In this episode, Iyanla is asking callers who checks the ex? How do you negotiate with your current partner about their involvement with their ex? Or maybe your ex is not respecting the boundaries you set for your new relationship. And what do we do when there are children involved?
Our first guest advocates for clear boundaries. The second guest unpacks her current situation with her partner, who is allowing inappropriate boundaries to be crossed, and Iyanla advises on how to communicate her feelings. Our final guest tells Iyanla how she once had to check her partner's ex and how the ex responded.
Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!
Instagram & X: @IyanlaVanzant
Facebook: @DrIyanlaVanzant
I am.
I Amla, your host, your guide, a teacher for salm, and a soft place to fall for others. I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself enough to be able to share my love with other people. Welcome to the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome. Welcome to the our Spot, the place we come to examine, explore, investigate, expand our concepts and experiences of relationships, all kinds of relationships. Today we've got an interesting topic. Who checks the X? I cannot tell you how many letters I get, how many questions I get about Okay, I'm with this person and their ex calls or demands or disrespects me or intrude some way in our relationship, and my partner seems to be at a loss about how to deal with it. Who checks the X? When the ex has a presence in your relationship that's creating discord between you and your partner. Why does your partner have such a hard time checking the X? And what do you do when your partner seems to have an affinity, a connection and ongoing attachment to somebody they are no longer with Is this a minagatoire? Are there three of us in this relationship or four of us? And what happens? Should your partner have children and needs to con continue to be in a relationship with the ex. But the ex is just off the chain, rude, disrespectful, intrusive, bad behavior of all manner and all kind. And your partner seems to be totally oblivious. Ah, who checks the X? We're going to talk about that today and talk about what are some of the warning signs and what are some of the things that need to be corrected immediately, and how does that correction take place? And who does it? Do you do it? Does a partner do it? Does a partner check the X? Do you check the Oh? My goodness, As you can see, it is a hot mess, and that's why we're looking at it today. So I've got some callers who are going to bring their experience, and of course I've got some coaching so that I can support both my callers and you the listener about who checks the X? So let's get to it. Greetings, be loved, and welcome to the R Spot. We've got a hot topic today. That topic is who checks the X, So what is your experience in that area? Good afternoon, Good afternoon.
I don't believe that anyone should check the X because the X has no place in a new relationship. So if the X is relevant, bothered from and in the relationship, and that means that I need to check my partner and that I need to check out of the relationship because the only way the X can be in the relationship is if they were let in. And so for me, when someone checks the X, it means now they're doing damage control because they should have checked that door to their path before it interfere with our relationship.
Yeah, but what about children? What about when your ex has children?
I believe that there should be boundaries that are effected and then it's the X in that instance. In those scenarios, if they're causing problems, then there's always you know, ways to deal with that. Then I do believe that that falls on my partner to check the X. But the ex should never be in a position where they can threaten our relationship or make me feel uncomfortable, So that falls completely on my partner.
Why would you feel uncomfortable if your partner has to deal with their ex. Maybe they own property together, maybe they have children together, Maybe there's an ongoing connection. You know, that's normal, manageable. Why would that make you feel uncomfortable?
Oh no, it would only make me feel uncomfortable if boundaries are crossed, and if there are no boundaries that are set in place. So no no body by no by no means if there's postonic, if there's a platonic relationship, if they're cold parents, think if they're you know, tying up any loose in the nets. Absolutely understandable. But it becomes a threat to me and our relationships when those boundaries are crossed, when anything outside of a platonic relationship starts to kind of surface, you know, and then my intent is start to kind of go up.
Mm hm. Tell me some of the boundaries that you think need to be in place when for a valid reason, a very valid reason, there's an X involved. What are some of those boundaries?
Absolutely so, for instance, in a scenario where there's kids involved, I absolutely believe that you know, things happen. So if there's any communication between the exies, I think anything outside of the children or need eminent reasons or you know, life or death situations, I don't think that that those conversations should be have. I think it should be very much so specific to the children. And if it goes beyond that to anything more personal or you know, kind of reminiscing on as issues in their relationship, I think that's when boundaries are crossed. Anything that's platonic, I think that that's absolutely reasonable. But I think that there should be lines that are drawn and know one should be disrespected.
