This week Mandii & Eddin get into a 23 YO's return to the dating scene & the complications of dating an older man who wants to practice non-monogamy. This being her first experience in a non-monogamous relationship, Mandii & Eddin breakdown her potential jealousy, having control in the relationship, and common red flags when dealing with a situation like this.
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If you would like to have us answer your questions. If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, friend, or a terrible throatfle guess what you've got? Decisions doudah hump see hump a douda hanp siehmp. It's another hunt day of home mail and I am here sitting with Eden in play the Wheezy to give our advice. And this week again, if you look at the title, we are talking ethical non monogamy. Now before we get started, please please please send your questions in to Decisions Decisions at gmail dot com. You can find that email in the description of this episode. And if you don't really like listening, but you like watching and listening, you can catch this full video over on our patreon Patreon dot com backslash Horrible Decisions.
Now, let's get into.
The ethical non monogamy of it all, because that's kind of where we're leaning a bit more too. With decisions. Decisions are the decisions around what styles of relationships work for you what doesn't, leaning into things that may be non traditional or customizable. Y'all know my favorite words customizable. Okay, so this one is a brief question, like a brief email that we got, but there's a lot to dig into. Okay, So here we go, Hey, Mandy and Weezy. I'm a new listener to the podcast and loving it. By the way, a little background on me. I am a twenty three year old female and have been single for two and a half months. I decided to start back dating and just want to explore the dating scene. I'm currently dating someone who is thirty one years old. He's a man who's ethically non monogamous. I tell myself I am okay with that, due to the fact we both agree that we were exploring the dating scene and we're not ready for a relationship. However, this is my first experience in a non monogamous relationship, and although I say I am okay with it, I tend to feel jealousy and feel the need to control. Question, what advice do you guys have to give? I am open to receiving. So let's first break this down just a little bit. She's twenty three years old. She is dating someone about eight years her scene grides's like my age gap that I like right now. I love that age gap. Even give me a twenty six year old yes, oh oh you well you would I were younger. Now, you wouldn't got older eight years older. I would go eight years older. What is that forty two or so?
I don't think I would date a twenty two year old.
I'm not gonna lie I would. I would date forty two. I like eight years difference right now. But I prefer younger, honestly, because they're more open to this non monogamous idea. They're a different generation and they're just a little bit more open. I think the thirty one year olds my age demo not even strict into it. They just throwing the word out without really knowing what the fucking means, and they don't have the accountability of how to fully navigate it yet. But also, I feel like my generation is full of a whole bunch of undiagnosed niggas.
Damn.
They don't want to go to town and actually might be autistic.
Damn. Damn.
Well, oh my god, this is why it ain't nobody my hate put your headphones on, sorry, shots fire, pew all. The men my age are just like, what is wrong with you?
That's what I'm thinking.
You're in the mix of dealing with the patriarchy of still needing to be leaders while not knowing how to be leaders, while bringing their trauma, while also still being a bit homophobic, but leaning into not knowing what they want sexually, and then also still want to be the man of the house without knowing how to lead. It's just a whole bunch of men that raised unfortunately in singing a single pair of households. They don't know what the fuck they're God, I am sorry raise the question.
Sorry, Oh my god.
I want no age. I mean like you're a millennial. Oh sorry, sorry, this is me projecting. Sorry for all of the millennial medal listeners. Boyfriend, I go jes z or gin y you want to so bad?
Don't do that? Any who? AnyWho.
So she's twenty three with thirty one. Let's let's first tap into the fact that one she has never dated anyone who is non monogamous, and she's only agreeing to it currently because they're both exploring the dating scenes. So I want to lean into if you there's two things. Are you exploring the dating scenes to find a partner or are you exploring the dating scenes to fuck? To me, if you're exploring the dating scene to fuck, this cool makes sense. Because you both have agreed to non monogamy and maybe sharing with each other.
That's the thing.
Ethical non monogamy has all these different umbrellas, Right, Maybe you share with the person what you're doing. Maybe you don't, but you're just aware. Right if you're exploring the dating scene to find a partner and you're questioning if that's even the type of relationship you want to get in. I do feel like you need to dig into more of what boundaries and what the dynamics of this ethical non monogamous guy looks like. Because if you're already leaning into the fact that you're jealous or you might want to just be a bit more controlling, I actually would lean into what is your relationship style, because jealousy is a normal filing. Whether you're monogamous or non monogamous, you are going to feel jealous in some instances.
