When two women call Iyanla looking for advice on what to do about moving on from their current relationships, Iyanla lets them know that first, she doesn’t give advice, and second, that they should be listening to their hearts. One caller is torn about blocking her ex-husband on social media because she views herself as a good Christian woman, and the second caller uprooted her whole life for a drug-addicted man who she can’t seem to move on from.
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I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the fact that I was not always good at making my relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person. In other words, I have seen a lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I am here to share with you what I learned along the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. I know this is probably gonna rustle some people's feathers, and that's okay. We get caught up in the words, we get caught up in someone else's in turn interpretation of how we should live. But what I know to be true is God's source, Creator, whatever you want to call it, speaks to your heart. And sometimes what comes up in your heart totally contradicts the things we've been taught. And I say, there really is no disconnect about what you need to do to honor yourself, to take care of yourself, and to be in alignment with the nature of your source. Follow your heart, Follow your heart, particularly for women. So I'm not telling anybody not to listen to the advice of this spiritual supporter, this spiritual God, please the spiritual guide their spiritual elders. I'm not saying that at all, but if something don't make no sense to you, check your heart. And that's exactly what I'm telling my next caller. Check your heart, because that's where God is speaking. Okay, greetings, we love it, and welcome to the r spot. Thank you for calling in today. And what is your relationship challenge? Issued dilemma that we're gonna nibble on together?
So I am married for seventeen years in the process of a divorce due to numerous infidelities outside children. I had what broke the camels back. There was a whole bunch of them. But when a lady called me and asked for him on my cellphone, I said, sorry, he's not him. I take a message. She said, well, who's this? I said, his wife of sixteen years? And who are you? His wife of sixteen years? And I'm playing them for him. I said, I'm sorry you're going through all this, ma'am. How did you get my number? She was upset, and what do you think I'm going to fight the first when this is routine? So that I blocked him. January second, I said, hey, please be a messy, control your hose from reaching me. Don't be so sloppy, and you will live your life. I'm moving on. I blocked him. It's been I power for divorce. It's still pending because he's contesting it. He's contesting it.
Okay.
So I just recently, not too long ago, learned about narcissism, and I don't understand how seventeen years went by and I didn't notice the trends of that's what they're called illness. So since I'm a Christian, I'm having a challenge with Christianity and what you're told complain about nothing and pray about everything, and staying in a marriage with all this disfunction and you have to move on and heal or you sit there and put that out of cheek for the rest of your life.
Oh my lord, Okay, tell me how you are defining narcissism. Did you look that up with Professor Google?
Yes? I did, and I see a lot of videos about it from narcissist themselves. Because they did, they were diagnosed already. So I'm like, oh my gosh, that is him. I've been such an.
How are you defining narcissism.
Okay, he only worries by himself. Gaslight you. Everything is your fault. So, for instance, he gave me his phone to see something on YouTube a young lady. I saw all the type of naked pictures. I go, who's this? He got upset. Why why are you in my phone? This is your fault. You shouldn't have been in my phone. What so everything is your fault. It's never in what. You shouldn't have been in my phone. We won't have this problem. Really, you know it didn't. So everything is me, nothing is him. He doesn't care. He's totally disconnected. Even though it's seventeen years, I feel like I don't know him. He doesn't care emotions about anything. He tells me all that. Now I know since I saw the symptoms of it. My mom could die right now. I won't even cry. My brother's anybody in my family. I don't know why I have this switch. It turns off and I can't turn it on. So now I understand. Once I saw in videos about narcissism, I'm like, that's what it is.
He got. So let me ask you a question. What's the distinction the difference that you make between narciss system and a broken little boy who grew up to be a broken little man. What's the distinction that you make.
Since it is a sickness, one is childhood drama and another one is a sickness that you're born with from what I little information that I gather, So.
You think people are born narcissists, that's what? Or is it that their experiences lead them to that defense mechanism?
Yes, I believe that's something in their childhood.
Yes, yeah, all right, So you married a broken little boy who grew up to be a broken man, and you didn't see the signs, which I don't believe. I believe you saw the signs, but you didn't know what to call it. So you just said, Okay, that's just how he is.
