This is Teddy Teapot with Teddy Cabinet. Okay, guys, it is officially Valentine's Day week, No pressure, Edwin. Hello. But I feel like last week we got so much good information, but we only scratched the surface. I want to get more info. I want to give helpful tools for all of us. So we are bringing on Dr Vivianna Coles. She's unmarried at First Sight, which airs Wednesdays on Lifetime. She's a certified sex therapist and I cannot wait. Hi, Dr viv Hi, Welcome to Teddy Tea Pod. Thanks so much for coming on this week. Well, thank you so much for having me. So here's where we are struggling. So last week we had on some amazing guests that helped us talk about communication when it comes to intimacy and sex. But I want more tools, Like I want actual, like tangible things for myself and listeners to be able to go and do, because yes I do. Now we know like the things that need to be communicated about and not pushed under the rug and those types of things, but how do you bring up that communication even to start? So, I mean that's kind of where we are. So we're we're digging in deep now and we're bringing you in. And for those of you guys who want to know more about Dr Viv, she's on Married at First Sight. It airs Wednesdays on Lifetime. She is um a certified sex therapist and works in marriage and family therapy. And we are so excited to have you on today. Thank you so much. I'm really excited to give you those tools. Yeah, all right, I'm gonna just kind of like dig right into it, um. I think the first thing is when you are in a sex rut, whether it's post kids or not, and you need to have that communication with your husband, for too much time passes and it's like you're sleeping in separate bedrooms, what do you do? What do you say? Well, first and foremost, you have to be willing to either be the person who's going to hold that torch for you as a couple or recognize that you are not going to be that person, because what happens is a lot of times you're thinking, well, I'm feeling this way, I wonder if he's feeling this way. Well, of course he's feeling this way, because if I'm feeling this way, and then you go back and forth, back and forth. Okay, let's just both assume that the issue is there, and now who is going to be the one to say, let's do something about it. I'm a big proponent of the person who thinks about it. Let's just say that you think it. You have to say something. You're gonna get credit for it, even if you don't know what the next steps are. You're being a good spouse, You're being a good partner by being the person who brings it up. And you can even say, hey, I've noticed this. Is this something you've noticed, even if you haven't noticed I have, I don't know what to do about it? And you can kind of give them that look like like I'm clueless, what do we do? Because that I'm clueless what do we do? Means I care about this? And with most men, I'm I'm a married wife, um to a man. With most men, what I've noticed is they don't expect you to have all the answers. They don't expect you to be able to say and this is my power point on how we're going to fix this. But what they do want is for you to care that it's happening, right, I mean, because Oftentimes you'll hear something he's saying, something like, you know, it's now been three months since I've had sex with my partner, and now we're in a situation where like it's uncomfortable to even talk about it. Yes, it gets so awkward. Um, it's funny because I created an intimacy reconnection program, uh, based off of the fact that people get to a place where it's awkward, and you would think it was like a barbed wired, electrified fence that they just can't pass through. They don't even know how to how to get there. Um. You would think, you know, people who have been together for twenty years, ten years however long, who've built businesses together, who have built homes together, who have children together, would not let something like awkwardness make them freeze. But it absolutely does. And what I would say to all of you who are feeling like, oh, it's just so awkward to even get there, really hone in on what it is that's behind the awkwardness. Is it that you're concerned that the first time after a very long time is going to be painful, scary? Um, not good? Is there going to be judgment? Are you self conscious? Or is it that you're thinking, well, we haven't really figured out why we haven't had sex in three months, three years. I've had clients who haven't had sex in eight years. Um, you know, why is it that that hasn't happened. If it's just a matter like if you can go back and say, Okay, well it didn't happen during this month because of this or this week, and it didn't happen during this month, there is if you can go back and say, I have an understanding as to why, and it isn't It doesn't have to do with the fact that we have lost feelings for each other. It's more like you're out of town, I was sick, your mom came in the town, it was a holiday. Like, if you can go back and say it has it was external forces that kept us from being able to go into, you know, kind of our sexuality, then then that's one thing. And that's actually a fairly easier conversation to have. But if it's because you just don't have those feelings for each other and you're worried about bringing it up because it's all of a sudden going to put your relationships onto the microscope and under the spotlight. That's where I would say, get some help. I'm a license married and family therapist, so I deal with this day in and day out. Get help, reach out, have somebody there to help you navigate that conversation. It does not have to spell the end of the relationship. A lot of people think going to therapy is like the last ditch effort. It totally is not. It can be something that you do, you know, just like maintenance. You know, we we go to the doctor, we go to the uh, we go get our oil changes, we do all sorts of stuff. This can just be part of maintenance. Now, obviously, if you haven't had you know, any sort of healthy sexuality or fun or satisfying sexuality in a while, it's not going to be an easy conversation, but it can definitely come back. What if you go to, you know, have sex with your partner and like he can't get it up. Do you take it personally? And this is a new problem, Like, I know, if that happened to me, like my mind would start racing and I would go to all these reasons why it happened. But like, what if that is something that happens and it's not a physical problem that has ever come up before. A lot of that has to do with with you remembering that your partner, especially a male, they're not robots. They don't. It's not like you turn on a switch and everything works perfectly. They too have hormones that are a part of it. They too have stressed channels that can take and zap energy from their genitals. I mean, this is they you, you married or are dating a real person, and we women at times can forget just how much our brains and our bodies are affected by external factors. He may think you are the most gorgeous, wonderful person, but if he's not feeling well, or if he has a lot of stress, his body is going to respond. Now that can be something that would keep him from initiating after a while, like, oh no, what if it. You know, the last time that we tried, I wasn't nearly as hard as I wanted to be, And I know that she noticed and this and that. Well again, if you're planning on being with someone in the long term who has a human body, you'll have to navigate these conversations together and can't the same thing go for if you're having sex with your husband and like you fake an orgasm and they know it similar, very similar. You know, I'm not a huge fan of of faking it. I think that pleasure can happen in a continuum and it doesn't have to be like all arn nothing, And especially because you know, studies have shown that women experience the peak of pleasure prior to an orgasm, not at the orgasm. So we don't have to experience orgasm in order to really enjoy a sexual experience. But we expect men to function in this very linear, robotic, predictable way, and they are true, they are humans. We need to remember that. Um for let's say they're the man who's concerned that that's going to happen, or or his wife was concerned that that's going to happen. What if I want to have a conversation ahead of time that says, hey, I want to play around tonight after or a date