February is the month of love. Teddi and her panel of love experts are here to help us understand love, romance, relationships and sex. Can they solve our heartbreak and heartache, lack of sex, and love problems in time for Valentine's Day? Teddi has the answers to give you the love story you want!
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This is Teddy Teapod. Hi, guys, welcome back to this week's Teddy Teapod. It's almost a Valentine's Day, It's the month of February, so I mean, why not talk about sex and intimacy? I mean, plus, I'm a million years pregnant. I mean, aren't I the perfect one to discuss it considering I'm like breathing heavy just sitting here talking into this microphone. So I am bringing on Jenny Marie Battistin. Did I say it right? You know what I'm already crushing today? Um. She is a licensed marriage family therapist. She speaks about foundational romance, how to continuously learn about each other, keeping your relationship noon exciting, Tainted love that makes me immediately think about the song Tainted Love. Okay, anyways, I want to saying for you guys. Um, no romance after baby dating this Valentine's Day, infatuation, juicy, and new rules for dating apps. Let's break down some of these bullet points. I'm kind of I need to know new rules for dating apps? Okay, what are they? Well, don't be so quick to swipe left. Just don't judge based on their appearance. Read through their app, their profile, and see is there something more there explored a little bit deeper. You might be swiping left on someone who really is a solid individual and has something that really could be a relationship that could be the relationships of all relationships. Uh, don't wait too long for that first date. You ever get caught in that time where you're like having so much fun sending back witty little things through the app and you know, exploring a conversation. There's all these fun sparks that's going, but you never get to that first date. It's because it died out right, It dies out, Yeah, and then all of a sudden they've ghosted you before long. So within a week and a half, you really should be meeting up at that point, even if it is for the you know, coffee date, which you know, I don't really particularly care for the coffee date. Do something a little bit different. Oh so what tell me? Tell me why no coffee date? You know it's such a cliche. Be a little bit creative, Show your creative side, show your fun side. You know, meet up at the dog park, Go to a bookstore and peruse what books you enjoy. Uh, meet up at a gallery, look at some artwork. Do something a little bit more fun, go roller skating? Why not? And how do you know if a dating app just like doesn't work for you? Yeah, you know, it's so hard. You got to be um more in that organic world. So means you've got to get out there and be in the organic world. Go join a club or an organization that you're passionate about. You're gonna find someone who's passionate about it. Or you like rock climbing, go to one of the rock climbing clubs. You like hiking, join a hiking group. Find something that's going to be an interest you enjoy that. You could find a partner. So good ideas? Um, okay, No romance after baby. How to maintain intimacy and close communication after children? Yeah, you know. Remembering to say I love you every day and have those moments of partying and reunions each day, even if you just grab each other for that twenty second hug before you leave in the morning and when you come back, are really important. Surprise each other with little romantic gifts or little romantic notes. I love when you hide a little note maybe in the bathroom or throw it in their briefcase or their purse. You know, let's show your partner you're thinking about them. Um, you know, throw one in where the diapers are, so when you're out getting the diaper you find a little note. It's like from your partner. Fun, Oh, that's I recently did this. You guys, don't be shocked. But the other day, my husband was really like just you know, he was having truthfully, I mean, he was really sad about Kobe and I. He was like, I'd never seen him cry so much. And I just left him a little note like with next to his breakfast and I had to rush off with the kids and go to work and whatnot. And I was like, you know, I didn't really think much of it. I just was like, love you. I had to miss you this morning. I'm really thinking about you. I really appreciate you, and you know, I'm sorry that that you're really sad. This is heartbreaking. And but that night he brought it up, he was like, hey, just so you know, I really appreciated that note today. And so it's crazy what just something so small could really mean to somebody. So like, if you're having that moment, and it really, I mean, it really took me thirty seconds could really touch somebody. So like, let's remember to keep doing that. I mean, guys, don't get me wrong, I don't do that often. I needed to do it a lot more. And like I was writing down notes as you were giving me the other information. But I did accomplish one goal. So I just you know, I had to self brag about it. Um, okay, tainted love? What to find the truly toxic relationship? Yes, you know. I think the biggest thing is are you thinking about that person and you know, trying to meet their dreams and they're not thinking about yours? Um, are you uh constantly compromising in an unhealthy way? You're always giving yourself and there's no healthy compromise. That's a problem. You know, if you're putting your dreams, your hopes to the side. Uh, you're always going to doing their activities or you know, let's say they do agree to go do an activity with you, but they're soaking the the worst that's the worst worst, like go kick rocks. I don't want to be around you with your bad behavior. Well, I know we have to take a little break and then we've had to come back and we have so many good listener questions. We have lots of listener questions and just some are for me, and I want you to kind of diagnose me as we're going through because obviously I'm a little bit crazy. Um okay, So the first listener question is how many times have I been in love? I would say that I have. There are four people that stand out in my life of maybe maybe love. My high school boyfriend. I don't know if I was actually in love with him. I mean we would like do drive by his house to like see if he was home from football practice, or like we wrote love notes, or like he would leave mentos in my locker and if he didn't, we were in a fight. I mean those types of things, like very young whatever. I don't know if that's necessarily love or not, but it's a memory of lie those times. There was one person when I first moved out to Los Angeles. He was like a b actor and he was like the first guy that I thought broke my heart. I wasn't really in love. I wasn't in love with him. I mean, he definitely