Tosh ShowDaniel finally lands the guest that his fans have been clamoring for as he sits down with his wife, Carly, for an interview about dating at work, co-parenting, and what annoys them about each other.
Do you remember the first song that was played at our wedding?
I do. It was gold Digger, like on your West.
Kashasha Show and Welcome to Tosh Show. I'm Daniel Tosh and I'm wearing a suit. But not just any suit. This was the suit that I wore on my wedding day and it still fits. Can you believe it? Oh? Yeah, double standard. There's no praise for men that stay in shape throughout their marriage. Women. Oh if they can squeeze their morphed bodies back into their dress, it's like, oh, unbelievable, But I do it. No big deal. Anyway, I'm excited, Eddie. Are you excited?
I'm excited. Tell the people why you're wearing the suit.
I'm wearing the suit because this is going to be the week that I interview my wife. This will be the single longest podcast episode we have ever put out. Now, how do I know it's the longest? Well, because I've lived with this woman and I have an idea that even if the conversation doesn't time out to be the longest, it will certainly feel like it. Oh okay, but I'm excited, and I know the fans are excited. You keep telling me, this is the one guest they want overwhelmingly. And it's so weird because when you meet her, you're just like, I don't get it.
I don't know that's true.
But no, no, no, no, she's an acquired taste.
All right, let's jump to the comments. Wonder what gift Tosh will give his wife if she comes on the show.
I'll give her the gift of listening to her for an hour about of boom I'm gonna give I'll tell you what I'm gonna give her. I'm gonna give her again. I'm not no spoilers here, but hey, you know it's a it's I think I knocked it out of the park.
I was thinking, Tay, she had the perfect life, and then I find that his wife doesn't like sandwiches. It's like saying you don't enjoy charcuterie. It's impossible.
Yeah. No, I certainly don't have the perfect life or the perfect wife. But you know what, not bad. I don't believe there is such a thing as the perfect wife unless you're married to Margot, Robbie or any of those thick bitches on Instagram. Yeah, now she doesn't like sandwiches. It is confusing and we get in fights about it constantly. Because I love a sandwich. She likes a salad, but she doesn't get excited about it, but she'll eat the salad.
She got a bread issue.
I mean, I find it maddening how much she hates sandwiches. But she does love charcuterie. Oh, she loves a chicutari board. This bitch will eat cheese all day and night. Just loves cheese.
Are you saving your wife Carly's interview for the season finale?
Ooh, that would be a good idea, But we don't do seasons. Okay, we do options, and currently we're in the middle of option two.
When you interview your wife, I want you both to ask questions to each other.
That is a terrible suggestion and we will not do that. Is my show. Now, if she gets a podcast, I won't go on it. Not gonna be a guest, There's no chance. And I don't want anybody accusing me of being a cradle robber, because while my wife is much younger, she is no longer young. Enjoysha. This interview is gonna be difficult because I find it hard to listen to the words coming out of my guest mouth, but the fans have demanded this. She's a poet, a television writer, and a former employee who became a potential hr night before becoming the mother of my children. It's my beautiful, charming, brilliant wife. Please welcome Missus Daniel Tosh aka Carly.
Hi.
Have you ever been called missus Daniel Tosh?
I'll probably at our wedding now maybe not. They were speaking Italian and no one knew.
What they were saying. Be honest, before you were asked to be a guest on the show, were you aware that I have a podcast?
Yes, I hear you editing at all hours, different corners of the house editing.
There's no editing on this show. This is just one conversation. Now you are Carly Hallam Tosh. But your maiden name was Carly Elizabeth Hallam. Yes, why did you change your name?
Because I was young, you.
Wouldn't have changed it.
Now, I don't know. I don't know if I've become more of a feminist or if I just think what I thought then, which was like, oh, we want to have the same names like as our kids and everything like that. Maybe I feel less strongly about that now. I still kind of go between both names. I would say, it's rude. Hallam is my last name.
You're telling me that just the novelty of having my last name has worn off. By the way, Hallam on paper reads like you're anti American.
Yes. I did have a actually a poetry teacher in college who when she called role, she would say carly E Liz Alam like that.
I don't know if you're supposed to do that voice. This is an impression, right, Well, that's what impressions are. They're they're they're cancelable, not in this administration.
Let me say, wait, just say that. I felt uncomfortable when she did it, and I was like, but am I going to correct her and tell her like, no, say it way more Florida white, treashy.
It's Hallam Hallam, not Hallem.
Alam is not the.
Way beautiful name. By the way, are you the loudest person you know?
Maybe besides our children?
I mean, this has got to be piercing to some of our listeners. I feel like you're purposely not trying to scream today.
Well, you's haven't got me riled up yet?
Yeah, I mean she's really loud. Dylan, you're gonna have to be quick on the on the trigger over there, get your ears blast off. Her voice really just it's piercing and it travels. I actually hesitated to interview you because I am terrified to find out the answer to some of the questions that have been written. Ah, right, here we go. Do you believe in ghost?
I do not.
I know you've never believed in ghost, have you No? But you used to be very spiritual.
Yes, yes, they did go to church. I was afraid to answer these questions.
Why.
I don't know, because you know my mom's listening. Your family, both of our families. Yes, many many Sundays spent in church. Not with your with your family, that youth group. We always went to church growing up. No, you didn't ce ce UCC Community Congregational United Church of Christ.
You went with your friend's family that was actually religious JN.
Schamaca's dad was the pastor. But my whole family went.
I thought your family didn't go. Your dad's stayed.
We always went.
Doesn't seem like your dad says that, Nah.
He was there. He doesn't have a great memory.
Nope, No he doesn't. Did you know growing up that you'd never stay in Florida, maybe.
Not until high school. Before that, I thought Florida was amazing. I was like full gung ho Florida. And then I remember it kind of like occurring to me that people outside of Florida didn't think Florida was as fascinating as everyone inside of Florida thought it was. Even like studying abroad, I remember people being like, where are you from? And I was like, Florida, and I sort of like waited for reaction. You thought it was cool, right, and then like the Italians on the bus would be like what Disney.
When I lived in Saint Louis, Missouri, and my parents told us that we were moving to Florida, Yeah, I cried, Okay, I sobbed. As a sixth grader, I sobbed, and I'm like, they're pussies. They can't handle the cold. Like I was just like, this is miserable. I cannot believe we're having to go to Florida. That's where old people.
Die when you're in it. That's not how Florida.
