You Need to Hear This with Nedra TawwabThis week's message comes from a step-parent who is in the midst of a power struggle with the bio-parent. Overwhelmed with snide remarks, copycatting, and undercutting, the caller is guided by Nedra to find some peace of mind.
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Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nadra Glover to wob and you need to hear this. I am a huge Adam Sandler fan, and one of my favorite Adam Sandler movies is Blended, where he brings his family on a vacation and Drew Mary Moore comes on the vacation and they have their children and their you know, kind of intermingling and it's a comedy. But for many of us with blended families, it is not a joke. It is a very serious situation where it is difficult to move into other families and to become acquainted with their culture and to figure out, you know, our place in those relationships. So for today's call, we will not be talking about my favorite movie. We'll be talking about some step parenting situations, some blended family topics. So let's quickly get into today's message.
Thanks to you, I believe I have started creating a wonderful habit of creating boundaries. A lot of things are resolvable for me now that I'm able to state my feelings. I still struggle in a few areas, though, namely the situation I'm in with my husband, stepdaughter and her mother. I've been with my husband for twelve years and my stepdaughter is thirteen, so I've been around for most of her life. I have a wonderful relationship with her, but I struggle significantly with her mother. At first. She heavily resented me because I believe she blames me for her husband not ending up with her. I was basically in the way, even though I had nothing to do with them not being together. They were never married or together for very long before she got pregnant, and they were broken up by the time my stepdaughter was born. I could go on and on about stories, but overall things were extremely rocky at first. She didn't decide she wanted to meet me until right before my wedding when my stepdaughter was four, and blamed my husband for the delay, even though I have evidence that she's the one that refused. She put it in writing to him. She was extremely combative towards me after the wedding, saying that she wasn't sure how I managed to get him down the aisle and that he didn't deserve to be happy. I told her at that point I would not be communicating with her if she chose to speak to me that way, and about my husband. She replied that I was quote judging her, and we really didn't have much contact again for a few years. After those few years, I found myself on an international vacation with her, visiting my husband's extended family in another country. We sort of found a way to get along on that trip, as jarring as it was that she was on it with us since it was the first time I'd ever met that side of the family. As well, she made it very clear that she was mom.
I'm hearing that Mom is in a lot of emotional pain and her hope was to have a solid nuclear family, and she sees you as the force who came in and broke that up for her, even though it never existed right, it was never there, And so she finds these opportunities to have these things over you, such as I'm the mom or you know, but really winning for her would be getting the man, and so because she can't have the man and the kid together, she has to take these opportunities to just show you what she does have, and that is the parenting role. And probably you know, some place in you all's life, for some time, you are doing a wonderful thing and not colluding with her and really allowing her to have that pain. And also, you know, I wonder if you've said things to her very directly when she, you know, makes a comment or when she does something that lets her know that it's not okay, right, And I hear when you, you know, you did some years ago, say something about her trash talking your husband, and it may need to be repeated, and her reaction to that it might be anger, she might get upset, but it may let her know that you're not on this side of, you know, saying tarrible things about him or making fun of him, because it's not conducive to the relationship you want to have with your husband. And you know, maybe we'll get into this a little bit less, but I wonder what sort of things have your husband said to her about the way that she is treating you.
