Welcome back to another episode a alchemy this I'm your host, Kevin Pollock, Yes that Kevin Pollock? What's that? Well? You know what, when the cows do come home, this comment of yours will seem rather tepid, won't it? But I digress. Let's meet an Optimists and no particular order? Shall we say hello to? But that's a raglan. You're trapped on a deserted island. What is the one collection of music? Oh, you'd like to have with you? Oh? These collections used to be called albums. It's much easier to ask. You know what. This is a really bad one for me. So you don't have a musical stylings that you particularly enjoy? Your eclectic? Your taste is eclectic. It's all over the place. Are you over Judy Garland? I love Judy? We kill each other on the island. Okay. Then the question shifts which one of us? And you have to say, Joey, would you like to make you a mixtape for the island? I have to say, that's right. The same song on Loop Grab your Shorts. Craig Atkowski is at the table, ka cow, what is your deserted island album? You know what? I'm saying album, so now it's no longer music could be anything. I think one of those Haunted House records of Spooky that way. Other people stay the funk off my Desert Island, that's the beauty. So uh is it desert island because it's a deserted island? What makes it a desert? They mean the same thing. Turns out, I think the British say desert, I mean deserted. So you thought your face, you thought you were in the UK for a moment. I know we've got a big UK listeners do who love the accidents? At least one of the same suggestions today is from the UK. Hold the bread between your knees. It's Chris Alvarado, Chris T. Brinkley of improv. What is your album of Desert Island? Man? All right, I'm just gonna say it. Just say yeah, that's Dr Dre's the Chronic boom Ka Boom cut the Grass. Because they're James Heeney, James g McGee the third. Care to share your albums? Yes, I do. It would be it would be that's all the time we have. It would be alive one from fish Okay, you know what it's a really good album. It's really good. I meant to ask you a question. Is that five hours long? It's it's longer than most albums. But should ever be how that so easily? See? You just jammed a lot of different sounds coming out of that. Do they do they have the nerve to name the tracks? Yeah, of course they do. There's different songs. No, they aren't different titles. Oh man, okay, God bless you for your choice. We live in a free society, or allowed to be wrong. And but may your car washby clothes if you think at least it's Joey Greer, joe to the Greer. Oh what is your album? You know? I'm I'm gonna go with your own new album? You know my I had to play my album Goodnight, which is on the Spotify itune Sam. If you did, I would strip myself immediately. I would forget that that's who I am. I forget that I'm listening to myself and then vow to kill the person on the album. And when I get back to civilization, I realized that that's me and I've I've already been dead. That's beautiful, you know what I mean? That makes sense or Limbiscuit, Anything by Limbiscuit. Those are my two albums. We'd like to invite you to become a v I P member of our new Patreon page. Bonus episodes not available to non members. Oh that's right, episodes seen available only to you. There's a phone number, and also that the just v i P s can call in, leave a message, or put in requestion or request whatever will reply at one of our regular meetups. We've got one coming up actually at the house where we do a live stream. Will tell you all about it on the social media's Uh, those are only available to v i P s All kinds of cool ship. So joined the super core fans by going to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this. All of today's scenes suggestions regathered from our listeners emails. If you would like to submit one, please write to the podcast that your name here at alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Our first scene comes from Dave, a Patreon v I P. I'm sorry, did I not mentioned that v I P s get priorities scenes suggestion into the queue? Because you do, Dave wrote, it made my day when you use my suggestion unibody body part group therapy. Yep, it's me, Mr Univall. I don't think I was here for that. You probably weren't. You might have been. Thanks for doing that one. Here's my new scenes suggested, brace Yourselves. Marvin mckugh as an advice call in radio show host, thanks for all the last checking his church Dave uh Marvin's So you just sit at the counter that you've got the headphones and the microphone, a firm view. That's all you gotta do, Will folle with the questions to you, and you just first thing that comes to your mind. Okay. And these real people calling in, they certainly are yeah, yeah, people from all over the world, by the way, not just the United States. Okay, so it might be a different time zone. It could in fact be a completely different time zone. Okay, so I should adjust to that. You don't have to adjust anything. I'll just shoot your question while play the person's asking the question, and then you just first thing comes to your mind. Okay, good, because I have a lot of advice to give you. That please. That's we had a lot of life experiences. That's why we've hired you. Good good, or they've hired you. I'm just the engineer. My name is Doug, Babe. So let's uh when you're ready to give me a thumbs up. M that's not really a thumb. Okay, well, I my thumb is mangled. So hello him? Am I on the air. Oh here's our first caller? Yes, your stage, your name please, and where you're calling from. Hey, my name is Donny Carter. I'm calling from Downey, California. Okay, Mr Carter, what question do you have from Marvin? Well? Quick little backstory? My wife and I are well, we've lost the spark frankly, and I just don't want to lose her. She's a great woman. I just don't baby, Baby, I'm ordering pizza. I'm ordering pizza. I'll make this quick if you get something with pepperoni. No, no, no, no, that's not that's not my question. My question is how do I bring the fire back to the bedroom? Bring the used to have a fire there? No, sir, one second, baby, please? I need I need, I need an answer, I need it quickly. She's getting angry and I want to suite her and make sweet sweet love to her. Please give me lastly's coming over. We're going out