You Need to Hear This with Nedra TawwabNedra answers a caller with a common desire: friendship. Nedra helps us manage our expactations when it comes to looking for new connections, and points out what's really important when it comes to the company we keep. Is a "sometimes friend" worth having?
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Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedra Glover to wab and you need to hear this. This week we will be talking about making new friends and maintaining friendships. I happened to be a transplant to Charlotte, North Carolina more than ten years ago. I moved to Charlotte from Detroit, Michigan, and it was very lonely at first. All of my really close friendships were back in Detroit, and I remember going out and being in social settings texting my close friends in Detroit, and I realized that, you know, one of the things that will really help me enjoy this new season of life is to meet new people, to really get into some new healthy relationships. And a big thing for me, I could not compare these new connections to the people who know me since middle school or high school, because that was one of my things. I was like, oh my gosh, this new person, I'm having to feel them in or you know, let them know all of this background information and I don't have to do it quickly. You know, it can happen over time, it may take years. The people who I had back in Detroit, they were with me for a lot of those experiences, so I had to get this new idea that building new friendships is gonna look a little different than those old friendships that I have. Not that I'm settling with my new friends, but I'm certainly aware that it takes time to get your friendships to where you want them to be. So today's caller will talk about being in a space in life and needing new friends. And sometimes this happens for us when we make a life shift. Perhaps we become parents, we move to a new place, we shed some of those old parts of ourselves, so many different reasons we may need new friendships. So loneliness. Loneliness is when we do not feel connected in a way that we like to. Sometimes we're around people and we still feel lonely because it's not the people we want to be with, or the connections are not deep. And unfortunately, the only cure to loneliness is connection. It is finding people who are your people. It takes time, it is possible, and it's something that with practice we can learn to do a better job of. Often as adults, adulthood leads us away from friendships and maybe more into our relationships with our partner, kids, or work and all these other things, But friendship is really important. It sustains our life.
You know.
There are so many research studies about how people with healthy friendships live longer. So I consider friendship building to be a self care practice. Let's listen to a bit from today's caller.
Hi, Niedra, I'm thirty six, and I'm getting a little desperate for new friends and connections. Instead of a new Year's resolution, in twenty twenty two, I gave myself this theme for the year, clarity and ascension. I've exercised more courage and boundary setting and genuine intimate vulnerability than ever, and I stayed true to those goals. I've made some big decisions and big changes. I'm looking forward to the space I've created to spread my wings out a little more than i'd become used to. As a matter of fact, my twenty twenty three theme is now Momentum and connection through expression. I'm looking forward to seeing what this brings me, even though it's no doubt a real challenge. But missing from the picture, unfortunately, is any semblance of a healthy social life. I've learned a lot about how to detect and honor my discomforts and how to plainly accept many of the people in my life as they are. Most of those people, however, came into my life when I was a different version of myself, and today's version of me wants something different.
Setting an intention is really good, and I think is wonderful for us to manifest what we want, and we need to follow through with actions Other than saying I'm focused on connection and momentum, what does that look like in your practices? Does that mean that you are going to new places, You're talking to more people in an exercise class, You're trying to connect with your children's friends parents, What does that look like in act, actual practice? Because us having an intention and actually practicing it is the thing that matters. The intention is so, so so important. I don't want you to get away from setting intentions, but you also have to have some practices to go along with those intentions. As we are meeting new friends, as I mentioned in the intro, I've had the challenge of creating this sort of hierarchy of oh my gosh, this relationship isn't as deep as my relationship with so and so. But guess what associates are important? There are different levels to our friendships, right, so You may have someone who you're close to you speak with every day. There may be a friend you speak with monthly or occasionally, but all of those things can matter. So when you say I don't have any I don't have a healthy social life, I wonder who are those people you're connecting with, maybe even infrequently. And if you want more connection, how do you start to have more regularity? Do you call the person more often? Do you ask them to participate in various things with you in your life? A few months ago, while I was on book tour, one of my friends that I had not seen in thirteen years. Why because we've had kids, we've gotten married. She lives in Philadelphia. I live in Charlotte. We had not seen each other since we both lived in Detroit, and you know, it's really tough to maintain a friendship when you don't live in the same place, so we've lost so much contact. But she made her way to DC to see me at my book tour event and it was so it was so powerful just seeing her, and I mean, she looks the same and it was like, oh, my gosh, thirteen years is such a long time to go without the connection that we used to have nothing happened. We didn't fall out, There was no thing. It's just that we don't talk as much anymore. We don't see each other as much anymore. So I can't say that I lost a friend as much as I can say we fail to maintain that connection. Let's take a quick break and get right back to this.