When we got home, things were much more civil, but still somewhat rocky. And then she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's thankfully cancer free and will live a long life. And then the pandemic hid, so we found ourselves in a pod of sorts, which really wasn't too bad, but she found all the opportunities to dig at me that it's too bad her daughter has a split family, or she would find awful things to say about my husband and how he triggered her, egging me on to trash talking, etc. I felt defensive. He simply didn't love her, and I respect him for not bending over, but never really felt I could really stick up for myself or for him. I can't get rid of this person, though, and at the time my kid was little, I wanted to keep the peace for my husband's sake, so I politely smiled and deflected as often as possible, which I know now is about the worst thing that I could do. This culminated in her somehow tagging along on another one of our family trips over the holidays last year. Although she routinely ended up visiting my husband's immediate family in California with us over the interim years, I was always on some sort of bizarrow family vacation with this woman, my husband, and my stepdaughter. This trip, in particular, was a ten day road trip that toured the western US, with many stops including my family, my husband's family, a football game, you know, etc. It was a complete nightmare. All of the things that I'd been able to relieve myself from while we were home. Because she eventually left my house, I couldn't get away from her insidious remarks about how her life turned out unexpectedly, or or her completely taking over anything in general. If I didn't immediately jump at something, she'd take it over. I don't think she did this on purpose, but it wore me out. I ended up hunkering down into protective mode in order to get through the trip. She would consistently jump to answer questions directed at me about my husband. For example, my new sister in law asked me his birthday and she answered the question instead of me. And if my husband asked me to do something while he was driving, like directions, she would immediately jump to take care of it. I began to feel like I didn't exist. Frankly, it looked like I was the nanny in the situation. Since I am ten years younger than both of them, anyone talking in the group of us would have assumed that she was the wife.
I'm hearing a lie of respect, you know. I wonder if there's an opportunity for you to demand respect, you know, maybe not start an argument, but when someone is speaking to you directly and she answers you know, oh no, they were talking to me and then you respond or you know, if directions are acts and she hops me in, just oh no, the directions were for me. Okay, here it is, So you're sort of saying like this is this is my lane and then this is your lane. But I also think there's a conversation needed so that there is some clarity around roles in the relationship. How is she continuously like surprise invited on these trips, Like I can't think of a time in life where it was like a shock that I was on a trip with someone. So I wonder what sort of conversations are happening that you may not be privy to, or you and you're a husband on the same page about what this situation is or what it should look like or how you should respond to it, you know, outside of addressing her. It sounds like there's a need for some conversations to happen in your relationship, so there's some clarity around what the rolls are. Also who's doing what, who's not doing what? How your husband maybe should hop in here on some of these situations there is an opportunity for him to be a bit more involved, let's keep listening.
A side note that on several occasions I have noticed that she tries to copy me, which I explained away as her insecurity. For example, my engagement ring is not a diamond, it's a large green stone. At one point she decided that she would buy and wear a large blue colored stone ring on her left ring finger. I have lots of weird emulation examples like this, but that was the one that was the oddest for me. If I say I go to the gym, she'll immediately start talking about how she goes to the gym, although I have to say that she is not healthy looking or fit. Back to the trip. Right before this trip, I'd quit my corporate job due to health issues and burnout, and she'd take every opportunity to tell everyone that Lindsay quit her job. Nudge nudge. Isn't that so nice not to have to work? Nudge nudge. I ended up having to explain that it was a health issue, which was not her business. She assumed my husband was taking care of me. I have my own financial situation that allowed me to quit, and I felt myself always explaining my decision to leave corporate life as it was killing me slowly, although she recently quit her job. Another emulation of me. I explained this trip so thoroughly because it was after that that I told my husband I would no longer interact with her directly unless necessary, and that I absolutely refuse to do anything just the four of us. I explained that I may change my mind in the future, but I could no longer endure her presence on a regular basis. I had been broken officially, and honestly, those were the best months of my life without her consistently present. Until she started to pester me about meeting up for coffee to discuss what went wrong with us. I told her that I felt I was working within myself to determine next steps in my life, and that I was definitely not available as i'd been prior, and I'm sure it was noticeable. I said i'd speak with her, but I didn't see anything to discuss. I was terrified she'd just attack me, still trying to keep the peace for my family's sake. It went by the wayside a few times due to external reasons, but recently we met up after I felt bullied into it by her. Now that she's quit her job, I work part time currently. She decided once again that we need to talk. I told her again that nothing had changed from my previous statements about my next steps. She accused me of writing her out of my life, but the kid notices everything, so be it. So I met with her where she brought up this past road trip and wanted me to itemize everything that I thought she might have done wrong, which I don't want to do. I simply don't identify with this person, and outside of the fact that I'm stuck with her, I wouldn't ever be her friend. She apparently thought we were all locked in arm friends, which is partly my fault for not setting a successful boundary earlier. She also insists that my mother in law is constantly asking her to visit, but she has to say no because of me now, because I wouldn't want her around on any more trips. Definitely true and was always true. Why in the world would I want my kid's baby mama tagging along everywhere? So I'm faced with this gray area in which I've messily placed boundaries that I had trouble placing, let alone enforcing. I only come off as rude at this point. My eye contact is less than ideal. I've been informed my husband isn't interested in protecting me or getting involved, which is another issue, because he just doesn't see the he's a he's a just don't let it bother you person. And I've felt violated by my stepmother's mother for so many years that I don't know who I am anymore without the nagging sensation that I have to be on alert for an attack.
