Explicit

Confidence (with Miles Gray)

Published Aug 2, 2021, 10:00 AM

This week’s theme: “Confidence.” An image consultant has some image issues, the seedy underbelly of Krav Maga, and the TV mash-up you never asked for.  

Special Guest Contributor Miles Gray is a producer, writer, director and comedian. He can be heard co-hosting “The Daily Zeitgeist” and “420 Day Fiance” wherever you get your podcasts. 

Twitter: @milesofgray

@dailyzeitgeist

@420dayfiance

IG:   @milesofgray

      @thedailyzeitgeist

       @420dayfiance

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Portions of This Is Americans Live. The improvised documentary podcast, are brought to you by listeners like yourself, are esteemed sponsors, and the all powerful, all knowing Random Sentence Generator, which inspires the stories you're about to hear. Yes, whenever you hear this sound, the next sentence you hear is a random sentence provided by our revered, omnipotent random sentence Generator. For more of This Is Americans Live, listen to more episodes of This Is Americans Live. I guess and now your first random sentence. He looked behind the door and didn't like what he saw. Get a mirror on the other side of the door, and then he did every morning you get up, get his coffee, and he would look at himself. Oh my god, I can't believe I look like absolute ship again. You'll look great, You'll look great. Stop it being an image consultant in like what he saw. Look at me. I couldn't even be in like a sears ad or something. You can death gonna lea be in a sears ad for what? Backpacks? Where you just see my back wearing the backpack because it's not my face, he dad, do you my mom? Gives me in school today said you don't don't don't do it? Wait, what's going What do you mean? What school? Because he makes fun of me because you're so handsome. It makes fun of you because I'm so handsome. Yes, all the kids are jealous of how handsome. It stopped. What are they saying to you? Do I tell him, mom, don't look at her. It's hard to look at you. Look at your father because I'm so hand What is this? What are they They said that you have mom, you two. You're just not their cup of tea. I, on the other hand, think that you look great. So hold on, hold on. What do they say? They're saying I'm ugly. They're saying I'm cute. They're saying I'm too cute, that I'm not their cup of tea. What he started to see? What you started? He has a big meeting today and you're putting him in a bad headspace before his meeting with Jake Paul later. And I have to go in believing in myself. You've seen how beautiful this guy is. Yeah, really hard time dealing with what his son was telling him. I was only being honest. If it's school calling him a walking Picasso. His meeting with Logan Paul didn't go so well. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm like to the meeting. I'm just I've had a really long morning, not because someone said I looked ugly or anything like, because that's not the case, right, I'm sorry, I'm just having a hard times my brother. Yeah, I'm I'm I'm Luke Paul. You know like Logan, You're I know your Logan. Yeah, I'm Logan Paul. You or Jake Paul right right, whatever, dude, So guys, thank you local Logan. We're just having a hard time understanding you because you your face is wrapped in bandages and you're wearing that yet hat and you're right, I I wanted to make sure I had my best face when I met you guys, and unfortunately the things are shake your bag. I'm sure I'm taking him off. Yeah, I just got the facelift about three weeks ago, so hopefully everything is settled. But let me just take some of the stuff off and you just tell me how good this looks. Uh, it might be a little bit. Well, put it back the way you had it, real quick. I want to see that way too, real quick. Put the bandages back on my face, put it back on where you had it. I just want to see how that looks. I'm putting that's a little you know what. I think I like this one better. But yeah, yeah this is dude, keep that what get better with the stuff? Are you saying that? Wait? Hold on, well why are we doing this? Is because I'm ugly? Just come out, dude. Chicks love band just makes you look pretty fucking you know, kind of invisible man thing right, That's what my wife was saying. Sure, hey, bro, you mind if we have a quick sidebar, real quick. What you want to talk about having him call joking joking Paul? Yeah, that's that. That'll be the second thing we talked about. What's this face? Man? Not great? Not great, it's not it's not the best. If he's going to be the new face of our company and model our new Paul brand backpacks, he's gonna have what meeting were you on, dude? What he's supposed to be your model for our products? Dude? Yeah? You do what? Wait? What's going on your dude? I what? Yeah? Having to fight well Martin the image consultant, He decided to go consult with his last excision doctor. For lack of a better word, you fucking burned me these facelifts. Um. I, first of all, I take no responsibility for