Decisions, DecisionsEP 417: Putting A Limit On ‘Quality Time’ & Insecurities Vs. Boundaries
This week Mandii & Weezy are SOLO! First the ladies deep dive into the limits of quality time with their own partner with Mandii limiting a vacation to only 4 days with a significant other or friend. After that Wolf joins the conversation by giving an insight of how a man feels when their girlfriend has a male “best friend” ,why another woman shouldn’t be cooking for a man who is in a relationship, and why the male/female dynamic in a friendship could be finicky. Then Mandii & Weezy give the breakdown on how to tell your significant other if you were in the same room with a past fling. Last but not least, the ladies go over the true difference of boundaries vs insecurities.
Help us become a New York Time's Best Seller & make sure you pre-order your copy of Mandii & Weezy’s upcoming debut book:
“No Holes Barred: A Dual Manifesto Of Sexual Exploration And Power” w/ Tempest X!
Link
Follow the hosts on social media Weezy @Weezywtf & Mandii B @Fullcourtpumps and follow the Decisions Decisions pages
Instagram @_decisionsdecisions
Don't forget to tag #decisionsdecisions or @ us to let us know what you think of this week's episode!
Want more? Bonus episodes, merch and more Whoreible Decisions!! Become a Patron at Patreon.com/whoreibledecisions
Welcome to Decisions Decisions. I don't think you should say Decision Decisions. It sounded like you was talking to Kirsty.
You definitely say to welcome, Welcome to the new podcast. Oh wait, you want to say together Decisions Decisions.
Hey guys, No Holds Bart is going live and tickets are available now.
We are so excited to be back on the road. We've added so many new cities and don't worry, this is not your average book tour.
That's right, No Holds Bart ad a manifesto of sexual exploration and power, is hitting the stage. And for everyone that's coming general admission and VIP, you do have the opportunity to add a signed copy of the book to your ticket.
Make sure you hurry up click the link in this bio. We're going to see you soon.
Welcome everybody to another episode of Decisions Decisions.
I'm your girl, men, dy b I am WEEZYWTF. We are back for another episode and we haven't really caught.
Up about much, but we know Mandy got a boyfriend.
I mean we've been saying that now for a while. You know things are good.
So how do you guys schedule? So you guys, last time I know you saw him. We were in Denver for work.
Yeah, I'm going literally after this trip to La to be with him for one of his work things. And then he's already looking up flights to come to Atlanta to spend another week with me. It's so strange because I enjoy my space. Even in my last relationship, I would see my partner three to four days a week. There's not a trip I go on where I want to be there more than four days. It doesn't matter if it's international or not. Like I literally go to Abu Dhabi for my birthday for four days, and so I could tell he's having a thing about that because he's like, I guess I only get to see you for three to four days.
Oh love you, Madia. I was about to be like, can you stay one more day so we could record I get to Las. Yeah, no, I'm leaving. I got to go back for work in Atlanta.
But I literally am like, I know my capacity as a person to be around somebody. Like it's to the point where even when people started staying with me when I still lived here in New York, by after the third day, I would get them a hotel like I cannot be confined in a space with someone very long, and I'm very aware of that, and so because we're now staying at each other's place, I'm like, O, babe, this is the capacity I have, Like vacation with your friends, for lord, No, not for more than four days. Literally with Crystal, we went to South Africa for four days.
I lived in Asia.
I was living in Singapore, and we did each stop at a different time. But also like in one we'd have a villa multiple rooms, and one we'd have multiple rooms if there was more than like we wouldn't stay in the same room.
Okay, well two bedroom keeps me happy. Yeah, Like, well, I don't have another bed.
My second bedroom is a content space and luckily I have an upstairs and down there now. But no, I realize like how much I need my space. And I'm trying to talk to him because he's lived with his last two exes and so he's used to that confinement and being on someone experience for being not young, but I haven't. So I am just like trying to tell him it's not about you, but to me in order to I hate that he takes it as like I'm dealing with him or putting up with him. But I'm just fully aware that I need space from people. Like even Rosie just came and spent a couple of days in my house, and before she came, she went and stayed with a friend before she even came to my house, because I knew how long she was going to be in Atlanta. And luckily I have my little discount, but I will literally buy somebody a hotel room so that they're not in my space. So right now, with being that we're commuting to see each other, and again, luckily it's been every two to three weeks, so I feel lucky. It's like baby four days.
So when he comes to Atlanta, so much more, I don't know. I don't know.
I don't care, Like he literally just booked a flight to where he's like, technically it's five but it's not. So he's coming in Monday night at like two am, so technically that's Tuesday and leaving Friday. To him, that's a Monday through Friday. So he's sneaking in a fifth day. But I'm like, babe, I don't want you to take it like thing. But there's literally nobody in the world like that. I want to spend that much time with like even my family. I'll go to Orlando and spend one day like I I really like my alone time. I really like the ability to recharge my social battery. And I'm fully self aware that I like my space. I like my time. I like that and I almost need it. It's not even that I like it, I need it. And so that's what we're talking about now because he's like, babe, we live like on two different coasts, Like damn, can I see?
Like he literally wants me to go see his family.
In Italy this summer, and I was like, okay, well I'll go there for about four days and you can stay longer.
Stop swear to god.
I kind of get that, you.
Know what I mean? Like, no, no, no, that's like that's a lot. Now if you're with his family for four days and then you guys do something else, that's still being with him for more, like that is a lot.
I need my and to me, it sounds even stranger for me to go stay by myself long vacation.
You've never taken maybe five days but.
The partner only five days.
No, not with the partner, even with friends.
But I'm now even since then, I have my own room, like even Deangre's birthday, Like I could call Crystal right now, like I kind of want to call it right now and be like Crystal and Crystal is who travels with me everywhere. That's the longest we've done is four days, even going to South Africa. We did Johannesburg for two days and came down for two days.
