Iyanla noticed a pattern – whether it’s socks or a pair of pants, what she puts inside the wash is exactly what she gets back out. So when two struggling callers share their experiences with Iyanla, she decides it’s time to look at what they’re putting into their relationships from the start. The first woman feels like she’s putting her all into every romantic relationship she’s had, but when she finally lets her guard down, the love isn’t returned. And the second caller feels as though she’s seen people get burned too many times… Is it even worth trying to find love again?
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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins
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I am the Omla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spend time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. There are two tenants that I believe our present in every single relationship, even when we don't recognize it or understand it or believe that it's there. There are two tenants. The first one is, if you want to know the end, look at the beginning. However that relationship ships started, it's gonna end up, but the same issue being present. So if you started dating a married person, when you leave, they're gonna be with a married person, or you're gonna be with a married person. If you started the relationship on a lie, the lie is what's gonna take the relationship down. If you want to know the end, look at the beginning. Whatever your thoughts were, your feelings were, your behaviors, whatever you birth that relationship in, it's gonna be in the coffin when that relationship ends. That's that's one tenant. The other tenant is what shows up in the relationship is a function of what's going on inside of you. If you've got a belief in rejection, it's gonna show up. If you've got a belief in abandonment, it's gonna show up. If you've got a belief that you're not a good enough or you're not enough, or that you can't trust people, it's gonna show up in the relationship. Because what you put in the wash comes out in the watch. It just does. Listen, Welcome to the art spot. How can I serve support assist you today and moving through relationship challenges? Um? Hi, okay, I'm so excited to meet you. Um, so I am having a problem with dating. Um it seems like every person that I meet, they seem to be like really really great and then they basically turned out to be abandoner. They abandoned me. Um, you know, I let my guard down, and then after I let my guard down, they just almost opposite. They turned like mean and I'm giving them too much time and they need space, and then it's like once I try to give them everything that they want, it's like they just leave. It's like and they don't have any real explanation. Explanations. Besides, you know, this happened, and I just don't feel like it's just serving me. And I'm just like, I'm just really at the point to where I'm just shutting down and I don't know what to do. Like as far as being different, it's like I want to give my off to somebody, but it's like the moment that I do that, the moment I let my guard down and I do nice things for him. And like my past relationship that I just got out of, like I took her on this crazy trip, you know, out the country and I put myself last. I didn't even really do anything for my birthday, and she literally like told me she didn't want to be with me and long term, you know, after she told me before you know she It's just I don't know, I just don't understand why I'm meeting people who just don't want to be with me long term. Because you don't want to be with you long term? How about that? Oh okay, okay, I'm sorry to give it to you like that, but you know, I'm the Matrix Is is one of my favorite movies and and so I I usually offer the bluepail first. Yeah, you don't want to be with you long term. I just I didn't even do anything for my birthday. I took somebody else on the trip. Really, yes, why didn't you take you on a trip? Because if you don't want to be with you, why do you think anybody else wants to be with you? M? Yes, that makes sense. Let me ask you a question. Okay, would you marry you? Would you marry you? Yes? Okay? Why why would you marry you? Um? Because I'm a loving person and I'm there for whoever I'm with and UM permitted. I'm little, I'm understanding, and I try to be my best. I'm not perfect, but I try. M hmmm. So then why do you have a guard up? Oh? Um? I guess because people don't like I guess because I keep being left so it makes me feel insecure and makes me feel like I'm not enough. So what if you believe you're insecure and not enough and you go looking for people to fill those holes for you, which then makes you needy and overwhelming, and they want to get the hell away from you as fast as they can. How about that? I've heard that, Moore, I have Oh yeah, yeah it is. But you've been taking it in. It's just that you're blaming it on other people. Wow, you're right, then look at it that way. What goes into the wash comes out of the wash. If you put two pair of socks and two bras and two pants and a shirt in the wash, what you're gonna get out is two pair of socks and two bras and a pair of two pair of pants and a shirt. That's what you're gonna get out the wah. Now there is a monster in the dryer. The drying monster will eat the socks. So we're not gonna talk about the dryer. We're gonna talk about the wash. If you put that in the wash, that's what you're gonna get out of the wash. So what you put in the relationship is what you're gonna get out of it. And what you're putting into your relationships, my beloved is a guard and a belief that you're going to be abandoned, and the