Waiting on ReparationsHand Me My Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts. So I want to start today's episode off with something that I found on Frida CALO's Internet and I'm probably this probably won't be the first time that I refer to something from this account. It's from an account called We Care Ourselves Underscore and this here that I'm reading is eight signs someone is Good for You. And I just thought it would be proper to read this to you guys, because for this episode and the episode prior, I was in conversation with one of the closest people to me on the earth, my very very good friend, my best friend, Crystal. And this is a great checkpoint for deciding or you know, just doing a check in about whether or not somebody is good for you. And this is not just about romantic relationships. I talk a lot about relationships, but romantic relationships are not the beginning.
And end of your life.
Like the other relationships in your life should be really important to you as well. So I'm gonna go ahead and read these to you. Eight sign someone is good for you. Number one, they make you feel more confident about yourself. Number two, they support you during the highs and lows Number three, and this to me is the most important. You can be one hundred percent yourself around them. Number four, they make you feel at peace. Number five. After you spend time together, you feel happy and content. Number six, they don't try to put you down or hold you back. Number seven, you let go. This is another important one. You let go of your ego in their presence. And number eight, they encourage you to follow your dreams.
All right, y'all, you.
Know what time it is.
I can't see the things that have it. Okay, what's up? Y'all?
Welcome to Handy My Purse the podcast. I am Ami Walker, and I will be your forever host each and every single time you tune into this podcast.
So go ahead and get comfortable.
Get yourself a glass of your favorite beverage, whether that's orange, gatorade, some grape soda in a can, or an espresso martini. And let me just say the first time I tried an espresso martini, I've never ordered one. But I was out with some pals, some homegirls, and one of them ordered one, and I took my straw and tasted it, and I was like, oh my god. And this was about a couple of months ago. This was in May, and the key was that the espresso martini was made with mescal instead of whatever they traditionally use. If I'm not mistaken, I think they used vodka and that thing was delicious, do you understand me? So go ahead and light yourself a candle, burn some incense or some sage, and just get ready to chill out and have a good time. What's up, friends and ken, It's MEI Resident Auntie Supreme. Here, hand me my purse the podcast, and today I am sipping on the new Starbucks drink. Recently, they just introduced new frozen lemonade refreshers, and I have tried all three of them in a matter of a week, and at this point, I've already figured out to which one I think I like the most. When it comes to traditional refreshers, the strawberry Asaii is definitely my favorite, and I'm still kind of on the fence with the frozen one, but they are all good. I don't like the regular refresher, the pineapple one, but I like the pineapple passion fruit frozen one. They're all quite tasty, and I'm just curious have you guys tried them yet? Are any of my friends and Ki's Starbucks junkies like me because it's a serious situation. It's a cult. I've said it before. It's a cult, and I'm not ashamed.
And I need.
Starbucks to understand the level of loyalty and dedication that I have to them, and they need to sponsor Handy my Purse the podcast all the day of money I give them. Shoot, somebody needs to less Starbucks know that they need to sponsor Handy my Purse the podcast.
Tell them to bring me my money.
Yeah that's right, So let's go ahead and get this porty story. Oh yeah, So, friends and Ken four this week's cham I I went to a song by a group that I absolutely adore. The name of this group is Moonchild, and the song is called the List. And I chose this song because as I sat in Starbucks working on the prep and research for my episode, I was actually listening to my Moonchild playlist and I was like, this is gonna be my jam for this week because this is by far my favorite song by them. Moonchild is a band from southern California and they are just so soulful without feeling like it's culture vulturing and the music feels good. It feels like it makes sense in my soul, and that's how I know that the music is right, or how I know it's good. I like them because all the members are extremely talented and apparently a lot of folks know about them, which makes me happy because they deserve to be known because their music is amazing. If you are new over here in the realm, and by the realm, I mean here at hand me my purse, this is how you know that I am a big fan of a Game.
Of Thrones also other stuff.
But if you're new here in the room, let me tell you that I'm a big time music lover.
Okay.
I understand that some of you did not go back and listen to the catalog to understand and know all these things about me. But I love music and I know music is good when it feels good to my soul, and every song that I've heard of Moonchild's feels good. This song is from their album that was released in twenty seventeen. It's called Voyager, and in addition to the link to the video for the song, I'm gonna put a link to their Tiny Desk concert with NPR. It was really dope, and I just love their music. And you know how I know there are good people because I read this I'm about to read Gene, and that completely confirmed it for me. It said during the twenty nineteen Little Ghost US tour, the band used their platform to promote local charities in each city that they played in. That is amazing. That is really amazing, because they don't have to do that. Nope, they did not have to do that. And let me just say that it was a little hard for me after my grandmother passed away to listen to this song because when I found that, when I found this song, or when this song found me, my grandmother was in.
