Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedrig Glover to wib and you need to hear this. Sometimes when there is an issue of envy or jealousy, I often wonder do we think that they're better than us? Or are we feeling inferior? When I hear the statement they think they're better than me, or they think that they have this and I don't have that, where does that come from? Are they actually saying it, I'm better than you because I have this car? Or is it how we may feel because we see someone with something. Today's letter comes from a person who is dealing with envy and jealousy in their family, which you know, I think is far more common than we may discuss. It can happen with siblings, It can happen mother to daughter, It can happen father to son, so on and so forth. There are times when we envy what a person has. We can envy a person's spirit or personality. We can even envy the way that they're treated by other people. You know, this letter reminds me of a situation that I've had with a loved one where I didn't think I was doing anything in particular, but they will start making these comments like.

Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm nedrig Glover to wib and you need to hear this. Sometimes when there is an issue of envy or jealousy, I often wonder do we think that they're better than us? Or are we feeling inferior? When I hear the statement they think they're better than me, or they think that they have this and I don't have that, where does that come from? Are they actually saying it, I'm better than you because I have this car? Or is it how we may feel because we see someone with something. Today's letter comes from a person who is dealing with envy and jealousy in their family, which you know, I think is far more common than we may discuss. It can happen with siblings, It can happen mother to daughter, It can happen father to son, so on and so forth. There are times when we envy what a person has. We can envy a person's spirit or personality. We can even envy the way that they're treated by other people. You know, this letter reminds me of a situation that I've had with a loved one where I didn't think I was doing anything in particular, but they will start making these comments like.

Oh, you think you're better because you have.

Oh, you think you're better because you have.

A new necklace, and I'm like, don't you just asked me what I got from my birthday and I said a necklace, and that person started to take it as you know, maybe I was showboting, but I really think what it was they didn't have a necklace. There was nothing being done or said. I wasn't wearing my necklace and saying hey, I have a necklace, I'm better than you, or hey, look at my necklace, you don't even have one. None of that was happening. It was the sheer fact that I had this thing that they did not have. So sometimes when people are jealous or envious, there is nothing you're doing. There is nothing you can do to make the situation better. It's really personal. It is something that they have to deal with. It's not anything that you can change for them. I see it as a very deep wound of worthiness. Let's listen to today's letter.

A new necklace, and I'm like, don't you just asked me what I got from my birthday and I said a necklace, and that person started to take it as you know, maybe I was showboting, but I really think what it was they didn't have a necklace. There was nothing being done or said. I wasn't wearing my necklace and saying hey, I have a necklace, I'm better than you, or hey, look at my necklace, you don't even have one. None of that was happening. It was the sheer fact that I had this thing that they did not have. So sometimes when people are jealous or envious, there is nothing you're doing. There is nothing you can do to make the situation better. It's really personal. It is something that they have to deal with. It's not anything that you can change for them. I see it as a very deep wound of worthiness. Let's listen to today's letter.