Four days is like.
Literally by Max to be around people before I'm like, I'm gonna go off by myself.
I need no that. It's what like Vinnie and I have traveled for weeks on end together. Nah, I've never done that. He's yeah, we like travel.
I mean that's what we used to do we're young, laur in Europe or exploring Asia, like.
Even when I toured two weeks around. We love it.
But what we do is we separate. So if we're not in separate rooms, which for most of the time at this age now that always happens. But yeah, he would do his own thing, I'd stay in like I'm not and him and I And that's why Vinny and I are such good friends. We could be in a club, lose each other and find each other and not be angry and you know some motherfucker.
Oh yeah, no, I do that with some people.
Be like, oh, well, then we came to I've never been like that, and maybe that's what helps. But you're making me think because so Frianda met somebody and I wanted to see a photo and she's like, no, because you and my partner living each other's skin, and you're gonna tell him and I have to keep it close to the chest, that's between me and God until it goes forward. And I'm like, I'm not gonna tell him. She's like, yes, you are. And I remember she came back from a date and he was in the house and we both had like tell us and yeah. I think a lot of our friends feel like that right now that we are spending a lot of time together.
And I don't know.
It's interesting because there are two different types of people, you know, Like one of my friends is dating someone who feels the same as your partner, kind of like, why can't I have more with you when we live in two different cities, and he's like, bro, I just it's not even about her. I just after a few days, I'm like, ah, I need to be alone. It's not about him, and I told him that whereas my partner is like, I'm not really feeling that. I don't feel like my alone time is needed to recharge. I may need a moment of not talking or being having some space, but I don't feel like that. Even in Thailand we were doing we never really had a moment where we were feeling like I need a night alone. But I think it's just everyone's temperament. Because my friend that expressed that to me was like, bro, I feel so bad that I'm in love with her and she thinks I don't want to be around her. However, I will say, I said to him, how do you then be with someone long term that completely feels invalidated because you can't spend that much.
Time with them? Oh no, they got to take that up with a therapist.
I'm telling him it is not about him, and I think that that's the problem with dating. I know you chuckled a little bit, but to be fair, I'm very aware of mil's issue. No, if you feel invalidated, what I'm telling you, it's not you, it's me needing space. I'm a human being who has had a lot of time alone, who spends a lot of time around other people, who works a lot in a capacity where I'm constantly around other people, I'm fully aware that I need space. This has nothing to do with a lack of interest to you. This has nothing to do with my investment to you. This has nothing to do with how much I like you. And it's so funny because we both are catching ourselves with the L word right now and he's like, ooh, almost said it. I was okay, I baby, And we do this thing where we kiss when we hang up, and we're both not saying it, but I'm like, I feel so adored by this man, like I really genuine like him. And it's so crazy because when we're like around each other, the PDA is crazy. Like we we hug, we hold hands, we have to wrap each other around each other, like the forehead kisses the mouth kis.
It isn't like to me, that's not a compromise.
My compromise is four days and I'm spending money to come to la You spend money to come to Atlanta.
We meet in between. We make these plans.
I love the idea of missing you, but in this space that I'm in where I'm constantly around other people.
I really wholeheartedly.
Need my recharge, like and I think that's why I'm really enjoying this move right now, because I don't have the fomo of being outside in Atlanta, and I literally just spend time in my house.
Oh you should see. I'm belave to very laugh because like I can feel that because when I'm in New York. New York makes me la.
I don't feel like I have to be outside and it's constantly my mind doesn't stop. Oh you should see. Y'all could talk about me as a cat mom. I don't care. There's times where I'm literally at the house and I will lock Body in a room because he just be.
Trying to be up on me. Sometimes, Body go away, now hold on, I will put body in a last When Mandy said.
I guess it's more so of the fact that I'm wondering, is it down to a tea that you know that it is a four day thing?
Yeah, like even with traveling. Yes, Like I'm going to Jamaica literally for Labor Day weekend. Y'all, Choco blizz, get your tickets now join me there. And it's five to seven days.
And I'm like you, I don't know if I can't, I can't go. It's always a long trip.
Five, Like anything more than four is a long time, even for me to be around. Like Crystal, who we have a thirteen year friendship. It's literally what I know with her, and she had she had a day job, like I traveled a lot. Like we even used to say there would be days where we wouldn't see each other. Bro, I had niggas coming in the house that she never met. Like, Bro, how the fuck we live together this long? And I ain't never seen this thing. Anything came and knock them down.
But I'm thinking for compromise, and genuinely you care about this person.
He cares about you.
Fuck the invalidation thing and saying it's an insecurity he wants to go on a trip with you Europe is far right. Let's just say he's like, yo, I would love to spend three days with you and my family and three days with us on the beach like in Europe. Like that's a long trek for both of you, especially him being in La for him.
It's a long trek for me it's six eight hours. But still it's a thing he wants to do with you. Could you because you.
He's what Eden's making the point of is like you're saying it's four days. Maybe could you try to see how you can recharge yourself while spending that much time?
That's actually another reason. Yet you're right, that is kind of also why I chuckled a bit because it makes me wonder, Okay, how do we get Mandy to day five?
Right? That is I mean he's trying to figure it out, which is why.
Yeah, that's I mean I think I would be trying to figure out how to make this day five happen.
Yeah, but I think we're we're also still so new, like I don't want to be in a point like I love that. Also when we're around, there's no arguments, it's fun Like, I love that. I don't want to get to the point where maybe he sees me so early in my funk. I'm fully aware that I need a break, girl, I.
Need a charge a man knowing you get in your moods. Oh, he's a relationship. He's fine.
He has seen me get testy with like an uber driver or him not. It's funny because he drives in LA and I have like a thing about I'm gonna do the Ubers because every time in Vegas that he even ordered a Uber wrong pin drop and it was like we were waiting on a fucking car too long.
