This is Teddy Teapod. Hi, guys, welcome to this week's Teddy Teapod. I am so excited to be co hosting with my friend Lourie Harder. She is incredible. She's number one best selling author of a book called Tribe called Bliss Amazing by It, and she has a podcast called Earn You're Happy, and I was. I met her a couple of years ago, and then I started following her on social and I'm the kind of person that, like, I start following somebody on social and if they do something that bugs me, I like, I can't do it. But Laurie is that person where I just want more. So I invited her to do a call with my all in coaches because we do these learning calls, and honestly, every single one of us was blown away. You filled our tank and I am so grateful to have you on. Oh my god, well, thank you so much. I feel the exact same way when I was talking ak following you, um, and then I got to have you on my podcast, and it's just I think the coolest thing is number one podcasting and actually getting to know the people that you follow or that you know look up too better, and it's like an hour with somebody can be life changing if you ask the right question. So I love being able to chat with you and have you on my podcast. That was totally amazing to get to know you better, and you are like you are so layered, like you. Thank you. I I think if people just which by the way, I think you're everybody's favorite on everything that you're on. But with that said, I think that when people really get to know you, it's not just like refreshing, but it is it's like a really amazing connection because you're so real. Thank you so much, and you know, while talking about real, let's get into my my crap, um, let's do it. Um. I really wanted to lean into hope and optimism this episode because this, you know, this past year or has been so many you know, punches to everybody, and so there's been so much negativity and then there's also been so many like changes and I know, even for myself when it comes to my my kids in my life, I know that I have gone through some struggles this year or we have you know, we had a dog passed away, my daughter amputated her finger. Now I have another daughter who's going to need neurosurgery, and I just feel like right as I'm about Like, I remember a couple of days before I was diagnosed, I said to my girlfriends we were on like one of these groups Zooms, and I said, Guys, I finally feel like the black cloud has been lifted. I'm like, I'm appreciating the pen like I'm appreciating this hometime with my family because um, my daughter's finger is better, and like she's able to do the thing she wants to do, and I'm just finally feeling good. And then honestly, three days later it happened with Dove and I like just hit a wall and like I crumbled and I was like that for you know, over a week where I just was not able to see the positive side of anything, and you know, I was trying to kind of fake it for my family and for you know, just I've got to work. I've got to keep going one ft in front of the other. So you know, I think, and I know You've gone through a lot of things too, Laurie this year, and I feel like the more people I talked to, so many people are going through it. So it's just like hope, optimism, is so key right now. Oh my god, well, I I feel so much of that for you. And also, um, you know, so many of the people that I know are going through things as well. And my dog passed away in January, um of thirteen and a half years. So we lost our dog and we were like, Okay, this is already off to a great start. And then the pandemic happened, and then we had, you know a lot of the just the things that are happening in the world, and we had a lot of writing actually happening right on our block. Um, so that was something that felt very very close, which it feels close for everybody right now. And then my father in law passed away, who is one of my husband's best friends. It kind of just all happened at once, and you know, I think something to kind of summarize some of the things that have helped, and I know that we'll dive into that, but it was literally the day before my father in law passed and we were really in a place of uncertainty just with what we should do around canceling large events or replanning large events, what we should do with our business, what we should do just with the direction of our life and how we could also help with what was going on, what our role was, and what our part was. Like I think we were all feeling that just totally lost, totally stripped of, like the path that we thought that we were once on and the planning, in the scheduling. And the day before my father in law passed, I was on and walk with my husband Chris, and I said, you know, even though we feel this way and crazy and uncertain, today could actually be as good as it gets, Like this could be the top of maybe our life, and we need to be really appreciative. And we just had this moment of Wow, this could be as good as it gets. And then my father in law passed the next day and it was that moment of oh my god, we need to really realize that today, even though it's the craziest day, it could be as good as it gets today. Not saying that there's not hope, but realizing that hope and gratitude are intertwined. They go hand in hand, and it's really, you know, hope for me as an active contract with God. It's an active it's faith in action. It's what happens when you believe that there is something better and you can create it and that you have access to it. I think that's so huge And I got emotional just seeing your face talking about this because I just feel like right now we're all in that place where we want to wake up and feel like we have that hope every single day and we and when it's not there or with the gratitude is not there, then you start almost feeling guilty, and you know, we just get into these patterns. You know, there was one just to kind of start off the episode. There was one day where I was really feeling low and I I texted out to the to my all in girls and just said, can all of you guys tell me what hope means to you? And I just want to read through some of these because I feel like some of these are going to resonate with those of you know, those of you listening in one way or another. So hope to me means waking up and believing that you are all going to be okay, that God only gives us what we can handle, and that truly the best is yet to come. Hope for me is the universal promise that there's always something beautiful to look forward to. Hope for me is having positive state of mind that focuses on wanting to be better for myself and for others. Hope for me is always being optimistic, thinking of the best case versus the worst case scenario, and knowing if things are hard that they will always get better. Hope equates to grit and strength. For me, hope means accepting that perfection doesn't exist and that forward is the pace I need, not anything more. Even on those tough days, I know that I have the power to push through with the support of an amazing community. So as I say that about an amazing community, I wanted to kind of lean into you with this right now, when everything there's so much conflict happening in the world, how do you think we build collective hope? Is there such thing? You know? I have been sitting in this question for a while, and I want to say that when everything