Okay, so if they let's say there's children involved, what do you say about calling If the ex needs to call.
They can call it anytime, even if it's in the real the night, as long as it's pertaining to the child. I'll also say this, I Ama, even if something happens to the other parents, if the other parent gets sick, then I do believe that that is reason to call and consult with the other parents because you know, maybe you know, my partner may have to go pick up their kids, you know, keep the kids for a while until the other parent gets better. You know, if there's a situation where the mother is facing you know, hardships in life. I do believe that those are situations because it ultimately affects the child. So as long as it still benefits the well being of the child. I think that's absolutely reasonable.
What about come to my house. I've got a plumbing problem and I can't afford a plumber. Oh no, that affects the children.
It does, But they can also move the children in with us, you know, temporarily, you know, while they kind of fix those issues. Right, So, and even if my partner wants to, you know, help out and those areas or kind of give extra funds, and that's absolutely okay, But I don't think it creates It starts to kind of open up a can of ones, and then it kind of creates room for doubt.
Right, Do you want to know about all phone calls between your partner and the X No?
And the reason thing is because if I need to know every single aspect of my partner's life when I'm not around them, then that means that there's something that's going to go on inside of me where I don't trust my partner. I don't need to know, but I would like to know if it's affecting the child. Okay, Oh well, Johnny's mom is sick, so he's gonna have to come stay with us for a few days. Okay, fine, you know, I will allow my partners the opportunity and you know, have the opportunity to kind of come to me with that. I don't I don't at all think that I should be kind of checking up, checking phones, you know, question them, because no one wants to do that, right.
We want to have a very.
Trusting relationship, and I would trust my partner to be open with me, to kind of communicate those things to me. Should I know it now? Because I am a firm believer was what goes and the watch comes out in the rich. So if anything is happening that's inappropriate, then I'll find at the time.
Well, what what if the ex does, like you come to your house and don't speak to you in that.
Instance, and that still kind of falls on my partner to address it. And you know, it's kind of like a tricky situation because I still want to kind of be cordial for the kid's sake. I would never, you know, act out of character in front of the kids. So if there's an answer to where I'm disrespecting, and you know there's you know, there are certain levels can disrespect that we just can't tolerate, then I would seak up. But I would absolutely quote my partner accountable for addressing those situations because if we're together, we're married, and we're living together, then then that means that you know, you should be checking your ass about speaking to your wife and respecting your wife, especially since we're all trying to, you know, maintain a cause your relationship for the kids, because you know it's it's really nonsense, and then the kids starts to kind of revent the other parents or the step parents.
I don't think you've ever had to deal with this, have you? What I did?
I did when I get married my son's father, he was very much so rebellious, he resented me. He started to disrespect my husband. So I addressed him because we are one right, so if you disrespect him, you're ultimately disrespecting me. So I was able to kind of get it under control. You know, I set boundaries where you don't you don't have to come side of my house. You know, we can kind of be still meet outside because what are you really coming inside of my house for, right, especially if you have an issue with my husband, because my husband is still you know, he's first of my life. You know, you're married your partner becomes you know, first a side from God. I'm so sorry, but absolutely it absolutely falls on me to make sure my partner knows that I respect him enough to not allow anyone else to disrespect him.
So the X has to check the X. I can hear that. And you know, I think sometimes it may be a little different in your scenario. For example, you had the ex husband or the child's father acting inappropriately, so as the X, you checked him so that your current partner or your new partner would be respected. But thank you for calling, well.
Thank you for having me. Thank you so much.
Okay, I enjoy it. Bye bye, Welcome back to the R spot. Today we are talking about who checks the X and I had a caller that said, it's the ex's responsibility to check the X. And I'm telling you, I have heard stories. I have heard stories, and what my first caller said is absolutely imperative. Boundaries. You must have clear boundaries. There must be boundaries between the old partner and the new partner, between the old partner and the relationship. There must be boundaries. There can be alliances when people are mature and when they're ready, and when that first relationship is totally complete. One of the things that creates problems is people break up but the relationship isn't complete, so they're still harboring feelings, carrying feelings, having feelings up. Please, it's a mess, but let me see what my next caller has to say. Greetings, beloved, and welcome to the R spot. We are talking today about who checks the X and the problems that an X can cause in a relationship when they haven't been checked, when they haven't been put in their place, when they don't have clear boundaries.
