Would You Date You?

Published Jun 5, 2024, 10:00 AM

Iyanla is asking callers to take another look at their relationship with themselves and posing the question: Would you date you? Our first caller believes she is the dream girl but is she ready to be loved back? Iyanla then helps her second caller navigate her new relationship with herself as a single woman.

Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!

Instagram & X: @IyanlaVanzant
Facebook: @DrIyanlaVanzant

I am a Yamla, your host for this journey. I was a hopeless loveaholic but just could not get my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is and what it is not. I want to share some of what I've learned about lover holism. Welcome to the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings, and welcome to the our Spot, the place we come to talk about relationships, all kinds of relationships, the good, the not so good, the fun and the difficult, whether it's a real relationship with your lover, your spouse, your friend, your mom, or yourself. Today we're taking a different look at your relationship with yourself because we know that your relationship with yourself is the foundation for all other relationships. And the question on the floor today is would you date you? Would you date you? I mean, are you the kind of person that you would want to be with? And if so, why and if not why not? And I guess you can look at the last few dates that you've had, or the last few relationships that you've had, and look at how it worked out. And how you behaved and what made it healthy, what made it fun, and what tanked it. You know, because your relationship with yourself is so critical, is so important, and that is the let me say, the training ground for how you teach other people how to treat you. It helps you see how you treat other people, how you treat yourself in the company of other people. And so very often we want someone to come into our lives and bring us something we think we don't have. But if you don't have it, chances are you really won't even be able to recognize it when you get it. Or maybe you want it for the war on reasons. Maybe you're looking for someone to do for you or do to you what you need to do for and to yourself. Would you date you? I had to really think about that, and I would say right now, I wouldn't date me because I got too much going on. I'm too busy, I don't have time. I have to remember to take care of myself. I have to remember to carve time out for myself, and I'm doing that pretty well. But I tell you, I don't have room and space for anybody else right now. I don't have room in space to talk to you. I don't care about your problems. I don't care what it is that you're going through. So I've just kind of extracted myself from the dating field, from the dating pool, because right now I would not date me. I don't have the wherewithal to give the time and attention and energy to a relationship with another person. And until I become more solid, more fluid, more how can I say more attentive to me, It's not fair to bring anybody else into my life right now. So that's just my take on it. I'm not dating material right now. I will be, and let me say this, it is by choice. I am making the choice to extract myself from the dating field knowing everything that I have going on in my life, and those things are my priorities right now. So I'm not going to try to squeeze anybody in and ask them to align themselves with my schedule and what I'm doing, because that's just not fair and it's not kind, it's not loving, and I don't want my hair on fire trying to catch up with somebody else. So that's me, okay, and I'm being perfectly honest about it. That's just where I am right now, and it's okay to be there. And when I get ready to shift and change, then I'll shift and change. But until then, I am not a good dating prospect. But I've got some callers who say that they are. So the question on the floor is would you date you? Think about that and let me know. Here's my caller. Greetings, we love it, and welcome to the art spot. We're taking a twist today on your relationship with yourself, and the question on the floor is would you date you? Hi?

I would, mister Yanner. I would be outside of my house with a boombox and playing romantic music and I would run across my own arms into the beach if I could.

Yeah. Okay, So you're having a good You're having a good, healthy relationship with yourself, I think.

So. I'm I'm really I work with kids, so I kind of have the training to just be gentle, and I'm really good about being diferent with myself and being patient with myself and being understanding. And I cry a lot, so I've had to kind of come to terms that I have to let myself cry and you know, all of that good stuff. So I'm really I have a really wonderful relationship with myself. I love me, I'm okay to me. I'm the blueprint, I'm the ape girl, I'm my dream girl.

Right so what would make you fun to date or what would make you good to date? Let me ask this question. Are you dating right now?

I am fresh out of a relationship.

Oh yum yum. Oh. Do tell what happened.

We were together for six years. We were best friends. I wanted the love of my life and he.

Told me.