kind of crumbled, when my father in law passed and we went home to Wisconsin, UM and stayed in our famili's home like six people under one small roof, UM, I gave myself the grace first of all to like feel everything and to cancel things, and to lean on people and I think that that's important to know that you're probably not going to feel like you are going to be able to take massive action and create some sort of collective hope among you know, all the people your life right away. And I think as a leader, sometimes you can be like, oh my god, what do I do? Like I don't know if you felt that way, but when this all started happening, I all I did was put more pressure on myself to be like, what what do I need to be sharing? What do I need to be telling people? And I think everyone's a leader in their life right whether it's to their friends or their family, or they run a community, or their uh, you know, have a business, whatever that is. And I think it's really important for us to step back to really think about what you actually need for yourself. And I think that it always starts with self, right and any any sort of being able to heal help create something move forward. You always have to just stop and listen into what you need in order to understand and tap into what your purpose and all of it is. Because it's very easy to go into some mass consciousness right now and be like she's doing this, he's doing this, they're doing this, I should do that, and it may not be actually how you are supposed to how in your life, in your community. And so I had to take a big step back because I couldn't even hear my own voice anymore. I was like drown out. I couldn't I wasn't feeling connected to God. I was feeling very like just alone, like alone in all of it. And I thought, Okay, you're not doing the things that you need to do to actually take care of yourself and connect back in to see what your role actually is in this. And I started to just kind of get the download for me that my role is to make sure that I'm taking care of myself and my family and my community, and then seeing in what way I can actually take action among my life right now, because it's really easy to think that you want to be like doing these big things, and it's almost like you feel helpless if you're not actually doing the thing that you should be doing. It's like we hear about all these different people who end up in careers that it's not the right career, and they're like, why is my life not working. It's the same exact thing. We all have a role in a different way that we need to be playing. So we need to like let go what we think we should be doing and just listening for just a little bit and take action on that. And I think that's how we're going to create connection, is all by listening to what we feel we should be doing first and letting the answers come. I fully agree. And you know, when I was really in it with the anxiety, I am such a like a go getter type personality where I'm on, I'm doing it, I'm taking taking action, and my anxiety was just through the roof to the point where, like I love to run, I couldn't run. I was like walking in slow motion, just like okay, for it is a pace, for it is a pace you can do this. And I called my um. I have a girlfriend who's a therapist, Dr. Valerie Sedone, who actually has amazing breathing exercises and et cetera. But I called her and I said, val I have never been more tired in my life. I do not know what's happening. All I want to do is sleep, But it doesn't feel like a depression sleep. It's something else. And I'm beating myself up about it because I don't understand I'm going to bed at a regular time, and she goes teddy. What you don't realize is when your anxiety is really high, you are exhausting yourself. You don't realize that. She's like, if your anxiety is to the point where your hands are shaking and you're not clear headed, your court is all everything shot. So if you feel like you need to sleep, sleep, And like the fact that she was able to say that to me, and the fact that like I could look at my husband and say, listen, this is what's happened. Like I had an answer and then I like took it away, and like, honestly there were two days where like every moment that the kids were happy, I was like, all right, I'm you know what, I'm napping, I'm taking I need this. And then I started to feel it lift a little bit and then started feeling parts of myself come back. But I think it's you know, it's important to ask those questions to somebody who who knows and and be able to listen and take the advice from somebody who's a professional um. But also when you when you have to pull away, like I have a group chat with all my girlfriends and you know, we all just talk about whatever it may be from day to day, and I wasn't responding, so they just kept saying are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? And finally I just said, hey, guys, I need to tap out the next couple of days. I love you all, and I'm not like spiraling out of control. I just I don't need this responsibility right now, and I don't want you guys to feel like you've done anything. I just need time for me. So I think just asking ourselves how am I really feeling and what do I need? God, I resonate with all of that so much, especially the like why am I so exhausted? Why am I so tired? And I think sometimes we can confuse worry for faith or worry for action, and right You're like, if I'm worrying, I feel better because it can be like an addiction. It's it's actually like that's that thing you know when you realize, like your battery on your phone continues to die and you're like, what's wrong with my phone? It's brand new, and your husband grabs it and he's like, you have twenty seven windows running in the background. Right, Oh, that's right. If I just close out of those like, maybe I can actually get back to self. And that's been huge for me. Like what am I thinking that I need to worry about right now that is actually draining me from from doing what I could be doing or feeling. And sometimes, you know, even this last last month, like I had to give myself permission and reframe that sometimes life is just about like being and like not thinking about anything and just walking in nature and not even thinking you need to create a purpose or worry about someone or be there for someone. Like I literally had to allow myself to cut ties exactly like you just did, and write a few friends and say, hey, I'm not going to do our masterminds now. And I didn't do my podcast for a whole month. I've done it religiously for four years straight. I was like, I I literally cannot do it right now. I need to cut off like responsibility to what I think I need to be right now and figure that adds that extra you know, Like I have the same thing even about like with the the show that I'm on, you know, like I have a requirement to tweet and do these things, and I'm like, this feels so crazy because this is not where my mindset is at all. So I mean, I think we're all just torn in so many directions, and I know we have to take a break in a second. But one other thing I do want to talk about is like with things consistently changing, so like people will get this surge of hope and they're like, Wow, things are opening, restaurants are opening, this is happening. Life seems like it's starting to go a little bit more back to