I want to say, she was.
In the hospital and I would go there almost every evening after work, and I would listen. When I like a song, and when I go hard for a song, like I'm addicted to it, and so I will listen to it and repeat over and over and over.
We're in in a day.
I could listen to the song like twenty to thirty times a day, just in my car, and so I would listen to it. And I remember leaving the hospital every night and listening to this song. And so sometimes when I listen to it. It makes me think of those nights and that I would those nights when I would leave the hospital from visiting her. But it's not a bad thing at all. It doesn't make me sad, but it you know, it made me stop and think like, uh oh, but it's not a bad thing at all. The song is let's talk about the actual song. The song is a perfect song to describe the narrative of being in an awkward situationship or a frustration ship. Yep, that's what it is. It's a frustration ship. I made that up and it's amazing.
Anyway.
It's a great description for when you're dealing with someone and they like to play goddamn reindeer games with you, when you really really like someone and they play hot, they play cold, They're in and out of your life.
It's really silly as hell.
They pop up, they pop in, they pop out, and completely just fundamentally displaying asshole behavior, but for some reason, you're still out here hoping that they'll come around. I'm going to read some of my favorite lines of the song for you now. I hate that I can't tell you left guessing if you'll ever know, and trying not to let it show my games, just to let you go.
I hate that you don't want.
To and I'm still so sweet as if Mad James with your video me.
I know your I.
Don't know all of your favorite shit. When you were talking, I was listening. Yet I still can't win. I hate that you don't call me. I'd like to think that we're still cool, and now I'm feeling like a fool every time it rings.
I hope as you listen. I've been there many many times. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, I have, I have, and.
This song really makes me think of this guy that we're not gonna go there, know we not? I love At the end of this song, she says, I just want to be free. I just want to be free, and she just says it over and over again. I know what it's like for a dude to have that kind of hold on you and you like, I just want to get out of this. I want this off of me. Listen, I know all about that shit, and I've been that kind of complete fool before, many many many times. And you look up and you don't forgot who the fuck you are and forgotten your value and then that moment comes. The moment comes when you just remember, wait a fucking minute, I'm me me, I ain't even about to.
Let this shit go on any further.
And then I just pretend like Keendan never was born and like he has never ever ever existed.
That's it's just that easy for me. But it wasn't always that easy.
I have had to condition myself and really like do some healing work to be able to detach. Detachment is key.
It's really the root.
Work that can save your heart from a lot of disappointment. So learn how to flex that muscle. Today, friends and Kim, we're going to talk about something that has our culture in a choke hold.
No, I am not talking about salmon sidebar just one second. I digress.
Do y'all ever see on missy Elliott's Internet how black people just do all kind of ridiculous, unnecessary shit to salmon. I don't understand. And I've had conversations about it with my friend Susie and we laugh about it all the time, But I just don't understand why it's happening. I saw somebody braid some salmon, y'all like, and I don't understand why. But that's just taking this shit too far, braiding it, like seriously stuffing it with crab and shrimp and stuffing it with shrimp and salmon. Okay, I get that, But why are we braiding fish?
Like why.
Like it's just egregious, friends, Like it's just too much and we just need to chill out on the salmon. And this is just a real black psa. This is a black folks psa. Chill out on the salmon. Okay, chill out on the salmon because that fish didn't deserve that. Okay, Anyway, I digress.
Let's move forward. So today I'm talking about the.
Way some people take pride and being petty that is a you know, that's a hot word in our community, and just being petty in general. You know. Don't get me wrong, I naturally, as a human being, have my moments where I desire to be an asshole, and that's just how I am, That's just why I'm made up as But as I've gotten older, those desires have definitely lessened. I think that comes with healing, working on myself and wanting to be the best version of me possible and you know, starting to find value in who I am and focused, being focused.
On me and my shit. I don't have time to be an asshole as much.
And I think also it's because it's pointless, you know what I mean, Like, it's really pointless. Let me just say this at the top of this conversation so there's no confusion. When I say you, I'm talking to me. I'm talking to you, you, you, you, you in the back and anybody else that it is for and that is for any and all of us who need to stop being petty. So to get it, get this porty storeded, let's examine what being petty is, shall we? Oh?
Yeah.
Now, as I did my research and.
