Portions of This Is Americans Live, The improvised documentary podcast, are brought to you by listeners like yourself, are esteemed sponsors, and the all powerful, all knowing Random Sentence Generator, which inspires the stories you're about to hear. Yes, whenever you hear this sound, the next sentence you hear is a random sentence provided by our revered, omnipotent random sentence Generator. For more of This is Americans Live, listen to more episodes of This is Americans Live. I guess and now your first random sentence. He enjoyed pacticing is ballet in the bathroom. You didn't really have a place to do it. It was the only place he had that was private, the only place where he could be himself. Do do do Do? Hey, who's in there? I'm in here my stomach, I've got some serious Did you cook the pork all the way I did? Yeah? Well, I'm really working on something in here. Just give me a five minutes. I'll give you another five. Right. He was a habit, but what he didn't know is that he was actually getting really good. All right? Can I give you my card? Please take the Yeah, I represent with people and I have a feeling that maybe there's something we could do together. Yes, can I speak to the Lawrence Glenville? Hold on? Hold to Lawrence Glenville, hold on before I'm a terrible secretary? Who then is it? Can I speak to you for a moment? Hold on one second? I'm sorry? Can you hold for one second? Yeah? What? So? Um? What are you gonna do? What? I thought we talked about this with the with the possible clients. Yeah, and maybe don't be as vulgar as what as vulgar as vulgar? Vulgar when you're when they call? Really yes, when we when I interviewed, I said, do you want me to do this fucking job? Or now? What do you say? And I said, I would like you to do the job, but just please don't curse as much when you're on the job. You fucking got it, all right? Okay? So all right? Can I just pick up this call? Now? Go ahead? And do I still have to deal with your bullshit right now, but please keep it clean? Okay? Hi? Are you? Who are you waiting for? Again? I'm still holding for Lawrenceville. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna transfer you to Glenville and try my best to hijack this fucking situation. Hold please from Mr Glenville, hold up to say what the fun is your name? Oh, Mike, look and I speak to you one more second. And I just transferred this call first there's a whole other thing that's about to happen. I transfer the call. But Jesus, but I do want to I do want to speak to you after this whole thing. Great, you can talk to me way later. Thank you very much. I'm sorry. What was your name, Stephen, Stephen old Stephen, Mr Glenville. I'm looking at you, motherfucker. Mr Glenville. I was given your card. Yes, I'd like to represent you. Next thing you knew Stephen was in front of UH live studio audience about to enter a makeshift tiny bathroom. You go dance for three judges that would decided bathroom dancer with your host Don Yeah, my names John. I want to see you dance in the bathroom now, okay, the other one dancers. I haven't started yet. Let me you toilet down, okay, please, I need now. Nobody knew that there was a continency of people in the country. You were probably dancing in bathrooms, but this show figured it out. It turned it into a syndicated contest Joe called America's bathroom Dancer. Can we get a dancer? Please? Hi? Hello? And what would you be dancing next to the toilet? That's exactly what I'll be doing, dancing next to toilet. So just dance thing next to toilet and then that's it. Okay, go hu. Any of the other judges going to say something about this toilet dancer? You were dancing on the toilet. Never before have I seen such a rendition of the one you just did I have. I'm not done. Sorry. I came up as a young lad in Wincestershire, always dreaming of the day I wouldn't be a judge on a dancing competition. Well, I went to excuse me? This knock knocking? Is this bathroom? Yeah, someone's in here. He was a surprised guest. And you can DestinE who does snuck on stage and just stow everybody's hearts. I've seen a lot of dancing. I've seen toilet dancing. Look I'm just wiggling like that because I gotta go. And it came brilliant, your go into Los Angeles congratulation. I gotta go. To the bathroom. Let's see what some of our other gift judges think about the should I should we send him to Los Angeles? Well, I guess. Let me answer your question with another question. What is dancing? Where is dancing? What is bathroom? Where is bathroom? What? I was a young boy in winston Shire, finnal coimpetition came around Los Angeles. The bathroom dancers gathered, competing for one spot to be the ultimate bathroom dancwer. I'm nervous. This is what I'm nervous, So nervous. I'm more nervous. I'm nervous because you guys are I don't know, not that great. I'm just saying, look, I'm just being honest. I'm not psyching you out. I'm just saying, maybe practice a little bit more before you come and play with the big boys. Okeep bine. That guy wasn't That wasn't very nice at all. Was about two things. First, I was just nervous about the competition. But now I'm kind of nervous that that everyone knows in the bathroom dancing community that you just have to be nice. I know. Okay, we're ready for dance today. Yeah, we're gonna go in orders. Okay, you're Marca? Yeah yeah, Marco, you're going up first, Kevin's You're going up sick. You gotta be honest. I'm a little nervous to go third. Kevin, Well, there's just I'm sure I'll go thirds or New York. I don't mind going forth. Chris Staph what about you? I would like to go easy if fifth spot? Thank you? Dan Constein, wait about you? Whatever? Cog are only K nine dancer? What are you about you? Can I ask a real quick question? I have more comla? Did I say, Kevin? That's me? Okay? Then yeah, go ahead? Yeah. Did you see the guy that was in here that he gets He just kind of swung by it, kind of insult us and then he left. Is he actually a competitor? Because I don't see him anywhere in this role. That's a resident psych out guy. He just comes and psychs you out and then he lives. He's not a contestant. It just comes in, psychs and lives because that's part of the game. Baby, have you never bathroom this before? Professionally? I gotta be honest. He psyched me out and he did his job. Yeah, but now I'm trying to do my job and I'm nervous and I'm a slide down because he did his job, not allowing you to do you allow me to please take over. I was not psyched out by this man. I will dance for you now. Can you please tell me your name so I could look? You said it earlier, said it was I already have your kid go bathroom? Oh no, no, no, America's bathroom dirt, sir. No, I'm sorry. Wait last blast one American bathroom dirt, sir, one more time. Please, I'm sorry. There was a guy here earlier and he kind of got in my head. Uh burke and