normal. And then especially for us out here, then all of a sudden, it's like, nope, really back in, We're closing this, we're doing that. You know. Uh, parks and and hikes were open. Now they're starting to like all those different things. So like, how do you start managing your expectations in the time of so many unknowns? Oh yeah, tell me when you figure it out. This is this really huge for me because um, you know, life may never it obviously isn't gonna be the same again, and we it may not be anything that we thought, but our beliefs are always going to be the thing that carry us through or give us hope. So what is your belief around what your future is going to look like. And for me, that means like instead of me thinking, wait, this is the future that I wanted, this is who I was going to be, this is what I was gonna do, instead of gripping onto that, I just I just read a Chinese proverb this morning on Instagram, So who knows what it is, but it said it said let go or be dragged. And to me that was so huge really thinking about what those things are that I thought I was gripping onto that could potentially change that. If I don't, if I'm not willing to be nimble and let go and shift, that it's just gonna drag me and it's not going to be a fun ride. So my belief around what the future is is that whatever I my expectation is, God has a better one. So to let go faster, not be dragged by my old expectation, but to know that if I let go and kind of free fall, it's like whatever is gonna happen is going to be better than what I was able to see. And I think that when we hold those beliefs of hey, I don't know best, that's what can always pull me through. Is like God, this is not what I expected. But if I've learned anything in my life, it's that on the other side of a long winter, where you see nothing, there's always something more beautiful than you could possibly imagine. Whether that's just the richness of who you're becoming or the richness of relationships deepening. Um. You know, there's been so many gifts with COVID, even though it's been one of the most challenging times of life. I really think that we're gonna look back at this time and and maybe view it as the year of the Gift or whatever that is, because there are things that we are recognizing, noticing, relationships that are deepening, things that are being stripped away from you that you thought you needed, that you just don't need. How brees that you're putting up the relationships you no longer need, I completely fill you. And we have another guest that's in the waiting room, so we gotta take a quick break. But her name Shari Healey, and she is a possibilitarian, which I need to ask her about that. So let's take a quick break and let's bring her on. Hey, Hey, hi, Sharie, how are you great? How are you women? Good to see you. Um, Sharie, You're on with myself and Lorie Harder is a dear friend of mine, and we're both just gonna be you know, coming at you hot. Okay, do it. First things first, can you explain to us what a possibilitarian is. Yes, someone who will literally stop at nothing to get you what you want. I believe that everything is possible, and we just maybe didn't and how in school or you know, there's fears or beliefs that stand in our way. My whole reason for being is I think we all have a gift to give that, if not shared, is lost to the world forever. And so I'm here to really help people just bring it. So. I have a question. Do you think that some people are born more optimistic, more positive, or that these are learned things that they've done throughout their life or is it a combination. That is the best question. I think we're all born little joy beings. I really think we come in here like optimistic and excited to be alive, and then we learn either to get with the program and settle down and realize that life is alred, you know, and we learn I think pessimism and negativity. And that's not to say it's wrong. I think we're literally here for the whole ride to experience all the lessons and all the all the things. You know, that's part of what the a ride is all about. It's the light and the dark, you know, and it's just a matter of do you learn along the way how to handle it or or how to choose joy and optimism. I think our health and our well being is deeply tied to positivity, and I think it's something that can be relearned, remembered. And how do you think that plays into goal setting? M M. Well, you know, there's this thing that I talked about a lot. It's a success cycle, this sort of you can either be kind of in a downward spiral or an upward one, you know, moving forward. And if you believe enough that you are worthy or that a goal is possible, then you're way more likely to actually get it. But there's a simple hack that if you don't believe it, because a lot of people have become negative or disbelieving because of life circumstances, you can just take action. You can just take simple steps, you know, in the direction of what you want, and that can't fail. It has to bring change and it has to bring results, which actually then further reinforces belief. So you can get kind of in that upward forward motion like you're creating a habit, which is you know, I always say when it comes to working out or anything, like, you don't love doing something at first, when it becomes the habit, then all of a sudden it's something you crave and you need and it's part of your life. And then all of a sudden you realize that thing I'm going to work out doesn't mean that I'm going to run ten miles every day. It means that I may go on a nature walk with my kids, or I may do a restored with yoga. But I'm gonna do something for me. Yeah, and you nailed it. I think it's pleasure is a greater motivator than pain. And so if you are you know, saying I want to be healthy, I want to be well, and one day you feel like running a marathon, that's great, But the next day just hiking is it? Or maybe it's hammock time. Man. I'm very serious about pleasure. And I think that the more we get that, you know, the more we become the people were here to be and become a real gift to others around us, you know, with the reinforcement that you just said, What do you think is important for people in their environment, like their day to day life, especially for those people who are not who maybe don't have the family and the friends, who feel like anything is possible. Yeah, well, given where we are right now in the world, I think this is more important than ever that in the day to day. It starts with your mindset, you know, it starts with just a simple shift up here that says, what are we in right now? You know what, what craziness is happening all around us? And if we can kind of make sense of what's going on in the world in a way that supports us, in a way that reassures us. I think it comes down to feeling safe. You know, if you feel safe in your skin and in your bones in some way, then so much more as possible. So they're just deciding what's going on in the world is really important, and we can talk more about that if you guys want to go there. But I actually have a girlfriend who I know listens to this podcast and she says that right now she has developed such a fear about leaving her home because of everything that's going on. But some things you need to leave your home for if you are you know, need to go to the doctor, you need