Hi there. Ten years ago, my cousin accused me of saying something that I didn't say to make people think I look down on her because of where she lived. She grew up in poverty, and my siblings and I have always lived in nice neighborhoods. For the most part, I hadn't seen her in years, but she often wrote me on Facebook about every two years to catch up. Once I invited everyone to get together, she and her brother started attacking our family online, publicly stating that tables have turned sending threats and basically trying to start a fight with my sisters and I because they were mad that I started a group message to ask if anybody wanted to get together to catch up. This letter started with a sentence that jarred me. Right, they accuse me of something that I didn't say, and I immediately thought, oh, the defensiveness in that statement. So let's say that someone believes that we did something and we don't think we did it. We may want to hear them out. Not that we have to agree, like, yes, okay, I said it, but if we are wanting to repair a relationship, we might not want to talk about how whatever they're thinking is untrue. We can explore this idea with them. What I tend to see is there is some misunderstanding in what was said. So it may be that you didn't say the thing that they thought you said, but maybe something was said, and there was a loud radio up and they thought this word was that word? You know, like maybe there's something else there. So if we're wanting to repair a situation, we really have to think about how we're looking at the situation. Saying to someone I didn't say that will automatically put them on guard. If you're wanting to repair, do not start there. What is it you think I said? Tell me what happened according to your perspective of things. And listen, now you're saying, you know, I really didn't have any issue with them growing up in poverty, and my siblings didn't have any issue with it. You know, we lived in a nice neighborhood, socio economic status, whether it is you know, in a family and a friendship at work. It's divisive, like just the idea of it, your stuff is better than my stuff. And again, you know, where does the idea of better come from. It can be us, It could be other situations where we start to have these ideas about people who have more or less. This is poverty. This is how they do things. This is how they do things. I find it really interesting with kids when there's a lack of compassion around the differences and our lack of control. You know, for children who grow up in a nice neighborhood or in an inner city or an impoverished environment, none of that was their choice. They're born into a family, and this is the circumstance in which they're given. So if you're talking about children, you know, it's always interesting when it goes back to I'm mad at you for having this thing when we were ten years old. I'm mad at you for doing this thing when we were eight. We were children, you know, so much of this stuff that we're now fighting about as adults, so many of these ideas we have about our situation, we didn't have any power and control over. It was our parents. And I wonder, in this situation with your cousin, what were the parents doing to make it more of a compassionate environment. Was there any you know, maybe from your parents like those are your poor cousins, or maybe from their side, this is your rich and uncle, like what was being said, Because I'm gathering that the language you're using, and that you probably used a lot of in childhood is coming from the adults. Because children, if it were from them, I've seen children just be a little more compassionate in their language of describing others. So I wonder, is this you know, some of this stuff shaped by the perspective of the elders in the family and not necessarily your own stuff.

Hi there. Ten years ago, my cousin accused me of saying something that I didn't say to make people think I look down on her because of where she lived. She grew up in poverty, and my siblings and I have always lived in nice neighborhoods. For the most part, I hadn't seen her in years, but she often wrote me on Facebook about every two years to catch up. Once I invited everyone to get together, she and her brother started attacking our family online, publicly stating that tables have turned sending threats and basically trying to start a fight with my sisters and I because they were mad that I started a group message to ask if anybody wanted to get together to catch up. This letter started with a sentence that jarred me. Right, they accuse me of something that I didn't say, and I immediately thought, oh, the defensiveness in that statement. So let's say that someone believes that we did something and we don't think we did it. We may want to hear them out. Not that we have to agree, like, yes, okay, I said it, but if we are wanting to repair a relationship, we might not want to talk about how whatever they're thinking is untrue. We can explore this idea with them. What I tend to see is there is some misunderstanding in what was said. So it may be that you didn't say the thing that they thought you said, but maybe something was said, and there was a loud radio up and they thought this word was that word? You know, like maybe there's something else there. So if we're wanting to repair a situation, we really have to think about how we're looking at the situation. Saying to someone I didn't say that will automatically put them on guard. If you're wanting to repair, do not start there. What is it you think I said? Tell me what happened according to your perspective of things. And listen, now you're saying, you know, I really didn't have any issue with them growing up in poverty, and my siblings didn't have any issue with it. You know, we lived in a nice neighborhood, socio economic status, whether it is you know, in a family and a friendship at work. It's divisive, like just the idea of it, your stuff is better than my stuff. And again, you know, where does the idea of better come from. It can be us, It could be other situations where we start to have these ideas about people who have more or less. This is poverty. This is how they do things. This is how they do things. I find it really interesting with kids when there's a lack of compassion around the differences and our lack of control. You know, for children who grow up in a nice neighborhood or in an inner city or an impoverished environment, none of that was their choice. They're born into a family, and this is the circumstance in which they're given. So if you're talking about children, you know, it's always interesting when it goes back to I'm mad at you for having this thing when we were ten years old. I'm mad at you for doing this thing when we were eight. We were children, you know, so much of this stuff that we're now fighting about as adults, so many of these ideas we have about our situation, we didn't have any power and control over. It was our parents. And I wonder, in this situation with your cousin, what were the parents doing to make it more of a compassionate environment. Was there any you know, maybe from your parents like those are your poor cousins, or maybe from their side, this is your rich and uncle, like what was being said, Because I'm gathering that the language you're using, and that you probably used a lot of in childhood is coming from the adults. Because children, if it were from them, I've seen children just be a little more compassionate in their language of describing others. So I wonder, is this you know, some of this stuff shaped by the perspective of the elders in the family and not necessarily your own stuff.