bathroom dancer? Does he work here or what? Who tell us your story? Well, to be honest, I'm a bus driver from Iowa City, Iowa. How did to go to the bathroom? I apparently bounced into a bathroom dancing competition? How did take How did take a Can I say drop a douce? Let us say that? Yeah? You can say drop adu? How to drop a deuce? And they were having like some sort of dancing things. Some guy was like an announcing thing. I had a pooper bad? Did I say that? Yeah? You could say poop, Sure, go ahead, had a poop? Had a boop so bad? It was? I was moving around? Can I say that? Can I say that too? I was moving around a little bit. You could say that, yeah, So, um, we need to talk about the vulgarity of some of your contestants. Which one the one that I just do? I just do the interview packets, I don't really Okay, Well, you're a post kind of drive and allowing a contestant to say something like moving around m m. That's round upon by the sensors. Well, what would you like him to say other than moving around shuffling a bit, now moving its sucking feet a lot and in a rhythmic way. If you could do that thing, please thank you. This is This is Americans Live. I'm your host Storry with producer Andy. Our special guest contributor for this episode is Brian. Guest in a show, we'll be using our trustee sentence generator to bring you a story and pre improvise acts. This week's theme challenges, they all have them, we all face them on a daily basis. But do we have a rise to the challenge. We're gonna explore that today in this episode, stay with us Act one. I'll turned in the research paper on Friday. Otherwise you would have not passed the class and failed. It was a dealer die situation for Lyle. You've been trying to graduate for several years, but I didn't get past the thesis stage. But this time you thought maybe things were different. Little did he know he was still a lazy piece of ship. And here is right on time, right out. I feel free to feel pretty great. It right here in front of me. It's not a math paper. I have to take it home and read it. You don't want to do you don't want to do that. Teach, you don't want to do that. Just just glance over real quick and just it's it's all. It's all there. Look, Lyle, I know that I have tenure here, and I also know that you've been here for more than that. And I get it. You have seniority over me at this university because simply put, you haven't graduated. Yeah, well this time I'm going to for sure just read you know, just just kind of scam over that. What I just hand it in and work that way. I have to read it at that, do you understand? Yeah? Okay, Fine, take it home and on some really dark sunglasses. Maybe close your eyes, maybe just move your head real real quick and read it. Then you'll see it's all. It's perfect, you know I I might do that. I like these kind of interesting approaches. I think I might do that even better. Let me have the paperback. You go home. Imagine that it's probably really good. Give me a grade boom, but a baying I graduate? Yeah, I had to stay another year. It didn't work. Each I had to get his professor, who he had seniority over since he had been at the university then longer than him, to just skim over his paper and give him an A. But there he was, your twelve at the university, trying to graduate. All right here it is just ignore the hardcover and the it's not an actual paper. Just ignore that grade it. Give me an A and I'll move. I'll graduate finally. Let me see this well again? Really? Hello, words? Now what you have disposable income? Do I know how you staying here that long? This is my twelfth year. I you just get paid for twelve years of college. They just kind of let me hang out. Listen to me, I'm paying credit. WHOA that seems exorbitant. I'm getting ripped off. It seems a little much credit. Can you just here Willy kneeling in it like there's nothing look at it. Give me a paper, give me that. There's that book. It's a good cover. What is this? It's just it's a book. I tried to pass it off as this is my paper. Is a Bible? You put? You grab a bible? Still Bible. You stole bible. Wow, you stole fucking bible. Borrow the fucking Bible. He was suspended from school for a brief amount of time. The university had gone to was a church university. The ship one one of the rules, besides not cheating, it was also not to steal bibles. And I did that and I did it both the same one felt swoop cheating and stealing bibles. He had to repeat another year. Hi, yeah, names Lyle, this is my fourteenth year. And bring him young. I mean, if anybody needs need to show you around, I have a pretty good lay of the land. While you're so freaking old. What are you doing? Is that a no fear shirt? Yeah? So what high school did you go to? Um? I went to center Field High. Oh yeah, I feel high. Ye stay off my chick, Shane, No, listen what Rebecca swear to God? You know what you're gonna say? What am I going to say? Just beautiful? Beautiful? You always say it doesn't change if you're so iggressive, but they are night. I think should have changed in these four thing years had that been here, Shane, continue with your thing. Lyle back the funk off man knows you're bmoc here. Okay, you're fucking big man stands for I've been around the block a few times. I know it's a big man of Cambus. Yeah, yeah, you're big old man. Campus motherfucker who Yeah? How could you? I hid? My god? Lyle found himself in the school hospital is back. I addic it started acting up. Dr walked in gel Lyle the ly sorry. I was tending to another patient. Lyle, I have some bad news. You're don't have to speak up in this year, fly. I have some badness. We'n have to put you down. But we're gonna have to put you down. So can I get in the right here. We're gonna have to put you down. And the sciatic has been acting up. It's all over the place. You're not gonna you're not gonna be able to go another semester, Buddy, Can I at least say goodbye to my grandson before you do? You have a telephone number? Yeah, his name is Kyle hol On. Let me get my jitterbug phone out. Your grandson's name is Kyle Kyle You guys, what's your son's name? Styles? Styles like from Penolf. Your last name is Styles. Yeah, I'm Kyle Style. Your Lyle Styles. I'm sorry, Yes, I'm Lyle Styles. Wait, your son is Kyle Styles, Kyle Styles. My grandson is Kyle. Well, what's your son's name? Style Styles? Okay, we're gonna have to I'm so sorry. We're gonna have to call your son and your grandson and have to tell him that we're putting you down. I'm sorry, miss. Well what about my great granddaughter? What's her name? M right? They contacted his children, his son who was a nice school but still thirty years old. His grandson who was in elementary school but clearly in puberty. Okay, I guess this is it. Pull the plug. If you must, everyone say there goodbyes? What was that? Did everyone say their