#110 Mystery Turds, Christmas Tantrums And A Duct Taped Foot

Published Dec 3, 2024, 6:00 PM

Ash is crawling his way to the end of the year after slicing his foot during a dad activity. 

Matt has made a rookie parenting mistake with the girls by taking them on a Christmas shopping trip. 

Meanwhile, Matt and Ash's two eldest kids are causing their dads some grief after making a mess with bodily functions. 

Plus, we tackle your questions!

  • Do grandparents have a favourite grandchild?

  • How were you punished as a child?

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I've been going to the toilet before I go to bed. I go like twice, I prostate checked? Is that normal? Yeah, you're in your forties. Sorry, I saw an opportunity and I took it. Your wheezy laugh.

Like I just smoke a pack of sinkers in the way here. Do you do not get up at all at night?

I have been You need to get checked once, but also to check it for you. Yes, I panic because I drink no water during the day before I go to bed. I'm like, ah, better sculler. This is so weird. Telepathy is weird. Go on.

I was literally in the car on the way here drinking water, spiled it on myself and I thought to myself, I never see matt drinking water and.

It's waste time? Is it during the day? And then you've just gone and telling me that you don't. This is weird. Welcome back to two Dotting Dads. I am Mattie Jay and I'm as. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad and the relatable. And if you've come wanting any advice, Nah, Nah, you're silly goose. What are you doing? Nah? You've come to the wrong place, Ashton, you hobbled in.

I am so glad you asked me about that, because I thought I wanted to tell you.

First of all, life's relentless. I'm just gonna start with that. Life is relentless, especially especially this time of the year. It's been a long, corduous journey to get to December. I've got the back of your fatigue. What has layered into your situation that has pushed you over the edge.

I went home the other day after being I think I was here with you, and I had to stop in at Bunnings and get a tarp for mine. You skate ramp that I haven't say that again, A new skate ramp that I haven't home.

Oh wow, that's very relatable. It's just a two foot half part, okay, just relying my helicopter pad. It's not yet water for it. It's not.

I saw a storm rolling in from the west. I thought I better go and anyway.

So let's listen to yourself. Listen to talking about getting the cheapest tart for a piece of timber I have at the back of my rental property in Buddings. You're like, give it a gold tar. I noticed that this one's silver. I'm looking for the gold one.

Anyway, I was under the house looking for a hammer, and under the house is just a big concrete slab, and there happened to be a concrete nail sticking about half an inch out of the concrete. And I didn't see it, and I walked full stride into it with my left foot and it didn't stub my toe. It missed my toes and hit the ball of my foot, which then removed the layer of skin that is a callous?

Really is that what we call it? That's under your foot there, because you're walking on all the time.

Quite a thick piece of skin callousy. Removed it instantly like peeled, peeled. It heeled like it scalped me like an apple? Yes, like it scalped, not like an orange.

Was it one of those pains where you almost enter shock and you're like, it doesn't hurt quite yet? Did you were nervous to look at it?

I saw it was dark ish, I looked down, saw the clouds rolling in.

I was like, fuck, I need to fix this. No one's home. Can I ask you something when you injure yourself in that scenario, do you have a phrase, a word that you would throw out a kimba.

No, I'm like, fuck, if it's a toy and I step on a toy, I'm like oscar straight away, that's probably a toy.

Sorry, I ask her.

Anyway, So, no one's home, just me. I'm under the house. I've gone out, and you're going to get under the house if you go through the back door. So I went to go back around up to the back door of the house. That door has shut itself, hence locking me out. Meanwhile, I'm bleeding out here. I am bleeding.

Time is ticking. Time is ticking. Have we hit a main artery? We don't know. Is there a main artery in the foot? Yes, under the foot, under the foot at the bottom the achilles heel goes under the foot to a main artery to the ball.

Of your foot attached to that piece of skin that's now hanging.

Loose back on the bottom of the concrete nail. Yeah. So I am like hopping.

I had to hop around the whole backyard up the side. My calf muscle is huge now on my right side. Get up to the front, get through.

There's blood. It's like a crime scene. There's blood through the whole house.

I can't find any first aid in my house whatsoever.

My wife has.

Hidden everything we own because she thinks we live in a fucking museum. Anyway, I'm on the kitchen floor like clawing, like.

Dragging yourself around.

Like Lieutenant Dan, and I come across. I come across a roll of duct tape.

I put the skin up and duct tape the skin back to my foot and went downstairs and put that tarp up. Okay, not not. I want to give you praise. Thank you. First of all, very brave. You've a bread boy, very brave boy. Credit where credits due? Duct tape is quiet like, it's very adhesive. It's what you use to prepare a car.

Look, honestly, I just needed to stop the bleeding. It was like a tornic cake.

Yes, yeah, by any means necessary in an emergency.

I've come to the table with whatever. If you were to bleed out, like start bleeding out, I would just about sew my pubic care into something to stop the.