Just don't let it bother you is not a solution to a problem, right, It's like, oh, it's not a big deal. Well, clearly it's a big deal because it's coming up, you're writing a letter about it. It seems to be something that is frustrating you. It's certainly something that is very likely causing issues in your relationship, to the point that you are talking about it with your husband, with your in laws, and hopefully is not impacting your relationship with your step daughter. I am hearing quite a bit of manipulation on her side. You know, even this whole thing of I thought we were friends, It's like, what friend does this mean? And you know what friend would do these sort of things to you? Not any friend that most of us would have, So that whole speculation of I was just joking. That's not necessarily kind behavior. It is manipulative behavior, the copycatting. You know, there seems to be some issues here around role confusion, right, Like she is the mother, but she is not the wife. Those things are very different, and there are just you know, things that you may not want to do in someone else's home, on someone else's vacation. And although your husband, it seems like he's choosing to sort of take a back seat to this and to say, hey, it's not that big of a deal. I'll just you know, just let it play out, don't make that big of a deal about it. That is his way of not picking a side. You know. I wonder if, because she's expressed some manipulation, is she also doing that with him. Sometimes we think of us being hurt by other people or people doing things to just just us, but she's probably also doing some of that on his side as well, And perhaps he can't see it because it's been happening for so long. But it's not something that you need to highlight to him because this is about you. So that's just for your understanding, right, So what do you do in this situation? It sounds like you're creating some clear boundaries and everyone may not agree with it. And it's okay if the person who's creating all of these issues is a little frustrated because you have these new boundaries. Oh, I can't go over your mother in law's house. Wine wine wine. You know she may be upset about this, but it doesn't mean that the boundary is not needed. Unfortunately, this is a situation where you know she has a different idea about how things could have turned down or her place in the relationship, and it is fair for you to say, actually, you know, we are Mary, and this is where I exist and this is where you exist.
Even more recently, she undermined me in front of my slash hour now almost fourteen year old daughter. Both mom and dad were traveling and me stepmom was in charge, and my daughter called her mom on speakerphone. Her mom asked how girl time was going and isn't it nice when big bosses are away, which to me insinuated that I'm just a girl, a peer to my daughter in fact, and felt a bit like she was undercutting my authority. My daughter is a wonderful human and it's basically a no effort child, so it's not difficult to be in charge. She looked at me, offended for me, and retorted to her mother that I am a hardcore boss. God gotta love that kid. At least someone notices my worth. Now. I wonder what I can say to address this particular incident. It's a microcosm of an entire issue. Saying please do not undercut my authority as a parental figure to my husband's and your child in your absence would create unbelievable issues. I feel so caged. I've led so much slide that it's hard to fathom where I even begin to get a grip.
Well, stop letting it slide from this point on. You know, just because you didn't address it in the past doesn't mean that you have to continue to ignore the big issues. You can say something about it now and it doesn't You know, it doesn't have to be you going back and correcting every issue in twenty sixteen. You did these five things. In twenty eighteen, it was eight. Maybe it's the thing she's doing recently, Maybe it's that phone call that you addressed. But you can start to be a bit more attentive to the things that she's doing, and not ignore them anymore because they are truly bothering you. It is causing you some frustration. It is, you know, I'm sure, making you view your husband in a certain way. So, you know, maturity in these sort of situations would allow for everyone to have their space and for people to get along. But sometimes, you know, feelings get in there, right and this is this is your ex, this is her ex, and she's having to watch him, you know, move on in life, and that may cause her to feel a certain way. But you don't have to dance around that. I'm sure you already know that, and that's why you've been very gentle in your approach. But it sounds like it's time for you to be a bit more assertive if you want these underhanded things to stop. I am so happy to hear that your step daughter is, you know, not on the path of immaturity, and she is able to recognize the value that you add and the importance of you know, your role in all of this, you know, nonsense that's sort of happening. But you need to start speaking up now. Stop letting stuff go, because the going will just go further and further and further. And then you'll be talking about this well, not just when you're forty, you'll be sixty still talking about these issues. So if you want this to sort of summer down, you will have to speak up for yourself. Let's keep listening.