was not in love with me, but like it was the first time that I remember being like, wow, that really hurt, Like I got ditched at a party and he went like hooked up with somebody else. And I remember being like that scarred me for like a good year. Oh that's the worst. That's the word. So that. And then I was married before my husband, and I do know that I was in love with him. I think I was in love with him more of like as a friend. Um. And then my husband that I have now edwin UM. But I think they're all different kinds of love. Is that true? Absolutely, there's all kinds of different love. And you know, I think Valentine's Day is that time that we think of Cupid's arrow. It's that fun love, that passionate love, that type of love that you're like, I can't wait till I see you, But what's in our seeing? Sometimes that's not the love that lasts. For instance, when you were talking about the drive buys, you know, when you're obsessed by someone and you're driving by and you're thinking about them every moment and you think they meet every quality that you've ever had had on a checklist. Might just be Cupid arro for a moment, right, I mean, but I don't I don't know if it was necessarily obsessed. It was like all of my girlfriends who would get in each other's cars like inner cheerleading outfits, and we'd be like, I wonder if the guys are home from practice, dad, and they haven't. They haven't page me. My maroon page hasn't gone off yet. But it was more like fun, and I think it was just the first idea of having like a crush on somebody. Yeah, I mean crushes are fun. Obviously, puppy love is fun. But what will really last over time is something where there's reciprocal relationships. So he's thinking about you too. You are getting that text message, you are getting that page. Who do you How do you think somebody knows if they're if it's the real, right kind of love. Well, you know, something that is high quality, is well built, and there's going to be a foundation that's there. They've really taken a chance to get to know you, get to know all your ins and outs, see you the good, the bad, the ugly moment, and still really appreciate you in those moments. So that takes time and it's not something that's going to happen in just a couple of weeks. And what do you think a good way to show somebody love is the right way. Yeah, it's getting to know them by asking those open ended questions to really know their internal world, their hopes, their dreams, to you know, find a little bit of the fun, the favorites. You know, ask those fun questions of if you had five million dollars, what would you do first? Um, To really kind of understand what's important to them, their values. So step outside of the box, step out of the norm of the types of questions that you talk about with it gets home from work and yes, and kind of keep it interesting, all right, makes sense? And do you think that people can fall out of love? And what do you do like For example, falling out of love when you're twenty isn't necessarily the biggest deal, But falling out of love when you're married and you have four kids, that's a bigger deal. So, I mean, how how do you start to know if you're falling out of love? And are you really falling out of love or do you just not want to do the work on trying to work on your relationship. I think a lot of people don't know how to do the work. They haven't had either a good example growing up or other relationships around them. Um, they sometimes think if you have to work this hard, that maybe it's not right. But anything that's built to last is going to take work really investing each other and prioritizing your relationship. And it's difficult after kids, and four kids is a lot. It's a lot to juggle, but to remember who your partner is and set aside that time I'm to continue to get to know them, continue to explore the world and have conversations that are just beyond hey, what happened at work today. Well so if you but if you're not in a situation where you have kids and you're married and you're oftentimes what you see and especially like in this newer generation of people in relationships or situation ships that I've heard about, which is like where you have one foot in, one foot out. You don't want them to date anybody else, but then you don't necessarily want to be exclusive with them. How do you know if that person is worth it? Like, how do you know if it's time to make that next step? Or like, how do you know if it's time to call it quits? Because oftentimes I'm saying a lot, especially with like some of my younger friends they are making up and breaking up like crazy, and so how do how do you know? Yeah, are you interested in similar dreams? Do you want to help each other accomplish those dreams? Are you interested in finding, hey, what do we have in common and how can we build that together? Um, Relationships that have a similar dream are ones that are typically going to go to the distance. And in the beginning infatuation, you just think they're cute, you know, and you think they're kind of adorable, but you don't kind of go beyond there to find out and explore what are we going to build in this life together? Right? And but I think sometimes you know, you don't necessarily know your dreams when you meet your partner and also being able to work together as you both grow. I think I will sometimes see one person and I mean my husband and I have struggled with this in the past, where one of us is growing faster than the other and we're having a hard time meeting eye to eye because the other one isn't kind of I don't know, I'm trying to think of the way it is like there was a time when I was really struggling in my life and I was a us like bringing him down like I would bring my negative, negative energy into our relationship and was looking to him to make me feel better versus taking action for myself. And it was something that was like a big wake up call for me, and I started watching our sex life everything getting better when I started taking action and feeling good. But I think it's hard to know because we get into such a negative headspace when it really is us. Yes, well, there is a really good balance between still maintaining who we are as an individual and not wrapping our entire life into that other person and expecting them to fulfill us for everything that we are doing some of our own personal fulfillment, and we are exploring our own dreams, but then we're also talking about that dream with our partner and sharing and they become our cheerleader and they root us on for those things. But we also have to do a healthy balance of rooting our own self on. And how do you know, Like, how can we tell our listeners like, no matter how much you're rooting yourself on, like your partner is not coming on to on to play with you, like he is not there for you. How do you like, how do you know it's time? No? Yeah, so