With so much disaster and heartbreak going on in the world, Iyanla welcomes a woman to share the story of how recent events have taken a toll on her mental health. As Iyanla explores the idea that the world around you reflects people’s internal struggles, the caller learns to let go of things she cannot control.
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Iami, Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome to the art Spot, the place we come to discuss all things relationship and all relationships. I am Miamla, your host, your guide, your facilitator, your support system as you take a deeper look into the relationships in your life. And boy, do we have a top today. Earlier this week, one of my former students wrote me a very interesting email, and in that email, he asked me, Mama, ear how should I be with pain? How should I be with pain? You know, with everything that's going on in the world today, a lot of people are in pain. Some because they're impacted directly, some because of the way they think about what's going on, Some because they feel the energy of what's going on, Some because they feel hopeless, some feel helpless. But a lot of people are in pain. One of the things that I said to my students was, what is your relationship with disaster. What is your relationship with disaster? Even if it's not your disaster. Do not rush in to fix it or to run away from the sadness of the moment, trying to escape the moment and bypass the gift that the pain is offering you. When you're in pain pain, pay attention inward. Now. The first thing to do is go in and identify what that pain is. Is it a pain of fear? Is it a pain of sadness? Is it a pain because of what you're thinking, what you're feeling? What is the pain? When pain is present, it really is a source of deep knowing. What do you know? What do you know? Not what do you think? But what do you know about what you're experiencing? You see, when we're in pain about what's going on in the world, it's because we know that we are connected to each other, to everyone, to everything. But are we acting like that? Are you acting like you're connected to the person you're cussing out on the freeway because they cut you off, You're connected to that they cut you off. You don't know if they're rushing to pick up a sick child or if they're on their way to the doctor. Or if they're just mindlessly driving, bless them, don't cuss them. No, you're connected to that person and the cuss you send out to them today is going to come back to you tomorrow. Pain is a source of deep knowing. Pain offers us critical information about something within us that may needs to be balanced, that may needs to be brought into alignment, something that we need to be accountable for, but also something that we are responsible for. Pay attention inward now. Sometimes pain is teelling us that we need to do something different. There are so many people upset about the political landscape who are saying that they're not going to vote. Really, you're upset about what's going on and you're not going to participate in it. And I heard I think his name was Big Mike. He said something very interesting. He said, don't vote personality, vote policy, and vote the policies that serve you the best. So when you're looking out on the political landscape, don't look at personality, don't look at age, don't look at race. What is this person saying and how is what they're saying gonna serve me? And the minute they start talking about againstness, then you need to look inside and say, okay, who and what am I against? And why is this againstness lining up with me? Pay attention inward. Now, yes, there is a lot going on in the world, But I lean into a course in miracles, and I say, I don't know what anything is for. I don't know what anything is for, and I give meaning to everything that I see. So if what I see is causing me disturbance, distress, upset, frustration, concern, all the words my guests used today, if what I see is giving me causing me to have those experiences, then let me look at the meaning that I'm given this stuff, let me look at the judgments I have about it, and then forgive myself so that I can be accountable for my own thoughts and feelings and become responsible for how I respond to them. I think our relationship with the world gives us a powerful, powerful starting point for building a better and deeper relationship with what we think, why we think it, how we think it, what we feel, and how we process those feelings. And if you're really having a hard time, make a god job, turn it over, give it to something higher and greater than you. Get a map of the world, get a globe I have a globe, and sometimes in my prayer I'll just rub my hands all over that globe and let those prayers fall where they need to fall. It's not my business where they go, but I'm sending it out to the world. Get a map of the United States, put your finger on a particular state or county or area and pray light there, Send love there, send compassion there. May Ohio no peace, May everyone in Ohio have what they need. And don't listen to the news or social media that says this happened, that happen. And just know that your prayers, your good thoughts, are like a pebble in the ocean of humanity, and it will ripple out and it will have an impact. I think I have another caller. Let's see where they are in their relationship. Do what you can where you are, without expectation of reward or recognition. Don't toot your own horn, don't pray on the corner for other people to hear you and see you. Pray silently and send the light out. Greetings and welcome to the art Spot. We're talking today about our relationship with the world, our relationship in the world, and how it impacts our relationship with ourselves. So, as the beloved Wendy Williams would say, how you doing in the world.
I'm coping and and trying to stay hopeful and doing my best.
Okay, tell more coping. What does that mean?