you're staying at home. Can I come? Now? Well that's the issue, isn't it. Yeah? I can't come. Thanks for nothing. Look, look Danny dunny him. It's okay, Marvin. We got another call. Okay in the queue here for you call. Yeah, as it turns out good one. Uh your name and where you're calling from? Place by um sean turtle neck, no relation to the actual clothing one um from I'm calling. I'm from Raleigh, North Carolina, but I'm calling from New York, New York, right outside and right outside, right outside now, and I have a quick time is it there? Right now? It's it's like six What time is it? Everybody? It's three eighteen? Okay, So should I call back? Or how did this? Well? I just want should I call back? Or is there Doug b What do we do? We'll just go ahead with the question. Uh, well, this is a time sensitive question. I don't uh if we're not on the same time, I don't know what. Okay, Well, let's synchronize. I watching. Are you analog or digital? Okay? I am digital? All right, So this is gonna be one two. Okay, what do you see now? I see right now? It is off I just turned my watch also off. All right, I don't know what time it is. That's good. We don't know what time it is, so both What is your question? Question is actually more of a statement. It's actually more of a statement. But all phrase as a question. We can handle that phrase as a question. That's all right, just to do it upward inflection. You got it. Red socks, Raleigh, I'm not wearing socks right now. When we socks, I'm in New York. When Raleigh, when I wear when I wear socks, I do prefer red socks. All right, I am in socks is a sponsor of the Marvin MQ Show for many years. I'm in New York. I'm a New York guy. Sox. We do all the thinking for you. Why I choose a color when it's red red sox? All right? Marvin? Alright, I remember, Marvin, if you'd like to save one of these calls, were set up a special bank and you can name the bank whatever you want. Okay, So for playing back later. We live on the air now we are okay, yeah, great, So everyone's hearing you giving me notes. I don't think these are notes. I'm taking them his notes. Yes, Yes, is Marvin m you're on the You're in the Marvin MQ. I'm in the cure. I'm on the show. You're on the show. I know you. I'm disguising my voice. I'm trying to Okay, so, uh well, I didn't expect you to guess so fast. What time is it where you It's three nineteen? All right, we are in sync. Okay, it's a pizza on the way. What do you got? What you got? Where you are? Where are you calling from? My house? Sure? And your name? It's a condo? Is that Italian? Is this Marie condo? Oh? I wish, I hope I could spark joy I'm calling. I'm calling because I have a crush on someone. I don't know how to tell them. Okay, that's tough. He has beautiful ankles. Hm. You know people often compliment me on my ankles when I'm not wearing my red socks. Yeah, what what else is about it? Is true about him? What else is true about him? What a beautiful question. He's a poet, he's but his feet show it. They're longfellows. Oh poetry related puns? Am I go to mom? I I see this fellow at the library on Wednesday. Did I go to the library on Wednesdays? Is this is this fellow you're talking about me? If it was question, how would I get you? How do I get you? Is that the question? That's my question? Get off the jug. Well, next time you're at the library, and maybe you need to send the signal I've been trying. What are some of the signals you've said? I have you ever noticed the lady with no teeth? Okay, so you just want to check this up for two days? You want to check this up? Please quiet down, don't tell me the show. Do you hold onto my shirt? Let go? What are you doing, freak? I'm trying to check out a book I need. I need this sex guide. Okay, this is an advice show. Now I'm I'm out of the law business. Don't need to check this out. This is just a pamphlet of safe sex. Fact take this old karens are sex? I love it? Do I still refer to you? Okay? I don't remember that. Well, well, I apologize if I treated you that way. It's okay. I I was trying to create a scene. I didn't deserve your attention, but I'd love to deserve your attention. Marvin. It sounds like you've acquired teeth. I've gotten to my nephew. Oh you got his teeth. No, I wish those are great, they're young. These are fake. Well, I think you can kiss just the same regardless, right, I can kiss better with him out Marvin, Marvin, we were listening to your radio show. I got pretty pretty fucked up. If I could just be honest with you. Okay, you got pretty hot again? Well subjective it was Red Sox upset. The Red Sox is through the roof. All right, they're pulling sponsorship. Okay, oh no, oh yes, are you think we're gonna have our product on this fucking station? I understand, man, understand. Started sweet, it went sexy, it got filthy. Understand. Look, we're doing a live radio show here. Okay, it's three eighteen. Alright, we're doing the best weekend. You talked to that motherfucker? Hey, Dave, keeping my office for a second. Yeah, what's up? Yeah, you're in charge of the Red Sox campaign, right, yeah? On radio? On radio? Yeah? Have you heard the Marvin MQ show. Well, they did a Red Sox ad. No, okay, So my wife and I are driving a dinner last night and this thing. I get it. You're married. Yeah, I don't mean to bring it up every time you do. I'm sorry about it. You're not married. Wish I was right, so I started interrupted. I'm just taking orders for for chicken or do you want roach of chicken? Because I do, because you're married, I wanted you're not married' not married? What do you mean? I'm not married? So just chicken for us. I'm married, the marriage. I get some food, right, I'll be back in a minute. Okay, so what's up? Yeah? The ads are horror the live reads yea horrible. You need to talk to whoever is in charge of the station that he works out because my wife is humiliated. Oh yeah, exactly. I can't have that again to read those ads A real proa by the name of I don't know his fucking name. Okay, this is all right. Listen to people, all right, Like we run a business here. Everyone's got to be married. Are you married? All right? Everyone got to be married? Why did you look at me? I'm married. I'm looking at everyone. You were looking at me talking to you. I'm just respect you know that I'm married, ted and my wife is in Canada