I saw the wrong stuff. But being in the church getting counseling from my pastor is okay. I can't believe I have to say he complain about nothing. I'm prayer about everything.
Okay, Okay, Well that was well that isn't it interesting that that was a man telling.
You that truement true statement.
You know, there's a scripture in the New Testament. I don't want to take the time to go far it. You know, there's several of them. One of them talks about when you give your daughter for marriage, that what the man has to give you know her worth and her worth in this particular weight. There's another scripture there that talks about I think it's beating the wife or beating the person that offends you. I mean, there's so many things in the Bible that were written in a time that no longer is aligned with the times that we're living.
That's true.
I mean, how many goats? How many goats do would you give for your daughter today? And what you're gonna do with a goat in a condo in the city, Okay, how many rubles?
Absolutely, you're correct, absolutely.
And as someone that's gone to seminary and done that level of training, I think people who read the Bible literally rely and then make adjustments for the changes in time do their flock a grave disservice, you know, because we pay attention to this part but not attention to that part. So you got to pay attention to pray about everything, complain about nothing, but you won't take some goats for your daughter.
I remember hearing with someone to ask you a question on Facebook. They ask you, how do you deal with are narcissist? You laugh? I said you don't, you don't. Why are you You don't? You know? And I was like, right, so I remember that.
Yeah. So it doesn't matter if he was a narcissist, if he was a broken little boy, that none of that matters. What matters is where are you now? What are you choosing now? And how do you go about creating what it is that you want? See think that we have to be all up in somebody's psychosocial history, and we don't. And you can hook it on Christianity if you want to, most of which is men interpreting the Word of God in a way that benefits them, because the Word also says, you know, it doesn't say this in the Bible. But when they marry us, they say till death do you part? And I say, death of what, death of communication, death of satisfying sex, death of financial support, death of what? Till death of what do us part?
Oh? That's good, because.
If you're not respecting me, if you're not honoring me, if you're not you know, curling my toes in the bed, if you're not supporting me financially, if you're not treating me. If you're not living up to your part, then for me the marriage is dead.
And then now my struggle is okay, is it bad? Because again this Christianity, think, how are you gonna block him? You're the only Jesus he's gonna see. I've been walking away him was seventeen years. If he didn't get the Jesus. When even you may be the only Jesus and you separating yourself, how are you going to see Jesus. I'm like, well, I don't know. Maybe somebody else has to cross his path and show him. Because I.
Can. I say this, stop being a Christian and be more christ Like. Stop being a Christian because that's a theology, that's a dogma, that's a set of behaviors and expectations. Be more christ Like. So when Christ saw the man that was that was possessed by demons, he didn't try to talk to the demon. He just cast the demons behind down there with the pigs. He didn't say, come on, demons, stop being a demon. He just cast it out. When Christ went into the temple and saw the people doing trading and doing the things that they were not supposed to do in the temple. He didn't have a community gathering and try to talk them out of it. He turned the Duram tables over and told them to get the heck up out of there. So stop being a Christian and be christ like. Put an end to the things that don't honor God. And since you and God are one, put an end to the things that don't honor you, period.
So it's nothing wrong with blocking him to prevent because I need to eat on that contact.
Does talking to you, just talking to him honor the God in you? Does fighting with him honor the God in you? Does trying to figure out why he's wonderful child of God cleverly disguised as a selfish narcissist? Does that honor the God in you?
Ma'am?
So, then don't do that. Stop being a Christian and be christ Like.
Yes, ma'am, received, and.
Don't ask another minister what you're supposed to do. Ask God?
Got it?
Blocking him? Tell me where in the Bible does it say do not block your partner in the midst of a divorce? Tell me where's that scripture? Is that Old Testament a New Testament? Oh?
Okay, I have priority. I appreciate it, I got it.
Okay, over, stop being a Christian and be christ Like, and don't look in the Old Testament, because then you're gonna have to figure out how many goats the man is gonna have to give you when he tries to marry your daughter.
Okay, yes, madam, thank you, stay.