belief that you're insecure and you're not good enough. So then you'll overcompensate trying to hide those things and end up getting the very thing you believe in. I'm abandoned, I'm going to be abandoned. I'm not enough. I'm not good enough, my papa. Now that I'm looking at it, you're right. How go in not feeling I'm enough? I go in feeling insecure, and I feel like to keep them, I need to be pretty, I need to buy nice things for them, I need to give them what no one has ever given them in the whole time. I guess I'm really just trying to keep them from making me feel like day feel. And what you do those things where you're trying to protect yourself. What you do is it looks like, feels like. It could look like, feel like, sound like control. People don't like being controlled. Or it may look like sound like feel like you're trying to buy their love. People don't like that. They want to give their love freely. And if you don't want to be alone with you, then you'll spend an inordinate amount of time being with somebody else and it could feel overwhelming and it makes you look needy, makes you look needy. So it sounds to me like you need to do a little self work here. I could be wrong, because I do believe that you're loving, committed, and loyal, But I also believe see when you say to me, I let my guard down. You take that guard into the relationship with you. You do too much. So what are I guess what are some things that I can do too? I've been trying to do self work. I've been following you for so many years, like since I was like twenty five and I'm thirty now, and um, I've I've been trying to do like a lot of self work. And I guess I don't know. Like I'm trying to do like like I have a therapist and I'm trying to work out traumas that I dealt with as a kid, um, and I do a lot of self reflection and stuff like that. But I guess I haven't did a lot with my I don't know if I was doing it to please other people. Now that I think about it, Oh, look at that. Yeah, yeah, you might want to unpack the abandonment. Let's start here. Let's start right here. Let's see if you can say this and feel this. It doesn't matter what you feel. Let's just see if you can say it and feel it. I am enough. See if you can say that and tell me what you feel. I am enough. I am enough. Can you feel that anywhere in your body. I felt it in my upper chest. Okay, do you believe it? It's scary. That would be a no. I want to like you want to, yeah, but you don't. Okay, and we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. Did mommy leave? Did daddy leave? Who left? Ye left? Yeah? Okay. I thought that I was over there. I thought that I was in a better place. But I guess I just I guess I just focused on other things just to get me away from it, not deal with it. So you gotta unpack that. I really do matter. I don't need love from someone else to make me feel like i'm I'm a good like I'm enough. I'd say I'm enough. I'm gonna say good enough, but enough, Yeah I am enough. Here's another one. See if you can say this and where you're feeling in your body? I matter? I matter? Yeah, where do you feel that in your body? So that in my lower domino like right, right, and well like right, well my bellies kind of was like us. I feel more confident, confident in that matter. Yeah, I matter. I matter because I am enough. I matter because I am enough Where do you feel that recognize that you're enough. You don't have to buy love, you don't have to prove you're worthy of love. You don't even need love. You desire it and you want to share it. You're needing it right now, needing it to fill up some hole. Yeah, trying to prove that you're worthy of it. So I want to recommend two things for you. You said you're in therapy. Are you still in therapy? Yes, I'm in therapy every two weeks, okay. And what what do you know that your therapists modality or what they is it cognitive therapy? Isn't voice dialogue? What do you know what kind of therapy or And I don't know that. I know it's cognitive for sure, and family relationships and stuff. Um, but basically I just kind of to be honest, maybe I need a new therapist because she kind of just asked, like, what's what's going on? And the questions that you're asking and the stuff that I tell her is more of me just unloading myself on her and then her just saying okay, well we should reschedule. I want to make a recommendation. Okay, have you ever have you ever read One Day my Soul Just Opened Up. No, No, I've never read it. Okay, it's a workbook, So I want to recommend you get a copy of One Day my Soul Just Opened Up. Okay, And in there you're gonna find, um M, you're gonna find forty different principles, and each of those principles you're gonna have something to work through. And even if you want to do that work with your therapists, you know you can do that work through that book. Work through One Day my Souldiers Opened Up, because it's gonna ask you some questions. It's going to give you an opportunity to unload some things. And and what I'm sensing about you is that once something is opened up, you can drop right in and get information. Like you just said, I don't know if I'm doing this for myself or for somebody else. You know, so you have access to the information. You might just need some support and opening up. Okay, Okay, that yeah, I think that would be helpful for you. Start there. Start with One Day my Soul Just Opened Up, Because to me, you need to unpack this abandonment and to get on your enoughness and and stop running from the dark places inside of yourself because you you believe the abandonment. Like I said, what you put in the wash comes out, and if it comes out, that means you put it in. And let's get that. Let's