It would be real shame if they were like April, We're so sorry he didn't make it. If only I should use the duct tape that was meters away from where he died anyway, So and then you went back and you finished the job.

I went back, finished the job, and then I had about eight to ten beers ripped off the duct tape.

I needed the beers to rip up a duct tape? Did I was? I going to drink eight to ten beers anyway? Probably?

And then I got the alcohol wipes out, tried to give it a good clean up. Where were they in the end, Just in the top row, the only dreading look in the first one, to be fair, I was crawling, So I was just like whatever.

Drawer I could reach. Did you get angry at all? Of April and she came home? No, because I guessed the skateboard ramp, that's what you want? She not a fan? Was she on board with a purchase of the skateboard ramp? Pun on board? On board the skateboard ramp? Thank you? Was she only imagine right now now that people listening in hysterics. Oh yeah, they're like he's very good. That was very good. That was great. He doesn't even acknowledge his own parts. They're so common. Look, she wasn't. She was like whatever, Like, we've got the room at the moment, because you're like April, guess what big surprise. It's a news skateboarder.

And now that I have the skateboard ramp, I'm like, I really didn't need it.

I literally rolled up and down once or twice month.

The kids love it because they could push their cars and ship down to Oscar gets on the skateboard and rocks up on his knees and we'll get there.

We'll get there. We need to record at your house because I really want to try. We should record on the ramp. Yes. Actually, one thing that I've asked for from Laura for Christmas. Often, like the last few Christmases, I've said, don't get me anything. I don't need anything. I've got everything that I could ever want for in life, but get me a skateboard. That's what I've seen. You skate. You're good on the wheels. Yeah, yeah, bring it over. Thank you. A couple of silly boys on a ramp. Couple of silly I'm going to definitely injure myself. Yeah. Anyway, Laura listening right now would be like, oh fuck, can I also just just really quickly, I also have and this is weird. I'm injured the underneath of my left foot as well.

Bullshit, Before you do, tell me what happened. One other thing happened after that. I went up to check the mail and you see how steep my driveway is.

It's like everest. Yeah, and when it gets a bit wet, it gets a bit slippery. I slipped and fell down the driveway on the duct tape.

Yeah, everything, And I just laid there in the rain thinking about my life, just wailing.

Yeah I was. Remember, I was like, you came it down anyway. I hurt my hand. Look my hands are red, they're not very red. If I was you just flashed your hands anyway. I just I also mitted myself. And not to make it about me, because it's about you. But the cat escaped, fucking Ellie, my mom, who lives with us, by the way, left the door open and the cat, it's now almost one. The cat is just chomping to be outside, hates being inside. But it's a wild animal, bro, it's a wild animal. It's a wild domestic animal. And so when that door, the sliding door is a jar just millimeters, the cat's like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. B lines it.

And also the cat's quite fluffy, so you're got to keep it in consideration.

It's probably really skinned, dude, literally as wide as your finger. And you know, my mom's very slow. Love her, but now that she's seventy three, she's like a fucking sloth. She moves very, very hot.

She's like.

I was like Ellie the door and she's like, huh, what the fucking cat's out there? I try and get the cat as I run up this stairs. I kick the stair on the soft part of your the same bitch, yes, the same part, Yes, like twins. It's weird. It's really an inconvenience. We're here. Could be worse, could be a lot, a lot, a lot worse. Anyway, what's going on with you? The house run I was firing is doing very well. That's enough about that. We're very close. We're very close. It's it's towards the point end right now. It's been a long process, but we're going to miss the deadline of Christmas. We won't be in before.

Oh you won't be in the holiday house before Christmas.

So rich coming from you after your life. I was trying to waterproof the skate ramp, which, as you know, is difficult when you're walking acres across the paddock, so the house. We're down there pretty frequently at the moment. The last few weeks we've been down almost every single weekend. Yeah, it's a long way too, but exciting news. Flooring has gone down the kitchen as we speak. Ashton is being installed as we speak. I'm getting messages from the builder updates by the minute, and blessed cotton socks. Laura is like, is that the right thing we ordered? Is that? Veneer? Straight a very love it. But she's very she's very good, she's very particular. She's got a great eye attention to detail. This poor I'm at the stage where like, yes, we wanted we wanted like white and maron check floor tiles. If they were yellow, I'd be like, that's fine, we'll make it work. I just want to tick boxes. I want to make progress. I want to just get on with it. And the ramone you just showed me looked pretty good, really well. I showed you the laundry before and you showed zero fucking interest. Now it cares about laundries. That's my part. But last weekend we're down stay at my sister's place. We're a compound, which is the compound. It's a farm, little farm about fifteen minutes where our house is right so we're staying there. Just your next one aver because it so exactly. Laura even said, gosh, Molly's so good in that she's never had an accident, really that we can remember.

Why would she say that, Why you immediately touch all the wood around you, which there would have been plenty of trees on the farm, touched all four thousand Stupidly, I didn't even say anything.