Started reading about what the word petty means, I came across a lot of technical definitions that you know, still makes sense for the I mean, it all makes sense because the you know slang some for the most part, is not that far off from the actual definition number words. So first time, I give y'all a few actual definitions per few of the Queen's dictionaries. So we have petty of little importance, trivial, petty, paltry. I think that word is paltry, trifling.
I love that word.
I've loved it since I was a child, trivial and applying to something that is so insignificant as to be almost unworthy of notice. Okay, petty, not important and not worth giving attention to. Now, let's just let this sit for one second, being petty or unkind, because let's just keep it a buck.
It really is just at its.
Base being unkind if we're keeping it real is focusing on and engaging in trivial, small minded, and oftentimes vindictive behavior in response to what people may see as a slight or an offense or somebody being shady toward them. People spend a lot of their time focusing on in significant details, seeking revenge or satisfaction through passive aggressive behaviors or microaggressions, not talking about racial microaggressions, and often disregarding the bigger picture or the potential impact of their behavior. Pettiness is basically a reflection of an overly sensitive or defensive attitude, and it often escalates the conflict unnecessarily.
And once again, for what, what is the point of being this way? What is it rooted in? You know, like, what's at the root of it?
Because you know, I'm always here for that, I'm always here for getting to the root of something, or as old Black people say, the root. Let's get to the root of this. What drives these behaviors. At the root of being petty, there are underlying emotions such as insecurity, go get your pen, I'm away for you. Okay, I'll be went and got you a pen and paused that because I waited for you. I did now, like I was saying, At the root of being petty, or underlying emotions such as insecurity, resentment, or a desire for control.
M ooh whatso other stuff? Wait, there's more.
Pettiness often stems from a sense of personal inadequacy or a need to assert dominance or superiority. Okay, so in some people, and I see this a lot, it can come from a fear of being taken advantage of. And in our community this is a heavy thing in my work and with the kids.
I see it so much.
That whole mentality around I ain't about to let them disrespect me or the whole I ain't no punk or I ain't no bitch, that whole mentality. When the truth of the matter is, if someone thinks you're a punk bitch, so what.
Are you a punk bitch?
Is what they say the law, are they in control of your mind, body, and soul? Like, let's think about that.
Now.
Don't get me wrong, I get it, Like like I'm from the hood, I get it, Like, you can't have people thinking that you are you know, you can just be easily walked over or taken advantage of.
I get that.
But realistically, if the person is not causing you any harm or acting crazy, threatening you, Like, what's the point if you're in danger, being petty ain't the damn answer protecting yourself is.
So that's a whole different story. You get what I'm saying.
But I would like to think that y'all have enough damn sense to know that if you are in danger what you need to do.
Y'all ain't kids. When the kids act out like that, Like I get it, but like we ain't kids.
Ain't no kids listening to this podcast, And if they are, they need to turn it off right now because this is not for children. I'm hoping that you guys have enough good sense to make good logical choices.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
However, if there's no eminent danger, no harm, no heavy conflict, Realistically, friends in Kim why do you care why it happen? Why are you so caught up in with someone else who probably doesn't even fucking matter thinks about you? Get it together, Like, seriously, you are not here on this planet to live your life focused on being who or what or who knew what someone else expects you to be. Focus on who you want to be?
How about that?
How about we focus on who you want to be, what you want to be, what you dream of becoming, what you want your life to look like, and hopefully that will be someone who is kind, thoughtful, empathetic, authentic. How about that authentic and someone who loves themselves enough not to get down to the levels of a snail's.
Belly, stick to the game plan.
Okay, being patty or passively yet aggressively vengeful, because that's what the hell it is.
Let's just keep it. A buck can also be fueled.
By unresolved conflicts or a lack of effective communication skills, And some of y'all can't have an effective conversation to save your goddamn Afraid to have conversations with people who you are in conflict with, Afraid to have conversations with people that you really like, afraid to have people conversations with people who make more money than you, afraid to have conversations with people who have more.
Status than you. Why all you got to do is have the conversation.
Telling people how you feel about how they may have treated you or how they may have made you feel. It's okay to do that. It is difficult sometimes, yes it is. It ain't a secret, but guess what you gotta do it It's necessary. Shit ain't gonna always be easy. Life don't work that way.
Come on, now, we know that.
I would like to say that ninety eight percent of the people listening to this podcast know that life ain't easy. Life and me ain't been no crystal stat I think you know. We know that put your big grown up draws on and have the conversations that you need to have to avoid you stepping outside of who you are, to avoid you coming out of character and becoming like petty, unkind and nasty, like that shit is old.
