You Can’t Love Without Trust

Published Sep 21, 2022, 10:00 AM

Iyanla often says that if you are emotionally untrusting, you will attract emotionally untrust-worthy people, and that couldn’t be more true for both of her callers today. The first caller is dating a married man and is unsure if she should end the relationship, but Iyanla doesn’t buy the lie. Then, after constantly being friend-zoned, another woman realizes that she is constantly pushing to find “the one,” all while being emotionally guarded. When love is difficult, Iyanla reminds both callers that if they want to know the end, look at how the relationship began – either in a lie, or out of desperation.
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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins

Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani

Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight

I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher for Sam in a soft place to fall for others, and I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself enough to be able to share my love with other people. Welcome to the our spot, a production of shondaland audio in partnership with I heart radio. I always find it very curious when people call me about their relationship and they're concerned about something that's going on in the relationship now that was going on when the relationship started. My theory, my principle, my experience has always been that if it's there at the beginning, it will as the end. So if you go into a relationship with somebody that's already in a relationship, let me tell you something. That relationship is going in when they go into a relationship, while they're in relationship with you. I don't care what you want to tell yourself. If you want to know the end, look at the beginning. If it's out of order in the beginning, it will be out of order in the end. And I had someone call me about that exact issue. Here's that call. Get things beloved. Thank you for calling. The art spot. Now, I understand that you are a single mother of two and you are involved with a man who has a partner. Is that accurate? Ah, so what is your question? Concern? Inquiry? Problem. You've got problems. Know, you know you got problems. Right, yes, but I want to hear I want to hear it out of your mouth. What's the problem? The problem is me and this person. We connect really well. We share a lot of the things, goals, desires. He pulls a lot out of me that if we didn't have the relationship that we had, I don't think I'll be discovering certain things that I'm discovering about myself. I don't know whether to let it go or not because I feel like our connection is strong. Can I ask you a questions? Yeah, you said you don't know whether to let it go or not. Yeah, is that true, that you don't know whether to let it go or not? I feel like I play around with the decisions at what would the play be if I let him go? Am I going to be losing a friend and someone who is exposing me the things that bring it back to my roots and help me feel like myself? Or let the relationship go and just be alone. I don't want to be alone and I don't want to feel lonely. And it's not even that this person is feeling a void it. There are substantial things that are happening and when they have and I'm like wow, well, if this person is not supposed me in my life, then why did they just expose me to something that I felt, you know, I had put in my past, the good things that I'm remembering, that I put in my past things that I didn't think that, you know, I wanted anymore. As far as just my growth and my personal development. It's just like, I don't know, I really don't know. Oh, you absolutely do know. I am not going to participate in that level of dishonesty with you. So let's do this. Let's say your husband mad woman and together he introduced her to things that she didn't know about herself and he opened her up to things from the parents that she thought weren't impossible, and he lied to you and he snuck around and he was spending time with this woman. What would you say to that woman? Not to him. Well, what would you say to that woman, this is your husband, m that he's lying to her? Uh, you see, beloved, the first responsibility you have is to yourself, to yourself as a woman. That's your first responsibility and if you honor your first responsibility to yourself as a woman. But you have to consider is I am not my sister's keeper, I am my sister. So you are sleeping with your sister's husband. I don't care if he's making new head grow under your arms. That is your sister's husband, which takes you totally out of integrity period. Now you can tell you yourself anything you want to tell yourself, that he's gonna leave his wife, because I'm sure he's telling you now he's your soul mate, that you'll never find another love. Bah, Bah, Bah. But you're giving him credit. Well, your power, just because he's in your life and he's opening me, you up to these things. Don't give him the credit for that. Take the credit for your willingness and readiness to be open. He's just the tool being used, and that's your sister's husband. I understand. Tell me what you hear me say, that I entertaining it. Nope, that's not what I said. That's not what I said. I never mentioned the word wrong. said that there's no integrity in it. Yeah, you're out of integrity because you are sleeping with your sister's husband, and if you don't want it done to you, don't do it to your sister. Now, if that's not enough to convince you, let me give you this one. If you want to know the end, look at the beginning. I don't care how wonderful it feels. And if it's a year from now, five years from now, ten years from now, should you choose to stay in it, he's gonna do to you exactly what he did to her, because if it begins out of integrity, it's gonna end out of integrity, and what you do to someone else's coming back on you. Ah, there's no two ways about it. Now, chances are you're gonna hear what I'm saying and you're not gonna give it up. So let