what I see before me. How is that way? Hold on? How do you not take responsibility? You're the you. You did the surgery to my face. I don't even Paul, Are you know it's mean Martin? Wait pause for just a second. What was the name that you said? You said you came up with a name for him, and then they think it's Martin. Something I would I suggest that maybe you said opening you fucking here listening? Okay, it's Martin, just sucking picking her about? Martin? Is are you? Yes? It's me? Record recognize you? I mean I'm nurse Susie. How Hi, Hi, Hi, it's me Martin Susie. Or you mean to take the panages? They're off? Did you need me to put the bandages? You know what this is? This is? Do you want thicker? Yeah? This is kind of routine procedure after after one of our clients comes back and then shows us the doctor. They look you just cover up his face. But I don't want to worry you all because I know your medical professionals. But my my face. I feel like it's turning gangreness or something. It smells weird. I look like Dorian when he puts the mask on in the mask. Never in all my years is that the mask one or two one? Obviously who talks about the other one? If I think Kennedy, Yeah, they're the good one. I love the one with the dog. Yeah, gets the dog gets it in the first one. Yeah, really for a moment. In second one, it's really great. But I just gotta say I was not a huge fan of them going to the well again with with the dog putting on the mask in the second Yeah, you know what I liked about the first one was the mechanics where he goes through the things like you're not gonna give me a nasty bill for my car, and then he's like, whoo, I like that anyway back to business. Here are so ugly now it's an inductor. Shafer had recommended it brandy surgery that could possibly correct the mistakes scalpel alarm fault, so I don't have to look at this car ship all right? Are you talking? You? So? We can you can you please put some more I'm gonna give him some more past that as the nurse gating with that Jews, we had the opportunity to see what he was dreaming about. You was in his GiMA. And thank you so much to all of the editors here at US Weekly. Bro, you're so handsome. I know, but I know, I know, and you know what I'm gonna say again, thank you so much for recognizing my natural beauty. No surgery has done at all. This is my God given face and it's just such an honor. So thank you so much for saying, and honestly saying, I'm the least ugly guy in town. I'd like to make a toast handsomest mad little there. Are you awake? You can come out, you can come out a wake? Are you all wake? Are you wipe out? Okay, here's all, here's a white out. You're the prettiest point in town, right, doctor? You might want to get a second a printing on that. This is this is American's Life. I'm your host Storry with producer Andy Especially. Guest contributor for this episode is Myles Grey. We will be using a Trust These Ends generator to bring you a story in three improvised acts. This week's theme confidence You have It you know, I have it, So you influence some of us. Never end at achieving it, stay with us. Act one all right, doesn't have to be intentional, is what he was always telling himself on a daily basis. At sometimes could just be accidental. Look at the sky, look at the ground. It's art everywhere. It's art, art everywhere, it's art. I think you're done with your you don't mind, I'm would like to ask the next student. I have several renditions of the look at the sky. It's all I know, Chris. I know you do, and you always have different renditions of all the bits that you come to come to class with. But I'll just sit down here in this chair and wait, Okay, you're got along what I was saying. Naw, okay, Kevin, do you have anything you want to present to the class as far as yeah, yeah, scene yeah. Again, I think just going along with sort of like the whole vibe I think that you've put out as a teacher. Um. So, and again I'm like super grateful for like kind of like expanding our minds, like in terms of what art is. So it's very nice to have students appreciate what I do. Yeah. No, totally and I totally do so, like hopefully remember that when you're sort of casting your next production. But yeah, of course, yeah, so this is what I'm gonna do. Is just sort of like it's sort of like a spoken word thing. So like anything can be art, right, So why not this? Why not tonight? Why don't we party like it's our art form and we are Rembrandt just smanging claws left and right. I just have one thing to say about your presentation. It was just it was just talking. It was just okay, what wasn't There was nothing too that, it was just talking. I came up with thirty six bars of a song about the goddamn sky. It was clear he Chris was super salty that the situation. He needs to build this confidence. That all right? Uh so I'm back. I've really been working on working on my presentation another song. Thank you for that comedy. But I thought that was very funny. That's not let me write that