Let's keep listening.

Let's keep listening.

After that happened, I blocked her and her brother online because it was clear that they had envied us since we were kids, but we just never knew they felt that way about us. I ran into the Maile cousin a few months later. He apologized and we agreed to disagree that the family never treated them like charity.

After that happened, I blocked her and her brother online because it was clear that they had envied us since we were kids, but we just never knew they felt that way about us. I ran into the Maile cousin a few months later. He apologized and we agreed to disagree that the family never treated them like charity.

What I find interesting here is the family never treated him like a charity. Let's say it's true that you all had things that you donated to them, or you gave to them, right like maybe close you out grew, or some furniture or accessories, or you paid for dinner. Let's say that those things are true. It wouldn't be a problem if their perspective about it wasn't that of we're a charity case. Could it have been seen as help I wonder how that situation can be reframed, because it is quite possible that they felt like a charity case because not only were you all offering them things. I'm sure that there were other people in their community, maybe their school, offering things. I went to a school and I remember at Christmas time they would have like these good Fellow boxes and if you were of a certain income bracket, you would get this box and it had like, gosh, I don't even remember, but you know, like a toy and some you know, stuff for a kid if you were of a certain income bracket. So just receiving that box, you could say, oh my gosh, I got a gift for Christmas. Or this organization sees me as a charity case. So it's really based on your perspective. Often we hand things on when we can't use them anymore. Is that charity or is it giving? I just this week, I've given away three bags of stuff from my house because I don't want it anymore. I can't fit it, my kids can't use it. It no longer has a space. I am regifting, I am rehoming. I am not doing this, you know, to be you know, like oh my gosh, I'm better than them, or this sort of thing. It's like, my children can't fit these clothes. Is there a person or a place maybe saying tax bracket as me or a different tax bracket. Who would be willing to pick these clothes up from my home so they can have this size?

What I find interesting here is the family never treated him like a charity. Let's say it's true that you all had things that you donated to them, or you gave to them, right like maybe close you out grew, or some furniture or accessories, or you paid for dinner. Let's say that those things are true. It wouldn't be a problem if their perspective about it wasn't that of we're a charity case. Could it have been seen as help I wonder how that situation can be reframed, because it is quite possible that they felt like a charity case because not only were you all offering them things. I'm sure that there were other people in their community, maybe their school, offering things. I went to a school and I remember at Christmas time they would have like these good Fellow boxes and if you were of a certain income bracket, you would get this box and it had like, gosh, I don't even remember, but you know, like a toy and some you know, stuff for a kid if you were of a certain income bracket. So just receiving that box, you could say, oh my gosh, I got a gift for Christmas. Or this organization sees me as a charity case. So it's really based on your perspective. Often we hand things on when we can't use them anymore. Is that charity or is it giving? I just this week, I've given away three bags of stuff from my house because I don't want it anymore. I can't fit it, my kids can't use it. It no longer has a space. I am regifting, I am rehoming. I am not doing this, you know, to be you know, like oh my gosh, I'm better than them, or this sort of thing. It's like, my children can't fit these clothes. Is there a person or a place maybe saying tax bracket as me or a different tax bracket. Who would be willing to pick these clothes up from my home so they can have this size?

Right?

Right?

So your children can have this size? Are your children interested in legos? Are your children interested in you know, some of these clothes or things that we have. The way that we view what we're doing for others and the way that they view what they're receiving, and how is really important here it's charity or it's a gift. It's charity, or it's rehoming. It's charity or it's help. We don't have the power to shape that meaning for other people. And I hear with your cousins the dispute has been around meaning it didn't mean that, but for them it did. And that is much bigger than what happened with you. It's probably in many instances. I don't know how you know farthest goes for them or how big this thing is for them, Like how many times have they received things from other people? It's not just you a near world, you know, it's other family members, as I said, it's churches, is all sorts of things. If they were in an environment where they're all always asking people for stuff. You are a charity to them. They were treated like a charity. They didn't like it.