right now. I know that, all right, and uh Clark, Uh, well, I'm I'm I'm just trying to find the right person. It's I've dated and the thing is married. He was you were married. I was very shortly married, but it was it was kicking my leg or what are you doing? Sure, don't kick my leg? Why don't don't? It's bruising. It's hard to be married, it is. But we're a company myself sucks to married people. For Mary, all right, you married a nut, Clark, I'm no longer married. All right, we have one last call for you. I'm stepping in for Doug Paine, who don't worry about it. Where's call for you? And we're going live. My name's Ebert and I live in Laramie, Wyoming. Um. My wife, my wife has been burying things in the backyard and there's people missing in our neighborhood. What time is it there there? I mean it's four or fifteen? Okay, Oh, that's strange. It is strange. Did you not do you not have one of those devices that automatically resets for daylight saving? No, it doesn't, it doesn't. Okay, it's a wall clock I'm looking at and I can't reach it. Alright, half you're wrong. Do you have it like a step ladder? You can get on? Sure? Okay, I'll give you time to get the step. Close your eyes. I'm dragging something through here. I don't want you to see it. Okay, all right, I wish did you buy the bleach I asked for? Yeah, they're bleaches under the sink. Thank you. I'm sorry. That was my wife. She was tragging some garbage bags across the floor. And you want to know where the bleach was. So all your poisons labeled, Well, I don't know if bleach is really a poison. Try drink against see how that goes. I'd prefer not to, but I'll give it a ship that was that was being facetious. Don't drink the bleach? Well, is there a difference between something being poisonous and being poisoned? Mr MQ. You realize you're in some hot water. Yes, this is very relaxing. Well, we wanted to relax before we sort of let you know the scope of Parca. Enjoy this hot time. So maybe your last So I'm sorry. I'm like to please do not talk to my client until we have spoken. He's a former he has a former jud right beyond, Jared, your client got forty people to drink bleach. They think themselves. I double there you on the air, and people can be dead triple times if they'd like. My client is a four judge. Jared's my roy Cone. Well, I don't, I don't. Hey, Cindy thinks for coming back to my place. I a quick little nightcap for us, if that's cool. Well, I was listening to a radio show and I got a little tip about something that might be spicy. Okay, give me one second. Okay, close your eyes. Okay, Sean, what the hell? What do you do in my apartment? Dude? You said like a crash or what I need to hear? Can I help? In my eyes? Eyes closed for one Secon brought a date hearing me. I want to open my eyes. Just hold on real quick. What the hell is it? What do you have? Any of course? I got bleached? Want to drinking it? Almost man with the help? Fine, Okay, this is my but he's my butler. He's my butler. Curious, I need this, I work out need this. He's my butler. And I was he was gonna make this up a drink? Yeah, can I and how does that concern me? Exactly? Because ultimately they drank the bleach well I said on the show, I'm being facetious. Don't drink bleach. I had to step back, triple dogs. Excuse me, excuse me. I had to step out for a minute. I did not hear what you said. Okay, so I am back now all right? Where did you go to go out? I had to excrete myself, Thank you very much. I didn't want tolf Yes I did. Okay, you're an embarrassment. Am. I won't even pass the bar. No, I didn't, but I got over it. Now let me tell you something right now. It's a reptilian. He's gonna ship his skin like every hour. I can't help that. I'm from a different planet. But I'm like you. Your lawyer isn't a lawyer. He isn't lawyer? Galaxies. Where's the hologram part? I don't see any hologram points? Do you have one? Can we get a hologram port? I don't run the case SPA and there is no hologram port that I'm aware of. Excuse me. My tail is full enough. Can we get more bubbles here? There should be bubbly. I'm again. I don't run the case, hit the bubble buttons. You're in big trouble, Marvin. We have time for just one more call. Great, great, So I'm back on the air. You are, yes, of course, good. Yeah, we've we've been on the AirLand this whole time. Of course. Yeah. But my mind has been wondering. Yes, there's a calling now, Yes you are. You're on with Marvin mcque. The butler and the guy is dating there on the floor, and he said, okay, okay, i'd call a poison control center. What's happening. What happened? Yeah, you'll know what's to do. They were making a night cocktail, a cock to nightcap, and the butler. The butler was wearing boxes and he was reaped, and I was like, oh my god, and I like I was gonna cheers, and I cheers, but I didn't drink it. You just from a dream, I don't think. So you're describing things that were happening. Now, it happened like three minutes at all. Where are you calling from. I'm calling from Alaska. Oh what time is it? There? To fifteen? Wow? That is early, it's late. It's okay? Is still light out. It's always like that, when is it going to be night? Marvin? And why is the butler dying? So the question first and foremost is when is it going to be nice? Well, uh, okay, I think six months, Like if wait six months, it's gonna be nice. Okay. And then the butler question, Oh he's dead? Are you curious how she has a butler? I don't have a butler. Actually I was on a date. It was the second so I go back to the guy's place. But it wasn't It was his place, but the butler was there. But the butler was in a mood. But now, but now every they're both. I just moved to Lasco last month, and this is like not what I wanted. Okay, I'd get out of there. Okay. It sounds like the call, rather than to the Marvin MQ Show is to nine one one. Can you do that? Sure? I can switch you over? Okay, hold for nine one one operator? Please? No one too? Oh no, I'm trying to call one forget great? Can you transfer me? Yeah? I guess what his name? Want to do? Can you help me this? Of course I can help you. No one to Okay, I'm in Alaska. There's two dead people here? Can I write this down? To go on? What are you writing it? I'm running down to dead people? What else you need? Quickly? A pen? Yes, I'm more of a computer. We don't get that