down it is. That's a very common expression. Chris, shut up. Please, Chris has some respect, have some respect. Please. I want to apologize on behalf of Chris for like totally fucking the vibe up in here because I know how much like how dedicated you are to like just acting ever since you were on Even Stevens back in two thousand two two episodes. Yeah, I certainly won't forget it, and it seems like some people do forget it. And I'm and I really want to apologize about. All he's doing is reading back your IMDb credits. He's not making any solid points. Look, I know that I have more experience than mostly people in this class, and that's fine. I'm trying to impart my wisdom and everything that I've learned. I don't need this. I'm going to talk to the headmaster, Christopher, did you have something that you wanted to raise with me? Yes, So I have a complaint about the caliber of instructors that we have here at this fine institution. Yes. I poured my heart and soul into my audition. And then this other kid comes along. He just talks the headmaster of the Mecademia Academia. He said, look at its audition date. You gotta rewind it. You gotta rewind it to get the real meat and potatoes. Look at the sky. Fuck La. I'm sorry, Chris, this is this is actually really it's not great and I would say that the biggest things it's lacking confidence. What I demand to speak to the whoever is ahead of the headmaster of this university. And this is the problem. I think you're always looking for an excuse that's outside of yourself, rather than looking inward and solving the problem like that. Um, I agree, there's not only just one headmaster. Why well, because that's how it was on. It's just just shared custody over the mastery. Thank you. In fact, I was going to finish that sentence sentience thank you in me. What he did he tried to go to a head master. Master you tried to paith that and say, hey, reject that payment to that acting school in maddic. I'm sorry, sir, we don't actually cancel paper. I don't know how you got this number. You're saying, you're disputing that you you're actually learning something in the class. That's why you want to camp. No. I I regret, Okay, I regret and rolling in the class. Okay, you know what, why don't you do? You want to hear my song that they thought was just so uncomfortable. I don't know if is it absolutely vital to me? It just sounds like you bought something and you weren't satisfied. That sounds like a dispute for someone else, not Paithal. They sent me here are you? Are you telling me that you're going to pass the back to somebody else? Well, let's I guess I'll hear the song first and then I can you. I won't feel as bad telling you know. It's kind of scaredest thing it now, because well why is that? I mean, I'm sure it's beautiful, and it doesn't the song live in your art. I have just had so many people turned me down that I've I've lost Mike. Let me tell you howbidence it has been shattered, Chris is it? Let me tell you something. I was in a class in Los Angeles trying to be an actor too, and I let a teacher crush my spirit and I ended up going to greener pastures. And that's working in customer service at papal. How was this so much to say? That doesn't really sound like greener pastors? In a way, it is because how I see what I do is art as well. Um, it's the art of making sure people are satisfied. And I had to just sort of re contextualize things to give myself confidences. Mysterious agent Paper was doing such a great job explaining the whole situation painting a picture of his memory, that this was transported into that memory and we were able to relive it. Mr Marshall. So I'm I'm just hoping that my I guess my submission today will be good enough for you. Please, by all means, let me hear it. Everything can be art no matter how hard you try. Thank you, thank you. I just want to say this. There are some people whore made for acting, uh huh, some people who were made for radio, and then some people are made for customer service. Fuck you. I would say, maybe check out PayPal? Okay, well, do you know when they're having auditions? All right, welcome to you PayPal auditions. I would like we're going to just go ahead and go in alphabetical order. Later. First we got Aaron Aaronson. Let's hear your PayPal audition? Wow? Me? Hi? Can I this call is being recorded or for customer service? Can I do that again? Please? Yeah? Sure you can do it again. You can practice it in your car. If you leave here, you're out of here, all right. Next uh, Kristen Christineson isn't here, Robert, and the next one we got here. I just want to say, I'm very I'm very nervous, so please you know what, Hey, everybody's always nervous when they come in here and audition to be a PayPal customer service representative. Okay, you're not the first one to feel the heat. Do I have to sit on this pleather couch? And I'm please you? And hello, thank you for calling PayPal? How how how many you? Yes? I attempted to murder my spouse with this gin sue knife and it did not cut through the flesh. I would like a refund on my purchase for this knife. Absolutely, we'll get on that right away. Now. Was that Was it advertised as being able to cut through the flesh of your spouse? Or Can I stop you right there? Yes, I gotta say, I'm pretty impressed with the fact that you did not immediately gasp in terror upon hearing that he committed his crime and didn't threaten to call the police. Because we don't turn out our customers here at PayPal job coming up at too the first a word from our esteemed sponsors Stay with Us Act to the interview Miles Gray, thank you so much for coming to a show. How long have you been a listener? Uh, I've since June when it came out. We've been around. We went much longer than that. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't. I'm I just I got to get nervous and I don't like them to disappoint people. So I just sort of said a date, what do you when? Do you think he was when you first started? We probably started when you're a little boy. Uh? Yeah, yeah, I would say whatever. The longest time is someone can listen, right, it's great. So so when you were a child, you'd gather around the radio and listen to this show. It's what you're trying to tell me. I'm pretty sure I learned how to speak English because of this show because in me Yeah, and a really weird accent growing up, because I modeled my voice after you. You know, we actually have in the archives that very first episode from way back then. When you listen, I would absolutely love to hear it. Yeah, we have it. Pushing the button now, Okay, happy birthday, Miles. Thank you so much for having me. Um, do you want to open your presence now? Miles, i'd love to and just to engage in the feeling of paper crumbling enter my fingers as a way to celebrate consumer culture. You're English is sounding really good? Have you been listening to a lot of this is Americans Live, because that's the only place where I've heard such good English, because You're English used to be terrible, but it was very bad. I am aware of anything, and thank you for for adopting me, and of course was our pleasure giving me a complex about how I was speaking English. Its hardy to go back to deeper archives by doing myles was listening to the show? Was the English sounded like back then? They press play high miles. We're your new parents? Whoa shout out to you my parents school, Thank you for having me here? Cool? That's tough. Stop, um, this is actually a pretty cool voice where I'm from originally. So I don't want to have I don't want to feel like I'm being rejected purely on sonic reasons. I would do something good. Hey, everybody, one, two, three, fuck that's my catch phrase. I learned in English on my way here. It seems like my learned English from all kinds of radio show hosts. Who is the one that you're learning English from prior to me, that was this Dutch DJ from Rotterdam. What was his name? Just I think Abjornd. Yeah, we have his old air checks, his old air checks. That's okay with you? Yeah, sure, go ahead, thank you? Hey, you won one two Dutch radio rotter Damn. It's is your man. Youre on the on the radio. Who's gonna be playing some of the sickest e d M jams? After this we have stuff from afro Jack and armand van Buren coming your way. But the first let's check in with giggle fart bull. Here we go one, two, three. Who's the English did you learn? After you learn from him and then from me? Is now you don't talk like me? Yeah? I it's it's sort of a hybrid of Fresh Prince of bel Air and the Sopranos, sort of the next two things that really shaped how I spoke. You know they actually, um, I don't know if you guys know this, but they know tell me, but there was a pilot for a Fresh Prince Sopranos hybrid show. Did you know that? Did you ever see it? Let's hear that you should thank Gobba. Go over here, you talking about Uncle Phil. I'm not younger Phil, I'm your uncle Jue. What the fun, Uncle June? Why doesn't my dad want me? I like the premise of it. That started the networks. Next, wait, don't do TV show. Let's watch like looks at me? Your fucking fresh pressure better over here? We got the trigger guy over here, This fucking coach. We tugged a couple of couple of shows. He's gotta just got our garbage roach. What you gotta shake about that, Uncle Phil? Why can't we just get our own money legally? But we gotta rob garbage? Shrug? He's got the point. Don't you didn't even know that? That was a very popular TV show when for many seasons, I decided I wanted to play a segment from the very final episode of The Fresh Prince of Montclaire of Montclair. I'm passing plain now, Oh man, I'm gonna miss this place. You do mine, Uncle June? Can I get a second by myself? I'm getting sentiment? Okay. There was a clip from the fain episode, and I said, what if there's anything else? And then I put up the reunion. It's this clip is really good. What can I say? You I missed you, guys. I tell you, guys, but all lot of times she tell you, guys. Should I missed you too? Man. You