I was just like, yeah, you're right, she's been really great. Literally two nights later, as she normally does, Molly wakes up, she comes into our bed in the middle of the night and it's a bit of a curse now, but she's always come to me first. Maybe it's because, like all good husbands, I'm on the side of the bed that's closest to the door to protect the family. What I'm on the furthest from the door in my bedroom. But that wasn't that wasn't my choice.

April's like, I think she wanted to be closer to the window because the window is probably more chance for someone coming through the window, you think, and getting through the front door, because if you heard them come through the front door, there'd be ample time for me to jump over.

But if someone came through the window, she's ever remember him. They come in the winter, they're gonna bash the window. To be honest, if an intruder came in, I'd give her up straight away, take her yours.

There's two kids, the boy for us, the little.

Girl doesn't talk. I normally try. Actually that's not true here home. In my face, I'm furtherest away from the front door as well off the bedroom door. But anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. So Marley comes in and I enjoy the cuddle. It's it's nice bonding and I feel you feel differently. You don't like Oscar cuddling at nighttime. That's because he just kicks me. He just squirm up, just has possessive dreams. I think, like the other one. He grabbed hold of my shoulders and was like, I was like, dude, just like what I'm like, get on me. He's fucking much. Did you ask him what he was dreaming about. Morley comes in and we have a cuddle, and in the middle of the night she stops and she pops up. She goes count to one, hundred, and I was like, what the fuck are you talking about in the middle of the night. I was like what, And then I was also like, do you know when sometimes climbing yet a bit hot? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, sweaty yeah. I was like, oh, it's bit clammy under these blankets. She had done the biggest piss. It was like someone had a bucket of water and I just pour. But you know when you're waking up and you kind of yeah, not quite like it's all warm and sweaty. Dude, that's pissed. I covered in my child's piss. What does the counter one hundred have to do with anything? I don't know. I was also like, what are you dreaming about? And she's like, I don't know. Numbers got excited and then I was like, did you piss yourself? And she's like no. I was like, who's done this, Laura? But it's three in the morning, so I'm not going to change bed sheets. You just stayed in it. No. I then me defend myself. Okay, sorry, yes, wow, I just Laura said my side drenched. Laura's side Sahara, Yeah, fine, I'm in the Amazon, so you'll just roll over on the Laura's side. Nor Laura's like, fuck off, get back on your side. Yeah what so what I did? Strip Marley naked, So I was like, you get back into bed, put a towel down on my side and just put two down. And Laura goes, there's not much whee, it's fine, just put a towel down. I have a quick shower, hop back into bed. Within three seconds, the pisses soaked through the towel. But I'm like, it's three in the morning. I'm so tired. I was like, this out of towels, this is fine. I just I just cap't it. Oh, that's not the first time you copped it.

Remember when you slept in Lola's bed and she pissed in it and you were just like, oh fuck it.

Yes, you're a trouper. I'm the pissed magnet.

You're a piss magnet. I can't believe she pissed on Yeah. See, Oscar usually comes into abbit either he can't sleep or just wants to come, or he's pissed the bed. So he's already pissed one bed. I'm pretty confident he's not going to piss our bed too, so he.

Just comes in already covered and pissed.

No, he changes himself a good boy, Oh, good lad, good boy, good lad that he will keep me up for the next six hours with his possessive dream. But yeah, getting pissed on.

Is brutal suck. It's not do you know what it's it's it's fuck.

Like Macy is still in nappies, but like, oh, when we're on the cruise ship, I took a nappy off or near the pool, Oh, just take it off for a sec.

But she won't.

We and like I picked her up one second and I'm like talking to someone and just straight and she just pissed all down my side and I was like thanks buddy, and she was I was like, did you wear She's like nope, got to say you did.

It's like rating. Then it sucks when it's not your house. Like if you're on a cruise ship and you're pissing in a bed, fine, And when you know someone else's house. I was like, oh, do I tell my sister massive favor of the fact that we're able to stay at her place whilst the house is being renow must be nice? And I was like, oh, do I tell her? Luckily, there's a protector on the bed, so the sheet. Did you wash the sheets? But I spoke to my sister and I'm like, I'm just gonna I washed the sheets. You know, I don't know when we're coming down next, and I'll just, you know, I'll make sure. She's like, no, no, I leave the sheets so mine it's fine. Who cares, doesn't come to it. And I was like, no, no, no, I'll wash the sheets. And then I was like, oh, she listened to this podcast and she'd be like, that little son of a pissing in my house, kissy sheets. There's nothing.

It's like when we when we went to the Central Coach, remember and Oscar spewed up in the bed on the last night.

I remember, That's right. What a nightmare.

Man.

It's not my house. I don't know where anything is.

I don't know where any spare linen is, if they've got any.

It was the last night.

It was like we had to get up and leave in the morning. It was just like so inconvenient.