goodbyes? Here's the problem is if we've been trying to put you down for several semesters. Now it's going on for a couple of years. You've just been hanging around the hospital here, bring him on, and we gotta put you down at some point, buddy, you can't just keep holding on this. How about this? Can't you just like hold the plug on that alarm clock over there and then just kind of pretend you pulled the plug. I mean, say you pulled it, and then just like you know, I don't really die, and the just kind of get easy to like blink your eyes real quickly, close your eyes and just leave and then just say, hey, he's dead. Hey, look hear me out, get my chart, put on some really duck sunglasses, just kind of look at it real quick. Don't acknowledge the fact that I have several ailments and that I'm probably gonna die, okay, and then just we'll say that I'm dead and then I'll just leap coming up back to the first A word from our esteemed sponsors, heay with us, back to interview. Thank you for coming to our show, Mr guest, Oh, thank you, thank you Mr guests for being our guest. Did you easy to get that joke? A lot? Growing up like, can I be a guest at the guest house? Um? I did get that. Yeah, I did get that that joke a lot a lot. Was there of a time when he laughed at it? No, but my I my parents do have um these like these like towels like in the bathroom, like like it's like it says the guesthouse on on the towels, which is like hilarious. Would you get up new Ark, Delaware? And then um, we decided to come to California? Yeah, hike, Um twenty years ago. Uh yeah, I drove across the country in my Honda with all my stuff packed in it. And I lived in my car for a while. Did you really? I did for for a few months. Um did you have any room mates in my car? Just just my boom box? And I think you know jackets a boom box. She's spend so much, so much time with these inanimate objects that they just started spouting life for you to keep your company, kind of like Wilson and that movie Casseway. Yeah, like literally we can became my best friends. We actually have that in our archives. Pride fous I was trying to late. Yeah, you're just like sticking up Oh, so pristley dude, al right, surfboard talk? You talking surfboard? Why? Sorry? I thought you said hot plate, start board? He's talking to you? Is that? Is that what you're inanimate belonging? So like it's pretty spot on. Where did you live in Karaood Street corner? I'm not too far from here actually, um Ventura and Old Water Canyon talk. My car at the Sportsman's Lodge, which does which does not exist anymore? That's right, right, turn into burned down? Really, Sportsman Lodge burned down? Jesus, that's sad. It was like iconic. It was a spot right, Helen, Are you're there for? How long was that in the parking lot for a few months? Did you set the sportsman Lodge fire? Hey? I was hoping we were, I mean until my hot plate got my surfboard on fire? And how did you end up in comedy? You always doing improperly? Did you do other stuff? I did other stuff too? Well? You know, I always loved SNL and that sort of thing and whatnot. Um, but I wanted to like really sort of st wretch, I guess as an actor because I felt I thought it was gonna be a tool to be an actor, right, But then I was like, holy sh it, I love this, Like this is like sort of addicting, and it just sort of took over as far as how I wanted to spend my time being creative. What do you to make yourself happy besides this show? Besides this show? Yes, I mean, this is just the happiest I've been in a while. Guys. You know, I went to the beach to my kids today, so I was kids, I do well. I didn't expect that to young. I didn't expect it either, well, and it happened, beautiful thing. And now do they My daughter's five, and my oldest son is to just turned two. And then I have a four month old today. So you had a baby during COVID, but I did. I got pregnant um at the beginning of COVID. Do you feel like it's difficult to explain to your kids what the whole COVID situation was like if they I guess they have some data prior to scratch that question, how long you've been listening to the show? How long have I listen to this show since the beginning, since the beginning? So okay, we've been on for so many years, several several Yeah, flagship program, longtime listener. Who is more like in person? Who you thought would be? Who's more accurate in your mind when you met us? Me or Andy? Um? Who you? Yeah, I look like you look like you? Can you? Can you describe a lot of people haven't even seen what I look like? Can you describe what I look like? Um? Small? You're small. You're a small person in small like you know, inside and out? Yeah? Well, I don't know. I'm just judging by the outside, right, like a smaller, smaller person, longer hair, longer hair than I expect him, right, whiter hair, And I say, your hair is gorgeous. It isn't that is It's not as long as you think. It's just based on the fact that I'm so small, my hair looks long. But maybe that's It's like an an optical illusion sort of thing. A normal sized person in my hair beat normally. I've never thought of it like that. That's what I'm here to do. Give you a perspective. What's you most did? A childhood memory? And then we'll move on. The word vivid comes at me hard. Um he wrote it. I was against the Where did it I could not write that you did, but I never wrote It's never it's not even in my vernacular. All right, let's change that. What's your most act outable childhood memory? My most okay, what I was gonna say. What I was gonna say is is I remember my parents taking me to the movie Fantasia, the Disney movie Phantasia as a kid. And you know, us going into like the small Newark, Delaware movie theater. They made a big deal of it, like it was like the big Friday night thing, and you know, we're gonna go to the movies, and we didn't have a lot of money, so like kind of movies of the thing. And then we got to the movie theater and we sat there like the first five minutes of Phantasia. My parents were like visibly and viscerally angry that the movie because there's very little nickis it? Basically they're like, what did they take their kids to see? Like a Disney film and there's no me It's just like there's no talking. It's sort of like colors and paints and dancy things and some music, and that's what I remember of a Phantasia. They were pissted and we walked out, Hey, we have that in the archives too. Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the six o'clock showing of Fantasia. Who's ready for Mickey because he won't be appearing. Who's ready for some goofy goofy? Also? Who will not be appearing in Fantasia? Who's ready for some Donald Duck? Donald Duck also will not be appearing in Fantasia. That's when the one I'm up back with the Phantasian movie fired. Come in here you're supposed. Yeah, it's just really hard for me to for me to get these kids excited about something that they're expecting one thing, but then I have to break the news to them that it's not going That told you to break news to them, you piece of ship. I wanted to see you man? Was that what it was like? I mean, spot on its scary house on that one. Thank you so much for doing our show, Brian and sharing with us all these stories. Even though it sounds like I'm letting you go, I'm not. Because we have one more act. You're not letting me go now yet. Well I know that because I'm tied to the chair that's right, and I have the key to the lock that you can't see because the pad luck is tied behind it. It's a very complicated situation. Coming up Act three. First, the word from our sponsors, who make this high quality program possible. Stay with us at three. The bullet. Here's the window, shattering it before missing Danny's head by mirror millimeters. It was very close and it had singe his air, leaving a line on the side of his head. Everybody thought it was a style choice, but Danny knew better. Guy Daddy, look at it with his hair. Look at that look look look good at us, guys. I know, I think you think it's cool. It's I don't want to get into a specific suffice, but it's not. It's not choice. It's not a choice. You talk about not coming in here with his hair doing like it's not a choice. I would love to hear the explanation for this one. You're pouring that way and it wasn't born that way. It's just, you know, I just want to I don't want to talk about it. Maybe let's just say that the clippers slipped. Oh look at this guy doesn't want to talk about It's like that the clippers whipped drink a guy? All right, Yeah, I think I remember the stroke toy. Don't scare me like that. Seriously, what happened? He? Hey, why is it looking like that? Like you just to compress me on it. I guess I'll tell you. Well. Who was by me and my family's home and I thought maybe it was a bow was intended for me or something like that. He's scary bullet. Hey wait a minute, Oh, who going to be the Salvator family. I don't think that's what those would be so reckless. Do you think it was the Gabbootsters going to be the Gaboos family. I don't think there's that many balls to that. Danny one of the greatest soldiers in a cup of old family. I mean, it's pretty serious stuff, but you can't let that stop us from busting his chops. Oh almost almost murdered, almost murdered in front of his family. Were freaks? What's wrong with you? But smiling you face? Yeah? Look, I know a life of crime. You know, everyone's always talking about the families and stuff like that, but you don't want out of it. And you see he really does. He seems visibly shaken up about what you're trying to go up against. The challenge is something. Look when you see life flash before your eyes like that, it's just like why I don't want to I don't know if it was his life first for me anymore, life isn't. I've been painting and stuff like that, like it in the pain and oh like a little stuff like this guy on the cusp of giving up all again and he's he's gonna, hey, can I talk to you for a second. This is pretty serious. He can't quit. I mean, if he does, then he's gotta go. That bullet that wish by him next time is gonna go right in the grape. But really, I think he should talk to somebody about this. This is like but he's going through some very oh before he's talking, I mean, I mean, it's a nice little dinner for of us. It's like a like as a nice riga Tony, I got a little meat sauce, beautiful presentation. Look, it's very nice way he did, but so random. He's all right, I mean he looks sure, but he's I've been painting, and like now I'm getting the call colony arts and stuff like that. I don't I don't even bust my boss bust nay more about in my hand. Let's go back to square one. Then he gets shot, grazes his head by mill of meed is. We look at the scalp and as he's got a thing looks like a design, he said, I didn't do this. Yeah, so it's your so we think it might be some of the families. And then now now we're seeing that he's really been to a lot, and then he wants to cook for us. Yes, I know who did it, Okay, I know sho, I know who pulled the book to trigger any hard time saying who was, because the truth was it was his kid. He was playing with a gun, I was sitting at the house that he didn't even want there to begin with, but he couldn't tell his big mafio so co workers because he was also in the mafia. Come on, who did it? Come on? You picked up somebody in the couple of the Cup of Gold family. We gotta think, look at look at look at the prison chase on his toy. You guys, who shot you? That's all we wanted all if I told you, You're never gonna believe me anyway, He's never gonna believe me. Ship You're not you don't take always to have the doors. Yeah, it's a feed of duchies. Think they're all running the car. Don't know which one it was, like they're all packed into the name Pala and I don't know. And he started a war between the better do Chosen the Bryan family that he operated in still to embarrass philm that it was his son. I was playing with the gun epilog. Hey, Dad, I got something, uh something I want to tell you. Um So I was outside hanging out with some people from a competing family. You know how you told me you never wanted me to get in the family business. I was hanging out out there because you know, I'm on my my gap decade from college. And uh, I was holding a gun and it accidentally went off. I know it's bad, but look, here's what you should do when the police come there, and when they handed the police report, just kind of put some sunglasses on, just kind of loss over what they what they give you, don't really pay much attention to what anybody's saying. And then I'll get away with it. You've been doing this ship for fucking so long, the sunglass fucking ship, Like, look, dare you you don't have any family members you killed with your bullshit laziness. You fuck You're a piece of ship, a piece of guy. Let's be honest. You you don't plug on his motherfucker. You know what. I'm gonna pull the plug on him right now. No, No, you do it because you're just fine at Danny. You can make me do it. I'm gonna make you do it. Yeah, You're gonna do it. I do have a deathbed confession for all of you. My my dad was in the maffia. Yeah, and I because I was hanging out with some kids, some neighborhood kids, and a gun went off and I accidentally the bullet grazed my father's head. And I may or may not have studied a turf war. Okay, pull it now, Producer Andy and their special guests. Right, guest, I'm a whole story. And this was This is Americans Live during its next time. This is Americans Live can be found wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate, and review. You can also find This is Americans Live on Instagram at this is Americans Live and on Twitter at Americans Live