to go to the store for your family, or any of those types of things. For people that are really in that huge state of fear, what do you recommend on getting out of that? Because you turn on the news and it can be debilitating, and I'd start right there, I would not turn on the news. I mean, listen, I'm not about not being informed. I'm really well informed, but I choose who my sources are, and I think there are a lot of really healthy, valid um, independent, not opinionated, you know, old school people reporting on what's actually happening. When you turn on the main news streams, you're gonna get people's opinions laced in there. You're gonna get agendas, you're gonna get layers of stuff that will actually bring on fear, because as we know, that's what sells. You know, you can go on the social media and go to the good news sources, which I think are really helpful because there's a whole lot of good happening right now in the world. To balance that out. If you feel like you have to go on the mainstream media too. But I have a teacher, my guru actually who UM wise woman who I would defer to, probably more in scenarios like this, who is insistent that we do not let fear be our guide because fear is the cheapest seat in the house. It's the lowest vibration. And so you know what I mean, if you're in a really low vibration and you're you know, muscling fear, then that's what you're going to bring into your life. That's what's gonna amplify. It's like what you focus on expands, where where focus goes, energy flows. They are all those ways of saying, like we really need to recommit to where we get our certainty from. I think that's also really important. Right now, your home alone, what is going to make you feel? It's a basic human needs certainty and we can program that, we can design that into our lives. So it can look like like what you were asking about, what do you do in your home? You know, spiritual practice. It could be um really getting deeply committed to your health and well being. It can be prioritizing joy and connection, like doubling down on the people that you connect with even though your home, because I think that's how we survive. I think that's how we're wired. And it's saying I am going to offset that fear with love love for self. I mean, now would be a really great time to practice how you're loving on yourself and who you're becoming in this life, so that you feel like you're in control, even though you know, we know we're not totally in control, but that we have some control in this and I think that's vital. And if you are in a place where you're having a really hard time loving yourself, Yeah, what are some tools that we can give our listeners that like tangible tools can go Okay, these are one, two, and three that I could do to really start loving myself and appreciating my value in those types of things. Yeah, I mean this is the highest practice. We just need to honor everyone that this is. Like some people will make it through this life and not nail this one. It's human school one. Oh. I think it's or maybe we should call it the advanced course, because falling in love with yourself is the ultimate and so I think to make it really practical and tangible, it starts with like, this is gonna sound not related, but it is. What's your metaphor for life? Okay, So, like, do you see yourself as my favor it is surfing. I am surfing the waves. I am here to have the time of my life. Nobody ever gets on the ocean for a bad time, right, So, so I think we all came here to like really rock out becoming who we're here to become. I am still trying to fully become me. I think that's why I do this work with people, because I want everybody to really not hold back, you know, like we all need to be fully dialed on. But if I see myself as a surfer, I am generally going to see that I'm out here in the world doing my best. I go out into the water. Sometimes the waves are going to be giant, like they are right now, and in sets that just never stopped coming, and sometimes I will be down in the rip at the bottom of the ocean floor, and sometimes there'll be no waves and I'll be bored, and I'll be out there, hopefully with my friends, you know. But if I look at life like that, then when a wave comes and I get knocked out, I'd do something silly, you know, or I I could say I failed. There is no failing if you're out there right. This is a simple way of seeing how you're showing up in the world and going at well back on the board next wave, you know. Or if there's a tussle out there with people all in the water, you know, you come back to wait. I'm here to become my best self. I'm just here to become Shari. You guys are there to become you, you know. And if we can soften with what that looks like, I think that's at the base of it. That's really like giving ourselves the self compassion. Also, Kristen Enough is the writer of the book Self Compassion. She's so brilliant. This is a really practical moment. She's She tells a story about how she's on a plane, like a cross continental super long flight with her son, who is having the world's most giant tantrum, you know, like of course right in the middle of the night when everyone's trying to sleep on the plane and he is freaking out in the aisles, fleaeling, throwing his body around, and that would be kind of like an what it feels like right now in the world. And she instead of you know, putting all of her attention on him and trying to calm him down and freaking out about what people are thinking about her, she does this miraculous thing where she puts about ten of her attention on him, puts her hand on his body and just allows for some energy and love to go through her to him, to calm him with her attention on herself, and starts talking to herself like she's her best friend, like, oh baby, you're doing such a good job. Look at you. You great mama, this is so hard, I love you. Just just drenches herself with exactly the way we would talk to each other, you know, And within minutes he calmed, I mean, I think you hit it. She both of you guys had the nail on the head. Is like, sometimes we talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk to anybody. Never I find myself some of myself, you know though, I'm like, what are you doing to yourself? And then it, you know, it turns into such a spiral, and I so I think that's so important is what are what are the things we continue repeating to ourselves? And you know, you think about that friend who just doesn't want to go outside. And I know there's all kinds of science and data that say getting out in nature, barefoot in the dirt is critical for your health right now, for your gut, for the microbiome, for for your immune system, for the vitamin D you know, all the reasons that we know in our bones, we knew what made us healthy before all of this. And so she just needs to really like sit there and do maybe a silent you know, eyes closed practice, just saying like I am love, I am love, I am love, like just drenching herself on that, because we all are actually at our route. We are love. We just you know, get out there and fight her flight and survival mode and we forget so she can remember that and then put her little mask on, you know, and go out and go where there's not going to be anyone else, if that's what feels safer. But get out there or like you know, Hacket in ways that she can get