It is going to happen. How you manage it.
How you manage your jealousy is before in here. That's a different conversation, right. The second one. I don't think it is healthy, whether you acknowledge or not, to say that you want to be a bit controlling within a romantic partnership.
Controlling is controlling? Is is a strong word?
Is a strong word, as well as is this person now your property? Does this person now have to listen to you?
You could be stern.
You can also set boundaries exactly and you believe if, but controlling is a bit worrisome. So I think that at twenty three years old, this is honestly my advice. Who are you? And I know you're not going to know that at twenty three, right, bitch, I didn't, don't. I just kind of got some point where I'm like, I'm still figuring it out, bitch, and I'm a decade above you, right, So don't do that?
No, you know what it was.
Here's a conversation we had with Alex before, and it's like ten years is one thing. But you just said, I know the decade is so all right, I'm sorry, I.
Got you about ten years. Sis said, Okay, I think that, and I think that I wish more people would do this. Those words are negative how you will show up in a relationship, Those things will bring toxicity. Yeah, I think it's a very mature response, but I do think it's real that you do have to sit with how you manage those two things. How do you manage jealousy and how do you bring it to your partner when something they do brings about that emotion? And this could be for anyone, not even if you're twenty three, but thirty, forty fifty. And then the other part is why do you feel like you need to control a relationship? Why is the idea not a partnership or working through or why are you not looking for someone that can be someone that you don't need to control.
I mean, Surety's still young as hell. I do think she's youngest like I. So okay, So.
That's funny because right before we recorded this, I did to Mandy that I've never been in a scenario where there was like where it was kind of open like that I actually have. It was a situationship. And I say situationship because like, yes, we were fucking whatever and we would go on oc casual dates, but we both also knew we had the ability to see other people, right, And I was fine with it. I was like, Okay, I understand that.
Y'all weren't official, right, No, okay, no.
But I knew that there's a possibility. I knew there was a possibility that she might fuck somebody if something were to happen, right, and me and her had the same thing, which was, if such and such did happen, it's either we get tested or both. It's we'd be safe and we get tested.
Okay. That was the open boundary that we had that we knew, like, hey, keep that respect for each other. That on top of let's say I'm judging y'all if y'all date it, because when you date and.
Y'all know, I'm the condom police. Yeah, if you're dating multiple people, I don't think you should be out here fucking multiple motherfuckers unprotected.
No, you shouldn't.
Yeah, but I do agree you should still get tested. Yeah, get tested, but also be safe. That's also I use a condom. Like, that's why I use a condom, right, I think.
We're gonna agree to seeing other people while we're dating. Yeah, bruh condoms.
Yeah.
Also, like I guess another boundary that was I don't think we really spoke about it that much, but we were in like similar mutual circles, right, so then like, you know, don't be raggedy, like, don't be with me and then be with like one of my close friends or something like that.
That was another boundary that.
Okay, I'm not mad at that.
So getting in to the whole jealousy thing, right, there were times I'm not gonna lie. I think like, dang, what if she's with another guy right now? I kind of felt a little type of way, even though there was no that's my girl or I don't have I don't want to say ownership.
I think ownership is great and I hate that. Damn what's the proper word?
Yeap?
I didn't even hate.
That, would would be less.
I felt nesive. Sure, let's just say that I thought I was. I was feel pud. I never exhibited those feelings into trying to be negative, No throw stuff in her or her face orthing like that, because I was like, yo, you do you as I do me. We just kind of respect each other. That's I think that's a hard thing to do though. That's really hard thing to do, especially at that age.
Yeah, I agree, and especially he's again that's what he's but he's older. And so that was my question too, and I kind of wanted to lean into that. Can age difference be a negative thing in non traditional dating?
Yeah, you're in two different positions.
I do it could be for better or worse, doesn't it right, someone's better off than the other. It's likely that they might agree, But yeah, it's such a contrast. A twenty three year old is not going to understand the mentality and lifestyle of a thirty one year.
I'm not gonna lie when you. When you asked me if I would date someone eight years older, right, so eight years younger, I immediately said yes, especially in a non non monogamous dynamic. Yes, because it's for fun. Well not only no, it's not even for fun. I would do a real relationship that way. But with a twenty six year old yes, you know why, because I feel like they've been open to the pronouns, the open the different sexualities. They've seen more of those dynas growing up on television, And it's the conversations they're having at a younger age.
The two girlfriends, we've seen it publicly, they've grown.