We not on that no more. We own some healing shit. Were trying to get.
Better and usually it goes back to a lack of understanding, or it'll show you how you need to move forward.
With the person. Once you have the conversation.
Another thing it shows is that another thing that being petty shows to me, this is this is this is you know what I see and what I think of levels of immaturity.
Check yourself. Grow the fuck up.
Someone is out here and they control you that much that you want to act like a teenager. Please check yourself and grow up. Please, it's crazy, and you end up looking like a fool all to get back at somebody and not even like a real g like let's just let's just be real about that, Like you just want to do little like petty stuff like you're doing it from a place of being scared, and you end up looking you end up looking like a punk bitch really, and nobody should ever have that kind of control over you.
Ever.
You gotta do some work, babe. It's some work to be done on you. It's some work to be done for you, it's some work to be done with you.
Like really, it's got some soul searching to.
Tap into whatever that is and stop focusing on somebody else's shit or what somebody else does or how somebody else moves and worry about you. Being petty also can really affect in a negative way the relationships in your life, and I mean any relationship. Like I said at the top of the show, all relationships are like romantic relationships or your romantic relationships.
Or you know whatever. Should not be.
Like the end all be all for your life other relationships with people. You need to be able to have other relationships with people and coexist. It is very disturbing to me when people get in relationships adults, because teenagers, I expect this. When adults get into relationships and they can't maintain the other relationships in their life, like they forget about everybody else, or they move funny with everybody else in their life because they're in a relationship with somebody.
Grow up.
Come on, now, you don't know how to be in a loving romantic relationship when one person and still have a relationship with your daughter or your niece, or your uncle or your aunt or your granddaughter or your grandfather, or your hairdresser or your nail tech or you know, your coworkers. You got to figure that out, like we gotta do some healing. And let me say this before I digress. I'm sorry, but let me say this. If you are around people who are like this, sometimes it's hard to have that conversation too. But if we care about people, we hold them accountable, and sometimes sometimes they we don't care enough, you know, or maybe we say like that ain't got nothing to do with me, because I know I'm quick to say that that ain't got nothing to do with me.
But sometimes like it's aggressive, I'm sorry, stick to the game plan. Let me get back to what I was talking about.
So, as I was saying, it's not just your romantic relationships, any relationship, it's about the connectivity that you have with anyone. So some of the negative effects of being petty are one strained relationships. Petty or unkind behavior can strain relationships with friends, family, or colleagues. It creates a hostile or negative environment that erodes trust and may lead to conflicts or even break down the relationship to a negative reputation. We can all say that we don't care about what people think about us, but the truth of the matter is that we should care somewhat about how we looking in these streets. Not necessarily about how a certain person or a certain group of people see us, but we should care about how we are presenting ourselves out here in these streets. Continuously displaying pettiness or unkindness can harm your reputation because others may start to perceive you as mean, spirited, selfish, or lacking empathy, which can lead to social isolation or difficulty forming new relationships.
I know y'all see this at word listen.
I see it at work. I see it in families. I see it in friendship circles. Like you out here act the mean and funky all the time, Like.
Don't nobody want to fucking be around you?
Don't nobody want to be around you if all you do is mean shit all the time, and you selfish, and you don't have empathy for other people.
We off that were trying to heal. We got other shit to do. Three.
Emotional distress. Engaging in petty or unkind behavior can negatively impact your emotional well being. It often results in feelings of guilt, regret, or shame, which can contribute to stress, anxiety, or even depression. Now, some of y'all out here, y'all don't give a shit. Y'all just being nasty, and y'all don't care, y'all, it's just it comes natural to y'all. But after a while, like it should affect you a little bit. You should be like, damn, I shouldn't have said that.
I know.
I check myself like that. My friends will tell you real quick. I do it in group chats, I do it in front of each other on the phone. I'll be like, I shouldn't have said that. Shit, that was out of control. And sometimes now I'll catch myself before I even say it. I'll be like, don't do that. Mean me, don't say that, don't say it, And in my head, I'll say, God, forgive me for thinking that.
Another thing is you miss out on opportunities.
Being petty or unkind can cause you to miss out on opportunities, for one, personal growth, collaborations with other people. That goes back to forming new relationships or advancement, especially at work, but even in your personal life, because you know that goes back to that reputation thing. If I know that you are nasty, I'm not going to tell somebody if an opportunity comes up, oh yeah, you want to work with him because he's great and he could be great at what he does, But I'm gonna think he nasty. He got a nasty attitude, He petty, vengeful, mean, spirited.