know, I'm real sorry that I replaced you, you know, half way through the first season. You know I didn't. I shouldn't have done that, replace you with a lighter scanned uncle. June and I have a lot of regrets. But I hope we can. I hope we can. You know, just just build some bridges if they get back to where we used to be. You know what, forget about it. Tell me about you up bringing. You said you're well, we had a little bit of a conversation prior to recording, and you tell me that you're from Los Angeles. Yeah, can you tell me a little bit more about that. Yeah, I grew up in the San Fernando Valley, which is like the New Jersey of l A the way people talk about it. So, yeah, I just grew up in l A my whole life, and I've never left with the squad here. I didn't have many I didn't I didn't branch out too much, but you know, I had jobs that would take me further afield. But for the most part, yeah, I just uh I grew up like every kid does out here, just on the you know, on the hot streets. And you have a great podcast, you have two of them. You have the Daily at Guys. Sure. Yeah, and then you also have and tell us to do about that. I mean, if it's it's it's what it sounds like. It's ninety day fiance and Weed Weed Cultured. I'm high talking about it with Sophia Alexandra, another fairly funny comedian, and yeah, we just talked from our perspective, as you know, immigrant kids who like trash reality shows, specific type of strain when it comes to the type of we that. Yeah, I smoke Indicas mostly Sativa's. Are they they give me Jodie Foster panic room? Yeah, sometimes what happened is to Tevas. Yeah, that's the Tvas. I don't know what it is. I don't know. They just get they get you two hyped up. Sometimes back in the day, Steva's were just fine and Statia's get really oh yeah, life, you know, I think maybe it's life more to think about. It's probably right, Yeah, most I would be thinking about, like, oh, are they going to catch me stealing another scale from the science lab. Growing up I was like, you know, a little want to be drug dealer type kid growing up. So I you know, always was had O G. Cush. That was like the best weed you could always be selling, and so I always I have a deep love and connection with O. G. Cush used to sell fake acid. Just doing that out there, Wow, that's that's that's a lot of confidence. We actually have him, uh selling fake acid in our archives. Do you want to do some of that now? We do? This is bag in middle school? By the way, Nicol, what's going on? What what do you want? Do you want some acid? Uh? Yeah, I definitely want some asthid if I said, U some acid? Who you hang out with me? Yeah? There's some little triangles that cut at a little paper squares and I spread it with the raid. I caught it white Tornado. Do you have any without raid? The raid is an acronym for just take it. Okay, thank you. I'm not really into it into acid culture as you are. All right, Ari Ari Ari? What are you doing? I heard that you're selling kids drugs right now, I'm selling acid. Acid is an acronym for athletic. In a minute, you're better or something quick. Rester athletic cats in diapers exactly, Okay, well slide alright, cats and diapers. You know there's semester. Your grades are that. I really want you to focus on your grades and maybe a little lesser turn into the athletic cards and diapers added this tune and to things about me. We thought you were selling drugs are and we we came to intervene because you want the best outcome for you, Mr Crandell, and I we care deeply about your future. My future has already said the Frankly, fuck up what I leave this school and the high peach. This guy is so cool, so cool you and it's send school again, Mr Cramly. He's kind of a real he's super cool. Alright, watch me wrap the third flannel around my waist. Oh my god, sorry, you want to, like, I mean, this is pretty unorthodox. Yeah, you want to come hang out of my place. We love your vibe. We love your vibe. They're so cool because we're chair empty for me to see if I show up. Okay, that's fine. I wonder if R is just chill out you were Honestly, I just made all this, I know, but you're you're you're you're acting real thirsty. We lost our last drug connect. Hopefully this young man can come through with the with the bomb acid. But we can agree he's so cool, right, well, yeah, obviously I want to around him. It's already weird that like we're lying about hanging out with his students. So let's just let's play who's at the door. Nobody's at the door, not to you the breakfast clip song, thank you forgetting at me? Oh sorry, it's not really, don't think you show come we got we love to seat here for I just came to chick out the vibe. I'm not feeling any slap bracelet bracelets that takes lab brace there you go here and have some more we have We have a flavored popcorn too. Yeah you guys, let me ask, Yeah, have any pods? Do what? God? I told you? I'm sucking at you? Look on alright, hold on, hold on? How about it? How about that luded me with magic cards? How