So what is your experience my experiences? I just recently called my boyfriend on the telephone talking with his X. We got into at argument and then he told me that he's going to always love her no matter what.
M Okay, you said, you caught you caught him on the phone. What does that mean?
Because he was he was quitz frid like on the phone and I said, who are you talking to and he said, I'm talking to Lisa And I said, Lisa, that's an ex that's an ex girlfriend and he said, yeah, you know, and then we got into a little stack. Then he said he's gonna always love her no matter what. And then she sent some pictures, naked pictures of her?
What what? Wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute. She said, what.
Naked pictures of her? Brest and starts to him and he said, you wouldn't understand what that means. What does that mean?
Well, what did it mean?
It needs it's more going on besides being friends. I'll tell you that.
So how old is your relationship with this person? Oh?
Well, it's been four years now. What happened is Okay, I met him and we you know, we moved in together and everything like that. And then you know, I didn't know he was still talking to the girl. He said, he wasn't talking to anybody. I didn't know he was still in contact with his ex. And so I found he was talking on the phone to her. So we got together. Then everything went went so then he said, well he's not talking to her no more. Then recently I found out again he's still talking to her.
Have you met her? Does she know you?
No? No, she don't know me. I don't know her. I don't know about her name is Lisa?
Okay? But is it her you need to check? Or is it him? You need to check?
That's why I'm calling you. I don't know what he's doing.
What what have you said to him about it? Have you told him that it doesn't feel right? It makes you uncomfortable because he can love her, but does he have clear boundaries with her? He can, he doesn't have to stop loving her.
But why would you say make the pictures of yourself?
Well, see, now that's crossing a boundary, right? And did you tell him how that makes you feel?
Yeah? I feel, But that's how I feel. He's still going to be He's still going to be in love with her no matter what.
That's a problem. Why did they break up?
I can do about it?
Why did they break up?
I don't the story. I found out that she was on drugs and they had a partner together, and she was spending up the rent money, wasn't paying the rent and all. That's that's the story I heard from them. So I really don't know, and that's how they broke up.
Is she the one he was with before you and him got together?
Yes?
Mm hmm okay, And so they've been separate in apart for almost four years?
Right?
Yes? Yes?
So let me ask you, what are you willing to do?
That's why I'm calling you. I don't know.
Yes you do, Yes, you do.
If I do from the beginning and he was still talking to her, I would have I would have never, you know, got involved in the relationship if he would have told me he was still talking to her. But a different story.
Speaking to her is one thing.
You think that's okay for your for his ex will still be they still should be talking into each other. How do I have exit? I don't even have nothing to do.
Yeah, well, I I talked to my ex. I don't go to this else he doesn't come to my house. I certainly the issue here is the naked pictures, because that's a level of intimacy that impugnes upon your relationship. And then for him to tell you I don't care how you feel, beloved, that's a problem. So are you gonna wait till you come home and find him in the bed together? Okay? What are you acting like? You don't know?
I know, but you know, I wish I never just thought, you know, for you know, being in love with him and stuff like that. If you would have told me from the whole beginning, then you know, I would have went my way, you know, But I didn't know he was still talking to this lady. You know, I didn't know. I did not know.
But listen to me all the in here. I want to say this again. Talking to her is not the issue. The fact that he has given her the space to send him intimate pictures that is the issue. Him loving her is not the issue. Because you can love somebody and know that you're not good for each other. You don't have to you can't be together. You can do that, that's fine, but you gotta have clear boundaries. Intimate pictures crosses a boundary. But more important than what she's done, it's what he has said to you. That's what you got to look at and deal with. So does he live in your house or do you live in his house?
Well, I bought a house. I bought a house in North Carolina. So I'm in North Carolina now and he's here. It's my house.
So do you want somebody in your house who disrespects you?
No, I don't.
I don't, But he's there.