Up with it publicly. So for me, a forty one year old or forty two year old, and I wait, with all respects, it's kind of more difficult to teach an old dog new trouthe and so I know, and so trying to convince someone who's lived a longer life where monogamy, whether they were really monogamous or not, maybe they were cheaters. If it worked for them, it would be harder to convince them to try this new style of dating. Right, So that's the other thing. So storytime for me, well not really storytime, but I got into a really good conversation last night with my friend Troy. So we went out to dinner. And she's a bit older than me. She probably has me by I would say maybe ten fifteen years, so she's a bit older than me. And it's so crazy how much we are so much alike because we are both looking for primary a relationship, primary partners, whatever you want to call them. But we both know we want an ethically non monogamous set up in our relationship. So we want a non traditional, ethical, non monogamous relationship, yes, and in what we want. What we're realizing is we went through realizing that we are currently in a revolution. Right hear me out as women specifically, if we go back to the early sixties up through the seventies, there was that American dream family dynamic. A husband or wife, the kids, the dog, the white picket fence, the American dream right. However, at that time, and you guys can look it up from the sixties, a woman could not get a bike account without being married, she could not own a home. There were a lot of jobs that were not open for her. So being a wife and a mom was the role of a woman.
Then you go through the seventies where shit starts to change.
Women get the right to vote, women are able to get bank accounts, women are able to hold different positions within you know, society. Right.
What was the birth control at that point too?
Ooh, I'm not sure, but that's where like the flower power, like where sexual liberation and even planned parenthood and all those things started becoming where a woman could make those choices they leaned into no longer like graphic. But you're not going down the stairs, You're not going to the person in the back alley. There's now options for family planning. Yes, so that takes place, right, So now you have women, okay, being able to have a little bit more rights. Then we get, unfortunately, to the role of I would say the eighties early nineties. I like to refer to this as the dismantling of the black family by the crack epide as well as government assistance. So during this era, a woman actually was pushing a man out of the house so that they could get helped by the government, food stamps, section eight, all the things, and a man could not be present in the home. Fast forward more so, I would say early two thousands till now women are CEOs my era millennials. We were pushed into independence. We were pushed to go get a degree, we were pushed to school, we were pushed to worry about marriage and children later. That can all come later, but focus on you first. And so where we're at now is the quote unquote modern woman, where Okay, I could be the head of household. I don't need kids. I don't want kids, or y'all have been hearing what I've been going through with all of my friends. I waited so long, I'm dealing with infertility.
Shit. I want a successful man.
He don't cheat. I don't stay with cheaters before. That's not a deal breaker for me.
So what does that look like? I'm only smiling because I'm just like it makes it, And so now I just wish.
Me neither. But now I could be the head of household. So nigga, I don't need you to pay it. I get paid from anything. And you know, we're in this era where, Wow, the idea of polyamory is introduced to me, the idea of swinging is introduced. Whoa black people go to sex clubs?
Wait?
I can share my kinks and not be judged, you know what I mean? And so we're in this revolution currently as women, we're damn the traditional setup of a traditional family, the patriarchal realm, and tradition of a standard heterosexual. It's also we're talking about heterosexual relationships because also, lets me very clear, the gays just got the right to be married, and now the ship may be taken away. We don't know what the fuck is happening, but he let's be clear. The rights of women to choose what happens with their body, it could be taken away. So we're dealing with all of these things right, and we're like, damn, what do we want? Because the truth of the matter is my worth and my value is not depending on me being a mom or a wife. Yeah, I now have the wherewithal to actually live the life that I want, my own hobbies. I can live for myself and not live for my kids. Legacy could not look like my kids. It can look like what I do with my nonprofit. It can look like what I do for my community. It doesn't have to just be what I leave through children. It can be what I leave through entrepreneurship or my art or all of these other options. Which is, you know where I stand and so, but romantically, I would love a partner to share this with. Romantically, my trajectory of a relationship might not be kids or marriage at all. So how do I communicate that with a man that I want you, I don't need you, but also I want to share my life with you because that's what I want and I want you to know that our trajectory could look like every which way and it doesn't have to look like move in, have get married, have kids, combine families like it doesn't have to look like that. And unfortunately, as women trying to dismantle the word whorror through all of the things, because now we can be sexually we can tell you what we want and sexually we can live through these things. How do we keep our dignity, keep our jobs, be proud without literally affecting the goddamn ego of a man? Because now we don't need you to protect and provide. We need you to show up emotionally. We need you to have the emotional intelligence to help.
