The Other Woman

Published Feb 14, 2024, 11:00 AM

This Valentine’s Day, Iyanla wants to dive into a topic not often discussed by talking to callers who are currently cheating, not being cheated on. And two women call in to share their stories of being the “other woman,” as they both try to find love in some unconventional ways. The first is on the road often and meets up with a married man with no expectations. The second caller is considering getting pregnant with a married man without telling her current partner.

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I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the R Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio, Greetings and Grand Rising. Welcome to the R Spot. I am Iyamla, your guide, your support, your facilitate, a soft place to fall and share your experiences and ask your questions about relationships, all things relationships. And we have a special sauce that we are breading around today. That's right. We are talking to the side piece, the other woman. We're talking to folks who may have another woman. We're talking to people who are in relationship and know that their partner has a side piece or another woman. Not because we want to embarrass or shame or guilt anyone, but because we want to understand the thinking that goes into creating a relationship with someone you can't have, creating a relationship with someone who's not giving you their whole self, creating a relationship with someone that may be going nowhere, and creating a relationship with someone who has someone without considering the impact on you and on the other person. Yeah, the side piece. Some people know they are, some people think they are. Some people are okay with being the one getting the crumbs or are they getting the crumbs? Sometimes the partner is the side piece to the side piece. Well, we're going to talk about all of that right here on the R Spot because we want to understand what we can do and what we can do better to make our relationships more loving and fulfilling. I don't want to waste time, so we're going to dig in. Here's my first caller today. Greetings, and welcome to the R Spot. We are serving up a special sauce today, talking about the other one, the side piece. So are you a side piece? Do you have a side piece or are you with someone that has a side piece? What's your story?

Hello? Yes, so you know, I guess I am the side piece. I think that's monology.

Okay, I don't like.

It, but that is what's happening.

Well, you know, the side pieces is just the twenty first century way of saying the lover, the other woman, the other man, or whichever it is. Yeah, so talk to me, what's your story?

So just a little quick background. I travel for work. I work for a hospitality management company that puts me in different cities pretty much every week. And when I started this job, I was single, and I was hoping, like, oh, I'm going to meet my soulmate. I know that he wasn't in the town that I was living that I'm living in currently, so I'm like, he has to be somewhere in the United States. So each city I was always open and holdings. Eventually I landed on the East Coast, and as soon as this man walked into the room, I knew just I was just like, he is a beautiful man with a wonderful smile, wonderful spirit. And I was just like, oh, and we work in the same industry. So that's how we met at work. I don't know how to describe it. I didn't know initially that he was married. He was not wearing his wedding ring initially.

How long have you been together.

It's been two years.

It's been almost two years, So he wasn't wearing a ring initially.

No, No, he wasn't on those first couple of when I would see him. And then eventually we were working and he came out to talk to me, and he crossed his hands and I said, are you married? And he told me that he was, but he didn't seem excited about it, if that makes sense. And my job, it puts me in places sometimes at the time, was putting me in places three weeks at a time. So initially I was thinking, like, well, you know, I'm only going to be here for another week or so, so you know, I was willing to he you know, of course, went into this story about how he was unhappy about this or that or the other. And at the time, I had never been with anyone side piece. I had never or even consider it. But this was a new journey in my life. Right I was traveling. I had never done anything like this before, and I'm like, you know, I'm only going to be here another couple of weeks, so you know, why not, you know, we'll just continue to go out on the town. And then that ended up leading into sex, and then it ended up leading into us continuing to keeping contracts and we have rendezvous and we lead us. We travel together, we talk every day. I don't know how I can describe it is probably my most beautiful relationship in the sense that there's no hiding. There's no lying.

I feel that there's no hiding. Wait a minute, Wait a minute, No, you're not hiding in lying. Is he hiding in line?