I think in life to thrive, you have to be hopeful. You have to be you know, in a place where you feel like will kind of prevail. In the past couple of years have just been very challenging from everything with presidential elections and COVID and just seeing social injustice be so rampant. I think it's taking its toll on my nervouses. I know it's taking its toll on my nervous system. And you know, I'm a person who does the work, you know. I meditate, I pray, I encourage other people. I try to believe and be optimistic. But it's been challenging. I just think with the current state of affairs and seeing things play out the way they've played out, it's taken in such a toll on my nervous system. I am an African American woman, so it's been very challenging, I must say, and not just from on all planes, so not just you know, with where we are with the inflation and things costing more and making things more challenging on the home front to just kind of, you know, be in a place I'm making ends meet or feeling like you did good for yourself, and then seeing that it's not worth what it once was worth, and then dealing with the fact of safety, and dealing with the fact of you know, corporate greed and all of these things. It has really taken its toll. And even when I'm telling myself that hey, right now, in and now in the present, you're good, your needs are met, you have what you need, my nervous system is still rilling from the effects of all of the trauma.
Wow, that's interesting. Where are you with inflation? Because I I really didn't know there was no inflation. I really didn't. I go to the store with my list, and I try very hard to stay till on my list. If I get off my list, I've never had to put anything back, so I'm good. I didn't know there was inflation until they told me.
Yes. It's very especially for the quote unquote yet, but it used to be the middle class. It's very challenging our middle class.
Don't don't get a twisted baby, I am middle class.
I've been a relatory for twenty years. Housing prices at an all time high. We basically had four hundred years of inflation in four years. You know in my area where you used to could buy a beautiful home for a bedroom, too, too bath home for your family that used to run one sixty eight two hundred thousand. Those are now six hundred thousand. But the salaries have gone up. Even rent rates are now. You know where you used to corn a three room apartment for twelve hundred dollars, That apartment is now twenty eight hundred dollars in four years time.
When I was little, my mom would send me to the store with a dollar. With a dollar, I could get bread, milk, and fifty cent worth of bologne, and sometimes have three or four cents left over to buy some bazooka bubblegum. Things have really changed, having.
It it really changed.
Do you remember when you could get can you you could get three pounds of chicken wings for five Oh no, it's five pounds of chicken wings for three dollars? Do you remember that?
That might have been before my time?
On what you try to say, I'm old. Prices are rising, But I bet you what, do you have an iPhone or an Android?
I have a very very old iPhone. I'm not one of those people that try to keep it. As a matter of fact, I'm still in the single digits with my iPhone, So I'm not one of those people that try to keep up with transit.
No, maybe not to keep up with it, but I'm going to. I just want to offer people are screaming about the price of eggs that they're looking at on their thousand dollars iPhone. Yes, things have increased, but we have different means of transportation, the supply chain where we're getting it from, manufacturing costs, all of those things have changed. They've changed, They've changed with the times, and that's just what happens.
They should have changed to go down, though, Ayana. I mean with all of the technology and all of the improvements, you know, you can now you don't have to have as much movement in it because they have things like three D printing and such. There's no reason for inflation to be at this all time high. That and it's really taking its toll on people's mental it's really taking its toll on people's physical and you know, and it's a lot to process, and so you really don't know. People want to be aware, and they want to be in and now, and they want to be a part of the process, but they're also have to protect their own peace and their own you know, mental and physical well being, and so it's hard to know when you should be clocked in and when and when you have to clock out, and when you have to clock out, how long can you be clocked out because you still have to be a part of this machine, and the bills still have to get paid, and you still have to show up for work, and the cycle still has to continue on. So being in the world right now is an odd place to be. And you know, with all of the decades that I've seen, I've just never seen a time where it was just taking such a toll on people's mental and physical well being. You know, when a couple of years back in the nineties, in the early two thousands, you didn't hear a lot of the terminology that you hear now around you know, people really being mentally broken, you know, about their emotional well being and all of this. And not to say that they didn't have their own struggles then, but this is just it's been a lot to mentally process covid alone. Covid alone did a number on people, you know, the isolation, the uncertainty, the not knowing if you're ever going to be in the presence of people that you love again, the loved one's lost. Covid alone did a whole mental number on people. And then coming out of that and things just jumping right back in into warp speed because of those two years that were lost, the supply chain that's messed up, and now, like I said, with the inflation toppled, with the social injustice you know, I mean, no one ever thought in your lifetime that you would see what happened on Capitol to Hell, you know, and things of that nature in our country, Like no one thought, hey, you know, our own democracy would see an attack on this land. And so it's a lot to process emotionally, and that emotional trauma will take its toll on your nervous system. And your nervous.
System is nervous system, not mine, not my nervous system.