me give you this one. He's out of integrity. He's dishonoring him stop because he's to be lying to his wife to be in relationship with you. Where is he telling her that he is when you all are together? Has He had the conversation with her about maybe something he's missing or something he's needing? Has He done the work to build his marriage before he steps out of the marriage to build something with you. He's out of integrity. So you do you as a woman who's ready to grow, ready to stretch, ready to step into her power, because that's what you're saying. He's doing for you, as a woman who's ready to do that. Do you want to be with a man who don't have no integrity? Now, a man who breaks his commitments, a man who betrays another woman's trust? Is that the kind of man you want to be with? Oh, but that's what you're doing, and you're not wrong. Here's the question to ask yourself. What am I learning? What has this experience come to teach me? You said three things that I heard. Number one, fear of being alone. You don't want to be alone. Right, so this experience is coming to teach you how you will compromise your integrity rather than be with yourself. M Hm HM. Number two, giving away your power. He's bringing things out of me, but beloved that things are in you. So if they're in there, you can get them out. You gave him somebody else credit. And here's the big one. You're ready watch your pearls. Okay, you got your pearls clutched, expecting somebody to do for you what you need to do for yourself. You need to make yourself feel good, you need to be able to be your own company, you need to be able to tap into and bring forth your own power. You need to be able to honor your own values, and you're expecting him to do that for you, or somebody. Your responsibility, not his. Hey, it's just it's hard for me to do that. I get overwhelmed. Yeah, well, we all do. We all do. So chances are you gonna hear all of this and you're gonna stay with him mentally breaks your heart. So I'm just setting you up and letting you know what you can expect, because this man doesn't have any integrity, and that doesn't make him a bad person, because he's not calling me, you are. So this is your lesson, not his. Oh Man, so here's another possibility. Okay, maybe he was just to play date. If you don't have to be forever. Right, he was a play day, but now that you realize you're sleeping with your sister's husband, violating your own integrity, compromising your own heart and putting yourself at risk, maybe you want to consider getting up out of that? Yeah, maybe not, could be, who knows? But, like you said, I have to make myself feel good. Oh, I'm just afraid of it. Yeah, is it that you're afraid of it, or is it that you think you don't know how to do it? I think that he's accomplished and he's in the arts and because of that I'm drawn to him and he's out of integrity and he's portraying another woman's trust and we don't know what he's used in you for. And if he did it to her baby, he's going to do it to you. I'm telling you. Ask me how I now ask me how I know. Go ahead, ask me how I know. How do you know? It's none of your business. None of Your Business. That's okay, but I know it's a test. It is, it is. I know that you can have what you want. You don't have to accept part of it. You can have it all, you can have it at all. Oh, that's that's the part where I'm like, I get scared that the old is not going to come and I see it in that person. And No, you don't. What you see in that person is what's possible for you. What you see in that person. It's what's possible for you and it can be clean and it can be an integrity and it can be responsible. You can have it all, but if you believe that you can't, then you'll settle for chromes when you could have the whole cake. So just sit with that. What I want somebody to do this to me. I am not my sister's keeper, I am my sister and I don't know what kind of Man will do this to my sister. So let me get out of this before he does it to me. And it's gonna take you a minute to get out, unless you hit him with the integrity and you say to him, you know what, I realized, my love, you are out of integrity and you are violating another woman and I don't choose to participate. Mm Hmm, I think I can see that. Yeah, but then he's gonna call and he's gonna Chase and he's gonna pray and he's gonna do that. And tell him when he calls your wife and he has the legal separation papers that's been certified by the court, he can give you a call exactly. Thank you. So here's your assignment. Make a list of all of the things that you think you've gotten from him, all of the things that he's opened you up to, all of the things that you think are there as a result of him. Make a list of those things and then get busy looking at how can I do this for myself within myself? It's just that simple. Okay, okay, give me a calling about six weeks and let me know how you're doing. All Right, I'll call you a sick thank you alright, by love, bye, bye, bye. We'll be right back with another caller who says she is constantly meeting the wrong man. Welcome back to be our spot. Let me ask you. Have you ever have been put in the friend zone by someone you really like, someone that you really got the hots for, somebody that you're really really hoping is the one, and just when you think things are going along great, they tell you they just want to be your friend? Has that ever happened to you? And when that happens to you, what do you tell yourself? Do you feel rejected, do you feel abandoned? Do you feel hopeless, helpless that you now got to be in the friend zone? But there are those times when you were always in the friend zone. You just didn't know it because you wanted more. And actually it's a blessing when the person is honest enough to tell you, I'm gonna put you in the friend zone. I just want to be friends. It's easier for them to do that than to just walk away and not say anything to you. But I've got a woman who consistently finds herself in the friend zone and she feels that she's been