Hello, Hello, what is up? Hey all, I'm Zeri Hall, and oh my goodness, welcome to the first episode ever, first episode ever of Hot Happy Mess. I just want to dive right in. I have to tell you, guys a story, Um, a story. I don't have any any more detail than that outside of me telling it. So I was in the Netherlands on vacation and life just hit me like smack dab in the middle of the face, right between the eyes, when I was least expecting it. And oh my god, it's how I got where I am today. It's why I am here right now talking to you. Okay, So years ago, my career was taking off. I mean, my TV hosting dreams were coming true. Don't get me wrong. I love, love, love, loved these huge career moments. Um, honestly, I live for them. Definitely was living for them at the time. Um. And yet as soon as that temporary high of achievement war off, I felt so burnt out. I was exhausted, I was emotionally drained, and I was like, what the heck is up? I needed a break so badly, So I hopped on a flight to Europe and got my eat, pray, love, on. I was just like rom Com Energy, signed me up. Something's gotta give. I was cycling through canal line streets in Amsterdam. I was falling in love with my life, with the freedom that was coming from exploration, the feeling of just enjoying my days at a really slow, leisurely pace. I had nothing to do tomorrow if I didn't want to do it. And then it got real, real, real quick. Okay, So I was in the countryside just outside of Amsterdam, and I was taking a stroll and it was quiet and beautiful, and I was just like, oh my gosh, this is like nothing I've seen or experienced in the States. Yeah, and so as I reached a nearby lake and stopped, just like stopped for a second and sat down and just took it in and complete silence by the water, and I was really enjoying this moment and me like crazy view it was amazing, and I started crying. I started following like a little who you know what. And I'm going to tell you why in just a few minutes here, but first you gotta listen to this hot, happy mess. Celebrate your magic in the middle of life's messes. Happy. I'm Zurie Hall and this is Hot, Happy Mess. We got a theme song. We are so official. Hey y'all, I'm Zurie Hall and this is Hot Happy Mess. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome. Where we are making the most of the moments we're in and finding and celebrating the magic and all that is hot, happy and messy and our lives. So this podcast is for mindful, ambitious millennial women who are craving best life minus the burnout. Women who believe that you can make a bomb mass living while enjoying a bomb ass life. And sometimes life is just well, it's ass, and that's okay too, because life is about learning to love. What is our north star with this community is happy and it is not an end destination. It is a state of being during the entire journey of our lives. Achieving all of our goals is only worth It only really feels good if we're happy while we're achieving them. Each episode is going to entertain you, empower you, maybe even educate you a little bit so that you can get rid of the bad stuff and infuse your life with more of the good stuff. So you might be like um girl, but who are you though? First of all rude, but also I'm Zury already said that, but about me. Um, you might know me from all of my red carpet interviews, my celebrities sit downs for years on shows on MTV, E News and now Access Hollywood. But this show, Hot Happy Mess is all about the most important v I P of your life. You Okay, it's all about you, girl. It's time to own it. Each Monday, come get your Hot Happy Mess on with me. Tune out the chaos and the confusion of the outside world, and just vibe with other women who get it now. I know I said mindful, ambitious millennial women earlier, and that's broad. All are welcome, but some context clues that you might really like it here. If you've ever texted your mom and asked what time was I born? So that you can run your astrology chart and see if the hot do that you just match with on Bumble like thirteen seconds ago was your future husband, welcome. You're safe here if you like browsing Zillo. No, and damn well you can't afford that four million dollar mansion in Dallas, Well, then, first of all, same, but also you're safe here if you still passionately debate on which nineties boy bands are the best of the best as if anybody else except us scars, you are amongst friends also in sync. Don't at me, don't at me if you say aesthetic adults in orbit on Ironically, we probably need to start a support group for that. But also welcome saying all that out loud. I am really a basic bitch, Okay, so be it. You can look at this space as are never ending dinner party with heavy pores and juicy off the record chat and you ain't even got to take your shoes off. Now, the whole never ending thing does sound a bit like a hostage situation, So just to clarify, you are totally free to go, but like, don't so. I'm kicking off my first series ever, and this one is all about peace and happiness. We're gonna have a bunch of different series as the show continues and evolves. I love dating relationships. We're gonna have series on career, We're gonna have Alpha Babe spotlights with inspirational women. Um, but this first one, this is the groundwork. This is what is so important to do to kind of lay the foundation because it's all about happiness, peace, none of those other things that we're going to talk about matter if you're not approaching it from a place of happiness, if you don't feel good while you're trying to get it right in those areas of your life. Okay, So kumbaya bitches. This next few episodes, we are going to dive into how to find your happy, how to protect your peace, and how to enjoy best life minus the burnout. Okay, So in today's first ever episode, drumroll please. Okay, Well, like I almost said, in today's first ever episode, I am talking about how to be happy, but also what the heck do I know? Don't answer that? To stick with me here today I am going one on one with the amazing nedro Glover to Bob about how to find our happy, get to a state of being happy always or most times instead of constantly chasing it. Natra is a licensed therapist. She's a sought after relationship expert. She has a very popular Instagram account for good reason, where she shares resources and tools on how to create healthy relationships and implement boundaries. Then we are going to call it My Girls, My day Ones, my real life best friends for a little group chat action. They are going to confess when they first realized that they weren't happy and reveal the steps they took to fix it. Make sure you stay tuned until the end of this episode. For this week's party trick. We've got three instant mood boosters, three happiness hacks, if you will, for when you need a quick fix to just infuse your day with a little more juice. Okay, just little something, something extra. So before I finished my story, I promise it's coming. I just want to make one thing clear as we go on this this journey together, as we step in to this circle of trust. Okay, I gotta confess a couple of things. So here's the thing. Yes, I am generally happy. Yes I feel hot on any random day of the week, the time maybe guest a min I don't really know. And also I am not a mess okay, not a total one at least, and I honestly would be doing you a disservice to pretend that I am. The truth is, I work really really hard to keep shipped together and I have done really well at it. And that is not a humble brag. That is full disclosure, so that you really believe