My question for you when your nervous system where you're a fight a flight, it is saying danger, danger, danger, you know, and you're trying to talk yourself off that ledge and saying, hey, it's not that bad. It doesn't have to be in that space. Because of this state of all these things and how people are processing these things, whether people are paying attention to it, we're paying too much attention to it. And another thing I want to hold in on that, I think why a lot of people are struggling so much is because they're so tuned into social media. And social media can be very polarizing with painting the very one sided picture of you know, the state of affairs. But most people aren't really so reliant on television or newscasting as much as they are about getting that delivered to them via social media. And we do know that those algorithms and everything are programmed to overstimulate and so in that even though you know, like you can say, hey, in my personal space, within myself, everything is okay, calm down, but d're in your fight a flight of saying no, it's not okay, it's not okay. How do you deal with that battle?
How do I deal with it? Or how should you deal with it? Because I don't have that battle.
How should I do then? Or people who do have that battle? How should they deal with it. People's emotional and mental states and will being all functioned on a different accord. So people process trauma differently.
We're all traumatized. We are all traumatized. We're all traumatized. You got your trauma, I got my trauma. We are all traumatized. I am a trauma specialist. Trust me in both experiencing it and working through it. First of all, thank you for sharing, because I think that you have demonstrated a very common problem, a very common issue that many people care front. We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left. Are you speak externally? You speak about how do you? And most people and people and that has nothing to do with you, You nosy, You all up in other people's business. How about you? How do you experience it? Because I heard you say you pray, you meditate, and what do you get out of that? Because see when I go in and I pray and I meditate, you know what I hear, I got you. That's what I hear. I got you. And so when somebody comes to me like you do, saying and what do you tell most people? I say, no, that God's got you, and it don't matter what's going on, You're gonna have what you need and what you can do to support others. If that's a concern to you, pray for constantly, send prayers out, send light out. You be as joyful and peaceful as you can. You call in what you need, you know for yourself, so that you can be a demonstration to others of what's possible. We're looking at the world and all of the wahala and the against us and the upset and upheaval, and we're saying, we're judging it. We're saying it should not be, but it is. So what do you think, in the highest realm could possibly be the reason, could be the purpose of everything that's going on in the world. What could it possibly be? Have you ever thought about that?
I have I tried to, you know, identify and be okay with circumstances and and things that are out of my control. I have no control over those things, so they're out of my hands generally, and that and on a very personal level, you know, when I am praying, I'm only me. I only know my space, I only know my emotions and my feelings regarding you. Know that circumstance. But when I do pray, I do hear that God's got me and it has carried me. And not only that, you know, just from personal experiences of me, not fully understanding you know, everything that's moving or on around me, but you know, seeing when when when all the parts and the pieces come together, and see that final outcome, seeing that, okay, all was good, this is why things were moving around, or this is why things have happened, or the calm after the storm, you know, when the winds are blowing and you know, and it's storm and it's scary and it's uncertain, but that that first sunshine that breaks, everything is clean, everything is beautiful, you know, So it comes full circle. So I do understand the balance of that.
Have you asked in your prayer and meditation what is the purpose of going everything that's going on? Have you asked that question in your prayer in your meditation? Do you think that Do you think that God is with the people in Ukraine?
I think I think God is with all things. You know, in my belief system, I believe that God is in the midst of all things. You know, God is all.
If God is in the midst of Ukraine. Do you think God was on the capitol on January sixth, because.
I think there were some things that needed to be exposed.
Uhhah. And do you think God is in Israel, Gaza, Palestine with the Palestinian people right now?
Yeah, it's in all places.
I remember I was in New York when the Twin Towers fell, when they were attacked and they fell, and I remember just weeping, weeping, weeping, weeping when I saw that second plane hit. And immediately after I finished weeping, I started praying for those who were in the tower, those who were who were affected by it, the family members, because that's what I could do, That's what I could do. And I don't need to know the result of it. I don't need to know, but I know my prayer was like a pebble in the pond and it rippled out and it had an impact to those closest to me, to those in the next rain and the next ring and the next ring and the next ring. Okay, so then what's going on in your nervous system if you're looking at these things and you say you know that God, source, Creator, higher mind, infinite intelligence, whatever you want to call it is in all of this, why is a nervous system destroy upset or imbalance.
I think that trauma can start self in your body. I think you know, a lot of times we pay a lot of attention to our spirit selves. We pay a lot of attention to our mental, but we don't really pay as much attention to the physical. And I think the trauma does store itself in your body. And I think we have to focus on the tryheart figures that in contents are being and where I have done well with two, maybe lacked in the third or you know, physically big going to work out those type of things you know on it, but the component of you know, fully engaging and understanding that I have to take the time to work on relaxing and healing my nervous system as well.