get that guard now. Now we're not talking about the dryer. So let's just stay with the wash right now. Okay, I can do that. I can do that, and so work through that and let's see what you come up with. And like I said, even if you work with your therapists on it, you know, and and have her help you see some things here or if you want to change therapists or something cognitive is cognitive therapists is wonderful. I also like voice dialogue unlike in a child. So there's a number of ways that you can do it. And now the good news is you can do therapy online. So yeah, that's a good thing virtually. So start with one day my soul opens up. See how that works for you. See what you get, dig down and don't date right now, give me give yourself a little breathe on that until you get really comfortable with I matter because I'm enough, and I'm enough because I matter. I matter because you don't need to be taking nobody else out the country, right, No, you wanna let somebody take you out the country, somebody pay for you. Yeah, that would be that would be nice for one. But you've got some you've got some habits there that you've gotta break. So let's let's do some work and see what happened. I'm willing to do the work. There's somebody out there because I actually started dating someone and she's really great and she was wondering why I couldn't open up like that, and I didn't want to tell her because I didn't want to scare her off. I'm like, here we go again, But I think I need to tell her, like I just don't need today. And she's a great person from what I see, but I don't want to hurt her because I'm not I'm not right, I'm not ready yet, So I say somebody else. Okay, good, And you saved yourself some money because who who knows what you'd be buying and where you'd be traveling to. Yeah. Yeah, because remember this, you're taking the guard into the relationship with you and even though you may not be thinking about it consciously, the energy, the vibration of it is attracting the very thing that you don't want. Because I'm sure they all start out like nice people. They all start out, but then you're gonna get into your racket. You're gonna start your hustle of buying and overwhelming. And m let's clean up a little bit first, and you can tell her that, you know what, I've got some stuff I need to clean up, not with people, but within myself so that we we would have a chance. Because here's the truth. If she's for you, she'll be there when you get yourself clear. You're right, I'm gonna say that y'all can be friends and talk. But right now, it's not good for you to take this any further. You don't want to reinfect yourself with your wonderfulness. I'll just call it wonderful. I don't want to reinfect myself with this, you know, And let me know how you do in the future. Okay, Well, thank you, appreciate it. Okay, and don't go nowhere with nobody. Okay. Alright, my love, When we face certain challenges in relationships, we want to blame the other person. So here's my third tenant about relationships. It's all about you. Boo, It's all about you. I don't care what the other person does or didn't do, or says or doesn't say. It's all about you. So if you want to know the end, why your relationship and the way they do, or why you end up where you end up in relationships, go back to the beginning and look at the state of your mind, look at the state of your heart, look at the state of your life. In fact, my next caller is a prime example of what goes in comes out. Thank you for your patients, welcome to the art spot. Oh my god, and what is your relationship issue? I've always been a hopeless romantic type of person. But I'm getting old. I'm twoint typing, I'm getting old. I'm a single mom. Um, I'm so Chicago, and my sons dad, he is deceased. Um, so data for me has kind of been like an adventure. Um, I've just been thinking lately, and it's funny. I was scrolling down Instagram and I've seen your post and I'm like, I should just call her. This month alone, I've had a lot of time to like reflect on my own life. You know, me as a mom, me as a person, me as a being he is on my spiritual journey and everything. And I just don't know if I have it in me to like being a relationship. And it's I want to know, is just something normal at this age, or because I've been betrayed so much by men, I don't know if I have the capacity. Two, I don't know. I don't know if it's me or if it's just a man I'm choosing, or I don't know what it is. I just want to know from your perspective, Um, what do you like? Do you think I should consider love? Well, let me ask you this, do you think you should consider love? I like to entertain the idea, but I've been shown so many times over and over again that either I'm not enough or I don't know. It's just like it makes me kind of um create this idea of men and boys and guys and their jeans in general, Like it just makes me think, Okay, men just they just gonna cheat, They just gonna they always want the beast and always want more and more and more. And you can't trust him around your friends, your family or anything. That's just my idea, and I haven't I mean, I've seen even with like celebrity relationships and stuff that I look up to an admire. Um, I see those things and I said, Okay, those okay, maybe it's possible, but who knows, even when you know everybody, everybody's a human, so um it just kind of puts me in a mode where I'm just like, man, I don't think this is gonna be realistic for me. Maybe I am just gonna be that black single mom, you know, even even in the future, Like I'm gonna be like a hundred years old by myself. And is that okay? Is that okay? Is it okay? If that's what you choose, it's okay. I am single right