So I'm just like, I got it.
But to me, I mean again, I think in relationships, I think what's important is self awareness and I think a lot of people like it. I am being very open with what I can, what I can deal.
With him, what I can, what I can. I think you don't know. I know I'm telling.
No, I know you don't know what this person. That's unfair. It's not unfair. It's me as a person. It's with my ex's with my best friends, it's with my family, it's with work. Like and I think that's another thing, Like damn, I'm saying what I know about myself and people are like, well, maybe you don't.
Like I think it just lacks compromise.
Seriously, I think if someone say, if the shoe was on the other foot, to know that someone couldn't try for you, I think four days in Europe, I get what you mean. We have the means to bounce around and do what we want to do, but like not everybody bounces back like that, like jet lag, time spent like maybe he wants to show you more of what he's seen. Like, I think it's perfectly normal and okay to say, can I get another day or two out of you? And you could learn how to recharge? If it's a hard no for you, it's a hard no for you, But I think being that you have someone that you know really cares about you, I think he'd be more than willing to help you find that space, like and be open to it, like if you really need the recharge, because there has to be at some point you learn to recharge while around a partner, Like I think that does have to exist.
What does that cooled down look like for you? Let's say four days happened, and this amongst your partner or like your friends us, Let's say like four days happens, how do you cool down? And when do you know you're ready to see your partner again?
I literally am home the whole day.
Yeah, like soaking, I take my nap.
Like it's funny because he knows my routine. Like when I'm home, I have a three o'clock nap. I like having on my pads. I like if I want to turn on a TV, I turn it on sometimes I clean, like it's a literal shut down from everyone, Like I might be on the phone till maybe ten am because I'm like a seven am riser and that's it. Like I'm literally away from crowds and people. And I think I think it's gotten worse because of the capacity of us, even touring the live shows, the constant like dealing with multiple teams, you know, like we're in slack.
I have slack for two other businesses.
Like it's a constant thing to where I literally in order for me to show up is my best self. It's something that I need and and to me, we'll work around it. But that's something that I need. And I don't want to get to a place where I resent somebody over compromiser, being forced to do something that I don't want to. And I think that already dealing with the long distance and us finding ways to compromise with each other, we are like I even told him, like moody shit, I don't really like. So I said, hey, babe, if you realize you want a mood we cannot do it like I did it when like he has a lot going on with work and so even before he came to Denver. I was like, if you're in a mood and you're not in the best space, I'd rather you not come to Denver. Like, I'm also very particular with when we finally get to see each other, that we have this amazing time together that all of the outside noise doesn't bother us enjoying each other. And I guess that's also my view on partnership, Like I'm looking at our partnership in relationship as being able to exhibit and live life together and make memories together. But it's also I'm not looking to cohabitate. I'm not looking for marriage, I'm not looking for kids, and so all of those stressors don't exist. We should be able to like, really, you know, just enjoy each other. I get to do that with my friends. I really want to be able to do that with my partner.
Wheezy, Where do you feel like your limit might be a first, let's say if we were to like try to calculate it both the cool down and like, let's say after it.
Right, my limit is actually only social spaces with people I'm.
Not comfortable with.
Time wise, though, Like let's say she gave us four days.
No, she said she could be Oh no, I couldn't be with my partner every day.
Give me, there has to be a limit. There's no way, dog, I'm okay. So even though I know you're in like livydw, but still no some real.
Shit, like I'm very comfortable with him.
You have to remember also, I lived with someone before, when I was in Mexico living with old Bay Like. Of course he's a piece of shit, but I wasn't taught. I know how to live with someone and not to have my own space. I've never lived in a one bedroom with someone. I've never had a roommate. Weard enough space, so I'm pretty good with that. I was actually thinking of something when you were talking, because my partner also told me he's never spent so much time with someone. He's like, I really thought I needed my alone time. But we kind of know what to do with each other to recharge.
He said.
I was in a really bad mood. And don't get me wrong, we understand when space happens. But I was upset about something and he wanted to comfort me, and we had plans, and he said, listen, if we were living together already, what would you want me to do? Go out and sit outside. You want me to go stuff myself in the second bedroom. You need to learn how to be around me.
I don't give a fuck Like you're sitting here screaming calling me because you need me, but you don't want me to see you like this. I'm going to see you and show up for you.
You need some space when we're in the house, fine, I'll take Nina whatever, but I'm going to see you in every emotion.
We talked about marriage.
And being together for the future, like and you don't want me to see you like this?
That was it.
I was like, I can have you seen me like this? And he was like, oh Na, like this, this is what life is. This is what my partnership and me giving myself to you is, which is the opposite of me, so I think, but I think no one's wrong, No, no, no, I'm not saying you're wrong at all. This is where I I love that we are different. We exist with partners that are different or may want different things.
I do want to build on this conversation for sex. Yeah.
What's interesting about what happened was I, for a moment thought what he was doing was wrong, And what I realized is that that was a big step for me because I was feeling really down, really bad, and I hadn't gotten that vulnerable yet. What I was feeling was I can never let him see me like this because he thinks of me a certain way. So it wasn't like just a bad day, like I need to be by myself tonight, babe.
It was like, I'm really hurting.
I think in my past relationships, I have only came to partners when I need them.
I haven't let them shown up for me in those moments.
And I realized that's something that makes him feel like we are closer and connected, knowing that we can support each other because he wants it from me if he needs me. So it's weird because in one way, I've definitely seen it as like this face is good, but I also can see the other side of hey, we have to know every facet. And it's crazy because Brion did and I go back and forth about this a lot. She's who I've talked a lot about this relationship with. I guess she's seen it the most hands on, and she's like, Damn, I don't know if I ever want to be as in love with someone as the two of you are, because I would never let my man know I was hurting like this. I would never let him know I was feeling ugly or fat or just making shit of right now, feeling fat, feeling down about myself. I don't know if I would ever let a man see that. And I'm like, I can't believe I did let a man see that. On the contrary, we had this conversation in front of him, and he was like, I wouldn't be with a woman if I couldn't understand her completely and fully. I would hate for her to have these dark thoughts about herself or something that's going on and I can't see it for you?