So your children can have this size? Are your children interested in legos? Are your children interested in you know, some of these clothes or things that we have. The way that we view what we're doing for others and the way that they view what they're receiving, and how is really important here it's charity or it's a gift. It's charity, or it's rehoming. It's charity or it's help. We don't have the power to shape that meaning for other people. And I hear with your cousins the dispute has been around meaning it didn't mean that, but for them it did. And that is much bigger than what happened with you. It's probably in many instances. I don't know how you know farthest goes for them or how big this thing is for them, Like how many times have they received things from other people? It's not just you a near world, you know, it's other family members, as I said, it's churches, is all sorts of things. If they were in an environment where they're all always asking people for stuff. You are a charity to them. They were treated like a charity. They didn't like it.

It sounds like.

It sounds like.

They wish they were able to afford these things. So as they're saying these things and using this language, I want you to just pause. From their perspective, Could it be true? Not from your perspective, not from your parents' perspective, not from this place of defensiveness, but from their perspective, as children who needed things, who wanted things.

They wish they were able to afford these things. So as they're saying these things and using this language, I want you to just pause. From their perspective, Could it be true? Not from your perspective, not from your parents' perspective, not from this place of defensiveness, but from their perspective, as children who needed things, who wanted things.

Could it be true for them? I think so, you know, I think so.

Could it be true for them? I think so, you know, I think so.

Our world is shaped by what we experience, and we experience things in many different places.

Our world is shaped by what we experience, and we experience things in many different places.

Let's keep listening. We decided it would be fine if we started inviting each other to our kids' birthday parties, since we both had kids the same age. After going to his child's birthday, the male cousin mugged me and ignored me each time I tried speaking to him. My sister wants to keep having a relationship with them, but I have decided not to. What do you think of this situation? Thanks for listening.

Let's keep listening. We decided it would be fine if we started inviting each other to our kids' birthday parties, since we both had kids the same age. After going to his child's birthday, the male cousin mugged me and ignored me each time I tried speaking to him. My sister wants to keep having a relationship with them, but I have decided not to. What do you think of this situation? Thanks for listening.

Hm. You know, this sounds like a very deep wound for them, and it's something that your cousin has to be willing to deal with. When people feel jealous or envious of other people, what I see us trying to do is make them feel better. You know, they feel really bad. I have this car, so I'm going to drive my old, raggedy car. I'm going to pretend to not have what I have. I'm not going to tell them about this promotion I just got. I won't tell them about this thing because we're trying to make them feel better, right Like, I want them to feel better about this thing, when in actuality, it's their work to do. When they feel bad, you get jealous, you feel envious about stuff I know I do. I'm not going to sit on here and say, oh, I've never felt jealous or envious. I have.

Hm. You know, this sounds like a very deep wound for them, and it's something that your cousin has to be willing to deal with. When people feel jealous or envious of other people, what I see us trying to do is make them feel better. You know, they feel really bad. I have this car, so I'm going to drive my old, raggedy car. I'm going to pretend to not have what I have. I'm not going to tell them about this promotion I just got. I won't tell them about this thing because we're trying to make them feel better, right Like, I want them to feel better about this thing, when in actuality, it's their work to do. When they feel bad, you get jealous, you feel envious about stuff I know I do. I'm not going to sit on here and say, oh, I've never felt jealous or envious. I have.

I can tell you a thousand stories about it.

I can tell you a thousand stories about it.

You know, there are times when I'm like, oh, that is so nice that that person has that type of relationship, or they have that thing, or they have this life experience that I haven't had. But when you're doing some work with yourself, when you're in therapy, when you're journaling, when you're in community with people of all different walks of life, you're able to see, like, I really love that for them, and it's okay for me to have a little oh and then go back to I am okay as I am. Some of us don't have that because we're not doing any of that work, and so when we see people with stuff, we even try to get it, you know, I know we do that as we're browsing social medium and we see this new influencer. Oh my gosh, look at her bag. I gotta get that same bag. Where does she get that back? Or oh my gosh, look at her family. I have to get her family. Look at her candles. I have to get her candles, look at his stuff. Blah blah blah blah. You know, we immediately try to capture it as a way to minimize that feeling. But I think what's really helpful is to sit with that and wonder why why do I feel like I need to get rid of it? Why do I feel like this is the solution. Why am I not able to look at stuff and say that is so nice? That candle is so nice for them, But I don't need anymore. You know, the last candle I had it had too much soot and mess my walls up.