To talk to me. We want to hold you accountable. We should be allowed to do that. Now, you know.
It's funny because then going back to the scenario of the home mail, just like you mentioned, you feel like a lot of people from gen Z and stuff are a lot more exposed through the polyamorous side of things.
She's not, though she's aware of it. Wait, but she's also so open to it that she's willing to try it because and I think that's so to me even and she may but she may also be open to it. Weasy shares how she gets jealous and feels sometimes she struggles with it. She listens to this pod. There's times where I don't think I really felt I was mad as fuck that this nigga cheated, but I didn't really experience jealousy like that. Would you tell her to try it then, regardless of the age difference.
I would.
So I'm fine with you trying ethical non monogamy, yes, but I want everyone considering getting into any sort of relationship, especially to try ethical nominogamy. Because you want to, not because you found a guy you like that's happened to be ethical nomenogamists and now you're agreeing to it because you like it. That's the other problem. A lot of times we go into continue to date guys that really don't align with us, or like, we'll give it a try, and then we'd be mad when it don't work.
Well, if you were really down with the the.
You know what I mean.
But that's what I'm saying. Okay, you're jealous and you're controlling. Are y'all dating outside of each other? Do you want thre do you want to go to sex clubs? What does ethical, non monogamous and the boundaries look like with this partner? Because bitch, if you don't want three sims because you don't want to taste a little kucci, this nigga not gonna work for you. Because maybe he wants a partner to bring into threesomes? Are you fine with going to watch sex and be watched because ethnically not not ethically non monogamously he wants to go and venture into the sex club route, or he wants to emotionally be invested in you and have another girlfriend are you fine with that? Because for me, who's someone who is ethically nominogamous, I don't know how much I want that with a new partner. I'll be honest, all date a guy who has a girlfriend and I'm a second girlfriend. Oh a bitch, I'm asking you for everything public both I don't know it like both like I don't mind dating. I mean the only nig I would allow that for has a lot of coinst have a lot of a lot of co.
Huh.
Otherwise no, but yeah, again, let's just go with she should or she shouldn't.
I think she should if she's curious about that lifestyle. That lifestyle, I don't think she should. If she doesn't really think it's actually I think that makes sense. Let me see if I have because I do feel like, try todjus for just our partner. And then next thing, you know, we realize we really don't like you don't even want it. You don't even have to be about polyamorous. It could be anything anything. Well, I wanted to leave off with this and for you, someone who is not really interested in it.
But when it comes to relationships super monogamous.
What are three things that should what are three things someone should consider before getting into an E and M relationship? Three things? What would be your three things?
Ooh?
Like for me, the first one is what under the umbrella of ethical non monogamy is allowed and not allowed? And when I say that is what I just said it would be Are you down for threesomes? Are you down for sex clubs? Are you down for swinging and wife and boyfriends swapping? Are you down for like what what we're under the umbrella of ethical non monogamy? Are you willing to try? And what are you not?
I feel like that almost covers my all three yeah, because it's just a boundary. Are we both going to be dating this person is another thing too, right, because it's like a scenario of like I'm just dating them or we both did Yeah, those are.
The but that's the umbrella of polyamory, Like, so are you going to be are you going to be polyamorous? Are you going to be a swinger? Are you going to be what else is there? And are you going to be open? Are you looking to be a triad? Are you looking to be a unicorn? Triad? Is like you're all dating each other?
Yeah?
Yeah, I honestly the idea of two girlfriends sounds crazy to.
Me, miserable. I'm sure y'all already know this one. I ain't really really gay, Like I'm a little gay because I eat koochie, but dealing with a woman fellas, I don't know.
But also, on the other hand, I don't know how to fuck.
I like men because I don't like your nig.
I was gonna say, you, would you ever try dating two men at the same time?
I would love that?
And you've never done that? No, that's so interesting.
Actually, I mean, have you gott Have I been talking to two niggas at the same I'm.
Talking about They both know that they your boyfriends?
No, except okay, kind of closed.
But not really okay.
So that dream so one of the one of the main guys that's still in my in the picture now that I've talked about on the pod briefly, I don't really I don't. I don't really share about it. I found out my clips be coming across his algorithm. I said, oh, no, that came across the algorithm.
Yo, I'm new.