Who am I to you? Then?
Is there another friend that's doing this? Is there a place I can't meet?
Like?
How is it possible that you're hurting this bad if I'm the closest person to you and I can't help you. And we talked a lot about that because when no Hol's barred, I was writing it the depression chapter set in and he's like, have you ever been depressed? With Obay said his name. I was like a little bit, And he's like he couldn't see it or read it, And how is it that you thought you were in love with someone and you couldn't open up to them, like I'm hurting, I feel like this. He's like, you're telling me you ran in a car to get on the phone with a therapist and had a man with you that loves you and you didn't say it out loud.
And you know what's crazy? That showed me.
I may not have been that in love because I could tell a friend easy when I need some help. But for some reason, in romantic relationships, that vulnerability looks different.
It's weird. I even on the opposite sense of that had the conversation. I think we actually had this conversation on the podcast. Like I would go to Crystal or It or Carla or my therapist with things, I have zero expectations of my partner being somebody to see feel here everything that I'm going through. I don't put that emphasis on a romantic partner to be someone to be able to receive or take in all of my feelings of everything that I'm doing.
I think literally I'll text my therapist.
And be like, oh shit, something's bothering me, and it's something that I may never even tell my partner because he's not a podcaster. We even talk about how we're in completely different industries. I think that where I'm at, and maybe I'm leaning more towards this poly like way of thinking, I have zero desire for my partner to feel or have the expect or the expectations of taking me on fully with every feeling, every issue in my life, every element of my life.
Because again, he's my romantic partner.
How we exist is so different than than my relationship with my therapist, than my relationship with my mom, than my relationship with Crystal and all of my other best friends.
I think we do need to obviously still keep your friendships and shit. I think in this particular conversation I'm having, it's more so the vulnerability. It's not like, tell me everything, but I need to know when you're going through it and when there's pain there, because I haven't.
Done that before.
Like I did not like to show my worse self in a relationship because I never felt like it would be conducive to how they view me, kind of like me looking raggedy, Like I don't want you to see me looking raggedy, But maybe you know what exists without make.
Or whatever it might be.
I think like that was a very interesting turning point in learning that I'm with someone that wants to be with me for the long haul, because you're carrying in a different way. I also understand because if I found out my partner was able to come to other people about things that they couldn't come to with me, not work issues, like a podcasting, something that was deep and serious to them, that would.
Hurt I don't know if that would hurt me. I think that's the crazy thing. Me and him are having these conversations a lot about what it looks like like he has a female best friend. We actually just had this conversation recently and he was like, I kind of feel like you're not as invested or don't care, Like I'm having to try to see what would you not allow because just with with anything like what she looked like his best friend is gorgeous doesn't bother me. I have I have a lot of I have a lot of male best friends. And what I'm realizing is he has the confusion with my response to a lot of things, and he's like, oh my god, like I went to my best friend's play then dropped her best friend off at home and met her family and we all hung out and ate dinner before the play, and he was like, you asked me how the play was, You asked me how the dinner was, and that's it. He's like, I counted if I shared that same story with any of my exes, I would have all hell would have broke loose, because what do you mean you dropped off another woman home? What do you mean you met your female best friends? He was like, I actually wasn't allowed to have my best friend around in my last relationship because she was a woman. And so he's like, I had this conversation with my mom trying to figure out what the line is, because you don't show up with jealousy and rage and arguments over things that.
In my past relationships sayame too well. But that's the thing.
And I told him, I said, there's no way I would show up that way because when I'm out with Keith, or I'm on the phone with Ish, or I'm like literally my homeboy side came over my house the other day for game night.
I said, Babe, I'm around a lot of men.
I said, there's no way I could show up that way because I, in no way would expect your behavior to be that way with.
Me, Wolf, just because you're ho teppye.
So my partner has told me this is the first time he's ever been around a woman that's had so many men around. And now you know my homeboys are his alex Andre whatever, even my gay male friends.
Right.
I'm bringing this up because when Brie found out my male friends were hanging or maybe one needed to stay over because I have a two betterman New York, She's like, there should be no male female friendship, Like the fuck that's way too close. Do you think a woman having close male friends is something you could deal with or something that's respectful to a long term relationship?
Hey, Ed, and you're on camera? Are you not on camera because you laughing? Oh? You ain't no camera, that's why you laughing.
Okay, because we have a different male friendships and pretty much running our shit the same.
I want to know what.
You think it got to be, like, absolutely no chance humanly possible that there's like some them to see or like thoughts about each other. They got to be one hundred percent.
How do you ever know that? Though? And I see this is the conversation Eddon's pointed at me because my man is like, all them.
Niggas want to fuck you, I believe. I don't believe. No, man, it wouldn't take it. If you want to suck they dick, if you want to fuck them, it would they not your brother.
It's gonna take some interrogation, you know what I mean.
It's gonna take terrogation. You would terrogate in the mail front.
And terrogating everything, asking her what have y'all been through? What type of have y'all slept in the same bed, like certain things are like good c's and be like it's something going on right here, Like y'all sleeping in the same bed once before.
That's a red flag for me sleeping in the same bed together. But if there was no sex, nigga, maybe we had to keep bed thigg's cuddled before some shit like is different than just laying in.
Alex and I had to share a bed and it was awful. We were in Soho house in Israel. They had no two beds, and he was like, I'm gonna get the pillow. Good bitch, ain't no what you want me to do. But I remember it being weird and I was single at the time, and I remember when he called his girl. I was like, I can't believe hit. This bitch knows I'm right here, Like, is he insane? And she's very secure because it wouldn't be me.