me when I say, no matter what it looks like from the outside, no matter what it may seem like. And this goes for everyone, all of us looking at everyone else's lives. I still have messy moments. I have chapters that are a total mess. I have life moments that have banged me up to the point that I thought they broke me. Snot nosed sobs from the gut in the middle of dark, dark nights when I stopped asking God if he left me because I was almost completely sure he had spoiler alert he had not. So that's that's the heavy mess of it. But sometimes mess is as low key and minor as being in the middle of a fancy red carpet. You know. And at the end of the day, no matter what it looks like from the outside, I still forgot to pay my Verizon bill, so they cut my ship off mid interview, and now I can't catch an uber home highs and lows, folks, highs and lows. I'm a gym, and I expect a lot of it. So no matter how hot or happy my life may seem, I want you to know, my friend, my sister, that there is a consistent enough mets in the middle of all that, and instead of why did this happen to me, I'm learning to ask what is this here to teach me? I am committing to finding the magic in the middle of my life's messes and really trying to embrace each moment as it comes and accept each moment and myself exactly as we are. And I want you to join me on that journey, because, in my humble opinion, that's the key to it all. That's it, all we've got is now. We've got to make the most of it. Okay, So back to my story, as promised. Not a few minutes later, but we got there, all right. Picture it Amsterdam, the summer of sixt Just kidding. It was like or something. I was sitting down by this lake in complete silence, and I was just enjoying the moment, soaking up the sick view. The birds are chirping, the grass is green, the water is calm, the sun is setting gently over the Dutch Abyss not even the right word to use in this moment, I don't know. But I cried and I cried and I cried. And again it was not just because I'm a bad swimmer and the water was super close for comfort. It was because the overwhelming sense of peace that I was experiencing in that moment felt so foreign, and I remember thinking, why should a feeling this great, this good, be so rare. I was crying because I was mourning my own lack of peace in my everyday life. Like I said, I was hosting a daily music countdown show on a popular cable music channel. I was guest hosting shows that I remember watching from my one bedroom, tiny box of an apartment in Ohio and being like, man, one day, I want to be on that show. I was on it now, you know. I was co hosting with Legends. I had just co hosted with Joan Rivers The Legend on Fashion Police, a show I grew up watching, and that all was amazing. I genuinely loved all of those moments, but when I wasn't working, I was kind of miserable. And I didn't even know it at the time. I was constantly striving for more. I lacked peace and I hadn't even realized it until I accidentally stumbled into peace by the water in the Dutch countryside. Rest, calm, permission to be still. It was true peace, and I remember thinking to myself peace should not feel this foreign, It shouldn't fill this foreign. When I got back to New York, because that's where I was living at the time and probably had a lot to do with the state of my mental health or lack thereof, I focused on carving out fifteen to thirty minutes every day to just be alone with my thoughts, to breathe slow, try to shut off my brain, which is super hard because my brain is always an overdrive. I am an overthinker, card carrying member. And just make sure that I had a little bit of time for quiet and calm. And you know what, it helped. Coming back from that vacation, refreshed, taking a few minutes to relax and re energize at work each day, those things helped me present the best version of Zuri that I have to offer. That best version of Zuri is the one that I always want to show up as, which means I had to start showing up for myself. And that's the version of yourself that you deserve to have be admired in your office, in the classroom, or wherever it is that you want to put your best foot forward, whether it's personal professional, it doesn't matter if you want to be the best. That's the best, the person, the version of you that is full of peace. You know, we each deserve to find a place of mental calm unwined. You can practice yoga, you can meditate, go see that shrink book, the appointment. You owe it to yourself to save up and plan for that seven day vacation if you can, and if you can't get away for that long, maybe it's an extended weekend. Hell, maybe it's a lunch break. Maybe it's a Saturday afternoon girl. Whatever it is, your piece is free and it is priceless. Just try to take a little bit of quiet time each day to reconnect with yourself, to calm down. Listen to Hot Happy Mess every Monday. Basically demand you're happy. Okay, I promised myself that I was never gonna let peace feel that foreign again. When I was by that water, I dedicated that to me. It was like a vow to myself. Okay, I haven't tied the knot yet. I'm not engaged to be married. I'm not vowing to any one person yet, but I'll tell you who I vowed you that day at the water, Zuri, and you deserve the same. So years and years after that first fateful day when I decided to get my life together. It has been a slow process. Trust me. I will reveal more as we continue on this journey. Here we are years later. This is a space for us to keep getting their lives together together. Okay, yeay, hot, happy Bess. Let's go baby, So next up as promised, Nedra, Oh my gosh, this is such a fun, fun, fun, informative conversation. Nedro glover to op. She's a licensed therapist, a super sought after relationship expert. She runs a very popular Instagram account at Nedra to wop go follow her thank me later, where she shares resources and tools on how to create healthy relationships and implement boundaries, which honestly is the key to it all for me, boundaries for yourself, for the people in your life. Our convo gave me so many aha moments and reminders about how to create a life that is full of peace and joy, And honestly, we just laughed a lot. She is so chill, so down to earth. Here's our conversation. You're gonna love it, are you, guys? I am super excited because the expert who we have on our first ever episode of How to Happy Mess is gonna guide us into happiness, or at least she's gonna help us get some insight on exactly what we can do to take some small, actionable steps towards that. Nedra Glover to Bob, thank you so much for joining me on the first episode. I'm so happy to be first. I am. I'm just glad you did it. Um. I've been able to check out your Instagram account. A lot of the information and the tools and the tips you provide are just so necessary. And what I love is that it's so relatable. It's it's easy to process and understand. I feel like sometimes people get this idea of what therapy is supposed to look like, or what wellness is supposed to look like, and they're overwhelmed by the idea that they're not, you know, far enough along in their journey to do it or to implement in their everyday lives. So I'm excited to have you here today. Thank you. You're welcome. Yes, my my whole goal for Instagram is to normalize therapy, to normalize the tips and roles we have of in relationships, and I think so much of it is jargonized and so we don't understand it, and so it's good to be in a space where you can add things that people can relate to and make things seem very normal. Absolutely, I want