In the New Testament. Okay, thank you for your time. I love you back. Bye bye. When you let somebody talk you out of what you know, or you let somebody try to justify why you should do what you know you shouldn't do, you're always gonna get in trouble. That's what my caller is learning. She knows something ain't right for her, she knows it's not good for her, but somebody's telling her to do it. Now. My next caller, she don't even know. She doesn't even know that what she knows or what she knew, she's talking herself out of it. We'll talk to her when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. I mean, Yamla, and today we're talking about that. You got to know what you know. I've got a guest today who knows something, but somebody is telling her something else, or she's telling herself something else, acting like she don't know what she know cause she's young, she doesn't have the experience. So I want to help her understand. Listen to this. Greetings beloved, welcome to the R Spot. I understand that you have a relationship dilemma you want to talk about today.
Yes, good afternoon. Thank you for taking a call. Oh, I really appreciate it.
Thank you for calling. And how can I support you today?
I need some advice. I'm twenty eight. I'll be twenty nine next month. I was in a eight year relationship. I'm up rid of my life from DC to come down South to be closer to him, and it didn't work out. And the reason we started doing like pre marriage accountil last year and everything was going good, but I just felt like he wasn't where I needed him to be at thirty, like well, you know, have a financial difficulty and things of that nature. And I was like, yeah, I'm like they to get yourself together, but I'm just not dealing with it. So I cut it off in February and we talked here and there, I had a conversation. I thought everything was good, but back this month I heard some news that it was disheartening about who he really is. I heard that he had like a substance issue with coke, which I never knew about, never had any inclination about it. I knew that he liked the party, one of the issues that we used to get into it about because he liked the party. Say out to five thirty. I answered his phone and things of that nature, and I'm just like, yeah, I don't want to hust them like that. I don't want to deal with someone like that. So that was another issue where I broke it off. He ended up going out one night to five thirty, not answering his phone. I was like, wereing cocal therapy. If you can't walk up a straight and narrow I'm just gonna let it be what it is. So this entire time, I'm thinking he's getting himself together. But finding out that he was used to coke, and then finding out he's dealing with like other women and has moved home, It's like kind of hurtful and painful in a sense because I rided my life down south, don't know anybody, and try to make it work. When I confronted him with the information and I found out, of course a lot which is like even more painful. And ever since then, he's been calling around like the friends, trying to see who told me instead of like trying to like apologize for hurting me, for lying, like the deceitfulness, the betrayal.
Uh.
And I'm just having a hard time like just moving forward and processing everything.
Take a breath, you know, I love I love you what I call a young and you're young and and oh Lord Jesus safe, bless bless your pointed head. Oh my god. You went into this relationship at a critical time in your life. In that bride, what we call the in the development of a woman's soul, in the development of a woman's being, she goes through various stages. Fourteen to nineteen is the princess time when she's everything is about her and nothing is about her everything. You know, I want this, I want to give me this, go give me, give me me all wanting Buddha, and it's all about her. And then no matter what goes wrong in her life, it ain't about her. Oh, that's about them, that's about them, that ain't about me. You went into this relationship at twenty nineteen twenty, when you were in the bride cycle, and the bride just wants to be chosen. She wants somebody to pick her among all of the other opportunities or possibilities. She wants somebody to choose her to be her companion. She wants somebody to commit to her. She wants somebody to surrender their life and and really make it all about her. She wants to be married. She wants to be a wife, She wants to be those things. She wants to be married. She hasn't really given a lot of thought to what it means to be a wife, because that's a whole nother thing. So you went into this relationship in the bride cycle and to be chosen to be the one you uprooted your life. You picked up and moved closer to him. Wrong. And no, he's supposed to pick up and move to you, baby. He has to build a nest, not you. Now, that's not saying you did the wrong thing. Don't hear me saying that. I'm just saying that was driven by he's choosing me. He wants me, let me go be with him. Does that make sense?
Yeah?
So, unfortunately, because you we're so young into your state, the development of your soul. You didn't have enough experience to know what to look for. You didn't have enough strength and power in your gut, in your belly, and you probably overlook some things or discounted some things that were red warning signs. Ah, he ain't the one. Ah, he ain't the one. Ah, but he's choosing me. Ah, he ain't the one. But you didn't recognize the warning sign over his head because you were young, And then once you uproot and move to be with him, you probably overlooked even more stuff, little signs, little things, because there's no way you can be with a person who's engaging in cocaine and not see the warning signs. Darling, unless you're inexperienced, just blinded. You You tell me which one was it?