Portions of This Is Americans Live, The improvised documentary podcast, are brought to you by listeners like yourself, are esteemed sponsors, and the all powerful, all knowing Random Sentence Generator, which inspires the stories you're about to hear. Yes, whenever you hear this sound, the next sentence you hear is a random sentence provided by our revered, omnipotent random sentence Generator. For more of This is Americans Live, listen to more episodes of This is Americans Live. I guess and now your first random sentence. He enjoyed pacticing is ballet in the bathroom. You didn't really have a place to do it. It was the only place he had that was private, the only place where he could be himself. Do do do Do? Hey, who's in there? I'm in here my stomach, I've got some serious Did you cook the pork all the way I did? Yeah? Well, I'm really working on something in here. Just give me a five minutes. I'll give you another five. Right. He was a habit, but what he didn't know is that he was actually getting really good. All right? Can I give you my card? Please take the Yeah, I represent with people and I have a feeling that maybe there's something we could do together. Yes, can I speak to the Lawrence Glenville? Hold on? Hold to Lawrence Glenville, hold on before I'm a terrible secretary? Who then is it? Can I speak to you for a moment? Hold on one second? I'm sorry? Can you hold for one second? Yeah? What? So? Um? What are you gonna do? What? I thought we talked about this with the with the possible clients. Yeah, and maybe don't be as vulgar as what as vulgar as vulgar? Vulgar when you're when they call? Really yes, when we when I interviewed, I said, do you want me to do this fucking job? Or now? What do you say? And I said, I would like you to do the job, but just please don't curse as much when you're on the job. You fucking got it, all right? Okay? So all right? Can I just pick up this call? Now? Go ahead? And do I still have to deal with your bullshit right now, but please keep it clean? Okay? Hi? Are you? Who are you waiting for? Again? I'm still holding for Lawrenceville. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna transfer you to Glenville and try my best to hijack this fucking situation. Hold please from Mr Glenville, hold up to say what the fun is your name? Oh, Mike, look and I speak to you one more second. And I just transferred this call first there's a whole other thing that's about to happen. I transfer the call. But Jesus, but I do want to I do want to speak to you after this whole thing. Great, you can talk to me way later. Thank you very much. I'm sorry. What was your name, Stephen, Stephen old Stephen, Mr Glenville. I'm looking at you, motherfucker. Mr Glenville. I was given your card. Yes, I'd like to represent you. Next thing you knew Stephen was in front of UH live studio audience about to enter a makeshift tiny bathroom. You go dance for three judges that would decided bathroom dancer with your host Don Yeah, my names John. I want to see you dance in the bathroom now, okay, the other one dancers. I haven't started yet. Let me you toilet down, okay, please, I need now. Nobody knew that there was a continency of people in the country. You were probably dancing in bathrooms, but this show figured it out. It turned it into a syndicated contest Joe called America's bathroom Dancer. Can we get a dancer? Please? Hi? Hello? And what would you be dancing next to the toilet? That's exactly what I'll be doing, dancing next to toilet. So just dance thing next to toilet and then that's it. Okay, go hu. Any of the other judges going to say something about this toilet dancer? You were dancing on the toilet. Never before have I seen such a rendition of the one you just did I have. I'm not done. Sorry. I came up as a young lad in Wincestershire, always dreaming of the day I wouldn't be a judge on a dancing competition. Well, I went to excuse me? This knock knocking? Is this bathroom? Yeah, someone's in here. He was a surprised guest. And you can DestinE who does snuck on stage and just stow everybody's hearts. I've seen a lot of dancing. I've seen toilet dancing. Look I'm just wiggling like that because I gotta go. And it came brilliant, your go into Los Angeles congratulation. I gotta go. To the bathroom. Let's see what some of our other gift judges think about the should I should we send him to Los Angeles? Well, I guess. Let me answer your question with another question. What is dancing? Where is dancing? What is bathroom? Where is bathroom? What? I was a young boy in winston Shire, finnal coimpetition came around Los Angeles. The bathroom dancers gathered, competing for one spot to be the ultimate bathroom dancwer. I'm nervous. This is what I'm nervous, So nervous. I'm more nervous. I'm nervous because you guys are I don't know, not that great. I'm just saying, look, I'm just being honest. I'm not psyching you out. I'm just saying, maybe practice a little bit more before you come and play with the big boys. Okeep bine. That guy wasn't That wasn't very nice at all. Was about two things. First, I was just nervous about the competition. But now I'm kind of nervous that that everyone knows in the bathroom dancing community that you just have to be nice. I know. Okay, we're ready for dance today. Yeah, we're gonna go in orders. Okay, you're Marca? Yeah yeah, Marco, you're going up first, Kevin's You're going up sick. You gotta be honest. I'm a little nervous to go third. Kevin, Well, there's just I'm sure I'll go thirds or New York. I don't mind going forth. Chris Staph what about you? I would like to go easy if fifth spot? Thank you? Dan Constein, wait about you? Whatever? Cog are only K nine dancer? What are you about you? Can I ask a real quick question? I have more comla? Did I say, Kevin? That's me? Okay? Then yeah, go ahead? Yeah. Did you see the guy that was in here that he gets He just kind of swung by it, kind of insult us and then he left. Is he actually a competitor? Because I don't see him anywhere in this role. That's a resident psych out guy. He just comes and psychs you out and then he lives. He's not a contestant. It just comes in, psychs and lives because that's part of the game. Baby, have you never bathroom this before? Professionally? I gotta be honest. He psyched me out and he did his job. Yeah, but now I'm trying to do my job and I'm nervous and I'm a slide down because he did his job, not allowing you to do you allow me to please take over. I was not psyched out by this man. I will dance for you now. Can you please tell me your name so I could look? You said it earlier, said it was I already have your kid go bathroom? Oh no, no, no, America's bathroom dirt, sir. No, I'm sorry. Wait last blast one American bathroom dirt, sir, one more time. Please, I'm sorry. There was a guy here earlier and he kind of got in my head. Uh burke and