to kick things right off, get into the thick of it. What would you define happiness as? Like? Obviously that's a personal question, but then there's also the broad sort of therapist lend. So I'm curious to know what makes Nadra happy and then how do you define happiness? You know, happiness is joy and peace, and that looks like different things for different people. For me, it's being able to live a life that feels good for me, and that's going to look different for everyone. So we can't determine what makes other people happy. We can only seek to understand our own happiness. And so it's just about curating those things that make you feel good, doing more of it, creating new experiences. That is what happiness is to me, and I think it's the same thing for many other people, and it's changing because we think once we get one thing will be happy, but as you know, once you get it, it's like, okay, I need something else to be happy. So it's a continuous cycle of figuring that thing out that will make you feel good. When it comes to unhappiness, you know that we have good days, we have bad days. But I think that what's important to recognize is there is a state of unhappiness that one can be in. And what I would love for you to talk with our listeners about is when does that shift happen? When do I need to stop ignoring the fact that I'm waking up and I'm still unhappy or this this emotion, this feeling is sort of pervading my everyday existence to where it's like this isn't a bad day, this is a bad phase or a bad chapter, and I need to I need to switch it up. I need to acknowledge that I'm unhappy and do something about it. What are those signs when you get tired of being unhappy? That's the biggest sign. I think so often we feel like we have to be unhappy, kind of like a you know, your kind of moved like this is just how I am. I'm a complainer, I'm I'm pessimistic, and we know that, and we sometimes embrace our depression or we embrace sadness being a part of us because we don't have the hope that anything can be different, but it can be You don't have to be sad. So I think if you recognize that you're someone who chronically complains or you often feel unhappy or sad, that is a space to act in your power. And what would you recommend as those first steps um to acting in your power? How do you sort of reclaim that and decide, you know what not today? This is when the shift begins, because that can be scary when you've normalize these negative emotions and you've gotten used to it. And I think it's especially as women. Sometimes we're conditioned to wear it as a badge of honor. Like I'm going through this. I've got the kids, I've got my job, and the idea that I might step outside of all of these other people and things that need me to just serve myself. Society has told us it's selfish. So so how do you take those first steps to to you know, figuring out what might light you up, embrace a new narrative. It's so interesting that we take stress as a badge of honor. We take being a martyr, a rescuer, uh a codependent as a badge of our I have to help. Everybody's like okay, and you're excited. It's like, I don't. I don't ever get any sleep. This is not a good thing. We have to figure out a way to empower and not to promote those ideas of well, that's just how it is when you're a mom, you don't get any sleep. Be because we recreate that and we emphasize that two new mothers. We emphasize the importance of women having to do certain things in relationships which make them um feel more burnout and stressed and sad and depressing, all of these things. So we have to embrace a new narrative that includes rest, that includes seeking joy and not just this is my life and it's painful and I'm overwhelmed. That can't be the narrative anymore. What I'm hearing you say is we have to take responsibility for our happiness. And it's so easy to blame the other person, to blame social media. If these things didn't exist, if this person wasn't this way, then I would be insert emotion here when it's really about, well, how are you choosing to react to that thing that person? And it's easy to throw it out in them because then we don't have to do the hard work. And I am so guilty of it because I'm like, well if they were just been sir, if Instagram, but just this. Yeah, I get the question all the time, like what do you do on when your friends are posting stuff on social media and you don't like it? Un follow them? Like you can't make them change their content? Like you don't have to follow things that that cause you this pleasure? You don't And if you don't feel comfortable on following, mute, right, what would you say to someone who says, nedrew, I want to mute them or I want to unfollow her, I'm whatever, but I'm worried about what they'll think. What would you say to someone who is just trapped, essentially like so many of us, in the idea of what others think on the quest to happiness their own happiness. Well, that's why I mentioned muting, because there are some people who will check you following them. We have we have a petty people in our lives we can do and they they're like, did you want to follow me? But but with the muting again boundaries, how do we say to people that I'm trying to experience as certain certain thing as I tap into this and so instead of leaving this platform, I'm trying to navigate how to use it in a way that speaks to me. For those who are, you know, maybe new to the journey of mindfulness, of of presence, of letting things go sometimes, um, I would love if you could just briefly talk about the concept of attachment and how that sometimes holding onto something too tightly, even a bad moment in a morning, holding onto that too tightly can sort of permeate the rest of your day. And again this being all about embracing the magic in the middle of the mess. I think that's really the key to happiness for me is saying I can have a bad morning, but it's not a bad day. How do you encourage people or what do you hope people keep in mind when it comes to staying in a state of mind that allows you to be with joy or peace even when everything is not perfect. Reminding yourself that a moment is not a minute, a moment is not a day, A moment is not the morning. A moment is a moment. You waste something on your pants, now let's move on. It doesn't mean your whole day is bad because you've wasted something on your pants, change your pants and keep going. But it doesn't need to be a prediction about the rest of your day. And that's when you get into that, like this is a bad day, you have predicted the rest of the day, so the day will now rise to meet your expectations of it. So you can have a bad moment without having a bad day, without having a bad morning. So just rephrasing that, so it's not taking over your whole day. Even in the pandemic, we have to remember the things that are going well. And right now lots of folks are focused on this is bad, this is bad, this is bad. And I saw a post on Instagram by Alex l that's said, I am grateful to be alive. That's a big thing, the biggest. That's a huge thing. So whatever else is going on, it's like you can breathe. Yeah, yeah, Well, Natura, this has been amazing. Thank you so much for the conversation. The two of the tips if people want to follow you, um learn more about you, know what you offer, your services, and also just the amazing energy and vibes you provide on social media, especially where can they keep up with you. Yes, so I am at Natura towab on Instagram and I have other platforms, but to be honest, I am not a multisocial media person that