Taking an important lesson from her interview with Jada Pinkett Smith, Iyanla deep dives into the importance of self worth and where it comes from. Two callers join to discuss issues in their own self image – The first had a baby with a man she no longer wants to be with, but is keeping him in her life for the kids. And the second caller was waiting around for a man she knew didn’t want a serious relationship, just because she thought he was more valuable than she was.
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I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio, Grind Rising and Welcome to the R Spot. You may have heard the recent interview I did with Jada Pinkett Smith about her new book Worthy Now. Whether you're a fan of Jada or not, whether you think she did will dirty or not, whether you love her hair or not, Jada offered some powerful insights about how her lack of self worth impacted her life and all her relationships, even when she was sitting on top of the world with a lot of money. And if you heard that interview, I pray you notice that I didn't go into the details of her story, her marriage, or to slap herd around the world. I focused on the elements of her healing journey, the journey to Worthy. Jada's story, like my story or your story, are our business, our unique individual business. However, what is common to all people is how our stories impact, enhance, or detract from a healthy sense of self worth. Though today I'm asking what is self worth? Where do you get it or learn it? Do you have a healthy sense of self worth? If so, how did you get it? And if not, why not? And to do that, I want to begin with a clear definition of self worth, because I'm not sure everybody has a clear definition or the same definition. So for the purposes of this exploration of the topic today, here is how I am defining self worth. Self worth is what you request, require and expect for yourself from others and of others as a function of how you see and hold yourself within yourself. That means what you request or ask for require in terms of boundaries and behaviors, and what you accept and accommodate first from yourself. I mean, where do you draw the line related to what you will and will not do, because that will determine what you expect from others and of others and the way they conduct themselves in your life and in your experience with them, and all of that. All of it. It's a function or reflection of how you see and hold yourself within your self. Now, I don't want to go into all of it right now, but it is your sense of self value that determines your self worth. And it is your self esteem that determines your self value, and it is your self love that determines your self esteem. And it's all of that self love, self esteem, self value, and self worth that determines and or deters what you experience in relationships. But today we're focusing on self worth. We're focusing on that part, and I'm sure those things will bring up or show up as the lack of the other things. Self worth, where do you get it or learn it? Do you have it? If so, how did you get it? If not, why not? Let's hear what the callers have to say about that today. Welcome beloved, Welcome to the R Spot. We're talking about self worth today. What is it? Do you have it? If so, how do you get it? And if not, why not? And what's your story?
My story is that I have abundant issues, and not just from other people, like I'll abandon myself. So yeah, so that's where it starts. My childhood was teumatic, so I would like leave my body to stay faced. And what I'm finding now is that now that I know that I'll I leave my body I'm just now learning on this about myself. Before I just didn't I just wasn't person. I just didn't know what was going on at any given moment. I didn't know what I was doing.
But now that I'm over, Wait a minute, Wait a minute, tell me what you mean. Tell me what that experience is When you say I leave my body, what does that mean?
In that moment, I don't know what my physical body is doing. I could be staring off for the face. I wouldn't know it. I could be sharing. I wouldn't know. Like my I leave, like I'm not there.
You go unconscious. Yes, I want to say to you that I think it's a powerful, powerful awareness that you know that you abandon yourself.
I didn't know until I had children and I had to be.
But I'm wondering now if it's just a habitual response to a trigger. So let me ask you this, when do you do that? What triggers you leaving your body? Is it certain?
It could be anything, Yes, it could be certain people. It could be anxiety, it could be overthinking. Yeah, And it's almost like now that I heal the trauma, I somewhat heal the trauma. Is the what I did to keep myself safe is what I'm having an issue with.
Hell, the fact that you leave your body to keep yourself safe. Why do you think that's a function of self work.
I think it's a function of my self worth, because now that I'm realizing what it means like to stay present and getting a glint of a glimpse of my work when I'm present, I almost will put myself the situations because I believe that any relationship that I'm having is a reflection of me. So sometimes I have a hard time leading unhealthy relationships when I know that it's unhealthy, but because I think it's a reflection of me, I think, okay, well let me stay in it and fix it when it's probably not the life greater.
No, it's not, and let me tell you why it's not. Because the same mind that took you into the relationship is the same mind you're trying to use to fix the relationship that's not going to turn out well for you.