her groceries delivered and all the things. But be really kind to herself, because I think the gentler she can be about this moment in time, and knowing that, you know, if she could just say like I am held if there's some kind of knowing that the world is conspiring for us, that this moment is a great awakening, I think, and that we're going to come through this way better humans, all of us. It's just self soothing for her, it's going to be really important. Well, thank you so much for joining us. And self self soothing, good self talk, all of these things are so important, and I appreciate you for joining us today. I love it. It's so fun being with you. Where do people find you? Oh, instead the Luminaries, UM, because I think we're all just big shiny light people who need to get out there and light up this world. And Shari Healy dot com perfect much. All right, take care. So you guys, I'm so excited to have this next guest on Dr Topeka UM. And then you're joining myself and my friend Laurie Harder. Thank you Joinning Teddy teapod today. Hi, I'm so excited to be here because I honestly went through all like one I watched your UM, I read your Forbes article, and I immediately became obsessed with you. I was like, this is so incredible. So do you mind if we even just start there? Like the twelve ways to be optimistic? Sure, um, yeah, well actually I have um like a hundred ways to be optimistic. Um. I actually created the things are Looking at Optimism deck of cards and this has fifty two ways. Um there science based um or holistic based suggestions or prompts that actually inspire optimism and resiliency. And so when I was interviewed for Forbes, um, it was really difficult to pick just twelve. That's the hardest thing for me is picking like a short list. There's so many, and most of them are you know, coming from resources or tools that we actually all already possessed. We just uh don't really have the experience or time or um information to really start sharpening those tools. And that's what I'm really passionate about is helping people create their own tools that they can use um in their everyday life. Um. You know, that is a way of self mastery, so it doesn't require being dependent on anyone else. And something else that I I saw that you were talking about that I really loved is the evidence based manifestation. Can you explain that a little bit? Yeah, So for me, that really, um, my specialty is really blending together holistic practices with real evidence based science. I'm um definitely a bit of a brain nerd. And for me, the way that whole path went was I did not get into anything that I'm doing right now from a linear way at all. It was all over the place I actually started. UM. When I was in undergrad I worked for a punk label, which was really interesting and amazing. Um. And then I was actually an investment banker, and then I worked in the public health realm um. And then I found my way in a bit of a crisis and not sure really what I wanted to do, and UM, I took a trip to Japan actually by myself in my mid twenties, and I just booked a one way ticket and it was sort of my eat, pray, love, I guess at a super young age. I just literally called my parents and I was like, I quit my job and I bought a ticket to Japan. And they were like what. And I've never I'm not like a big risk taker. So this was very shocking too many people. But for some reason I at that time I felt like I really needed Japan. I don't know why, and so I went and I went for a couple of months and UM, The long story short is it gave me a lot of time to just figure out the things that I was passionate about and the things that I really wanted to do and things that I had been doing in my sort of previous really early on in careers. I graduated from undergrad pretty early, I I wanted to get out into the workforce, which is really ironic because I ended up going back to school for many many years after that. But basically, I you know, came back and I decided I wanted to pursue psychology, and UM, I knocked on every single door at U c l a s Neuropsychiatric Institute because I'm U c l A was my alma mater for undergrad too, and um, two people gave me a chance, and I fell in love with the field, and I applied for my master's program. I ended up completing that and then doing my doctorate in clinical health psychology. And really, like, I've always been someone that has had a really connected spiritual practice and UM, but I also was that same person that always needed to know why. I was the kid that was like, but why, but why? And so I think I used, um selfishly my grad school experience to really research some of the things I really believed in, but I didn't know why they worked, and I wanted to know why from like a research point of view, and so UM I really dug into making my graduate research and even my dissertation the whole thing on just almost like a self discovery path. And I think that's really one of the only ways to get through a dissertation. You need to really love and be super curious about what you're doing because it's so much time and so much effort. And so I ended up doing my dissertation UM during grad school on UM basically how to increase more positive future directed thinking. So that's optimism through various UH tools, and one of which I really studied was sensory based visual imagery, and so that's visualization. And this was like over a decade ago. UM. There wasn't much on it then like there is now, And the people that were more in the scientific community that I was running into were like, what you're doing seems a little too hippotie dippity. And then the people in the hippotie dippity community were like, you seem like you're a little too science, And so I felt like it took a really long time to blend the two and find my time and space and it's right now, which is pretty cool. I just stuck stuck to it because it's all I knew and all I wanted to do. But but within that search, I really started researching the brain more and I found that the brain, UM, we don't know everything about the brain, but we do know quite a bit, and we keep learning more. And what we know about the brain is it's anticipatory organ So the brain UM is future directed. And I mean this in terms of everything that our brain does. UM. You know, is in future tense, like what you see UM. Your brain tells you what you see faster than your eyes see it. And sometimes when you think about eating a specific type of food, your brain already releases enough insulin to break down that food even before you eat the food. So it's always creating these like future directed pathways that are really great because your brain's efficient UM. And so it was confusing to me that so many of the theoretical perspectives I was studying UM within the therapy world, we're past driven. And I was kind of like, I think a lot of people are getting to the idea of you know, being in the here and the now, but not a lot of people are sort of putting enough weight on how important your future directed thoughts are and everything that you think about in your future, whether it's two minutes from now, ten minutes from now, an hour for an hour, five years from now, that it affects how you feel, and that affects your emotions, which then affect your behavior. So I started getting really interested in this idea of what are people expecting and so UM