has really like pick a platform and that's it. That would make about the platform. But we will keep up with you on Instagram. Then, natur thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it. We're gonna have to have you back. I'm just telling you right now because this is amazing. So I'll keep my fingers crossed. We'll be in touch soon. Thank you, thank you, h happy. I hope you loved that conversation with Nedra. Don't forget you can follow her at Nedra to wob We're gonna have so many amazing experts just like her. And I'm going to try to convince Ndre to come back because she is so dope. I just I love that conversation. Next up, it's time for the group chat. The group chat is my signature hot happy mess segment. This is where you know we go to event right, You've got your group chat, I've got mine. This is where we go to our girls to just decode weird text messages from whoever we're dating. Or ex is we're trying to avoid draft post then collectively vote to delete or post petty sub tweets. Uh. In this segment, when I need backup support or have a tough topic that I want to pick apart with some really smart, really funny women whose opinions or ideas might be a little different from mine, might be a whole lot different from mine, talk shit and just download on whatever is the hottest of messages that week, We're taking it to the group chat. So this week it is my girls, my besties, Ashley and Trevasha. So you guys, today we have the first two people humans, ladies, awesome best friends. Um, I'm a group chat Ashley and Trevasha. I'm super excited for you to meet them. We go way back. I'm talking about Indianapolis days, my first job out of college. Like people were paying me to do things and I'm still not entirely sure why. Um, but these were my friends that I first met. So just really quickly, ash will start with you, Travash then we'll go to you. So Ashley, just let everybody know who you are, what you love, what you do, how we met. What'step Everyone, I'm Ashley I am a thirtysomething new We wed Haley Midwest. Um, I'm actually from the Indianapolis area, which is where I'm, as Zari said, where her and I met. My husband and I picked up everything or dropped everything. I guess you can say picked up and dropped everything at the same time. And we just moved across the country to Phoenix, Arizona last year, which is one of the best decisions we ever made. UM. So, I guess that tells you a little bit about me in terms of being a little bit of a free spirit. But I'm also like your fine, sophistic ratchet best friend who is um an operations person in healthcare corporate America by day, but by night I am a free spirit of control. This one like that friend that It's like, I mean, if you asked me to like drop everything and go to China tonight, I'm I'm with you, Guys, She's not even joking. We didn't go to China, but we went to Milan, and it is an episode in and of itself, So we'll talk about that. Yeay, how did we meet Ashley? Okay, so we met. We actually have a mutual friend, UM that does a golf outing every year that my mom and I have been helping out for helping out with for years. And he introduced Surrey. I believe you had only been there for a few months, is that correct, girl? If that? Yeah, like maybe two if you were a guest here or yeah. He invited me as a guest like one of their quote unquote celebrity golfers. Mind you, I had only been a celebritingna for three weeks and then I met you, Yes, And then I met you there because you were volunteering. Ashley's like super friendly and outgoing. Travasha and Ashuley are, honestly, and I remember you were like, oh hey, what's up, how are you whatever? And I was in TV but it was my first job in TV, and I was actually kind of shy still, like I'm not a natural true extrovert, and so I was like, oh my god, there's like some of my agents. He's so cute and friendly and like, I'm really excited about this. Okay, next up, tra Vasha t Hello trevash Of For those who would like to try and te for those who cannot, I am also a thirty something, but I am a first time mommy and a pandemic. Mommy, I have a baby that was born right before all the schools were shut down in the whole country, a week before. We're your husband, they were you were not sure if he was going to be able to be in the delivery room right, So the night I went into labor, they were like, oh, it's so good that like you went into labor tonight because tomorrow, starting tomorrow, you only be able to have one person in there. And I was like, oh, that would have sucked because I would have chosen my Dula over Tyler like out there. So that's interesting in and of itself. And then, um, I also have a My niece is here visiting with us for a long while, so we love her. But she's five years old, and and you have a freaking puppy or a dollar. I was so talk going from okay, so okay, this came just quick. We don't need a backstory on the puppy. You gotta talk now anyway. So, yes, I'm a flight tennant. I love being a Flight of tendant. I've been doing that for like seve years. Um. I used to cheer professionally, and that's how I met Zuri. She slid into my d M s um and I just get these claims. Don't don't let her for you. She slid in and she was like, can you move in with you? No, I'm just I'm just kidding, I'm just rolling. I did follow her on Twitter. I was just looking for friends, like it's hard to make friends after college. This should be an episode in and of itself, like after you graduate, it's weird to just creep on another woman. I've heard like, how did you find me? Honestly, God, I couldn't tell you. I cannot remember that. I truly can't. And then that too long after that we can now that and chaos soon. Yes, here we are today on the episode one of How Happy Mess the group chat segment, and I want to talk about happiness, because that's what this is all about. It's different for everyone. No to people's journeys look the same. No to people's definitions of happiness look the same. So for me, happiness is there's a quote that I can't quite get right, suck it up. But but it's when what you do, what you say, what you believe, or something to that effect are all in agreement all the line. So basically, you don't have to show up anywhere different than you show up for yourself, because you you have the integrity you're operating with, the integrity that allows you to be the same person all the time. And the things that you feel quietly are a priority are also the things that you prioritizing your everyday life, so your core value system. Like, I wake up happy because I'm not doing things that don't serve me anymore, that don't light me up. It doesn't matter if I'm paid. There was a time in my life where I just had to be paid successful. If it looked hot, if people would think Zeri's killing it, I was happy. I guess whatever happy meant at that time. Ten years later I realized I was nowhere near happy. I was kind of miserable. Um. Now it's like, do I wake up and I'm excited If nobody else ever knew that I was gonna have the day that I was about to have, would I still be excited to have that day? That's happiness for me? Um? So I want to know what is happiness for you guys? And then I just kind of want to get into the journey of it. How you got there, why you got there? Anybody want to take it. Yeah. So happiness for me is being surrounded by the people that I love, also knowing that those people are happy, being in a beautiful space like I came from Indiana, so coming to a place that's like where I can be free and feel free, enjoy nature. Yeut, I'd be active all year round and also