You Can't Undo Your Mother

Published Aug 23, 2023, 10:00 AM

After sharing news about her relationship with her daughter, Iyanla invites two callers to examine their desire to cut their mothers out of their lives. What may seem like an easy way to move on turns into an exercise in forgiveness and the recognition of their own dark sides.

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This is a rebroadcast of Episode 2. 

I am a yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher for salm, and a soft place to fall for others. And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself enough to be able to share my love with other people. Welcome to the Rspot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. I have a confession I want to make today. My daughter, My adult daughter, has decided she doesn't want to speak to me. For many many months, she ghosted me, wouldn't respond to my telephone calls, wouldn't answer my texts, and when we did connect, she acted like nothing were going on, as if I were crazy. Now there are days when my sanity can be questioned, but that's not the issue. The issue here is how does a child, an adult child, resolve issues, upset breakdowns with their mother as an adult And why is it that we think it's okay to just cut our mothers off. Now I'm not talking about a physically abusive or verbally abusive mother. I'm talking about a mother that you have differences with because you're a woman and she's a woman. What makes us think that it's okay to just cut our mothers off. And if you are a mother, how do you think it would feel for your child to cut you off? It's hard, it's a hard life when you're in breakdown with your mother. But we need to talk about it. When it comes to your mother, my question is how do you know this is about her and not about you? How do you know this is not about how you see things, feel things, and just about who she is as a person. And the other difficulty in dealing with mothers is learning how to be an adult in the face of your mommy. Now listen. As a mother, I know that mothers can be difficult, but I also know that there is no greater love, no greater connection than the one between a mother and a child. So when there's a breakdown between a mother and an adult child, I am sorry to say that everybody has to take responsibility for their part in the breakdown, even me. And that's why we're going to talk about it today. Greeting's beloved, Welcome to the R Spot where we discuss all things relationships. So what is the problem, issue, challenge question you would like us to nibble on today?

How do you move on if you don't have a good relationship with your mother?

How do you move on? Or how do I move on?

No? How do I move on?

Good? Because so very often in relationships, when we have a breakdown or challenge, an issue, a problem, we externalize it. How do you do so and so when your mother?

No?

How do I do so and so? When my mother?

Yeah?

You want to own all of it so that you can get to it. How do I move on when I don't have a good relationship with my mother? So I need to clarify two things. What does move on mean? And what does good relationship mean?

Move on means I don't want to be bothered with her anymore. She's not a good person. That's a hard thing for me to say. I'm a mother, Okay, so that's very hard for me to say. And the other thing is is do it in a peaceful way where you know, I forgive her because my kids are watching me.

I don't want to be bothered with her anymore because she's not a good person. I just want to scratch there for a moment. Okay, are you willing?

Yeah?

Of course, I don't want to be bothered with her. What does that mean?

I don't want her in my life on any level.

Well, that's not going to happen, so let's move on to the next thing. Let me tell you why. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Because it's a lifetime relationship. Her blood runs through your veins. You know her better than she knows herself because you lived inside of her body, and perhaps you can see feel sense some of her contradictions and failures because you lived within her things that she's not conscious of herself. Now you get to choose how to be in relationship with her, even if that's you sent a Christmas card, a Mother's Day card, a birthday card. But as long as you have upset with her, you will be in relationship with her. What you want to be is in peaceful relationship with her. Would that be accurate?

No, I don't want to be in any relationship with her, but you are.

That's not going to change. Her blood runs through your veins, So you are rejecting or trying to detach from a piece of yourself. Your mother is your heart. The first sound you heard as a living being was her heart beat. There's no way you cannot be in relationship with her. You get to choose the kind of relationship you have with her.

Okay, and that's I guess. I want to be at peace with the kind of relationship I'm choosing with her. Does that make Does that make better sense?

Yes, that makes more sense. But as long as you feel I don't want her in my life, I don't want to be in relationship. You're fighting against yourself, beloved. Your relationship with your mother is a lifetime relationship. You cannot undo her being your mother. You can undo a husband, you can undo a boss. If you shere blood, you can't undo that. You can't undo it.

Okay.