if we're sorry to get into you know, what I would call more of a toxic relationship with a person is more self absorbed. They're thinking about their selves. They're not asking about your dreams. They are, you know, one upping you. Maybe even you come home and you're like, I've had this terrible day, and then they launched immediately into their terrible day. They're not able to reflect and stay with you and stay in that place of understanding your experience for the day. Um, they're not really interested in you as a person going and growing. That's a good point, all right. I like that. I like that. Um. The next one for me was, what was the first thing I noticed about my partner? Okay, well, I mean, I gotta be really honest here, and I don't. I can't take the judgment. I can't take the judgment. I don't really remember meeting my husband super well. I was like tipsy entering a nightclub. He I was walking in, he was walking out. I don't necessarily remember this part, but I guess he like did a turnaround and like walked in and asked me if, um, he could buy me a drink? Um, And you know what the rest was history on night one. But the next morning I woke up and I'm like, oh, code red, Like my alarm went off at five forty. Had to be at work, and I remembering, like, you need to get out of here, like this is like by like I was recently divorced. I'm like, we we gotta go. I'm like, Edward, let's move there and lose it, buddy, come on, and um he was like, well, I mean you gotta it was like before Uber's. So he's like, well, can you drive me to a Starbucks so I can get like a taxi from an easier place, And I remember the entire time that we were driving, we were laughing, and so that's my first real memory. Is like that next day where I'm like a disaster having to go to work at six am, and I'm kind of just like teasing him, like he had a ponytail at the time and like leather pants on, not kidding, And I was like, honestly, you are so not my type, Like how did this happen? He was like I don't know, must have been the drunks, you know, like whatever, But he could take a joke and laugh with me, and then he would tease me back in that moment, I was like, Okay, I don't know what this is going to turn into, but this morning was fun. And I like a person that can laugh and like take I can get kind of serious sometimes, and he can like make a situation fund for me. So for me, that's what I first noticed about my partner. I love that he made you laugh. I mean we need that because someday all the you know, when we're old and wrinkly, we need that person who can still make us laugh and like not he wasn't like taking himself too seriously. So for me, like, those are things that I realized I really like in somebody because life can be very serious sometimes and like, yes, we want to have those serious conversations, and yes we can, but at the end of the day, when like stuff is out of our control, you want somebody that's gonna be able to like smile or tell you a joke or like laugh at your joke and you're like, okay, all right, life's okay. So that's my long slash short answer. Um, how many partners have I had in the past? Excuse me? What a certain number for someone else to be a deal breaker? Um? I'm not going to share my number. People can be a little judge. Um, but I it's not the lowest number in the world, is not the biggest number in the world. UM, but I do know that. UM. I told my husband my number. I don't know what it was like the beginning, and he asked, UM. I don't think he cared either way. And when I asked him his he was like, I don't know. I was like, well, whatever mindnumber is now is like definitely better than yours. UM, but I don't know. For me, it's not necessarily a deal breaker. UM. But what are your thoughts on numbers? And people that are take that very seriously? Yeah, you know, everyone's so different, and I think it's finding someone who is open to talking about it. UM. I have a range of clients. I have clients that they have no numbers and they've purposely gone into life saying, you know what I want the one and only and that's it and that's what works for them. And then I have clients who said, you know, the number really doesn't matter to me, and other clients that are a little bit concerned about it. Is this person gonna see me as their last and only and be okay? With that. UM, So it's really finding someone who's open to dialoguing about it, comfortable about dialogue about it. I do know that Edwin said to me when I said my number, he goes, what every girl I've ever been with has told me. Three. I'm like, that's just the number they say. It sounds it sounds really good, but come on, um, but I think that's something. Yeah, truthfully, you talked through with your partner and you figure it out. And I can't even remember. I think it was I heard on Ryan Seacrest one morning about somebody talking about there was a couple that went out on a date, a blind date, and the guy never called the girl back, and he she thought they had a good date or if I'm if I'm getting this wrong, Easton, please step in. But he never called her back because she shared her number and her number was whatever, I'm gonna make it up ten and he was like, I could never see myself being with somebody that had been with ten people. So even though they had had a good date, um, it was like a total turn off for him. And then their conversation during it made me so awkward because the girls like kind of trying to be like, well, I'm happy with my number, Like, what's wrong with you that you're so judgmental that you can't get over it even though we had this date. So if that isn't somebody's mind, But like granted the guy, it's not. It's not like he'd never been with anybody. So how do you how do you justify that behavior if somebody, if one person is so particular about what a number maybe when they themselves don't follow the same standard. Well, it's it's fascinating because they were in a little bit of denial and uh, and they're a little bit one sided. So I would say run anyway, because he's not someone who's going to be open about talking about probably intimacy and sex later in the relationship. He's going to be very focused about him on his own self and that's not a good indicator anyway, and what he thinks he wants and what he wants to portray or whatever it's about. Image. Um, if I was with a guy and found out he was bisexual, would that change my feelings for him? I haven't ever, This hasn't ever come up for me, so I don't really have like an answer. I think I would consistently worry that my partner wasn't actually interested in me. I mean, just being completely honest. Um, I don't know. To me, it kind of goes in the same way of like threesomes or any kind of open relationship. I think I would just worry. It's it's an unknown to me. So why would you worry more about the bisexual piece versus just if you're in a relationship. You