being in a space where I can pell. Um, that is happiness for me. And I think I used to think it was something else. I used to I used to feel like it was what society tells us, you know what happiness is, um. And I learned, I feel like later, like I just learned this a couple of years ago, that that's not necessarily what happiness is for me. And I had to create my own. But my happiness is very simple. Um. But I've definitely had to create my own happy space and environment. It's been a journey for sure. Yeah. Yeah, flash, what about you? Years back? If you would have asked me, like when in my twenties, what happiness looks like, it would have been the cliche like, oh, I mean I've got money, I've got this, I've got that. Um. I was playing salon with my five year old niece. Um. So crazy. The dog was like running around chasing my niece, my daughter crawling while Tyler, my husband's trying to figure out how he's going to give these girls baths while I'm doing this podcast. And so I like that is happiness. Like for me for so long, I was doing things that made me happy in the moment, like dancing, going to this place, traveling, whatever. But I wasn't happy. But the fact that my life is so chaotic right now. We're going down to one income and we just raised our expenses, um like all in all of tomorrow, in the next day and the next month, then next year is like uncertain, and I don't know what we're gonna do or how we're gonna do it, but I know it's gonna get done. And I know that our relationship is stronger, Like this is the closest I've been in a relationship with God, like just my entire life. Oh and learning how to say no that has helped me me. Being able to say no allowed me to do the things that replenished my spirit so that I can then give back to the people that I you know, I could get that too. Overall. I don't know if it was like the pandemic that really helped me slow down and get to this happiness or if it was like the postpartum meds or what. But we're good now, and I think too, like I think society also teaches us that being able to take on so many things or work super hard, which tends to me and like taking on extra projects, working super long hours, like it's it's almost like society teaches you that, oh my gosh, you're so strong and you're able to do so much and you're able to take on so much. So we grow up thinking that like if we take on all this stuff, like I don't know, we're gonna get a medal for it or something or be recognized. And in all while we are drowning, um, we're trying to make other people happy when at the end of the day, like say you you quit your job tomorrow, people are going to replace you like the same day, like replace the mole um. And so it's like it's almost trying to make other people happy, like you were saying, se at the expense of your own peace and happiness, which you learn as you get older, it's just not worth it, right. I really feel like the switch to happiness happens like the commitment to happiness, the commitment to being like I am no longer doing anything that doesn't serve me happens when you reach a breaking point. It's like with anything, and that's when someone quits the job that they paid it for the last ten years. That's when somebody says, screw it. I'm breaking up with the guy who doesn't want the things that I know I've secretly wanted for years, and I hope that he would get on board with it when you just can't do it anymore. And so when it comes to being happy and living in a state of happiness, it normally comes from being so unhappy that you had to say screw it, throw whatever you were doing out of the window, and figure out how to do it differently because it was so bad that you just couldn't fake the funk anymore. Um, do you guys remember what you're what that chapter was for you, the time in your life, the circumstance where it was like, you know, I am so fucking sad or unhappy or miserable that I don't know what has to change, but something's got to give, and I'm willing to give up. Who I've been or what I've been or what I've done, Like I feel, honestly, I feel like I'm still in that journey, um through I'm still in therapy and that's helping and all this stuff. Um but y'all, I had not even found myself, Like I didn't know who I was. And on top of just having like normal insecurities, I was assaulted in my teens and that was like never addressed, never went to talk to anyone, just held it in. So here I am trying to, like now find myself with by covering myself up, and I was able to fake the funk forever. People thought I was happy, but I was just happy in the moment doing things and I was always looking for the next happiness. So I realized it when I was no longer a professional cheerleader. I was not in that realm anymore, and I had become a flight attendant. Every time someone would ask me about myself, um I don't. They could literally ask like, oh I like your shut or oh your hair is pretty, and I would find a way to put it in there that I was a cold cheerleader, that I was the pacers to like dancer, did you feel like you identified so closely. That was the thing that made people. I think it was all in the buff like I did not know who I was, Like I wasn't anything more than that like to myself. Um. And so I think that's when I started realizing, wow, like I'm really really not happy. It's just like my old life was my identifier. And I have since been finding um, my new self and I you know, and I started with therapy. I think, especially in like the black community, people are afraid of going through and addressing some of those past issues has helped me create those current boundaries that I need for my own happiness, um and for my happiness of my marriage and all of that stuff. And so yeah, I want to we're gonna talk about sort of that transition. But to your point, Rivasha, of that's the moment that you realized with the phase when you realized, wow, I'm really unhappy, Like there is no end goal. So like me even asking you that, it's not like and then when did you become happy? Because that's the whole point of it is that doesn't happen. It's a state of mind. There's a commitment to a certain frame of mind, and it's just how you decide to look at life, who you decide you are, and there are ups and downs with that, and every day is not going to be as amazing and shiny and sexy as you know some of your best days. So it's not like I figured it out and now I'm not just a cold cheerleader. I'm this and this and this, and I am happy. Like you, you figure that out and you're happy, you're and you're in a state of knowing who you are and there's peace and happiness with that. But I just hope that people realize there is no in destination, Like there's nothing you arrive at. Like if you have a point in mind, save yourself the time, save yourself the life, and just like throw that out of the window, because you will waste so much of your life and time trying to arrive at some destination that doesn't exist. It's just it's the way you approach the day to day of your life. That's That's kind of how I feel about it, Ashley. When did you so realize that you were unhappy, that you were like something's gotta give. So I think for me, um happy, it's been this line that's going up with some valleys. So I have like three distinct times in my life where I've been so unhappy that I've made changes, And every time I've made the change, it's just added to my life. And then I'll get to a place where I'm like unhappy and I have to make another change. But that's how I see my happiness. And to me, it's just growth, right, It's like you