right now we're sort of in and I'm in l A obviously, so I'm on the coast. I'm biased, but I feel like over the past couple of years, you can't really get like, you can't go by UM your day without hearing someone say the M word manifestation. It's sort of blown up and become this really popular UM process or idea, and a lot of it comes from the Law of Attraction and UM this book that was written by Abraham Hicks and anyway, that's a whole another story, but basically I think that for me, when I say evidence based me innifestation, I put less emphasis on what people want and I put a lot more emphasis on what people are expecting because the research really shows that you don't always get what you want, but you most always get what you expect. And so for me, the work with people is bridging that gap. Like, you could want something ten out of ten, but if you only expect it that it could happen two out of ten, it's most likely not happening. So it's really bridging that gap. Did you give an example for me? Yeah? Sure. So for example, let's say somebody really wants to be in a relationship, and you know, ten out of ten, ten they've made vision boards of who their future partner would look like, what they would be like, how it would feel to be with them, all of that, and if you ask them, yeah, to measure it, they're like, yes, I I want this so badly. It's what I want more than anything, is to manifest relationship. And then I forget to ask them, well, how likely do you think that is to happen on a scale of one to ten? Also, you know, do you think that this is going to happen for you and that it can happen? And if they're like, well, I want it ten out of ten, but I only believe that it would happen three out of ten, then we have some work to do. So basically, if our brain works again like that what I was talking about it being really efficient. Our brain really puts forth the energy because we don't have an unlimited quantity of energy um and an unlimited attentional capacity. It's limited, and so our brain puts forth energy into things and helps us problems solved into things that we actually expect could be true. Otherwise it's sort of a waste. It's kind of like you might really want to win the lottery, and if given the chance, you'd be like, of course I want to win the lottery, But you probably don't buy a lottery ticket every day because you don't expect to win, right, And it's that's just how our brain works. And so if you don't expect that a positive you know, relationship can come your way or you can make it happen, you probably aren't you know it in yourself. It's not magic. It's that you probably aren't putting yourself in situations where you might attract that or they may be available to you. Whereas if you believed it more and you thought, yeah, this I really deserve this, I believe this, it can happen for me and it will happen for me. You're probably that person that's more likely to start etching away at your goal, like you know, being social or saying yes to people that want to introduce you to people, or um, you know, being in a confident state where you are open to meet somebody. Does that make sense? Yes, And so if you're not like you could want it, but maybe you're you know, it's sort of that idea that people talk about self sabotage, but really it's like if you don't expect something to happen and you really really want it, and that bridge isn't gapped, then your brain isn't working for you to try to help you come up with solutions and problem solve your way into making that more of a reality. Do you think that a lot of people are aware that they are doing that, like that they're not actually expecting it, they're just wanting it. No, I don't I think that. Um, we've only recently got into this whole um sort of phase or I don't even know what to call it, but we've only recently kind of accepted this idea of kind of like self growth and working on ourselves and the popular topics are kind of you know, gratitude which is great, and manifesting or knowing what you want, and sort of vision boarding. Over the last like five or six years or maybe even ten, it's been like this popular thing for people to do, like vision board parties, and it's become more mainstream that mainstream even like people in offices talk about vision boarding, which is all amazing and all great, But I still think that this idea of the connection to the expectation UM, when I speak about it to crowds of you know, hundreds of people, it's like this aha moment where they hadn't really thought about that before and connected to the two together or even ask themselves that follow up question, um, you know, after really figuring out what they want, how much they actually expect it or what are they anticipating, and how do those two match or completely not match? And that's to me where I feel the real work has to be done is bridging that. So for example, if someone UM doesn't has has it holds the core belief that they don't really love themselves. UM, you know, there's work that has to be done before they can manifest all the things that can and will happen. If they do love themselves. But there's another whole caveat here where I don't believe that the effective way to that is are these blanket statement affirmations. So a way they get there is not and I'm gonna be very clear about that is not looking in front of the mirror and just saying ten times I love myself. Because your brain is much smarter than that. Um. You know, you have to believe it, and it has to be authentic and it has to be true otherwise your brain. Let's say that's your core belief, you don't love yourself and you don't deserve a good relationship, and you stand in front of a mirror and say the exact opposite. Your brain has thirty plus years on its side that has collected evidence to believe that to be untrue. And we'll just that's what your mind will do. It'll say, no, that's not true. You say that, you can start to do it, and then also, how do you teach that to your children? Yeah, so the way you can start to do it is there are plenty of statements or if you want to call them, affirmations, that you can say that you truly do believe that maybe aren't as weighty and big in general as that. So I'd rather help someone come up with a couple that they actually believe, like seven out of ten. So in that circumstance, I would ask them, you know, what's one thing that you do really enjoy about yourself or you do like about yourself? And maybe they can pick something, you know, small or big, but it's specific, and so maybe it's like I really like what a loyal friend I am, or or how I tell a story, or you know, I I'm really respectful or I'm really honest. And so then I'd have them measure that those statements and if they believe those to be seven out of tent, those are the statements. I want them to stay in front of the mirror, and you say them enough times and you believe them. You start then seeking out other pieces of evidence that go towards like you like yourself, and after a while you have enough evidence that you actually can say that it's just too fast. I love that. That's so smart. Like I just started thinking about mine. I'm like, Lorie, what's yours? Mine is? I Like, I'm a really committed person, I am very organized person, and I by says I I keep my word, but like loriie, what are yours? And then what are yours? Dr Pica? Um, you know