now by choice. I am absolutely single by choice. I've been in relationships. I've been married three times, twice to the same person. But I never gave up on love because I never gave up on myself. But when I started having a repetitive issue in a relationship, I had to ask myself, so, ian Love, why would somebody do this to you? Why would somebody do this to you? Why would you have this experience in your life? And then I changed that question into ian La, how do you do this to yourself? How do you abandon yourself. How do you betray yourself? How do you reject yourself? How do you disrespect yourself? How do you dishonor yourself? Yan Lam? Because I know whatever I draw to me, it's going to be a function of who I am. So when I started looking at how I was emotionally dishonest, how I was um expecting less of myself, how I was betraying myself, how I was disrespecting myself. And when I found those things in me and clean that up, I started having different kinds of relationships, not just with the men that I was intimate with, but also with my friends, with my family. There are some people I had to let go of. There are some things that I had to stop doing because if I didn't want to attract it, I couldn't be it because I'm only gonna draw to me what I am, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, and what I'm doing. Now, that's just what I did. Now you might have some other ideas, Wow, how have you betrayed yourself? How have you let yourself down? How have you dishonored yourself? How have you disrespected yourself? And it don't have to be big things little things. How many times have you said I'm not gonna do something and then you do it? Or how any times have you said I'm going to do something and then you don't do it. That's called betrayal. Yeah, I just yeah, I've done a lot to myself, honestly. Uh it's I believe maybe because I was growing up. It's so weird. It was like I've had the best I wouldn't even say the best of both worlds with everything. But my life is kind of different from a lot of people. And I've been a daddy was daughter before too, And I remember watching especial and you guys discussed it that there were situations where there were daddy's over there, but they weren't there. I had a step dead that was there. But I don't believe he represented a male figure in a positive light. I mean he he did he could financially, but um, I don't know if and it wasn't his job to fulfill that. You know, my my real father was incarcerated because I was two years old. So it was a lot of things that you know now that I reflect back, and I even like my college stays or you know, just growing up in high school, I was battling myself. I felt like Hannah, my fama like, is this me? Or is it? She like? I don't. I don't. I don't know what to present to the world and to to these people. I don't know what to prevent this guy. I don't. I guess you know what I ada. Maybe I didn't know who I was. Maybe that's what it was. I don't know. But can I ask you a questions? Where did you see or learn how to be in a loving, healthy, fulfilling, satisfying relationship. So Um, I did live with my aunt um in high school, and she was I would consider that happily married, but it was really like they they're not married today, but they were very happy and I never seen like the rough rounds of their relationship when they were about to divorce or anything like that. So I would say that was a good example, but it probably wasn't even the best example. Honestly, here's the thing, you lived with your aunt. That means that there was a breakdown in your foundational family. Isn't that accurate? Okay, So that's a problem. The matter of fact that you had to be displaced from your primary relationship, your primary family relationship in order to see another relationship is a problem. Anything may have been better than where you were, you know, so you don't even know how to measure good from not good. If your basic if your foundation was already jacked up. Ye, and I've had that discussion with my mother and she disagrees with me your question. It's just so intriguing. I I don't know if I have it in me to be in a relation and ships. So what do we do now? We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back. I am y' len. This is the our spot. I want to read something to you, okay. It's from a book called Until Today Daily Devotions for Spiritual Growth and Peace of Mind. Until Today the date the book is dated. You know, every day there's a there's a message for you, something to think about, something to consider. I'm reading to you from July and it says I will gain more understanding when I realize exactly where I am. It's exactly where I need to be. So I want to say to you that exactly where you are today at seven, as you say you're getting old, I got underwear older than you. But that's a whole another conversation It says, how many days of the week do you spend wondering why you are not further along than where you are? How many days of the week do you spend wondering why you're not further along? How many days? I would say seven days a week? Okay, all right, here's the next line. If thinking about it where you are makes you angry or frustrated, you are definitely not on the right track, because exactly where you are is where you need to be. Exactly where is that that you think you need to be? Exactly where is it that you think you need to be other than exactly where you are? Having these questions, having these experiences, going through these things, where do you think you should be? And why isn't where you are just fine? I'm trying to figure it out. You can only be where you are. You can only be where you are, and it is up to you to make