I'm in no hurry to cut folks out from contacting me, dye my hair, knockt like a different person, but I am deeply feeling the consequences of not having built and maintained tighter bonds throughout my life. I'm on dating apps, I'm turning new things and going to new places, meeting new people when I can, but I often since I must be doing it wrong because I remained so intensely lonely and disconnected. So a bit of background about myself. I dropped out of my BA very early after my first or second year, I think, and I opted to kind of expand my social life and continue working. And I did that by volunteering and getting really deep into a lot of grassroots, local activist movements, working part time at local cafes. Basically, I was a hippie and I was a really good hippie. I made amazing friends. We made some of the most interesting connections. We hitchhiked, we had arts and craft nights, we got up to some very fun, good wholesome trouble together, and those connections seemed very tight. However, they fizzled very quickly.
It sounds like at some point this caller had no issues with making friends and engaging in a social life. So I wonder, is they're an issue now with time? You know, our friendships require some allocation of time. And when we have children, when we have a partner and we're trying to maintain family relationships, and we're trying to also make sure we're bathing daily, and all of these life things, we may no longer have the time to have arts and craft nights or have these connections with our friends as we used to when we were younger. You know, when we were in school, you have the opportunity to see a lot of your friends every single day, and maybe our expectation becomes that we can only be close if I see this person every day in school, or every day at work, or every day in one of my classes. How do we develop some sense of closeness? Is that's not connected to frequency, because it is possible to keep in touch with a person maybe that's even sent in a text every day or getting together once a month. How do we evolve when we add these other things to our life? How do we evolve our friendships to be a part of the other things that we're doing in life? Whatever those roles are.
Some really interesting troubles befell the social group. Had Those troubles lasted for a long time, and it seemed to kind of spread. The more friends we made, the more troubles that kind of befell this group. And it's complicated, so I'm not going to get into it, but suffice it to say that ultimately what happened is many of us kind of disconnected. There. There's a lot of groups schism and I'm not even going to call it inviting because that just dismisses the true validity of some of the issues and problems and stroubles that we were all kind of encountering.
Friend groups. Let's talk a little bit about friend groups. Sometimes when we get into friend group situations, we may have trouble pulling out the independent or individual friendships within those groups. And I wonder, how can you leave the group without leaving a friendship. Who were your people even inside of those groups, because it's you know, chances are there are you know, if it's a friend group of six, maybe there are two that you're really close to and maybe you know the other four you just see them at these group events. So how do you start to pull away and individually select the people that you want in your life. It can be challenging when there's this expectation that it's all or nothing in a friend group, but it is quite possible to have individual relationships with people. Up until I moved to Charlotte, I was certainly the sort of person where none of my friends were connected. They would see each other at my stuff, but there was no friend group. When I moved to Charlotte, there was more of a friend group situation, and I noticed right away, gosh, you know, I have more of a connection with this person or that person. And it's not necessarily you know, it's personality, it's our life, circumstances, preferences, all of these sort of things that make us us is how we choose people. So it's not that the other people in the group are anything bad, it's just there is a sense of connection with maybe you know two or three people. So how do you maintain those relationships outside of that friend group. I think a lot of it is establishing those individual connection taking it to more of a one on one experience where you call this person directly, you text this person directly, and step outside of the group, text the social gathering and make it more one on one. That I think that makes the friendships much stronger than saying we have to be a group of individuals.
The result of that, of course, is that many of us became completely disconnected after a while. Some pockets were made in contact, but for the most part, a lot of us don't see each other at all, and many of us live in the same city, within a few blocks of one another. Some of the connections do remain, and I do have a few close friends who were involved initially in some of these movements and groups, some of whom I've worked with and lived with, and you know, we still say happy Birthday do each other. We still connect with each other. Some of us even get together and hang out from time to time. But ultimately a lot of members of that group aren't connected in the ways that they used to be. And I am certainly included amongst that.