about my magic gus? How about my sobriety chip that's kind of like a slammer, right, fifteen years sober? How about my wedding right, check my wading ring. He just landed on something important motherfucker. The braddy chips are fucking slop a pound slammerge. Which there you go, that's the braty chip. They're har they're heavier the longer you've been in the program. Let me see a fave you chip. It's plastic. I'm sorry, God, I'm gonna get all the pugs. Take my turn to your sux dediction tchip. It's like in like a way, by the way, you're ten years six, sobriety chip. It's just a busty way of just saying you can't get anybody. Oh he's so cool. God you heard stand up shilling you really hurt. But also when I I have somebody as cool as him roast me that way. Yeah, that was a chip denman. Anyways, So back to I guess that was trippy man. That sounds kind of sucked up that your teachers were like, kind of they sound like scumbags, to be honest, And then he's more fun that they recorded it all that we can be anything about that either. Yeah, because they never asked him for permission, they're podcasting it. So you took some Crabmga classes. Oh Yeahga crab Maga was really cool. Play ace. Uh you know it. They tell you it's a self defense thing with a lot of like former Israeli special forces guys teaching the class, and the classes would be super wild. I was there to like get out my teen anger and directed in somewhere where like I go punch things that weren't drywall in my house. It was a good outlet. And it was like a mixture of like agro teens, old guys who were trying to like recapture their like virility through like combat stuff, and then like people who are really interested in self defense. Um. But like a lot of the instructors were just like these agro ex soldier dudes who only taught you, like essentially how to creatively beat people up. It was never really like you know, self defense stuff. Yeah, exactly right there on Olympic I have to confess I recorded to you pretty much your whole career. Wow, I did do that. I placed microphones. I live with the city, and then sometimes I get jackpots fish and play my god class step. I recorded a bunch of different ones. There's the Israeli teacher that I remember his teaching Sam. That's the class me. If I can find Sam's class not that one. Not that one. Sam. Here we go. Yeo, guys, get in, get in, let's talk. Alright, We're gonna we're gonna do a lot of hard work today. We're gonna do a lot of different kind of training today to make sure that you guys are defending yourself in a way that is consuctive. You know, you have a question, there's a good place to reclaim my use. Yeah, but you can reclaim anything you want. Blendy were to fade him question where my first follow up question? Yeah, hold on, hold on. I like this energy. Yeah, this is how we're gonna defend ourselves with intensity. Here's species ship. He's always telling me he's going to be using the laundry matter Monday. You're gonna let him say that to you, man, I mean, I gosh, it's kind of state na Sunday night and I say it's Sunday night, and he he looked at his watch. It pat day, just one days. This is basically scheduling conflict that we have here. This is perfect, guys. This is a perfect opportunity to like really train you guys and get you in the mindset of self defense. Right. So you're saying this guy he's embarrassing you at the laundry mat. Yeah, he's just making me feel like ashole, I'm not see and you have to defend yourself from something like that right here? How do I do with the course? What you do? Hold on? Hold on, man, you're a real asshole. Right now, this is what you do. You're gonna show up at the laundry mat, right and you're gonna defend yourself by sneaking up behind him, and you're gonna take or get the laundry mat. You're gonna put a bunch of cordas in a sock in the yeah, and you're gonna use this. You're gonna wrap athletics suck however you like, could be a dress, can be a gold toll, whatever you like. Well, I've got the sucks at low below the ankles, perfect, perfect, But as long as it can keep some form of currency and its hard coins, you're going to wrap it around your hand. And you want to come up when he's not looking at get him in the back of the head. Self defense at its finest. Is it a problem the fact that he heard what I'm gonna do and we're a week from now. No, because what you're gonna do is You're gonna pretend that there's no problems, there's no beef or nothing like that. He's gonna have his guard I ever question, how do I defend myself? Year when he's defending himself. I need to stop that as a state's evidence is that if you know, I mean I do because I record everything that there's two old man killing each other. Yeah, Sam was, I mean he obviously he was brought up on charges because he had that sort of underground elderly fight club that he was running. I would love me. I'm gonna find an episode of my recordings where Sam is chaining you. I'm trying to find it. Is this one. I just want to five people. I