Uh? Yes, and no his I have had a conversation with his wife. His wife is aware of the situation. Of course she he of course he. You know, I want to say he's not a good cheater because probably a few months in we did, she found messages in his phone and that's how she was able to reach out to me. And initially I lie for him, and of course, and I because I I kind of felt like it was his place to tell the story, not necessarily mine. So I initially just said, oh, no, we're just we just worked together. It's there's nothing. And then, you know, of course she didn't believe that. And we continue to see each other, and I continued to show up in their lives one way or the other, like she would find well, you know, one he once he came to visit me and she had found a receipt with my name on it, and so she called me and we talked about it, and then you know, so we've had so Yes, he has still lined he's not being one hundred print percent transparent, but she she is aware.

Why did you lie? Why did you deny yourself and your authentic experience when she called you? Why did you do that?

Honestly, I think it was because I I didn't want to hurt her, and I know that sounds crazy. I know, I know you're going to tell me I'm crazy, but I didn't. I knew that if I were to tell her, oh, yes, i've been. Me and your husband have been doing this together and we talk all the time, and I'm in love with him and he's in love with me, and this is what's happening. I just don't know if I just didn't, I don't know. I didn't want to hurt her in that way, and I didn't want to be vindictive. And I knew she was I knew she I've been in her shoes before. I called someone who was texting my man before, you know, and I, uh, I don't. I just didn't. I didn't. I just didn't feel like it was for me to tell. So him and I had the conversation.

When you say, when you say she's aware, does that mean that she still knows that y'all are still together?

She is aware that we still talk, she's aware that we still meet up. I think in her mind, she's not necessarily seeing it as a relationship. I think she I don't think he's not really transparent with her, right. He doesn't tell her, oh, you know the truth, you know. I think he downplays it as if, oh.

Well, you know, beloved, beloved, he's not telling you the tooth theater. He's not telling you the tooth theater. I guarantee you he is not telling you the truth. Because you know what you do, if you do it anywhere, you do it everywhere. And what he's doing with her, he's doing with you. He's not being authentic with you. He's not being transparent with you, just you know, no heat, no judgment. But it sounds to me like you're trying to slip slow around the truth. You don't want to hurt her. How did you feel when your man had another woman? Did it hurt you?

Of course it was devastating.

So why do you think why do you think her knowing that he has another because she's still there? I mean, otherwise she wouldn't be calling you. That's her husband, right, So why why do you think it's not hurting her.

I don't doubt that she's hurt, Like I just didn't want at the time. The question was why I didn't tell her at the time, and I just wasn't ready to face, you know, to be the one to deliver that moves. But I'm aware that, you know, even though I didn't confirm it with her at that time, I'm aware that, you know, just like any other woman with intuition and just seeing the messages that they did see, I'm sure she put two and two together, and I know that it is probably a painful thing for her. And you know, one thing he tells me, She's like, you literally live in my house, right and.

That a compliment. That's a compliment that you live in the house where his wife sleeps in the bed with him, washing his dirty jaws, maybe takes care of its children. That's a compliment.

Well, so I'm not a compliment, but meaning when I say that, I mean when I say that, I mean to say that I know that it's something that bothers her and I know that she doesn't necessarily like it. But when her and I've had the conversation, you know, she she was like, well, you know, he's told me you know about the situation, and I can let you know that I'm not going anywhere. These were her words to me. So she said, I guess we'll just be sharing him then, And are you okay with that?

I you know, are you okay?

I guess I have no choice but to be because I do. I continue to talk to him, I continue to deal with him because he brings, because it's because I want.

To right and he.

He what what experience that him and I share is? I don't know. Well. I mean, I think it's funny. It's I don't know how how else to describe it except for beautiful.

Please don't hear me beating you up. I have no judgment about it. I think it's very I want to say interesting. But I want to take him out of the middle of it for a minute. Let's just put him over in the box, and let's put him in the cheetah box.

What he is.

You're not cheating he is. But I want to bring this thing to the woman to woman. This woman is your sister in a universal set, you know, she, just like you, embodies the feminine energy of life. So with him over there in his box, I want you to be real clear that you are doing to another woman, what another sister, what some sister did to you that hurts you, that dishonored you, that disrespected you, And now you're doing that to somebody else. And yes, you may love him, and yes it may feel good, but I want you to get real clear about what you're doing to another one. I also want you to be clear about who this man is. This is a dishonest man who lacks integrity. And I want you to be real clear that if he'll do it to her, answers are he can do it to you.