rejected. I have a totally different perspective. Greetings, beloved, welcome to the our spot where we talk about all things relationships. So how can I support you today? What's your problem? Is Your question? Breakdown so we can have a breakthrough. Amazing. Well, first I want to say how much of an honor it is to eat and speak to you. I feel like I'm speaking to some amazing presence and I'm just very grateful. Oh well, I'm thankful and grateful you call. Thank you so much. My question or dilemma is me going through the process of rejection and how to overcome it. In regards to love, it very much seems like love isn't in the cards for me. I keep finding myself being put into the front zone and it is quite disheartening when you look at everyone around you and love or love seems easy for everyone else, but for you it's quite a feat. So just trying to figure out how to handle that, and any advice you could give me would be amazing. So you said when you look around and love seems quite easy for everyone else. Are you saying when I look around? Yes, when I look around? Yes, okay, because I want you to own your experience. When you externalize it, then you're not really owning it and then all the feelings attached to it don't necessarily come up. Does that make sense? Yes, ma'am, it does. Okay, so I love that you said my dilemma. I love that word dilemma, but I don't hear what your dilemma is. What is your dilemma that love looks easy for everybody else and it ain't easy for you? Yes, ma'am, very much so. I very much feel like I put myself out there and I only get the rejection of you know you're an amazing person and you're great, but you're just not for me. Or I get the run around of you know, they'll dip their toe in and check the temperature, but not really wanting to commit, and I've been thinking now for a little over seven years and, you know, dating through it, but not having found my person. You get to a point where you begin to question, is it me? There's something wrong with me, and that's where I am. I'm questioning the validity of me. Well, why does it have to be something wrong with you, as opposed to maybe your frequency is low, so you are attracting what you expect. Could you always yet what you expect? You don't get what you ask for. So when they stick their toe in, I wonder if your first question to yourself, or someplace deep within the pity of your soul, is okay, are they're gonna reject me too? Yeah, H Yeah, and how many times do you say what's wrong with me, that I can't do what other people are doing or get what other people have? What's wrong with me? How many times you think that thought? Pretty often. Oh, so you are getting exactly what you expect. Look how powerful you are. Yeah, M Hmmm. So let me ask you. Let's just go there. Okay, you want to go there. You know in the Matrix they say you want the red pillar or the blue pill. Which one you want? I want the pillar that's going to reveal the truth of what it is I need to know so I can change these habits. That's the pill I want. All Right, so let me ask you this. What's wrong with you? I believe that I have become jaded because I have been rejected so many times and been hurt and heartbroken so many times that I've become jaded each rejection. You know, I build a wall and it seems as if when I let that wall down just a little bit, boom, here goes another rejection, and so it's very much like fort knock around my heart because the rejection and because of the me being jaded. But I don't know how else to be because I guess in a way I am protecting myself but still wanting live. M M, contradiction. Yeah, so how do you reject you? How do you reject you? I think I reject me when I'm not fully honest with what I want. Ah, yeah, good for you. So the dilemma is, how come I can't be honest with myself about what I really want? Yeah, and how do you hurt you? I think I hurt me when I shut down. The only way I know to get back to myself is to kind of shut down where I kind of close everything off to try to figure out what's happening, and I feel like sometimes when others are happy and things are great for them and I'm not in that place, I don't want to give off that energy. So I think that when I become reclusive like I have been, I dishonor myself and those around me, but I don't know another way to be or what else to do. M Hmm, it sounds to me like you have a heart condition, that you're trying to attract a open, honest, loving connection to someone, but you've got armor on your heart so they can't really feel your heart. So they wonder if this is real or if this is safe, because you can't love with your head. Yeah, you have to love with your heart. And if you're afraid to open it, if you're afraid to be vulnerable and if you have expectations, you because you don't get what you ask for, you get what you expect and you're expecting to be heard, expecting to be rejected, expecting to be abandoned. I know you're not doing it consciously, but holding the thoughts, if you're a powerful person, and it sounds like you are, because you're creating so much of what you don't want and then you're trying to figure it out. That's a head activity. You've got a heart condition and you know what your heart condition is. Okay, you got a pencil. Okay, write this down. T are you as T. that's your hard condition. You are not trusting that, no matter what shows up or who shows up, you're gonna be okay, m you're not trusting that you can open your heart and that, no matter who shows up or what shows up, you're gonna be okay. You're not trusting yourself to make the right decisions because you've made what you consider wrong decisions before. You're not trusting yourself because you've given more than you received and you've offered more than you've got in return. Yeah, does that sound accurate for you? It sounds very accurate. Yeah, you can't love without trust. Baby, after this break, trust is on the menu. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's continue our conversation on finding the right type of love, and let's begin with trust. So, have you ever read my book on Trust? I actually have. Yes, well, you need to go back through it. Because it sounds to me like you're in the meantime. Sounds like me like you've got a problem but you don't know what the problem is. So you're in the basement. You try to get to the second floor, but you're in the basement. Yeah, I am in the problem with this hard condition, this trust, and you know in the phone call, I can't tell you what the origins of that is. I have a sneaky suspicion and I'm willing to be wrong about it. Two things that come up for me. One is that you stayed too long in a situation, hoping that it would change and it didn't. You gave, you gave, you waited to a patient, you gave, you gave, you gave, hoping the situation would change and it didn't. Does that sound familiar? Sounds pretty spot on. Oh, so you're gonna punish yourself for being stupid and making that mistake? I will definitely say I questioned my own decisions, you know, to your point, I do do that and I feel like I punished myself. I question, did I do this, or why didn't I say that, hoping that the outcome would have been different. Well, if you're emotionally dishonest with yourself, you're gonna attract emotionally dishonest people. And the other thing is this. And please forgive me, let me ask for your forgiveness up front, because I don't know any of this to be true. I don't know you from a can of paint. I'm just sharing with you what comes across. Okay, and it's almost like a desperation. This's gotta be it, this gotta be the one. That's gotta be it's gotta be you. It's gotta be you. It's gotta be you. You know when you'll make you clinging and needy. Consider this. Everyone don't have to be the one. Some of them are just passing by for a breather, but you want everyone to be the one. It's like you're playing Bingo. You want that I can get bigger. What's interesting is you're not the first person to say that. I don't feel desperate and I don't feel like I'm giving off desperation, and maybe I am, maybe I am I don't know you. I can't even see you, and I'm picking it up because it's like you want it so bad. Now you can call in the one, but you can't call it in with a sense of desperation that it's gonna give you something that you don't have. See, long time ago I created this. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, or maybe it's uh, I don't know what to call it, but my thing has always been what you don't want to be with me, something must be wrong with you. By if you don't want to be with me, something must be wrong with you, and I'm not gonna let myself want you by next yeah, because I trust that what God has for me, it is for me and I'm willing to let God bring it, not that I've got to go desperately searching for it, because it's mine and it already exists, and if I gotta kiss a few frogs before I meet the Prince, then damn it, I'm willing to kiss a frog. Yeah, I feel like I've I've kissed more than I like. But now you you were licking the frog and holding on to its feet, just kissing and let it go. Oh, it's my frog. Come on, frog, turn into a prince. Turn into a prince, FROG, turn into a prince. Oh, but aren't you glad you can laugh at yourself? Trust, baby, trust. I'm on it. Go back and retrust again and particularly pay attention to trust in yourself and trust God. If you get those two things right, then you'll be able to trust other people and trust the process. But don't think that you're going into love for somebody to bring you something you don't already have. You're going into loving relationship to share the truth of who you are. M They're just bringing the dessert to the table. You are the full course meal. Stop Cheating yourself like a snack couple. Yeah, what, you don't want to be with me, something must be desperately wrong with you by take yourself on up out of here. I like that. I've never thought about it in that in that way before. Well, I'm from Brooklyn's were a little Sassy. I'm where are you from? I'm in Ohio. There is no SASS in Ohio. Don't tell me that. There ain't no SASS in Ohio, even if midwesterns are very sassy. I think that's what's frustrating to because I know who I am. They know what I have to offer and what they don't want that. They don't want that, baby. They want your heart. They don't want who you are. And what you have to offer and what you're willing to do. They want your heart, and the heartest simple, the heartest open, the hardest soft, the hardest gentle stop trying to prove your value and worth. They don't want all of that. Somebody coming in for love. They want you to rub their feet and eat popcorn with them, tell them when they got letters stuck between their teeth. They don't want all of that. Keep it simple, stop trying to prove your value and your worth. Get back in the trust and see what you discover. I will okay, it's gonna be all right. It will okay, let me know how you make out, but there ain't no SASS in the high not unless you're coming from Cleveland by thank you, okay, keep bye. Bye. Both of my callers today are struggling with two very different aspects of finding the right one, and it all comes down to the same core issue. Trust yourself, trust in yourself and, above all else, trust your heart. It's not uncommon for people to look up one day and finally realize a problem that has always existed. Whether you're unsure if you should be with a married man or if you're feeling like you're constantly searching for the one trust that you know and will know what's right for you. And if you've got a relationship problem, issue, dilemma, challenge or relationship victory, be sure to look out for the arts spot calling times on social media and you can join me live right here. In the meantime, remember to stay in peace and not pieces. The R spot is a production of shondaland audio in partnership with I heart radio. For more podcasts from shondaland audio, visit the I heart radio APP, apple podcast or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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