Sleeping as a parent is just an absolute roll of the dice. Oh yeah, you never like this morning, dude, This morning Marley slept until eight o'clock. How did you thought it was dead? Do you think that no screen time has really helped all this? But then but then the day prior, she's up at five thirty and she's like, well, let's get the day started. And I'm like, my god, why are you so inconsistent? Yeah, just meet in the middle seven am. Beat me there said it. This morning, I was like, can you get out of But she was just a dead weight until eight o'clock. I would I wish my kids would sleep to like eight o'clock. Then it's then I'm running late. There's so much thinking done no, because I would literally get.

Out of bed an absolute lie, I say, thinking, I meant wenking, I would have way more mornings, just saying if they slept in.

But I was getting the way April would have sex in the morning whilst the kids are still sleep the anxiety. No one would you.

I'm just gonna say yes because it's never gonna happen. But I would just like have everything ready to be like out the door. So yeah, but like, yeah, I know you're always late when they sleep in a bit late, but like it is nice, like the kids work a couple of like quarters to seven this morning because they're not.

They're on no TV. Man, They're on no screen. There's no phones at all. No, how's it going?

I did accidentally wean them off the TV too. I'm like, kids, come and watch TV.

But they're like what's that? Yeah, they're like, what's this big square thing in the living room? So what are they do? Instead? What's bay blades? A bit noisy? Bay blades?

They're like little, Yeah, they spin like a spin top, but they're in like the stadium thing and your battle on?

Are you in on this? No? Just the kids? Get me some bay blades for Christmas.

I've also realized, like, if I want a bit more peace and quiet with the kids, because it's quite noisy in the plastic stadium thing and there's some of them are like metal.

Bro, is this the bay blades? Kids? And the baby. I'm like, just go to your room and play with the bay blades and it's like perfect.

And I'm like I've got the whole house to myself now because they're in there.

Like what has happened to you this morning?

The door was shut in the room and I was like, what the fucking I opened the door and they both.

Like it's a gladiator literally, Yeah, it's great. Scared the ship out of me. I think that might be Laura or a delivery. Where was I? April went away for the weekend. Where was she?

She went up to the Central Coast with the Mother's group, The Mom's lovely. Yes, it's had a very humble not a piss up like it was. The lads that'd be like they were in bed by eight o'clock.

I bet you they were like empty man cocaine fight and they're just like, oh, it was so humble. It was just a bi gorgy has come on. Sorry guys, Sorry, sorry, such a wholesome start.

Sorry sorry anyway, So I on the Sunday, I.

Took Oscar and Macy down to the beach solo. What a guy, What a guy? What a guy to meet another family because let me just retract that credit. Yeah, take a bay.

They're getting them there and they're getting them home. It's the hardest part, but we went. It was low tired, so we went looking for shells through the rocks at North Arabian.

There.

North Arabian is a suburb on the northern beach of Sydney in Australia.

On Earth, thank you in the milky way. Anyway, I feel like I'm there. Yeah, do you feel it? Do you feel the sea breeze? Oh? Yeah, lovely.

Oscar and I were collecting shells and the ones that sucked the rock or whatever.

I bring them home. Sorry what? Sorry? And excuse me? Sorry I stooped to your level for a second because you like the ones that sucked to the rocks. Yeah, I know, I know what you mean. It was sucked your peanut sucks at the end of your paint. I was like, why are the fifty shells cracked in half in the shower?

Why are they coming in? Carma, let's get back on track. And the poor listeners are like, fuck.

Me, what these two half about today? Anyway we went, I'm just going to cut this story to where it needs to be. We were looking for shells or whatever, crabs whatever or.

Bloodsuckers as Oscar calls, and where you put your finger in it, and they took.

I needed that. Did you mean to go there? No? But they're like they look like they look like Harry Arsehole's sweating. Okay, Uh.

Anyway, we're we're hunting through like the shelves of the rocks or whatever, and asked. He was like, spotted a shell, a shell what he thought was a shell, and.

He goes, Daddy, come over and look at this one.

And he turns around and he's holding a turd. What And it was a human tur because I had a little nut in it and I was like it and kicked it away and he was like, what is it? I was like, that was a ship. He was just like and then within two seconds he was just like, oh, there's another shell, Like just completely moved.

If I had picked up a.

Human poof traumatized for weeks, I would be so traumatized eyes.

But I was like it was a combination of this.

Is actually quite wholesome from me, this this little expedition.

Lovely core memories. Yeah, core memories were Hunt. Macey's in it. She's carrying around.

I lie when I say we had a bucket, because I couldn't find the sand buckets. So we're actually walking around with their plastic plates and they're plastic bowls that they usually eat out of. Mace's walking around with a plate and she's got like a bunch of different shells. It was lovely ruined by Oscar picking up a turn.

Nothing ruins the family day out, like human shit from someone else? Oh, like a random human shit. Oh yeah, it must have been a dog shit. Sure it was the consistency of a human pood washed up? Do you think washed up?