know, are you worrying they're going to think about another woman? No, I think I would worry that he actually wanted to be with a man and just wasn't. Like I don't know, I think that would I think that would worry me. Right Well, it really comes down to what they understand commitment is, and if they believe in a commitment long term relationship and they're with the person that they're with, why does it matter if they're male or female? Um, that they might have an interest in in the past. I agree with you, I know. I guess that's my own my own in security or I I don't know, I I see that's that one kind of stumped me. I don't I don't necessarily think I would be bothered, but I did read something in the press recently about a couple that was talking about it, and the girl had said in the media, you know, like I am this way, but I decided to settle with my husband, and that phrasing. I remember thinking like, well, I don't know that I wanted. That would make me feel bad. Well, I would agree settle. We don't want to settle anywhere, because that's not that's not a foundational, strong foundation to start or like I thought it was, would be a better idea to end up with this. It was something along those lines, But I remember reading it and thinking that wouldn't sit that great with me. Now that I would agree settled is not the right word, and choosing because it would it's maybe the better decision other people would think gets a better decision. You need to be confident in your own decision and your own choice of who do you see yourself building a life with. Yeah, so, I mean I don't have a definitive answer on that. If it were to ever come up in my life, we will talk about it and I'll give you my answer, but I can only do hypotheticals on that. Um, All right, what are your thoughts on porn? Is it okay for your spouse or partner to watch porn without you. Well, porn's an interesting one. It's a little bit challenging. It can spice some relationships up. But sometimes, you know, porn can be a little unrealistic. I don't know about you. I mean, you're in great shape, but maybe maybe you can stand on your head and put yourself in crazy positions. I like that you think that about me. But um, you know a lot of people what we see related in porn isn't always realistic and uh and so sometimes it can affect the relationship and uh and intimacy in the long term actually can suffer. Where if you can just explore with each other and have conversations about our sexuality and what we like, what we don't like, try fund things, bring fun games into the room, I think it's a lot healthier. Um, porn you know sometimes can start, you know, create a divide. It can create a divide. What if you're watching porn together, I mean, if you're watching it together, I guess it's a you know, somewhat similar to a type of a game and a role playing But why not just do it together? Why not create your own role play together? So if you're somebody who's kind of gotten into a situation in their relationship where it has gotten a little bit of it's staying the same. How do you branch out and learn about trying new things without I mean, what are what are some methods that people can kind of branch out from other than this unrealistic porn watching? Right, So I love um Dr John and Julie Gottman's work. Um. They have what's called that Got Sex Program UM. But one of the things they've built is an app. Of course there's an app for that, right, but their app, the gott Men card decks are fabulous because they have mild, medium, and spicy things you can do with your partner and questions to ask men about sex and questions to ask women about sex. Sometimes if we just can learn to talk about it, um, and we need a little guidance sometimes. I mean, we're pretty sexualized culture, but yet we have a hard time talking about sex and especially with our partners. Um. So the cards are really great because it will start the conversation. And I guess you fund activities to try out. And is it normal for sex drive to decrease over time? Yes? Sex drive can or hormones can impact that. However, if we're nurturing an emotional relationship with our partner, that tends to keep the sex drive you know, a little bit more connected. Do you often see that either men or women or does it not make a difference who has a higher sex drive based on gender? Yeah, you know, I certainly see couples all the time in my practice that the woman has a higher sex drive than the man. You know, it's not always the other way around. Yes, men sometimes have much higher sex drive, especially with women when we get you know, kids in the picture, our minds divided. Um, sometimes that can be affected or hormones can change effective, but it can be one. Is it common that, like your sex drive goes up when you're pregnant? Oh? Yes, I am like, it's ridiculous and it's like a situation and I'm like, and it's not even I mean, let's be there's no poor and work happening here. I mean, this is but I'm like, what is the problem. It'll be like mid day and I'm like, why am I thinking about this right now? You know, hormones are great, and hey, you're already pregnant, so you don't have to work, so it's free sex, you know. And then you get to menopause and sometimes you think this is Mother Nature's cruel thing because like your sex drive and you're in menopause as a woman, man game on every day walking through the door. I'm like come on, and they're like, wait, I'm tired. But you would think like it's my sex drive has increased more in my third trimester than it was in the first or second. So I'm like, what is this because I mean, I have to tell you it is hard for me to get up from this chair and walk to the restroom, So like, what is it about hormones that I'm just confused? Yeah? Well you know what. Also, we know that, you know, sex can help us go into labor later in life, so you think we like that's my like actual message. Like in my mind, I'm like, well, if I do this, then I'm gonna have an easier delivery. That's like my women's intuition happening. Yep, yep, all right, I'll take it. Um. So, what are some natural aphrodisiacs. Oh, there's lots of them out there? Is that bad that? I'm like, what's an google? I need to act? Will definition. Uh. You know the classics of course are oysters, chocolate. Um, there's some really fabulous Chinese herbs. Um. You know, I think that one of the biggest aphrodisiacs usually is communication, you know that sense, and it's feeling emotionally connected with the person to be truly seen. Um is probably one of the biggest aphrodis But then how comes sometimes makeup sex or hate sex is such a big deal, ah, because you know you've hopefully you've worked it out, and you feel like the other person finally understands why I was so upset, and then you throw a little bit of adrenaline, a little bit of testosterone in when we have a conflict, we're getting testosterone, and so