the best of it. You cannot get to where you are going until you have learned all there is to learn about where you are. There's always powerful, insightful, sometimes shocking things that we need to know about the ourselves. Those lessons are not over there. The things you need to know about you are right where you are. So instead of wondering if you're gonna find love down the road, why not look at what you're learning right where you are. Are you learning to be by yourself? Are you learning to be with yourself? Are you learning the mistakes that you've made in relationships? Are you learning why you go into relationships, how you go into relationships. Are you learning how to be a better mom? Are you learning how to be a better woman? Because as you age or as you mature, you don't want to be next year the same person you are this year. But what are you changing? What are you growing? What are you shifting? And that's the value in the beauty of of being twenty seven. You know you're in your twenties. So there are lessons, and there are blessings, and there are gifts, and there are challenges that you need to clean up at twenty that you don't take in the thirty. Maybe it's not time for you to be in a relationship, that's why you're not in one. So so the question is what are you learning where you are are that will make you better? You see, in the ancient days, the grandmothers, the wise women, would take the young women away and they would teach them things and show them things. We don't do that anymore. That's what you're talking about in terms of your But there are other things that you know, what's your vision? What is your vision? And what is your gift? I have so many of them? Um, I would if I could, um actually walking like the footsteps of you. Honestly, Um, I feel like I've been through a lot. Um I've witnessed a lot uh with my surrounding family and friends, and I just I'm into socialism, like I'm into the psyche. I'm into why. I want to know why people feel how they feel? Why do I feel how I feel? And if I was to do something in life, I would want to heal. That's all I know about, Like what my vision? Are you in school? Are you studying psychology? Are you investigating healing modalities? I mean, you know, see your your twenty seven and if we were going to do your rights of passage? You know, every every age psychle for a woman is a right of passage. So in your twenties there are things it's called the bride era. That's probably why you're thinking about marriage, because in our twenties is when our spirit or heart. A soul is really best suited for marriage because you're looking for a companionship. That's your role and in your twenties is to be a companion. Your blessing in your twenties is just to be open and receptive, not to try to, you know, attach yourself to anything in anyone, but just be receptive. Receptive to spirit, receptive to people, receptive to ideas. That's your energy. That's your role at twenty. Your gift at the age of twenty again, which is probably why it's coming up for you, it is commitment. Learning how to be committed, how to stay committed first to yourself, not to somebody else, but first to yourself. Are you committed to your goal? Are you committed to your vision? Are you committed to your dream? Are you committed to your values? Learning how to be committed? That's your gift at twenty that's when you grow that. So when you say that you're in and out of these relationships with people who betray you or whatever, it's because you're attracting people who don't have commitment. And it's probably because you don't have commitment. You know, what if you started and not finished, what what have you spoken and then not followed up on? What do you want that you've not taken action on? That is commitment. Your lesson at the age of twenty is inner authority not outer inner inner authority? How do I author what it is that I need and want and desire within myself? And then what actions do I take to make those things happen? So, don't want to be like me, want to be like you and do it the way you do it. But have you been trained? Have you gone to school? Have you have you looked at maybe becoming a psychologist or a guidance counselor. And if you don't want to go to traditional school, have you studied, like I said, any healing modalities? Have you studied anything that will help you bring forward? The gift? Your grace at the age of twenty meaning what life in the universe gives you is port your twenty You know people want to support you, Women want to support you. They they want to assist you and grow with you. You know, are you open to support? If you're just looking at your birth family for support, you probably won't find it. So where else can you get support? What organizations? What people, what books, what classes? And what you're learning in your heart at twenty is tenderness, tenderness, how to be tender with yourself, with your son, with people. What you're speaking with your thinking and what you have to heal at twenty is resistance. Resistance, not to be resistant to lessons, not to be resistent to hard times, not to be resistant to good times. So, like I said, you don't, Maybe that's what I need to do. I need to do these rights of passage for women and so that you can be clear about where you are at twenty. You are nowhere. There old. I'm telling you I got underwear older than you. But learn to be where you are. Learn to be where you are, be twenty seven, be single, be a mom, and what can you learn and what are you committed to? And what is important for you and what brings you joy? That's what you've got to do right now. Does that make sense to you? It makes perfect sense. In your twenties, you