And it's not because it is my child's father. So now I'm like, we can move in together, but he wants to be with me, so I'm telling him now like, okay, let's stay together because there's certain things that you can teach them that I can't teach them. So I need your help, Like I need you to be a doub but I don't want you to focus on the relationship. But it's on the keys and I know that it's not gonna work out like that. I should be trusting myself, but I'm not. I think that's where I fight myself. It's like any.
That's how you abandon yourself when you know something to be true and you dismiss it, diminish it, deny it because you don't have a healthy sense of self worth and you don't believe you can do it, so you'll sacrifice yourself and what's good for you in order to get it done for somebody else. Right now, what I want you to get is that is how you abandon yourself. Forget the shaken and not knowing where you are. That's one thing that's a reaction. The abandonment and the diminishing of your self worth comes from that secret, silent belief I can't do this.
And you know what the other issue is. I heard another episode where you were saying, is it a part of you that still wants and is it between your toes. It's a small piece of one of him between my parents. I don't know what to do with it.
Yeah, when it gets down there in between the toes, but before beloved, before you can even think of having a relationship with him or your children, You've got to grow that sense of worth. I am worthy. I value myself. I see myself bigger, grander than what I'm experiencing. You've got to grow those things because is it you, the authentic you, that wants him or is it that part of you that's down in between your toes that will accept what shows up and try to fix it.
Definitely.
So if I were to say, if I were to say to you at this time in my life, I do not have a healthy sense of self worth, what would you say to that? Is that true for you or not true for me? I? Okay, So let me hear you own that, because the first step toward healing is acknowledgement. So let me hear you own at this time in my life, I do not have a healthy sense of self worth. I want to hear you say that and own it.
At this point in my life, I definitely do not have a healthy sense of and.
That makes me feel I'm sad because.
Or because I'm aware of it and I'm still choosing to abandons.
Wow, you don't need me, You need to hang up and go on. But I want you to hear the power of that. And it's a simple flip you said, And that makes me feel sad because I'm aware of it and I'm still choosing it. But here's what I want you to get beloved. Every choice overrides and supersedes every other choice. So at any given moment, any moment can be the moment that you make another choice. We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off. So right now, your sense of worth you're developing, deepening, healing, your self worth hinges upon you making another choice moment by moment by moment by moment. It may mean that you have to take sometime get clear about what you really want, and get clear about whether you think you deserve it and whether you think you can have it, and then believe you can have it, ask for it, ask God's source, creator, universe, and then take one make one choice at a time that will get you to what you want.
That's what I'll do.
I'll make those choices. I go in and out of the continents, like I'll make a good choice that's good for myself and that that my highest selpe agrees would and appreciates, and then I'll go back on the choice.
Like, oh, because you continue to surround yourself with the spiritual pollutants that make you think you can have it. So, just as it relates to your just as it relates to your child's father, your children's father, is that the relationship you want for yourself?
Absolutely want?
Okay, So here we are. I am not choosing to be in relationship with my children's father for me, but you are willing to have a co parenting relationship with him for the children. Is that accurate?
Yes?
But I hear the butt. I hear the butt.
Because it's almost easier for me to do the do it the way that I do it because he's he's an alcoholic, so it's it's enough. So because he's alcoholic, it's almost easier to be nice to him. Because when I'm when I go that route and say I don't want to be to you. Let's let's do this, let's do that, Let's meet somewhere and meet up with the kids being aggressive. It's combative and and that triggers me, and that makes me the truth.
So do you believe it can be different? No? There you are. That's it. You're never gonna live beyond your beliefs. So your work, my love, is building up first your sense of self. You can't have worth until you have a self. And right now your self is depleted or diminished or denied or whatever. You've got to build self. So I want to give you an assignment. Okay, If I give you an assignment, are you gonna do it?
Absolutely?
Okay. Yourself, my love, is the core, the essence, the truth of who you are. That's what your self is. So before you can have love or esteem or value or worth, you gotta build up yourself. And yourself has a name. And the name of yourself is I Am. That's your self's name. So let's say your what is your first name?
My first name?