think that's great. Man, you know that I want to show you all these things. You're gonna defend yourself. You know I'm only ten years old, though. That's okay. You think I'm sure people talking to you that you have to beat up. That's what self defense is about. It's about someone's gonna talk shit to you and then you kill them like that guy. Cavin you What did I do? Well? You kind of sing all these weird songs, join the class and it's really discructive. It's an audition. I was supposed to sing songs. I don't get it. How do I kill him when he doesn't know? Yes, this is great, this is great. He's launching at me right now. Why why you do when this I thought we were from In a second, I'm going to punch you, man. I don't want to lie. You know. That ship is really annoying. But what you're gonna do to him is what you want to do is you're gonna set up a fake audition and you're gonna tell him, hey, I heard you're really working on your singing. And then you invite him and it's a set up and you just pounce on him when he gets then you beat the ship out of him to self defense. You know that that was also state's evidence. Yeah, he's against you, and everybody would happen between you and Kevin. I'm sure all that's gonna come up later. Everything I do could ever come together. In the third beat, Mad's thank you so much for being a part of this show? Is there? Andy? Does that mean you when it say to me? It's right? Motherfucker? Wow? A lot of tension here coming up Act three. The First, a word from our sponsors, who make this high quality program possible. Stay with us. Act three Separation anxieties. What happens when you can't find your phone? Sometimes your phone is like a friend now these days, and phones are so smart a personality, almost less appendage and more of a companion. Can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. I can't find it. Honey, Wake up, honey, wake up what? I can't find it. I can't find what my telephone. It's even the morning. I don't care. I have to sleep while I need to find my phone. So one of us is gonna get what they want to press me whatton on the thing that tells you where it is? What button on? What thing on the little button with the thing, and it says over a year? Are you talking about on my phone? Oh? Yeah, How am I gonna do that? If I can't find my phone? Go back to sleep. Think of some better ideas than wake up and tell me your ideas and how to find that tomorrow. Just go to the phone store. What let's go to the phone store and get another file. How am I supposed to find the rightist to the phone store if I don't have my phone. You realize that the only option he had was to go to a phone store. Yeah, well, welcome, never rising on here. What's what's up? Yeah? I can't find my phone and I want to know how I can. WHOA dude, you're like, turn off? I got fifteen? Man, straight up, you can't find your phone? Like, yeah, look for it. Of course I tried looking for it. That was the first thing I did. There isn't there some sort of a tracking or help you find it? All right? Dude? What's your number? When he value? All right, that's not the white hit? Somebody answer? Yeah, hold on, somebody? Where did he are? Hello? Hey? What dude? You? Yes, dude, this is Ace, Dude Aces the homie. Wait, wait where are you? I'm at work, bro, This dude fucking lost his phone. He's like, YO number in there and you picked it up? Dude? This is crazy. Ask him where he is? Hold on? Are you asking? Here's that guy asking? Dude? I don't know? You don't ignore him? Are you? My brother? Logan and Jake, dude, we're they're doing like some image consultant thing whatever? Hell yea for those new backpacks, For those brand new backpacks, dude, Bro, who's on the phone? What dude, who's on the phone? D Hey, dude, this guy's like asking about it? All right, So I'm sorry, dude, Hey, I'm sorry. What was your name again? Dude? Who lost the phone? Dude? Okay, dude, this dude Raved is like, oh my bad, dude, I don't have his phone here. You just tell me where the guys bad? Where are dude? Sorry? Where are you? Like your chill that he has it? Like, you're not gonna call the cops right, Like, no, I'm not gonna because I'd be like super fucking lam dude. All right, how did you? Where are you at? Dude? Can day Bed come get the phone from you? Like? No? It was clear that David whened to take things into his own hands doing back home. Then Oh it's black clothes, black the spenders, black dance, black T shirts. Sorry, honey, it just he has to be done, all right. What are you going? Called street justice? And I got it right, get it? Just come home soon from your street justice. When you're done. I'm serious, I'm serious street justice and they're gonna be real. Sorry, Well, when you're done with your street justice. Just you're seeing that in a in a contestending way, like're over has arrived. Okay, the ober is coming, It's here. I'm gonna go get my street justice. Now. Just whoever's taking you there, I just hope that he's smart enough to teach you a little bit of