Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedrich Glover to WIB and you need to hear this. In this week's call, we will be talking to a mom about setting boundaries with her parents. This is one of the harder topics for us adult children. It can be really challenging when our parents have views that we may not support, or we have views that they don't support, and advocating for our needs may mean that their needs are unmet. There are situations that concern safety in this call today, and I'd love for us to listen and talk about what are the things we can do when safety is a concern in our relationships with others. One thing to remember about setting boundaries is they are unique and personal. And sometimes our boundaries are so unique that we have so many questions about them. Is this the right boundary? Am I saying this the right way? Is this situation a situation where you would place a boundary? But there are no rules? And many things come up in life there are you know, new things presented, and as soon as you feel like, oh my gosh, I have boundaries master, there is something different that occurs. So boundaries will change in your relationships with others. New boundaries will appear, and it's just a continuous practice. It's not that you're bad at boundaries. It can just be that this is a new situation that you haven't considered. This is a new situation that we need new boundaries for. Today, we'll hear a case from a caller who has an issue with how her parents store guns in their home. We can protect our kids even when other people are saying, oh, you're being overprotective. You're trying to keep them away from everything. There are instances where we're actually not protecting them enough. So let's get into the call from this week.

Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedrich Glover to WIB and you need to hear this. In this week's call, we will be talking to a mom about setting boundaries with her parents. This is one of the harder topics for us adult children. It can be really challenging when our parents have views that we may not support, or we have views that they don't support, and advocating for our needs may mean that their needs are unmet. There are situations that concern safety in this call today, and I'd love for us to listen and talk about what are the things we can do when safety is a concern in our relationships with others. One thing to remember about setting boundaries is they are unique and personal. And sometimes our boundaries are so unique that we have so many questions about them. Is this the right boundary? Am I saying this the right way? Is this situation a situation where you would place a boundary? But there are no rules? And many things come up in life there are you know, new things presented, and as soon as you feel like, oh my gosh, I have boundaries master, there is something different that occurs. So boundaries will change in your relationships with others. New boundaries will appear, and it's just a continuous practice. It's not that you're bad at boundaries. It can just be that this is a new situation that you haven't considered. This is a new situation that we need new boundaries for. Today, we'll hear a case from a caller who has an issue with how her parents store guns in their home. We can protect our kids even when other people are saying, oh, you're being overprotective. You're trying to keep them away from everything. There are instances where we're actually not protecting them enough. So let's get into the call from this week.

Hi Ndra, thank you for taking this and hopefully you can help me or at least confirm that what I'm doing is right. My parents purchased my grandmother's home in a small Texas town several years ago before I was married or had children, and they remodeled it years ago too, but left a glass gun cabinet which was part of my grandparents' house originally. My father insists on keeping his unloaded and trigger locked rifles in that case, which is very visible in the main TV room, and instead of purchasing a gun cave to store them in and out of, sight, he just leaves them there. My husband and I now have two younger boys, ages ten and six, and when they were younger babies, I didn't mention anything to my parents because I was just used to them being there also in what was my grandmother's home, and at that time my kids were also not very mobile. As they started growing up, though, I mentioned to my parents that I needed them to consider storing them away so that it's safer for everyone, but especially safer for my kids. They didn't understand why it was suddenly an issue, and they blew it off.

Hi Ndra, thank you for taking this and hopefully you can help me or at least confirm that what I'm doing is right. My parents purchased my grandmother's home in a small Texas town several years ago before I was married or had children, and they remodeled it years ago too, but left a glass gun cabinet which was part of my grandparents' house originally. My father insists on keeping his unloaded and trigger locked rifles in that case, which is very visible in the main TV room, and instead of purchasing a gun cave to store them in and out of, sight, he just leaves them there. My husband and I now have two younger boys, ages ten and six, and when they were younger babies, I didn't mention anything to my parents because I was just used to them being there also in what was my grandmother's home, and at that time my kids were also not very mobile. As they started growing up, though, I mentioned to my parents that I needed them to consider storing them away so that it's safer for everyone, but especially safer for my kids. They didn't understand why it was suddenly an issue, and they blew it off.