kind of well, well, well if it isn't the nine one two pussies just trying to do. Is our cafeteria one boys here, the real emergency boys. Sometimes sometimes they need an overflow and we do a good job with it. Oh is that right? Who told you to get out of here? You little son of a bitch? Alright? Pop? Quiz that one too? Someone gets shot? What do you do? Write it down? So alright, that's pretty good. Okay, so you got one right? What about fucking building fire? Second? There's a building fire caused by fucking Is that what you're saying? What are you talking about? We don't. We don't. I never said you did. I don't even. We don't even we both have we hold up. Let's let's write this down. Okay, I'm gonna write this now. No, no hull came right now? Is a friendly hug? Is that? Okay? Make a note of that fucking hug. Fucking huck, fucking huck. No, excuse me, librarian, I wouldn't renew this sex pamphlet. Yes, again, it's just a pamphlet. Excuse me, excuse me. I'm trying to renew this sex family. You don't need to renew it. It's it's just a hello. Oh, I dropped my teeth. Excuse me when I picked him up? And I'm going to call look great, down on my butt hole? Man, I'm gonna call security. No, you're not what is this monstrosity? Marguerite one one? You can? Can you transform your nine one to well? Do really quick? Be sure I can't help you out. Maybe there's a woman over here's one for sure, alright, and we're transferring now. Hello, Okay, there's no one on the line. It's still me. I think I think I can handle it. So you're not well, there's a woman here who dropped her teth and she's showing her but it's hard, that's but but but how can I help you you by transforming? And I want to please, all right, find trans right now? Thank you? Yes, I have a woman here is showing her teeth and her buttle showing her teeth, she's losing her teeth and then her buttles being shown picking my ankles. I just need someone, Okay, let me just quick. I'm a little confused, but whole teeth and I can't think of a better way transition to a live read ADS. It's gonna be super excited to find themselves placed so gently. I believe Chris, you're going to leave us a yeah, that's right, because listen, here's the deal. Casper products are cleverly designed to mimic human curves. 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Uh now, Joey, I'm gonna come to you for this personal experience because you guys got a Asper mattress. We did, so roll out the process for us. Please get the box all right, it shows up at your shows up at your door. Crazy, pop it open, the mattresses in there, and then in there it's rolled up. It's insane, it's nuts. And then you cut it open and the mattresses there and just throw it on your box room or wherever you got before, wherever it's a mattress and you sleep on it immediately. It's fantastic. Immediately. Yeah, you can go to bed right then and there. It's crazy. That is a little bananas. Here's good news. Also, get a hundred dollar towards select mattresses by visiting Casper dot com slash alchemy. We're looking after our listeners. We want you to be a part of this process, so please take advantage of this offering use alchemy at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. That's a hundred dollars towards Select mattresses by Casper dot com slash Alchemy, and thank you for supporting this show. Alright, let's start with CE number two. I've got your attention? Hey why not? Um? Oh this is good. This actually comes from Realm from the UK, who who wrote, Hi, I have been listening to you guys show for quite a while. Now I have you guys to thank for keeping me sane during soul crushing finals, and now that I've graduated, I guess we get credit for that, right right, soul crushing work. Joking. I love my job really, Mostly, I have to say, it amazes me still how much you guys are able to derail every single scenario that suggested. I mean, for example, a kid's TV show ending with a psychological damage nine year old who thinks he's an octopus unintentionally killing himself. I think we all remember that, right enough, set, I find myself pondering about various scenarios to pitch, and then he offered like seven different choices. I chose the one least like any other scene would ever done before. And it goes like this. An alien couple who has spent a lifetime watching Earthlings finally lens and tries to pest themselves off as human. Keep doing what you guys do best, m from England. All right, so this is the last house we're gonna show you. This looks fantastic. Yeah. Um, as you can see, the entryway is quite sizeable, are you? I'm just I love this house. I would love to cook food that I will eat with my mouth and digestive system here. Look, I'm a lawyer, okay, and I want to get this house. What kind of law practice? In several galaxies? Okay? I don't want to yes, all right, I don't want to brag. Have you ever noticed when you're eating food that your taste buds on your tongue can help you taste the food. I love that about my body. Are you guys? Hungry? That your way of saying I would love to eat you. I would love to rip your flesh from your body to me, and we'd love to eat food at the grocery. Yeah. Do you want to see some of the bedrooms? And there's upstairs only we bring our own pods. I sleep upside down and I sweat in the night a riot. Okay. So that was to number two's and you still haven't told me your drink order yet. I probably, uh what slurpian a slurpie? You know what we've done. No, no, no, no, no, span babe, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? We wanted to live here? Yeah, yeah, okay, so I made concession. Yet, yeah, I said I was gonna tearrible lot to be able to breathe this oxygen. Yet I recognize that accident. You can't say that, of course I can say that. Of course, two of the most popular human drinks on the menu. Okay, yes, where are you guys from Jersey? I'm from a galaxy far oh man. I recognize that anywhere from the hotpoon system. Ye. Do you know many cases I got back on the hotpoon system? They don't do this. I'll do this this right, do right? Two? Number two is too human drinks and uh napkin to wipe holes and from our skin is gonna fall off. We do not need a napkin. We have to use a napkin. Okay, here, it's all it's outside here, it's thirteen forty two. Please you'll see that couple over there by the