a thing or two before you go have some street justice. Let me see who's your driver's name? Sam? I hope he knows what he's doing. Okay, the street come on? Come on? Okay, what are you gonna keep dancing outside of my high blid? Just get in, man, Just just trying to build up the confidence to get it. Yeah, okay, but do you know I gotta start running the met man if you don't get in? Okay, started, okay, okay do alright? So all right, I'm here in the car. I'm going to get some street justice. I'm just so you know, you go into a really bad part of town. Man, what are you doing here? You're gonna get with you gonna get sleep justice in the bad part of town? Yeah, street justice. I don't know what's that mean? You're just like a funk up you know, cosplay Ninja or something. Yeah, I'm gonna do you have any pointers or get my Justice. I gotta get well, do you know, first you gotta establish like, are you even going to attack somebody? Is it even justified? You know, you're just being you know, so the frivolous with your violence stole my phone. Somebody stole your phone. Yeah. Ten minutes later they were in the parking lot, dam it turned off the meter. Decided to take this on as a personal thing, and he was teaching David how to set up at tax and tap the pulls, which knew he was gonna you have to, he was gonna be David versus Logan. What's the other paus needs? Jake? Jake, Jake lace in a look the pals all right, so you know this, I mean, look it sounds like we had well matched, you know, split on too. I don't like those numbers, especially you don't look like you can fight. Yeah, no, I don't not at all. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna use you as as a decoy and then I'm going to come out of the shadows, the shoot out of them, get your phone, screech Justice style stabs him in the neck. You know they kind of that kind of seems unwarranted. A little stick justice. Man, you don't gold your phone back, We're gonna kill somebody. No, no, no, no no, I just wanted to scare him a little, kill him still, guys, No, don't come over here. No, don't forget it, forget it. I want to call it all. You want to call it all? Pause, backed up, and then David realized he sucked up because he didn't wanted is felling back like, you know what, I don't want to call it up because I want my phone back. Okay, come back, and David realized he needed to consult Sam first before we just started calling back. Okay, stand there, don't call it back all the way yet, and okay, I got it. This is fucking weird. B sorry, fucking fights him jump the gun. Well, they look fucking stupid. There. He has to be a way that I can get my phone back without murdering somebody. Hold. You know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna pretend I'm injured and when they come close to me, supplies attacks him and then you're gonna take the phone. Okay, but they're gonna live. Yeah, they're gonna live. We're gonna live. Okay, Oh my god, Paul, I please I need I needed He can you three fellas come help my driver? Close to call it an ambulance. What's going out of here? What is it? You need to call an ambulance, but not for me? Motherfucker? Is this your phone? David? Come on? No, No, that's fuck. David takes the phone anyways, hitting the way. There was lung missing, and he gets a don't call How can I help you? Yeah, yes, this is your dad. Who's this? It's me Junior. Oh, come home, come mom? When you come over. And so I told you I know what you take with school because he manages down. I'm writing this down. You didn't want need to take him to school because we said you were fucking ugly. Um, don't worry, son, because I'm your father. I'll be right there back. Oh God, they're gonna know it's not me. I gotta wrap my face up in bandages so I'm in disguise and we'll never know what it was. I have to change my voice to an opportunity. David took. He was already dissatisfied with his home life. This is a perfect way for him to disappear. Living in the bandages. Nobody would know that it was David and that Martin, your father, Martin, we love you so much, Thank you so much. I miss you, Dad. You smell like black ice air fresheners. Thank you. Don't you miss the mansion, work erect and Mom's big boot. It was clear that David had leveled up. We have to keep his benches down for the rest of his life, but he didn't care. You don't have to deal with his wife who didn't give a shit about him, who was missing phone ever again produced Andy and her special guest contributed, Miles Gray. I'm your host, sorry, and this was This is an Americans Live during this next time. This is Americans Live can be found wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate and review. You can also find This is Americans Live on Instagram at this is Americans Live and on Twitter at Americans Live.

This American Laugh with Aristotle Athari and Andy Harris

Join improv comedians Aristotle Athari and Andy Harris on This American Laugh, an improvised comedy  
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