I think me thinking I self, speaking out half, discerning about certain things. I knew he liked the party, but I don't know. I wouldn't say I turned a blind eye to I feel like he was just good at hiding it.
Listen, do you want a husband that likes to party?
No?
So, what the heck? What are you talking about?
Theologically speaking, I understand what you're saying, But emotionally, it's like I have like we was a Mary's counseling trying to get everything together. I had my life planned out, and it's like bo now sum down here for a couple more months, not knowing anybody. While he's out I with no care in the world, and I just feel like I got this short.
End of You are not stuck. United American Spirit Southwest. They got a seat for you, and they want you to buy it. I'm telling you, they got a seat for you. They got room for your luck. In your back. There's a U haul truck with your name on it. And you ain't stuck nowhere, amen, But you got to be willing to let go. And because you're still in that bride cycle, you're still hoping against hope.
I agree.
And the hustler in you is trying to figure out what do I need to do to make this right, And the virgo in you is saying, oh my god, I did the wrong thing, because the worst thing you can be as a virgo is wrong. You can be fat, you can be ugly, but you can't be wrong.
It's very embarrassing.
Oh yes, oh yeah, you can tell me. Okay, ask me how I know. Go ahead, ask me how I know. You none of your business. Yeah, so you got a lot going on that don't have nothing to do with him. But let's start right here. You didn't have the experience, the life experience to really recognize the danger zone and the briding. You wanted to be chosen, and he chose you, and you just let that run you into the bushes. That's all it was. And you are doing the absolute correct thing, saying a pump your brakes, no more this. I'm not taking this in the thirty. I'm not. I'm not taking this in the thirty. Now. I need a few minutes to heal this up, but I am not taking this into thirty. So what do we do now? We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. This is all about the stages and the development of your soul as a woman. And you get another choice. You get to make another choice. You do not want to party in coke dealing, philandering husband. You don't want that. Well, maybe you do. Is that what you want?
No, I'm very clear that's not what I want.
Well call Spirit or United or Jet Blue and get you a ticket, or call you haul and get the heck on up out of there, period. No questions asked virgo, because see here's another I can tell you at my age, you're young, and to me, here's another Achilles heel of a Virgo personality. You will stay longer than its necessary, productive, or helpful because of your sense of loyalty. Would that be accurate? Ask me how I know? Go ahead, ask me, ask me.
I know you're a Virgo.
No unnecessary to stay any longer once the era is revealed to you, tuck your virgo tail between your legs, put your pride in your put your big girl panties on. Live with the fact. Oops. As opposed to saying I'm wrong, I did it wrong, I made a mistake, because that'll that'll just that's antithetical to your being instead of saying not say oops, that didn't work. Oops, Oop, that didn't work. Let me get him out of here. How do you move forward with your suitcase? How do you move forward with every case?
What a forgiveness? Never apologize the person ever.
Apologized, or you do that later? Do that later? Do that. He's not gonna apologize. He's a cooke head. Okay, that's ridiculous, he's not gonna apologize for what. Oh my god, you're trying to squeeze blood out of turnip. Forgive yourself, not him. How do you move forward? One step at a time. And if you you can't step, crawl and if you can't crawl, scooch get on your button, scoot yourself up out of there. You're twenty eight, you can start all over. You got kids? No, good, yay, you did something good?
Okay?
You know how? You know how? You sit on your butt and scoot your butt along the floor. That's how you get up out of there, scooching, crawling, dragging quickly and be grateful and keep it moving. And you know what, before you turn thirty, you'll go back and analyze all of this so you don't make this mistake again. Stay single for the next year. Leave that crazy right there where it is. You got a job, you got a career, you got an education, you got a degree. What do you do ob Yes, I work for the Sayer government.
I have a very good job and I have multiple degree.
Okay, will they will? They will they transfer you to another location?
Yes, August first, I know where I'm going. I'm trying to get back to DC.