learn something new about yourself and then you take that and you grow on that, and then you find something else knew about yourself and then you keep growing. So, um, I'll for sure say there was a time in two thousand twelve I was I was twenty seven, and um I I was in like a bad situation ship lord of I actually was doing. And this is the crazy thing, because society teaches you that, like, if you have a good job and you're making good money, life should be great. Do you have a complain about right? So I was really conflicted because all of that was true. At the same time, I was really unhappy with myself. I still had confidence issues. Situation ships for me, and past relationships really affected my confidence level that same It was like all these things happened that year. The same year a male friend. I was really close to being assaulted and I was threatened to have like this in my face. So that beat me down a lot because I didn't see that coming. Um. I also like had a period of like blaming myself for that. So I was just trying to process all these things, and I just think it was like God's way of like telling me, like, you need to shed people in your life and you need to find out who you are. And I remember my mom specifically telling me like I was just like we went to this Pacer game and I got in the car and I was bawling, and she was like, you really need to work on yourself. So that was one time. Ironically, I spent probably about six months really working on myself. I had been to therapy before, I had been diagnosed with chronic anxiety, so I already knew that that was part of me. I just had to figure out, like what my triggers were. I met my husband the next year, and I say this all the time that had I met him earlier, it would not have worked out. I just was not spiritually and mentally prepared for him. So God's timing on that was like huge. Thank Thank God. So then we get come around to the year that we went to Spain, Europe for your birthday, zari Um, I felt really stuck. My career has gone well with mar peaks and valleys throughout my career, so it's still going well. I had bought my home for myself, Like again, society is telling me, like, what are you upset about the check mark that you're supposed to want and now you should be exactly You got the house, you had the salary, you had the man, and you're beautiful, thank you. But I again felt really guilty because I was like, why I should not s this? My anxiety was super high and I just had a revelation on that trip. By that trip for me, as much as it was to celebrate you, was life changing for me. Because we we went on this like four we link chip in the mountains, I realized, like I was thinking, it was like two hours. I was like the whole time, I was like, this is what I should be doing. I should be surrounded by beauty in nature, I should feel free, and I am in Indiana feeling like super fucking stuck. I hate it. I mean I literally hated it there Um I called it my husband who was my boyfriend at that point, and I was like, we're getting the funk out of Indie. Um. Literally, I came. I was coming back to Arizona like three weeks later, and I was like, if I come back here and feel this energy, um, that's it. We're moving. So we made a plan of moves. But in the midst of that, I had I don't think I've ever been more depressed. Like the transition, you guys was so tough, but it was saying no to people. It was I had people in my ear like why would you do that? You have a house, you have a good job, and I'm like, I know, but I don't enjoy life right now, Like I'm on anti depressive medication, like I'm on anxiety. Man. It's like I can't do this. I felt like I was fighting for my life every day. In the midst of that, I also knew I was making a change. It was just going through that. It's really hard. I mean, I love it. I love that you did that. Actually I remember that phase, and I remember I was like, if anybody would do it, it was used. So that didn't surprise me. I was never like, oh, Actuley's never gonna do it. But when you did it, I was like, oh ship, actually doing it like that was still a big dual Like, but that inspired me. So if if us turning up and working any Visa inspired Joe, as you actually coming back for Mevi Sa Milan and being like I'm going to Arizona, Arizona inspired me because I was like, oh wait, it was a reminder to me. I've always been that type of person, big risk, big reward. But the older you get, the more we tend to start to play it safe. We have more to lose, we have more at stake, um more people are depending on us. We have lived enough life to know we're not invincible, so we're a little more humble, which can be scary because you don't think everything's gonna work out because life has shown you she was not always gonna work out. So for you to still do that, I took so much inspiration from that and was like, damn, Like she just went for it. For me, it was similar to you actually like you and I are both high achievers, high functioning, very career focused in the sense of it is very much a part of our identity to a certain extent or at least for those the twenties. It was like I took so much pride in what I had done and what I'd accomplished and what people would think of that because I had been trained to do that, and so I won't. It brought me joy. I was proud of it, I was happy. I loved it, and not even in like an arrogant stunt way. And ah, it was around the age of thirty, because thirties when I had just gotten no of a four to five year relationship, one that I had been thinking about even for a long time and probably should have left sooner than I had. And so I at thirty was living for me for the first time and so long, and having been a people pleaser, having been a high achiever, having been a giver, I was trying to figure out who I was. I didn't know I came out of that relationship, and when I got into it, I was only like twenty, and I wasn't I knew who I was in my early twenties in the sense of, oh, I'm gonna kill a game, I'm a high achiever, I'm gonna check these boxes, I'm gonna get these jobs. But I hadn't sat with Zuri. Single, even in college, I felt like the last ten years of my life, my twenties, I felt like I was fighting against I was suppressing, which is such a sad word. I was suppressing who I felt I might be if I had the space to be here. So I tried to date, and I could feel I could feel my spirit coming alive. I could feel Zuri starting to kick up dust and y'all, I'm still afraid of whosury might be that the whole episode my lit over there out, but I felt it kicking up. And then men came around, and I was attracted to them. I was dating. I was going whatever I think, since oh this is a virgin. Oh she's untouched, so she's not dated around. So I was what the world had told me to be, this prized virgin who didn't date a lot. And the guy was going to swoop in, yes, and he was gonna choose me, and I should be lucky to be chosen. And the entire time, something in my gut was fighting that, and then my next relationship the same thing. So anyways, so I got in this rhythm, this pattern of not being happy but not being unhappy, and assuming that this was as good as it could get. So I accepted it. And I've just learned to be happy in these things because I had these guys that treated me right for the most part. And that was at when I turned thirty and I broke up and I left my current that relationship because of a lot of stuff that went down. I was single at thirty, and I was figuring out who I was for the first time, and I had so much space to do it that I was afraid and terrified