yeah, we feel a little bit heated, and so we like to go at it afterwards. All right, Okay, Um, now this one I can actually kind of relate to because when I was really um struggling about how is feeling about myself and I was really having a lot of like like negative self talk. Um, this woman had written in I'm scared for my partner to see me naked, so I always have sex in the dark or with a T shirt. Do you think it's ruining it for him. Yeah. Well, you know, if we're not confident about our own body, you know, no matter what size we are, we're going to go through different sizes and certainly you know, unfortunately we live in a world that shows us perfect images all the time on Instagram, which we know are filtered. They're not always real. Um So, really being able to be comfortable with our own self and our own skin, you know, is important for our partner. And our partner you know, they've they're accepting us, they're loving us. That's the good, the bad, and the ugly moments of Hey, I take you no matter how you look. You know why I crazy in the morning time, you know, bad breath. I love you, you know, and it doesn't matter how you look. I'm connected to something deeper than this outer external well something that you said you just said, bad breath. So, I mean, I know some people who like their their morning sex people, but they will constantly say like oh my husband or my wife, like does it kill the moment to say like babe, can you go brush your teeth first? Well it doesn't, I mean, but really you want to have sex, but like you can't pop. I mean, I could kind of sympathize that, like maybe sometimes you'd want them to go for a quick freshion. Well, you know, listerine strips by your bad perfect for the morning. Pop that in roll over your You're a real problem solver. I like that. Okay, so breath strips, guys. Um, is there such thing as too much sex? What? Too much secks? No, so there's no. But how do you know if somebody's ranging on like a sex addiction. Okay, so if we're thinking about sex and we're not getting work done or we're popping into the bathroom at work, um, you know, hey might be a little bit you know, out of control and we might be a little bit on the addicted sign. But if if you have a partner who is constantly like riding you for sex, like every single day, they're like, oh, we're gonna have sex, We're gonna have sex, We're gonna have sex. Like I have friends who that has how their partner and they're like, yeah, it's flattering to a point, but at some point it's like, now you make me feel bad because I don't want to have sex two times a day, you know, ten years into marriage. Again goes back to the communication. What's going on that we're just focused on the sex piece versus our relationship piece, you know, And so if we can get underneath the surface. Yeah, we all have a sex drive and some have higher sex drives, but what's really going on that that's the most important part of our relationship versus building this life? Alright, So communication, guys, it's key. No matter we want to have it or not, we have to talk about it. Gets to the route this one all. So, I think a lot of us can can relate to. It's my wife always seems exhausted slash miserable after taking care of the kids all day when I get home from work and then wonders why I don't want to have sex with her? M hm. So what are some tools if they're I mean, believe me, when you're raising kids and you're exhausted and like, if you know, I can I can completely relate to this. Some days, like the last thing in your mind you want to like put on a fake smile and be like, hey, it was the best day ever. But what are some ways that you can kind of spice it up for your partner or how how can somebody even be self aware that they may be doing this. Yeah, well, you know this comes back to again, are we keeping the romance of our relationship alive in a healthy way? Are we creating and setting aside sacred time for our relationship? Are we making a time to have a date? You know, because if I know I have a date with my partner, I'm looking forward to that. Um. We think of when those dating years, you know, we would look about look at oh gosh, what outfit am I gonna wear? How am I gonna do my hair? Um? Where are we going to be going? There's excitement that's there. So if we're setting up in the week a sacred time that we're looking forward to, um, we're a little bit more excited when our partner gets home to talk about, Hey, what are we gonna do on our date this week? So they should schedule a date for their wife and that type of thing. I I work in a business health and wellness, and I help held people accountable to their health and fitness goals and people men will approach me on the street when they know what what I do, and they'll go, hey, can you help my wife? Hey, can you help my wife? She hasn't been feeling that good about herself and so it's affected our sex life where it's affected you know, her asking for that raise at work? Can you help her? I'm like, well, does your wife want to make a change. I can assure you if it's you pushing her, it's not gonna be I'm not going to be able to help her. I I'm actually going to drive a wedge in between your marriage. But she has to be ready. And oftentimes they'll say to me, well, how do we make her ready before our marriage fails? Because how do we make correctly? What is that answer? If somebody, you know, it's just kind of miserable, uncomfortable in their own skin and not feeling good, how do you, as a partner lift the other partner up by helping them make that change, but without pushing them and driving a wedge in your relationship? Oh my gosh. You know again, it's the It's the key word communication. It's talking about small things often and doing small things, you know, building a culture of appreciation, telling your partner, hey, I really appreciate how much you're there for our kids, or appreciate how much you are there for our relationship, respecting each other. Um again, talking about things that are not just about your relationship but finding out about their interests. But how do you if somebody says, like you know their husband, I feel miserable, I'm tired, I don't feel good. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror. What does a husband respond to keep the intimacy alive? Like, if my husband responds, will do something about it? I'd be like, go f yourself? You know? So what are some actual things they can say? How can I help? I love you just the way you are, but I see that you're not happy with your own self? How can I help? What can I do is there's something I can do on the weekend so you can get out and do something that brings joy to you. That is so instead of coming up with a solution, you ask how can I help? And then you're not trying to be a fixer. So good. We have to take a break on that, and then we're going to come back with uh Leela Darville, who empowers individuals to embrace their sexuality and discover their most authentic expression in sex. Hililu. Welcome to Teddy t pid Hi. Thanks for having me, Thanks so much for coming on. Do you mind telling our listeners a little bit about yourself. Sure, Yeah. Um, I'm Leadville and I'm a sexan intimacy coach and I'm also the hot of the host, one of the hosts of Intimate Knowledge, which is the podcast with books, book and maybe King Edmunds, and I work with predominantly women in my practice. I worked one on one and in workshops, um, and I really helped provide the tools for women to access their authentic expression in sex and whatever that is for them. Very cool. And I know you have a couple of kids yourself, right, I do. I'm a mom of two boys. I have a six year old and I have a two year old, and so um. Since becoming a mom, a lot of my work in the sexuality realm has been around it's the weaving in sexuality and motherhood, which is generally a topic that is um or not combined. Really, it was actually the number one question asked by my listeners was how to keep intimacy alive after kids? Yeah, I mean it's well, a lot of the time, what we're trying to do is reach back into into time to the way that it was before we had children. Um. And the thing is we're just when we become one, so many things shift in the relationship dynamic, but also just with our personal identity and socially. I really feel that motherhood and sexuality isn't intertwined um, and they kind of juxtaposed, and so it can be really difficult to integrate our sexual selves with our maternal sells. And that's the pro that kind of process um kind of flows out during motherhood and about the you're in process of motherhood, I feel, so, how do you keep the desire to be intimate with your significant other after kids, especially when you're busy or you're tired or what are some tips? Yeah? Absolutely, I mean brotherhood in the way that we do it today is completely can be completely overwhelming. I know for myself, I enter that kind of overwhelmed period a lot during my day. Feelings of like being touched out is a huge one when I like when you're breastfeeding or when you've got a little babe and they're always on you and when you go to the bathroom, So it can be overwhelming and there's just so many things to do, and so I looked at more when I when I talk about pleasure and really talking, I'll talk about pleasure in the moment, but pleasure as in things that feel good that it's self experience of enjoyment. And I feel the more that we can anchor ourselves in that sense, that feeling of pleasure out our day, then these kind of things with the kids and the over one that we experience with the way that we mother become way more manageable. And so practice pleasure as an experience. Can you give me, Can you give me some like, I don't know, tips or suggestions on how to practice pleasure. Yeah, I mean it's always it comes back to sensuality. So it comes back to instead of like all these external things that are going on coming into your own body, occupying your body and having that felt experience of pleasure. So it could be just taking a moment to pause and just for a moment and feel the sun kind of hit your skin and the experience of doubt, or taking your shower and really absorbing yourself in the joy of having a shower and that moment to yourself, and then when you go back into engaging externally with your kids and with your with your partner, becomes much more manageable. So it's just a pleasure as experienced as a practice. Right, that does make sense. Yeah, And it's not like because I'm always afraid to give especially moms another thing to do on they're they're busy to do list throughout their days, and so it really is just taking these small moments to take address and be with ourselves and be occupieding in our body rather than doing all the stuff and especially to do. And especially if you've fallen out of the pattern of like having consistent, you know, spontaneous sex with your partner, how do you get back into it? You know, you can almost start to fall like it almost becomes like the uncomfortable because it's been a while or now each continent, So how do you work through that? So I have to say with this one, it's I think we have to recognize just how we are mother these days where we don't don't A lot of us don't have a lot of support um and so it can be a very isolating experience. And so I feel like mothers definitely need more more support or some foremost um and when it comes to their partners, I don't think I really don't feel there's enough of a conversation around how um we heal after birth. And so there's this expert like, for instance, when I was having a baby, I was told, after six weeks, you can now have penetrative sex, and and that's all all of the conversation that I had was around, oh yeah, just just wait six weeks and you'll be fine. But there's there's so many other things that play UM and and so one of the one thing that I usually tell for women because they usually when they engage with their partner and the intimacy, they feel that it's going in one direction, which is usually sex equals intercourse. And after becoming a mom, it can be UM that may not be desirable, like they can be you still healing, it could be birth trauma UM that just feels like too much, just too much for our systems. And so I a lot of the time with new mums or even mums that just haven't healed from or birth experience fully as they take pennotation off the table. So that's engaging with your partner intimately and in sexual place that isn't gold, but that doesn't have an agenda, but it's not going from A to B to C and then we end in connotation. So that's a huge one is creating this um space for play and for curiosity that isn't goal oriented, but isn't going to anyone particular place. Because a lot of women when they become nuns or are in the mothering, it's um. It's like any kind kind of touch that he is going in that direction they don't want. I don't know if you have that experience, but for me, it's like sometimes I can just feel completely touched out, completely spent, and then to be giving of myself in that way with my partner it's just like another place where I'm giving. So so the most important thing is to create a space where it's just where you're saving that's something that feels really good and nourishing to you. And sometimes it doesn't look like having sex that's we've known it to be before. So it's kind of opening your eyes to new possibilities and changing things up absolutely. And what about if it's has nothing to do with kids and you're just in a sex route with your partner, Well with this with the sex, I also think it's the same kind of thing. It's like, well, whatever is on off that isn't it desirable anymore? And usually we have a default insects, Like we know what's going to happen. We know the play m we know the