I hear the caller asking, am I doing the right thing? Sometimes the right thing is really, you know, subjective. It's what we think is right, and the other person has a belief of what they may feel is right. Being right isn't necessarily the point of entry or a difficult conversation. It could be coming to a compromise. It could be discussing the safety and not necessarily trying to be right with children. There's this idea of overprotection, and then on the flip side of that, there is under protection. Is when we're shielding kids from everything, they don't have the opportunity to experience things that are normal and healthy for their age, and then under protection is where we may allow them to experience things that are not appropriate for their age. So, as the caller stated, when they were babies, this was not an issue because when you're crawling and you're not as mobile, you can't gain access to items that might be dangerous. But around you know that time where kids start to crawl, you start to put more protections in place in the home. You may lock your cabinets, you may you know, lock the toilet bowl, or you may put those things over the outlets to make sure that they're safe. And it sounds like this is another extension of making sure that the kids are safe in someone else's care. So I would love to get back into this letter and keep going, but I do want you to remember that sometimes what is right for you may not be right for the other person.

I hear the caller asking, am I doing the right thing? Sometimes the right thing is really, you know, subjective. It's what we think is right, and the other person has a belief of what they may feel is right. Being right isn't necessarily the point of entry or a difficult conversation. It could be coming to a compromise. It could be discussing the safety and not necessarily trying to be right with children. There's this idea of overprotection, and then on the flip side of that, there is under protection. Is when we're shielding kids from everything, they don't have the opportunity to experience things that are normal and healthy for their age, and then under protection is where we may allow them to experience things that are not appropriate for their age. So, as the caller stated, when they were babies, this was not an issue because when you're crawling and you're not as mobile, you can't gain access to items that might be dangerous. But around you know that time where kids start to crawl, you start to put more protections in place in the home. You may lock your cabinets, you may you know, lock the toilet bowl, or you may put those things over the outlets to make sure that they're safe. And it sounds like this is another extension of making sure that the kids are safe in someone else's care. So I would love to get back into this letter and keep going, but I do want you to remember that sometimes what is right for you may not be right for the other person.

And then COVID hit and we weren't seeing them anyway. Fast forward to post COVID and several school shootings later. I have brought up the subject many times, and they, especially my father, turn it around on me. You need to be responsible and teach them about guns. It's my house and I'm not moving them anywhere, and I've said I see your perspective and that you don't want me telling you what to do in your home. But I see this as a safety issue, and I'm asking you to see my needs as a mom, as your daughter. If you will not store these safely in a safe as I've asked, then we cannot visit you anymore. I reminded him that they are welcome to come see us in our home in Austin, but for their own reasons, they don't do that very often. My dad has always really expected us to go see him. This has been especially heartbreaking for my mother, who now can't have her grandkids visit. She also doesn't stand up to my dad to try to change things, and I don't trust the situation in their home, regardless of how safe they think it is. My babies come first.

And then COVID hit and we weren't seeing them anyway. Fast forward to post COVID and several school shootings later. I have brought up the subject many times, and they, especially my father, turn it around on me. You need to be responsible and teach them about guns. It's my house and I'm not moving them anywhere, and I've said I see your perspective and that you don't want me telling you what to do in your home. But I see this as a safety issue, and I'm asking you to see my needs as a mom, as your daughter. If you will not store these safely in a safe as I've asked, then we cannot visit you anymore. I reminded him that they are welcome to come see us in our home in Austin, but for their own reasons, they don't do that very often. My dad has always really expected us to go see him. This has been especially heartbreaking for my mother, who now can't have her grandkids visit. She also doesn't stand up to my dad to try to change things, and I don't trust the situation in their home, regardless of how safe they think it is. My babies come first.

Oh a mother's cry, My babies come first, and saying that it is very clear to me that all parties won't be pleased the acceptance in this is your very clearly stated boundary. We cannot come to your house for visits anymore if you're unwilling to remove the guns or store them safely. That sounds like a reasonable request. However, you know, in our homes, we have our own rules, and it seems like your dad is really advocating for displaying his guns in the way that he wants to, and your choice here is to draw a firm boundary of my kids cannot visit. I love what your dad said about talk to your kids about it, because that's a really important thing, especially in this day and age. There are so many school shootings and gun violence incidents, So gun safety overall should be a conversation with kids. I know now that even in school, they're having these intruder drills, and they're having these safety drills in school, so kids are already learning about guns. So your dad has a point there, you know, talking to them about not just gun safety, but also the dangers of guns, and having those conversations with their friends' parents. You know, you may want to know if they have guns in their homes or other family members. So this is a conversation that extends beyond your parents. It's an important conversation to have with adults who your kids may have a relationship with. So keep going with this conversation. I think it's very healthy to talk about this in an open way with your he is, especially as they are entering the world. I know that, you know, with kids having these safety drills. Now, my kids told me, like, we have these these drills for the bad guys, and so they already know so much about what bad guys are and guns and these sorts of things. So as an extra precaution, you may want to have those conversations and continue in your very clearly stated boundaries. I love that despite the discomfort of having this conversation with your parents, you were willing to do it for the safety of your children. Kids don't always understand what we say, they understand what they see, and so even having the conversation of this gun is dangerous, don't touch it. How many times do we still do things that we're not supposed to do out of curiosity. So even placing you know, if they were to go to your parents' house, even placing the responsibility on them to protect themselves with that item, it is misplaced responsibility. It's not up for a Kia to say, Okay, this is the dangerous thing that I need to stay away from, as much as it is the adult's responsibility to say this is dangerous and I will protect you from it.