He's here, But you know, and I'm trying to find a way. I got trying to find a way out. You know, I can't deal with this because it's bothering me. It really bothers me.
Well, let's let's not say I can't deal with it. That's because that makes you powerless, and you're not powerless. Let's say this is not how I choose to be in relationship with somebody. You don't choose that. So what is the conversation that you can have with him to let him know this is unacceptable and what the consequence will be if he doesn't get it cleared up?
What will the consequence be he would have to go that's the end of the relationship.
Okay, But what is the conversation that you could have with him?
My conversation will be this, I just want him to you know, why do you have to stay in touch with this lady? What is this all about? Why is she sending you these pictures?
You know?
He said, I'll never understand what's to understand about maked pictures?
But why do you understand that the issue is not the pictures. The issue isn't even her, Yes, he is the issue that he thinks that's okay, that he would give her space to do that, and then he would tell you, I don't care what you feel about it, you don't understand. Well, this is what I understand. I can't be in relationship with the man who's receiving naked pictures from his ex. That's about him, that's not about her. Now, if she will call in your house and you know, making a disruption, he's given her the space to do what she's doing. And I get I get that you've got a four year investment in this relationship, but how far have they gone? Will they go? Can they go? If he is committed to this relationship with you, he would really want to check why he would do something that makes you uncomfortable. Why is she sending him naked pictures? That's not the appropriate question. The appropriate question is if you are in relationship with me, how do you think it makes me feel that you are having another woman send you naked pictures? That's the appropriate question. And also to let him know not tok. There's no argument here that's unacceptable. I will not be in a relationship with a man who's intimately involved with his AX. I don't have a problem with you loving her, that's your heart. You can do that. But this right here, m hm, don't work for me. Doesn't work for me. But I also hear your fear, hesitancy, resistance to the power stability that you may have to let him go. Mm hmm, yes, you do. Stop saying you don't know, You absolutely do know. What is your fear? Hesitancy, resistance? What is it?
It's not no fear, it's just put im invested in this relationship, and you know it's it's a lot. I don't know.
Let me ask you a question. Okay, now I'm gonna get all up in your business. All right, m hm. Prior to this relationship, did your partner cheat on you? No? Okay, So have you not that you he passed away? Okay, yeah, m he passed away. How long between his passing and this relationship.
Maybe about about seven months? Seven eight months?
Okay, So this is kind of like a rebound relationship. He's filling the space of that previous partner. So to let this go, you're gonna run, You're gonna fall head first into that empty space that your partner, your other partner left.
But I mean we're together as a couple, so you know that's.
You know, you're together as a couple. But he's receiving naked pictures from another woman, and what is the consequence of that? He knows, you know about the pictures. He knows you saw them, you raised it with them, So what is the consequence for him doing that? What's the consequence? So why should he stop?
I mean getting that, I get an argument and stuff, but that's you know, well.
What is the argument about? Tell me what the argument is? Like?
Why should you filling your pictures? And why did you talking to and stuff? I thought you said you wasn't calling no more than h you know, stuff like that. You know, but this has to this has to end. It has to be over with. I'm really tired of it, really, that's why.
You know.
I saw your thing and I said, let me give you a call and see what you What kind of advice you could give me about the situation.
Well would you be if she hadn't sent the pictures? Are you okay with them being friendly and having conversation?
No?
Okay?
If it was kids involved, yes of course, But okay, there's no there's no kids involved, No children involved.
No kids, no property, no, no okay, nothing nothing. So make believe I'm him and tell me how this makes you feel.
How would you feel? How would you feel if my if I had an ex and they were sending me maket pictures of them, you know, That's what I would ask him that question. And why you keep doing this to me? Why I'm not doing nothing wrong. I'm faithful, I don't do anything you know. I do everything right. I'm not doing anything wrong, you know.