in the most exciting and exhilarating way. It is like walking into a fucking candy shop and being like, what do you want? The tab is open? And so I spent that time figuring out what I wanted and what was crazy was being free romantically freed me up mentally and emotionally to also be like, wait, this is what it feels like to be happy in my personal romantic life. Am I happy in my professional life? Like now I'm starting to see what it feels like to step into my own romantically. I'm like, well, hold up, what job would I choose? If I could start fresh and choose a job, what would I wake up and do it every morning? If I could wake up and do it, and I realized I was. I had gotten to a point where I was so miserable. And we will talk about this in a later series about career ambition, about pivoting when you're unhappy, especially in career. I was so unhappy in my job, and it was no one's fault, but I had outgrown what I was doing, and my core value system got stronger over time. And I credit that to my parents, to my family, to who I am, but it had gotten stronger. And so it was the alarm bills ringing inside of me, saying, we can't do this anymore, not if we want to be who we are. And so all I'd ever been was a high achieving career killer. And so to continue to achieve high in this space that I was in and kill my career, I had to be something different suddenly. And because I didn't know who I was, I said, okay, well, Zuri achieves, she figures out what she needs to do to be the best in whatever space she is in, when the question I should have been asking is do I even want to be in this space? So I started sacrificing who I was us to be this high achiever and at a certain point, I was like, maybe this ain't it. Maybe I'm not just built to achieve and to check the boxes. I was crying every day. I would go out during my fifteen second lunch break and sob and then pull it together, go back inside and be who I was suddenly expected to be, two be who I've always been, Who was the girl who gets it right and does what she's expected to do. And we can counter her to give whatever we need, not who she is. She'll give what we need, doesn't matter what she wants. And at a certain point I realized I don't There's not a job I want. There is not a human I want. There is not a career path I want that is worth trading in who I am and what I stand for. And I was afraid. I thought I was gonna lose my job. I really did, because I was done. I just woke up one day and I was done, and I was like, I might lose his job tomorrow, but I can't lose myself anymore than I've lost me. And at that point I was so afraid. I called my dad. We cried together, and you know, he was so proud of me for that, and he was the one that I was nervous about because he was the one who trained me to be this little soldier to get the job done, like you know. And in that moment, I realized, holy shit, I've had it so wrong. And of course my dad doesn't care about this ship that I just thought he did like he is. So he were crying together because he sees that he did a good job with his daughter. And it wasn't the accolades, the job, the promotions, the trophies that did it. It was him realizing I taught this girl who she is and it has nothing to do with what she's done. And she sees it now and she gets it, and she's willing to walk away from all this ship to commit to that. To be that it's been hard. There is a hard moment because again, when you put so much of your worth into accomplishment and succeeding and you start to realize, oh, they're operating by a different playbook, so it takes something different to succeed. You have to choose at a certain point do I want to succeed or do I want to be who I am and who I'm proud about being. And and I reached that point where I had to decide, and I chose to be who I am and who I was going to be, because there's nothing I want to be more than I want to be Joe's daughter and Valencia's daughter and the sister of my two brothers, and that girl, that woman at this point is very different from what you know. A chapter in my life was asking of me if I wanted to, you know, play by their rules and operating their space and be acknowledged for it. And I thank god that I didn't, because the truth is, you think you're giving something up, but really you are making space for something new. And then I realized as soon as I did that the universe shifted. It's so wo wo y'all, I know, but the universe shifted and matched me the same way. I walked into work the next day, and the energy shifted to match my energy. The industry, my industry shifted to matching industry, and suddenly opportunities presented themselves where I could be who I was, and that was not just accepted, it was celebrated, and I just wasn't ready to see it or brave enough for clear headed enough to to just step outside of the cage, because it's say, with the relationships, you will be in a whole cage. Convince yourself there's no opening the door when the truth is, did you try to turn the knobs? Did you even try to open it? I I shared a lot of my journey UM last year, and I've been a lot been a lot more open about my struggles with anxiety and UM intermitted depression and how this move Like really, I mean, I still have anxiety, that's just a part of me. It's just a lot less than I know my triggers. I know how to manage it a lot better, and I don't take medication anymore, which is amazing. But I always like, when I was going through the journey, I was like, I really hope this inspires other people to know that when you believe in in who you are, you believe in yourself, you have faith. You know, you kind of have the confidence to just take a leap of faith that things will work in your favor. And I'm not saying they're they're not gonna work without like bumps in the road, but staying true to who you are and believing in yourself and having faith, all of those things together the universe will come together and it will work in your favor. I really believe that. So this was everyone I was talking about The Alchemist. Sometimes they make it sound like it's like a basic bitch book for like self discovery. But I'm like, whatevery, But I'm a basis bitch because I read it and like, I just discovered myself. But you, guys, I recommend the Alchemist will make sure you guys have in the show notes how you can get you know, the book or where to buy. But there's a quote. The author is Paolo Quelo, and it says, and when you want something, all the universe conspires and helping you to achieve it. And then there's another quote that says, it's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting. And it is so true. I didn't realize it at the time because I wasn't that deep in my journey, but looking back, yes, any time I have set an intention and just committed to it, it's like the universe is just clearing that path. God is like, all right, well let me just move him out of your way. All right, well, let me just whatever. I can't wait for the Relationship series. Yah, God, I can just throw up a hell Mary because I was like, oh my god, We've got the website Hot Happy mess dot com. We're gonna have a secret Facebook group where you can go to join notes ideas like resources, um, and then the Instagram page at hot Happy Mess. So um. Just in closing, there's so much more we could talk about. I'm excited because this is a full series. This is the group chat, So y'all aren't going anywhere. I have, you know, six of my closest friends on this amazing rotation to dive into all of this stuff that we're gonna be talking about on this podcast. You'll get