Woman Evolve with Sarah Jakes RobertsThis special Best Of edition episode of Woman Evolve features interviews with Dr. Anita Phillips, Matthew Hussey and Tamron Hall
Peace of the planet, Charlamagne to God here and as we come close to closing out this year, I just want to say thank you for tuning it into the Black Effect podcast Network. There have been so many great moments over the past year. Take a listen to some of those captivating moments in this special best of episodes.
So many of you know that doctor Anita Phillips and I are a bit of a power duo. I'm going to own it. We're a bit of a power duo. I have toured with her. We've gone from city to city, combining our gifts and our talents with the hopes that women will have encounters with God that allows them to confront their trauma, experience His grace, and be released into their destiny with courage and the fullness of their potential within reach. There was a moment in our conversation that I wanted to share with you. I asked her a question about what God is teaching her as it relates to power, and I want you to hear her answers. I believe it's really going to bless you. What area of your life right now is God teaching you the most about power? Woh, that is so good.
I think the area he's teaching me most about power and has to do with what I don't know about the future. What I don't know about the future, Like I felt like I made a bunch of power moves right. So, like when I got to the place where I accepted the reality my marriage is ending. You know, you stand in faith on a thing you're not sure which way God's doing. You want to be open to God and realizing it was ending, and it was very hard for me, and it was hard for it was hard for him. It was hard for both of us. Nobody wants that I started moving. I'm like, okay, God, I trust you, opening doors. I moved to a new state. I'm living dreams in so many ways. But there's a future that feels more unsure than it did before. And so I am learning to stand in power in ambiguity. I don't know if that's the right answer, if that's the good answer, if that's the answer to the question. But power in the face of ambiguity, you know, sometimes being okay with not knowing, Like and it's becoming a space where I'm learning to cultivate excitement instead of just saying like, okay, I'm looking in this area and I don't know how this is going to work out. I don't know what will be going on in this area a year from now, two years from now. Instead of being like, Okay, God, I'm gonna trust you until I know, I'm just like, I have the power to affect how I see this, and I am choosing to be excited instead of quietly waiting, quietly anticipating, which is right on the board order of anxiety. And so I'm depending on the day. And so I have the power to be excited about what I don't know is coming. And that has been Yeah, That's the area that I think I'm working in the most is recognizing that instead of enduring like that uncomfortable feeling of ambiguity, I can actually cultivate excitement in that space because God has his track record is impeccable. I mean, God has never dropped the ball. He has never failed at all. So if I'm really going to be this earthen vessel and the excellency of the power is him and not me, and I'm tapping into the power, He's been in the path. He has blown me away every single time, And so I'm leaning into that space, I have the power to transform anxiety into excitement.
That's Lord, I see what you're doing for others because at this point, but it's true.
I swear I'm not giving y'all like some Christian foolishness like that is where I'm at. When I feel that shaky thing inside my body, that anxiety thing, it's like I've been satisfied in the past with being like God, I'm trusting in this space. I'm trusting you in this space. Even though I feel like this, but I have enough experience with God. I have enough testimonies. Don't stop with the gratitude list just being a list, you know. We try to get to that things I'm grateful for, but things I'm grateful for, like when I look back, I'm sorry. When I look back, I think there's a song I did that. Yeah, that's it. He's an one time God. If I know he is always on time, I can cry, I can grieve, I can release those painful emotions. But then my very next move is I am cultivating excitement. He has never ever failed me, and this is my opportunity as a mature Christian. I'm not a baby in this thing. Yeah, to stand up and say I'm choosing excitement because God's idea is always better than mine, and that gives me power. I have the power to affect my perspective on the future that I don't know yet, and I choose to be excited.
I wasn't really sure what to expect when I had my conversation with Matthew. Matthew is a New York Times bestselling author, a speaker, and coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence. His YouTube channel is number one in the world for love life advice with over a half a billion views. He writes a weekly newsletter and it's the host of the podcast Love Life with Matthew Hussy. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect when we sat down to have this conversation, considering his book makes such a big promise, But I believe that he's got some incredible tools that are going to help shift our perspective on what it means to show up in life in a way that makes us feel powerful and capable of standing up to whatever comes our way. So I hope you enjoy it. Let's get into it, Matthew. I have to ask you, well, no, first of all, let me tell you, I know a lot of incredible, beautiful, educated single women and they are swimming in the dating pool. They have told me that there's a little bit of urine in the dating pool. They said, it's not safe out here in Matthew. Now I'm trying to figure out what am I to tell my girls who are out here struggling.
What are they struggling with.
They say that their selection is not great. That often five times they find men who say they want to be in relationships, but they also want to build their careers and they don't feel like they can do both at the same time, so they put them kind of on their back burner while they're building their careers in their lives. And they don't mind partnering to build a life together and to help them achieve their dreams, just like they don't mind having supporting their dreams as well. But it just seems like there's a disconnect and desire.