A few years ago we broke up with me. So it was a very on and off agaven relationship for a long time, maybe four of those six years. And he told me maybe three years ago that I wasn't the one and I'm devastatus. And I didn't he said that, and I said okay, and I packed up you know, my stuff, and I left. I didn't call, I didn't text. You only have to tell me one time that I'm not it. And months go by, four months go by, and he texted me, He's like, I miss you, and you know, I'm like, I miss you too, And so right back to and you know, going back and forth. And I stayed a lot longer than I should have, and recently in January. It was a lot, and it took a lot, but I moved from Atlanta where we were, to Houston. I just I was, I don't know, like someone being unsure about me was really starting to take a toll on me and going back to someone who told me that I wasn't. It was a lot and I was really embarrassed. I'm embarrassed now, I finally, Oh, don't be embarrassed. I feel like the embarrassment comes from, how do you love someone so much who doesn't feel like that about you? Like that sucks, that's a terrible feeling.

Yeah, take a wait a minute, take take a breath. Take a breath, Take a brauh, take a breath. How do you love someone so much who doesn't love you the same way? What did you love?

Oh?

Everything?

We were best friends.

He made me laugh, he was funny, he was interesting, he cooked me dinner, He was really romantic. He was really like all my boxes he checked off everything, everything, And so no.

He did not, he did not check off everything because your your love for him wasn't reciprocated. So is that what you wanted someone.

That came later? Like that's that is really new? That came later. You know, in the beginning, right, first three years, I was I was so certain someone I would bet the lottery that we were going to get married and be together. I was so certain. So to find out later they're all the you know, breaking up and getting back together and all that stuff, that that's not how he felt. That was That was devastatingly embarrassing. How did I get here? Right there? There are sides someone isn't in love with you or doesn't want to be with you their side, and maybe I'm just like delusional. I didn't catch any of that, but it caught me on guard.

Well did he say why? Did he say? Why you weren't the one? Well, you know what, it doesn't matter. Forget that, it doesn't even matter.

And it took me a long time to leave. I stayed a lot longer than I should have, just because of all the things, right, all the emotional connection that we had and sex was amazing and all that stuff. I stayed a lot longer than I should have. And finally I left in January. And leaving is hard, but staying gone is ten times harder.

But yeah, gone.

I don't want someone to settle for me. I don't deserve that. Like I said, I am the love of my life. I someone should be outside with a boombox, like play me music and buy me flowers. And so I had to love myself enough, which is also people make it sound so easy. It's hard and it's lonely to love yourself. And I left.

I don't think it's lonely. I don't think it's lonely. I mean, if you're loving yourself and you're occupied yourself. I want to say two things to you. Number one, First of all, thank you for sharing, because I do hear that it's fresh. And when I asked the question would you date you? My answer for you would be not right now? Not right now, okay, because you don't want to be weeping on your new date shoulder.

Okay, you know, taking a year off. I just need my heart and my brain and my soul to just reset.

So where are you with him right now?

He text me on Monday, and I was so excited that he text me, and then I don't know, like the sparkle was gone, right, there's something about I did, I responded, it's so it's I don't know how to describe it. Tried to like argue with him, and it just didn't It wasn't the same. The sparkle was gone, the passion was gone. The maybe it's just I took him off the pedal stool and I saw him for who like for, you know, and I just didn't say anything back, and I don't plan to. I'm ready to move on. I'm I'm over it. I've cried a lot. I'm oh God, I I cry everything. So I cry a lot, and I've cried a lot over the past three years.

What did you cry about? Tell me what you cried about.

He started doing this thing where we would everything is fine, we're fine, we're great, and then he would get upset with me or hurt or his you know, irritated, and he would say to me, well, I don't want to be with you anyway, and I would. The first few times he did that, I didn't know how to take it, and so we would argue about it. There's nothing to argue about. Someone tells you didn't want to be with you. But we would argue about it and eventually stopped talking, and you know, he would I, I'm sorry, I said that. I didn't mean it to get back together. And then a lot of the tears came from in those in between moments, waiting for him to text me, knowing if you know what was going to happen next. I didn't know what was going to happen next. I mean I knew, but in the moment, my anxiety was like, oh my god, you don't know, you don't know, you don't know, he's never gonna text you again. And then, of course, and then we would get back together, and I cried a lot because my brain, my soul knew that that's not what I wanted, That's not how I wanted to be treated. He'd never treated me like that before. So I don't know what happened with him, but I cried a lot about what I deserved and what I saw I deserved. And then you would call me, if you would text me, and I would perk right back up and take him right back. And so it was a lot of back and forth, which leads me to believe, like, you're unsure about me. And then I started crying about that that I was so in love with someone who was unsure about me. I'm so tired of crying. I'm surprised that crying is not the issue that.