Well, you know you can. You can go back there if you want to. They getting ready to blow DC up. But that's a whole nother conversation. You can go anywhere in the world. You can go go to Italy. Listen, forget the fact that that didn't work with him. You are free, You have no babies, You got good credit. Yes, go buy a new car. Go buy a new car and get you some good new panties and scoot yourself up out of there. Leave his butt right there. Change your number, block his number. It's a mistake, baby, It's okay. And you did it young, yay. And you didn't involve children, yay. And nobody's gonna know that you spent eight years with crazy except you. And then when you feel ready, because you can't take too much at the time, you'll beat yourself up when you feel red, look back and say, what was the sign that I missed, ignored, denied? What was the sign? What was I telling myself that made me think it would be okay to marry a man that likes to party? What was I telling myself? That's the kind of analysis that you will be able to do. You can't do it right now. Because right now you're embarrassed. Right now you're hurt. Does that make sense, yes, ma'am. How is he behaving? Well, you know what, I don't even care. Don't tell me.
I don't know, don't care. I just don't have the eight years will like have a conversation or some type of level of respect or friendship. But I know that will never be, So I just have.
To accept that.
I think that's the hardest thing, accepting on what the reality is.
Now.
That's the virgo, staying loyal and connected long after it is necessary, productive or helpful. Let me tell your story? Can I tell your story? You know I always got a story. Can I tell you? Okay, So I was married and my husband was acting a little wonderful, I'll call it wonderfulness. I had just had a baby. I think she was maybe five six weeks old. I was in the house one day washing laundry. Doing the laundry. We had a washing machine, but I had to hang my clothes on the clothesline, which I love. I love the wear clothes spell when they're on the clothes line. But that's not important. Doorbell rings in the middle of the day, which was strange, but Okay, I go to the doorbell. Now, mind you, my husband hadn't come home the night before, hadn't come on, which was a frequent occurrence. He didn't come on, and whenever I'd asked him, he'd make me wrong. Were you asking me about I told you I was blah blah blah. Okay, fine, whatever. Go to the door. And there's these two women standing at my door, an older woman and a younger woman. And I open the door, can I help you? And they say are you Charles's wife? And the older woman was speaking, and I said, yes, who are you? She said, well, I'm so and so and this is my daughter such and such, and we want to know. I want to know why you won't give Charles his divorce so he can marry my daughter. Excuse me now, I'm already on the verge of postpartum depression. Okay, And I got these two women standing at my door. I ain't seeing my husband, and over thirty six forty eight hours, however long, and you asking me why I don't give him the divorce so that your daughter can marry him. This is a mother standing at my door ready to to give her daughter to a man who is unfaithful to his wife. I want you to understand now. So I just looked at them and I said, wait a minute. Hold on. I went inside and I got some black trash bags. I went through the closet. I pulled his clothes out with the hangers on him. I put him in the trash bags. I went through his drawers and scooped up his underwear and everything. Put him in the trash bag. I got his clothes off the clothes line and put him in the bag. I dragged them three bags to the door, and I said, here, take them. Wait a minute. I went inside and got his dog, put the leash on the dog, and gave them the dog and slammed the door in their face. Okay, you can have him, take him with a five week old baby. Oh no, what is your line in the sand? Beloved? I knew he was I knew he was sleeping around, but I had a line in the sand. The line in the sand was the woman showing up at my door. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that with you. What's your line in the sand? The coach? Bang, call Spirit, call United, call American, or buy you a new car and get you a U haul trailer. How about that, I agree, which I already knew.
I agree.
Time to go, yeah and go happy, Go happy in your new car. If you buy an airline ticket, get a first class ticket, you got good credit, and don't look back until a year from now, so that you can see yourself. It ain't about him, It's about you. Okay, thank you, call me and let me know where you land.
Oh well, thank you so much, all.
Right, my love, bye bye, by right. I find it so interesting when women act like they don't know what they know. Older women, younger women. We act like we don't know what we know, and then the big mistake is that we'll go outside of ourselves and ask somebody else for information to contradict what we know, and then when it blows up in our face, we act like we didn't know what we knew. You got to know what you know, and even if you don't want to know it, you got to do what you know you need to do. This is all about knowing. I hope this has been helpful to someone, And if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live Act seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.