This is so very curious to me because very recently I did some deep spiritual work and in that process of the work, what I became aware of, or what I was guided to recognize, is my daughter has a very contentious relationship with me. I could not figure out why I've given, I've done, I've boodabah, you know, right, And no matter how much I do, it's not enough. No matter what I do, it's not right, no matter you know anything that it's just you know, she's just an enemy to me, or it feels that way. And what I recognized or what I was shown in this work that I was doing on myself was that she is the part of me that I reject, deny, avoid and resist. She is my shadow self, and the way that I am with her is the way that I am with the peace of myself. The piece I don't like, the peach I don't recognize, the piece that I don't want to acknowledge admit, and she just shows up to support me in learning how to be compassionate with all of me. Now, my situation is the reverse of yours, because you the daughter saying you don't want to be in relationship with the mother, and I have been the mother saying I don't want to be in relationship with the daughter because of the way she treats me. So here's my question, beloved, what part of your mother represents a part of you that maybe you're unaware of or unaccepting of, or having become conscious of.

Yet Oh, I know exactly which one. In my home, the only emotion was how to be mean and evil? Ah, yeah, that is something that I work through every day. My husband when he first met me, why do you always have a scowl on your face? Why you know? And so that part, like I know how to be mean and evil, but to be kind takes more effort. Yeah.

Yeah, Well, to be kind takes an open heart. And when there's a breakdown between the mother and the daughter, I don't care who the mother is, who the daughter is. When there's a breakdown between the mother and the daughter, the heart is shut down.

Wow.

So tell me. You say you're a mother, you have daughters, and what's your daughter's name.

My daughter's name is Tyler.

Let's make believe. Okay. Tyler is talking to this woman on the radio program and she says to the woman this, I want you to close your eyes and hear that I don't want to be bothered with my mother because she is not a good person. That's what Tyler is saying. How does that make you feel?

It hurts me to my core?

Yeah, because in your mind, just like me, you've done everything, You've given everything. You didn't treat her like your mother treated you. You don't do the things that your mother did. What is she talking about? But that's Tyler's experience. So what if your experience of your mother is not necessarily true, But it's the story that you've made up about the way you've interpreted who she is and how she behaves.

I feel like I've been open when I've been hurt. You hurt me when you did this, and she would do it again, and see I don't have time for that.

Well, see you think that she did it again to you as opposed to do it again as a reflection of her consciousness and maybe her inability to resolve with her mother or with the dark part of herself. I'm telling you, they told me everything I don't like about my daughter is the stuff I don't like and accept about me. Maybe everything that you don't like and accept about your mother is the stuff that you don't like and accept about yourself. Because think of it this way, it's not so much beloved what happens, as it is the story we tell ourselves about what happens. So here's the story. My mother put me in the trunk of the car, all right, that's what happened. She put you in the trunk of the car. Now, maybe she snatched you and puts you in there. Maybe she tricked you to go in there. Maybe she threw you in there. She threw you in the trunk of the car. That's what happened. The story you tell yourself about it is my mother threw me in the trunk of the car because she hates me. My mother threw me in the trunk of the car because she's crazy. My mother threw me in the trunk of the car. And she shouldn't have done that, because she should have known I'm scared of the dark, and I didn't have anything to eat, and I had to pee, and she shouldn't have done it. The truth is, she put you in the trunk of the car, perhaps with no explanation. What changes the experience into something more devastating is what you tell yourself about it, and what you tell yourself about her. So I tell my mother what she does that hurts me, and she does it again because she's not a good person. She does it again because she don't care about me. The only thing she do is think about herself. She did it again because she never hears what I'm saying. She don't care what she's doing to people. She's a selfish cow. She did it. Can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you.

Is it that she does it again or is it what you tell yourself about why she does it again.

It's both. I think it really is okay.

But the one that matters is what you tell yourself because you want to believe what you think is true. You're gonna believe that. Why would your mother consciously do something to.

Hurt you because she's not a good person.

Well, that means you were born from not a good person. So there's not good in you two.

Now, with those I love.

If you do it anywhere, you do it everywhere, just when you think, just when you think. What I'm aware of now is that my daughter isn't responding to me necessarily about who I am and what I do. She's responding to me to show me the way I treat those dark parts of myself. I deny them, I reject them, I avoid them, I resist them, I detach from them. So my job isn't trying to fix my relationship with my daughter. My job is to shine lights on the part of me that I don't embrace and accept and acknowledge. That's my work, and to be grateful to her for showing me. Your mother's not a good person and the first thing you heard was her heartbeat, then there's not good in you, and you probably have no idea of how it shows up. You want to find out. Ask your kids. They'll tell you.