Naw, I'm gonna just say, I don't know nobody.
People are definitely more likely to avoid working with you or associating with people who exhibit behaviors that are unkind, and that limits your chances for professional and personal success.
Like I said.
Five, and the last one, escalation of conflict. We already know how this goes, because you know, in our community, we likes to scrap. We already in our community there's already an issue around communication, effective efficient, healthy communication. So being mean, being patty, being unkind, like, that's going to cause somebody Like some people don't know how to respond to that. Their response is, oh, okay, you want to do that, that's how you want to play.
I got you.
And it's always somebody out there that's meaner than you, or more petty than you, or more unkind than you.
I've seen this with adults.
I've seen this with adults at my job, and we work with kids. People be mean, nasty, unkind. I love the word unkind. I'm gonna keep saying it because the reality is when you are petty, you are being unkind, unkind nasty behavior. And then when somebody turns around and they hit them with a two piece and a biscuit, not a literal one, but I mean an emotional two.
Piece in a biscuit.
Or they're mean er or more petty, or more unkind, or more shady or more nasty than they and they feelings hold up, son, How you mad?
How you mad?
When you did it? You did it first. I just did it better than you. You did it first. They just trumped you. You can't do that. You too wrong for that.
You can't, you cannot. You can't be a bully and of victim at the same time. That is one of my favorite quotes ever. I have no idea where I heard it from. I think I made it up. I'm pretty sure I did, but maybe I didn't.
I don't know.
But either way, escalation of conflict, petty or uncon behavior tends to escalate conflicts rather than resolve them. It can perpetuate a cycle of retaliation and create a toxic atmosphere where productive communication and problem solving become challenging. Never really thought about that, think about all the conflict, Like as I was just saying that, I was thinking about like because I grew up in content, I was thinking about like gang violence at the root of it. A lot of the shit is from because of petty shit. It's because of petty stuff. Family members not talking because of petty shit. Relationships dissolving, people breaking up, people who enjoy being in relationships with people. And now I am talking about romantic relationships, enjoy being around the person, they love the person, or you know.
Marriages, divorces all because somebody.
I could think of one right now, if you want to be honest, But I ain't saying that because that ain't none of my business. Marriage is breaking up because somebody wanted to be petty. Oh I'm gonna show him. Oh I'm gonna show her for what? And now you out here miserable, looking stupid. And if we're gonna be honest, because that's what I like to do here at hand and my purse. The podcast Being petty is really a reflection of one's own emotional and psychological state, where small matters are blown out of proportion in an attempt to compensate or overcompensate for some deeper underlying shit you got going on. So you say, how do we start to combat this meme?
What do we do? And I say we because, like I said, let me keep it a buck.
Sometimes I can be patty without even a second thought. I got I'm a librerizing I'm a Scorpio moon. That scorpio moon is vengeful, but that libra stops me from being ultra petty. Okay, cheering into astrology ain't gonna make no sense. And I'm gonna be honest and say it comes from a place of being unkind.
Sometimes you know, I'm moody. I'm really moody.
Told you I got that scorpio moon. I'm really moody other stuff. And sometimes like it's like, let me alone. Okay, you don't want let me alone. I'm gonna show you why you should leave me alone, especially if I don't like you. But you know, let's thank the Lord because I've been working on me. And let's thank my therapist. You know, she's a She has prepared me for greatness in the way of mental, emotional, and psychological well being. Nowadays, I don't care as much as I used to. However, I do get a good petty flashback sometimes, friends and can here are three suggestions that I'm gonna give you, or ways that we I'm gonna say we because you know we in this together.
We is together.
Ways that we can work on cutting down our pettiness. When you feel that petty betty or petty teddy muscle flexing and you know that you are about to do something out of control or get out of pocket, I want you to stop yourself in your tracks, take three deep breaths, and focus your intention and attention.
On these three things. Okay.
The first one is self reflection and awareness. Take the time to reflect on your own emotions and your own reactions. Identify the situations where you tend to exhibit that petty behavior, and try to understand the underlying triggers or insecurities that contribute to it. Developing more self awareness can help you recognize when you're being petty or unkind and allow you to choose a more constructive response versus just being a flat out asshole for no reason. Two, choose empathy and perspective. Listen, being empathetic will really really help you navigate life better. I'm telling you what is empathy? Look it up, EmPATH wive, you don't know what empathy is, look it up. Practice putting yourself in the shoes of other people and considering their point of view.
There I told you what it is.