night, but let's not plan on having intercourse, and let's just see how things go, and maybe tomorrow we'll plan for intercourse. But let's just take that pressure off, take the pressure off, experience just the you know, the intimacy of being maked together, cuddling together, showering together, massaging one another, making out. When was the last time you made out with your husband? Like, come on, like I'm making I'm like how many seconds? Start getting? Um? I mean also just you know on like thirties, six and a half weeks pregnant right now, I'm like, I am a real sexual being right now. Um. Do you think that climaxing is more mental or physical? Well, that that's that's an amazing question. I think for sure what we envision a climax to be is physical. But the people who enjoy sex and sexuality more than anyone are the people who experience it in their in their psychology and their emotions. UM. Pleasure is something that is so subjective, and when we try to really tie it in with our physicality, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment because again, we age our bodies develop, they tend to decline. Functioning, especially sexual functioning, changes on the regular. UM. So I would love where people to start to see it as more as something that exists within their emotional selves, their psychological selves, But that isn't typically the case, and so we're putting ourselves up against other frameworks that are, hey, this is what your body should be experiencing. This is what you know sexuality should feel like. Um, you're so different. There's just no way to have that framework exists across cultures, across ages, across you know, experiences. How do you get your libido up if you you know, maybe it is because of menopause, or maybe it is because you've just had a baby, or maybe it's just because you're tired. How do you actually change that and change the way that you're feeling like? I mean, knowing that you should isn't really enough. It's all about practice. I'm a big fan of solo sex. I think that having your self awareness, um, and through through that self exploration, through that self awareness that we do when we're on our own, uh and without anyone else there to see, that's where we start to get really comfortable and we experience sexual confidence. And when that happens, you can start to really look forward to the pleasure that comes from experiencing fantasies in your head, um, the pleasure of sexy touch on your body, all of that. But what happens is for a lot of women, they're not socialized to have that healthy self touch from an early age. It doesn't happen until you know, more like college age or even beyond their thirties, and they experience it with someone else, Well, he doesn't tend to know what is going to really do things for you. So it's it's kind of the blind wading the blind. But how do you get more comfy doing that? Like, if you haven't and if it's always been this forbidden thing that you shouldn't be doing, how do you start to learn about it and start to find ways to get yourself to even be to not look at it in that way. So let's start with your with your mind. Um, I'm a again, I'm a big fan of encouraging people to find some sort of sexy erotic literature. It can be something that you get on your kindle, it can be something that you buy on the you know, the convenience store. Shall those are all sexy and just pick up one and see what happens? What sensations you feel in your body, what scenarios tend to create an arousal response versus what scenarios tend to turn you off, and just start learning from that. What I have found is that with a lot of women, because we we tend to be visually critical. Going straight into visual pornography or looking at erotic graphic pictures doesn't tend to go as nicely or positively as if we were to just have a storyline that we can then picture what we want. We can picture the people in it that we like, the scenarios, the place is the clothing, things that are appealing to us. Um so it tends to go more positively that way. And then when you notice the sensations in your body, I want you to take note of that, write it down. This was a sexy scenario, this would have been SEXI or if it was like this. And what I have found is that when women start to experience that warmth, that arousal response within their bodies, they can kind of see like, oh I can I can feel my body and gorging. I can feel you know, mi pre tourists like starting to really get aroused. And then you can start to understand what it's like to touch. And that's just It can be over the underwear, it can be in the shower, it can be as you're washing. It doesn't have to be anything like super erotic and as big to do, but it can be. You can also really woo yourself. I try to explain to both men and women in my office. I think it's really important that you make it something that you're comfortable with. And if showering beforehand is comfy, you know, lighting a candle, having a little drink of wine, you know, woo yourself. Make it something where you're relaxed versus something that you're checking off the box. But does it ever happen where somebody's like, wow, I would get so good out of myself. What's the point of bringing him along? Typically not? Typically not, I've heard what did somebody say that to me before? Like, oh, yeah, you know, I'll have sex with my husband once every couple of weeks, throw them a bone. But like, truthfully, it ain't that good anyway. So you know, it's if it's if it's not that good, then you need to address that. That's part of the work of being in a long term committed relationship is not letting something like that just go. If she's saying our sex life isn't that great, I hear, and what are you going to do about that? That's not a that's not a death sentence, you know, like she should be thinking, wow, I'm so glad that I've really figured out how to um have that pholo sex experience that is satisfying and it really like eases my my sexual tension. But I would also like for her to experience that with her partner, and she's so can there. I mean, there are so many ways to experience sexual pleasure with someone else. If she's written that off, that maybe more of a sign of a relationship issue not so much a sexual issue. And that same note, I know there are certain times where like when it comes to even like sex with my husband, and at the beginning, I will think maybe I don't want to I'm not in the mood for this, but then you know, you start and then it happens. But is there a way that you can kind of work yourself into wanting to be in the mood, like, you know, in a moment's notice versus that first moment like man, not tonight. You know, how do you kind of start tricking or it's not tricking, but how do you start changing your perspective div so that it's something you look forward to and not something that you know you know you need to do to create intimacy. So I think that spontaneity is overrated in long term relationships. I think it's not something that we can count on happening. We can hope it happens. Um like the stars aligning. That's great, But most of the time, again, part of the work of being in a long term sexually satisfying relationship is always being prepared. And now what that might mean for a lot of women is making sure that they feel comfortable in their bodies. And that may or may not include certain hygiene or grooming um that may include working out a certain way or wearing something, but do something on the regular that helps you to feel like you could be receptive if your partner or if that situation would arise now and a lot of women will say, oh, it's just you know, then we have to do this, and then it takes this long, and I have to do that, and then to shower after, and what about the kids and this and that, And that's where I think that scheduling comes in. I get a lot of groans from people, and I'm like, well, if you can just focus on having frequent, spontaneous sex and that's a luxury you have awesome. But for most people, we have to plan these things out and that might mean carving out an hour once a week, twice a week, you know, maybe on a weekend where you just know, hey, we both need to be thinking sexy thoughts, we both need to not pick fights, we both need to take our acid rebux medicine or whatever it is. I love that you were validating the scheduling sex thing. It's something I've talked about before because I