No?

I reckon someone's not long before us has gone and just on the rocks, done a quick squat and.

Shame on them. Yeah, that's like, that's terrible behavior. Maybe they were hoping the tiger come in a bit quicker. Actually, yeah, they're probably like it turns around and sees like a bunch of kids foraging. Oh shit, what are the odds? Really? Like? I was in the ocean pool once and there was a floating turd, you know, in a rock pool it's a good place for a ship. It was an ocean pool. People doing laps and said that's not good like a rock pool. And I couldn't get away from it, yeah, because it was following me. It followed me all the way in, and then people thought it was me. That's yeah, how did you get around that one? I just picked it up and took with it. I just was like, stop, wasn't the ruined by poop? Hey, I've got a story. If it's going to be about Santa Claus. Okay, So if there's any kids in the car with you right now and you're listening, get rid of them. Stop the car, don't stop the podcast for God. Put the kids out of the car and then listening, and you pick them up when the story is finished. We decided that we would get the kids bikes for Christmas. I'm listening what sort of bike? Like a push bike? So I'm going to get the motorbikes up until now Maley. We got Maley like the cheapest, like yeah you like out of them, and it was do you know what? The one from Kmart. They're great, they're cute, they're pink. They've got like streamers on the handlebars, like a little thing at the basket the front, a little a little seat for your dolly at the back. But they weigh a ton. They're not very functional really, they're so hard. The gears are so stiff. Well, the story of the chain, the single like you go backwards in.

A break, yes, the old chain and cog yeah you know what you know that's that's technical bike terms.

But Maley, because she's very she's very skinny, she's very weak. She could do like three rotations and even if it was dead flat. She could do three rotations and she'd be like, I can't go any further. So it was a night there for her to learn on. She's never learned how to ride a bike. Yeah, it's like April, it came up bikes. That's the problem. That's the problem. That's a problem. We should definitely have a time in the park where April's learning, and so is Marley and Oscar and Oscar all three of us. So I was like, we'll get we'll get a proper bike like still kids bike. We got a proper bike still, yeah, like lightweight, carbon fiber. And can I just say a bit of advice for anyone out there who's got younger kids that aren't yet toddlers. Don't ever mention something that will get the kids excited if it's further than two days away, like two days a one day is really your limit. Kids perception of time is just terrible.

Becus like how many sleeps? Yeah, I'm six six hundred sleeps?

Bro, And then five minutes later is like is it time yet? Yeah? Or every morning they're like how many sleeps was that? Okay?

How many times did you fall asleep last night? He's like, Michael, well, there's your answer. Your answer genius, idiots, these kids tell you what. So I thought that the trouble is I wasn't sure what's I mean. In hindsight, I should have just got a tape measure and just measure the kids. But but I thought it would be nice to go into a bike shop to try to, you know, to see the sizes, like sit on it with Marley, with Marley and Lola Oule. Jesus got the double kids on a Thursday. It's such a you are a very good father.

Thank you.

It is such a gaslight to taking them in to look at something and not actually getting it because they don't understand that content so stupid.

It's a nice teaching lesson if they're like I get if they understand I get it, We're just here to look and then go away and get it later. But I was saying to the kids, obviously I was trying to weave in the story of Santa as well, and I was saying, we're going to try the bikes, figure which one we want, and then we'll ride to Santa and let him know which bike that we want him to make it, because he's going to make them and they were like okay, yeah, yeah, we get that. We're on board. Good with his hands, this go very good with his hands claws, we as please we tried the bike sign. Lola's got her bike, little pink one also has streamers that she loves it, loves it. She's riding around the store. She's like this is this is good. I'm on board. Marla's got her bike. Not as keen as Lola, but still got her bike. She's like, picked it, sorded and I'm like, great, we'll get these two. Wink to the guy behind the counter. Make sure you tell Santa which one's we want. He was like yeah, gotcha. And then Lola was like still fixed on her bike and I'm like, come on, how we go and she's like no yeah. She's like I'm going to ride this home and I'm like, no, you can't. You can't ride home. We have to keep this one. This one is for the store only. And she's like, I don't care what that this this is a display model. What's what's that? My three year old's like, what the fun are you talking about? What the hell is a display model? And I was like, come on, we're going home now, both kids.

Just funny if she just started like haggling with guy, is the display model cheaper?

Take this one?

Can you throw on the training wheels? Yeah, get a helmet, we'll get it right now. But yeah, I had to I had to explain to the kids it's like nowhere, like just such a shit situation that I put myself.

In, I know, and like you try and use Santa to be like gott to be good up until this time. Because Sanna's coming soon. I think you need to just really harp on about soon.

It's But then they were like, well, when is Christmas? And I was like, it's like less than a month. And then the kids are like, what, I've got a hack for you?

Please you tell them every time they ask when it is, you tell me it gets a day further away.