Okay, I am Tiffany. Yeah, Tiffany is your name, but the I am is the self that Tiffany is. So here's your assignment. Every day for the next forty days, every day for the next forty days. Before he gets up and you have to get busy. I want you to get up and I want you to write forty times on a sheet of paper I am, and then I want you to put behind that I AM what it is that you want to be in your life. So, for example, I am clear, I am love, I am peace, I am power, I am joy, I am beauty, I am wealth, I am health, I am wisdom, I am power. All of those words forty times, forty sentences every day for forty days. Okay, So when you get up tomorrow, you're going to write forty I AM statements, and then the next day you write forty I AM statements. Now as you're writing, after you write them all down, I want you to go back and read the list and check off the ones you don't believe. Okay, So let's say you write I am power. When you go back and read, I don't believe I'm power. I don't believe I'm clarity. I don't believe I'm truth. I don't believe I'm wealthy. Because those are the things that you've got to build up. Those are the things that you have to build up so that you can grow your worth. Why don't you believe that your love why don't you believe that you're wealthy? Why don't you believe that? And you don't have to write it down. You can, you can write it down, But basically, I just want you to start thinking about it and bringing it to the surface because what I know to be true is once you start making those statements, God sources life, the universe is gonna bring you experiences where you get to practice being the things that you don't believe. So let's say you don't believe that your power. Life is going to bring you an experience where you're gonna have to stand in your power, ask for what you want, say no, and you're gonna do this for forty days. If you miss a day, start all over again. I don't care if it's day twenty two. You got to start the forty days all over because what we're trying to do is we're trying to get you reconnected, reacquainted, to get you to trust again your self.
That's myself.
Yes, you got it. Forty days, forty statements a day, Write them, then read them, check off what you don't believe, and then be on the lookout for that thing to show up in your life. Is after you do your forty days. I want you to write down what you want with yourself in place, your I am established. Then write down what you want, because what you're going for right now is what you know. When yourself is in place, right you, when yourself is in place and established, you can create what you really really desire.
Okay, okay, I will thank you so much.
Thank you for calling, beloved. All right, bye bye. A healthy sense of self worth begins with the willingness to put you first in your life, you your needs, your desires. Because if you can't put you first in your life, if you don't enjoy your life, everything and everybody else will start there. Vote for you, put you first. Let's hear what my next caller has to say. Greetings and welcome to the R Spot. I am Amla and today we are diving head first into the issue, the topic, the challenge of self worth. So what do you bringing to the table today.
I have done, in my opinions, a lot of work on myself men recovery. I've gone through all my steps. I'm in therapy, you know, I've done all the things. And I guess I was thinking I was gonna turn around and put my heels and have instant self worth. But I do affirm the prayer, you know, But enough for all that. My dilemma today is is it a way to act your act as if to bring forth the belief? Because I know that I get what I expect and believe, is it possible to act your way into that?
No?
Dog, that's a answer.
No and goodbye. No. Next, let me let me start here, because I know you're a spiritual warrior, so let me start here. How do you define self worth? How do you define it?
I define self work as what I feel about myself on the outside, manifesting itself in my actions and my behavior. The good person that I am. I want that to be reflected, you know, in my behavior and my choices.
And it's not being reflected in your behavior.
Oh, some of my choices probably could have.
Been better, could have been. But when you made a poor choice or a decision, do you use that as your measuring tool for the next choice and decision? So let's say you know, you know that popcorn gives you gas, but you love popcorn. So do you choose to eat the popcorn and blow up the room? Or do you choose potato chips?
Okay, are you using the baked potato chips?
Okay? Yeah, so that says that you're choosing what you know about yourself to guide and govern your choices. But here's where I think you're falling off the wagon. You define self worth from the outside, not from the inside. You said that you you define self worth as what you see on the outside being a reflection of what is on the inside. Yeah, you did. So you're defining your worth based on external criteria as opposed to internal criteria, and worth begins within that. I don't think your issue is worth. I think your issue is value.
Okay.
How you see and hold yourself within yourself that determines what you do and how you do it. That's value. That's not worth. How you see and hold yourself within yourself that determines what you do and how you do it. You know, I value myself and I value my my dignity. I value my my eldership. So I'm not gonna I'm not going to get on the pole and the throng. I'm not right because I value myself too much to do that. I don't care. You couldn't pay me enough to get on a pole and a thong. And make everybody else blind when they see me. For y'all right, it would be too much for them. They are not worthy, they are not worthy of seeing me on the pole. So what I'm hearing you say is that there may be some tweaks you have to do in your value that will support you in constructing what you do and don't do, how you make your choices, how you move. We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Give me an example.
I can give you a hot one.
Okay, give me one.
Oh. I sat around for years crushing on this guy, but I wouldn't say nothing because I thought that he was above me.
