feeling not great about that. I'd be like, okay, is that how you feel? Oh, and then take.

Think a way to do this if you ever had someone like fly off the hand layer and they're just like rabid beasts and there's nothing to come down there, like they're seeing red, I would like go a bit slower, but not in a way that's like a baby voice, like okay, you like you're feeling not great about that. I'd be like, okay, is that how you feel? Oh, and then take.

A second, take a beat. No, the girl's got scared.

A second, take a beat. No, the girl's got scared.

Yeah, no, he's different other than it. Take a beat, look at them, and I give them all the space, like really look at them and listen to them and say, yeah, I guess where I'm coming from, and like you just it's not like infantilizing them or like making them feel like their emotions aren't valid.

Yeah, no, he's different other than it. Take a beat, look at them, and I give them all the space, like really look at them and listen to them and say, yeah, I guess where I'm coming from, and like you just it's not like infantilizing them or like making them feel like their emotions aren't valid.

I have found that.

I have found that.

That is effective, particularly when like let's say someone does the blind like seeing red blind rage situation, Like they know that they're spinning out of control and they can't help it, so there will be a colmdown where they think, oh, damn, like I really got out of control.

That is effective, particularly when like let's say someone does the blind like seeing red blind rage situation, Like they know that they're spinning out of control and they can't help it, so there will be a colmdown where they think, oh, damn, like I really got out of control.

That I reckon.

That I reckon.

If you're like mid level anger, someone responding in this like calm way would piss you off because you're still escalating. But if you're at one hundred percent level Crimson red level crazy vibes, then I think you're not even hearing what I'm saying. So I'm not going to add to it by adding your energy. I'm just gonna like cop it and be like, you're doing this, and I know there's going to be some regrets in about ten minutes, I'll just let you finish.

If you're like mid level anger, someone responding in this like calm way would piss you off because you're still escalating. But if you're at one hundred percent level Crimson red level crazy vibes, then I think you're not even hearing what I'm saying. So I'm not going to add to it by adding your energy. I'm just gonna like cop it and be like, you're doing this, and I know there's going to be some regrets in about ten minutes, I'll just let you finish.

So it's more about protecting your energy, because I will say in this instance, I don't like the advice that tells you that in moments of conflict, your best next action is a redirect because you've gotten to this point for a reason. Nobody gets to the point of a screaming match unless it's a build up of something and you reach a boiling point. So now to apply this strategy of like and everybody bring your voices down and everybody chill, it negates the point of why you're at this place of conflict. If everybody, if every party involved, had the capacity to use those healthy communication techniques, probably wouldn't have been in the position for a de escalation, do you know what I'm saying. So that gets a little bit tricky for me because this person is he is an expert negotiator. I'm imagining it's like hostile takeovers. I'd say, so, yeah, so really serious. But you know, if Chris Voss is talking to a terrorist, for example, he's not the reason that that terrorist has done something. But in a situation where both parties are responsible, and both parties at ample time to get to a point before of negotiation, before you have to have this blow up, it feels strange to then put a lot of energy in like the tone of your voice, because it's like we're past that now, it's like this is breaking point. How do we find better ways to get our point a cross Because I think tone only accounts for only so much of it. What I think we struggle to do in moments of conflict is remember why we're arguing, not how we feel. So let's say I'm really pissed off that you and I are meant to go on a holiday and you missed your flight or something because your taxi was running late. Let's say that's the so like we've missed. We've both missed our flights, and there's not another flight for three days. We've got to pay another ticket. We could start fighting about I could be like, why are you late? You'd be like, why are you being so mean to me? And then we keep going in and in and in on our personalities, and then we get like extra loaded because now I'm bringing in something from six months ago, you bring something for five months ago. But then we've forgotten why are we actually arguing. The point is we're not on the flight and we need to get on the flight, so for now we need to work together. And then that's I think that's how you get out of an argument, like recognizing you're on the same team if you actually are on the same team, because I don't like to de escalate if we're not on the same team.