You know this dating, six years of dating brings to the surface what it brings to the surface. And I say that because you kept going back, is an unconscious belief. He's showing you an unconscious belief that you may have. It could be I'm unlovable, or I can't have what I want, or this is too good to be true. That's a good one. This is too good to be true, And so you're going to keep trying to prove to yourself it's too good to be true. You know, he's wonderful, we get along, we have fun, but he doesn't want me. So that's an unconscious belief that keeps coming up. And it's up so that you can heal it. And I would ask you, who's crying? Are you the grown adult woman crying or is there a little person in there a part of your consciousness. I don't know if daddy left, mommy left, somebody died, maybe between the ages of six and nine, that this thing keeps showing up.

Dad, my dad didn't die, but my dog was. My dad was in and out of jail.

Okay, there you go, hold it right there, there, it is, that's it, right there. Stay tuned. We'll be right back, welcome back to the R spot. How many tapes or recordings of that play in your mind? I can't trust that. I don't know if he's going to stay. I don't know if he's going to be here. It could be any number from zero to infinity. How many tapes of that do you have?

This is complicated. My mom and my dad were together, they're married, and when I was five, my mom moved from Ohio where she was, to Hawaii and she took me and myself.

So you moved, So you moved from Atlanta to Houston, repeating mommy's pattern. Go ahead, So my.

Mom moved to Hawaii. She took me and my sisters, and she just always said she just wanted to get as far away from my dad as possible. From what I understand from the child, you know, being the child, is that he was abusive. I don't you know, I don't remember seeing any of that, hearing it, but that was hers were old enough that he was abusive, and she just he was in an out of jail. And so when we lived in Hawaii, I do vividly remember him being in and out of jail, and he would call sometimes and as we got older. If he wasn't in jail, we would call and he would say, I'll call you back, and we'd say okay, and he'd never call back. And so I remember telegram.

So wait a minute, hold right there, hole, right there? Is he gonna text? Is he gonna call? Is he gonna text? Is it gonna call? Do you see the pattern from daddy to mister wonderful, I'll call it, mister wonderful. Do you see the pattern? So you've just recreated your dad and that relationship. So that requires a change of heart. My heart was broken a long time ago, and you just keep digging into that break. So let's say from five when you move to Hawaii to now, let's say there are five million tapes of is he gonna call? Is he not gonna call? Is he gonna call? Is he not gonna call? Let's you know he's not gonna call. He doesn't want me. I'm not the one. Take a breath, Take a breath. Come on, So does five million tapes off he doesn't want me? Sound about right?

Is it more or less?

Okay? So let's let's say ten million a good number. So that's ten million heartbreaks. That's ten million tiers. That's ten million everything. If you could let that go, when would you let it go today? Okay, you would let it go right now today. So I want you to do this. I want you to kind of settle into where you are. I want you to take a deep breath. In hold that breath, turn your head to your left shoulder. Now I want you to exhale that breath and move your head over to your right shoulder, letting go ten million tapes. If he doesn't want me, bring your head back to center. Let's do that again. In hell, deep, deep, deep, deep, in hell. Turn your head over to your left shoulder and think the start. Exhale and move your head to your right shoulder. Think in I am releasing ten million tapes. If he doesn't want me, bring your head back to center, focus all of your tension and all of your energy, all of your tension right in the center of your chest, and in helle, hold that breath, hold this thought. I forgive myself for believing I'm not wanted, And exhale again. Focus all of your attention and the center of your chest, and inhale and think this thought. I forgive myself for believing he doesn't want me, I'm not the one. Exhale one more time. Inhale, hold a thought. I forgive myself for believing I'm not the one. He doesn't want me. Exhale. Tell me what thoughts come up, doesn't They don't have to make sense. Tell me what you're thinking, what you're feeling right now.