Yeah, well, I think firstly, I want to acknowledge everyone who's feeling that because it is hard out there, like it's finding love is not easy. It is for you know, you're going out there and you're experiencing people who have misaligned intentions, they don't want what you want. So much of the time, it's hard to feel our friends are pairing off and we're the one being left behind. It's hard to feel like there's this thing that we want more than anything else in the world, that we want love, and that we somehow have to hide how badly we want it because it feels shameful to want it that badly, or it feels like we're desperate, or it's embarrassing. It is hard out there, and unlike other areas of our life where we can control a lot, you know, if we want to if we want to get in better shape, we can change our diet and we can work out every day and our shape will change. We may not get the ideal shape we've always wanted, but for sure our body will change. In our love life, we can go on a date every day for the next six months and still not find love at the end of it. That is a really difficult thing for us to feel that out of control over something that we feel is so fundamental to our happiness. So I want to acknowledge how hard it is out there for people, and that you're not alone. If you're feeling that you're in really, really great company. So if we start from a basis of going, yeah, finding love is very often hard, that there's nothing wrong with us. If we're finding it hard, it just is hard. Then we can start to say, well, okay, how might we do love better if we were being really smart about it? And I think to your point that you made the kinds of guys that are not prioritizing you. They're putting their career first. They're saying they're not ready for a commitment. What we have to start getting really good at is deciding what is important to us. Because if we say what's important to me is someone who's super attractive and charismatic and has a great job and is tall and like whatever it may be, when we start listing these things, if someone comes along who doesn't value us, but they tick all of those boxes, we'll keep going because we've told ourselves that they're what we're looking for.
Wow.
If instead we say, what I really want is someone who sees me as their equal, someone who is kind, someone who is loyal, and someone who is ready for the same things that I am ready for, then it doesn't matter how hot, sexy, charismatic, or accomplished anyone is. If they don't pass that test of being those fundamental things, we're not interested in giving them another day of our life. And what I see consistently is people giving too much of their time and energy to people who have already proven themselves to be bad best. That's the part that has to stop, because if we stop doing that, it's astonishing, Sarah, how much time we will get back. All of a sudden, we'll find ourselves with an abundance of time to go out there and meet people. And I want to tell people, this is your life. Love life is an area where you go slow to go fast. If you go fast and you're like, oh, but this person that is super eligible that you know, they have all these characteristics that I really like. If that makes you go fast and try and get that person and invest time and energy, you're liable to waste two years of your life in an unhappy situationship where eventually you go to someone saying, how do I get this person to commit? They still won't commit. They still Meanwhile, two years of your life has gone by, and I'm not someone who says the right person is around every corner.
They're not.
But Let's say someone who could be right for you only comes along once a year. Well, in that moment when that person passes you by, you need space for that person. Love needs space wow when they show up, even if it comes along once a year. When they show up up, if your head is in your phone looking for a text from someone who won't text you back, or if you're instead in converse, if they're in the coffee shop sitting next to you and you're in conversation with your friends about trying to get some guy to commit who won't commit. Ever, you're missing that moment. Love needs space and you'll find the right person faster if you learn to say no to the wrong person.
Quicker, I was in conversation with tamer and Hall and she is one of those women who I believe make power look easy. You may know her from her amazing syndicated daytime talk show, which has earned her two Daytime Emmy Awards. She was formerly a national news correspondent for NBC News at Daytime, anchor for her MSNBC, host of the MSNBC Live with Tammeron Hall, and a co host of Today's Take the third Hour of Today. She hosts Deadline Crime on Investigation Discovery Channel, but she has recently taken daytime television by storm. In September of twenty and nineteen her daytime talk show debut. She is a Texas girl. She's from I want to say she I think she said Luling, Lulling, Texas. Luling Texas girls helped me out, But then she moved to the DFW area and she's got a lot of the same stomping grounds that I am very well familiar with. In this conversation, though, I was just I was struck by her confidence, by her poise, by her humility, And we talk about finding love even though you're a powerful woman, owning your voice when it comes to advocating for your gifts, your talents, your ideas, and environments and settings where that may not always be easy. And I think you're going to be completely and utterly blown away by this conversation. Check it out. Was it hard for you as someone who was driven, someone who's always worked too? I don't even like because I was a single mother when I met my husband, I bought my own home, Like I was very established, and I wasn't like I don't need a man, but like I didn't need one, like I had the option of wanting one, you know, and then when it was time for when you get mad, I realized, in order for this marriage to where you're going to have to feel like you need, like this is something you really want.