truly think it's like helped our marriage and our sex life where we're not putting it in a calendar, but we're kind of putting it out there that this is the plan, the general planning of when it's going to happen, and and then both of our expectations are met and we're excited, and it's just a different way versus you know, somebody may just have had a bad day and they want to come home and have sex to make themselves feel better, and the other person is already half asleep or watching the Taylor Swift Doctor documentary and the Moon. You know. Like the other thing about scheduling it is that it doesn't have to be on like you said, like a shared calendar. But if it's something that, let's say, for you or for me, it helps to know. Oh, yeah, I need to make sure that I am, you know, getting the kids to bed by a certain time on this night. That's something that's going on in my head, and I'm starting to prepare myself for it. The other thing is that if it is something that's expected and scheduled, you can then have a conversation about why it may not happen. Oh, honey, you know, I'm sorry, but it's going to be guys night this night, or it's gonna be girls night. Can we you know, get a rain check and change it for the next night. What matters in the long term or relationship for most people is that you're on the same page about why it is happening or why it is not happening. What if one person is feeling sexually satisfied but the other person isn't. How do you communicate that with your partner without being, you know, hurting their feelings. I think what you're what you're alluding to, maybe when somebody feels like it feels good and the other person doesn't. Yeah, or if somebody is happy with the way things are and you you may have talked this is a question from somebody else, So I'm just trying to assume. But I think what they were implying it was a longer question prior, but that their husband seems to be happy with their sex life because they have enough sex a week and blah blah blah, and it's kind of like checking something off a list, but they're their intimacy needs maybe aren't being met, and how do they then share that with their husband without kind of pointing fingers? So I again, there are certain things that we can just do if you're in a long term relationship that um make things so much easier. And that's have a Friday lunch meeting, you know, maybe once a week, maybe once a month, where you share what you think is going well in your life, your lives together, and that should always include your intimate physical sex life. Hey, this is what I really like. I like that, you know, on those days we seem to have kind of more of a sex fed vibe between us. What do you like about it? Oh? I just like that you know we're having sex more than anybody else I know. Okay, what would you like to do? And then it's almost like if you have these questions that you're both ready or expecting to answer that's when some of the issues can come out. And but you always want to phrase it in terms of what I would like to have more of, or things would be even better if we did more of this, or I like this. Um, you don't want to really go into the whole. You know, I don't like this and I don't want this, or we need to stop doing that. It be be more positive in the way that you that you couch it. So, for instance, this person could say, I really like that we always prioritize this on such and such dates. Um, something that I would like to do more of is maybe spend a little bit more time in finding out what feels really good for both you and for me. The next time that we're in the bedroom, I'd like to give it a little bit more time to explore and and just start. They're like, that's not You're not saying that you want anything in particular. You're not saying that you don't like something. You're just saying I want more time. And then she can maybe lead um that at least in that experience what it is that she wants to experience more pleasure in, Because there's got to be something that's saying that it puts it in a positive versus a negative of and you know, you can kind of go from there. It's not as critical. It's not like a wet blanket. Oh, by the way, I hate our sex lives. We need to redo everything. Or it can also be a wet blanket to say, hey, I know we haven't talked about this in ages, but I made us an appointment with a sex therapist like that that kind of look, it's a little bit of pressure. Yeah, So these are more like direct sex or you know, questions on how to handle something so polite ways to tell your partner that they are unattracted to your smell or that you're not taking care of yourself or any of those types of things. Because I can't tell you how many people had questions on that, like how do I tell my wife that she needs to take care of herself down there if she wants me to take care of her down there? Or how do I tell my husband that I don't mind going down on him, but I only like doing it after he gets out of the shower. Right. Oh my gosh, Teddy, I have like the perfect case study for you. This is this is something that even stuck to me, which after I've been in practice since like two thousand three. I was shocked because I had this couple that came in and they were seeming me doing really well with their relationship, but that their stufs like just wasn't clicking. And she kept saying, you know, I just think it's unfair that, you know, I am always willing to go down on him, but he doesn't ever go down on me. And I said okay, and I wanted to talk to him separately about it and what's going on, and she was like, I just I don't understand that, Like we got along so well and he's so welcoming and he seems so um. He seems to praise me all the time about my body and this ma, but I just don't get it. It It makes me feel bad. So I get him alone, as I tend to do. I seem to do both couples and individual sessions. Um. And he says, my wife works out three or four times a week and showers maybe once m and I couldn't believe it. I was like, oh, you mean, like she doesn't wash her hair but once She's like, no, she does not shower work except for maybe once and I said, have you ever shared with her that you would like for her to shower more? And he said, well, the one time that I brought it up, she said it was bad for her skin, and that you know that that's not fair that she shouldn't have to, you know, have dry skin because he wants her to shower more. I I was like, okay, all right, now, I know that that that that I also have to question myself. Well, okay, I'm the kind of person who washes my hair every single day because if I sweat, I'm going to wash everything. But that's not how everybody is. So I know that I have to say, okay, well let me let me talk to her now to figure out what it is that's going on with her, because I certainly don't want to, you know, push my own ideas about what cleanliness should be like. So I talked to her about it and I said, you know, um our genitals and I had to kind of explain, like our genitals they have like the self cleaning mechanism as women, but if you're working out as much as you do, you are creating more oils, you're creating sweat, and if you have hair, it gets the smells get trapped in there and it can be very musty. And so I just thought out told her as this quote unquote sex expert, are going to have a man's mouth on your genitalia on your bulba, you are going to have to clean it and and you know what you said, Oh I can do that. Well that makes sense. I'm a little a sudden, got a little shit tongue tied on that one. No, but it's true. I get, I mean, this happened, you know, it's I guess I'm in a personal share for a second. But when I was pregnant with my first child, um, my husband was constantly paranoid that he was going to touch the baby while we were having sex. Why yeah, And I was like, I'm telling you, you're good, you know. But it took us actually going to my O B G Y N and saying like, hey, can you please tell Edwin that this is completely safe and you know, and and then everything kind of shifted. But because you know, there's just so many factors, like then I was put on bed rest and all of these things happened that like can keep triggering these worries like if you're spotting or if this happens or um, and you know kind of in this pregnancy. You know, I've been very lucky that I haven't been on better rest and spotting all these constant things. But like we had