bathroom dancer? Does he work here or what? Who tell us your story? Well, to be honest, I'm a bus driver from Iowa City, Iowa. How did to go to the bathroom? I apparently bounced into a bathroom dancing competition? How did take How did take a Can I say drop a douce? Let us say that? Yeah? You can say drop adu? How to drop a deuce? And they were having like some sort of dancing things. Some guy was like an announcing thing. I had a pooper bad? Did I say that? Yeah? You could say poop, Sure, go ahead, had a poop? Had a boop so bad? It was? I was moving around? Can I say that? Can I say that too? I was moving around a little bit. You could say that, yeah, So, um, we need to talk about the vulgarity of some of your contestants. Which one the one that I just do? I just do the interview packets, I don't really Okay, Well, you're a post kind of drive and allowing a contestant to say something like moving around m m. That's round upon by the sensors. Well, what would you like him to say other than moving around shuffling a bit, now moving its sucking feet a lot and in a rhythmic way. If you could do that thing, please thank you. This is This is Americans Live. I'm your host Storry with producer Andy. Our special guest contributor for this episode is Brian. Guest in a show, we'll be using our trustee sentence generator to bring you a story and pre improvise acts. This week's theme challenges, they all have them, we all face them on a daily basis. But do we have a rise to the challenge. We're gonna explore that today in this episode, stay with us Act one. I'll turned in the research paper on Friday. Otherwise you would have not passed the class and failed. It was a dealer die situation for Lyle. You've been trying to graduate for several years, but I didn't get past the thesis stage. But this time you thought maybe things were different. Little did he know he was still a lazy piece of ship. And here is right on time, right out. I feel free to feel pretty great. It right here in front of me. It's not a math paper. I have to take it home and read it. You don't want to do you don't want to do that. Teach, you don't want to do that. Just just glance over real quick and just it's it's all. It's all there. Look, Lyle, I know that I have tenure here, and I also know that you've been here for more than that. And I get it. You have seniority over me at this university because simply put, you haven't graduated. Yeah, well this time I'm going to for sure just read you know, just just kind of scam over that. What I just hand it in and work that way. I have to read it at that, do you understand? Yeah? Okay, Fine, take it home and on some really dark sunglasses. Maybe close your eyes, maybe just move your head real real quick and read it. Then you'll see it's all. It's perfect, you know I I might do that. I like these kind of interesting approaches. I think I might do that even better. Let me have the paperback. You go home. Imagine that it's probably really good. Give me a grade boom, but a baying I graduate? Yeah, I had to stay another year. It didn't work. Each I had to get his professor, who he had seniority over since he had been at the university then longer than him, to just skim over his paper and give him an A. But there he was, your twelve at the university, trying to graduate. All right here it is just ignore the hardcover and the it's not an actual paper. Just ignore that grade it. Give me an A and I'll move. I'll graduate finally. Let me see this well again? Really? Hello, words? Now what you have disposable income? Do I know how you staying here that long? This is my twelfth year. I you just get paid for twelve years of college. They just kind of let me hang out. Listen to me, I'm paying credit. WHOA that seems exorbitant. I'm getting ripped off. It seems a little much credit. Can you just here Willy kneeling in it like there's nothing look at it. Give me a paper, give me that. There's that book. It's a good cover. What is this? It's just it's a book. I tried to pass it off as this is my paper. Is a Bible? You put? You grab a bible? Still Bible. You stole bible. Wow, you stole fucking bible. Borrow the fucking Bible. He was suspended from school for a brief amount of time. The university had gone to was a church university. The ship one one of the rules, besides not cheating, it was also not to steal bibles. And I did that and I did it both the same one felt swoop cheating and stealing bibles. He had to repeat another year. Hi, yeah, names Lyle, this is my fourteenth year. And bring him young. I mean, if anybody needs need to show you around, I have a pretty good lay of the land. While you're so freaking old. What are you doing? Is that a no fear shirt? Yeah? So what high school did you go to? Um? I went to center Field High. Oh yeah, I feel high. Ye stay off my chick, Shane, No, listen what Rebecca swear to God? You know what you're gonna say? What am I going to say? Just beautiful? Beautiful? You always say it doesn't change if you're so iggressive, but they are night. I think should have changed in these four thing years had that been here, Shane, continue with your thing. Lyle back the funk off man knows you're bmoc here. Okay, you're fucking big man stands for I've been around the block a few times. I know it's a big man of Cambus. Yeah, yeah, you're big old man. Campus motherfucker who Yeah? How could you? I hid? My god? Lyle found himself in the school hospital is back. I addic it started acting up. Dr walked in gel Lyle the ly sorry. I was tending to another patient. Lyle, I have some bad news. You're don't have to speak up in this year, fly. I have some badness. We'n have to put you down. But we're gonna have to put you down. So can I get in the right here. We're gonna have to put you down. And the sciatic has been acting up. It's all over the place. You're not gonna you're not gonna be able to go another semester, Buddy, Can I at least say goodbye to my grandson before you do? You have a telephone number? Yeah, his name is Kyle hol On. Let me get my jitterbug phone out. Your grandson's name is Kyle Kyle You guys, what's your son's name? Styles? Styles like from Penolf. Your last name is Styles. Yeah, I'm Kyle Style. Your Lyle Styles. I'm sorry, Yes, I'm Lyle Styles. Wait, your son is Kyle Styles, Kyle Styles. My grandson is Kyle. Well, what's your son's name? Style Styles? Okay, we're gonna have to I'm so sorry. We're gonna have to call your son and your grandson and have to tell him that we're putting you down. I'm sorry, miss. Well what about my great granddaughter? What's her name? M right? They contacted his children, his son who was a nice school but still thirty years old. His grandson who was in elementary school but clearly in puberty. Okay, I guess this is it. Pull the plug. If you must, everyone say there goodbyes? What was that? Did everyone say their