I don't like that. You ain't about to sit up in the motherfucking bed with your female best friend and you hi, nigga.
What a contrast?
No, I think there needs to be boundaries. Number one, Oh for sure.
My partner told me when we first met, like, what the fuck are you going to dinner with niggas?
For what? I go to dinner? I was at that house. I was like, I'm so confused. I thought this was normal.
Now I see now, I think what's happened now is he's just like maybe because he has a relationship with these men, but also I'm bouncing around different cities. I'm catching my homeboys wherever, Like we're talking about work whatever.
I get it. But he's like, how the fuck would you feel about me taking a bit?
My boyfriend facetimed me he went over his best friend's house and she was cooking. She was cooking a lot of food, and he went over and her homegirls was there and I'm.
On face time. It was just He's good.
That's his best friend, right, I have I have male best friends, So I like to tell her be I used.
To cook for Alex when we were both single. I'm gonna be honest. This is someone I own a business with and I've been friends with a long time.
I can understand if I was making a meal for Alex, how that would make my partner feel.
Right now, yes, now, in his mind, Alex and I are always gonna talk about work when we're around each other. Now it's just turned into that. But I'm trying to think, what if.
It was Andre?
Now I feel like hypocritical because I'm like, because I.
Do think it's kind of crap. Why are if Andre?
Because and Andre is the close meal friend I have that I don't have networking or work relationships. Right, Andre comes over just for me to cook for him? Now, But y'all closed though, I know, and that's different. That's what I'm okay.
See, this is the thing. If a stranger cooked, if my girl cooked the cook cooked the meal for another dude, I don't really know like that, I'm like, what the fuck? If it is like one of her bestest friends, I'd be like, Okay, cool, it's not a big deal. Now, my girl. I could only imagine if someone cooked the meal for me in either sense, I could see them.
But can you see your girl? You have an old man, white man.
Did and I was like, okay, mabe good, because you're cooking looks like dog.
Food, So I hope you get that. Well, let me tell you.
I think it's the thing, the only thing, and this is fucked up. I really believe this, and I'm lucky that in these two male relationships it's not the case. However it was the case in other ones. It's never happened to me with al or Andre, but there's always one that if something was a little different, they would do it.
So the question is, are you allowed to cook for another person?
No?
No, do y'all believe that in a male and female dynamic, there's always one who feels.
Like I mean, I'm not gonna lie that me and him just it's funny because where I don't exhibit jealousy at all, he kind of does. I was telling him a story about I'm not gonna say which person, but someone in a sex club has made me squirt before, right, And I was just at a sex club in Atlanta and they were there and my homegirl.
Got to experience the magical fingers.
And so I'm feeling you can't say magical fings magical fingers, like if I was your man hearing this and I just heard my girl talk about magical fingers sperms.
Anyway, Anyway, what's crazy is so I'm telling him that, you know, I h and he was like, we're gonna put a pin in this because I feel away.
What do you mean you were just in the room with someone who had fingered you.
Before, And I was like, yeah, the op a tough, and I said, and when he fingered me, nigga, it was with and with the permission of my ex boyfriend in a sex cluff.
I'm your relationship today as it stands. Can you get could you have gotten fingered by him?
Oh? I'm not gonna lie, And maybe y'all to hear more of it on Patreon. I literally went out the other night and literally text him sub drunk, babe, what's our boundaries again? Because I want to eat pussy tonight and I literally fucked someone the girl, and well, no, no, no, right now, it's just women. He's even said, Babe, if we have so much time apart, and you have the urge. I would want you to share with me that urge to see a man, because I'll probably try to book the next flight out. But if we're in a space where like he's looking at a role right now, that might take him to Europe for months, and she's like, I can't get to Europe because maybe we're on tour.
I let him know.
We'll have that conversation, but you could have sex, and baby, if I'm in the need, I'm gonna need some too.
Do you think he has the same sexual appetite of like wanting to fuck other people.
No, he's told me he doesn't. Okay, that's on him. I like, I mean, I like women, which is why like I did. I hit him up and was like, babe, I really want to like be with a woman tonight.
But right now he doesn't want you to sex with other men? No, no, no, no no. But I don't need to. Like even the way he's like the flowers.
Woman, I just want to say, well, no, he ain't got a pussy, so I'm completely different. Like sex and intimacy with a woman is way different than a man, which is why I've said, we are non monogamous, and an element of that is because when and if I have the desire to be with a woman, I don't want that cage the way. I just love that shit though, Yeah, I think the real part of it, No, they also love it when it's when they can be a part of it.
Mind you.
I also so he asked me about the like, so, baby, did you get pussy last night? I said yeah. He was like, ooh, tell me about her. I said, it was my friend and me and her just went and got food the other night. And so even him, he's.
Like, oh, she was really touchy on you. But I'm like, nigga, you know, we fuck. So that's my friend.
He's having to get used to the fact that, well, I've fucked quite a.
Bit of my friends.
Like he's about to meet one in La Babe, we've had sex before, like, and so now he's like, I want to know who you've had sex with before, even if I meet them, And I said.
Okay, oh, I think that's a good rule. Yeah, I think that's fine. Girl.
We just went out to some I'm a piano party of love little house and I'm like, it was so funny. I was like, damn, that girl looks so cute and familiar. I thought she was like an influencer. So he's looking invarits and I'm like, what's wrong?
Oh?
Is that the bitch you fucking the parking lot that one time? And then a second later I'm like, oh, I went out with that n again. He's like, who the fuck are we?
Bro?
We just think that we can't go nowhere, And I love having that, but I will say I like knowing I don't want to be around no bitch.
I'm saying what's up too? Because I'm a cool ass bitch.