counter. Yeah, they're bad, they're they're just are you looking at them? Well, I mean undernath their skin looks like you talk to us anymore for us an the restaurant. I'm just saying there's some creeping family for us. I'm not oh my, because I got two jobs now, I'm too good for y'all home. I think that's something that's going on. Also, because you got the Dr Phil vitamins. Look, I can afford what I can afford, or you can buy your own damn Dr Watch. I ain't God, dammit, Claire, I'm not gonna be a city bitch like that. All right, I'm I'm dad. You're scaring us. Look, no one believes that you saw a sliging saucer. No one believes it's from a harpoon galaxy. No one believes you can feel the the electro mechantic waves and energy. We love you, We love you. I know what I saw, Okay, And I'm sorry. If I'm ruining Thanksgiving, you're not ruining it. We're just we're scared. We're scared that you're losing your mind. You're you're scared. I'm scared they're infiltrating our town. And I'm scared that the sweet potatoes are getting cold. So let's just Stacy, You're not blood family, Okay. I cannot listen to you say that door. Hello, how do you do? Oh? Yeah, look, I just needed tomorrow some turkey because we sell break. You know what I can do one better. We can borrow you some turkey inside, borrow me something turkey inside. Hey, Hi guys, Okay, okay, sorry, we're sorry about this. The aliens that came right out of that flying point at me. I don't know. This is our grandfather. He's my dad. Some sweet potato pie. I do it with marshmallows, but I got another version without marshmallows in the oven. It can go either way. I would like to eat that grandfather's eyes. It might be my eye. He's he's a lawyer. But it's not funny. All right. A couple of things. My dad, his grandfather, is not feeling well today. Okay. Also, Cyndy over here is not actually related to us. She's a family friend. That's a family friend. I am married. Still. Grandpa's money, that's what's really happening. I love him, we have been married for thirty eight years. I'm not after his money. He doesn't have money. All right. Oh here comes mom turkey money here it is. Everybody, be careful. This is very hot Grandpa. You usually uh, you usually cut the turkey, don'ty, We will just eat it as is. Usually they're obviously a question. Who's got ten fingers on their hands? Look at all that we have so much in common? You did, but she ate that one off last night like an idiot. You're supposed to keep him all. That's what they do, keep getting the way of my goddamn nor my hands. We gotta here at the Sclusive family, we say grace before we eat. Mom, he just ate the whole fucking turkey, and I'm we're you know what, We're not going to let that ruin. Thanks getting to thank I got that extra sweet potato canst rolling, Yeah, thank you, thank you everybody for coming to Um. I saw an alien and no one's believed me and my family anonymous. What's the acronym of game for that alien? I saw an alien and no one believes me and my my family anonymous. So uh, I just want us to know that everyone here is in a safe place and that um you know, if you know, what are you gonna do to stop him? Well, I mean it's cold listening right now that we're building. I feel like that's what it is. Uh, and sir, I have a you don't don't need to say into the background. Um, but uh yeah, so uh you know, I think I think the best thing we can do to stop and just make sure that that we stay human. You know, I think that's a great idea. Look, as the treasurer of the I S A A N B M A, I feel that we could use a little more funding, a little more funding for therapy, for therapy. I have a question. So, like one of your frowns, I'll talk about saying my son, comma alien. They're also taking these rominans that I got off to. Man. They like that, man, and they like that. You know, I'm not I'm not a goddamn alien because I'm all right. Can we break it up? Actually, she does bring up a good point. I think we should all care do the proof or not an alien movement? Obviously we know aliens cannot uh clap, so clap. I don't know, I don't know how they're made. Okaye, claps go around the room, clops go around the room. All right, we are safe. We're safe. Well, they can touch their hands together, they just don't have rhythm. That's exactly right. Welcome. So I guess the clap is kind of I never considered clap rhythm. That's always more than who's here? Ever seen the movie The Thing? Corrosa film critic? Anyone ever seen the Thing? Everybody has unlock paths of lifestyles. You're the poor sum of bit I've ever seen my goddamn alright, alright, no more? You know the I S A A, N B M A is a place of support. Now we have a new member who walked in. We'd like to hear his name. Welcome him. He sounds like an alien, by the way, he's not welcome. That's a good one. My name is Rick. I live right here in town. Uh uh, I live on Waveland. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Should we go? Should we do the meeting there? Why we're all here? Now? Why wouldn't we go to another place? It's probably actually got a recline? Or won't you Rick? Anyway, I'm not sure if this is the right meeting. I think it might be. Are you feeling pressure from your family? Do they not believe the things that you've seen? Well, they didn't. But then two aliens came to dinner and clearly revealed themselves of alien and now people in my family. Yeah, listen, you can't. You can't walk BArch into this, into the sacred room and then lie to our faces. Alien did his ass what they look like? Well, they look like people. Okay, what would it tell tales that? Well one of them sucked an entire turkey into his mouth? What my mouth? I'm a serman, you know what? Maybe you were right, sir. Maybe this isn't the place for you. Which group is this? Damned? You look so upset? Did they not believe you at the meeting? No? I need now to join a support group for but it sounded like the perfect group of people. You were right? How much more right can we tell you you were? Those aliens should get the funk out of our neighborhood. Thank you, Thank you for always on his side for what it's worth it. Maybe your stepmother, Becky, you are my own age, Okay, so I don't want to call your stepmother. Well I've been around for thirty four years, so yeah, you're thirty four years old. That's great. I'm so em kidding. I'm