And I loved it too, you know, until I started the allergies and all of that nonsense. So you were born in Florida, you were born in Stuart. Yes, did your father force you to go to UF? No?
It was the only place I applied, the only place I wanted to go because I grew up going there, going to the games.
But you were the valveandpoint of your high school. Yes, you don't think you could have UF is a great public school. But don't you think you could have gotten into like a fancy IVY League school.
In hindsight, Yeah, yes, probably, but I didn't even try. I just wanted to go to the University of Florida. I did early decision.
Could have your dad afforded you going to to Harvard?
I mean not without assistant I.
Think he would have made it happen. You just never gave him. I bet he would have been more proud. You don't think he'd have been more proud bragging about Harvard than he is. Oh, look, but.
He likes He loves to be able to say how many family members went to you.
I know your your youngest brother is the only one that failed him. And then he's always talking about his tombstone, like three out of four ain't bad. He wants to write that on me. It's just the dumbest thing I've ever heard now you you have a great relationship with your father and mother, Yes, you? Who are you more partial to?
I love them both?
Yeah, but you and your mother are like an unhealthy I talk to my mom more every single day.
No, I don't talk to her every single day.
You talk to your mom constantly.
I talked to my mom often.
Have you ever called your father?
I call him from time to time.
Yeah, it's right, right, Who calls your father more? Me or you?
Yeah? Probably you. You might call them both more. I mean we FaceTime them now, and just like right, the whole family.
We FaceTime on my phone because I got the plus, I got the bigger phoney, that's more face time. Also, you you let the kids walk around with the phone. I don't ever let them touch my phone. If the kid touches my phone, don't touch my phone. You can't stand kids touching the phone drives me nuts. Who do you like more? My mom or my dad?
It's impossible to choose.
I think my dad says I love you to you more than I've ever heard him say I love you to me in my entire life.
Yeah, the picture you have painted of him is not the dan I know.
Right, you met my father once he got to an age where he just became an old softy and you know, he's just he's just a happy, content retired man.
And your mom, we just send them pictures of the kids and she writes back the exact same thing every time, which is, thank you for sending.
That's not funny, but it is what she said, responds, By the way, why do you bleed so much?
I'm disease ridden.
You don't wear your medical ID bracelet. When did you stop wearing your medical ID bracelet?
Maybe high school? I had for a while, I had like an embarrassing like silver chain one with like a snake that was red, just so like everyone in elementary and middle school would know I was weird. And then in high school I found this website where they did like fancy medic alert bracelets, and I ordered like a beaded one, and I thought that was cool for a while, cooler than the other one. But then it was just like everybody always asks you about.
It, Well, you hate talking about it.
I hate talking about it.
But it's not that interesting, you say, it's not interesting, but yet it consumes our life constantly.
That's fair, not because it's interesting, because it's annoying, and it's just like a thing that's explained to people.
You have von Willebrand's disease type too severe, Yep, I have it all on my phone for when shit goes down, when we get the inevitable car accident, I gotta like tell who's ever trying to save you? Like she needs humane? Yes, how was your first period?
It was bad, very bad. My first period just kept going forever.
And then they shut you down for the rest of your life.
Yeah. Then I started taking a couple birth control pills a day, like three or four.
That's cool, it was really cool.
You want to be in high school taking a lot of first.
I mean, I'll be honest, if I got wind of it, if I was in high I would be like, that's the girl.
That's their Yeah, she is impossible to him right now?
Right? You think that whenever I call your name, explain to people the inflection.
There's just one inflection, so it's impossible to know if you're mad at me. Also, our dog's name is Carl, so just around the house it's like Carly Carl, And like sometimes I'll come running into the room and I'll think, like, our child is like bleeding on the floor and you'll be like, did you see the last shot that Djokovic made? Like it's like just nothing important whatsoever, but like a scream.
Why weren't you watching? You act like you want to watch tennis with me, but you're never paying attention. That's that's a bigger issue.
Uh huh.
Speaking of not wearing your medical ID bracelet, ever, you also don't wear your wedding ring.
I meant to put it on. That was gonna be the last thing I did before I love the house.
You have any idea how much that rain cost?
Vaguely?
Yeah, how about the engagement ring? You know how much that cost?
Oh? I thought that's what we were talking about. I never wear the wedding ring.
The wedding ring is just ice too and yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool. I wear that more.
You never wear that. Well.
I don't really double them up because I have like stubby little fingers, and when they're together, I feel like smashed and like claustrophobic.
And so you're a very claustrophobic person.
Yeah, like right now, I feel a little.
Bit cluster Sometimes like she'll just panic and have to start like run, she has to run to her closet to take off her clothes because she's freaking out at the closure. By the way, just talking about it, I probably could induce clousteroe. Yeah, you're wearing a wet suit top today, so that's interesting. It's cute though, right, you look beautiful. Okay, tell everybody how we met, because like all great love stories, it involves a twenty something's job interview with three middle aged men. By way, I resent the jokey question because I wasn't middle aged. I was. I was thirty two. Anyway, go on, how do we meet?
Okay? I went to interview at tosh point zero. At the time, I was secretly living in Florida. I was pretending like I was living in Los Angeles.
Ye, but I wasn't immediately lied to us.
It all started with a lie. Yes, And I went to the interview and there were two scots.
You're starting to hear a voice. Now it's starting to pick up, right, We're getting it a going.
I thought I was doing well in the interview, like I was trying to be whole time. Not there, no, okay, just me and two scots, and I was answering the questions. Kind of funny. And whatever blah blah blah, and then you walked in with like this dark cloud over you. You're wearing a beanie. I remember exactly your vibe. You were like just mad when you walked in the room.
I'm at work, Yeah, fuck is happy at work. Wants people to be always chipper all the time. It's just annoying anyway.
It's like I inconvenienced you by you coming in. So you come in and you're holding Castro and you sit down in the corner.
Beautiful r. I p Castro, my wonderful dog. Oh man, Okay, I was holding Castro.
Okay, Castro jumps out of your lap and like runs over and jumps into mine. But I was like in the middle of answering a question, so I didn't really like acknowledge Castro, and I just kept going and whatever. And then like, you know, a couple of sentences later.
You like sentences whatever. A few words later, thirty minutes later, I said my first thing out of my mouth.
Yes, this is the first time you talked.
This is the first time I spoke, like, you don't like dogs? You don't like dogs, do you? Uh huh?
We like that?