Oh a mother's cry, My babies come first, and saying that it is very clear to me that all parties won't be pleased the acceptance in this is your very clearly stated boundary. We cannot come to your house for visits anymore if you're unwilling to remove the guns or store them safely. That sounds like a reasonable request. However, you know, in our homes, we have our own rules, and it seems like your dad is really advocating for displaying his guns in the way that he wants to, and your choice here is to draw a firm boundary of my kids cannot visit. I love what your dad said about talk to your kids about it, because that's a really important thing, especially in this day and age. There are so many school shootings and gun violence incidents, So gun safety overall should be a conversation with kids. I know now that even in school, they're having these intruder drills, and they're having these safety drills in school, so kids are already learning about guns. So your dad has a point there, you know, talking to them about not just gun safety, but also the dangers of guns, and having those conversations with their friends' parents. You know, you may want to know if they have guns in their homes or other family members. So this is a conversation that extends beyond your parents. It's an important conversation to have with adults who your kids may have a relationship with. So keep going with this conversation. I think it's very healthy to talk about this in an open way with your he is, especially as they are entering the world. I know that, you know, with kids having these safety drills. Now, my kids told me, like, we have these these drills for the bad guys, and so they already know so much about what bad guys are and guns and these sorts of things. So as an extra precaution, you may want to have those conversations and continue in your very clearly stated boundaries. I love that despite the discomfort of having this conversation with your parents, you were willing to do it for the safety of your children. Kids don't always understand what we say, they understand what they see, and so even having the conversation of this gun is dangerous, don't touch it. How many times do we still do things that we're not supposed to do out of curiosity. So even placing you know, if they were to go to your parents' house, even placing the responsibility on them to protect themselves with that item, it is misplaced responsibility. It's not up for a Kia to say, Okay, this is the dangerous thing that I need to stay away from, as much as it is the adult's responsibility to say this is dangerous and I will protect you from it.

And this is one of many things my parents and I disagree on, but it's one I feel very extremely strong about. I don't like guns at all. I never have, even though I had uncles that would go, you know, shoot deer over the weekends. I do respect the views of others, though, as long as they're being responsible, And I wonder have other families encountered something similar? Would you advise me to handle it differently? I too, am very sad that my kids will not have a relationship with my parents as I envisioned, but I'm not willing to back down. Kids in their safety come first period. Thank you so much for your time.

And this is one of many things my parents and I disagree on, but it's one I feel very extremely strong about. I don't like guns at all. I never have, even though I had uncles that would go, you know, shoot deer over the weekends. I do respect the views of others, though, as long as they're being responsible, And I wonder have other families encountered something similar? Would you advise me to handle it differently? I too, am very sad that my kids will not have a relationship with my parents as I envisioned, but I'm not willing to back down. Kids in their safety come first period. Thank you so much for your time.