goodbyes? Here's the problem is if we've been trying to put you down for several semesters. Now it's going on for a couple of years. You've just been hanging around the hospital here, bring him on, and we gotta put you down at some point, buddy, you can't just keep holding on this. How about this? Can't you just like hold the plug on that alarm clock over there and then just kind of pretend you pulled the plug. I mean, say you pulled it, and then just like you know, I don't really die, and the just kind of get easy to like blink your eyes real quickly, close your eyes and just leave and then just say, hey, he's dead. Hey, look hear me out, get my chart, put on some really duck sunglasses, just kind of look at it real quick. Don't acknowledge the fact that I have several ailments and that I'm probably gonna die, okay, and then just we'll say that I'm dead and then I'll just leap coming up back to the first A word from our esteemed sponsors, heay with us, back to interview. Thank you for coming to our show, Mr guest, Oh, thank you, thank you Mr guests for being our guest. Did you easy to get that joke? A lot? Growing up like, can I be a guest at the guest house? Um? I did get that. Yeah, I did get that that joke a lot a lot. Was there of a time when he laughed at it? No, but my I my parents do have um these like these like towels like in the bathroom, like like it's like it says the guesthouse on on the towels, which is like hilarious. Would you get up new Ark, Delaware? And then um, we decided to come to California? Yeah, hike, Um twenty years ago. Uh yeah, I drove across the country in my Honda with all my stuff packed in it. And I lived in my car for a while. Did you really? I did for for a few months. Um did you have any room mates in my car? Just just my boom box? And I think you know jackets a boom box. She's spend so much, so much time with these inanimate objects that they just started spouting life for you to keep your company, kind of like Wilson and that movie Casseway. Yeah, like literally we can became my best friends. We actually have that in our archives. Pride fous I was trying to late. Yeah, you're just like sticking up Oh, so pristley dude, al right, surfboard talk? You talking surfboard? Why? Sorry? I thought you said hot plate, start board? He's talking to you? Is that? Is that what you're inanimate belonging? So like it's pretty spot on. Where did you live in Karaood Street corner? I'm not too far from here actually, um Ventura and Old Water Canyon talk. My car at the Sportsman's Lodge, which does which does not exist anymore? That's right, right, turn into burned down? Really, Sportsman Lodge burned down? Jesus, that's sad. It was like iconic. It was a spot right, Helen, Are you're there for? How long was that in the parking lot for a few months? Did you set the sportsman Lodge fire? Hey? I was hoping we were, I mean until my hot plate got my surfboard on fire? And how did you end up in comedy? You always doing improperly? Did you do other stuff? I did other stuff too? Well? You know, I always loved SNL and that sort of thing and whatnot. Um, but I wanted to like really sort of st wretch, I guess as an actor because I felt I thought it was gonna be a tool to be an actor, right, But then I was like, holy sh it, I love this, Like this is like sort of addicting, and it just sort of took over as far as how I wanted to spend my time being creative. What do you to make yourself happy besides this show? Besides this show? Yes, I mean, this is just the happiest I've been in a while. Guys. You know, I went to the beach to my kids today, so I was kids, I do well. I didn't expect that to young. I didn't expect it either, well, and it happened, beautiful thing. And now do they My daughter's five, and my oldest son is to just turned two. And then I have a four month old today. So you had a baby during COVID, but I did. I got pregnant um at the beginning of COVID. Do you feel like it's difficult to explain to your kids what the whole COVID situation was like if they I guess they have some data prior to scratch that question, how long you've been listening to the show? How long have I listen to this show since the beginning, since the beginning? So okay, we've been on for so many years, several several Yeah, flagship program, longtime listener. Who is more like in person? Who you thought would be? Who's more accurate in your mind when you met us? Me or Andy? Um? Who you? Yeah, I look like you look like you? Can you? Can you describe a lot of people haven't even seen what I look like? Can you describe what I look like? Um? Small? You're small. You're a small person in small like you know, inside and out? Yeah? Well, I don't know. I'm just judging by the outside, right, like a smaller, smaller person, longer hair, longer hair than I expect him, right, whiter hair, And I say, your hair is gorgeous. It isn't that is It's not as long as you think. It's just based on the fact that I'm so small, my hair looks long. But maybe that's It's like an an optical illusion sort of thing. A normal sized person in my hair beat normally. I've never thought of it like that. That's what I'm here to do. Give you a perspective. What's you most did? A childhood memory? And then we'll move on. The word vivid comes at me hard. Um he wrote it. I was against the Where did it I could not write that you did, but I never wrote It's never it's not even in my vernacular. All right, let's change that. What's your most act outable childhood memory? My most okay, what I was gonna say. What I was gonna say is is I remember my parents taking me to the movie Fantasia, the Disney movie Phantasia as a kid. And you know, us going into like the small Newark, Delaware movie theater. They made a big deal of it, like it was like the big Friday night thing, and you know, we're gonna go to the movies, and we didn't have a lot of money, so like kind of movies of the thing. And then we got to the movie theater and we sat there like the first five minutes of Phantasia. My parents were like visibly and viscerally angry that the movie because there's very little nickis it? Basically they're like, what did they take their kids to see? Like a Disney film and there's no me It's just like there's no talking. It's sort of like colors and paints and dancy things and some music, and that's what I remember of a Phantasia. They were pissted and we walked out, Hey, we have that in the archives too. Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the six o'clock showing of Fantasia. Who's ready for Mickey because he won't be appearing. Who's ready for some goofy goofy? Also? Who will not be appearing in Fantasia? Who's ready for some Donald Duck? Donald Duck also will not be appearing in Fantasia. That's when the one I'm up back with the Phantasian movie fired. Come in here you're supposed. Yeah, it's just really hard for me to for me to get these kids excited about something that they're expecting one thing, but then I have to break the news to them that it's not going That told you to break news to them, you piece of ship. I wanted to see you man? Was that what it was like? I mean, spot on its scary house on that one. Thank you so much for doing our show, Brian and sharing with us all these stories. Even though it sounds like I'm letting you go, I'm not. Because we have one more act. You're not letting me go now yet. Well I know that because I'm tied to the chair that's right, and I have the key to the lock that you can't see because the pad luck is tied behind it. It's a very complicated situation. Coming up Act three. First, the word from our sponsors, who make this high quality program possible. Stay with us at three. The bullet. Here's the window, shattering it before missing Danny's head by mirror millimeters. It was very close and it had singe his air, leaving a line on the side of his head. Everybody thought it was a style choice, but Danny knew better. Guy Daddy, look at it with his hair. Look at that look look look good at us, guys. I know, I think you think it's cool. It's I don't want to get into a specific suffice, but it's not. It's not choice. It's not a choice. You talk about not coming in here with his hair doing like it's not a choice. I would love to hear the explanation for this one. You're pouring that way and it wasn't born that way. It's just, you know, I just want to I don't want to talk about it. Maybe let's just say that the clippers slipped. Oh look at this guy doesn't want to talk about It's like that the clippers whipped drink a guy? All right, Yeah, I think I remember the stroke toy. Don't scare me like that. Seriously, what happened? He? Hey, why is it looking like that? Like you just to compress me on it. I guess I'll tell you. Well. Who was by me and my family's home and I thought maybe it was a bow was intended for me or something like that. He's scary bullet. Hey wait a minute, Oh, who going to be the Salvator family. I don't think that's what those would be so reckless. Do you think it was the Gabbootsters going to be the Gaboos family. I don't think there's that many balls to that. Danny one of the greatest soldiers in a cup of old family. I mean, it's pretty serious stuff, but you can't let that stop us from busting his chops. Oh almost almost murdered, almost murdered in front of his family. Were freaks? What's wrong with you? But smiling you face? Yeah? Look, I know a life of crime. You know, everyone's always talking about the families and stuff like that, but you don't want out of it. And you see he really does. He seems visibly shaken up about what you're trying to go up against. The challenge is something. Look when you see life flash before your eyes like that, it's just like why I don't want to I don't know if it was his life first for me anymore, life isn't. I've been painting and stuff like that, like it in the pain and oh like a little stuff like this guy on the cusp of giving up all again and he's he's gonna, hey, can I talk to you for a second. This is pretty serious. He can't quit. I mean, if he does, then he's gotta go. That bullet that wish by him next time is gonna go right in the grape. But really, I think he should talk to somebody about this. This is like but he's going through some very oh before he's talking, I mean, I mean, it's a nice little dinner for of us. It's like a like as a nice riga Tony, I got a little meat sauce, beautiful presentation. Look, it's very nice way he did, but so random. He's all right, I mean he looks sure, but he's I've been painting, and like now I'm getting the call colony arts and stuff like that. I don't I don't even bust my boss bust nay more about in my hand. Let's go back to square one. Then he gets shot, grazes his head by mill of meed is. We look at the scalp and as he's got a thing looks like a design, he said, I didn't do this. Yeah, so it's your so we think it might be some of the families. And then now now we're seeing that he's really been to a lot, and then he wants to cook for us. Yes, I know who did it, Okay, I know sho, I know who pulled the book to trigger any hard time saying who was, because the truth was it was his kid. He was playing with a gun, I was sitting at the house that he didn't even want there to begin with, but he couldn't tell his big mafio so co workers because he was also in the mafia. Come on, who did it? Come on? You picked up somebody in the couple of the Cup of Gold family. We gotta think, look at look at look at the prison chase on his toy. You guys, who shot you? That's all we wanted all if I told you, You're never gonna believe me anyway, He's never gonna believe me. Ship You're not you don't take always to have the doors. Yeah, it's a feed of duchies. Think they're all running the car. Don't know which one it was, like they're all packed into the name Pala and I don't know. And he started a war between the better do Chosen the Bryan family that he operated in still to embarrass philm that it was his son. I was playing with the gun epilog. Hey, Dad, I got something, uh something I want to tell you. Um So I was outside hanging out with some people from a competing family. You know how you told me you never wanted me to get in the family business. I was hanging out out there because you know, I'm on my my gap decade from college. And uh, I was holding a gun and it accidentally went off. I know it's bad, but look, here's what you should do when the police come there, and when they handed the police report, just kind of put some sunglasses on, just kind of loss over what they what they give you, don't really pay much attention to what anybody's saying. And then I'll get away with it. You've been doing this ship for fucking so long, the sunglass fucking ship, Like, look, dare you you don't have any family members you killed with your bullshit laziness. You fuck You're a piece of ship, a piece of guy. Let's be honest. You you don't plug on his motherfucker. You know what. I'm gonna pull the plug on him right now. No, No, you do it because you're just fine at Danny. You can make me do it. I'm gonna make you do it. Yeah, You're gonna do it. I do have a deathbed confession for all of you. My my dad was in the maffia. Yeah, and I because I was hanging out with some kids, some neighborhood kids, and a gun went off and I accidentally the bullet grazed my father's head. And I may or may not have studied a turf war. Okay, pull it now, Producer Andy and their special guests. Right, guest, I'm a whole story. And this was This is Americans Live during its next time. This is Americans Live can be found wherever you get your podcasts. Be sure to subscribe, rate, and review. You can also find This is Americans Live on Instagram at this is Americans Live and on Twitter at Americans Live