Empathy can help you to understand the motivations behind and other people's actions and reduce your need to engage in petty behavior. Remember, there's often a bigger picture beyond the media issue, and focusing on the greater good can help you rise above that petty, unkind behavior. I've said it before, I'm gonna say it again. Anger is a secondary emotion. The first emotion.
Is what's really going on.
Anger is because you sit in that first emotion and you get upset for whatever the case may be. You get upset because I can't believe they did that to me. So oftentimes we are sad, we are shocked, we are concerned, we are disappointed. That disappointment, boy, that disappointment will fuck you up. Disappointment will have you in a what that's a toad night, Yes, it will, in the middle of it.
Looking around like, man, how did I get here? Man?
Why would they do that to me? That ain't got nothing to do with you. Just focus on the better things. Focus on how you can get out of the tornado. Lastly, as I mentioned earlier, effective communication and conflict resolution. Improve your communication skills, learn how to have a conversation like an adult. Improve those skills so that you can learn how to address conflicts in a mature and constructive manner instead of resorting to petty behavior. Express your concerns or your frustrations calmly and assertively. You don't have to be ra la la la la la law. You don't have to be all ra rat all the time. You don't take some deep breaths, write down what you want to say. I used to do that so much when I was younger. I don't have to do it anymore, thank God. Write down what you need to say so you don't forget, and just remember. Talk to people how you want people to talk to you. You don't need to be aggressive, because I can promise you if you are aggressive, they not even what you're saying. They in their mind they think, and I know, I know this person is not yelling at me. You need to seek some compromise, find some common ground, and try to find a solution that benefits all parties involved, because it ain't just about you winning. It's about the other person winning too. Win together, or decide we can't win, turn around, walk away and just leave it where it is. Learning to communicate effectively and efficiently can help prevent petty behaviors from escalating, and it can help you to develop, foster and cultivate healthier relationships. Changing really deeply rooted patterns and belief systems, especially those around maintaining pride and those that are centered around your ego take time and effort. It's not gonna happen overnight. So please extend some grace to yourself. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, and be gentle with yourself as you do the work that you need to do to be.
The best version of you. Because isn't that really what we focused on?
Like, if we were all really just focused on being the best version of us, we wouldn't really have time to focus on what other people got going on.
Isn't that what we all want?
To be the absolute best version of ourselves that we can possibly be. The answer should always be yes. It ain't even nothing to think about. It should always be yes. And if it's not, you need some serious help, babe. You got to get some help, and you should get the help that you need. Post taste, let me say this real quick and then I would be done with this. People who are constantly in a state of being petty are usually surrounded by people that operate from that lens as well. My grandmother would always say, misery loves company, and that ain't a lie, that's the truth. The healing work that you do is necessary to heal that broken space in you, that space that has you focused on being so unkind, so nasty, so mean, so petty all the time. Being that way all the time definitely makes you look pretty fucking miserable. And nobody wants to be around that kind of ichy ass energy all the time. We out here trying to frolic. I love that thing on the internet where black men are frolicking through the streets. I love that sidebar. Yeah, sorry, I digress. Nobody wants to be around that. You know who want to be around it?
Other people who are miserable and iky. I'm gonna bring that word back, not that it ever left ikey.
One day, child, you're gonna look up and realize that ain't nobody around you but a bunch of other miserable ass people. And you know how you know that you're in that space because people who used to want to be around you, or people who have good energy and glow. And you know, when somebody got good energy, they don't want to be around you, and if they are around you, they ain't staying for long. Energy is transferable, and as somebody who I think that I got some good energy. If I go somewhere and somebody got some nasty energy, I got to move. I don't want that toxic shit on me.
Ill.
So we all need to do the work to be better. You deserve to be better. You deserve all the good things. You are worth it.
You are worth being the best version of you. You deserve to be whole, healthy, happy, and not in tatter pieces.
All the time. I love you. I'm done with that. I'm done. I love y'all with some respect on my name.