Very good. Thank you just to come up with that on stay good. I just made that up. I like it. Thank you a lot. You can use it a lot. Trademark Can I trademark an idea? Please do on the phone. Let's go on the phone, Matthew. Yes, there was a debacle. I'll call it at KINDI during well at the start of this week, on.

The Monday morning, which is never good on a Monday morning. You want you want your week to smooth sailing. Yeah, and look, people, it's the tone for the rest of the week. Our Australian listeners are going to think about this, but our internationals.

I think we have any international listener, listener, I said, listener, yes, just the one.

Now, Monday morning comes around, Okay, Oscar goes to a India that's in quite a bushy area and I get there.

To drop Oscar off and the school's in lockdown. Shit, no one's allowed in over the weekend. A brown snake has found its way into the sand pit. Fuck, but that's there. What are they? They're they're like the top ten dollars.

They're like one of a lot of the deadly snakes in the world. And so they've gone into lockdown. This is what happened before I've got there, right, Like I sort of got there at the back end, and I have heard, like I could see that there was like a bit of a congregation of people. A lot of people were like, look, we haven't we're not telling the kids, like the adult snow the snake has been removed.

Do you think that's a good idea? Like to not tell the kids. Obviously you don't want to panic them. But don't you think anythink you should say, like, kids, snakes are dangerous. Yeah, but they did.

I think, like the education around snake is fine, but to be like, there was snake here, because they'll all be like, maybe there's more, you know, my scare them.

Okay.

I don't know if they had told them about that down the track. Evidently it turns out that they didn't. I got there and one of the other parents here, they're like, just they there was a brown snake in the sampit and I was like, I dropped oscar spotted who was the teachers? They do a morning look around like it's quite a.

Shout out to the earlier Yeah, shout out. I also just got to pay rise this week. Fifteen percent. Must be nice. Sorry, it must be nice to be able to feed your family. Fucking Lord, hang on a sex Sorry one sec God, Laura. Yes, okay, we're in the middle of a record. Thanks for the update. No, we faf a lot. Ten minutes. Ten minutes, Okay, I apologize today. Sorry everyone, I just want to say I'm sorry. I'll wrap this up. Snake story. Snakes, we haven't.

They haven't told the kids, all right, And then I've come back and April they've obviously posted it to the parents can see as well.

And I didn't know they didn't tell the kids. And I was later on that day Oscharo was home. He was sitting there, were drawing, and he go and I said, oh, how's the snake at school today?

And he's lit up. What I was like, there was a snake at school today? And he's like, and you didn't tell me. I was like, no, he goes, you didn't tell me, You didn't take a photo of it. You can take a phot I was like, I wasn't there, and he started to.

Cry because he wanted to see the snake. He wanted to see the snake. No, I said, that's the problem. That's the problem right now. You're going to make these kids scared of snakes.

Yes, but I was like, look if I'm like, if you do see a snake, just don't touch it. We have seen a snake.

But I April was like ash.

I was like, yeah, they're like they don't know. I was like, oh fuck, So he's probably gone the next day and told all these kids. So I've let it leak, but there was a snake, but he was so upset about it. But the reason I wanted to tell the story is because, first of all, I've never heard of this happening before. The second before, I wanted to shout out to the Kenny for their rapid response. Apparently they spotted the snake right, spotted the snake, had someone in collect.

It, and were able to open the gates at eight am. No wonder they're getting a pay Rice, absolutely, girl deserves also will take the opportunity right now to give a shout out to the snake catches of this country. They are the unsung heroes. They put their lives on the line. There's no fucking chance you could pay me any amount of money. I'm not going near one of those deadly snakes one wrong move. I mean, you and me, we're so accident prone. We would last less than a week catching snakes. Could you imagine? Oh? I could not, not not for me. We would shout out to the early educators. Yes, and the snake catches also deserving a pay Rice.

Yes, and I apologies to all of the kids that were not told about snake until Oscar told you at Kingdon The next day.

Ash, we have some listener questions before we wrap up, and Laura's about to come through any second. Ash each week that we ask the good people of this country, parents, nonparents, and to Greg. I want to listener over in the UK, they can ask us anything, anything that's on their mind, burning questions. They need our advice or opinion of You have a question ask that you want to start off with.

Ah, yes, I do have something I want to ask you. This one's from Louisa. But I also want to know the answer to this because I am curious. Do you think grandparents have a favorite grandchild?

Oh?

Okay, okay, Well I am living with Nana, my mother. We have two children, Maley and Lola. Really and I don't know a favorite, okay. Lola hates anyone that is not Laura. So in the mornings, Nana will wake up and if she says to the girls, good morning Marley, she gets good morning, Nana, I love you. To Lola, she goes good morning Lola, fuck off. She's like, don't touch me. Yeah, doesn't want a bar of her at all. So like because of that, Nana gravitates towards Marley.

What about with your sister's kids though, which out of all I'm talking about all of the grand kids.