kidding. That wasn't funny? Well, would you know what else to say? That wasn't funny? Okay, that wasn't funny. Thank you do command coming into aliens. Please receive communication. Yeah, we got it. Communication. You have six hours. Still everything goes there a issue with the transmission. There seems to be some break in between that would want kaboom kaboom. We need a big kaboom in six hours? M or is the kaboom being generated by an external aliens? External external aliens doing this message? Who's that messages? It's me scorn. Yeah, ship must be going down if you doing messages? All right, get up my back. Six hours till kabood? Score? Can you came him into my office? But yeah, what's up? Um? I just read the transcripts back from the message you sent down to clinking and spanking on the earth surface. Yeah, yeah, what's this kaboom? I'm not great at my job. Well, my uncle works here, obviously you know him, and he's given me a shot. Yeah yeah, No, Reggie's the reason you got this job. There's no question about that. I'm not confident in my abilities. Well let's work on that. That's what I'm trying to do. Yeah. So the first thing I would do is take your hands away from your mouth. Oh yeah, see now you can speak a little more freely. Try to take a boom now ka boom see much less. Uh. Look, I can't just get you a job. Okay, I've got you got another nephew or whatever the funk it is in there. Okay, so just do your work and if you get it, if you get up, you get up. All right. Let me get some more terse and crystals please? Thank you? Are you married? Yes, I'm married. Yes. Look, if you want a job, you're gonna have to get it yourself. I can't just keep pushing family members through. All right. I need a job. You're gonna have to get it your uncle. Can I get some more rise and crystals? Uncle from a third reptile? Okay, we're not that close. No, my mother said that you guys were so close and then you had that balling out and I need it all well we fell out. Okay, I ate two birds this morning. Can I get some tursey and crystals? Please? All right? Just follow my lead. Hi, we're aliens. Um. Can we order a number dash dash dash Yeah, I'll have a dash dash dash as well. This is going well, this is going well. Get shirt? Uh? Yes, please? Do you want to take this one phil that went well, that went well, that's somehow he understood me. No, we are in okay, now we have five hours, gets you boys a drink? Yeah, we'll take the most popular alien drinks. You got it. We're not from Earth. Nope. Five hours until we made this whole place go operation boom. We were trusted with this gig. Okay, this looks delicious, This does look good. I don't do we put it in our mouths? Excuse me? Where does this go? What do you mean that's right? Are you asking? If it just it's because it's kind of gassy and floating and I wasn't you know, we'll just pull out your nipple tube? Right? Does you want to try something? I have to have his appens. We can't access our our nipple. To access your nipple tupes for you boys us a few dolls extra access to nipple. But we don't have a nipple tube. That's the bad part. American dollars right right, of course, not American dollars that would be observed. Let me take that. Yes, I have it. Okay, well, also have you with me? If you want to access your nipple tubes, you're gonna have to what's going on? Everything? Alright, Crystal? Now these are trying to access you know, they want me to access to the nipple tubes because they say they keep tailors all the time. The gas stuff is flowing, and he's trying to give me American currency and he's talking about I don't have American Let me see your back hooks are back hooks? All right? Jig's up? We accelerate. What were you coming? Puss the ball for our final scene today. It comes from Haley, who wrote, my sister and I finally convinced our widowed mother to move closer to us. After two years of bugging her, she finally put her house on the market. The problem is she put it on the market for twice what it's worth. We asked her to rethink it, but she refuses. Also recently informed me that she does not plan to leave the house when potential buyers come to view, and will just move to the next room when they come in. She said. I told her that was insane, and now she's mad at me. I would love to hear a funny spin I'll bet you would on this really frustrating situation. I recently got a promotion, so I can't listen to podcasts all day at work anymore like I used to. But I've kept Alchemy this on my list of faiths, and I always listen when I can keep up the good work. Thanks Alchemists. Haley from Austin, uh So, we're going to show you the house. This looks like an r V. This looks like an r V. There is no way there's three bedrooms. I don't want to have a bad attitude, but I'm not gonna waste my time going into this mobile. We can afford what we can afford, and we can afford this. We try to enjoy that train card design. Cute. It's on a foundation. You'll be able to own the land for ninety nine years. What shill certainly will be your lifetimes. What happens what happens at the end of the term. But wait a second, don't even think about that. Shouldn't it just be ours to give to our kids? Sure, and they can have it to the end of the ninety nine years, and then it will come back to the state. To the state. Is this a rental? No, No, let's purchase. But the land itself is always owned by the This is our first time homebuyers. And that's fine, that's fine, head. I didn't understand. It doesn't make a lot of sense. I understand, But we'll walk you through the whole process. Let's go in and take a look. I do have to tell you when we go inside. Well, god, damn, looking at here, huh. I was just about to tell them that your mother's would probably let me tell you something right now, don't have any Dr Phil pills, all right. That's just gonna ruin your bank accounts, gonna ruin your skin. Look at this. This is Dickie. He's the owner's son. Much chess. Look at this chess. Yeah, he will not be here time. He won't be here when you own the house. He's just here now. So you gotta look past a few things. I'm planning on din here before y'all come in, and I'm gonna burying myself on the property, all right. Dickie recently started a profession as a stand up comedian. Is this some of your material? Not? Yeah, I don't want to burn what I do for