Oh, they tell me, oh baby, they tell me oh.

Yeah, And what do you say when they tell you that? That would lead Tyler to say, I don't want to be bothered with my mother because she's not a good person. And what do you do with what they tell you?

Oh? We I've hired a counselor for them, and then I've been brought in on the counseling session because I'm at the root of everything. I'm open to it because I want to be my best me.

Well, your best me means learning how to embrace your mother as she is and creating a relationship with her that honors who you are. That's how you're going to be the best you. You can't walk away from her. Five years you haven't spoken to her, so then why is it still a problem? Beloved? Can you imagine not speaking to Tyler for five years?

No? I can't.

I mean really, Well, then you need too, because that's what you're creating. Because the only way to truly heal a situation is to experience it from both sides. If you don't do the conscious work to heal something, then you are going to experience it from the other side so that you have a full view of what's going on, and this is one of those family breakdowns. If, first of all, it is very common. It's very common. That's number one, because either the mother can't see herself and the daughter, or the daughter won't see herself and the mother. And we're so busy trying not to be like our mother or what we judge our mother to be, that we end up being just like her. Oh my god, I've become my mother. After the break we'll continue to unpack the difficult to navigate relationship between mothers and daughters. Welcome back to the R spot. Now let's get back into the conversation. So let me say this. My mother's not a good person and that makes me feel what. Take a breath. My mother's not a good person.

My mother's not a good person, and it makes me feel alone.

Uh huh, come on, take a breath.

My mother's not a good person and I feel unwanted.

Yes, okay, now listen to this one. My mother is evil and that makes me feel what.

My mother is evil and that makes me feel ashamed.

Ah, take a breath, baby. My mother's narcissistic and that makes me feel what.

I never want to be bothered with. Her again.

Is that true?

That's true?

Is there something as true or truer than the statement that I never want to be bothered with my mother again? Is it something as true or truer? How about I love my mother and I miss her, but I don't know how to be with her and if it doesn't fit that's okay?

Okay?

Is that as true or truer? Yeah, okay, take a breath. Yeah. How about this one as true or ture? I love my mother, but I'm ashamed of who she is. I'm ashamed of how she behaves. Is that as true or true?

Trure?

How about this one? I want to be in relationship with my mother, but only if she changes.

That's not true because she can't change.

Well, you don't know that to be true. She can change, and you know what else can change? Your perspective of her, how you see her, how you old her. Because you're speaking the story as if your mother's intention in life is to hurt you, leave you alone, treat you bad. If your mother's narcissistic, then she's got a mental and emotional imbalance that she either has no awareness of or no control.

Yes, I figured I have figured that out. Yes, And I don't know how.

To deal with it well again, Mother's Day card, Birthday card, Christmas card, Because your first responsibility is to protect yourself. And you didn't say this, but I sense it. The way your mother behaves frightens you and you don't feel safe in her presence. Is that true?

That's very true?

Okay, so beloved, your work isn't about creating a relationship with your mother. Your relationship is investigating a loneness, unwantedness, shame, and not feeling safe. That's your work. What is it that she's done that makes you feel alone? And when else do you feel that way? What is it that she's done, or how is it that she's been with you that makes you feel unwanted? And when else do you feel that way? When what has she done or how has she been with you that makes you feel ashamed? Because if you've got a mother that hurts you consciously and treats you poorly, yeah, I'd be ashamed to have that as my mother. But when else do you feel that way? You clean up those things and she's going to start looking different. But even more important, how do you do it? That's what I have to look at with my daughter. How do I do what she does? And it may not be that I do it now or that I do it consciously? How have I done what my daughter does? And I can see it. When I looked at it like that, I was like, Oh Jesus, just let me go down and drink brown liquors straight out the bottle. And I don't even drink, but I'm a drink brown liquor straight up out the bottle. Because when I looked at it that way, how have I done that? And to whom? And can I forgive myself for when I've done that? And what that did for me was give me more compassion for her. And it also set me up so that if I had to walk away, I would walk away. But it was a choice, not a reaction. You're walking away from your mother out of reaction, not out of choice. That means she's got the power you don't.

I thought I was making a choice, but I hadn't made a choice because I hadn't worked on this stuff.

If you haven't spoken to your mother in five years and you got to call me to ask me how to move on, you done moved on, but you don't feel You don't feel that because you haven't cleared your heart.

Yeah, that part I need to do. I really how old is your daughter? My daughter is fifteen.