Is it worth my time and effort to tell her my true feelings about it all? It's so deep and complex. I don't think she'd listen. I don't think she'd care. I would present as a victim of me. I took away her dream life. I suspect the child was not accidental for her. I have stayed away from her as much as possible lately because I don't want her to have AMMO. It's Miranda writes anything I say or do may be used against me, but she continues to demand my time and an explanation and is rude to me when I don't provide it. She's defined my adult life. I ultimately didn't have a child because I was kind of scared she'd lose it. Plus, I've never felt supported by my husband and all of this, so I didn't want to bring a child into that. I've lost a lot because of this situation, although I'm at peace with it to some degree, because I know my part in letting it unfold. I love my husband and my step kid. I'm afraid to leave and start over because I'm not sure that's necessary. But I'm terribly fatigued by it all. I can't figure out how to set and keep my boundaries without angering all of the people around me. But I'm suffering. Though she's an intrusive, unkind human, I lost any respect because she treated service industry people like complete garbage. On this road trip. I was a surfer in a past. I feel that people that demean servers are kind of the worst. How can I stay peaceful in a toxic situation that I simply cannot walk away from. How can I present to my husband that this is a huge problem, not to be brushed off by a deal with it comment. My brain doesn't work like his. I feel constant fight or flight, and I have terrible anxiety. I really don't want to start over, but I feel incredibly vulnerable most of the time. I think part of that is my own doing, but the paralysis analysis is seeping into me, and I'm worried what to do next? Am I uniquely doomed?
I would really love to see you get in the driver's seat of your life. If you want to have a child, there is still an opportunity for you to do that. Hopefully, if you want to live in a certain way, she can do whatever she's doing and you can still live your life. You will have to figure out a way to live in the midst of who she is. It sounds like the marriage has been wonderful enough for you to want to stay in it, and so if that is the case, I wonder what is the fear here with being assertive with her? What is your fear around speaking up more, or even having a child, or you know, doing some of these things that you've wanted to do. What is your fear toward doing that? What do you think would happen with her? Like I would hate for you to get to a point in life and start to resent everything that you've given up, to resent yourself for being the sort of person to give up on the things you wanted. Because the stepmother is creating some sort of I don't even know what she's creating, Like, I don't even want to say she's creating some barrier or some problem, you know. I think mostly what she's creating is some resistance So how do you, despite you know what she wants, how do you continue to live your life? It should not be inserved. Your life should not be in service of making her happy or reducing anything that she might feel. She's not doing that for you. It's very interesting when we're trying not to upset the person that's upsetting us. Oh my gosh, I don't want to make her feel worse. She's making you feel terrible. And it's not to say that you have to pay her back in any way, but maybe the payback is living. Maybe you should just be living your life according to the plans that you want to have with yourself. That is a wonderful way for you to live. You do not owe her many of the things that you're doing. You're making, you know, these choices, and long term, I would wonder if there are actual choices you can deal with. Have you really made you know, peace with these things. So she's not standing in the way of you doing anything. It is you you're standing in the way because you're trying to prevent any discomfort that she can have. Meanwhile, she's still uncomfortable even though you've been kind and gentle. You need to hear this a failure to put people in their appropriate place. By setting boundaries, by being clear, will keep you in chaotic situations with them. There is no progress in being passive. If you want something to be different in these chaotic situations, you will have to be assertive. These folks will not change, They will just do more of what they've already been doing. You need to hear. This is an iHeart production hosted by Me that your gloves