what mine is. I like to create experiences for people. I'm fun. I like to make people laugh like I I like to make people laugh. Um. I like my energy. Yeah, I can feel it from zoom. That's amazing. Um. Yeah. So it's really more so about being specific, um instead of like general, and making it really custom and unique to you. And the more you're able, And that's really true for so many things. It's true for when you use visualization as a technique. Um, the more you can make something unique and true for you and that you actually believe, the more your brain is going to work for you, and you can help your brain work better for you, if that makes sense. And then how do you how do we dig into this and lean into it when it comes to our kids? You know, it's so interesting, but I feel like kids are a lot better at this than we are to even begin with. And before like even talking about the idea of optimism, I feel like I really need to define it because it's another thing that kind of I think gets a little misrepresented. Um. You know, I think when people think of optimism a lot of times, or an optimistic person, they kind of things come to mind. It's like the glass half full, rose colored glasses. Um. And then they start really applying them into sort of the world in which we live in today, and they start thinking like, oh, they think about people that are positive all the time three s five days out of the year. This like filtered, really overly positive life. Um. Kind of sounds like an instagram, but basically that's just not true. And and UM, a lot of times people when they think about that definition of optimism, they come back with, well, I I don't want to be an optimist because that's devoid of reality. And um, you know, and that's true if that's your definition of it. But the true definition of an optimist is someone that sees the roadblocks. They're very mindful of the the less than ideal situations and the things that don't go their way and the struggles. But the caveat is they see them as temporary and something that they have the ability to overcome. So you really can't talk about optimism without talking about resiliency. And you know, the way we build optimism is we build our resiliency muscle and we grow and we go grow through heart experiences, and you know, being optimistic is about being able. It's tough, but it's about being able to hold um an emotion of you know, not feeling so great about something and being disappointed or even fearful at the same time holding an emotion of hope or that things might get better or that things will not always be this way, and that Oh I've you know, I've been through struggles before and I've gotten through them, so I actually have the power I don't. I may not know how um or exactly when, but I know I can get through this. And kids are better at this than we are, is what I was going to say. Um, you know, there's so much I've learned that I have a three year old um right now, and through the pandemic experience, I was so worried about him, just like we just about started preschool before and now he can't go. He hasn't obviously seen other kids. Really we're being really extra careful, and I felt so badly for him, and just like our routines are all messed up. My husband and I are both working parents like so many people out there, and have a toddler and have no help and all of that, and it's you know, there's so many things that run through my mind of feeling badly for him, and whether it's you know, again the routine being shaken up, or not having enough socialization, or having to deal with really crabby, irritable parents because it's just too much. But I've just been so surprised and in awe of over and over this, like, wow, my child and so many kids and all kids. I've read about it in research, but I'm seeing it in real hand. They're really resilient and yeah, they they have and that just helps me realize that, you know, we have that in us. We all do. It's just a matter of how much life has gone by, how much evidence we've collected, how much perception, we've kind of an energy we've given to certain things that have happened and what we've made of them. Whereas kids kind of start at somewhat of a you know, blank slate, and so I think it's a good way to see where we were and where we can go back to um in terms of resiliency, and they don't really have UM the labels that we put on some of the emotions. So sometimes when a kid is stressed out or upset, they don't really have the emotions and the definitions that we put on them, like these are really bad things, like sometimes stress and anxiety, I mean obviously on a continuum, it depends how it's impacting you. But sometimes there's positive benefits in them, you know, And they can be signals to us that you know, something isn't right. We need to reach out for support, Maybe we need to take a breath, maybe we need to rest, And it's sort of like a signal like hunger is to tell you that you're hungry. And it's just this new way of learning how to re label um some of these emotions that come up that we've kind of been taught, especially now in our society to like push under the rug or the thing that I can't stand the most is good vibes, only it really like drives into this like this place that we're headed, which is toxic positivity. So as an optimism doctor, I just put it out there like being positive all the time is not human. It's not human. It's setting yourself up for failure, and it's actually not a good way to increase your optimism or joy or happiness at all, So just take that pressure off yourself right now. Well, and I'm saying so much right now is especially in homes where maybe one person you know, maybe the husband or the wife, whomever it may be, or your roommate, but one of you is doing really well and the other one is feeling stuck or down, and so it's they're kind of flatline, and there's all these divorces happening or friendships are ending. What do you recommend if you're having that struggle in the household right now? Yeah, So a couple of things. The first thing is I really like throughout this whole thing, if I could pick, it's really hard. Like I said before, I'm not good at picking like a few things. But if I could pick, like a couple of things in my top three for during this time of optimism tools, one of which would be self compassion and really being able to allow yourself to lean in to the emotion you're feeling, whether it's anxiety or depression, grief loss. Right now, a lot of people are underestimating what we're going through. And what we're going through is levels of trauma and grief and loss and and anxiety and the fear of uncertainty and so many things. Um So, first of all, being able to be self compassionate and lean in so that idea of not just trying to throw a positive right on top of it, leaning into it is the only way out of it. And that's the same for someone that you live with. So how you might deal with stress or anxiety or uncertainty during this time could be very different than how your partner is dealing with it. And you may have thought, you know how your partner deals with something, but none of us have been through this before. So part of it is allowing some space for your partner to experience and not falling into the trap of adding to this toxic positivity and saying something like why can't you just be positive? Or I don't want this