free, just off your comedy albums. So this is the foyer, I guess. Yeah, we're in the fire now and again, Dickie won't be here when you want. Okay, this is larger than I thought it would be from the outside. Please don't touch any of those standing pools water, thank you very much. I hadn't noticed those. Um there's there seems to be a little plumbing issue over here. This, it turns out not plumbing issues. That sounds like a plumbing issue of just recently redone all I mean plumbing. If it's mine, I think we should. Yeah, I think we should. Thank you so sure you the master sweet, it's pretty outstanding. Tell you what before you go, and I'm fine if you want to go. We want to take a peek at the Master Swite. It's it's what we call the closer. Okay, all the way out here? Are you sure? Show us the Master Swiss down this hole. It's a longer hole than I can get from the outside. Just really looks like an RV, I know, but it's it's big. I didn't know you could fit so many reptiles in here. Feast your eyes on the Oh my god, oh my god, that smell. Smell. I mean, the view is beautiful, but the it's a it's a over a while ago overwhe Yeah, it's a human carcass. You're smelling right there. Oh my god, thank you for the We got everybody in my past but lost another one. Okay, this is great. You know I'm trying to sell your mom's place because that's what she wants. Yeah, exactly, So I need help from the family. You got it. I said, y'all could come in and when we appreciate that because you get Dickie to go somewhere else. No, no, he lives here, I understand. And also the urine puddles. If there's anything we can do with the urine puddles, I could tell him to try to make it more in the corner. That's a start, you know what, That's a start. I've got the oh my goodness to out front. They gotta be out front by now. Please don't no the next if you lock it down, the fants are fucking here, sweetheart. I think this purchase will save our marriage. Frankly, I'm looking for anything to save the marriage. Well, you were also looking for your secretary and you found her. Look that's in the past, Cynthia. That's not happening anymore. Okay, I cut it off. She still were for me, but we're not sleeping together. Are you looking at each other? Well, occasionally we have to look at each other and yeah, well this will help. Buying a new home will help a fresh start. Okay, I love you. I'm hello. Hello, Hello, Okay, great, I'm sorry, I'm late. Sorry, I'm late. I hear the turners. Yes, where are the turners? Martha? Martha? And great? So sorry I realized I called you Cynthia earlier. My secretary's name. I'm sorry, Martha. Yes, this is my wife, Martha, my secretary name Cynthia. She's not here to do the time. And I'm letting it slide because that was Call me on it. Call me on it the next time I do it. Sorry, I gotta take I gotta take this. Okay. Well, so hey, having some problems at the office. Oh do I need to be there if I'm gonna get fucked? Okay, okay, I'm I just got to do this. I'm gonna do this thing for Cynthia, I mean, Martha. I love it when you call him my name. It's legitimately alright. So I was just okay, just telling Martha that, um. The home itself is it's actually built in nineteen twenties by the architect, the HP HP HP the architect built it. Yes, so you're gonna know some things aren't as aligned as they should be. But the aesthetic is gorge So it's a it's a natural history monument. It's a natural Yeah, yeah, I do, I do. I sorry, I I do. Gotta get to the office pretty soon. What do you do? What do you do? I'm I'm alwayer. Oh fantastic. I love law all right, so I'll make excuse me. And it was littally inappropriate and I'm not trying to be rude or start anything. But we're in a rocky position right now, and you being flirty doesn't help the situation. Just show us the house, okay. So yeah, we're hoping that buying this house will save our marriage. Great, you must get that. A lot that happens, A lot that happen a lot. Have you seen it work? Yes? Yes, so, yes, it works. I'm sorry, I gotta, I gotta take this. Yes, so, hey, I got a big problem. Oh well, what's the problem? I got an empty body? Cavity? Oh which cavity is it? There's actually three? Three? Alright, mine wondering. So I'm gonna need you to get over here and fill these suckers up. Okay, all right, okay, I just gotta do this thing for I don't actually care about the square footage. I'm looking for a marriage repair. Okay, just catching up here, What did I miss? So we're just going over the other bones of the of the home, just so you know who are they? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, okay, says Mrs Williams. Okay, she is one of the home woman thing. It's a live human is a live Mrs Williams. So, God, it's like they've seen seven. There's smoke committed. Yes, she's a smoke her. So this home is owned by her and just because of hops, I am about to Mrs So, she's in hospital. She can't be moved. Okay, she's got to stay inside the like HP Lovecraft. Yes, did you know you're familiar with She's always thought of people knew him to lose the master of the basement. Don't go downstairs, that's right. So the basement it's a little flooded, and uh, it seems that there is an abyss down there. We've we sent a drone and it's gone down hundreds and hundreds of feet without everyone will take it. Okay, we're trying to say great, Yes, you got to get to the office. There's some there's a lot of holes that need to be filled. Baby, Thank you for taking the first step. I appreciate it. Three exactly. I definitely know what two of them are. Mr Turner. Mr. Can I just talk to you before you get into your office? Yes? Yes, what what? What is it? I just want to say, I thank you so much for helping me with my case. Thank you so much help. When was that? When did I help you last week? Right? Good? You got me off paying ten thousand dollars I mean so much to me. Okay, but then you gotta pay us? Right well I already did. Yes, of course you did you. I took my fee and gat So what did you want? I just wanted to thank you so much. I really, I'm sorry. I gotta get it. I understand that you under staying that. Sorry. I just just thank you again. You are so kind and such a The butt is one of them. Sorry. Sorry, I'm so just thinking. Okay, uh, just can I get your ear for just a second. I got this case. I just can't get the ear. Interesting, I