Paz yep, Yeah, because I because because Castro was just being so sweet and she like literally like wouldn't even put a hand, like not even pettit's.
Head on my interview.
Listen.
I also am not a person that's like, oh you're doing I want to pet it, like I don't care.
And I'm like, I'm like people, this lady who's lying about where she lives. You're telling the story of the first time we met at the job of her. I could have sworn we met at Dane Cook's game night when you were eleven years old. Uh, wouldn't that be funny? By the way, you leave the interview and we have this conversation, and maybe I don't know, was it hours later or a day later that you wrote a letter to us.
I wrote an email like a thank you for the interview, and then I attached an apology letter.
To Castro my dog for not liking him.
And I said, please pass this long. Actually found that letter the other day, Did you really?
That's cute?
He said, like, I liked your fur. I hope you found some things that you liked about me too. He's written like dog level.
First of all, he doesn't he don't have anies, don't have furtherive hair. Yeah, I and I found I was like, I was like, this, give her the job. That's funny. I don't care if somebody doesn't like like my uh my dog. Fast forward, you were next to Castro as they were injecting poison into him. Ten years later from that.
In almost of the day. Yes, and I was bowling because I loved Castro. Uh huh he was, Yeah.
He was, and they killed him. He slept in your face every night of his life. Yeah, you really want my h the fans of this show to just embrace you. Tell everybody how much you hate Carl.
I find him very obnoxious. I don't hate him, he's sweet, but the barking is like, it's too much for me.
You were interviewing people don't know this about Tosh point Oh. The reason Tosh point Oh was create, or the reason that Comedy Central wanted the show to exist, was because they wanted their website to have a presence. They wanted to compete with Funnier Die and they were getting no traffic. So they're like they basically like the TV show was its own thing that was kind of cheap and crappy, which it was, and they're like, but we want you guys to have this blog that people actually traveled. So you were in charge of all the content in creating the blog, and you made it hugely successful.
Yeah, this is when blogs were big.
When blogs were big. Yeah, So you were hired and you'd lied you were in Florida, and so then you quickly I was at iguanamea.
What's that Benita Springs. It's a Mexican restaurant. Oh night, and they called me probably nachos. Bill Wright called. I walked outside and he was like, it was a Wednesday, and he was like, can you start tomorrow? And I was like tomorrow, I am busy, but I can start on Monday. And I was freaking out because I did not live in Los Angeles. I lived in Benita Springs.
He said, hey, the money is bad, and he goes, yeah.
The money is bad, but then he said it must have been seven hundred I don't know right, and you went so much money?
Oh yeah, so green You were walked back.
Inside and I was like, I got a job. I have to move to Los Angeles in the next three days.
Now. The first few years that you worked there, I don't think.
I ever we didn't speak.
Yeah, I don't mix business and pleasure. Okay, that's not mine.
There was one time when we were at a meeting. I was sitting on the floor and there was a poster of Julia Roberts on the floor next to me, and you went out of nowhere in the middle of the meeting. You went, you're prettier than Julia Roberts, but in like a really awkward, weird way. The first time you ever talked to me, I was like.
Okay, it was just like, you know, you're looking at this movie star. There's a big, big photo of this movie star, and you were right sitting next door. I was like, looky, this like you're prettier than that movie star. But anyway, that's probably inappropriate. I probably shouldn't have said something like that, but yet you were still in a room full of dudes. And then you became a writer on the show. You wrote on the show, and then we started dating, ye all secretly, We secretly dated, and then you immediately or not immediately, but you basically just quit.
What so much time passed? You fast forwarded like.
A year at least a year, okay a year.
I think we secretly dated for a full year, but.
Then you quit. Why did you quit?
Because I wanted to go write on a scripted show.
And you went over to Andy Samberg's show.
I did Brooklyn nine.
Is what we did wrong is dating? Were we? Were we not allowed to date each other?
I think no, we weren't allowed, but it was such a small office and so many people were dating. But probably mine was the worst, obviously, since you were the host.
When you say we weren't allowed, what does that mean?
They didn't want the They don't want it, and you're supposed to like report it to HR or something. I don't know who's supposed to report it, the people in the relationship.
But then you can, but then you're then they say, okay, you to date.
I'm not sure what the actual rules are, but been a lot of marriages and babies came out of that, you know.
I forget that. I'm just in general, when people say you're not supposed to date somebody at work, I'm like, well, I don't go out at night, so I don't get to meet somebody.
Yeah, I know, we all spend all of our time together. That's why it's hard not to end up dating somebody.
How many times have you seen me ship myself quite a few early on. On one of our first dates, Yes, one of our first dates, I had a slam on the brakes on the pch and just run down a cliff. And then I came back and like I didn't have any underwear and I didn't have a shirt anymore.
And then you roll down the windows and you're like, we're not talking about it, and you like drove back home.
But even before that are one of our very first dates. I said, hey, I need.
That was our first date. What's that when you said that you were feeling sick? Yes, yes, that was our first date.
First. Yeah, I said, I'll go, I'm feeling sick. I think we should get we should get going. And we went home and then I excused myself, went to the bathroom, and then I came back and you know, you.
Like started making out with me.
Yeah, and I go, you don't know what sick means, But.
No one else says that. No one else is like, I'm feeling sick. That means I have like horrible diarrhea. I've never heard of anyone say that was way.
Better than I didn't know you well enough to be like I have horrible diary. I just I just don't. I don't feel well.
I don't uh huh.
But then I felt fine. I was ready to go.
Time somewhat recently, I went to go walk into the garage.
Oh, you don't need to share that. Who is the best lover you've ever been with?
You? Of course.
You're the only person I've ever been with, So that's.
That's so sweet.
Yeah, you wish I would be a little more like, let people know just how strong our love is. Nothing you want to make out on camera? I think people would be able to tell, like our chemistry and our passion. Yeah, probably if we were to make out. Yeah, I bet you think about it. Okay, you think of it. The offers on the table, and as people of this show know, I don't. I don't like to put things on this table, but I would love to throw you up on this table in a in a fit of passion, maybe just make out with you. What is your worst quality?
My worst quality?
What do you think I think is your worst quality?
Worst is I can think of a bunch, But to pick one that is the worst.
Well, I'll give you a hint. Okay, it's physical.
My posture. Yeap, that was actually going to be what I said. But then I was like, certainly there's something worse than my postum. No there's not, which is excellent.
It's great right now. I've never first of all, I've never seen you, uh look so pretty with your hair, so pretty dressed up. I mean it's just so rare. Look like you wear the same love.