It's kind of like I always kind of knew, did that? I don't. I don't know. I feel like I knew it wasn't gonna I don't know.

No, you didn't know. You believed. There's a distinction between knowing and believing, because when you know, your behavior changes. And see that little girl didn't know if Daddy was gonna call, but she believed he wouldn't based on experience. She believed he wouldn't call. And it's hard Daddy's saying he's called. You want to believe him, but you're fighting within yourself against yourself. He ain't gonna call. Yes, he'll call, Maybe he'll call, Maybe he'll call the stop. It's the same thing you did with mister wonderful. Is he gonna text me? Maybe he's gonna tell. But you were hiking that expectation on your experience with Daddy does that make sense?

So is it like self saptage?

No, No, you're not gonna beat yourself up about it. It's a learned behavior. It's a learned behavior because you couldn't when Daddy said I'll call you. You couldn't say you're a damn liar, you're not gonna call. Shut up. You couldn't say that, stop telling me that stupidness. You're not gonna call. And that little girl, because she is a little girl, she wants Daddy to call, so she has to believe that he's gonna call, even though her knowing was he's not gonna call. But then she wants to know why why won't he call? What's the matter with me? Why is he always in jail? Why isn't he here? Booed about it? So beloved, while you would date you, I'd run screaming from the room until you clean that up. And it's gonna take a change of heart, that's all it is. It's your heart because on top of all of this, just what you're saying about, mister wonderful, is really what the little girl is saying about daddy. But I love him, But why isn't he here? I didn't know he didn't abuse mommy. I didn't see that. I don't know. Why isn't he here? Why am I not good enough? Why am I not important enough? Why does he have to keep going to jail? And mister wonderful is well, why doesn't he want me? Why does he think I'm not the one? You know, that's what she's asking. You're just repeating that pattern.

So how do you change your heart?

Just what you just did. You breathe it in, you get that frequency, and then you let it go. You know, we're living in a time when you can do it by word of mouth. You got to flex your muscles. You got to flex your muscles and set the intention. It is my intention to release the ten million tapes of he doesn't want me, I'm not the one, I'm not good enough, whatever it is, whatever it is, because your story, which is probably some of your mother's story and her mother's story, is you know you're not good enough, You're not important. You can't have what you want. I don't know. You know you have to do that? Yeah, so so well that right now? Not right now? Not right now, because I hear you saying you know that you're great, your your good to be with your gentle. You know, you work with children, and if they're not running screaming from the room, you know, chances are you have a great loving heart. But your heart is broken and Daddy's name is hooked on that break. So you've got to clean that stuff up with Daddy. And you're doing good on the outside, but the break is on the inside. You can see from this pattern, and beloved, here's the beauty of it. You did this with one person, thank god, you know, because it could have been five different ones and then you'd really be in trouble. But this is this is a clean break in the heart. So I would really want to encourage you to just do that forgiveness work. I forgive myself for believing that I'm not the one. I'm forgive myself for believing the right one won't show up. I forgive myself for believing I'm not good enough. You know, I forgive myself for believing that he's not going to be here, or whatever it is. You have to write down whatever it is that you're really thinking about. You know, this doesn't mean that you're not a good person. It may mean that you're just not ready for that depth and see, the more you loved him, mister Wonderful, the more the break showed up. You just have to clean up that break in your heart. That's all. So would you date you? Yes? Not right now? You can do some really really radical radical forgiveness. Radical forgiveness and not even forgiving daddy. It's not even about forgiving daddy. It's about forgiving yourself for believing what Daddy said and everything that you made up based on Daddy's behavior. And don't believe that anything your dad did or anything mister Wonderful did, has anything to do with you. Mister Wonderful took six years of his life to help you heal. And here's the thing. Here's the thing people very often misunderstand relationships. Relationships come to teach us, not to complete us. You're trying to be completed that thing with daddy. And what this relationship with mister Wonderful has done is it has taught you you where the break is in your heart. Give thanks, be grateful for that that you had to learn that with one person, not with six. But you could have had a new one every year and they all could have left you, and then we'd be on this phone for six hours instead of twenty two minutes.