know what you're what they call the archetype. You're a princess. You're a princess. You're not even a full grown woman, yet you're a princess. And that's how you should treat yourself and how you want to be treated and the princess she she don't run the kingdom. And unfortunately for many of our princesses are twenty year old. You know, daddy's not there, or mommy's not there, or uncle's are not there, and they've seen and gone through things in their teens and twenties that they shouldn't even have to face until lift fifty or sixty. So I want to say to you, don't give up on love, because that would be giving up on yourself. But get clear about how you want to be loved, and then love yourself that way, and then somebody else will show up to share it with you. Um, what is her advice for dating as a mother? What am I to look for in a man who I guess fulfill my son? Am I dating for myself anymore? Yes you are. You're not dating for your son. You're dating no, have nothing to do with him. The first thing you want is a man who has a good relationship with his mother. If he don't have a good relations and ship with his mother, run screaming from the room. You want a man that has a good relationship with his mother, because if he doesn't, he's not gonna know how to treat you. That's number one. You want a man with a vision. What is he What does he see for himself? What does he see for his life? You don't want a man that's hoping, wishing or trying. If he's hoping, wishing or trying, run screaming from the room. Okay, even in Chicago, they're beautiful young man who have a vision, who have a sense of clarity. Yeah. So you want him to have a good relationship with his mom, or if he if he's not with his mom, if he has children, with his children's mom. You want a man who has a good relationship with women. And you find that out before you give up the cookies. You don't give up no cookies, the no man that don't have a good relationship with his mother. Okay, So you want him and you want him to have a vision. And then, and I know this may sound real strange, what is he bringing to the table? As women, we gotta stop letting guys come to our table with their tongue hanging out instead of guys who are coming with a bloaf of bread or a bottle of wine or you know, the plates or something. We keep letting men pull a chair up to our table, and they don't have nothing to offer. What is he offering? You? See, this is the grandma talking right now, this is Auntie talking. And if you gotta be willing to stay by yourself until you find a man that has a good relationship with his mother or the women in his life, until you find a man that has a vision for himself and one who's hoping, trying, waiting. No, you don't want that, and a man who's bringing something to the table so that he is coming to enrich your life, because your presence is going to enriches And until that happens, no nookie for you, No nookie. I hope I haven't said too much. I'm writing everything down and I'm still trying to talk that I'm on the phone with you. It's right now. Well, thank you so much, Thank you so much. Yeah, take care of you. Focus on you right now. Focus on you and be okay with where you are. And give yourself the things that you want somebody else to give you. Give yourself time, give yourself little gifts. Take yourself on a little trip, even if it's a train ride up to Detroit. You know, focus on you and your son. Teach your son what it looks like to be a happy woman so that he don't, you know, attract women who are sad and sorrowful and angry and whatever. Listen, tell me one person that you have in your life that you know loves and respects and honors you. My son, okay, how old is he? Okay? He? No? Not him? Somebody else, somebody with a job. Are you spinking like in friends or like? Can I include parents? Yeah? Friends or parents or whoever? Somebody you know that loves and respects and wants the best for you. I would probably say my mom and my dad. Okay, So ask your mom to buy you a copy of Until Today. It's a book. I want somebody to give that to you. So you ask your bomb and your dad. You don't want it on on. You want the book Until Today. And that book is going to give you something to read and reflect on every single day. All Right, You do that, and you worked. You work through that book and be okay with where you are so that you can get to where you're going. Get clear about your vision and start taking steps toward it. And don't be trying to date nobody who ain't bringing nothing to your table and don't give nobody no nookie. I knew I was gonna get everything I needed from talking to you, So okay, all right, thank you so much, bye bye, goodbye. It just comes a time when we all need to understand and assess why we so desperately want to be in a relationship. Sometimes you need to be by yourself, and sometimes you don't want to be by yourself so badly till you're running into a relationship to get away from you. That's not gonna work. Why do we want to be in relationships? What is it that we're looking for? What is it that we're seeking, What is it that we think we're gonna get that we don't already have, because trust me, if you don't already have it, you're not gonna get it and you're not gonna find it. That is the hardest concept for people to understand that if you don't want to be with you, neither does anybody else. And the minute they find out they don't want to be with you, they're gonna go running for the hills. And then you make it all about them and feeling bad. Why isn't being with you enough? Because I believe that when being with you is enough, someone will come to fill your cup to overflow. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.