So let me offer you another possibility for a conversation. Okay, We've been in this relationship for four years now, and our relationship is important to me. I want you to know that I care about you, I love you. I want you to know that I'm really really grateful for what we have together and what we've built together. And I also want you to know that I need to trust you, that I need to know you respect me, you honor me as your partner. And I have to tell you honestly, the fact that you are okay with your ex sending you intimate pictures knowing that it upsets me. I'm not okay with that because that says to me a that you don't honor what we have together, be that somehow she's fulfilling a need for you that I don't fulfill, and see that it feels very disrespectful. So here's my request, stop it, stop it, and if it happens again, and if I discover that it's happening again, I want you to know, I'm out. It's called the deal breaker. This is a deal breaker. It's disrespectful, it's dishonorable. Now you want to love her, which says to me their relationship isn't complete. If she holds a certain place in your heart, I can't do anything about that. But she can't be in the place in your heart that I'm in. She can't be in there not naked fully clothed, if she had a church hat on, she don't need to be sending you no pictures. Okay, if I discover it, if you do it again, I'm out. This is done. That's called draw your line in the sand. Draw your line in the sand. And if he crosses that line, don't back up and draw another line. There's no reason for him to stop. He's told you he don't care what you think about it. He told you you don't understand his intimate communications with his acts, because as a man, he has to be care full with your heart, care meaning full of care for your heart. And if this disturbs your heart, if it disquiets your spirit, if it gives you doubt and hesitation, about your union. That needs to be important to him, and it doesn't sound like it is. Personally. I would tell him I want to talk to her, get her on the phone, and I would say to her, beloved, I know that you in Booboo had a relationship. My understanding is that's done. Is that accurate? Is your relationship with him over?
Oh?
If it is, I'm going to request that you no longer send him intimate pictures. We are in a relationship, and that is disrespectful. So here's the question. How much are you willing to disrespect yourself in order to be with somebody else?
I am unhappy? Really, yeah, I am unhappy. You know, I'm not really happy with the relationship and really like that and really into it, into it, into But now it's like dying. It's like kind of like behind out, you know, and I could you know because of that? You know?
So do you want to leave him or do you want to wait till he leaves you?
I won't leave him. I think I'm ready. I'm ready. No, I'm really ready.
And I want you to keep in mind what I said. Once he's gone, you're going to fall head first into the hole that your other partner left when he transitioned, when he died, Because this is really a rebound relationship. How long were you with him before you passed away?
At about seven years.
There's no way that you're with somebody for seven years. They die, so there's no possibility for reconciliation. They die, youre is no way you're ready for a relationship in seven months. So let's give thanks that this wonderful child of God, the partner you're with now, came in to support you in healing and and getting over your other partner. But now four years later, four years later, now you get to grieve. Now you get to grieve, and I want to encourage you. Don't don't fight, draw your line in the sand, make your specific request, and if he cannot honor that request, don't back up and draw another line. This is done. I'm out, Take your naked pictures and go, go go whatever it doesn't No, don't even don't even issue that invitation. Where he goes is none of your business. He can go home to Mama sofa, he can go to the y MCA. Where he goes is none of your business. This is done. You got seven days to be out of here. Or twenty four hours or forty eight hours or whatever. Don't argue, and then.
You get so much for your advice.
Okay, my love, you take good care.
Okank you so much again. Bye bye, all right, and you have a bye bye. You have a blessed day now.
Thank you. Oh my heart goes out to us beyond who checks the X. It's the things that we will accommodate and tolerate and entertain and engage just not to be alone or to be with someone or whatever. But that's an important question. How much self disrespect, self denial will you endure just to be with someone else? Oh my god, I can't even and there's nothing to argue about. This is done. I'm out. This is done. I want to talk about drawing that line in the sand. I want to talk about creating clear boundaries. I want to talk about how to present your case when the ex is running a monk, or when your current partner is giving the ex permission to run a monk. We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Who checks the X is our topic for today, and my last caller presented a very very interesting scenario where her current partner admitted that he's still in love with his ex and told her that she wouldn't understand why the ex is sending him naked pictures. Listen, there's some things I don't need to understand. There are some things that are just unacceptable that I will not accommodate or tolerate, or entertain or engage in my space. And that's when you draw your line in the sand. You have to have a deal breaker. We did a whole show about deal breakers. You have to have a deal breaker. And whether it's the ex, the mama, the kids. You are kids, you know you have to put up with a little more. But when it's just two adults and there's something going on that violates your sense of peace and joy, something that violates the trust of your relationship, you must draw your line in the sand, meaning this is where I draw my line, and if you cross this line, I'm out done. I don't care if we've been together since God visited Chicago, I'm out because without the line in the sand, there's no consequences. And if there's no consequences, why should the person stop. Draw your line in the sand and if they cross it, you must enact the consequences. You must know this is a deal breaker. That's why you got to set your deal breakers before you get into the relationship. Who checks the X? Who checks the X? I think, and I could be wrong, that it's the ex's partner, your current partner's responsibility to check the X, to draw the line, to create the boundaries, just as my first callers. And when that's not done, or when the ex is reluctant, hesitant, ineffective, then how do you respond? What do you do?