The acceptance in this is you say, my father is entitled to have his view. You have given him an opportunity to make a different choice, and he is choosing not to. To say that your kids cannot have a relationship with your father, I wonder if that's completely true. You know, we have zoom, there are phone calls. You know your dad may not visit, but perhaps when you go visit your parents, you can stay in a hotel or with another family member and meet your father out at a restaurant, or meet him while engaging in some activities, so there still can be a relationship there. It may not include visiting your parents' home. But I wonder what creative ways you can think of to have the relationship continue with your kids if that's what you want, and it seems like you really want that, but you want to protect them from the guns in your parents' home. When we're trying to change people, we will sometimes use taking away the relationship as an encouragement for them to change. If you don't do this, then I won't talk to you anymore, when really what we want to say is, if you don't do this, I want to figure out a way that we can still be in relationship with each other. So it might not be that the relationship is over. It could be that it transitions in a different way that excludes your children from visiting their home. So I would encourage you to think about what can the relationship look like If they can't visit their grandparents' home. There are so many other places that they may be able to visit with their grandparents. There may be other things that they can do, and there are certainly so many technologies available where they can keep in touch. For your mom, you can't change her position on this. It sounds like she is clear about not really taking a position, and it does impact her relationship with the kids and her ability to have that in person connection. But again, I wonder if your mother would be willing to visit perhaps without your father. You say your parents don't visit as much, and that's a whole nother issue. But is it your father not wanting to visit or is it both parents? There are times when in the parent dynamic we will lump mother and father together and it's quite possible to pull those relationships apart and say, you know, perhaps this is not possible with my father, but with my mother, I am able to do these things. So again, get really creative about how those relationships can continue despite this issue, and how you can, you know, maybe meet with them in other spaces and agree to disagree on this conversation. You know, it sounds like it's not going to be a happy ending here because your father is pretty confident in saying I'm not making any changes, and so you have to allow that, and it sounds like you're willing to do that, And the question is, really, how do we move forward with this being the case one of your questions is have other families encountered something similar? You know, I think in this age there are many people who have whether it's political beliefs or you know, maybe guns in their home or lifestyle choices that we may not agree with, and our kids are going into these spaces and parents have to make a tough choice to protect their children. So I would say yes, lots of families encounter some level of disagreement with their parents. One because it's two different generations. You know, perhaps based on your father's you know, time of being raised, his cultural dynamics, having guns in the home and having them loaded without any safety measures. Perhaps that was the case when he was growing up, and he may be thinking, you know, when when I was a kid, I didn't touch a gun. But times have change and we see what's now happening in the world, and despite what a parent may tell a child, these things are continuing to happen, and so there does have to be some responsibility on the adults. So in families, yeah, we we have these issues, and I wonder, you know, how can we talk more openly about these issues and how we work with these differences instead of you know, this relationship is you know over I can't ex this thing with this person. How do we transition away from ending the relationship to accepting the limitations of the relationship and figuring out different ways to be in the relationship. Your second question is would you advise me to handle it differently? I think you did such a beautiful job of drawing your boundary and standing firm in it. Not many of us have the courage to say to a parent, you cannot see my babies in your home if you're unwilling to do this. I don't think there's anything that needs to be changed there. This is the boundary you needed, and that's why you spoke it. There are people who may disagree on your boundary, right like there may be other relatives or even your mother or friends who may say, oh, it's not that big of a deal, let your kids go. This is your boundary, and it's your boundary because of what you deem appropriate. You're the parent in this situation, so you have the right to set this boundary. So I don't think you're mishandling the situation. It sounds like you're being as thoughtful as possible in a scenario that does not have a happy ending. To it. There will be a lot of grieving the loss of, you know, maybe being able to visit your parents for a while. You know your kids will only be kids for so long, and you know, once they become adults, you can resume the visitation or they can decide to resume the visitation. But for now, it is a pause in those in person experiences. So I think you have curated the best way possible for you to handle this situation. You need to hear this. When it comes to placing boundaries, we have no clue what is a curate and we have to trust ourselves in these moments of curating boundaries to fit our unique situations. If the other person doesn't like it, it's not always an indicator that oh my gosh, I've done you know, a terrible thing, or this was the wrong boundary, or I'm not right. It could just be the other person doesn't want to be flexible, they don't want to change, and that's okay. Your boundary is for you. It's not for you to change other people. It's for you to be safe in your relationships with them. So I love today's call and how that boundary was around. This is what I will do. Here's an option of something you can do, but here's what I'll do. If you're not willing to do that thing. Remember that boundaries are for you in your relationships with other people. You need to hear This is an iHeart production. Host It by me Nedra Glover to wob Our. Executive producer is Joel Baldique. Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at You need to Hear This at iHeartMedia dot com. You know, I'm really interested in people who want to talk more about frenemies, postpartum and father son relationships. If you are having any challenges in those areas or you're looking to process something in those areas, please send us a voice note or write a letter and I would love to talk through those issues with you on You need to Hear This