You know, there are times when I'm like, oh, that is so nice that that person has that type of relationship, or they have that thing, or they have this life experience that I haven't had. But when you're doing some work with yourself, when you're in therapy, when you're journaling, when you're in community with people of all different walks of life, you're able to see, like, I really love that for them, and it's okay for me to have a little oh and then go back to I am okay as I am. Some of us don't have that because we're not doing any of that work, and so when we see people with stuff, we even try to get it, you know, I know we do that as we're browsing social medium and we see this new influencer. Oh my gosh, look at her bag. I gotta get that same bag. Where does she get that back? Or oh my gosh, look at her family. I have to get her family. Look at her candles. I have to get her candles, look at his stuff. Blah blah blah blah. You know, we immediately try to capture it as a way to minimize that feeling. But I think what's really helpful is to sit with that and wonder why why do I feel like I need to get rid of it? Why do I feel like this is the solution. Why am I not able to look at stuff and say that is so nice? That candle is so nice for them, But I don't need anymore. You know, the last candle I had it had too much soot and mess my walls up.

That's a true story.

That's a true story.

I had a candle that just well, But how do we look at what other people have and love that for them? How do we address those loans of for twenty years, this person thought this about me, and this is you know, they thought I was poor, they thought I was this thing.

I had a candle that just well, But how do we look at what other people have and love that for them? How do we address those loans of for twenty years, this person thought this about me, and this is you know, they thought I was poor, they thought I was this thing.

Is it true?

Is it true?

Are we willing to be in conversation with people to really find out what they thought? Not based on assumption? But how did you see us when we were growing up? What did you think about the differences in our financial status? What did you think about your parents giving us stuff? Well, this is how I felt about it. You know, until we can get into those conversations, we can't get through these issues. But the person who is feeling the envy and the jealousy, they have to be willing to do the work because it's their work to do. And minimizing your success, dimming your life, pretending you don't have stuff. You know, some of these things we do to help them feel better, it's not really helpful, because what's helpful is you figuring out how to deal with the discomfort of a feeling that many of us will have over and over and over about different things. If I could just name a list, if I'm being honest, right now, like, ugh, what are the last few things I've envy? I am a I don't even want to use the word envy because I feel like maybe it doesn't have any anks to it. It doesn't have any like, oh I want to get them. But I have felt like wow in all of people who can do things that I can't do, like make their own commucha, you know, make a fresh holiday wreath, you know, people who can do floral arrangements, people who have you know, sports cars, people who have you know, like all.

Are we willing to be in conversation with people to really find out what they thought? Not based on assumption? But how did you see us when we were growing up? What did you think about the differences in our financial status? What did you think about your parents giving us stuff? Well, this is how I felt about it. You know, until we can get into those conversations, we can't get through these issues. But the person who is feeling the envy and the jealousy, they have to be willing to do the work because it's their work to do. And minimizing your success, dimming your life, pretending you don't have stuff. You know, some of these things we do to help them feel better, it's not really helpful, because what's helpful is you figuring out how to deal with the discomfort of a feeling that many of us will have over and over and over about different things. If I could just name a list, if I'm being honest, right now, like, ugh, what are the last few things I've envy? I am a I don't even want to use the word envy because I feel like maybe it doesn't have any anks to it. It doesn't have any like, oh I want to get them. But I have felt like wow in all of people who can do things that I can't do, like make their own commucha, you know, make a fresh holiday wreath, you know, people who can do floral arrangements, people who have you know, sports cars, people who have you know, like all.

Of these things.

Of these things.

It's like, oh my god, look at this thing. But I wonder, also, how can I learn those things? If I really want those things for myself?

It's like, oh my god, look at this thing. But I wonder, also, how can I learn those things? If I really want those things for myself?

How can I figure out how to make computia? What tutorials do I need to watch to figure out out how to make that flower arrangement? And there are a lot of things that I just have to say that is really good for them. I don't I don't even want to take the time and energy to ferment a fruit ever, you know, I just I really just want to go buy it.