And that's my next.
Caller, Zakiya are you there?
I am here?
Who checks the X?
Well, you know the ex should checks the X.
I think that there should be an opportunity in space given for.
Your partner to check their X.
But right around the time they don't, it's my turn I will check X.
So what was your experience and what has your experience s been?
Well, my previous relationship, the X just did a lot of different things that I felt were inappropriate.
Oh, do tell give me the dirt.
We're talking about inappropriate phone calls that had nothing to do with their child. We're talking about me finding out that they were on my property doing things with their child, chopping wood, things of that nature, all of which I addressed with my partner. And there were times that he said he didn't know about those things or that he would address them, but there were there were little to no changes. So when I saw that he was not addressing the challenges that were very present and obvious, at some point she sent her son into my house to get her something to drink, and I shut it down.
It was done.
Okay, wait a minute, you said some juicy things here that I want to clear up. Okay, you said they were inappropriate phone calls. Do tell give me the dirt. Well, what is an inappropriate phone call?
Well?
Where are you? What are you doing?
Which had nothing to do with their son? You know, the son was here, you know, at our home, and so why does she need to know where you are or what you're doing? That's inappropriate? Okay, Paul's that you know. I do believe that you know, you have history with your ex and you know you can still love them, but there are boundaries that you should have if you are in a relationship.
Okay, So you know, being.
Cordial even you know, having a friendship that allows you to present very well for your child. I believe it is necessary and healthy for the child. But when it comes down to we're just calling and having casual conversations, I think that that's for me, is where I drawed the line.
Now, let me ask you a question, because I raised this scenario earlier. Were you ever formally introduced to the ex since you all are sharing a child?
Uh huh, I will say.
I will say, you know, we were well into the relationship, you know, months in almost a year in before it was a you know, we're picking up the sun and so and so, this is so and so, and it was a high enda by so there was no conversation, there was you know, there was no formal introduction.
No, see that. I believe that's a problem, particularly or specifically when there are children involved. When an X goes into a new relationship and that ex, whether it's a he or she, are co parenting with the ex, I think the partners need to be introduced so that you and his mother can have alignment and what you're doing with him for the child. I just think that makes sense. Otherwise it's going to be a natural friction or a disconnect. Does that make sense to you?
Absolutely, especially if your child is living in my home?
Ooh, okay, so inappropriate phone calls? No, inappropriate phone calls. Now, what do you do or what did you do when your partner didn't check his acts? What did you do?
I checked him?
Oh, tell me more, give me the dirt.
You know, my issue is not with her. My issue is with him because he's the one I'm.
In relationship with.
However, when I did have an issue with her was when you know, I mentioned that she sent the child into the house to get her something from out of my house. That's where I drew the line, because you don't get to send anyone into my house to ask for anything for you. Now, you can have him come, ask me if it's okay, and I would probably have given you a bottle of order. But you can't assume I'm not going to drop your son off to your house and tell him to go in your house and get me something out of it. That's inappropriate.
Why didn't she come to the door and ask for a glass of water?
Well, because prior to that there was very minimal communication and conversation between she and I. So more just a high and by so there's really never been a relationship established. So I don't know if this was a practice that she had with him prior to me coming into the fold of things. You know, she may have been able to send her son into his house to get something, you know, And so I don't want to make up what that was for her, but for me, she needed to know it was inappropriate.