Bro, you told me you was fucking a bitch last week when I was out of town. As long as I know, I'm okay, I'm very very comfortable. The sneakiness is what I can't do knowing that I could be around somebody that you are keeping.
You're holding this from so you I don't know, man, I just.
What's a good time to tell your said partner about this? By the way, what do you mean.
If we're in a space, Let's just say we go out to a restaurant bar, tell them.
Because I've had scenarios like this before, were you before too? Oh yeah, okay, yeah, so I've had a partner, and then she was around on the girl that yeah you don't let me comnicated with, and then so okay, so okay, so I got to do it there.
Yes, ah, oh you should have seen the way me and me and my boyfriend just been telling stories and I brought up somebody and he was like, ah, that's relationship with that person.
So then he brings someone else up, and I.
Had to be like, you remember how you were weird about me because they were celebrities.
So I was like, ah, you want to know how it was weird? I brought up that girl, Oh I'm adjacent to Oh yeah, that guy that you just mentioned. We kind of fucked.
And it's so funny because he was like, I'm actually kind of shocked. I mean we kind of fucked. I kind of kind of let him put it in. Yeah, we kind of it was only like a two time thing. And here he goes because you know, he was like, would you really.
He said, what would you want to know if you were in the same space or would you want to know later space?
You're even one of his work events.
Let's say there's a colleague he slept with, or a woman that's in the field.
Whatever.
Would you want to know if you guys are around her all night or would you want to know later? Do you have a boundary with that that you know yet?
Let me know what changes anything?
No, I'm saying, Mandy, but when would you feel weird if he told you the next day, next week?
I was there three to three.
I mean, it depends if we are talking to each other. If it's a woman who's just in the room that I don't have a connect, she comes up and you know, I'm introduced to her at that moment.
When she leaves us, maybe tell me because now I've been.
So you want to know in the place, if we've interacted. Yeah, that's the point.
If she's just in the room. So Macie, you point out everybody that you've fucked in the room. If I like, I might not have even.
Seen there shouldn't be that many people in the room. But I will say I've never seen him ignore someone he slept with. Generally speaking, he'll tell me, oh that girl over there, and he'll always say.
Hello, Oh, I ain't gonna hold you the whole nigg is Hey, if you see me with a nigga. Do not come up and speak to me. Do not disrespect We are not together. If I am with another nigga, I'm not gonna lie. I think it's petty and stiff, disrespectful. What if we fucked before and I'm outside with another nigga, do not text me, d M me or I meant me, say you saw me in the room.
Okay, that's kind of why the fun out of here? That's weird.
It's weird, like the dude texting her you know.
I saw you, but I've seen you was happening and say hello. No, no, no, even I was in Nobo. I was a nobu before I got with my boyfriend.
Nope, you're saying, don't say hello, Hello, I don't know say hello.
Fuck No, why why you want to know?
If you're across the room and you see me on a dat or with somebody and all we did was fun.
Let's be very clear, y'all know a bitch only got walk.
I fucked and you see me out with another nigga, do not make yourself be known.
Do not come and say hi. Keep your ass across the room. I mean, if I do here, you got me fucked up. There's no reason if all we did.
Was fuck, which again, y'all know I got one x everybody else situationships buck boys do not come and speak to me another say nothing. So no, if I see a man from across the room that I slept with who is clearly out with another woman, I'm making my way to go over there to say hi.
I mean, I say hi.
I'm not gonna I'm saying, don't getting proximity like at the bar, or I'm not gonna.
Not like it.
But no, no, no, That's why I just think that I distinctively said, if we are across the room, there's no reason for you to make your way to come say hi.
So I guess I wouldn't do this. I have a thing of I'm pretty okay with coexisting when people are fucked. Oh me too, we can coexist.
If I am there with another man, do not come in and introduce yourself.
So you guys are two completely different personalities. Clearly, what would be the how do I say it to you? Right and we're in I'm in the vicinity of a woman that I've pornicated with, and I'm with you right now.
I fucked her.
That sounds a little too easy, and I don't want to fall into that job.
I don't well to me.
To me, it depends your expectations if you've already had the previous conversation.
Literally bring up babe.
You know you remember how we said if we were in a space, you would want to know if I had sex with anyone in the room. Well, the girl over there, it was years ago. You don't have to worry about it.
We don't even talk to me. I just want to tell you. But I mean, even if it was, well, it wouldn't have been last week. This is you're in a relationship.
You've discussed these boundaries right then it becomes that. But again, you've had the conversation, so you preface it with the same way I did.
Babe, what was our boundary again? About women? You want to know before or after?
That's literally what I text them while I was out and he was like, Babe, you about to And I said, yeah, I really want some tonight.
And I told him about it the next day.
This is my son in high school ish. But now, if what if you didn't fuck her, what if you made out with her before.
Made out date? You could say we dated. I mean that's a loose term. Now, I still had those warnings.
There was a DJ that I really wanted to go see and he was like just letting you know, my a finger popping and some shit and all that.
So then I'm not buying tickets. You get them.
Oh that's great, A bitches fire.
I don't give a fuck. We still go.
I don't know, I feel it's like this, right, I'm speaking from a slight place of privilege in this moment because of the status of my relationship. However, I've definitely been in scenarios where I wasn't in a committed relationship. I was just dating and I felt like not as secure. When someone makes you feel secure, it's easy to feel easy, breezy about other women. Men make women feel invalidated a lot of the time about their place in their life or whatever, or just feeling like their eyes are on other women, whatever the case may be. So it does take a lot of confidence to get there. So I don't know if everyone can feel that in this particular moment. Who's listening if it happens, But what I I would say definitely talking about respect and how you'll be treated in those spaces that's happened to me a lot. I've always thought to myself, Oh my god, what if we're at a show and this Nikka fucked one of the people in the audience, right, How would that make me feel?