I feel like Nana gets along with George, a bunch of troublemakers. I reckon. I think I think they have. There's the ones that are easier, there's the bond. Is the bond there though?

Like where it's like, I think the bonds there with all the kids, Like, is there one that they're like? And I'm going to tell you and this is probably gonna get me in trouble. I hardly have one sibling, unlike you have like twelve fifth, thirteen sibling sixteen.

Mum's a breeder, yeah she was. She was like a pig, just litter after litter after litter. Nice. You could have gone with a lot of other animals there, but you went with a pig, thank you. She was like she lived on a puppy farm. Yeah, she's a puppy.

I've got a sister who has one child, only child. Her name is Winnie.

That's my name, gorgeous Winny, Winnie, Love Winnie. She got some really cute glasses. She looks like a minion, yes, but with two eyes.

And Winnie just happens to be my mom's favorite and it's so obvious that I make so many jokes about it with the family.

What are the signs of her being the favorite? She pretty much would do anything for her.

I went to New Zealand with my sister, my brother in law, my niece, and my mom went for a wedding a couple of days.

April stayed home with the other two.

As my mum professed, and my mom carries around my knees like she's a trophy. The family had never met Winnie yet in New Zealand, the New Zealand family.

So we drove all the way.

Down and Mom's you know, giddy in the car and I'm like, oh, you can't wait to get down there and walk around with your trophy.

Show her off, show her off. Like this is like just like little things like don't get me wrong, my mum loves my kids too. I think.

She's like like since since since they've been down here a lot this year because of dad's health, they've bonded a lot more. But prior to that, my sister.

Can go to my mom, hey, can you fly down and babysit?

And she was like, oh, oh, we're on the next flight. And then I said to my mom like, hey, can you come down and babysit? She was like, I'll send you the invoice.

Do you think this is because who would you say was the favorite out of yourself and your sister with your mom? I thought, I thought, I thought I did you thought wrong? I'm sorry to tell you you're like, give me your answer wrong.

But like, look, I'm not offended by it.

I love to make jokes about it to make my mom feel a little bit bad. Is it a case of your kids going no, we have a story and she's like, don't touch me. No, it's more like freaks.

It's more like if we're out and mom's talking about her grandkids, she'll talk about Winnie.

She'd be like, Winnie is so cute.

This name is Winny Major anyway a little and I'm like, for fox sake, yesterday I had my kids in the car, had my mum in the car.

I'm in the car because I'm driving. Obviously that would be dangerous if I wasn't. And we went past the street that was called Winnie Street, and Mum nearly jumped out of the fucking cars. Look it's Winny Street. I was like, you know, I've got Oscar and Macy in the bat you know their names. Yeah, and she was like the other two, I think for sure. Okay, I'll put my hand up. I will not say who it is, but of my nieces and nephews, I definitely have a favorite. You have a favorite. I have a favorite. I have a favorite niece. You only have one so by default, But like I get it, some people are more likeable than others. I have a question for you. Okay, how did you actually get punished as a child when you were a young lad? A young lad many moons ago, because I was thinking about this, Actually, this is a question that I have been pondering since we last spoke.

Where both of the age where we were born and raised in the back end of the corporal punishment era.

Yes, I feel like after us, everyone got soft. I hate to say it back back in our day, but exactly, I used to get how we've ended up being normal, and I do. I love my mother. She's a saint, disclaimer God. She loved to beat us.

Oh man, my so my the wooden spoon was that it was definitely prominent in my house as a child, and I wasn't.

A good kid.

My sister never ever even got threatened with her. Actually, now i'm thinking about it, my sister was definitely the favorite. My sister was like very she was just such a good kid, and I was such a fucking pain in the art.

And they used to threaten me and and hit me with the wooden.

Spoon at any opportunity they could, essentially and once again disclaimed I love my parents.

Whenever I hear the cutlery drawer open, Laura can be going to get a spoon, and I'm like, oh, hiding under the day. It was like my dog when the storm's coming over. That's me. There's rattling of the forks and eyes and I'm like, it's coming.

I made the mistake of hiding the wooden spoon. Big mistake, my friend. It will go down as one of the biggest mistakes of my life doing that because I hit the wooden spoon. The repercussions of hiding the wooden spoon. Let me introduce you to the hard plastic spoon. Holy it's the chainsaws of fucking She got it out of the drawer and it had a soundtrack, and I was like, I felt the wrath of that heard plastic spoon.

If it makes you feel any better. She's not alone. We are not alone. I put the question out there on socials, and I will say, hey, just out of curiosity. The majority of people who follow us are of a similar age. We're in our thirties. Some of us are closer to forty. Me awful. I don't want to And I said, how did you get punished as a child? And the answers that I got were astounding. Okay, and these ones, like they are a little bit dark at times, but people all kind of caveat it and said, but I love my parents and I turned out fine, So this is not, in fact child abuse. Okay, disclaim on some of these answers made me feel a little bit better about my childhood. Actually take it away. Okay.