A pair of sweatpants, the.
Grossest sweatpants, every day of your life. And then you force me I have to. Like a lot of relationships, it's like we have once a month, we have date night. Some couples do it once a week. Now here's what I do. I wait until the end of the year, at about you know, December, and I'm like, oh, hey, we need to go out twelve times.
Yeah.
The once a month thing hasn't really worked.
No, I didn't. I don't, I don't, I don't don't put don't shackle me.
I just want you to want to take me out, you know, without the the once a month thing.
Do you guys? Do you guys date you have date night?
Well, like a specific you.
Don't have it. You don't. Eddie Head doesn't have a date night? You you too, Dylan, you've been married for six minutes. You already have a fucking you're forced to go on date nights?
Not forced?
Oh not romantic?
Geez okay, but so do you do it once a week, two times a month? You don't have kids? Fuck off? Yes, I mean I like to go out with you. Don't get me wrong. It's fun. I had to go to a restaurant.
Do you make it sound like a chore.
I don't know. It's just well, once you say I have to do it, it's like the dentist. It's like, oh, every six months, I have to do this. Your posture is your worst quality, and then and then not physical, your voice, and then your name.
Oh yeah, you don't like the name of Carly.
Yeah I never I was like Carly.
Well, I think you think my siblings names are cool, and her.
Siblings all have cool names A Taylor, Chase, Jordan, Carly if you were, if you were to give me that seems like the example question on the SATs.
Which one doesn't belong?
Which one of these names is batshit stupid? I mean, I'm not saying Daniel's a good name. All those all though its biblical? Is Carly biblical?
I believe I'm named after Carly Simon.
Oh, it's kind of cool. I didn't know that. Do you remember when we were first started dating. At the end of meals what I used to do to gross you out?
Put your hand into the food and then just like I used to make it in your mouth.
I used to just put my hands all in the food like when I was finished.
Yeah, and you would do that like around my family.
Yeah, it's such a funny bit. I have stopped doing it. I gotta bring the bit back now that I've children.
Yeah, honestly, they would lose their mind.
Yeah, So the end of meals, like we would be at a restaurant and are you finished with that? And she'd be like yeah, and like, let's I can't. Let's say she had shrimp and grits. I would just take my hands and put them in the grits and just start going like this and just sit and keep talking to her and she would just be like, what in the h is happening? Oh? It was fun times. That was a good bit.
Do you remember when we were at Chilata we ordered the golden bags.
By the way, rip Chilatta burned down in the last fire. It was a tie place that We used to go to.
A little beach shack. Very cute, very cute.
I hope they rebuild it. Anyway, what were you saying about it?
We ordered these appetizers called golden bags, and they were like a little fried bag that looked like kind of like a knapsack, and you stuck a toothpick in one and you stuck it with your shoulder and you were like, I'm waiting for my ride. And I was like, I have to marry this weirdo, Like what's happening.
I had a little bindle.
It was like the dumbest thing I've ever seen anyone do a.
Little with my little tie bit. Appreciate, I appreciate you remember that, But those things look so.
Stupid, look like little napsecks.
Yeah. You remember when we first started dating and you asked me, I was doing some of your laundry, like, hey, don't don't dry that one shirt, And I sent you a photo and I had taken all my fingernail and toenail clippings and wrote I love you on the shirt as I was making sure that I didn't dry it.
Yeah, you were definitely the strangest person I've ever dated.
No, it was romantic. I got that. Still, how long have we been married?
Nine years? This will be nine years.
I think that's good that you and I are together because we never people like how long have you've been married? And I'm like, I have no idea, and like that's not something that would ever upset you that I have no idea because I know that you barely know.
I think the other day I said the date wrong.
It's the seventeenth seventeenth.
Yeah, of age of the sixteenth seventeen anniversary.
Yeah, right, I know when I know when it was, oh, such a magical day. Do you know about the bet Eddie.
And I made, Yeah, that you would have fewer than twenty people.
Okay, So when Eddie and I were very young, we made this bet. He's like, there's no I said, I go when I get married on because Eddie had two weddings, he had one on the East Coast and one in Vegas. And I said, when I get married, there's no way I'm going to have more than twenty people. And he's like, all right, I'll take that action, and he bet me five grand. Right, it was five grand. It was a lot of money even back then for us. This is way before, way before I ever had a show or anything like that. Anyway, fast forward to us. We were engaged and I said to you, hey, if you could get married anywhere in the world but we only had like a dozen people, would that offset it? And you were like, yep, if we can do it Italy and I was like, boom chi ching a good move.
Visions or so. I was sure your motivation.
No, it wasn't. To be honest, I forgot about the bet.
No, you did not. I remember this conversation like right after that. I think we talked about a castle in Ireland or something, and then yeah, they started looking at villas in Italy. And then you immediately told me that, like it had to be fewer than twenty people.
Yeah, I don't. I mean, I don't think that's a bad move. Guys, I had to make sure Eddie lost. Anybody you would have wanted to leave off the invite list, Nope, anybody you'd like to add.
Yeah, I mean Sam wasn't there, which is battling.
Pete's wife, Yeah wasn't there. Well, listen, you had to make some tough choices and it was fun watching you make them. I didn't need to bring my brother or my sisters. Yeah, yeah, I mean you nixed all my family.
No, that's not true.
My mom and dad. That's the only ones that got to come, by the way, just because you got to come to the wedding too, you didn't actually get to come to the wedding itself. Yes, then there was a smaller group of the ser of the fifteen or sixteen people that actually watched, just exchange valves.
I got in trouble for that from.
Who who didn't get to who of your party?
I think people were like taken aback.
I used to be a monster because in the beginning Carley would like she would just let me do some of my crazy stuff, and now now she just runs the house. Do you remember the first song that was played at our wedding?
I do. It was gold Digger, like on your West. I thought that DJ it was fucking with.
Me the Nazi, the Nazi Kanye West. Yes, song was the first song on our wedding was gold Digger? And what was your what was your thought?
I mean I thought that the DJ was kind of like fucking with me, Like it felt like he was making like a statement about what he thought was going on.
Did he play the whole song.
Yeah, but I mean it's a good song. So we were all like dancing to it and this is like pre Nazi, you know, so we all had fun. But the whole time I was like, why would this be your pick as the very first at our wedding? Like, I mean, this is after like slow dance, but the first like dance song. Was like, so, like, did you pick the.