All right, so, friends, a can for the straight facts question for today. We have our question coming from Sunnyvale, California, and the question is how can you continue your journey of self healing or even begin your journey of self healing when not all of your family is on board with your journey and where you're trying to go? Chill, honichall information. I fundamentally understand what this looks like, what it feels like, and the emotional, the mental and emotional toll that it can have on you, especially if you come from a family that is very close. So at the end of the day, it comes down to it boils down to this. If you don't take care of you, who else will take care of you? And sometimes you have to stop and think, like, if people don't want me to be my best self, then what is it that they want. People are become so comfortable with who we are, right, it's what they know. It's not a negative thing or a malicious thing. They're just used to us being a certain way. And when you start to change, even if it's a change for the better, sometimes people don't see it as a change for the better at first. But that's why it's your job to get them to a place where they understand. One, I'm doing this for me because I want to be better, and I'm not going to stop doing it just because you are not pleased with what I'm doing. You also have to check yourself because sometimes when you are in a healing process and you start to realize certain things about yourself, certain things about the people around you, Like sometimes it evokes different moods. Okay, it can evoke a mood of or an energy where you become angry, you become disappointed in yourself and the people around you. Sometimes issues of trust can arise, and that is why it is really important for you to have a really good therapist that you really trust and that you can be really vulnerable with and open and honest about your feelings and about your past and about your family, about like your thoughts, because the only way to get to a place of true healing is by being authentic and honest about who you are, what you're coming with, and where you're coming from. The one thing I would say is that you have to do a self evaluation of what is the most important thing, what's the priority?
The priority?
Excuse me, if the priority is for you to heal your own broken spaces, then you just got to put your helmet on and put your.
Big girl draws on and pump. They gonna fall in line.
Eventually they will and it might hurt and it might suck, and it might be uncomfortable for them and for you, but good shit, getting a good shit sometimes is uncomfortable, and so you just gotta be ready to go in for the long haul. Because I promise you I can tell you this because I know from experience. On the other side, it's so much joy, but it can get ugly at first. And I've seen it happen to other people. I've seen it happen to my friends with their families. I've experienced it. It happens. I've seen it within my family with other family members when they're trying to get themselves together and be the best version of themselves. Because people know you as whatever version they know you as, and it's comfortable. People don't like change, so when you change, it's like, oh shit, what's going on? Like you know when the washing machine be like it's throwing them off. And I think it's okay to talk to them about it. I'm not saying you need to tell them everything, because it's none of their business, but I think you need to just let them know, like, look, I'm working on me. I'm trying to be a better version of myself. And whenever you edit something like you go through a process. But at the end of the day, what you need to understand is, like this shit is about you. You cannot be worried about how other people are going to react to you being the best version of yourself. They either going to fall in line or they're gonna fall off. And that's really it, and that is coming from Alana. Thank you, Alana for such an insightful question. I hope that that was helpful and good luck. And if you look in my show notes, I don't know if you have a therapist, but every week, you know, some people don't read the show notes. I know you don't, but in the show notes every week I put the jam. There's certain things you're going to find in the show notes. You're going to find the jam for the week or for the episode. You're going to find how to find you on all of social media. You're going to find where to listen to my show. And you're also you're going to find a link to Psychology Today, which is a website where you can find a therapist. It's where I found my therapist. I went to Psychology Today. I put in my zip code and I started to do my vetting process and I started looking and searching and talking to a friend of mine who is a therapist, like, oh, do you know this person?
Do you know this person? And just you know I did.
It was a vetting process that I went through, and only God knows how grateful I am for going through that process because I came out with a winner Winter Chicken dinner. So if you look at my show notes, and this is not just for you, Alana, this for anybody who listened to the show who is thinking, you know what, I need a therapist, all you gotta do is go to my show notes and you'll see there's a link and I think it says find a therapist. Click on that link and start the process. Nothing is holding you back. Figure it out, because what are you waiting for? Ye friends in can Today's we Got to Do Better is from a book that I absolutely love and it is written by I'm gonna.
Tell you her name.
Her name on social media is the slum Flower. It's a pretty dope name.
And her.
Actual name is Chadera Egaru. She's British and she's kind of she's coolest, She's coolest shit and I have been a fan of hers for years, I think before I even I don't even know how I found her. She actually has a podcast and it's called let me tell you what it's called hold on for one second, Okay, it's called the slum Flower Hour, and she has written two books. She has accompanying work books for I know her first book. I don't know if she has an accompanying workbook for her second book. But the book that I'm going to be reading from is called What a Time to Be Alone? The slum Flowers Guide to Why You Are Already Enough. Let me tell you something about this book.
Oh, it's good. It is so good. It is so good. It's good, it's.
Colorful, and it's my favorite kind of book, the kind of book where I can put it down, pick it up, flip the pages, stop where I want, and just read something that I can take away. And so what I'm going to read today, you should definitely check her out. I will put in the show notes.
Let me just make a note here. I'm gonna put in the show notes links to her. I'm going to put a link to her podcast.
It might be a lot for some people because I mean, like I do a lot of cussing, but she talks about some stuff that you may not be ready to hear. But she has a podcast, and she has books, and she has an Instagram and her Instagram that she does a lot of like snippets of her podcast. And I really think that she does a lot I don't want to say she does a lot of male bashing, but she.