just can't close this case. Yeah, I need a little help of the closing argument, is what I'm saying. Have you tried Frankly versus Arkansas? Yes, that's perfect. There you go, Thank you so much, Mr Turner. It's just that I've got I've got to take the rest of the day off because I've got to go to the dentist and get this cavity. Yes, good, good, take the rest of the day off. Yes, okay, Hey you lawyer boy, Hey, get the funk out of my way. Hold on, hold my eye fell out? Okay, j Yeah, all right, and I gotta just opened to alien stick your eye and yeah they did. God dave me the first time. We've got a class action suit going on right now. But there's there's a hot shot guy coming in from Galaxy seven. You know they have an alien lawyer represent well, of course they do, I guess. So well, anyway, do you mind about just gonna sack up here and just take a little nap outside your front door cooler? Sure? Yeah, as long as you're outside. What it surpleause you? If I told you? Okay, are you in side my head right now? You will forever be tortured for your no. No, oh god, I'm glad you're moved here, alright cthi cthing out here? Oh god, what did you do? What happened to happen? So Martha feel free, of course to bring in whatever referring do you want, but it would have to be on top of Mrs Williamson's furniture. And there's been a little issue. Okay, my husband's gone missing. Okay, but you're still gonna pay for the home. Well if there's no if there's no husband, then there's no marriage, and there's no marriage, that there's no home. Okay, I just all right, okay, yeah, that's fine. It's not fine, and that's okay to say it's not fine. It's not fine because I needed this. I need what do you need? I just needed to sale. Do you need the money? Yeah? I have had a lot of money. I'm not gonna take your money. I'll give your money. I just don't have a great love. And that's something I'm coming to terms with. What is what do you love myself? For the first time that why don't you spend money on that? Well, the first thing I want to buy is whatever you want to own? Money buy you something? Is this house on the market I'm sorry interrupting. Nothing nothing, nothing, Yes, this house is on the market. It was actually just put up. It's a great place. I only have one handkerchief. Can you guys share it to wipe your eyes? It's a great place. Are you married? I'm no, I'm not married, but I'm looking for a little place to make my own. We're all looking, we're all looking. What's happening? I think a love connection. You want to marry you and I want to marry you. Can you? What do you say? You're a single woman? I'm a single woman. Colored you around the air? What's what's your problem? I'm in the triple marriage in a hunted house, and we have our furniture stacked on the other people's, which I thought wasn't gonna be a big gilt, but it really is a bumber because the chairs are wobbling and and the other women love each other more than me. But I said yes, and I sunk forty grand into this. Okay, we got this question a lot. Okay, what do we do? What time is it? There? Two? You just missed smoking ted? What two minutes late to light one up? I don't know what to do? Okay, Well, what are you wearing on your feet right now. This episode is brought to you by Red Sox because there are other colors, but like, are there really Red Sox Marvin, we just got another minute on the show. If you want to wrap it up with this collar in any way you can offer up some help. She's in uh flip flops, I take it, miss and uh while she's in this triple marriage and the furniture is on the furniture whatever you want to throw at her. Okay, thanks for the notes. Does that did cut considerably into the final minute of the show. I think we still have time. Look, there's probably is there a Cathulhu in the basement of the of the house HP Lovecraft, the noted writer, was also the architect of that home, and the beast Cathul who is currently living in the basement probably getting in the head and offering demonic visions and utterances that people listening to. Now, I would get out of that house and uh and slip on some Red Sox are very comfortable and stylish. Where should I go? Red Sox dot Com for all yours sock needs, well only one need, which is if you need red socks, which you do, because like come on. I love that tagline. Athe music tells us Marvin that we're just about at a time. Thank you, caller, if you'd like to stay on the on the phone there, Marvin will take your finish up your call after the show ends. But we do need to wrap things up here in the studio. What Marvin, Yeah, that's that's a lie. I don't finish up the calle talking. Oh look, who's home? My sweetheart? I have to leave? What do you mean to leave? Drink this? What is drink this to the basement? Okay? Can we have one less host in the basement? Bring her to the base? I guess I don't see why not? Wait, Csulu, you're in the basement now, you're gonna live here forever. Marvin, are you still there? Whatever you do, don't drink bleach. Okay, And that's our show for today. Let's thank all of our alchemists. Oh, Joey Greer, what can you tell us? What do you want to say? I want to say? Yeah, got Westside Comedy Theater, pretty pretty pony, we got what orange tuxedough. We got barrassed by all great shows we all play over there. Check that out? Check me on Instagram at Jemmy Greeber. Check out Goodnight my album You're gonna like it's funds to sketch comedy album with silly as Ship. The number one album in the country right when number fucking one. Congratulations on that. James Jeaney, you're always armed with paper. I've brought some paper out. This is where you can find me. That's just can't tell literally the worst thing that's happened to my paper. You know, one of them to find you? You know your information, Greig caw I guess, uh maybe Van Morrison's astro weeks. Okay, I'll go with Ascar Twitter, Vanessa Hope or at donnastu typewriter on Instagram. Yeah. And Chris Alvarado, You're welcome. That's exactly right. Let's thank our engineering, the stars, Richard doug By, our post sound design artist, Raphael break To, and I heard media it looks so good. I encourage all of you to write a review. Tell everyone you've ever met and write to us at your name here, and welcome to this dot com. Until next time. I'm your host, Kevin Polla. Remember yes,