Song for the well?
I think I just said like American pop music or something.
Now, had you not married me, who would have been your second pick at the office for you to have a long term relationship Eddie? Eddie was married.
Yeah, that's why I went for you.
You would have broke up his marriage. You think you could have infiltrated? Interesting talk about the time Lena Dunham made you cry?
The time Lena Dunham made me cry?
Yeah? Do you remember this? I don't know, Okay, then I'll tell the story. Lena Dunham was on Watch What Happens Live or whatever, the Bravo show and she was asked who the most misogynistic person in Hollywood? Is something to that effect, right, and then she like, you know kind of was I don't know what she said exactly, but at one point she was like, Daniel Tosh, not a Harvey Weinstein who's in jail for it. She said me. Now, the reason that she said me yes was because there was a joke on our show around the time that this came out that made fun of her boobs or something like that. And this is what I want to bring up. You were crying because you're like, how do you think it makes me feel to know that I'm dating somebody that thinks you're the most misogynistic person in Hollywood? And I was laughing. I was like, well, I'm not the most misogynistic person in Hollywood. The guy that's in jail for raping people. That that guy has to be worse. Right. The point that I want to I didn't watch Girls, you loved that show. You wrote the joke.
I wrote the joke.
You wrote the joke that made her say and I just say the joke. So the point is, you're the most misogynistic man in Hollywood, according to Lena Dunham, who, by the way, didn't she write a book and well in they're a chapter about her molesting her sister or something. Yeah, yeah, Well, so anyway, I don't know why you got upset by that? Am I misogynistic?
No? No, I think she would be interested to know that, Like your whole team is women.
I don't think she'd be interested in anything about me, but I wish the best and I've never watched girls. Let's go back to your career for a second. You've always written for male comedians. Yeah, because you're not You're not like, you're not a guy one of the guys. You know. They always think that, like comedy writers like oh yeah, or you know, like the hot chicks. She's like, I'm never I can't be friends with girls. That's not you. No, no, you're not. All you have is just tons and tons of girl friends. But yet you write comedy for like dudes. That's interesting.
I just that was my trajectory.
Are you saying that you that wouldn't be your your specialty could branch out.
Yeah, I'm trying to branch out. I could branch out, but I think Yeah, people saw my resume and thought like, oh, she can write this type of joke, but you can at certain jobs.
Yes, you're writing a script now that's inspired by the relationship between you me and your sister.
Yeah.
Are you going to have to soften that. Like, if if somebody right now were to be like, we're going to buy this script, Carly, and it's going to be on the air tomorrow, would you have to have a sit down with your sister to be like, okay, we need to talk.
These are fictional characters. One of them vaguely resembles you, one me, and one my sister, but they are not us.
I'm not upset by any of the portrayals of me, am I.
Everyone is right and everyone is wrong. That's you know, brother, It's great.
Who should who? Who would be a perfect cast to play my role? Well?
I was trying to pitch Dave Franco the other day.
Dave Franco, Yeah, is that a good get?
I think so.
I think so too.
You must be the hero.
He wrote for Cedric the Entertainer too. Now, I wanted to play f Mary kill with the people that you've worked for, Andy Samberg, Cedric the Entertainer, myself. We know that you married me, So which one of the other two do you want to make sweet love to?
Cedric's a cool guy like him?
Okay, so Cedric? It is that means Andy gets the acts? Ye, Speaking of acts, nobody ever wants to fucking hear their wife tell them about their dreams. It's just nonsense. Okay, my wife has the most psychotic nightmares, Like she dreams all the time. I had to take an axe and split a guy's head open.
It is only when I'm pregnant. No, mo, when I'm pregnant mostly, O get.
Fine, mostly when you're pregnant. But but regardless, you have serial killer dreams where you do horrible violent things to people. Yeah, I've never even cracked open a book to see if that means something.
I think that's why Stacey gave me the Book of Dreams. She was haunted by the dream I told her what kind of dreams?
I mean, honestly, how often do you have those? Those murders?
No? Really, when I'm pregnant, though, I would always be like running from someone, but I would have like a weapon and then I would have to like kill someone in my dream. It happened a.
Lot, yeah, but like not it just kill them, like kill them in a violent, violent way. I would always ask like will you wake up before you do it and say no, no, no, I'm just chopping their head over, and I'm just like disgusting. Yeah, speaking of things that disgusted me about you that you do. When you were talking about taking birth control, the way you take a pill.
It's deep.
I don't get it. If some people you know, like like like, oh, I don't take pills very well, but for her it doesn't. By the way, it's not just pills. I'm going to all point. She has to take the pill and place it in the back of her throat, like she literally like if this goes like this and see, I'm like, what are you doing?
Well? Stop watching me take the pills.
Okay, but okay, So here's the thing. That's how you eat too. Whenever you're eating like finger food and breaking a piece off, you don't ever just you don't like pop popcorn into your mouth. You place it.
I think I would miss. I'm just gonna make sure it gets in there.
It makes no sense. You're a big wine drinker. You love wine. You're constantly drinking wine.
I'm not sure that's would you.
Be happier with me if I drank happier?
No, but I think it would be fun maybe to like share a bottle of wine from time to time. That's why I like push a drink over to you, like, hey, like the night that I wore this, I think you drank a cocktail that was cute and then how much diarheated again later and then all night long on my birthday. But you were in the bathroom.
She was dead asleep.
I had know what was happening.
Itn't didn't matter. The emmodium wore off around two.
I am the tequila didn't help the AVR Seafood tower, it was.
It was a big night here. Let's let's do this. We're gonna play a little game here, the newlywed game.
Mm hmm.
Okay, what celebrity do people think you look like?
Am I supposed to say it out loud?
Yeah, I mean you're not the newlybed game. You're supposed to write it down, but I didn't have two boards.
Okay, Rachel McAdams, that's who you think I look like, only because of my very small breast.
Okay, Rachel McAdam. And you really really went for it there.
I used to be told that all the time, and now I'm not, sadly ever told that.
What is my biggest pet peeve about you?
When you're in my car that I put the that I either put this down or leave it down. This bitch always leaves her visor down. Yeah, it is still in my eyes. We're not the same height, so you can't see what I can talk about when my eyes.
When I turned down a different road, you.
Give me like five seconds to put it back up. It's not like on my mind like, well we turned I better bloop.
I don't think i'm six four, Like, are you realize that our site lender?
When I look at you, like the dad, that's like, turn the light off in the back. I can't see. It's like, bitch, you can still see, Like it's fine.