Yeah, baby, she can give you some truth.

Oh she does. So she gave me some yesterday.

And what did you do with it?

I listened and I changed. She told me that you don't go places in places like Sephora. I don't like makeup. She wants to be a makeup artist. And I always say, well, you go down to Sephora. I'm going here, and she said, I want you to be with me and present. That's what she told me.

So what she's saying to you is I don't want to go to Sephora alone.

Yep, that's exactly what she said. She said that too.

Yeah, and you'd feel alone without your mom. And you're doing to her. You're modeling to her the very same thing you complain about with your mother.

Oh that's her.

Oh yes, Oh yeah. You're setting yourself up, baby, because you've really got to unpack that story that you're telling yourself about your mom. And that doesn't mean that she's the best person or that she did it. She did. You know, some mothers feed their kids out the trash can, but you know what, they will walk three and a half miles in a blizzard to go uptown to get the best trash they can find. Don't mean they didn't feed their kids trash, but as a mom, they went to find the best trash they could. But when the kids grow up, you know what they're gonna say, my mom fed me out the.

Trash can, right they ad.

They're gonna discount the fact that she walked three and a half miles in a blizzard, up and back three and a half miles, that's seven miles to get the best trash because they got better trash uptown then they had downtown, and all she had to give was trash. She went to get the best trash she can find. But what the kids are gonna remember is my mama fed me out the trash can. That's what Tyler's gonna remember. She's gonna remember that the thing that's burning in her soul and her spirit, she wants to be a makeup artist. You don't have any interest in, so you send her to Sephora alone. That your voice and your wisdom and your insight, you better start liking makeup. And if you don't like it, fake it till you make it because it's important to her. Okay, it's important to her, and probably your mother never had a conversation with a fool like me who would say, you don't have to like it. If it's important to her, make yourself like it.

Exactly. You're right. It's going to change my life. Thank you.

It's not so much about forgiving your mother as it is about forgiving yourself, for judging your mother for the way she's been with you and how it's made you feel. She's been out your life five years and you can still pull up. I feel alone if you got a husband and two kids and you feel unmaunted because your heart's not clean. So here's your assignment. Clean up your heart and your mother will shift, and then you choose how to be in relationship with her. Choose how to be in relationship. Don't react to her behavior, you know, Let this be your healing intention that I want to heal so that Tyler never has to feel about me the way I feel about my mother. Yeah, courageous, courageous, courageous, courageous woman. You are for calling because it is deep level healing that you are doing here, and it's so common. So I want to thank you for all of the mothers out there whose daughters don't speak to them, and all of the daughters out there who don't speak to their mother, and all the mothers and daughters who are struggling, you know, through these kinds of issues because you know, we don't know how to heal it, and so thank you for your courage. I'm going to send you to prayer, and I'm going to wish you the best. Stay in touch, send me an email every now and then and let me know how you're doing.

Okay, okay, thank you so much, Miscellian Hona, thank you.

Thank you, my love, and thank you for calling me our spot. So before you cut your mother off, you owe it to yourself to do everything in your power to at least come to a place of peace, to at least be at peace in your mind and in your heart with who your mother is, just as she is. Now here's the good news. You don't need the other person, your mother to heal, in order for you to heal the breakdown. Now here's a not so good news. You don't need the other person to heal in order for you to heal your experience of the breakdown. Why is that because more often than not, when it's a family breakdown a lifetime relationship, we think the other person also has to heal. That is not true. You can do the healing work. You can have a relationship because you get to choose a breakdown. In a family relationship when they're shared blood, the only escape route is forgiveness, and that's usually the last thing we want to do. We'll dive into how to do that after the break Welcome back. How do you clean up issues with your mother? I mean your mother who fed you, closed you, took care of you to the best of her ability, and now as an adult, you don't like her. You don't like how she does, what she does, how she does it with you or to you. My experiences, most people have no clue how to address their mother as in adult because they were hurt by her when she was just mommy. So what they do is they cut her off, just cut her off. And of course, because she's the older adult, it's always her fault. Well, moms do the best they can. Mom's a human. Take a listen, Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the art spot when we talk about all things relationships, all kinds of relationships. So what is your relationship issue, challenge, dilemma today.

I have been having an issue with my immediate family, my mom, my sister, my brother, and it's been going on for years, back and forth, and I'm just at a point of I don't know what else to do. I've kind of pulled away, and you know, I love my family, and I don't know.