That is true.

And you know, when you put that on the table, what does it bring up for you? What does it feel like? What does it bring to mind for you? And I'm not in any way saying you have to end this, but we're gonna look at it.

Why sure, I mean, and I've thought about this. I mean, believe me. You know, when when I'm saying, when I'm talking and it sounds proud like I'm proud of this relationship, it's not that I'm proud of it by any means. Of course. It's a struggle. You know, every single time when I when we leave each other, right, it's like you know, we know we're going back to each other's reality, and I know I'm going back to mind, and I know, like you know, at times when I can only talk for him between this time and this time because he's going to be home, or you know, he's driving in between places and this is the only chance I get to talk to him, I have those moments of feeling like, you know, this is ridiculous, like this isn't I deserve more than this than what he's offering. Do you right?

Do you deserve more? Do you actually believe that you deserve more?

I believe enough.

Do you believe that you can have more? Do you believe that you can have what you have with him with somebody who's in one hundred percent?

Yes, yes, I do believe that, and I believe that it cannot.

So why do you accept less? Why do you accept less?

I think because it's convenient for me in the moment, right, my guys, I stayed earlier. I travel for works, right, So I in my mind, what man is gonna want his woman to be on the road every week? I travel. Monday, I travel. I'm on a plane Monday, I'm on a plane Friday. I have my weekends free. I'm at home on my weekends and being sing. Well, you know, when I try to date, like in my city, you know, it's always an issue. It's always like a concern or like i'll talk to someone, they're jealous. They're asking me like what I'm doing or this or that or the other. So a conventional relationship doesn't work right.

Now, that's what you tell yourself because we're not talking about because you can have exactly what you have with him with a single man, but you have to believe that you can have it with a man who's not going home to another woman, who's not sharing his bed with another woman, who's not lying to two women, who's losing his principles. I mean, what does he value? We'll talk about that when they come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left are. If he values the relationship, If he values the relationship, he would want it to be of integrity, grounded in principle. So those are just things to consider, not with him in the picture, but with you in the picture and the story that you're telling yourself. And for me as a woman, the the biggest thing is, you know, I have no heat of judgment on the triangulation of the relationship, and if he really wants to do it, why doesn't he just come out and tell the truth and have two women? That's called polygamy. But what do you tell yourself about the fact that he hasn't left her?

It was never an expectation, you see, Like I know, and that's I think that's probably what makes the relationship so fluid, and the reason why it's lasts so long is because I never figured. I never thought that he would. He never told me he was going to you know, that was never a thing. It was always you know, his words to me when I asked him why, you know, and he was, just like I, he just didn't want to miss an opportunity to experience me.

He's greedy. He's greedy. He's greedy.

That that part, that part exactly. It definitely be that too. But I think it was only I think he stilled a void for me, which, as I said I was speaking, I was hoping to find this, this this love right, and it didn't come in the pretty package that I expected it to be.

He is occupying a place in your heart that makes it impossible for anybody to get in he's got your heart. But this is what I want you to think about. Do you have children.

I do have one son.

Would you recommend he behaved this way?

No, I wouldn't.

And if you had a daughter, If you had a daughter, would you want her to be the side piece the other woman in a in a in someone's marriage. Is this what you would recommend for her?

That's that's a tough situation, and that's a tough question. But I mean, of course, my first answer there would be no, due to society norms, right, due to what everyone says is what it's supposed to be. But I I.

But how about how about due to what she's doing to another woman? There is a universal law cause and effect, my love, and this thing is coming, It's gonna come back around. Yeah, it's back around. And the power of it is when you were in the other side, on the other side, when the situation was you're the person you were with had somebody else and it hurt you and it devastated you, that was an opportunity for you to create a boundary of value, a template. I would never want another woman to experience this, and I would never be the cause of this for another woman, and I would demonstrate to my daughter never to do this to another woman because it's coming back around. I'm telling you it's coming back around. So let me ask you, what is your what is your vision? Would you want him just for yourself, knowing that he lies, he lacks integrity, he will cheat. Would you want him for yourself? That would be a yeah. See, you're hooking it on the personality. You're hooking it on what it feels like for you. He's filling a void for you, which is first of all, a very poor ground rule for any relationship. If you are missing parts and pieces, the worst thing to do is to stick another human being in that void. And that's what you've done because what you think he's giving you is what you need to give to yourself. Because the minute he's gone, you know, whether he disappears or chooses his wife or slips on the banana peel, the minute he's gone, you've got the volie and now you got the guilt. How long are you going to do this? How long do you think he's going to be around? And what do you choose?