Do I let my kids put the light on in the bus, But so I put it on a dim set. No, that's a blind spot for me.
When I look at the I don't think so. There's all kinds of cameras on the car.
That's true. What's my nickname for you?
A car car?
Oh? That's right, it was. I wouldn't think I was gonna say, bitch. I forgot. We used to call you tunic car. We called you Tuna car car at work.
We I think it's just you, no one else, Well, maybe Joe Borden.
I kept saying it was a fancy, fancy tuna. It's a compliment.
Yeah, I don't think a woman wants to call it tuna.
Tuna car Car was not a bad nickname. It's so bad.
Can't pick your own nicknames? We just happened to you.
God's bullshit. You tried to pick your own nick when you were a kid, Yeah, you try. She tried to get people in her school to call her sweet and low.
This is true. I was sort of like shopping.
It around because there was a girl that came in.
There was like an older girl who came to like volunteer at like my fourth grade class or whatever, and she was like, my name is whatever, but everybody calls me sweet and low, and I was like, oh my god, that's the coolest nickname I've ever heard. So then I was kind of like trying to ask people to start calling me sweten low because it's very small, way smaller than everyone around.
Okay, what grade did you skip?
Second?
You skipped second grade because you were so smart, so smart, Your geography skills are questionable at best. Yeah, I'll give you fifteen hundred dollars right now if you can point in the direction of Florida okay.
Wait, so we're in California again.
This is.
That's north over there? Right?
No, oh, you're not even closed.
Where is Florida? Point to it?
Florida's there?
What?
No, it's not.
Okay. Everybody that's on the show gets a gift, you know, the drill. But I was like, how am I going to get her something that we have? Because it's like, am I going to just bring in her gross sweatpants and say here, continue to wear these horrible things? But we still did it. Okay, I still got you something interesting.
There you go steels like a book.
Don't ruin it by guessing.
Bound bound in leather.
I always joked about doing this. I was like, you know what, I'm going to do it. So what does it say?
The prenup?
The prenup? It's our prenup. I did that nice paper? Do you remember looking at that thing? Did you ever actually read our prenup?
My attorney made me like read some of it, and she really thought I wasn't taking it seriously.
You weren't. Yeah, I got away with murder in there. Let me see this prett enough, I haven't seen this money.
We can put it with the photo albums.
It's gonna be great. I thought we'd put on our coffee table. Look at that. That's legit. Every page has our initials. We had initial every page. Oh man, so many things are in here. That's beautiful. I'm sign this too.
What's your name, Harley hallam.
Ah, No it's not not according to this bad boy. Here you go, Thank you.
This is very sweet.
Shut it off my desk. You want me to rip that book up right now and void it? The whole thing? Do you think it's it would hold up still?
I don't know. I don't know how that works. She seemed very concerned that certain things were in there.
Lawyer said said, and I quote, I cannot in good faith have you signed this?
Yes? And she told me that I will become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and that if we got divorced, I would need a certain amount of money mm hmm, or like I wouldn't be able to live.
My business may have forced me. They're like, you have all our clients have to do prenups and you can just put it on her. I guess technically. I said, yeah, but I'm not going to do it. But I was like, I'll do it. Whatever. Do most of your friends have prenups. They do. Yeah, is the biggest reason you don't want to divorce me because you're scared who our children would pick in court.
I mean they are very partial to you.
Why do you think that is? And I'm who's the strict one? Yeah, you I'm the strict one.
No. It's confusing because like our daughter will be like, Daddy, don't leave me. That's the new thing that she says, Daddy, don't leave me, Daddy, don't leave me. But you'll have just like yelled at her about something and then like, Daddy, don't leave me. And I'm like, I'm standing right here, like I will hug you and like pet your hair.
You obviously don't know how manipulation works.
Yeah, I don't know.
And the thing is I don't go anywhere.
Yeah. I literally I went to work one day last week. It was a very big deal in the house.
I mean I had all day. I work after she's asleep, and then I come here during.
Nap time Vegas. You were in Vegas.
I was gone for eight hours.
And she told me that Daddy went to work, Daddy come home. Mommy can sit in chair until Daddy come home.
When's the last time you went to one of my comedy shows.
I caught the tail end of it. I was in Vegas a couple months ago.
All right, does it live rent free in your mind that our son wanted to marry me instead of you?
I mean I thought it was very sweet, but yeah, there was no He wasn't like waffleg or anything.
Who do you think our daughter wants to marry?
Probably you?
Why don't we have a nanny?
Some combination of my fomo on missing out on our our children's lives and your refusal to trust anyone.
You yell at me constantly, but this is why we have to have somebody to watch our kids.
But we don't.
I know. So do you think when you get older you're gonna be like? Ah? My one regret. I wish we would have had a nanny so we could have spent less time with our children.
I mean, I think that's probably an oversimplification of the matter, but I thought it was a.
Good point on my side. What were the runner up names for both of our children?
Our son? For a while, we were thinking of otis one hundred percent? Hold on, you were texting everyone his name or otis his name? Or Otis to like the runner up name, and then that was not the runner up. You liked the name Rigsby, which is just like a combination of letters. It's not a name, and I never liked that name, but that was his alias alias at the hospital. At the hospital, Otis was the name that we actually thought about naming him that we ask people which one they like? Tractor, Yeah, we didn't have that book.
Then everyone's knows familiar with I was familiar with that I read.
And then our daughter's name was maybe going to be Indigo, which I now find very funny because I think it would be really weird if her name was Indigo. But I did. I had already purchased letters for her nursery that said Indy, and I had to give them away.
Who named both of our children?
You certainly named our daughter, oh man. You were like very aggressive about calling my stomach that, and so I eventually was like, I guess that's her name.
No, that's not even true, because you had our daughter and for like two days in the hospital she still was a name. And the night nurses we started polling nurses. Yeah, and the one girl, I'd love for you to do an accent for her. She had opinions, Yeah, our kids go to public school. Did you want our kids to go to private school?
I went to public school. I'm not against public school. But once I had started like looking into private schools, I got very excited by them because I love school and they're so nice.
You're such a nerd. You've you've always been a nerd, and you still are a nerd. Like you and a lot of people say they're nerds, but like you feel like it's.
Sad that one day you're just like and now I'm done learning, Like it's.
The dumbest thing I've ever heard. You were obsessed with Broadway and musicals, yes, and now you're forcing our son to have your same passion.