What it is.

Okay, Well how do you experience it?

I I don't like the black sheep.

It's like it starts with my mom. You know, she would got up about me, or if she's upset with my sister, she would say things to my brother about my sister. My sister and I have the same father and my brother doesn't. But a lot of things started so when my mom was dating my brother's dad, and I've witnessed him hitting my mom and slapping her food off the table, and you know, as going up, I seen that. So I just didn't like him, and I left and went to a friend and my mom came to get.

Me with the police. And once I.

Got home, I was pushed in my room by my sister and my mom would proceeded to hit me in my face and woke up the next morning with the closed eye and had to go to school like that, and that those punches to my face stuck with me up until now, and it still hurts me. And over the years I've tried to, you know, get past it, and it's like that has shaped, you know, this whole thing with my mom.

Okay, So you've got a couple of things going on here, So I want to just move in on something that I think may may be the main issue. So I'm going to offer you this. Because I hear you saying you feel like the black sheep, I hear something a little different. I hear a hurt and a betrayal because your mother, your mother chose a man over you. Does that fit for you? Okay? So there it is not that you're the black sheep, but a hurt and a betrayal because your mother chose a man over you. You left home because you didn't want to witness participate. See know that she was allowing a man to treat her poorly. And not only does she come and drag you back, humiliated you by slapping you in your face. I think of all the things parents can do to children, that's the one thing that they need to outlaw. Slapping a person in their face is a form of humiliation. She humiliated you and took him back, and he just happens to be your brother's father, so you experienced it as her favoring your brother over you and your sister. Would that be accurate, y man? So see, that's a lot different than I'm the black sheep of the family, isn't it? And I can imagine how hard it is for that little girl in there and for you, as a grown woman to sit with. My mom chose a man over me. And not only does she choose a man over me, she chose a married man who abuses her over me. Well, what the heck is wrong with me that she would make that choice? Is that how it lands in your belly? Okay? Humiliated you? Now you're humiliating yourself by saying I'm the black sheep. Ain't nothing wrong with black sheep. They give wool just like white sheet. So even being the black sheep paine a bad thing. So I need to hear you say it so that I can hear how much of it you're owning.

That ball humiliated me when she chose a man over me.

Where do you feel that in your body. Yes, yeah, I just want you to be present with that for a little while and let that little girl cry about it if she needs to, because I think you shut her down and rehumiliate her by not telling the truth about it. So, my beloved, for you, there's only one escape hatch, only one. And this forgiveness, it's not you, the forty six year old woman, doing the forgiveness. It's finding the voice and the feeling and the energy of that little girl, like got slapped in the face. What does she need to forgive. It's her thoughts, it's her feelings, it's her experience. You're not healing what's going on today, this thing about you and your mom and your sister and your brother. But that's not what you're healing. You're healing her brokenness all the way back.

Then.

Does that make sense to you, Yes, it does. And you know, these family breakdowns when you're an adult almost always have their root in their core as something that happened when you were a child. So here we're talking about humiliation, we're talking about betrayal. We're talking about not protecting, not nurturing that little girl who is probably afraid when this man was not being nice to her mommy, so exposing you to danger, exposing you to emotional unsafety. She needs to forgive her mom for all of those things, not you her. You're just bringing forth her energy and it's showing up the way it is today. Does that make sense to you?

So?

Can I gift you a copy of my book on forgiveness so that you can do that work And it's a forty day process. I want you to do that work, and then I want you to call me and tell me what you now realize, and also tell me if anything has changed with you and your mom.

Oh, well, thank you, okay, my love you be well.

I want to hear from you. You know, love ships or loving relationships, Intimate relationships among partners are not the only relationships that break down. Family relationships also break down, whether it's the breakdown between the parent and the children, or between the siblings or in a blended family. But family relationships are very often difficult to heal because when they break down, our first instinct is to run. We want to run, We want to get away from it as far as possible, because we don't realize that family relationships are lifetime relationships. Whenever they are just shared blood. Whenever the blood that runs to your veins is running through somebody else's veins, that is a lifetime relationship. So whether you're with the person, see the person, or engage with the person, you still have to heal the breakdown. A'miyama and I thank you for tuning in. If you have questions or insights about this or any other relationship topic and you would like us to explore it here on the R Spot, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven eight now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times. In the meantime, stay in peace and not pie six.

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Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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