The acceptance in this is you say, my father is entitled to have his view. You have given him an opportunity to make a different choice, and he is choosing not to. To say that your kids cannot have a relationship with your father, I wonder if that's completely true. You know, we have zoom, there are phone calls. You know your dad may not visit, but perhaps when you go visit your parents, you can stay in a hotel or with another family member and meet your father out at a restaurant, or meet him while engaging in some activities, so there still can be a relationship there. It may not include visiting your parents' home. But I wonder what creative ways you can think of to have the relationship continue with your kids if that's what you want, and it seems like you really want that, but you want to protect them from the guns in your parents' home. When we're trying to change people, we will sometimes use taking away the relationship as an encouragement for them to change. If you don't do this, then I won't talk to you anymore, when really what we want to say is, if you don't do this, I want to figure out a way that we can still be in relationship with each other. So it might not be that the relationship is over. It could be that it transitions in a different way that excludes your children from visiting their home. So I would encourage you to think about what can the relationship look like If they can't visit their grandparents' home. There are so many other places that they may be able to visit with their grandparents. There may be other things that they can do, and there are certainly so many technologies available where they can keep in touch. For your mom, you can't change her position on this. It sounds like she is clear about not really taking a position, and it does impact her relationship with the kids and her ability to have that in person connection. But again, I wonder if your mother would be willing to visit perhaps without your father. You say your parents don't visit as much, and that's a whole nother issue. But is it your father not wanting to visit or is it both parents? There are times when in the parent dynamic we will lump mother and father together and it's quite possible to pull those relationships apart and say, you know, perhaps this is not possible with my father, but with my mother, I am able to do these things. So again, get really creative about how those relationships can continue despite this issue, and how you can, you know, maybe meet with them in other spaces and agree to disagree on this conversation. You know, it sounds like it's not going to be a happy ending here because your father is pretty confident in saying I'm not making any changes, and so you have to allow that, and it sounds like you're willing to do that, And the question is, really, how do we move forward with this being the case one of your questions is have other families encountered something similar? You know, I think in this age there are many people who have whether it's political beliefs or you know, maybe guns in their home or lifestyle choices that we may not agree with, and our kids are going into these spaces and parents have to make a tough choice to protect their children. So I would say yes, lots of families encounter some level of disagreement with their parents. One because it's two different generations. You know, perhaps based on your father's you know, time of being raised, his cultural dynamics, having guns in the home and having them loaded without any safety measures. Perhaps that was the case when he was growing up, and he may be thinking, you know, when when I was a kid, I didn't touch a gun. But times have change and we see what's now happening in the world, and despite what a parent may tell a child, these things are continuing to happen, and so there does have to be some responsibility on the adults. So in families, yeah, we we have these issues, and I wonder, you know, how can we talk more openly about these issues and how we work with these differences instead of you know, this relationship is you know over I can't ex this thing with this person. How do we transition away from ending the relationship to accepting the limitations of the relationship and figuring out different ways to be in the relationship. Your second question is would you advise me to handle it differently? I think you did such a beautiful job of drawing your boundary and standing firm in it. Not many of us have the courage to say to a parent, you cannot see my babies in your home if you're unwilling to do this. I don't think there's anything that needs to be changed there. This is the boundary you needed, and that's why you spoke it. There are people who may disagree on your boundary, right like there may be other relatives or even your mother or friends who may say, oh, it's not that big of a deal, let your kids go. This is your boundary, and it's your boundary because of what you deem appropriate. You're the parent in this situation, so you have the right to set this boundary. So I don't think you're mishandling the situation. It sounds like you're being as thoughtful as possible in a scenario that does not have a happy ending. To it. There will be a lot of grieving the loss of, you know, maybe being able to visit your parents for a while. You know your kids will only be kids for so long, and you know, once they become adults, you can resume the visitation or they can decide to resume the visitation. But for now, it is a pause in those in person experiences. So I think you have curated the best way possible for you to handle this situation. You need to hear this. When it comes to placing boundaries, we have no clue what is a curate and we have to trust ourselves in these moments of curating boundaries to fit our unique situations. If the other person doesn't like it, it's not always an indicator that oh my gosh, I've done you know, a terrible thing, or this was the wrong boundary, or I'm not right. It could just be the other person doesn't want to be flexible, they don't want to change, and that's okay. Your boundary is for you. It's not for you to change other people. It's for you to be safe in your relationships with them. So I love today's call and how that boundary was around. This is what I will do. Here's an option of something you can do, but here's what I'll do. If you're not willing to do that thing. Remember that boundaries are for you in your relationships with other people. You need to hear This is an iHeart production. Host It by me Nedra Glover to wob Our. Executive producer is Joel Baldique. Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at You need to Hear This at iHeartMedia dot com. You know, I'm really interested in people who want to talk more about frenemies, postpartum and father son relationships. If you are having any challenges in those areas or you're looking to process something in those areas, please send us a voice note or write a letter and I would love to talk through those issues with you on You need to Hear This