Maybe the group has served its purpose. Sometimes we meet people based on where we are in life. You know, when you have kids, you meet all these new moms, and maybe you take your kid to this, you know whatever place and you meet all the moms there, and those things fizzle out. Or maybe you're in the season of being single and you meet all these single friends, and then once you're in a relationship, maybe some of those fizzle out. Are all of our relationships meant to last forever? Absolutely not. You know, I'm sure that we have lost many, many friendships over time. You know, I don't have a friendship from elementary school that's still as strong as it was, so over time. You know, some things do fizzle out, and it's a matter of us changing and shifting. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I think it's a very natural thing that happens in friendships, and it could be a huge disservice to us when we try to pull these situations or these friendships into a space that they don't need to be in. Maybe they don't need to be in this season of our life, and maybe we'll, you know, we'll go back to them at some point that does happen sometimes where we are a little bit different than we were, you know, maybe five years ago, and so those friendships have served their purpose, and maybe this is a season of acquiring new relationships or learning how to exist in different circles.
So I went off and decided to improve some of my education. I spent a year getting a business certificate, which was totally different from the social science work that I've been doing previously, and then after that I went and got myself a regular nine to five desk jockey job. For a few years. In between, it's been so difficult to iron out how to adequately meet the demands of adulthood. You know, time has passed so quickly, and it's been such a difficult experience to juggle home life, family life, work life, personal goals and responsibilities with building and maintaining, as I said earlier, a positive social life. And it just feels so hard at this stage to reignite that, to really put myself out there and try to make friends with the few people my age who are also in the same boat.
I hear you're wanting to make friends with people in your age group, and I wonder would it be possible to meet more people if you're open to cross generational friendships. There may be people in your workplace who are older than you. There may be people at the gym, There may be people who are your neighbors all around you. They may be older, they may be younger. Are you open to making friends of any age you know? That could open it up a bit to who you're able to capture. Also, don't be afraid to talk to the single person that you know, to talk to the person who maybe doesn't have kids. It's really wonderful for me as a mother to have some friends who don't have kids, to have some friends who are not married. Our lives are so different, and it just makes for really rich conversations when they're able to share a bit of their world with me, and I share my world with them. It makes me I think a bit more well rounded because without those conversations, I'm only speaking to people in my particular bubble. So stepping out side of your comfort zone or what you naturally do could open it up a bit too, new and different types of friends. Also, think about variety. You know, you go so many places. Maybe in the grocery store you could meet a friend, maybe you know, as you're out eating. I've heard of people meeting someone and saying, oh my gosh, you're such an interesting person. I would love to be your friend. Can we exchange information? I know for some of us that sounds really interesting. But if there's a vibe with someone, could that be our potential next friend? And we're letting it pass us by because we're concerned about what that might sound like or what the person might think. I think this what if they say, Okay, yes, I really liked our connection as well. And that can be anywhere. It could be talking to a stranger in the grocery line, it could be talking to a stranger as you're getting a pedicure. All sorts of places. There may be possibilities where you can form new connections. So being open minded is the best way to build new connections. Ah, I just thought of a new one online. Oh my gosh. I think online connections are so important. I have met a friend online and it just started with us liking each other's content, and then us sending each other messages, and then us you know, kind of scheduling of once in a while phone call. Then it was like more sporadic, like, well, let's just talk about anything.
Now.
We're like sending each other memes and you know, we visit each other and these sort of things, and so it's it's really important to not discount any sort of space. There are possibilities all around us. And I understand when you have more time to make these connections, that certainly makes it easier, but there are still connections to be made with a limited amount of time that you have. So be open to meeting people in any space and continuing those interactions by saying, hey, let's exchange numbers, what is your Instagram handle? Whatever those things are that make you feel like, oh this isn't you know, maybe weird. Whatever way you can connect with a person that makes you feel comfortable, maybe it is, you know, I think sometimes with Instagram handles, or you get a chance to see the person in their world and maybe determine like, oh my gosh, I met this person and they were really cool but maybe not so much anymore. Or you get to see like, oh my gosh, this is really like my sort of person. So even starting that way could be a wonderful way to build those connections. We'll come back to this after the break.