to like have that conversation again with the doctor. It was like Dr Goldberg, can you please explain Lane that everything safe, everything's good, and now it's been great. But without that knowledge, it's in the back of his head or even during he'd be like is this okay? Do you think this is fine? I did my doctoral project on maintaining sexual intimacy during pregnancy, so I actually had to creative video that had like all the diagrams of showing like Okay, this is your penis and this is all the space in between, um. And even then some men would still come out of my project like but but but really, really, I'm like, you're not that long and even if you were here, there's lots of protection there. Um. But it's But it's interesting because even with kind of sharing with with this one client in particular, hey, you know, I think you'll need to wash in order to make everything go better. It wasn't that I wanted her to be ashamed of her smell. It was that I wanted her to be O where of that and aware of his preferences, and wasn't that way whenever she was making a choice. Hey, I'm not going to shower tonight. She also didn't feel blindsided by the fact that he wasn't going to be maybe as enthusiastic about going down on her that night. I'm curious, did you change? Did you shirt showering change? Here? Did success? So? Oh my gosh, we have to take a little break. Can I Can I get you right back in in a couple of minutes to ask a couple ask questions? Of course? All right, we're back. I know we're running out of time. Of course I have like a million more questions to ask you, but let's just do a couple more. Um, the first one is my husband, not me personally. Sorry, UM, somebody's asking me their husband consistently wants to have anal sex but she does not like it. Where do you go from there? So she assuming she says she doesn't like it, but that that could mean that she's either tried it and it wasn't pleasurable, or she hasn't tried it because she doesn't really like the idea of it, or she's concerned that it won't be pleasurable. Um, if you have a partner who is willing to do the physical and emotional preparation that it takes in order to get to have a pleasurable anal sexual experience, I say let's talk about it, because if you are if you do have a partner who's willing to do all the prep and it takes a lot of preparation, it could take weeks, it could take months. Then if you have a partner who's willing to hold your hand through it, and both of you can explore that. Obviously I'm partial to people doing that with me as a sex therapist, but there are you know, some there's some information online that's very helpful. There are books and videos that are very helpful. If they're willing to do all that and you're will it's almost like kind of liking it to the fact that you know you're pregnant right now. I've also had two kids myself. The idea of something coming out of you or of your body being able to handle the experience when you're four weeks pregnant is very different emotionally and physically than when you're thirty six weeks pregnant, all of a sudden, you're like, Okay, my body, I've seen the changes that my body has gone through. I've looked at the videos, I've read the stories. I've experienced it, you know, in different ways. You have to remember that this is a process. This is not a let's try this out tonight. If you can create an experience where your body can accommodate, then you have the option of maybe even experiencing pleasure. But a lot of women won't even go there because they've heard a lot of myths or they're scared. And UM, I think that it's worth thinking about and considering very strongly. If you have a partner who is patient, who is willing to let you take the lead, and who isn't going to be pushy, all right, I can accept that answer. I can accept that answer. Um, where should somebody go to research this? So there? Um, that's interesting, you say, let me see if I can plan it like you do is I'll post about it whenever you Postum, whenever you post this, I'll post some links and kind of do like a little link thing. Um. People are gonna be like, oh, why is that doctor really posting a bunch of people. Know, we'll see if we can do that, maybe on a story or something, but it's for a lot of people it's a straight up no, not gonna happen, and they can't understand why anybody would want that to happen. But if you as a couple are trying to experience pasure in different ways, it is a really valid um, a valid choice to explore that part of your body. But you must do it carefully and very conscientiously. That makes a lot of sense. Um. And then this last one that's involving you know, a listener question is I think about other people while having sex with my husband. What does that mean? Are we in trouble? Okay, if it's the only way you're able to get off, you may be in a little bit of trouble. And a lot of that is because you are no longer associating your partner with your pleasure. So if you have trouble getting back into being able to consider your partner as your fantasy subject, um, seek some help and don't don't continue doing that. Wait, um, you know, see if you see if you can think about your partner and get off, and if you can't, get some help with it, but don't continue to do what you've been doing, which is training your body and your brain to respond to someone else. Does the same. Go for sex dreams. You can't control sex, Sonnekle of Joy for you know, you can't control that. But your fantasy file should should be with somebody that you can actually be with and can experience that with, and truth be told, you would probably want your partner to do the same. I mean, now I have to dig into a personal question. I need to know a little bit more about married at First Sight how it works, Like can you give us a little juice on that? Absolutely? And actually now it's the time to to really check in on on the episodes because they're going to be talking more about intimacy and that sort of thing. But Married at First Sight is this radical arranged marriage experiment. It is we really try to get at the best, most compatible couples from our singles and we create hopefully long lasting marriages from that. Now, what we do is we do all bunch of research, all sorts of testing, all sorts of questionnaires. We put these people through the ringer, and then if we're able to find them a match, we will match them We have five couples this season who we believe are very well matched. And then what happens is they get married, and they meet and get legally married at the Altar, and then they go on this eight week experiment and this is their chance to really get to know why they are compatible, how they're compatible, and um get them started on a lifelong marriage. Now, the TV aspect of it, and the part that I love about it is that you get to learn how people do well in relationships, but also how can they can self sabotaged Because the people that we see singles, we hope are going to be the people that they are when they're coupled up, but that isn't always the case. And sometimes it takes people going through the wringer to get to a place where they are doing well, and other people just fall off. So, I mean, it's kind of crazy, it's this roller poster. But if you're really committed to marriage and you're really committed to finding out why this person is the best match for you, then they do really well and they you know, we have lots of lots of couples um, and we have babies who have come out of the show, so it's it's a really really interesting, unique experience. I cannot wait to keep tuning in now that it's getting to the intimacy part. And we appreciate you so much for coming on the show and digging a little deeper. I could ask you a million more questions. UM, that's a part two or part three. I know we have to dig into more. UM. If you guys want to find out more about Dr viv you can find out at Dr Viviana dot com. Thank you so much, Thank you, take care right. Thanks for listening this week to teddy te Pod. Please continue to send in your questions. I love it. UM. Next week we are digging into the good, the bad, and the ugly of pregnancy. I mean that is, if I'm still pregnant next week. So UM, send in your questions. I look forward to doing it and I'll talk to you guys soon. Happy Valentine's Day. Thanks for listening. Subscribe to teddy te Pod on I Hear Radio or wherever you listen to podcasts.