So it's more about protecting your energy, because I will say in this instance, I don't like the advice that tells you that in moments of conflict, your best next action is a redirect because you've gotten to this point for a reason. Nobody gets to the point of a screaming match unless it's a build up of something and you reach a boiling point. So now to apply this strategy of like and everybody bring your voices down and everybody chill, it negates the point of why you're at this place of conflict. If everybody, if every party involved, had the capacity to use those healthy communication techniques, probably wouldn't have been in the position for a de escalation, do you know what I'm saying. So that gets a little bit tricky for me because this person is he is an expert negotiator. I'm imagining it's like hostile takeovers. I'd say, so, yeah, so really serious. But you know, if Chris Voss is talking to a terrorist, for example, he's not the reason that that terrorist has done something. But in a situation where both parties are responsible, and both parties at ample time to get to a point before of negotiation, before you have to have this blow up, it feels strange to then put a lot of energy in like the tone of your voice, because it's like we're past that now, it's like this is breaking point. How do we find better ways to get our point a cross Because I think tone only accounts for only so much of it. What I think we struggle to do in moments of conflict is remember why we're arguing, not how we feel. So let's say I'm really pissed off that you and I are meant to go on a holiday and you missed your flight or something because your taxi was running late. Let's say that's the so like we've missed. We've both missed our flights, and there's not another flight for three days. We've got to pay another ticket. We could start fighting about I could be like, why are you late? You'd be like, why are you being so mean to me? And then we keep going in and in and in on our personalities, and then we get like extra loaded because now I'm bringing in something from six months ago, you bring something for five months ago. But then we've forgotten why are we actually arguing. The point is we're not on the flight and we need to get on the flight, so for now we need to work together. And then that's I think that's how you get out of an argument, like recognizing you're on the same team if you actually are on the same team, because I don't like to de escalate if we're not on the same team.

True, you choose, you know what I mean, like's if we're really on.

True, you choose, you know what I mean, like's if we're really on.

The same team and it's in our both our best interest to get this resolved, then.

The same team and it's in our both our best interest to get this resolved, then.

We actually have to work together. But if we don't, then just like be angry and move on.

We actually have to work together. But if we don't, then just like be angry and move on.

Okay.

Okay.

There's a lot of energy in trying to resolve situations that don't actually matter.

There's a lot of energy in trying to resolve situations that don't actually matter.

I feel like I need everything to be resolved. It's very I find it very hard to leave things aren't resolved.

I feel like I need everything to be resolved. It's very I find it very hard to leave things aren't resolved.

Yeah, I feel that way sometimes, But I've been on the receiving end of people who won't let things go, and you're like, you don't even care about me in this process, like you would so much so rather me be uncomfortable so you can make sure you feel better by the end of it.

Yeah, I feel that way sometimes, But I've been on the receiving end of people who won't let things go, and you're like, you don't even care about me in this process, like you would so much so rather me be uncomfortable so you can make sure you feel better by the end of it.

You know, when people you're talking, people kind of like you're okay, right, and we're good, we're good, right, and you're.

You know, when people you're talking, people kind of like you're okay, right, and we're good, we're good, right, and you're.

Like, I just got here, I'm still processing all give me a second. I don't even know if we're good. But you're not mad at me, right, Like that's fine, And you're like, are you one.

Like, I just got here, I'm still processing all give me a second. I don't even know if we're good. But you're not mad at me, right, Like that's fine, And you're like, are you one.

Of them, Mickey, No, I definitely think I'm on your team.

Of them, Mickey, No, I definitely think I'm on your team.

Flex when it comes to all this serious. Yeah, one hundred percent. I don't have time for fights. Yeah, that's not fun. It's keeping me up at night.

Flex when it comes to all this serious. Yeah, one hundred percent. I don't have time for fights. Yeah, that's not fun. It's keeping me up at night.

I'm not entering into it. Yeah, but I'm the kind of a minor agreement will be keeping me up at night, no vibe, don't you reckon?

I'm not entering into it. Yeah, but I'm the kind of a minor agreement will be keeping me up at night, no vibe, don't you reckon?