route that you really go to orgasm or how he gets off for um or how our partners you know, wants their pleasure. And so when we love, like I kind of liken it to go into Paris. Like imagine if all you did every time you went to Paris you went to see the Useles paler Um, which is the act car of the moaning. It's great, but after the tense or certain time or going to the gisle's power adjust to the ass to tell every single time that one route it becomes less desirable, Like you have less of an inclination to ever want to go to Paris because you know what that experience is going to be. So it's about broadening the possibility in the sexual experience. How does somebody do that? Like if if if they're in a place where they've done the same thing for fifteen years with their partner and now they want to start to broaden, how do you even start that conversation? What are things that you do? Like, what are actual tools to make those changes? Yeah, having like communicating is one of the biggest hurdles to create eating the experiences that we want. Um, this is I'm The reasons I love the podcast that I'm doing as well is because it cracks open that conversation and also takes sex out of the taboo. And also people can listen to other people's stories about what they're experiencing sexually and they don't feel so alone. So it's and it's not so shameful to be experiencing what you're experiencing. So it kind of starts unraveled the shame spiral as well. And so often we don't communicate what we want with our partner because we're worried about how they're going to receive that information, so we're where we're going to hurt their feelings. Or if we say that we want it like X, or we want to try something new, then it means something about how we've been doing it for the past six fifteen years. Um. But again, it's really about bringing it into the realm of play. Like imagine if you wanted to learn how to tango dance, so you you put tango dance out in front of you as this, how can we get from here to here? And how can what steps do we need to take and what do we need to get a coach? Do we need to watch the videos? Like how could we learn how to tango dance together? And usually in a relationship that is in a sex right, both partners are aware of it um and it just needs to be spoken to. It's like all that needs to really be said is you know, I really want it to be better, like everybody. One thing I know for sure in my job is that everybody wants more than they're currently experiencing, whether even if they're having fantastic sex, they want to be experiencing more. So it's saying to your partner that you know, I really want this to be better. I want to desire sex more and getting on the same page as your partner is well. A lot of the times we feel like odds with our partner, like we're on opposite sides of a team. But when when you get down to it, both partners usually want each other with pleasures. They want to be in pleasure more, and they want to give pleasure more, and they want to um, they just want it to be great. So and most if we're talking about male partners, which I talk about of course with my female clients is that you know, they want our deepest expression of pleasure. That's all they're looking for. And so whatever is going to bring us the most pleasure, they're all. They're up for it. And and when we're have in these conversations with our male part partners, it's really important that it's an invitation. That it's not like you're doing this wrong and it's a criticism, so they're actually it's actually an invitation, like I want to discover what else is available in my body sexually? Can you help me do that? Most men I know put out their hands very quickly to be involved in that. Um. So that's in the of invitation. Yes, and it is, isn't it like if you're getting, if you're in more pleasure, your partner is actually going to be getting exactly what he what he wants, which is your authentic pleasure. And um, and then need more guidance. They want the invitations to be involved in it, and they want guidance because most of them are just kind of doing what they've done for with your with you, or doing something that they did with someone else's foot work, or doing something that's a very poorn So the more clues we can give to what's happening in our bodies. Um, that makes sense. What the next question actually makes me laugh? Um, is oral sex necessary? What are your stuff? Is it necessary? Because underneath but underneath that she's not loving it? Right? Yeah, I mean I know for some people is absolutely necessary and for other people it's not. UM. And I don't know if she's referring to the giving or receiving part of it. UM. And I know a lot of women I work with actually don't love or or sex because they're worried about how they look, how their volvers looks, or they're worried about how they smell um, or they're worried that their hair and they haven't showered or don't wax or whatever. And so they can be like a lot of existance to receiving or or sex because they don't feel comfortable enough in their bodies. And so that to me says that, okay, they need Then there's a little bit of self love and self acceptance and UM and maybe a little bit of re education around um, what volvers look like and that we're not we are so varied and different and what we see in the media and porn definitely isn't they represtive representation of what, um, the female anatomy looks like. Yeah, I mean like porn is how Instagram is to people's daily lives these days. It's like everybody, I say it lifestyle to one and what do you think the I mean, I hate to say the word average, but what do you think the standard amount of times it's healthy to have sex a week? Like? Is there that everybody don't know? It's so individual. You can ask and you can ask someone to say, oh, I'm having suck three times a week, and then someone else can say, I'm it's amazing, I'm having six three times. Like it's so varied and what our drive is and and also it's not a constant thing in our sexuality. It changes day to day over the time of space of a week. And you say for the last time, you know, we um, it really shi some changes through throughout lifetime and the seasons that we go through and the changes that we go through. So um, yeah, I don't think there is a normal. Well I know, I got a lot of heat. Um. Last year I said publicly that my husband and I like schedule sex, which I didn't really mean schedule sex but I met like we will kind of like give each other the face, like you know, like we'll know what's happening later, so we look forward to it. And people had this like huge reaction to it, like I can't believe youvend schedule sex and blah blah blah. And then it came up where my husband publicly said, they go, what's your favorite thing about your wife? And his response was she's very organized, and I was like, you know what, see it goes. I