This is Teddy Teapot with Teddy Cabinet. Okay, guys, it is officially Valentine's Day week, No pressure, Edwin. Hello. But I feel like last week we got so much good information, but we only scratched the surface. I want to get more info. I want to give helpful tools for all of us. So we are bringing on Dr Vivianna Coles. She's unmarried at First Sight, which airs Wednesdays on Lifetime. She's a certified sex therapist and I cannot wait. Hi, Dr viv Hi, Welcome to Teddy Tea Pod. Thanks so much for coming on this week. Well, thank you so much for having me. So here's where we are struggling. So last week we had on some amazing guests that helped us talk about communication when it comes to intimacy and sex. But I want more tools, Like I want actual, like tangible things for myself and listeners to be able to go and do, because yes I do. Now we know like the things that need to be communicated about and not pushed under the rug and those types of things, but how do you bring up that communication even to start? So, I mean that's kind of where we are. So we're we're digging in deep now and we're bringing you in. And for those of you guys who want to know more about Dr Viv, she's on Married at First Sight. It airs Wednesdays on Lifetime. She is um a certified sex therapist and works in marriage and family therapy. And we are so excited to have you on today. Thank you so much. I'm really excited to give you those tools. Yeah, all right, I'm gonna just kind of like dig right into it, um. I think the first thing is when you are in a sex rut, whether it's post kids or not, and you need to have that communication with your husband, for too much time passes and it's like you're sleeping in separate bedrooms, what do you do? What do you say? Well, first and foremost, you have to be willing to either be the person who's going to hold that torch for you as a couple or recognize that you are not going to be that person, because what happens is a lot of times you're thinking, well, I'm feeling this way, I wonder if he's feeling this way. Well, of course he's feeling this way, because if I'm feeling this way, and then you go back and forth, back and forth. Okay, let's just both assume that the issue is there, and now who is going to be the one to say, let's do something about it. I'm a big proponent of the person who thinks about it. Let's just say that you think it. You have to say something. You're gonna get credit for it, even if you don't know what the next steps are. You're being a good spouse, You're being a good partner by being the person who brings it up. And you can even say, hey, I've noticed this. Is this something you've noticed, even if you haven't noticed I have, I don't know what to do about it? And you can kind of give them that look like like I'm clueless, what do we do? Because that I'm clueless what do we do? Means I care about this? And with most men, I'm I'm a married wife, um to a man. With most men, what I've noticed is they don't expect you to have all the answers. They don't expect you to be able to say and this is my power point on how we're going to fix this. But what they do want is for you to care that it's happening, right, I mean, because Oftentimes you'll hear something he's saying, something like, you know, it's now been three months since I've had sex with my partner, and now we're in a situation where like it's uncomfortable to even talk about it. Yes, it gets so awkward. Um, it's funny because I created an intimacy reconnection program, uh, based off of the fact that people get to a place where it's awkward, and you would think it was like a barbed wired, electrified fence that they just can't pass through. They don't even know how to how to get there. Um. You would think, you know, people who have been together for twenty years, ten years however long, who've built businesses together, who have built homes together, who have children together, would not let something like awkwardness make them freeze. But it absolutely does. And what I would say to all of you who are feeling like, oh, it's just so awkward to even get there, really hone in on what it is that's behind the awkwardness. Is it that you're concerned that the first time after a very long time is going to be painful, scary? Um, not good? Is there going to be judgment? Are you self conscious? Or is it that you're thinking, well, we haven't really figured out why we haven't had sex in three months, three years. I've had clients who haven't had sex in eight years. Um, you know, why is it that that hasn't happened. If it's just a matter like if you can go back and say, Okay, well it didn't happen during this month because of this or this week, and it didn't happen during this month, there is if you can go back and say, I have an understanding as to why, and it isn't It doesn't have to do with the fact that we have lost feelings for each other. It's more like you're out of town, I was sick, your mom came in the town, it was a holiday. Like, if you can go back and say it has it was external forces that kept us from being able to go into, you know, kind of our sexuality, then then that's one thing. And that's actually a fairly easier conversation to have. But if it's because you just don't have those feelings for each other and you're worried about bringing it up because it's all of a sudden going to put your relationships onto the microscope and under the spotlight. That's where I would say, get some help. I'm a license married and family therapist, so I deal with this day in and day out. Get help, reach out, have somebody there to help you navigate that conversation. It does not have to spell the end of the relationship. A lot of people think going to therapy is like the last ditch effort. It totally is not. It can be something that you do, you know, just like maintenance. You know, we we go to the doctor, we go to the uh, we go get our oil changes, we do all sorts of stuff. This can just be part of maintenance. Now, obviously, if you haven't had you know, any sort of healthy sexuality or fun or satisfying sexuality in a while, it's not going to be an easy conversation, but it can definitely come back. What if you go to, you know, have sex with your partner and like he can't get it up. Do you take it personally? And this is a new problem, Like, I know, if that happened to me, like my mind would start racing and I would go to all these reasons why it happened. But like, what if that is something that happens and it's not a physical problem that has ever come up before. A lot of that has to do with with you remembering that your partner, especially a male, they're not robots. They don't. It's not like you turn on a switch and everything works perfectly. They too have hormones that are a part of it. They too have stressed channels that can take and zap energy from their genitals. I mean, this is they you, you married or are dating a real person, and we women at times can forget just how much our brains and our bodies are affected by external factors. He may think you are the most gorgeous, wonderful person, but if he's not feeling well, or if he has a lot of stress, his body is going to respond. Now that can be something that would keep him from initiating after a while, like, oh no, what if it. You know, the last time that we tried, I wasn't nearly as hard as I wanted to be, And I know that she noticed and this and that. Well again, if you're planning on being with someone in the long term who has a human body, you'll have to navigate these conversations together and can't the same thing go for if you're having sex with your husband and like you fake an orgasm and they know it similar, very similar. You know, I'm not a huge fan of of faking it. I think that pleasure can happen in a continuum and it doesn't have to be like all arn nothing, And especially because you know, studies have shown that women experience the peak of pleasure prior to an orgasm, not at the orgasm. So we don't have to experience orgasm in order to really enjoy a sexual experience. But we expect men to function in this very linear, robotic, predictable way, and they are true, they are humans. We need to remember that. Um for let's say they're the man who's concerned that that's going to happen, or or his wife was concerned that that's going to happen. What if I want to have a conversation ahead of time that says, hey, I want to play around tonight after or a date