The first one, and again not a lot of information, so I don't know what they did with it. The first one is whyre hangar.

What that person said? They just said, but I love my mom.

It's funny though, because all of them said I love my parents. Wire hanger, Matt, I'm assuming that they got hit with.

A wire ham. Yeah, holy shit. This is kind of similar to the wooden spoon ash of the fly swatter that's minor league. My grandfather used to hit me with a fly swatter if I was going to get hit with anything. Pillow.

This one is and again I can't quite I'm trying to picture this in my head.

I got hit with a sprinkler. Go on.

It even makes a whipping sound when it's on the way to your house.

What. I've got a few people saying hose and I could imagine. I could imagine that would be a great whipper. Never had those myself, but I never had this ash as well. A lot of people they would have a type of punishment for swearing where you would get something put in your mouth. Soap okay, so people would say raw onion sandwiches or a mouthful of soap is one that we hurt a lot, pepper in the mouth, hot mustard clothes. Oh, for God's sake, buster to everyone listening, I'm sorry for all of the stuff up today that happens. Do you reckon these parents like it's generational right. They would have gotten that and passed it down Like I swear my mum would have been the wooden spoon. Yeah, yeah, I think that that. You've got to learn it from somewhere. Imagine being one of those families where one of the mustard families, they're the mustard people.

This one as well, like curry powder in the mouth, or ye soap in the mouth, tabasco in it, that's fucked. It's kind of like that old thing where it's like if you've got caught smoking, they're like, now smoke this.

Whole packet of cigarettes in front of me. Son, Like, what how about this? I shouldn't laugh, this person said, they said, and look I can laugh about it. But they used to get the cord of the electric fry pan. Oh I feel sick. Oh my god.

A few wooden spoon ones my mum knew was fuck when it snapped, it had nothing left. My mum had a different one for each child.

Larry the ladle once I made this mistake of saying that didn't hurt. Oh my god. Finally we have the metal whisk. I actually think I met a whisk would be fine. I med a whisk mostly by my friend's parents. Ha ha ha, what okay, we'll look, we should call the police. I'm just saying, you know you were in for it when you had a vein popping out for it. I do like when people gave names to someone said, there was Bernie the belt.

Larry the ladle is very good anyway, keeping coming in actually, and yet look at us, we're all fine driving, we're all fine.

Deep trauma. Yes, I don't need specifics, but but was there any punishment in your household?

Oh?

That's yes, what did you get hit with? That's the segment should be what did you get hit with with? Ah, the old band that's vintage.

Yeah, that's that's nice. That's og stuff. When it's like, I'm not even going to find something to hit you, I'm just going to hit you. And also like so quick and quick and swift.

Like sometimes it was. It was worse when you did something wrong and then there was that pause. There was that moment of dead space where you were waiting for your parents to go to the area where the item was held for me, the wooden spoon, hear the cutlery drawer open and then walk back over. You know, when you're and you're waiting for it to happen, bracing yourself.

The parents then loved making a ruckus in the drawer, like the anticipation oh yeah, and thinking they were dramatic, this is me giving you a head start, and the hunt was on.

Kids are kids don't know how lucky they are. You know, I'm going to do it. I'm going to go home.

We're going to hit Oscar with a utensil. I've been I just hit him with a pillow, little pillow. Fight ain't bad?

Is it? As I put soap in that pillow? People don't know that you're joking. I'm joking. This is a joke, full joke people. It's hard as your oscar. It's not a joke. Ash. You need to get out of here? Do I need to get out of here? The listeners need to think about the trauma that I've been through in their lives. If You've enjoyed this episode, any episode of Two Doting Dads, we would love it if you would subscribe. Join us on social media. Also subscribe, give us a review of Follow us on social media, TikTok, Facebook, all that everywhere you know? Yeah, you know what we call something else math. Yes, you can have us in your house. Wow, what a treat? How you might ask how we have raunchy ranch. Yes, twenty twenty five we have gone one step further, made a calendar that's even sexier. Than chorre play last year. I don't know how that's possible, but we made it with the help of Farm Animals ash It's just shire thirty bucks. It is from the Budget smokel website and one hundred percent of proceeds of the sale of the calendar are going to a really amazing charity called Rise Up. They work with victims of domestic violence, so it's a great, great cause. So if it wasn't enticing enough the fact that Ashni are semi naked in your house, the fact that the money raise is going to such an awesome charity should be enough. Surely do want to make you purchase, but there's only a few hundred available to buy them before they sell out. We don't want to hear disappointed listeners who missed out because there were a few last year. Yes, so that's Budget smoker dot com dot a hue the linkers in the show notes, we will get out of here. Let's go goodbye. Two Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torrestrate Islander peoples today.

This episode was recorded on Gadagal Land.

Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash

Two Doting Dads is a podcast series that follows the parenting escapades of two good mates, Matty J  
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