So, yeah, that's that's that's a strong question. But you know, I honestly I think that because I've tried to stop talking to him. I've tried, you know, in moments of like, this isn't right, I can't do this. I need to leave him alone. He's no good for me. You know. I've had those moments, and I've even you know, wrote out paragraphs to him, like telling him, like, you know, it's been great, but I just don't this doesn't serve me, you know, all of this. You know, I've had those conversations that somehow, you know, we still end up communicating, and we still end up getting back on track of this this experience because it's it's not it's good, Like it's hard to leave something that's that's that's that feels good, right, It's really you have to be really strong to be like, you know, I don't want this anymore. And but to answer the question, I don't know how much longer, but I do know that it's not something that I'm going to continue for the rest of my life, at least I don't think so. I hope not, you know, not going.

But see, you've got to stop. You've got to stop putting it on him, take him out, put him over in the cheetahbox. And leave him over there because you're saying I need to leave him alone. This isn't right. But the real question is is this how I want to treat myself?

Rank?

Is this who I am as a person? Is this how I want to show up in the world. Is this what I want to do to another woman? Is this what I would want another woman to do to me? See that puts the responsibility in your lap, not on him. Forget him. Sure it feels good. You know I love of Alfredo with angel hair. I love it. I love that Alfredo, and when I buy it, I can never eat it all. So I put it in the fridge. When I go the next day to heat it up, and I see how that cheese has coagulated and how it's hard and you gotta pull it apart, I say, this is going on in my belly. You know, I love it. It tastes good, but I know that at my age, this is not a good thing for me. So I'm not gonna say I don't eat alfredo. But as opposed to eating it every day, I try to do it maybe once a fiscal quarter. And if there's another choice, I get the other choice. I don't do it. Every day. So take him out of it, belove it, put you squarely in it. Is this how I want to treat myself? Would you let somebody else do this to you?

That's true, you're right, period. And I don't think that he is the one, right, I just I just enjoy him for what he is.

Greedy, greedy. You're greedy, greedy.

It's just so greedy that you know exactly, and it's you know, it's this is very this is very enlightening to me. Actually, I I never even really thought about it from the perspective that you've given me as far as like what it's doing for me or to me, right, Like I thought about her, I thought about him, I thought about their family, I thought about you know, all of that. But I've never really thought about me. So that's so.

Strange, isn't that strange? So you put that special sauce on your plate and scoop it up with some bread, and let's see what you come up with.

Thank you so much, Good.

Luck to you, Okay, my love, bye bye. If you think about a television, right, if you're looking at law and order, if you're looking at law and order on we you don't really know what's going on on Fox or CNN or MSNBC or CBS. You don't know, So you can compartmentalize. You just focus in on law and order. But human beings aren't like that. Whatever's going on on your WEI is going on on your TBS, it's going on on your CNN, It's going on on your ESPN. As a human being, what's going on on one channel is going on on all channels. So if you're denying yourself in this area, there are other places you are denying yourself Because if you've got a void, beloved, he has avoid and if you're using something to fill it, he's using something to fill it. Because you are not a television set, you are a human being. Lots going on here today at the Rspot as we serve up this special sauce with the other woman. Wow, wow, Wow, I've talked to a lot of other women today. I'm going to talk to some more right after this break. Welcome back to the R Spot. Let's get back to the conversation. We are serving up a special sauce today. The side piece the other woman. Now, are you the other woman? Are you with somebody that has the other woman?

I don't even know what to define it. I guess I'm not the other woman. But I have been a friend of someone who is married. We've had such a encounters for years now. But I've been in a relationship for the past eight years.