Kind of does.
But it's really just about women, like centering the conversation around women.
Women. Excuse me, I said women. What the hell is a women? I am tired?
Oh gosh, sorry, guys, about women centering the conversation around they're being better for themselves and that they are enough and that they don't necessarily need men to be great.
Just check her out.
I'll put everything in the show notes. So anyway, let me read to you everything meant for you is either here or on its way. Life reaches a point where it suddenly becomes crazy difficult for literally no reason. You start losing everything, friends, opportunities, travel cards, the whole lot. You find yourself in a pit of despair hanging up the decorations and sorting the invites for the why me themed pity party you are about to throw yourself. Carrying a victim mentality is very addictive. But we need to always remind ourselves that our blessings can never get lost on the way. Anything meant for us will work out, will stay, will make sense, regardless of what is happening around us. Missed out on an opportunity. If it was meant for you, it would have either worked out or realigned itself somehow. No sweat lost out on a friendship or relationship. If it was meant for the person you need to be, it would have worked out.
No sweat.
Life really doesn't require the amount of stress we exert on it most of the time. Learning to accept that everything is where it needs to be will give you the peace and clarity that you need to focus on what really matters yourself. If you feel like you're trying too hard, especially with people, guess what you probably are. What's real cannot be forced.
Again.
The name of the book is what a Time to be Alone? Make sure that that is correct for you. Yes, what a Time to be Alone? The slum Flower's Guide to Why You Are Already Enough by Chadara Egaru and it will be linked in the show notes.
The first thing that I want to say is thank you.
I want to thank God first and foremost because God is supreme and I fundamentally recognize and appreciate the grace and mercy that God extends me every single day of my black ass existence. I want to say thank you to my people. I want to say Thank you to each and every one of you that's been rocking with me since day one, ever since March the first of twenty twenty. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I truly, truly, truly appreciate you for being here because you ain't got to be here, and I understand that. And even if you just started listening today or you just started listening last month, I thank you for that as well. I'm grateful both ways. I'm happy about it. I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my friends, my friends and kN all of my supporters, and of course, most importantly, every single one of you that are listening to me right now. I love you, guys so much, and it is nothing short of an honor and a privilege for me to share my time, my energy, my voice, my thoughts, my words with you, especially if you keep coming back to spend time with me over and over and over again, like if you keep coming back to listen like you my people, and I look forward to the next time that we get to do this again. Now, before you exit out of whatever streaming service you're using to listen to this, stop what you're doing. And if you haven't already done so look for the subscriber follow button, click on it if that's an option on the streaming service where you're listening, and then I want you to go over to Instagram and follow me at hand Me My Purse Underscore Podcast. Also follow me on Twitter at HMMP Underscore Podcasts, and on Facebook just search hand Me My Purse podcast. If you're listening on a streaming service or streaming medium that allows you to do so, please rate and review the show or give it a thumbs up if you can. Realistically, guys, it takes all of two minutes. I just rated and reviewed somebody's show the other day. It doesn't take long. Two minutes max. You don't have to write a dissertation unless you really feel like you need to, but it takes two minutes. Go review the show if you like it, please and actually, let me just tell you what happened. I got my first negative review. Oh my god. Uh, I ain't gonna tell you how.
I was like, oh my god, why would they say that? It's all good though, I'm not gonna give it no more thoughts. I'm not gonna read it. I'm not gonna say what it said. But you know, hit dogs holla.
I'll just say that friends and can be sure to share hand Me My Purse with your friends, your loved ones, and even your enemies, because is the best way for people to find out about this show is by you guys telling them all about it. So tell a friend to tell a friend to tell a friend. Please submit your questions for the straight Facts segment two hello at Handymipurse dot com with the subject line straight Facts, or feel free to send me a DM on Instagram or Twitter. Who knows your question may be featured on an upcoming show. Also remember that show notes are always available in the episode description wherever you're listening to the show, and please go look at the show notes because that's where I put all of the links that I talk about in the show, and sometimes other information that I just want you to check out. Okay, So I also want you to know that the music for Handing My Purse is provided by none other than West Baltimore's own Gloomy Tunes. I want to give a big old shout out to Rando Banjo in the Dirty Throats and I look forward to you looking forward to listening to hand Me My Purse the podcast each and every Tuesday and I'm out this bitch.
Peace.
Hand Me my Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts. For more shows from iHeart Podcasts, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