Uh. Yeah, And again I'm going back to my premise that it's important for the new partner and the ex to have connection, specifically when there are children involved. When there are children involved, absolutely you've got to have an alliance because if the child is living in the house with the new partner, then the non custodial parent needs to be in communication. You don't have to get your nails done together or go to the barbershop together, but there needs to be an alliance between the non custodial parent and the custodial parents new partner. Otherwise how do you communicate about the child?
You know?
You will also find and I can't say that this was the case in my relationship, but I have seen it where you know, people aren't complete with the X.
Yes, and so where I have.
Seen in other instances, you know, people will say things to the current partner to keep them away from the X so that they can play their little game, you know. And so I've seen a lot of that, and that really creates a lot of problems and relationships because there are inappropriate things that are being said to the X, which then in turn gives the X space and permission to disrespect the current partner.
Bad behavior, bad behavior. Do not gossip about your current partner with your ex. Do not do that, because that creates an alliance between the two exes against the current partner that is bound to end up in a mess. It's bound. So when the day came that you had to check her, what you do?
Well?
You know the scenario when.
With the son calling her and telling her I told her no, him no, that he could not provide the water. And then she thought she was gonna call and check me.
Oh oh, oh, oh, checkmate. What happened.
Her initial conversation was, if you have something to say to my son about me, you need to say it to me. And my response to her is that what I said to your son I would say to anyone, because he can't come into this house take something out of it to give to anyone without having a conversation with me and his father, So whether it was you or someone else, he would have got the same conversation. And so of course it turned into a lot of her What she said to me was that she had been gracious enough with me, So that's where the checking started me and so I just kind of ran down all of the inappropriateness of her behavior and some of the things.
She went on to explain that my partner knew about that. He told me he didn't know about some of the things.
She didn't see how or where they were problematic.
So I was able.
To express and explain how they were for me and inappropriate for me, and you know, in this particular case, by the end of the conversation she was apologizing, so it you know, it turned out to where, you know, we are cordial. I'm not interested in being her friend, and I don't think she's interested in being mine. But as long as there's an understanding and a respect level there, I'm fine.
With that, all right. So, if I'm hearing you correctly, your belief experienced position stance is that it's the extras responsibility to check the ex However, when that doesn't happen, if you have to take matters into your own hands, stay clear and specific about your line in the sand.
Absolutely.
Okay, well that makes a lot of sense to me.
Because I'm because here's the thing, I'm not fighting for the man. Okay, you need to respect me, and you need to respect my role in your child's life.
Okay, important, very important. Respect me. Respect my role in your child's life because the child lives in my house. Yes, okay, interesting, all right, well I thank you for sharing that. So listen, this is what I'm getting about who responsibility it is to check the X. I hear overwhelmingly that is the ex responsibility to check the X. By creating clear boundaries, I'm also inviting you to consider, when there's an X involved, what are your deal breakers? What are your deal breakers? Because sometimes the X may not check the X, or sometimes the X the other the outside party is just engaging in bad behavior. You've got to know what your deal breakers are, and that deal breaker will break the relationship. You've gotta know that. You've gotta be clear about that. You've gotta understand it. If your husband brings home a baby from an outside relationship, is that a deal breaker? If your wife relies upon her ex or your current partner relies upon her X to fix things around the house, which brings that X into your house when you're not there. Is that a deal breaker? What are your deal breakers? You gotta have deal breakers as it relates to the X. Also, what is your line in the sand that you draw for your current partner as it relates not only to the X, to everything. But right now we're talking about exes. What is your line in the sand. If you cross this line, boo, I'm done with you. But sometimes we're so afraid to let go of what we don't want that will hold on to it. So the EX checks the X. You gotta have clear boundaries. Got to know your deal breakers. You gotta be willing to draw your line in the sand. And this one, my pet peeve. If you've got an X and there are children involved, it is imperative for you to make a formal introduction between your ex and your current partner so that the alliance is there for the sake of the children. I hope you've heard something today that you can use, something that you can apply should this situation apply to you. We all just want to be happy, want to be peaceful, want our relationships to work, and sometimes it means you've got to make really, really hard decisions. But always speak your heart, speak your truth, ask for what you want. Thank you for tuning in, for listening, and I'll see you next time. In the meantime, stay in peace and not in pieces.
Bye.
The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partner ship with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.