night, but let's not plan on having intercourse, and let's just see how things go, and maybe tomorrow we'll plan for intercourse. But let's just take that pressure off, take the pressure off, experience just the you know, the intimacy of being maked together, cuddling together, showering together, massaging one another, making out. When was the last time you made out with your husband? Like, come on, like I'm making I'm like how many seconds? Start getting? Um? I mean also just you know on like thirties, six and a half weeks pregnant right now, I'm like, I am a real sexual being right now. Um. Do you think that climaxing is more mental or physical? Well, that that's that's an amazing question. I think for sure what we envision a climax to be is physical. But the people who enjoy sex and sexuality more than anyone are the people who experience it in their in their psychology and their emotions. UM. Pleasure is something that is so subjective, and when we try to really tie it in with our physicality, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment because again, we age our bodies develop, they tend to decline. Functioning, especially sexual functioning, changes on the regular. UM. So I would love where people to start to see it as more as something that exists within their emotional selves, their psychological selves, But that isn't typically the case, and so we're putting ourselves up against other frameworks that are, hey, this is what your body should be experiencing. This is what you know sexuality should feel like. Um, you're so different. There's just no way to have that framework exists across cultures, across ages, across you know, experiences. How do you get your libido up if you you know, maybe it is because of menopause, or maybe it is because you've just had a baby, or maybe it's just because you're tired. How do you actually change that and change the way that you're feeling like? I mean, knowing that you should isn't really enough. It's all about practice. I'm a big fan of solo sex. I think that having your self awareness, um, and through through that self exploration, through that self awareness that we do when we're on our own, uh and without anyone else there to see, that's where we start to get really comfortable and we experience sexual confidence. And when that happens, you can start to really look forward to the pleasure that comes from experiencing fantasies in your head, um, the pleasure of sexy touch on your body, all of that. But what happens is for a lot of women, they're not socialized to have that healthy self touch from an early age. It doesn't happen until you know, more like college age or even beyond their thirties, and they experience it with someone else, Well, he doesn't tend to know what is going to really do things for you. So it's it's kind of the blind wading the blind. But how do you get more comfy doing that? Like, if you haven't and if it's always been this forbidden thing that you shouldn't be doing, how do you start to learn about it and start to find ways to get yourself to even be to not look at it in that way. So let's start with your with your mind. Um, I'm a again, I'm a big fan of encouraging people to find some sort of sexy erotic literature. It can be something that you get on your kindle, it can be something that you buy on the you know, the convenience store. Shall those are all sexy and just pick up one and see what happens? What sensations you feel in your body, what scenarios tend to create an arousal response versus what scenarios tend to turn you off, and just start learning from that. What I have found is that with a lot of women, because we we tend to be visually critical. Going straight into visual pornography or looking at erotic graphic pictures doesn't tend to go as nicely or positively as if we were to just have a storyline that we can then picture what we want. We can picture the people in it that we like, the scenarios, the place is the clothing, things that are appealing to us. Um so it tends to go more positively that way. And then when you notice the sensations in your body, I want you to take note of that, write it down. This was a sexy scenario, this would have been SEXI or if it was like this. And what I have found is that when women start to experience that warmth, that arousal response within their bodies, they can kind of see like, oh I can I can feel my body and gorging. I can feel you know, mi pre tourists like starting to really get aroused. And then you can start to understand what it's like to touch. And that's just It can be over the underwear, it can be in the shower, it can be as you're washing. It doesn't have to be anything like super erotic and as big to do, but it can be. You can also really woo yourself. I try to explain to both men and women in my office. I think it's really important that you make it something that you're comfortable with. And if showering beforehand is comfy, you know, lighting a candle, having a little drink of wine, you know, woo yourself. Make it something where you're relaxed versus something that you're checking off the box. But does it ever happen where somebody's like, wow, I would get so good out of myself. What's the point of bringing him along? Typically not? Typically not, I've heard what did somebody say that to me before? Like, oh, yeah, you know, I'll have sex with my husband once every couple of weeks, throw them a bone. But like, truthfully, it ain't that good anyway. So you know, it's if it's if it's not that good, then you need to address that. That's part of the work of being in a long term committed relationship is not letting something like that just go. If she's saying our sex life isn't that great, I hear, and what are you going to do about that? That's not a that's not a death sentence, you know, like she should be thinking, wow, I'm so glad that I've really figured out how to um have that pholo sex experience that is satisfying and it really like eases my my sexual tension. But I would also like for her to experience that with her partner, and she's so can there. I mean, there are so many ways to experience sexual pleasure with someone else. If she's written that off, that maybe more of a sign of a relationship issue not so much a sexual issue. And that same note, I know there are certain times where like when it comes to even like sex with my husband, and at the beginning, I will think maybe I don't want to I'm not in the mood for this, but then you know, you start and then it happens. But is there a way that you can kind of work yourself into wanting to be in the mood, like, you know, in a moment's notice versus that first moment like man, not tonight. You know, how do you kind of start tricking or it's not tricking, but how do you start changing your perspective div so that it's something you look forward to and not something that you know you know you need to do to create intimacy. So I think that spontaneity is overrated in long term relationships. I think it's not something that we can count on happening. We can hope it happens. Um like the stars aligning. That's great, But most of the time, again, part of the work of being in a long term sexually satisfying relationship is always being prepared. And now what that might mean for a lot of women is making sure that they feel comfortable in their bodies. And that may or may not include certain hygiene or grooming um that may include working out a certain way or wearing something, but do something on the regular that helps you to feel like you could be receptive if your partner or if that situation would arise now and a lot of women will say, oh, it's just you know, then we have to do this, and then it takes this long, and I have to do that, and then to shower after, and what about the kids and this and that, And that's where I think that scheduling comes in. I get a lot of groans from people, and I'm like, well, if you can just focus on having frequent, spontaneous sex and that's a luxury you have awesome. But for most people, we have to plan these things out and that might mean carving out an hour once a week, twice a week, you know, maybe on a weekend where you just know, hey, we both need to be thinking sexy thoughts, we both need to not pick fights, we both need to take our acid rebux medicine or whatever it is. I love that you were validating the scheduling sex thing. It's something I've talked about before because