What do we do? How do we carry it on?
Especially being that he's fucked women I'm fans of, that's kind of weird. But also at the same time, it's not you guys are hot people. Of course you fucked some model bitches out here, duh. So I think it's really just like, how will we conduct ourselves in these spaces?
What will we do?
It's also not the conducting in space. I think what I'm realizing with my partner now is the unhealthy level of toxicity that exists in relationships, in terms of, oh, you only think I care if I showcase jealousy. You only think I care if I'm arguing with you about this, and that, like the fact that he's like, baby, you don't get mad at me when I'm doing things that other women have got mad about, and I'm like, babe, you have to realize like that those were women who led with their insecurity or brought their traumas into a relationship that just because I'm not getting upset doesn't mean I care less for you.
That's not true. If a woman is upset about him eating at his best friend's house, that doesn't mean she's insecure.
Well to me, if it's if it's a woman, it could be a trauma because maybe an ex fucked their last you know, his last one.
But you can have a boundary without being insecure.
To me, though, the element of platonic friendships being a quote unquote boundary for people, I do think that that is a toxic insecure trick.
People should people are allowed to have. We are so far on the non ethical, non monogamy scale. I think we forget normal, possible regular boundaries for some, but I think a lot of but normally, no, they don't. People can have boundaries and they're not labeled as insecure. For example, you know your person has a platonic friend cool. Maybe the boundaries being in the home. Maybe you just don't want your man going to that woman's home and her coming into his. That's totally fine as a boundary. I don't have that one.
It needed to you.
But that doesn't make someone insecure because they have that boundary. The levels of respect that people have for each other or want for themselves doesn't make them insecure. Because I want my man and I to talk openly about sex or right now we're monogamish, that doesn't make me insecure.
I think insecure is one of the.
Words that have such a negative connotation, that there's insecurities we all hold. If the insecurity is because this person is of the opposite sex, where is that semming from that you have no problem with him going over his boy's house.
I think when I bring up.
The insecurity, it is the lack of trust and the inability to view one Let me finish, because if the only difference is this person can't do this with a female friend but he could do it with a male friend, there's an insecurity or of trust. I'll use that since there's such a such a stigma around the word insecure. But I think that when we act as though people of opposite genders can't hold these platonic relationships, or you don't trust your partner to not slide.
Or the woman's slide.
If they can do something with their male friends that they're not allowed to do with their female friends, I say, and this is my opinion alone, again, everyone has one, an opinion and an asshole.
You could disagree with me here, but I'm not wrong. You're not wrong.
I believe and I perceive it to be an insecurity if the boundaries are only associated to friends of the opposite So.
Then since you consider it a lack of trust, can he sleep over? Then can he go on vacation with her?
No? No?
No, Because to your point, if going in the home is the insecurity boundary, then where do you draw a line? Because if you have none, then you have none. But I actually think that's really unfair to say, because yes, there needs to be boundaries. I agree with boundaries in a relationship. I agree with that, So I'm not just agreeing with that. Or how come a boundary for what I want within a platonic friendship is lacked? Is me lacking trust in you? Or being insecure? That's a boundary. A boundary is not an insecurity.
No, there's not.
But again, when you're in a romantic relationship, you also and everything is customizable, so boundaries don't necessarily aren't necessarily an umbrella over a friendship or relationship.
Should your line be what is he not allowed to do with his platonic friend.
Oh, go on an international trip with just him.
Andre and we're friends. So did you do that? Did you do that while you were in a relationship. I went to South Africa with him and his own boy.
So that's a group setting. We literally just had a group setting. To me, is fine if someone else will be there. We literally just had this conversation. He's like, Babe, if if my best friend I won't say her name, wanted me to join her and Antiga because you're going to Dreamville, could I do it?
I said, Well, who else is going to be there?
I said, if it's a group thing, if it's a birthday trip, if for if her friends are going to be there, go.
So they can go to Miami, but they can't go to Antigue Like no, it's literally an international trick, but that's what I'm saying. So they can go to Miami together.
It's like we're all walking the carpet together with him, and like a boundary would be like, no, she can't walk the carpet with you because I'm.
There, and I don't why actually that we're going to be there together.
I think you haven't been put into place yet to feel uncomfortable, but you are really expressing boundaries like no, but I think it's sizable but right, But what you're saying could be an insecurity. Then to your point, your insecurity, you have a lack of trust international, No, it's just something you don't like because you can feel disrespected, whereas other people can feel that alone in.
A home with someone.
The way that you can feel respected in your relationship doesn't necessarily mean it's an insecurity.
And you're saying that there's a buzzword on the insecurity.
But if there's also a buzzword on lack of trust, again, that's not good.
But both things can exist both.
Like I'm fine with saying, as a human being we have insecurities, I'm fine with as a human being saying when we're in relationships there may be elements of lack of trust because in different scenarios you may be tested differently. I don't have a problem with her cooking for you. Do I want y'all to be five days getting drunk together on an island together?
No, And I as a human being can.
Express and admit that maybe that comes from my mind working and feeling like this whole trip may not be innocent, So no, that would be a boundary of an insecurity always got.
A meal to make it a trip to go on?
Hell no, now, Wolf, I'm a gonna throw it to you. What do you think would be a boundary or something you may have within platonic friendships? Just to hear from a man's perspective, because again, Mandy and I are I feel like really loose with our boundaries, nigga.
Lunch a boundary that I would have for platonic friends in the.
Relationship, your girl has a guy best friend, what are they allowed to do or not?
He's got tickets to again?
Okay, I got one for you.