It's working. I don't know if I'm forcing it. He's he's all about it.
And you guys are right now. We're the household's really big into Wicked. But you, as much as you love musicals and brought it, have the worst singing voice. Yes, possibly in the world. I can't sing at all, but together the.
Two of us, it's pretty bad.
It's so bad. And now our son thinks he is, he thinks he's really good. There's no way, we've created a good singer.
No, I don't think so. By the way, seeing piano lessons, and he told me the other day like that he's okay at piano, but what he's really good at is singing when he's playing the piano. And then last night he was walking around singing Rewrite the Stars. Oh it sounded like when I sing.
I Love the Greatest Showman. People at home think, oh, you're just teasing your wife. She's she probably doesn't sing the bag sing sing that Uh that big note in Wicked that people do where you're supposed to let it, Dylan, get ready, there's a note that is it's at the end, at the end of just like covering let me hear?
Okay, like.
Like that, it's just how'd that feel? Dylan Loud? Yeah, what physical thing would you change about me?
Do your bowels count as physical?
No, that's enterds.
I'm gonna give you long hair and put it in a bun.
Do you hate it that I've been going bald for the past twenty years?
I don't hate it. I'm not sure how I'll feel if you because, like somewhat recently, you're like, I'm just gonna shave my head, and I was like, whoa, let's talk about that. I am just your decision.
Pete and Eddie are sitting right over there. You just make it sound like.
That's who they are. I know, you with hair on.
What are you saying?
Just the of ball? They're just bald man. That's who you are.
That's who you are. But it'd be cute if you were like surfer boy, you know, bun hair.
I'm not. I'm fifty years old.
That's okay in this town.
I'm not fifty yet. Oh I can't wait to be fifty.
What do you want to do for your birthday?
She always, she always wants to plan for my birthday, and I don't let her.
This is a very annoying thing. Yeah, right, because then it's just going to be your birthday and it's going to feel like I didn't do anything for you except I've been trying to like make something happen. And then I'll like throw ideas out of you and you're like, no, I was horrible. It's my birthday, that's right, But then we can't just can't just be your fiftieth birthday and like we're all just like sitting around like oh we meet tacos.
I'm meeting tacos. I'm gonna be eat in the taco.
I'll help your plan it.
Thank you, Eddie. You want to make another bet, you want to go double or nothing? We will be.
Planning a birthday, even if it's just a dinner or something.
Yeah, I don't think anything special is going to happen. I'll let you know, though. I got some ideas.
Because like, it's fun to surprise people, but not you make it like, oh, you've really inconvenienced me by like surprising you with something.
Well, yeah, I don't want to be stressed out weird. I don't want to be stressed out of that.
Wouldn't surprise you with something you wouldn't like, Like, I know you barely.
You think you know me. You don't know me. What's my favorite color?
Aqua?
Wait? One of her friends texting me, Hey, what's Carly's favorite color? And I just wrote, fuck off. Favorite color will be six.
She's trying to buy me a necklace, a very cute necklace that had like little beads on it, and they had a bunch of color options and.
I but I was just like, I don't know what her favorite color. I think it's black.
He said gray, and then she was like, not gray. And then you said like light black or something like that, and she was like like pink or purple white whatever.
You also accuse me in public two things of eating my.
Words, but then also saying things way too loud, right, and.
Then when I talk about people in public, she first of all, she says, I eat my words because you know how basketball players after games, when the two stars come talk to each other, Eddie, they have to go like this so that you don't see what they're saying. Well, when I'm out in public, I'm aware sometimes that people are listening. So I do a thing where I kind of just start to Jeff dunnam it and.
I'm like, I don't do.
A lot of moving, It's like and anyways. So but then counter to that.
Nonsense, it's fascinating that someone would do both of these things.
When there's somebody that I want to talk about or get infuriated by in public. She's like, they can flat out hear you so.
Loud, so loud you'll say what you have to say like so that they hear you. So I don't know how you decide in that moment, if you're going to swallow the words you're about to say or shout them, I feel.
Like some people need to hear it.
I'm constantly telling you that you're talking too loud, and everyone.
I'm constantly telling you you're talking too loud.
Well, there we go.
You don't wear a wedding ring, that's true. I just thought of another physical thing about you that that no, oh, everybody has moles, and she has some moles. Sometimes I'll be honest with that, like, oh, this mole looks like it's turning a little black. You should have it checked out, just so that they cut it off. I get that that's probably wrong. That's is that gaslighting. I still don't know what gaslighting is. But the issue you have a few moles, much like Rachel McAdams. Doesn't she have a big, old, huge mole. Anyway, you have someone on your back and you like your back aggressively scratched with your nails like she's like, scratch, I try, and then I'm like, I'm hitting the moles.
I got those ones, the compromising ones, remo.
Now they're still there's still one there that sometimes I clip and it just gives me the Willies because I was on TV. I get invited to things that I never want to go to, even though I assume you would love to get dressed up and be fancy. Is that one of the things that you would change about me?
Yeah, not just like the things you would be invited to, but just like your willingness to do stuff. There's like things I would if I were to change something, I would want you to accept invitations to things and like want to do stuff.
But was there gonna be about at the end of that or no?
Nope? No, That's why I have to bring our child to the Broadway shows with me because you won't go.
But you don't do stuff, But you have no problem using the name to make sure that we get better seats at things, free tickets, et cetera. When't you try that with Halam? See what kind of doors that opens? What do you think I think is your best quality?
My butt and my sense of humor?
Oh man, you got the order right?
And how good of a mom I am?
The three You're a great mother, But you know like I And maybe it's the whole uh, the Trump world that we live in now where everybody's like where you state these you're the greatest. This the biggest people anybody says I I have, She's the greatest mother. I'm like, you're an amazing mother. But there's probably no way you're the greatest tomorrow.
Probably not. That'd be crazy.
Yeah, that's absurd, but you're Yeah, you do a bang up job. Thanks, You're an amazing mother. I think that's the reason. You know, people always talk about marriages work. I mean, for nine years, I've put no effort into this. Oh, just so you know, Okay, I'm being honest, I haven't. It hasn't been working. It's been fun, loved every minute of it. It's not like, oh we had we had to get through that trying time. But I think you know, I was content to not get married. But but then when I met you, I was like, oh, I'll get married to this person. It wasn't scary at all. And the same with you having children. I can have kids with this lady because no matter what I do to screw the kids up, she's gonna shill off. Set it. Now, if you died, oh that would that would be the worst part about you dying is not the grief, but just knowing that, like I got to replace you quickly, so the kids have somebody you know, not as good figure. You think you would remarry?