How do I break into a new social group. How do I start new bonds with people who are a lot younger than me and also starting their social groups. How do I divest from harmful family dynamics or harmful friendship relationship dynamics and try to build new, exciting, healthy ones. I look forward to your responses on these things. Thank you so much.
Okay, we have three very clear questions here. Question number one.
How do I break into a new social group?
Just be yourself and show up, and you will be drawn towards the people you're supposed to have those deeper connections with. It will be very clear over time if your people are in those social groups. Sometimes they're not. You know, we'll get into activities, whether it's taking a new dance class or learning to knit, and it's just like everyone here is cool and they need to stay here. These are not people I want to be involved with outside of this activity, and that's okay too. So the way that you break in is joining a conversation, really getting into the group, having this back and forth banter and letting the vibe determine if this is your person or if this is a group that you should even continue to be in question number two.
How do I start new bonds with people who are a lot younger than me and also starting their social groups.
I have always loved having friends who are a bit older than me because it's like having this level of wisdom that I am not yet able to tap into their experiences their live journeys is so hopeful for me. And it's not like I was like, oh my gosh, this is my friend who's much older. As much as it is you know, how can I be a part of your world. I didn't have an issue, you know, when I was twenty and I might have had a thirty year old friend who was married and you know, doing these different things. I'm like, oh, you want me to come to your kids? Thing Like, those younger people may want to be a part of your world as much as you want to be a part of their world. Now, there may be some things you don't want to do or they don't want to do, and that's okay. But age is not necessarily a barrier. You have the experience of being a younger person, so you know exactly what it's like. It's not that you're taking on this like mother or even big sister Row. There are people who are mature beyond their years, so it's very hard to say because of someone's age, I should expect this Again, this is an opportunity to be open and to really get in there, be yourself and find out who you're people might be in the social group. This is the last question.
How do I divest from harmful family dynamics or harmful friendship relationship dynamics and try to build new, exciting, healthy ones.
I'm hearing a lot of divesting in your old friendships, and it sounds like you're starting to be aware of the need to pull away from some of those family relationships. You can do multiple things at once. You can be a parent, you can be a partner, and you can be in these new relationships. I don't know if you need to completely leave anything to explore something new. I think it's this dance of making space for all of it. So if there are some relationships that are harmful or unhealthy, you can cut back and give more of that energy towards these health, your exciting relationships that you're started, or even the ones that you're bringing back to life. That's one of the things I haven't spoke about getting back in touch with people who used to be a part of your life on a more regular basis. I think it's really important not to just say, oh my gosh, I need to meet all these new people, But who do I have in my life that may have, you know, fallen off. It may be important to you to meet a bunch of new people, but sometimes we already have what we need. So think about the people who maybe you've lost contact with, the people who lived in a different area. You really like them, but for some reason or another things fizzled out. Those may be spaces that you can revisit. It may not be this idea of finding all these new friendships as much as there is a possibility of recapturing some of the things that were lost to do to time, location, or just whatever in life. So instead of thinking about how do I manage all of this, consider how you can cut back on some things and include others. You are the manager of your time, and you know where you feel for filled, happy, excited, move closer to those things you need to hear this maintaining friendships is as important as meeting friends. I hear a lot of conversation around meeting new people meeting new people, and I wonder what happened to the people we already have. Do we have the relationship skills to sustain our friendships? What are we learning about ourselves from the relationships that end? Are we doing anything differently as we move into these new friendships because we want to get to a point where we have friends now. That's not saying no new friends. We can always be open to meeting new friends. However, you may get to a place of feeling comfortable with the amount of friends you have. So as you're on this journey of meeting new people, please also be on the journey of maintaining your friendships, or you may find yourself in this same place again. You need to hear This is an iHeart production hosted by me Nedra Glover to wob Our executive producer is Joel Bondique. Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and relationships at you need to Hear This at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to rate our show wherever you listen to it and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this. Talk to you next time