Yeah, it will keep But for example, like to have a minor agree, I don't fight for minor agreements. I will go moody, I my stonewall. I'll like take myself of the situation. I'm not having in a situation worth deescalating for something minor. If it's going to be major, then I need to assess. Is it for a reason we both care about? Like are we Is it going to be the reason why we're not friends any okay?

Yeah, it will keep But for example, like to have a minor agree, I don't fight for minor agreements. I will go moody, I my stonewall. I'll like take myself of the situation. I'm not having in a situation worth deescalating for something minor. If it's going to be major, then I need to assess. Is it for a reason we both care about? Like are we Is it going to be the reason why we're not friends any okay?

That matters. Is it going to be the reason why we don't go on our holiday? That matters.

That matters. Is it going to be the reason why we don't go on our holiday? That matters.

If it's one of these things where it bothers you but doesn't bother me, but now you feel upset.

If it's one of these things where it bothers you but doesn't bother me, but now you feel upset.

Here's an example.

Here's an example.

Let's say I'm hanging out with a friend at a party and I were in a group conversation. They've said something so offensive and it's really ruined the vibe, and everybody's upset. They've said something like sexist, homophobic, it's not good. They've turned to me and been like, why is it reacting weird? Like this always happens. I feel cornered by everyone.

Let's say I'm hanging out with a friend at a party and I were in a group conversation. They've said something so offensive and it's really ruined the vibe, and everybody's upset. They've said something like sexist, homophobic, it's not good. They've turned to me and been like, why is it reacting weird? Like this always happens. I feel cornered by everyone.

La la, la la. So I might say, here are all the reasons why blah blah blah blah blah. Let me get to a screaming match. Why you're my side? You meant to be my friend. I'm like, look, this is your fault blah blah blah blah blah.

La la, la la. So I might say, here are all the reasons why blah blah blah blah blah. Let me get to a screaming match. Why you're my side? You meant to be my friend. I'm like, look, this is your fault blah blah blah blah blah.

And then she's like, but in yours like this, and when you say things lata lah, and nobody ever tells you anything. And I'm so sick of everyone be on your side. Hold on, we're meant to be fighting because you did something wrong. So ideally I would say, okay, all good, I get it, But the fact of the matter is Susie it Salian say, Susie, Sally and Stacy are upset because you said something homophobic? Right, yeah? And so how are you going to make that better for them? And how should she not my business? I don't know this person to drop them, but in this instance, right, if they kept going like but no, like you were fine, right, We're not talking about that. We're not gonna be fine. If you don't go sort this out, like, don't derail the current issue because you want to feel better in this moment, so you have enough energy to go do the things you're meant to do. Go do that, resolve that, then circle back and make this better. It's like when villains turn into victims. Yeah, do you know that's what happens, a lot of times.

And then she's like, but in yours like this, and when you say things lata lah, and nobody ever tells you anything. And I'm so sick of everyone be on your side. Hold on, we're meant to be fighting because you did something wrong. So ideally I would say, okay, all good, I get it, But the fact of the matter is Susie it Salian say, Susie, Sally and Stacy are upset because you said something homophobic? Right, yeah? And so how are you going to make that better for them? And how should she not my business? I don't know this person to drop them, but in this instance, right, if they kept going like but no, like you were fine, right, We're not talking about that. We're not gonna be fine. If you don't go sort this out, like, don't derail the current issue because you want to feel better in this moment, so you have enough energy to go do the things you're meant to do. Go do that, resolve that, then circle back and make this better. It's like when villains turn into victims. Yeah, do you know that's what happens, a lot of times.

You need to de escalate.

You need to de escalate.

It's like you're forgetting, Like, if we're both villains, then let's not both be victims.

It's like you're forgetting, Like, if we're both villains, then let's not both be victims.

Let's be heroes. And that's on that. You've been listening to The Flex and Froom's daily podcast.

Let's be heroes. And that's on that. You've been listening to The Flex and Froom's daily podcast.

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