And.

We scaled it back and everything. He got married, had two kids, and now that I've endured this relationship, we're thinking about having a child together.

Wait a minute, hold on, are you lost me? Yeah? Help me let me draw an Let me get a pencil and a piece of paper. I want to I want to make a little map. Okay, there's you, right, and there's him.

I'm not.

All right you and him? Are you married?

No?

Okay, not married? I'm making the map. Is he married?

Yes?

Yes, he is married. Okay. Do you have children?

I do, but not with neither of them?

Okay, neither. Who's the neither? There's somebody else in this picture?

Yes, I just oh your relationship.

Other man? Okay, the other man. But you just ended that, yes, I think so.

Oh lord, it's very complicated.

Oh yeah, that's why I needed a map. I'm writing it all day out. I can be clear. So let me let me. I have to get another piece of paper. Hold on, a minute, you and I'm going to call him mister maybe, mister maybe, and then mister married married, okay, mister married, all right, so okay.

And mister Mary is one of the best for one now. He he gives me everything that I want in me in a relationship. But he's married, and he's like, he's my best friend. And I asked him because I do want more children, and I asked him if he will be willing to help me with that, and he said.

Yes, Oh my lord, Wait a minute, hold on, mister married, mister married one a child okay, confused, conflicted, and I'm just a little crazy, but you say the little crazy or did that come out of my mouth?

No, I'm not crazy.

I think you're.

Making yourself crazy.

Am I am? I'm very right now, wow, because of the ended the thing we got into an argument and the things that were said just way too far gone.

And you and you and mister maybe or mister.

Married, yeah, mister maybe.

Mister maybe. How long were you with mister.

Maybe eight years?

Eight years? And how long you been with mister married.

Around the same time we all met, around the same time, So.

You were cheating with mister married when you were with mister Maybe.

No, he we once I got into my we were all friends, and once I got into a relationship with Maybe, we no longer had any type of sexual relationship with the married man. He didn't get married till maybe like a year or two ago, okay, And so I didn't have no type of sexual relationship with him. We just have always been friends and always remained you know, the best of friends, and he just he's just there for me in the capacity that mister Maybe has never been.

So can I ask you a question, if mister Maybe may not be gone, why do you want to have a child with mister married. Why can't you have the child with mister Maybe.

Because mister Maybe keeps dragging his feat No, I am not had I mean like it's the time, Like I don't have that much time left. He says he wants to, but he still hasn't made you know, made it happen. And he just keeps saying, oh, God impregnated me. So he keeps saying that's God's timing.

But I'm like, I don't.

Want to be fifty having a kid. Will be forty one six months, and he's dragging his feet. And now he's talking about he wants to in this relationship. So if he wants to completely end it, then I would like to have my bundle of joy blessing with mister Mary.

Let's just nibble on it for a little while. Okay, what do you think will happen to mister Maybe when he finds out you've been impregnated by mister married his friend. What do you think is going to happen?

Then people be completely serious. But he needs I don't know, I've never given him an alternatum.

But the last thing that you need right now in this level of confusion and conflict and hurt, because if you get pregnant today or tomorrow, next Tuesday, that baby is going to marinate in confusion, conflict, and hurt.

That is very true.

I want to go back to the original question because the confusion and the conflict and the hurt that you are experiencing has nothing to do with either one of them, really, it doesn't. It's about you and what you're telling yourself and what you're creating within yourself. So my concern not only having a baby with a married man. Are you looking for a sperm donor or do you because do you expect mister married to be a part of this child's life. Are you all trying to be a happy family or is it that you just want a baby because you can get a sperm donor right?

No, the terms where he did not have to be a part of the child's life at all, and he said even one two. But I was like, it's not it's not a it's not a factor. Like I said, I do just want the child.

Well, why why are you making a choice for a child to grow up without a father?

I haven't thought about that.

What if? What if the universe of life? What if God's source creator is saying, I'm not sending you a child into this mess?

What if I believe that I truly believe.

I haven't got impregnant.