So in my past relationship, y'all know, I broke up with that nigga thirteen times. Every time he chose to broke up with me cause Nigga, I didn't want to break up. You just was manipulating me because you were fucking nurcisses and you were putting me on ice. Every time we broke up. I went right back to this guy, damn. And I shared that.
Damn.
So when towards the latter end of the relationship he knew who it was, okay and would ask me, so, did you go see such and such? Indeed, oh gosh, don't ask a question you don't want to know the answer to. And so that got thrown into my face quite a lot. Like hell, that team was not allowed on our television screen.
Oh my god, even what if I'm watching the highlights and such and such?
Bulls up, I'll be tight.
And haven't forbidden them, haven't forbidd them? Niggas made the playoffs or finals or they the ship kept going through the season.
Oh yeah, I was trusting.
It got awkward.
Oh no, I'm not gonna hold you.
We'd be at a bar in the West Village. Now now we got to leave the bar. Really, it's like it was like that, No, no, you know what, I get it. I get it, though, damn, because then it would ruin the mood. Now that nigga on the TV ain't just.
Scored, I'll be tight. I'd like get me.
So even And it probably doesn't help that he's clearly followed the pod and has seen you know, me talking, knows I'm talking about. So that nigga still in the picture after me and is goddamn still he sh and still in the picture and is So let me ask you a question.
So what does two boyfriends look like for Mandy Bee in a perfect world?
In a perfect world, both tall ship, both riches both Yes, No, I can't be.
Only one.
Give me a nigga with dress or Jason Mamo wall got long curl d Yeah, I like me a little body outside of aesthetic. I'm fine with one having more money than the other in a perfect but that's what you're thinking about. Yeah, just money matters. Okay, wait outside of that. Though, outside of that I need because here's the thing, I really think it's unrealistic of me to want a rich, powerful man who is emotionally intelligent and can be there for me within my within my busy schedule. So ideally I would like someone who can make their own schedule and join me on trips and be with me emotionally. And then I want another one who when we go out, money ain't a thing. We have fun, we rock stars, and he gets my wild side and we can do whatever we want because money doesn't matter.
If he gets your wild shie with the other one gets the other.
One gets to cuddle with me and be emotional and the walls don't get to know. But no, because the wild one is able to be wild because he works so hard. He has a lot of money, but he doesn't have the time.
To give me.
I need someone to be able to give me the time.
If you're asking me for my part, Oh no, no, I love it.
I love it, and I want to hear what y'all tell me downblow in the comments of what you what your two boyfriends and girlfriends are them like?
If you like if I can have two people, I was just I want one to be really powerful and rich and huh yes, But I also know what.
Does he give you?
But that means they don't have time?
What does he give you? He gives me the nigga were going out to enjoy caviat together. He just gives you luxuries.
He no, he gives me the lifestyle that he I can afford myself hold on and now we have this. We just enjoyed the same ship for someone and I dealt with this with my ex. I felt like I wasn't able to do everything I wanted to do with my partner without me having to take the burden on financially because because I he didn't have it. And if I still was fun, he was great. He was so fun.
He was fun.
But but also as he was also retired, so he was able to be on my on my I would love that. I would love a retired nigga and then a rich, lick, current, fancy nigga.
I don't think two straight men are going to do that.
First off, don't ship on my fucking fantasy.
I'm not, I'm not. I'm just saying, first of all, first of all, are they straight in this scenario too? Y'all know I like my man? Yeah, And that's all I was gonna say. That's exactly what I'm based it off to straight dud.
Y'all know that they just maybe they maybe they depeat me from time to time and they don't mind that they dick, so at that point they have to be. Maybe maybe one, maybe one really enjoys me watching it go. One of those in your perfect world, one of those by perfect world. Okay, will this ever happen?
Maybe not? Which one you think is gonna be the vo Probably the fun one.
He gotta be because the other one got the money. You better just just be our sub Oh yeah, okay, enough you'll be fantasizing. Good Luck to all of you and your ethically non monogamous journeys, and hopefully you enjoy more of these style of conversations here on Decisions Decisions. Thank you guys for tuning into another hump Day home mail session. Weezy will be back next week because uh we ain't gonna keep her away for too long. It again. You want to watch this full episode, you can go on over to Patreon. That's patreon dot com backslash Global Decisions where all of our wholemail Wednesday recordings the video will be placed. And then if you want to send in your own question, make sure you email us Decisions Decisions at gmail dot com and have some humping on Humpday. All right, we are out and we'll see you Monday