appreciate that I'm scheduling, but I mean that there really is the truth. I mean for me, I know it gives us like a little pep in our step if he's leaving for work or I'm leaving to drop off the kids, and like, I mean, it sounds cheesy, but one of one of us is like your mind later or like something like that, but just a kind of the tone for the day that like, it doesn't have to be a negative thing to let your partner know that you want them or you're interested in them exactly. I think a lot of the negativity would come from people who maybe don't have kids, don't run a business, and don't run a household, like you know, lives are very, very busy, and to think that sex is just going to spontaneously you've happen and amongst all that you're dealing with day to day, um, I think is a little bit um naive. Um. And also it's also kind of goes back to that idea of what people think great sex is. A lot of people think great sex is just like sex that kind of past them steamlessly, like like uninterrupted, where where somebody mores exactly what it is that you want and you don't have to communicate about it. It's like you know that it just has is continuous, slow, And I think great sex that actually is about connection and if you can facilitate that connection by harving out time a new day where you both know. Um, I think it's wonderful when everybody's different. I mean it's not. I don't think that great sex is just about sponsility. So okay, thank you for validating me right there. I really appreciate it. I at times when my life it's full and really busy, and my relationship and and second is obviously a priority in my life, then I prioritize it. And the way that I do that is carving out time. Yeah, well, how on that carving out time and being open and communicating. How do you communicate if you aren't sexually satisfied? Yeah, I mean I wouldn't go into it was like I'm not satisfied. UM. I would always offer first the invitation like I mentioned, but also UM suggestion UM, because it's it's not about just pointing out the problems, but it's also about saying it. This isn't new, this is this is me, This is this is me that I'm working is and I want you to be involved in it. And UM, I definitely feel that the more that we can and cre enter our own bodies and be in our own bodies and know what's happening in terms of our internal experience, UM, the better we can communicate that with our partner. So UM, I really love UM self pleasuring for this UM. Not as a way and oh this is my quickest path for orgasm, but when you're with your partner, you can kind of lead them and lean into sensation and that is really pleasurable. So I would say for this person to really develop a self pleasuring practice. UM. I have a really great one on my website if you want to check it out. UM, I wrote a fee book about it, and so I can send that to anyone who's really wanting to who's kind of stuck and not knowing how to discover your pleasure. Um and yeah, I really feel it is about knowing your own pleasure so that you can then communicate it with your partner, so you can properly communicate it, because nobody wants to be given advice but not actually told what they need to do. Yeah, I mean at least have be able to guide somebody within the physical sense. It's like imagine like getting but receiving a massage that the depression not being right or not being in the right spot and so being able to give that valuable feedback. Um, and being comfortable enough to give that feedback as you really know and are, like you're confident with your body enough to be able to communicate it is everything. Um Yeah, I think, like I said, many especially a male partners, need more clue to how your body operates and what feels good. They're kind of just stabbing in the dusk to have really, unless you can give the fever, they're just trying things on well, speaking to feedback, This next question is my partner likes to talk dirty, but it makes me uncomfortable because he's like a different person when he does it. Help he wants me to do it back. So if that's happening what so, Yeah, we spoke about this one our podcast to about dirty talk. I would say everybody has a different style, and um, it's he. If it's putting you off, I would just request that you would like to see that, yeah, that you would like for doing what it's talking Yeah, exactly. I would like you to do what you want to do to me rather than bang it out rad. I just want to say what that experience is black, um, and also to get comfortable with with dirty talk. Um. I definitely think vocalizing what's happening in your body is a really great way to be involved in the dirty talk without having to take it into like the daddy real like you know, like to give it to me daddy or do it like this now you know, like you don't have to go that far. I mean really just putting voice to what is happening in your body and what feels good. It's a really great way to participate with that. It's something that you feel comfortable work with, you know, No, I just want to say a lot of a lot of women have trouble articulating what they want sexually, and so a great way to kind of resource yourself is to listen to audio erotical um and hear how just to hear a story um played out with erotic language and kind of build your vocalory for for the con sensation. That's a great way. I know we have to take a little break, but this has been such good information for anybody who wants to learn more about self pleasuring practice. What is your website? My website is loving Lela l I l O Drema also loving Lela dot com. Okay, perfect, I say that again. So it's loving Lela l I l A dot com. Awesome. Yes, I'll have any book there. And also you can listen to me on Intimate Knowledge with Brooks Book and Megan King Edmonds when we talk about this stuff. Oh day, perfect, I love it. Thank you so much, Yeah, thank you so much, Sadie. Well you guys, I feel like I loved talking to Jenny and to Lela. They both had so much incredible info. If you guys want to find out more about them. Lela does a podcast called Intimate knowledge, which you can find wherever you look into podcast and then, um, Jenny not only helps you know relationships, she also helps kids and she has books two books called one called Mindfulness for Teens and the other one called The Mindfulness Journal for Teens. They're both available now. UM, I feel like for next week's podcast, I loved a lot of the information that we got today, but I want like tangible tools. I know we need to communicate better. How what do we say? What do we do? What are the next steps? So I am going to bring on specialist Dr Viv and We're going to get to the rest of your questions and I am going to dig deep on figuring out the actual tools that we need to get what we want to accomplish to a better sex and intimacy. Thanks for listening. Subscribe to any tea pot on radio or wherever you listen to podcasts.