No, I wouldn't marry.
You don't think you'd ever remarried?
Don't think so?
Huh? What if I went today?
I mean i'd probably you're only be in relationships but rarely getting married. I'm not forty, so you wouldn't remarry.
I know I wouldn't remarry, but I'm I'm old as dirt, so who cares. I remember one time, when I was really young, I was hosting the love Line. Did you ever listen to the love Line when you were a kid?
I mean, I know what it is, but no, not really. Yeah.
I was filling in for Adam Carolla. What a weird trajectory our careers. It's like what you and Doctor Drew, Me and doctor Drew. But doctor Drew was telling me like, when you get into like the right relationship, you can stay sexually attracted, you know, for forever. And I just remember looking at him going bullshit. I was like, that's that's got it.
Now. Do you feel like you could be attracted to me when I'm seventy?
I don't know about seventy, I don't know about seventy, I guess, but I'll be ninety.
You're not twenty years older than me, No.
I think. So do you say that we're together for nine years or do you put our whole dating?
I would do the whole thing.
Probably we're like at fifteen years. Oh, we've made it this far. Do you think that this won't age well? And when when we have some big split up? People are going to.
Like see like the job Ston Baldoni Blake Lively footage where everyone's watching it to see like, you know, what were they really thinking?
Whose side are you on in that one?
Ah? It's messy. No one looks good.
Well, I'm always against the victim. Blame them. If I have to pick sides, I blame the victim. That's what I've learned. Oh no, don't let Lena hear that. I asked this of your father and we joked about it. But I'll ask it of you. Who do you think between the two of us loves the other person more? Do you think you love me more? Do you think I love you more?
I think you love me more? Or you just are better at showing love maybe than I am.
It's the first part of that. What are you saved as on my phone.
Best idea ever, best idea ever.
That's why I typed that in when we were like working together, like here we go, Oh, my wife, my husband. Do you like when people say my wife? That even seems like like a little bit of possession? Do I introduce you as my wife? Ever? This is my wife, Carly? Yeah, I say that.
Yeah, that doesn't bother me. That's normal.
That's normal. I didn't know. I don't know the rules, man, I'm trying to follow the rules. All right, Carly, thank you for being on the podcast. Now get over here and give me a big old smooch.
Oh okay, well so quick, Okay.
There's no passion in this, there's no She just laughs at me. This is guys ry again. Yeah okay, psha, oh man, I want to thank Carly for being on the show that we edited out about forty eight seconds of just hot, steamy love, I mean, good grief. Once her lips hit my lips, you can't stop me. I'm going the distance. Oh sorry, guys, that's pornography what they watched. Yeah, Carl, he's seen it a million times. But these guys, they were like, holy cow, the sparks were flun I'm surprised this table, which I'll be honest with you right now, reeks to high heaven. But good to know that it can hold such chicanery. That's passion. Oh man, Well, I thank Carly for being on the show. What a trooper pretending to be my wife, so that people at home can be like, I thought he was gay, but he's not. He has a wife, a dumb sheep. It'd be neat if we got divorced, like within a week. Anyway, we're doing great. By the way, we had some tragedy in our family recently. I feel like I should share it. Ava, our little dog, our senior dog, was almost fifteen years old. She passed away. Do you say she passed away when you have them put down or do you say you have them put down? I still say passed away because it sounds she's dead. And I had to explain that to my kids, and that's not fun. My son made me a beautiful card. Yeah, and he drew a photo of Ava underfoot because Carly was always stomping on her accidentally. Of course that's not how she went, right, But I felt like the card was like, look, you don't have to worry about this anymore because Carl would always be so nasty about it. Anyway, she passed away. Not the worst experience, you know, it was definitely time. I was probably a year past the time. She'd been you know, pretty rough for a few years. And we did it and it was sad and I held her and and that's it. You don't pain free. I hope someday that somebody can do that to me. I got you good, That's what I want. I want Eddie to put me down at some point.
Deal goes both ways.
Sure, I'll put you down tonight. I feel fine right now. You want to do it.
Now, you want to do it, and you feel better this week than I did last week.
I kept waiting for her to be like, oh, I also wanted to know what's the latest someone has pulled out of not doing it because he gives him the first needle to like basically sedatum. And then I should have just like he's like, okay, I'll give you ten minutes in here before I come back. I should have just left and just let her have a great sleep. No I didn't. It was you know, and people always like, oh, what's better? My other her brother was Castro. He went really quick. Cancer just walloped him. And and now, I'll be honest with you, that was so much better. It hit harder. Yeah, but two years of a dog struggling is too long. You know, you have a bandit. You want to you want to rip a band aid off quick. Imagine trying to slowly pull a band aid off for two years. That's that'd be impossible. You have to go so slow to time that out. No way, Anyway, I'm missed her. I don't get to replace her, though, right, Carl, Because as soon as I came home, what did I come home to after putting Nava down? I came home to you and potato. Just shoving the water bowl over doesn't matter, all right, Let's get to some plugs, tossshowsstore dot com, buy some merch, get some hats. Whatever. Eddie's tour, My tour comes, see me do stand up? Come to Minneapolis. Where else am I gonna be? Omaha, Kansas City, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Chicago, Illinois, New York, New Jersey. Oh, and don't forget Philly. I'm going to Philly, the Lisbon of the East Coast of America. Got to look forward to Philly. Philly crowds are the best, all right. It's signed for the free plug. Hit the free plug music. Ah, that was Ava's favorite song. There's a word for that. When everything reminds you of something? Is it lonely? This week's free plug is for the measles vaccine. Head to your doctor's officer, local health clinic and get a shot to help prevent the spread of a virus that was previously eradicated to the United States twenty five years ago. Now you might be asking yourself, but Daniel, can we really trust scientists? Yeah, yeah you can. Well, now you might be thinking, but Daniel, my body's a temple and I only put natural. You shut the fuck up, hippie, get the jab. You don't know shit about. Fuck. You're gonna get your kids, entire class infected. But wait, there's more. If you act right now, not only to get the measles vaccine, but we're thrown in mumps and rebella. That's three viral vaccines for the price of one or none. If you have any insurance whatsoever, even the real shitty ones, they'll cover it. That's the MMR vaccine. Tell them that dipshit RFK junior sent you see you next week.