How can I figure out how to make computia? What tutorials do I need to watch to figure out out how to make that flower arrangement? And there are a lot of things that I just have to say that is really good for them. I don't I don't even want to take the time and energy to ferment a fruit ever, you know, I just I really just want to go buy it.

But I'm still really amazed that you can do it. Thank you for doing it, so I can buy it? Right Like, there are other ways for us to you know, support people even when we really love those things. And you know, it takes a really special person to show up in your life and they have a desire for that thing, but they're able to work through their stuff to be in relationship with you. That is top tier self care that they're doing. And we can all really do that work when we are intentional, but many of us are not. We're like, I'm jealous this other person has to do less, be less. They can't talk to me about their stuff, or I'm going to be really upset about it.

But I'm still really amazed that you can do it. Thank you for doing it, so I can buy it? Right Like, there are other ways for us to you know, support people even when we really love those things. And you know, it takes a really special person to show up in your life and they have a desire for that thing, but they're able to work through their stuff to be in relationship with you. That is top tier self care that they're doing. And we can all really do that work when we are intentional, but many of us are not. We're like, I'm jealous this other person has to do less, be less. They can't talk to me about their stuff, or I'm going to be really upset about it.

We have to do the work.

We have to do the work.

To be able to withstand someone having stuff, with someone being a certain way, or you know, having certain successes in life. Everything is not for us. But when we lead with unhealthy feelings towards people, it doesn't clear the path for our goodness. It doesn't clear a path for us to attract the things that we could have. You know, I spoke earlier about the situation with the necklace. I think that was you know, my situation with like the necklace, like oh you got a necklace or you know, but it evolved, you know it. I think in relationships, it just goes from one thing to the next. If we're not able, it's oh my gosh, you have a necklace. Oh yeah, whatever, you got a new job. You know, it really taints the relationship because the person on the receiving side is like, well, I don't want to tell this person anything. I don't want to invite them to my stuff. Like I want to be in relationship with people.

To be able to withstand someone having stuff, with someone being a certain way, or you know, having certain successes in life. Everything is not for us. But when we lead with unhealthy feelings towards people, it doesn't clear the path for our goodness. It doesn't clear a path for us to attract the things that we could have. You know, I spoke earlier about the situation with the necklace. I think that was you know, my situation with like the necklace, like oh you got a necklace or you know, but it evolved, you know it. I think in relationships, it just goes from one thing to the next. If we're not able, it's oh my gosh, you have a necklace. Oh yeah, whatever, you got a new job. You know, it really taints the relationship because the person on the receiving side is like, well, I don't want to tell this person anything. I don't want to invite them to my stuff. Like I want to be in relationship with people.

Who are happy for me.

Who are happy for me.

So if you notice, you know, in either direction, if you're the person who's like, oh, this is how I act when I feel envious, we have to do the work of being able to be in relationships with people when they have things that we may want or desire.

So if you notice, you know, in either direction, if you're the person who's like, oh, this is how I act when I feel envious, we have to do the work of being able to be in relationships with people when they have things that we may want or desire.

We have to mind our mouth.

We have to mind our mouth.

You know.

You know.

Sometimes we are making comments that, oh, that must be nice for you. You know what comment I love to say right now, I love that for you. And that's the way I say I love that for you, because the way we say it matters. I love that for you. Please don't say that you want to make sure that you I love that for you, because you know, there are some things I'm just like, oh, that is so amazing you're going on that trip. I do love that for you because you're a great human being. I don't think you don't deserve to go on a trip. Now I want to go on a trip, but I think you deserve to go on a trip. I don't think we have to pick right now who gets to go. Clearly it's you, so I don't need to say you wish it was me.

Sometimes we are making comments that, oh, that must be nice for you. You know what comment I love to say right now, I love that for you. And that's the way I say I love that for you, because the way we say it matters. I love that for you. Please don't say that you want to make sure that you I love that for you, because you know, there are some things I'm just like, oh, that is so amazing you're going on that trip. I do love that for you because you're a great human being. I don't think you don't deserve to go on a trip. Now I want to go on a trip, but I think you deserve to go on a trip. I don't think we have to pick right now who gets to go. Clearly it's you, so I don't need to say you wish it was me.