I love that question, Sarian, because here's why I wasn't. I'm like you, I'm like, I don't need but true story. I was on the fence about this situation. I'm like, you know, we kind of moved in. Well, we moved in together three weeks almost four weeks after our first day. I don't written, here's oh wait, what you know, here's why, here's why, here's why. So we went out on a date. He said pizza. I was like, great, and I've never told anybody this is truth. I was. I had cramps, really back cramps, and I was like, I'm canceling this date. I am done giving my all go away right. He was like, no, well, let's walk, you know, you got to get up and go. And I'm like, ah, so I have like, no in other relationships, maybe I have more pretense. And I was thinking, I don't even know this dude, and he doesn't really well, you know whatever, And so we went, We walked and it was just a beautiful walk to this Italian restaurant in my neighborhood in Tribeca and walked back. It was just very comfortable, and I was like, this could be something. But then the greatest story effort I had a My home had an elevator that opened up into the apartment. Right. It's one of those like New York style pharmasy. I go on the elevator to get ready to go to my dermatologists, and the elevator stops. It has never stopped. I'm by myself because there were only eight units in my building and the elevator won't open, and I'm pushing the like help me button. We don't have a doorman. I mean if she want us to try back to lofty things. And I call him and I was like, I am trapped in this elevator and he was at his office and he was like I'm on my way and I was like, I just can't call nine one one and let somebody know. And the reception was terrible, and all of a sudden, in a record lightning period of time, the elevator door starts being pulled open, and I'm like, stop I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.
And he goes give me.
Your hand, and I had, wait for it, a sax bag with me. I'm like, wait a minute, hey, you pulls me out of this elevator true story and he will tell you that. I was like, wait, my bag, my bag, And I was like, maybe I do need this, you know what I mean, Maybe I do need this. And that's why, you know, with this character Jordan and Manning and in my crime novel, it was important that I put in that love. I didn't want it just to be a you know, a thriller or a mystery. I wanted that romantic side or that desire. You know. The character, Jordan Manning is in her thirties right, her career is going well, and she's climbing the ladder and she has her passion and she's driven to solve this mystery of this woman who's missing. But she wants that consistency. She wants that person who can pull that elevator open and reach in, because I think we all do. I see all my show all the time. I tell people, you know, I grew up you know, around very strong women who often would say, well I can do bad by myself, or you can do bad by yourself and you don't. And I understand that that toughening that you need. I do get in. I know where it comes from, and I'm happy my mom was that way as an independent single mom and having to bet on herself in this way and not wanting me to fall into some of the traps of financial dependency and things that can happen when you're riding so hard that that they're your train, there your car, they're your.
Communion, right right.
But I tell my friends all the time, I'm like, you know what, if you want to be in a relationship, it's okay to say that. I told my cousin kill me. I was like, you better get one of these dating sites. What are the refugeles? Yeah, get out there. Tell anybody you know, Hey, I am I am interesting, I am looking. And I encourage that, not because I'm married now. I wish somebody had told me that before, Like, don't just be open to it. Say that's what you want, and that's powerful.
It is because it's owning what you want. And I think in a world where women are often told what they want or told what they should be happy to get to be in a space where you can own what you want and you can put it out into the world and not trying to separate yourself from and so you aren't disappointed. I think that's an incredible gift. And I was actually saying, even outside of maybe relationship, like to own the fact that you want to rest, to own that that you want to go out and get something to eat, like we're always shrinking and diminishing our hands and pretending my own. I'm very easy to work with. I go with the flow. Sometimes I am the flow and the different today.
Listen, I'll tell you I I love that you said that, because you know, when I first started this show, I had to make some big changes editorially. I needed to make some big changes with staffing that I knew were necessary to make the show better. And we didn't get to five seasons by chance. Right when I launched this show, people told me every single show that was canceled that was hosted by people way more famous. So basically, you know, remind me that we didn't have a chance, and so I had to make very bold, decisive moves. And I remember my mother calling me after reading some article one day that there just was a horrible person. It was a blood bats used fight everybody, which was true. But my mother called me and she was crying and she said, this is not who you are and it's making me so mad. Why is it as a black woman? You know, you are making these decisions as a woman. And when me changed, you know, producers and change people all the time, no one says anything. And I said, you're right, but you know what, I can take it because I had gone through enough that I was prepared for that, and that's why I went on my social media. I was like, hey, dam fam, let me tell you what's here. Let me tell you because we would not be here had I not said, let me continue to pursue a better version of the show. You know, I had one mission in mind to make the audience proud, to make everyone feel welcome, to have real conversations, and to make you feel like, this is where I want to watch the Tammer Hall Show.
I didn't like, oh is that all?
Let me just leave it on. No, I want Tammer and Hall show to be on. And that took some decisive things. So to your point, I like, by the sixth second, you know, first half we were in a global pandemic. I am in my home. Two hundred and fifty employees are depending on me to figure out how to get this show going. So I will the flow.
Yeah right right, you know.
And I said to myself, people tell you to be proud of yourself, and then you're proud of yourself, and then it's like, oh, she's arrogant, or she's this, or she's that, or he's this or he's that. They assign these things while at the same time literally reading books on how to build confidence. Yeah right, It's like, wait, what, so you know, I I have embraced the fact that being the boss doesn't mean cruelty, it doesn't mean, you know, I have all the answers, but I have to have some confidence in the direction.
Once again, thank you for tuning into the Black BEG Podcast Network. See you Are twenty twenty five for more great moments from your favorite podcast.