I'm grateful that I get to talk to you and thank you so much. I'm going to go upstairs and have some ice cream.

I think, like I said, don't worry about mister Wonderful, be grateful for him. Okay, I want to repeat that. I want to repeat what I just shared with my guests. People come into our lives to teach us, not to complete us. And as long as you're thinking you need somebody to complete you, you'll be dating and seeking and looking and sleeping around for the wrong reasons. What is this relationship teaching me about me that I can learn to make me better? And if the relationship lasts, great, and if it doesn't, great, But as long as you're looking for somebody to complete you, please don't go dating. Please don't you know, if you don't want to be with you, why should anybody else want to be with you if you think you're incomplete? If you are, you don't even know what you're missing. Okay, stay tuned, we'll be right back. Greetings, be love it, and welcome to the r Spot. Our question on the floor today is would you date you? If so, why and if not, why not? I would date MEI, oh goodie, tell me why?

Well?

I think that I am a very loyal partner. I'm very compassionate, and I love really hard and very caring. So I would date me.

Mm. Okay, are you dating now? I'm not?

Why So? My biggest dilemma currently is getting over a fear that I created about certain men, and how to function in a relationship that's not toxic and that actually serves me. I just came out of a free relationship that didn't end too great, and so now I'm just in a space where I'm ready to date again. I just don't know how to go about it.

Okay, so you ended a three year relationship? How long ago?

About twelve months ago?

Okay, so you've been out of a relationship for a year, and what did you What did you learn about you in that relationship?

The biggest thing that I took away from that relationship is that I can't force people to change, and I can't heal people that don't.

Want to heal.

Well, why are you attracting people that need to be healed?

That's a good question, I think.

Do you have a good answer.

It has a lot to do with what I initially thought my self worth was okay, and which I think that I was deserving of having someone take care of me. I always in the past felt like I should be the one doing or being the caretaker.

Okay, Now, where did you pick up that notion.

From my dad? Because he definitely had a pattern within his semi relationships of being the caretaker and always being the one to handle things. So it's something that I've watched him do growing up. And Natalie, I think I just adapted into my lifestyle without even realizing I was doing it in my relationship until recently.

Mmmm. So would you date you? Yes? Because you're loving, you're loyal, you love hard, and you'll take care of people. Do you get that that's going to attract to you people that need to be taken care of?

Yeah?

Oh okay, So what's different now? What's different? You've been out of this relationship a year. What's different?

I say, my confidence is one of the biggest things that shifted. I'm actually doing the things that I say that I'm going to do instead of saying I'm gonna do it and then not putting action behind my words.

Mm hmmm. As the caregiver, As the care taker. You know that's a very important word, care taker. Do you know how to be cared for?

I don't think I fully know how to gain that space, to.

Be honest, Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that's what if you've shifted, then what you'll probably attract as someone who wants to take care of you. And the question becomes do you know how to receive it? Or will you feel that it's controlling? Will you feel that they're trying to dominate you? Will you feel that you know this is too much? Because when you've been on the giving end, it's hard to be on the receiving end. So you're going to have to walk through that just to just to get that kind of balanced out. Okay, then you I heard you say something about a fear you created. Tell me more about that.

So I had kind of realized after leaving this relationship that I had a fear that if I allowed myself to be taking care of that I would be taken advantage of. Oh there you go, so it looks like me.

Now, why would you think that? Why would you think that if I allowed myself to be taken care of, I'd be taking the advantage of How did you put that together?

Honestly, I just think just watching certain scenarios play out throughout my life it definitely impacted it at viewpoint. But also feeling the need to be independent all the time.

Mm hm oh yeah, that's a sticky, wicked right there. You need the need to be independent as opposed to interdependent. So what in a relationship would it look like if you were being taken advantage of? Do you know what that would look like?

That's a good question.

Do you have a good answer.

I should say that it could potentially look like me allowing someone to across the boundaries. Ah.

I just wrote on my paper clear boundaries. M hmm, do you have clear boundaries?

It's something that I'm working on.

Were you taking care of in your previous relationship?