I truly think it's like helped our marriage and our sex life where we're not putting it in a calendar, but we're kind of putting it out there that this is the plan, the general planning of when it's going to happen, and and then both of our expectations are met and we're excited, and it's just a different way versus you know, somebody may just have had a bad day and they want to come home and have sex to make themselves feel better, and the other person is already half asleep or watching the Taylor Swift Doctor documentary and the Moon. You know. Like the other thing about scheduling it is that it doesn't have to be on like you said, like a shared calendar. But if it's something that, let's say, for you or for me, it helps to know. Oh, yeah, I need to make sure that I am, you know, getting the kids to bed by a certain time on this night. That's something that's going on in my head, and I'm starting to prepare myself for it. The other thing is that if it is something that's expected and scheduled, you can then have a conversation about why it may not happen. Oh, honey, you know, I'm sorry, but it's going to be guys night this night, or it's gonna be girls night. Can we you know, get a rain check and change it for the next night. What matters in the long term or relationship for most people is that you're on the same page about why it is happening or why it is not happening. What if one person is feeling sexually satisfied but the other person isn't. How do you communicate that with your partner without being, you know, hurting their feelings. I think what you're what you're alluding to, maybe when somebody feels like it feels good and the other person doesn't. Yeah, or if somebody is happy with the way things are and you you may have talked this is a question from somebody else, So I'm just trying to assume. But I think what they were implying it was a longer question prior, but that their husband seems to be happy with their sex life because they have enough sex a week and blah blah blah, and it's kind of like checking something off a list, but they're their intimacy needs maybe aren't being met, and how do they then share that with their husband without kind of pointing fingers? So I again, there are certain things that we can just do if you're in a long term relationship that um make things so much easier. And that's have a Friday lunch meeting, you know, maybe once a week, maybe once a month, where you share what you think is going well in your life, your lives together, and that should always include your intimate physical sex life. Hey, this is what I really like. I like that, you know, on those days we seem to have kind of more of a sex fed vibe between us. What do you like about it? Oh? I just like that you know we're having sex more than anybody else I know. Okay, what would you like to do? And then it's almost like if you have these questions that you're both ready or expecting to answer that's when some of the issues can come out. And but you always want to phrase it in terms of what I would like to have more of, or things would be even better if we did more of this, or I like this. Um, you don't want to really go into the whole. You know, I don't like this and I don't want this, or we need to stop doing that. It be be more positive in the way that you that you couch it. So, for instance, this person could say, I really like that we always prioritize this on such and such dates. Um, something that I would like to do more of is maybe spend a little bit more time in finding out what feels really good for both you and for me. The next time that we're in the bedroom, I'd like to give it a little bit more time to explore and and just start. They're like, that's not You're not saying that you want anything in particular. You're not saying that you don't like something. You're just saying I want more time. And then she can maybe lead um that at least in that experience what it is that she wants to experience more pleasure in, Because there's got to be something that's saying that it puts it in a positive versus a negative of and you know, you can kind of go from there. It's not as critical. It's not like a wet blanket. Oh, by the way, I hate our sex lives. We need to redo everything. Or it can also be a wet blanket to say, hey, I know we haven't talked about this in ages, but I made us an appointment with a sex therapist like that that kind of look, it's a little bit of pressure. Yeah, So these are more like direct sex or you know, questions on how to handle something so polite ways to tell your partner that they are unattracted to your smell or that you're not taking care of yourself or any of those types of things. Because I can't tell you how many people had questions on that, like how do I tell my wife that she needs to take care of herself down there if she wants me to take care of her down there? Or how do I tell my husband that I don't mind going down on him, but I only like doing it after he gets out of the shower. Right. Oh my gosh, Teddy, I have like the perfect case study for you. This is this is something that even stuck to me, which after I've been in practice since like two thousand three. I was shocked because I had this couple that came in and they were seeming me doing really well with their relationship, but that their stufs like just wasn't clicking. And she kept saying, you know, I just think it's unfair that, you know, I am always willing to go down on him, but he doesn't ever go down on me. And I said okay, and I wanted to talk to him separately about it and what's going on, and she was like, I just I don't understand that, Like we got along so well and he's so welcoming and he seems so um. He seems to praise me all the time about my body and this ma, but I just don't get it. It It makes me feel bad. So I get him alone, as I tend to do. I seem to do both couples and individual sessions. Um. And he says, my wife works out three or four times a week and showers maybe once m and I couldn't believe it. I was like, oh, you mean, like she doesn't wash her hair but once She's like, no, she does not shower work except for maybe once and I said, have you ever shared with her that you would like for her to shower more? And he said, well, the one time that I brought it up, she said it was bad for her skin, and that you know that that's not fair that she shouldn't have to, you know, have dry skin because he wants her to shower more. I I was like, okay, all right, now, I know that that that that I also have to question myself. Well, okay, I'm the kind of person who washes my hair every single day because if I sweat, I'm going to wash everything. But that's not how everybody is. So I know that I have to say, okay, well let me let me talk to her now to figure out what it is that's going on with her, because I certainly don't want to, you know, push my own ideas about what cleanliness should be like. So I talked to her about it and I said, you know, um our genitals and I had to kind of explain, like our genitals they have like the self cleaning mechanism as women, but if you're working out as much as you do, you are creating more oils, you're creating sweat, and if you have hair, it gets the smells get trapped in there and it can be very musty. And so I just thought out told her as this quote unquote sex expert, are going to have a man's mouth on your genitalia on your bulba, you are going to have to clean it and and you know what you said, Oh I can do that. Well that makes sense. I'm a little a sudden, got a little shit tongue tied on that one. No, but it's true. I get, I mean, this happened, you know, it's I guess I'm in a personal share for a second. But when I was pregnant with my first child, um, my husband was constantly paranoid that he was going to touch the baby while we were having sex. Why yeah, And I was like, I'm telling you, you're good, you know. But it took us actually going to my O B G Y N and saying like, hey, can you please tell Edwin that this is completely safe and you know, and and then everything kind of shifted. But because you know, there's just so many factors, like then I was put on bed rest and all of these things happened that like can keep triggering these worries like if you're spotting or if this happens or um, and you know kind of in this pregnancy. You know, I've been very lucky that I haven't been on better rest and spotting all these constant things. But like we had