I got one for you right now. If y'all hanging out, I would feel most comfortable if you let me know before I would feel you know, I don't want to put too much yellow tape around this one, but like I don't want to hear like oh me and Joseph when it had drinks, you know what I mean? Like, I would prefer you let me know. I just feel more for incluted, you know what I mean? Something like that. But I've dealt with that in a relationship. I've dealt with that in a relationship before where the nigga came and told me like, hey, yo, like we're gonna all get drinks later today And I was like, what you're talking about? What you're talking about? And I felt dumb, you know what I mean? And I didn't have a problem with him, but it was just like in the way I like to run my relationships, like come and make sure I'm comfortable with that first, because I would absolutely do the same thing to you.
What's crazy about that is though it's the simple thing of I mean, communication is key. We've been saying that since probably the beginning of time on this podcast, but people have in telling sometimes their partner what they're gonna do, a lot of times we perceive that it's gonna be an argument before we even do it, so we don't feel the need to communicate it because we don't want the argument or we don't want the conflict, when in reality, so much can be resolved if you just communicate that this is what you're about to do. I also think like a lot of people don't. Yeah, they're not leaving the space for you to communicate that.
Yeah.
I remember the first time my partner told me about sex with someone else, So I was. I told him I want to know before, and it was a I think I was away and he sent me a message about it.
I said, okay, baby, I'll talk to you later.
And he called me later that night and we started talking normal and he's like, okay, no, and you're gonna ask me like when are we.
Gonna do this? Like it was it was weird.
It was it was like kind of uncomfortable because it's such a new thing, like how do you learn each other's boundaries?
How do you learn what to do? How do you learn how to tell someone you're gonna fuck someone else? Like?
And I honestly think the uncomfortability for him was probably why you an't really do it again, because it's just like, damn, this is something that maybe I don't enjoy, Like maybe I can't really handle how this feels. Maybe it does feel like a cheat because that is one of my rules. I want to know before, just like a platonic friend hangout right. I think being the open space for wanting to be told about news is what all of us need to do. Ladies, if you have a friend, if you have a guy who wants to hang with his homegirl but ends up telling you later. I totally agreeab Wolf, I agree, let me know before. Like, but then when he tells you, you're like, oh, you're gonna bee an average again.
I mean, I'm me.
It's not even I don't normally tell him everything before, but if he calls me, I'd pick up like, hey, babe, this is who I'm with, and I introduce and I'd be like, this is my boyfriend, like like, my boyfriend has met almost everyone on FaceTime.
Gets so annoyed with that.
I know he would be like, bitch, on the fuck I didn't get on a god to be a phone I called you. It's so crazy because it's different strokes. I could see if I'm sitting with a dude and I answer my call, Hey, this is my friend Mark, he works at Netflix. We just gotta drink together, he'd be like, okay, bitch, I'm calling you.
Get back on this phone.
Like I wouldn't like him to do me to know bitch either. That wouldn't make me feel good. I mean, but to me, it takes the guard down of it being something. I mean, you just said you have to tell him when you're with a platonic friend.
I'm saying that I didn't say I have to. Oh, I said I would like that.
Oh well, while I'm out, I'm not telling anybody my everyday move because sometimes shit is last minute and I'm not asking for permission and I'm not. So if I'm out and you call me, hey, babe, I'm out. This is my friend right now, this is so, and so I'll call you when I get home. Muh like to me, I would appreciate that, even from him, because now, okay, there's nothing to hide.
You know exactly what I'm doing. I'll hit you when I leave them. Host don't want to suck that dick. Let me tell you something. I don't give a fuck. That hole can sit here and be like, oh man, when you come tow La, I'll.
Make you fucking curry chicken too, bitch, put it up your asshole.
I don't give a fuck. Them hoes be sneaking. They'd be lying. Any niggas be lying, and that is why you need to buy no host bar. We were gonna tell you all what what.
To do and where we learn from our mistakes. I hope you guys really enjoyed this episode. I kind of loved talking about this because even though we have so much of the same, like because I'm the same way right, go out with your homegrown and give a fuck nigga. We have so much of the same ethical nominogamy ideals, but very different structures and rules around what makes us feel safe and comfortable in a relationship. Absolutely, it's so interchangeable, like I don't know, I just I've told you recently and I've said it a few times in horrible I hate the recent E and M talk because I really don't think people know what they're doing. I don't think they know how to express what they want, how they feel comfortable. I think that everybody's just kind of seeing what fits.
And I mean, I'm also with someone who has never even thought to be in it. He's he's very monogamous, and he's open to figuring out how my mind works and how to feel safer in expressing things that in previous relationships he didn't have the autonomy too. And I love it for us, like I'm excited about us exploring these things together, explore. But again, I think it's also very again customizable. He's probably not someone that will feel as comfortable in a sex club as my previous partner. And it's fine because I've also been to three sex clubs since we've been together, and I've got to express and tell him all the things and he's like, yeah, I don't know if.
I would like that, but I like it's very he would enjoy it. Seems like he loves he would hate it. No, no, no.
I think when you care about someone very much, you enjoy watching them have a great time. And I think that when he sees how comfortable you can.
Be, it reminds me of the conversation with King Noir he said he hated pretty Ricky. If you got a friend that you want to go enjoy pretty Ricky with, go enjoy it. And I'm not gonna try to say, bitch, I am pretty Ricky. I wouldn't even want to bring my man into a space where he could ruin it for me, because I know how even I describe it, he seems so uninterested.
I you don't have to come. This is something that I am tour. Probably not, Why would they not? You're not gonna bring him on? And I don't know, probably doubt it.
You could go bring that baby dad. I'm surprised because he came to Denver, YEP. And you didn't meet him there where it's to meet your boyfriend. Would wouldn't meet your boyfriend. I'm keeping him very suburb I did it. I didn't say you were begging. I'm just saying where we're at, we're gonna I'm gonna keep him very very opposite of my business and work outside of this premiere, we're agreeing to do the same.
Well, y'all go ahead and check us out on patreon dot com backslash Horrible Decisions, and we will see you next week.
That's right. Bye ah.