negative energy in here. It's more just like what do you need right now for me? And do you want some comfort or do you need some space? Um, you know, I get it. This is really tough. I mean, my husband and I I think we have a pretty good relationship, but yeah, we have thought so much more during this time, and I think the saving grace is really open communication between us and this idea that I keep playing back in my head that I say to other people that sometimes it's hard to practice, but like he's going to have his emotions towards all of this just like I will. And they're not going to be at the exact same time and they're not going to look the same, so being able to allow them to lean into and and maybe just that you know, I always say when I work with couples, I think it's amazing to talk about how you guys love each other. And I find that really interesting because I'm hopeless romantic and I love to hear that. But from a clinical standpoint or from a professional standpoint, I'm more interested in how you guys fight, Like what is your fighting style? And I think that's worth a conversation between partners, especially right now when we're in such close quarters and our responsibilities are so much more and our places that we used to look towards help are so much less. Is really about, like, let's have a conversation about how we fight, and how when when you're upset, what do you need? Looks very different than when I'm upset what do I need? I might need a hug and to get it resolved right away, and you might need space and to take a moment and you know, you might need to scream into a pillow, and you know I might need to put on some music and just dance. I'm the type that needs to hug. I want to hug and to resolve it, and my husband needs space and then over it. But if I have space, I st write. And so if you didn't know that about each other and actually give each other the respect you know for each other's um, how you deal with it? Can you see how that could just go so awry and so many times over and over and it just you know, you give up. And so I think it's always worth a conversation. UM, I would say even more so, more so worth it than talking about like love styles is really talking about fighting styles and getting to like match on those. And it can be uncomfortable because it really, you know, it's a situation that is is not comfortable to start with, and then you have to start changing the way you behave you know, because you're trying to respect you know, the someone else's receiving it. But I think that it's super important to have those conversations, and like we have had to have those conversations in front of our son, and I've wondered about that, but I actually feel like, of course, not having like some crazy, drawn out brawl in front of your child, but I've found that like sometimes when you know, we have an argument and our son is with us all the time, now, really explaining to my son like what just happened and then also allowing my son to see how we worked through it and how we make up um is really important because again, like you know, I've worked with plenty of patients and clients that you know, came from family backgrounds where nothing like that was ever discussed at all, and emotions were sort of pushed under the rug, whether it was love emotions or even arguments. And the truth is we're going to argue people that are close and that love each other and especially are close physically as well. You're gonna not You're gonna disagree about things the same with like you're gonna have stress. Stress is a response, you know, to life, but it's how you perceive it and how you perceive your arguments and how you go through them that really matters. Don't don't get it twisted like it's not not gonna happen. Yeah, No, one's escaping this. No one's escaping that exactly. Oh, Like, I'm so bummed more out of time because this podcast is like giving me so much, Like it's it's filling my take. I'm feeling good. I'm I am so grateful that you guys could join me. Um you have the podcast as well, right, it's called Looking Up. Yeah, it's called Looking Up with Dr deepica Chopra perfect Um. So you guys have to do in and listen and then where do they follow you on Instagram? So you can follow me at Dr deepaka Chopra or at all Things are looking Up? And the podcast just launched two days ago. The first two episodes are out. One is with a Stanford health psychologists all about stress, and the other one is with one of my favorite NBA players, Meta World Peace. And the podcast is amazing because it is all about resiliency and I interview other experts in the field, so there's practical tools that I'm hoping to get out there, but also it's just real, honest, raw human storytelling. I love that so much and thank you so much for joining us. I truly appreciate it. Thank you for having me. Like, uh LORI, how do you feel okay, I like my mind is blown. Thank you so much for having me on here. Let me just tell you, like that want versus expectation was like everything for me because I'm a huge visualizer and I truly feel like that's how I've manifested so many things in my life. And there's a lot of times where I'm like, wait, how am I supposed to be feeling right now when I'm seeing this picture and that expectation just like, yes, I expect this in my life. The things that have happened is because I'm like, I expect this type of relationship now, I expect these type of friends, and it just like closed the whole gap for me. So you just changed my life by bringing her on and by having like amazing Well I never realized it until she actually said it. I'm like, any of the things that have actually come true in my life, I have expected them to come true. Yeah, not just things that I wanted, you know, Like, yes, there are moments where you want something Like in my mind, even like when I go to like what's happened with my kids? Like I will, I'll be praying and wanting and hoping. Um, but like there are things completely out of my control, and I know I can't expect them because they're completely out of the realm of things that I can't expect, So I don't even have that feeling. But the second she said that, I'm like, Wow, everything that I truly believe in happens. Wow. I literally got chills as you were saying that, because the sentence that downloaded was just hope is the expect paition that your life is always going to be better, that it's always getting better, and it's just wow. It's the expectation that there's more and that it's gonna be okay, and that it's going to be good. Um. Yeah, this was so this was so good for me. This is for me too, So I'm gonna have to bring you on again because that was really fun and I love being able to chat with you. And um to those of you guys who tuned in, I hope this was helpful to you as well, and please keep sending in your request on topics to talk about, because honestly, not only do I love doing this, but it's like therapy for me as well. So keep tuning in, keep asking questions, and if you want to find out more about Lorie Harder. Where do they find you? Um, you can go to at Lorie Harder on Instagram. Otherwise, right now I am working on a company called Drink Light Pink, so I'm pretty much hanging out over there on Instagram. Perfect. Thanks guys. First listening, subscribe to Teddy t Pot on I Heart Radio or wherever you listen to podcasts. M