to like have that conversation again with the doctor. It was like Dr Goldberg, can you please explain Lane that everything safe, everything's good, and now it's been great. But without that knowledge, it's in the back of his head or even during he'd be like is this okay? Do you think this is fine? I did my doctoral project on maintaining sexual intimacy during pregnancy, so I actually had to creative video that had like all the diagrams of showing like Okay, this is your penis and this is all the space in between, um. And even then some men would still come out of my project like but but but really, really, I'm like, you're not that long and even if you were here, there's lots of protection there. Um. But it's But it's interesting because even with kind of sharing with with this one client in particular, hey, you know, I think you'll need to wash in order to make everything go better. It wasn't that I wanted her to be ashamed of her smell. It was that I wanted her to be O where of that and aware of his preferences, and wasn't that way whenever she was making a choice. Hey, I'm not going to shower tonight. She also didn't feel blindsided by the fact that he wasn't going to be maybe as enthusiastic about going down on her that night. I'm curious, did you change? Did you shirt showering change? Here? Did success? So? Oh my gosh, we have to take a little break. Can I Can I get you right back in in a couple of minutes to ask a couple ask questions? Of course? All right, we're back. I know we're running out of time. Of course I have like a million more questions to ask you, but let's just do a couple more. Um, the first one is my husband, not me personally. Sorry, UM, somebody's asking me their husband consistently wants to have anal sex but she does not like it. Where do you go from there? So she assuming she says she doesn't like it, but that that could mean that she's either tried it and it wasn't pleasurable, or she hasn't tried it because she doesn't really like the idea of it, or she's concerned that it won't be pleasurable. Um, if you have a partner who is willing to do the physical and emotional preparation that it takes in order to get to have a pleasurable anal sexual experience, I say let's talk about it, because if you are if you do have a partner who's willing to do all the prep and it takes a lot of preparation, it could take weeks, it could take months. Then if you have a partner who's willing to hold your hand through it, and both of you can explore that. Obviously I'm partial to people doing that with me as a sex therapist, but there are you know, some there's some information online that's very helpful. There are books and videos that are very helpful. If they're willing to do all that and you're will it's almost like kind of liking it to the fact that you know you're pregnant right now. I've also had two kids myself. The idea of something coming out of you or of your body being able to handle the experience when you're four weeks pregnant is very different emotionally and physically than when you're thirty six weeks pregnant, all of a sudden, you're like, Okay, my body, I've seen the changes that my body has gone through. I've looked at the videos, I've read the stories. I've experienced it, you know, in different ways. You have to remember that this is a process. This is not a let's try this out tonight. If you can create an experience where your body can accommodate, then you have the option of maybe even experiencing pleasure. But a lot of women won't even go there because they've heard a lot of myths or they're scared. And UM, I think that it's worth thinking about and considering very strongly. If you have a partner who is patient, who is willing to let you take the lead, and who isn't going to be pushy, all right, I can accept that answer. I can accept that answer. Um, where should somebody go to research this? So there? Um, that's interesting, you say, let me see if I can plan it like you do is I'll post about it whenever you Postum, whenever you post this, I'll post some links and kind of do like a little link thing. Um. People are gonna be like, oh, why is that doctor really posting a bunch of people. Know, we'll see if we can do that, maybe on a story or something, but it's for a lot of people it's a straight up no, not gonna happen, and they can't understand why anybody would want that to happen. But if you as a couple are trying to experience pasure in different ways, it is a really valid um, a valid choice to explore that part of your body. But you must do it carefully and very conscientiously. That makes a lot of sense. Um. And then this last one that's involving you know, a listener question is I think about other people while having sex with my husband. What does that mean? Are we in trouble? Okay, if it's the only way you're able to get off, you may be in a little bit of trouble. And a lot of that is because you are no longer associating your partner with your pleasure. So if you have trouble getting back into being able to consider your partner as your fantasy subject, um, seek some help and don't don't continue doing that. Wait, um, you know, see if you see if you can think about your partner and get off, and if you can't, get some help with it, but don't continue to do what you've been doing, which is training your body and your brain to respond to someone else. Does the same. Go for sex dreams. You can't control sex, Sonnekle of Joy for you know, you can't control that. But your fantasy file should should be with somebody that you can actually be with and can experience that with, and truth be told, you would probably want your partner to do the same. I mean, now I have to dig into a personal question. I need to know a little bit more about married at First Sight how it works, Like can you give us a little juice on that? Absolutely? And actually now it's the time to to really check in on on the episodes because they're going to be talking more about intimacy and that sort of thing. But Married at First Sight is this radical arranged marriage experiment. It is we really try to get at the best, most compatible couples from our singles and we create hopefully long lasting marriages from that. Now, what we do is we do all bunch of research, all sorts of testing, all sorts of questionnaires. We put these people through the ringer, and then if we're able to find them a match, we will match them We have five couples this season who we believe are very well matched. And then what happens is they get married, and they meet and get legally married at the Altar, and then they go on this eight week experiment and this is their chance to really get to know why they are compatible, how they're compatible, and um get them started on a lifelong marriage. Now, the TV aspect of it, and the part that I love about it is that you get to learn how people do well in relationships, but also how can they can self sabotaged Because the people that we see singles, we hope are going to be the people that they are when they're coupled up, but that isn't always the case. And sometimes it takes people going through the wringer to get to a place where they are doing well, and other people just fall off. So, I mean, it's kind of crazy, it's this roller poster. But if you're really committed to marriage and you're really committed to finding out why this person is the best match for you, then they do really well and they you know, we have lots of lots of couples um, and we have babies who have come out of the show, so it's it's a really really interesting, unique experience. I cannot wait to keep tuning in now that it's getting to the intimacy part. And we appreciate you so much for coming on the show and digging a little deeper. I could ask you a million more questions. UM, that's a part two or part three. I know we have to dig into more. UM. If you guys want to find out more about Dr viv you can find out at Dr Viviana dot com. Thank you so much, Thank you, take care right. Thanks for listening this week to teddy te Pod. Please continue to send in your questions. I love it. UM. Next week we are digging into the good, the bad, and the ugly of pregnancy. I mean that is, if I'm still pregnant next week. So UM, send in your questions. I look forward to doing it and I'll talk to you guys soon. Happy Valentine's Day. Thanks for listening. Subscribe to teddy te Pod on I Hear Radio or wherever you listen to podcasts.