You're going.

You're going.

I can be in this moment with you. If that's a trip I really want to go on, I will figure it out. What I find is, as we are trying to live the life of other people get these things that they have, acquire the accouterments of what we think of as their happiness, it doesn't feel so good when we get it. It doesn't feel the way that we thought it would. It doesn't give us the level of pleasure that it probably gave them. Why it's not ours to have. We're not supposed to have every single thing that another person has. We're not supposed to live the life of other people. Your story is your story, and your cousin's story that is their story. I hear you saying you don't want to have the relationship, and I get that. You know when someone has these deep issues with you that it sounds like has nothing to do with anything you can control in childhood. It's no longer it's not your work to do. This is work that they need to do in order to be in a relationship with a person that they have this view of. So I'm going back to the question that I asked at the top of this. Do they think they're better or do we feel inferior? I want you to think about that. You need to hear this. Envy and jealousy are normal emotions. What makes those emotions unhealthy is how we respond to them in our relationships with other people. We can feel jealous, we can feel envious, but it's not always appropriate to make mean comments. It's not always appropriate to bring up past incidents and talk about how they were this and you were that, or to tell people how they don't deserve it or you want it. Those are the things that you may not want to do when you feel discomfort around what other people have or who they are. If you're dealing with jealousy or envy, which many of us are, you know, if we're really being honest, there is something that we have been like, ugh, even this week, even today. Get clear about what your stuff is. Make an envy list, make a list and just say this is my stuff when this comes up with people, not when it comes up with me, but when it comes up with people. Uh, these are the things that kind of poke at me because I wish I had those things. Get clear about that so when it happens you have a level of awareness, it's not shocking. Maybe your thing is, you know, people who grew up in certain financial backgrounds. Maybe your thing is people who drive certain types of cars. Maybe your thing is people who live in tiny houses. I don't know, but you have a thing. Be aware of what your thing is. You need to hear. This is an iHeart production. Host it by me Ndra Glover to wob Our executive producer is Joe l Vodique. Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships. You need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it, and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this.

I can be in this moment with you. If that's a trip I really want to go on, I will figure it out. What I find is, as we are trying to live the life of other people get these things that they have, acquire the accouterments of what we think of as their happiness, it doesn't feel so good when we get it. It doesn't feel the way that we thought it would. It doesn't give us the level of pleasure that it probably gave them. Why it's not ours to have. We're not supposed to have every single thing that another person has. We're not supposed to live the life of other people. Your story is your story, and your cousin's story that is their story. I hear you saying you don't want to have the relationship, and I get that. You know when someone has these deep issues with you that it sounds like has nothing to do with anything you can control in childhood. It's no longer it's not your work to do. This is work that they need to do in order to be in a relationship with a person that they have this view of. So I'm going back to the question that I asked at the top of this. Do they think they're better or do we feel inferior? I want you to think about that. You need to hear this. Envy and jealousy are normal emotions. What makes those emotions unhealthy is how we respond to them in our relationships with other people. We can feel jealous, we can feel envious, but it's not always appropriate to make mean comments. It's not always appropriate to bring up past incidents and talk about how they were this and you were that, or to tell people how they don't deserve it or you want it. Those are the things that you may not want to do when you feel discomfort around what other people have or who they are. If you're dealing with jealousy or envy, which many of us are, you know, if we're really being honest, there is something that we have been like, ugh, even this week, even today. Get clear about what your stuff is. Make an envy list, make a list and just say this is my stuff when this comes up with people, not when it comes up with me, but when it comes up with people. Uh, these are the things that kind of poke at me because I wish I had those things. Get clear about that so when it happens you have a level of awareness, it's not shocking. Maybe your thing is, you know, people who grew up in certain financial backgrounds. Maybe your thing is people who drive certain types of cars. Maybe your thing is people who live in tiny houses. I don't know, but you have a thing. Be aware of what your thing is. You need to hear. This is an iHeart production. Host it by me Ndra Glover to wob Our executive producer is Joe l Vodique. Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships. You need to hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it, and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this.

Talk to you next time.

Talk to you next time.