So why are you insisting? I don't know, we done gone on off to the child I don't even know about Maybe and miss and married we are another realm right now? So what are you gonna do with mister Maybe? What you're gonna do with mister Maybe?

I'm not sure that he hurts you by the things said to me, And that's.

Just such as now, such as the low because that may be the key to why you haven't had the child. Let's let's let's pick that apart. Let's stir that up in the soup.

I mean we've had arguments, we've said things. You know, most of the time, it's always he calls me a victim, a lie. He said that I'm always being a victim. He says hurtful things, and then he'll come back and he said, no, I love you. And this time he actually told me, he said I can't. He told me he cann't have to me because he's not attracted to me. And it hurt me to my core.

Why did that hurt you to your core?

It kind of is like, well that why, you know, we haven't been intimate, and I don't know. He says that he sees other women and gets aroused by them, but by me. He he hasn't. But I don't know. I think he just said that to got it hurt me as bad as he could.

I don't know.

Well, let's can we pick it. Can we nibble on that for a little bit? Why is that hurtful? Why is that hurtful? As opposed to valuable information? You've been with a man for eight years? Do y'all live together? Did you live together.

No, No, we're in a long distance relationship.

Okay, So you've been with a man for eight years and he's not intimate with you, and he's telling you why he's not intimate with you, even if he loves you. I mean, that happens, That does happen?

He said, he does.

Look Okay, he loves you, but he's not giving you everything that you want in a relationship.

No, he's not.

He's not attracted to you. That's valuable information. Why are you hurt by that?

I think he's bipolar, Like he says, one thing, you're making.

This about him. You're making this about him. I want you to keep it on you. You are with a man who's not attracted to you, and he's a long distance man. It's called so long sammy, so long period.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I'm ending this like I've told him it's over, but it's always he pulls me back in and then we're starting.

Over, pulls you back in. How it's a long distance relationship and y'all are not intimate. What is he pulling you back into? Does he send you money? Is he paying your rent? What is he pulling you into?

Exactly?

I don't even know. I think I've just wasted the last eight years of my life.

Well, all right, we long distance anyway, How often do you see him?

We try to see each other like once a month, for like a week or two at a time.

Okay, So you really don't know what he's doing over in the distance he's in because if he's not attracted to you, he may be attracted to somebody else. But that's a whole nother story. Yes, beloved it I yeah, your mister married is a cheater period. I don't care if you got an open marriage. Is that what you want for yourself? Is that what you want? He can be your friend, y'all can talk. You know, if you want to be friends with benefits, that's your choice. But bringing a child into that, I would really encourage you and invite you. And I'd also really encourage you and invite you to consider that you haven't gotten pregnant in all of this time, and this may not be the best time. And really, if you were a little sperm and an egg floating around in somebody's body, would you want your mother to say I want you and you don't have to have a father. Is that what you would want somebody to say for you, no, tell me something you're going to think about now as a result of this conversation, because I mean, you're going to do whatever you want want to do, but tell me something you're gonna think about, and maybe consider going.

Forward considering myself and try to focus on myself. I think that's what I really need right now.

I would encourage you to really investigate the confusion and the conflict and instead of thinking that you spent eight years, you wasted eight years with mister maybe, I would encourage you to get clear about what you want and maybe have a relationship with somebody that lives within driving distance as opposed to long distance.

I'm gonna stay away from him, well.

I hope so. And I hope as you stay away from him that you consider just being friends with mister married.

Yeah.

I think I am.

All right, my darling. Thank you for calling. I wish you the best. I wish you the best.

You appreciate your time.

Okay, Bye, bye life. What a tangle web we weed when we are confused, and the web gets even more tangled when we are in conflict, and the conflict is warning something we can't have or settling for something that's less than we want. In relationships, whether it's a cheating relationship, or you're cheating, you're being cheated on, you're the object being cheated with. In any kind of relationship, those three things are going on. We are settling for less than we want. We don't believe we can have what we want, and we're accepting what shows up because either we think we don't deserve it or we're not worthy. It's a tango tangled web. I hope that you know something now that you didn't know. When you're tuned in, and until we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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