my solo commentary. We're gonna have experts. If you love ash, if you love We're gonna get so much more from them. So if you're not um, they will be back and we will be talking about more of this, just really quickly. As like a fun way to close it out, We're gonna make a happiness cocktail, and this one's gonna be superficial so we don't have to get too deep. What would your happiness cocktail include? What is your happiness cocktail? Comprised? I'll take this one because I like to I would say, first for me, um, it'd probably be like three ounces of family. Okay, the fact that you're giving us family, um, one ounce of travel, and then the other three ounces. This is a big drink. Um. The other three ounces of God and God in my life and my spirituality, those are huge family and God with the splash of travel. Anytime I'm upset, I just take a little quick trip um and yeah that's it. Okay, that is like a little marsh no cherry on the top, with a little cherry cherry. There we go. I love it. Love the cocktail, ash, what's your happiness cocktail? This is what I was gonna say initially, Um, some wine exactly. My my people, so friends, family are all one right the world like yes here with no real plan but just having a great time. Yes, um, my happiness cocktail Uh. Wine, wine and food. Food. Honestly, it brings me so much joy um and the curation and creating of it. So I love cooking. I love being served food and drink like at a restaurant like dining out. I love serving, I love hospitality. So it's really the experience of food and drink for me that goes into my next thing, which would be family and friends. Like, especially over the last few years, the way I used to crave a new destination or a new country to visit, I just crave going home. I just crave going to Toledo, probably because I don't live there. I don't live They're good, but it's like on my spirit to just be back all the time because of the people who are there. I love my people so much. And y'all, like you know, we we do our group trips. I'm always trying to curate at least one big get together per year, so a family and friends would be the second one, my third one. I would say, I'm not good at this, I'm getting better. And that's what this whole show is about, is the journey to this. But meditation and um sort of that bubble of spiritual enlightenment and growth. So and I don't just mean religion, so I'm not just talking my Christianity. I'm talking sitting with myself, meditating, reflecting, learning to be still and not need to do or say or be anything, because that in itself is kind of the goal from my life at this point that if I never did another thing, I am still enough and I am still on the journey of believing that. I would be lying if I said I didn't still feel the need or desire to do and to accomplish. And I take joy from that. It's my personality. Type. Will get into that in another episode. Um, but I wanna be okay, I want to I want to be happy, to be still. I want to not always feel the need to do more. And I'm here for a reason. And that's the reason I'm here, Like I don't need to do anything else, you know. And it's the same with you, trobash and the same with you Ashley. Like our lives are blessings. We should be so grateful for them, but we don't need to feel like there's this constant pressure to impress and do with our lives all these You've only got a short amount of time. You better you will go into the grave exhausted. So I've just been trying to dedicate myself more to my meditation practice and and you know, all my chance and my my chakra aligning. Okay, Bosh, Ashley, thank you so much. This was a great first group. It was so good. It was so long, how could it not? Okay, I love you guys. Over the next one, thing happy. I love them so much. Um, you'll get another rest of the group chat girls as the show goes on, so stay tuned. In the meantime, I promised you a party trick. The party trick is our sexy, fun, cool, super quick segment where we just give you a little something something. So this week's party trick as promised three happiness hacks that you can apply to your life today. Easy, pas, here you go. Three happiness tacks. Number one minding your business and biting and biting your tongue. It's you just came for my whole life. You just came for everybody's life. Come straight out the gate, okay it yeah. I mean sometimes we hear people say stuff and we just gotta jump in and correct them. And I you know, it's very peaceful to just allow people to be wrong. Just let them. You could say whatever you want the sky's paint. Okay. It feels good to me to not having our argument. That just makes me happy. Oh that might be the best one already. Already mind your business, y'all. All right, let's just go on about our days. Yeah. Number two is remember that people are human beings. So as we are on social media, as we are looking at things, consider the whole person and not just what you see. As people, we experience so much and we see cute little picture with two little kids and a little dog, and we're not even thinking that the lady probably got p on the end of address. You know, we just oh, my gosh, this is the look at this fan, I gotta how this film. Consider the whole story, you know, it's it's a whole picture behind the picture. So don't get caught up in what you see. Um gosh. Number three, I'm gonna go back to gratitude. I think it's so important to remember something, to be grateful for. One of the practices that I use is I have a friend and we email each other every day just one thing we're grateful for. So it helps us stay accountable, right like, because some days out forgetting and I see her email and I'm like, ah, so, so it's like an accountability partner because it's so important just to remember that things are going well. And sometimes when I'm like in the funk, I go back and look at those and I'm like, girl, like, you know, you have to get really creative when you're permitted to be ungrateful because there are so many things that could get you down, and when you just reflect on I'm like wow, like I remember when this was the thing and now it is not anymore. Just the progress of where you are in life makes you happy, Like, yes, that feels good. Progress feels great. Alright, y'all, I hope you enjoyed my very first episode of Hot Happy Mess. I'm so excited to be on this journey with you. Stick around because next episode you don't want to misremember it's a series. This is the Protect Your p Series. Okay, So we are talking about obsessive comparison disorder, because yes, it's a thing. Social media only makes it worse. We also do it in our everyday lives. But I am talking with some amazing experts who are breaking it all down. They're going to crack the code on how you can step out of that and into you know, more peace and not just acceptance, but celebration for where you are in your life and so much more. So make sure you go ahead and check out episode two. And in the meantime, are you subscribed. Make sure you subscribe, okay, so you don't miss an episode. Hit the subscribe button, leave a five star review, put a thing, leave a comment, let me know what you liked, what you loved, um, what you'd love to see more of. As we continue this Hot Happy Mess journey and follow us, we are building an amazing, inclusive, diverse community of just badass women over on social media, especially Instagram. Right now at Hot Happy Mess you can find me Zuri Hall at Zuri z u R I H A l L. So keep up with this over there in the meantime. That's it for this one. I will talk to you in the next one. Until then, by