Whoa I know, I know.
And so then the opportunity came and I thought, this is it. I'm going God to hurt my prayers and I'm gonna go for it. And then when it was presented, it was not the same type of relationship that I walled. Well, he just wanted a physical relationship. I don't know why whispering because it's just for a million people gonna be listening to.
That, right, you know.
And I was. I was so disappointed, but I said, you know what, I'm gonna work with this. I'm gonna work with this. I'm gonna go out with him because once he's around me, he's going to be convinced. Even though I heard I heard your voice saying when they tell you believe I heard you. I said, you know what, that applies to everybody else because I felt like I knew better. But I said, if I knew better, and I didn't do better.
Okay, So when it was all said and done, I heard you say you were disappointed in yourself. What else, when it was all said and done, you didn't get what you wanted, you would disappoint it.
And I should have known better from the beginner.
Nope, you're beating yourself up. Were you ashamed?
Yes?
Yeah, because me, I think. Did you feel guiltful or shame?
No?
Not just so shame because I just felt like, you know, I mentor a lot of women women, yes, there you know that would tell them not to do it.
So here's where you went off the rail. Holding the belief that he was above you. And you said you sat around for years, so you held the belief that he was above you, which meant you were less than him, which means that you accepted less and you compromised your value, which diminish your worth. It is it's a value issue because remember I said value determines what you will do and what you won't do. So what you did was accepted less and compromised yourself and went into what you didn't want because his needs, wants, desires were greater than yours, all based upon the belief that he was above you.
He was more valuable than me.
Yes, And when you give something or someone more value than you believe, you are more value than you think. The way you hold yourself, you diminish your worth. So you're going to get less. You're not going to request what you want. You're not going to require what you want because you're less than and you're going to expect that person to hold their boundaries while you relax yours. What a powerful learning. What a powerful learning. And here's I want to say this to you. I want to say this to you because this is you know, for all teachers, mentors, you can't teach what you're not living. It won't be authentic, it won't be received. So you're teaching these young girls you know the truth that you know in and what they need to do, and then you turn around and act like a boo boo to fool right from up the street, right across the track, or somewhere right. So here's a universe saying to you, Okay, you want to teach, you want to mentor, you gotta have integrity and you got to be authentic. You can't have this thing going on in the back room. Can't do that. Can't do that because the universe is trusting you by putting young women's hearts and souls in your hand. You got to be in integrity and it's okay, you learn that lesson you. Okay, next, won't do that again. Won't do that again.
I'm so glad I called me too.
So remember your worth is what you requests require and the expect for yourself that grows from how you see yourself and hold yourself within yourself. That determines what you will and won't do. That's your value. So you got to focus in on value. This is not valuing myself. Me going into a physical relationship with somebody that I really want something more with. That's not valuing who I am and what I want. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that now. I hope it was good, and I hope you know you had a few thrills and stuff, because it ain't nothing wrong with that either. Just don't buy the wedding dress in order the invitations because he ain't the one, right, don't beat yourself up. Nookie ain't never hurt nobody. Go on with yourself now. But if you're giving the nookie up expecting it to be more when you've already been told it ain't gonna be no more, then that's a problem.
I get it. I receive it. I received it.
So forgive yourself for being disappointed, forgive yourself for being ashamed, forgive yourself for diminishing your value, forgive yourself for diminishing your worth, and just go on next.
But so so so so thank you, so thank you.
Okay, and remember worth comes from the inside, not from the outside, not from the outside, bottom line. Okay, all right, all right, warrior deep bowel to you, thank you, thank you, my love, god bye. That was juicy, And like I said, a little nookie ain't never hurt nobody. A well. I don't know about you, but I got a lot out of today's show. Lots and lots and lots of things to think about, lots and lots to consider because just like you, just like Jada, just like every other person with a story, I too am growing in my sense of worth in the world and what I expect of myself and for myself and what I expect from others. You see, we got to know that worth grows from value. So if you've got a self value issue, if you're doing things that don't value your dreams or who you are, how you identify, if you're putting yourself in situations where you are being diminished or denied or whatever because you don't think you can get better, you're going to diminish your worth because you're not standing in your full value. So I hope you got something today that you can use. I hope that you are requiring, requesting, and expecting all that you deserve. I hope that you know something now that you didn't know when you tuned in. And until we meet again, stay in peace and not present. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.