Not at all. I was literally doing everything and it drained me and it was to the point where I had to just leave and come back home. So within that relationship, I was taken on a mothering role. Not only did I become a mother from that relationship, but even before I became a mother, I was mothering him and also his other child that was from a previous relationship. So I was not being taken care of. It ally was doing all the nurturing and pourishment in that whole relationship.

And you didn't have clear boundaries, right, okay, So would you date somebody that didn't have clear boundaries?

No?

Okay, but you don't have clear boundaries and you would date you.

I mean I would still what date me, but it would just be some things that I would be aware of more aware of.

So what are you going to do about this fear of being taken advantage of? Because I don't even know what that looks like. If you've got clear boundaries, people can't take advantage of you. How strong is your no?

I'm still working on date?

Oh boy, wrong as.

I would like you to.

Okay, So I'm gonna say, would you date you? Not right now? I need a little work right here. I'm gonna but you know, and then a date is a date. It's not a permanent commitment in life forever. So you may need to do some dating just to get clear about your boundaries this to strengthen up your no. You know, there's a difference between no, you can't do that and no, thank you, I can do that for myself. To make that distinction, get those things clear. But you don't have to go into every date thinking this is the one. Sometime you can go, you know, their playdates, play around, see what you like, what you don't like, what needs to be worked on. Can I ask how old you are in twenty six? Oh? Twenty six? Okay, you still got a little ways to go. And then you're dating with a new baby or a baby if you've been in a relationship a year, how old is your baby?

He is eighteen months?

Okay? All right, yeah, so you know that's a whole another bag of worms that you got to deal with. How do you date? Who do you introduce to your son? How soon? I mean? And there's a lot of things to consider here. So you've got some stuff to work through. Yeah, but you'll do it. Learn to trust yourself, learn to nurture yourself, learn to have clear boundaries of what keeps you safe and offer that to the to the person that you're dating. Also okay, okay, well happy dating? Okay, alrighty bye bye bye? Would you date you? You got to look at everything, look at everything, And like I said earlier, I'm not dating right now because I got a lot going on and I'm not gonna bring anybody else into this. Experience. But I do date myself. That's how I do my self care, That's how I do my time with myself when I'm going somewhere. And I had this awareness, I didn't realize that the drive to my self care, whether it was my massage or my treatment or my hydration or whatever I was doing, that was time for me to be with me. I thought it was just the drive, just the thing I had to do. But that's part of the date, getting to where you're going. So I had to kind of rethink that. But if you're out there dating, if you're in the dating world, look at everything and consider if you were walking into someone's life and they had this going on, how would you handle it, How would you want it handled? What is it that you would need or say or offer? Would you date you? You have to take everything into consideration, and the first thing is date yourself. Manage yourself in your own life, you know, manage everything that you've got going on, and see how you feel about it, get happy about it, get enthusiastic about it, and above all else, tell the truth about it. Because the worst thing you can do is start dating somebody and then the surprise Booby traps pop up along the way. Oh yeah, I'm caring for my mother's dying dog. Okay, oh, whatever it is. Learn how to take yourself to dinner, Learn how to take yourself to the movies. Learn how to play with yourself if you know what I mean, and see how that feels. Because some people are lone, and they're lonely in their loneeness as opposed to being with themselves and learning how to take care of themselves and learning from themselves. Remember, nobody's gonna complete you. You've got to come into a relationship or dating situation complete, not arrogant with your nose up in the air. I don't need nobody to do nothing for me, but complete within yourself. Try dating just for the fun of it and not for the conclusion of it. You know, or is he the one? Is she the one? Are we? It's this it? No? No, you won't be able to see the beauty of who you are and experience your health and your fun and your wisdom if you're looking for somebody else to complete you. So I hope you've heard something today that you can use and support you in your dating life. I hope that you're stretching and growing and clearing up those boundaries. Yeah, would you date? You ask yourself that question, if so, why and if not, why not? And maybe one day you'll give me a call and let me know what you discovered. I want to thank everybody for tuning in today and I'll see you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace and not in pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
Social links
Follow podcast
Recent clips
Browse 118 clip(s)