I think it's in your sense I hear I don't even think I hear it in your speaking, because I started counting, I'm up to nine times you've said I think, I think, I think, I think, and thought is energy and energy can never be destroyed. It can be transformed, but it can't be destroyed. So for you, for all folk who are experiencing the impact of what we could call trauma or whatever we want to call it. It's lodged in our thoughts. See, because if I know that God is in the midst of us, if I know all things are working out for the good, if I know God's source, Creator is sovereign and present and in everything. While I may not understand what I'm seeing healing experiencing, I know that something greater and grander is going on. And I'm going to stick with what I know as opposed to what I think, because the judgment could be I don't know this to be true, that this is wrong, this isn't right, This shouldn't be going on. You said it. Things shouldn't be as high as they are now, but they are. So I have to know God is in that. God is in these high prices. God is in the rising hole housing prices. God is in corporate greed. Now, what the purpose of it is I may not recognize, but I know God has a plan. I know that, so I don't have to think about it. Do I like what I see? I wouldn't prefer it. It's very unpreferred, But I'm not going to condemn it either, because there's something greater than me going on and all I can ask for. God, give me understanding, give me discernments, give me discernment, Tell me what it is I must do, how I can do, how I can be of greater service, And let me take the emphasis off. Because your central nervous system is governed by your will. Your will is lodged in your solar plexus, in the center of your being. So when our will is either the suppressed depressed, when our will is not being mad, then we have to unite our will with divine will. Does that make sense to you, just ma'am? Okay, So how can you get in greater alignment with divine will? We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You said you're a realtor. Have you affirmed that. I know these are difficult, challenging These may look like difficult and challenging times, but every single one of my clients is going to find the perfect home and the perfect financing for that home. Thank you God, just ma'am. As opposed to going into a potential sale with oh my god, I know this price is high. Ten years ago they could have got this house. No No, this is my client. My client is surrounded by goodness and they're going to find the home. They're going to get the financing because that's God's will.
Yes, ma'am. And you know, and I am very optimistic with my clients, you know. I feel like, you know, it's one of those things where it will, it will resolve itself. It's not the first time we've faced, you know, inflation. It's not the first time we've heard rumors or even experience, you know, what people would call a recession. And you know, and the years I've been on this planet, things are work themselves out. And so yeah, that's really what keeps me going is that you know, we're resilient people, you know, and that it's a resilient planet and things will work itself out.
I want you to get more into your being because you're talking about your central nervous system and your well being, and you continue to externalize we are resilient people. We are, you know, we we we How about I am a resilient being. I am you know, grounded and centered in truth and light because if you get it cleared up in you, you can be such a powerful demonstration for others. But you keep externalizing talking in the third person as opposed to the first person. Are you aware of that.
As you point it out? And I find and I gather strength, and you know, and seeing helping other people to win, and seeing other people you know do good and celebrating other people. So I do I do too, I do too.
But you know what, here's my principle. My cup runneth over. But what's in the cup is mind. I've got to keep my cup full. So my cup has to be full in order for me to be able to clearly serve and support and be a benefit to other people. And if my central nervous system is shot the hell because of trauma and upset, I'm my cupping full. Keep your cup full? Start with you. How do we clean up your central nervous system? What is going on that? How can you shift your perspective? What judgments do you need to release? What is How do you get deeper into your knowing and lessen your thinking? How can we do that? I serve other people all day long. I was up at six thirty this morning serving people after I went to bed at three twenty. How can you do that?
I guess you know I have to continue to just do the work and give myself the space to focus on myself.
Yeah, you don't sound too happy about that. Could you say that with a little more joy?
Isolation is not a strong suit for me, you know, I think, Yeah, isolation.
Is not like isolation? Where where are you hearing isolation? Where are you hearing that in my communication? Is that what you're hearing I'm asking you to do.
When I'm focusing on myself, I generally do tend to isolate.
That's interesting, So you mean tell me what that looks like when you're focusing on yourself and you're isolating. Tell me how that works.
Well, when I'm focusing on myself, like I really go in work and so you know, it's like if I feel like, you know, I want to process the feelings. I want to know that these are my feelings that they're you know, not. I don't like a lot of outside chatter or or noise. So yeah, I generally do tend to just get still and you know, get to myself and isolate. But how long set out a lot of outside sometimes for short periods of time, sometimes for long periods of time. It just kind of all depends on you. Know, once I feel whatever turmoil or conflict that's been resolved, then you know, I feel like, okay, now I can go back and present myself. But it's been long periods of time. Sometimes sometimes it's it may just be for a couple of hours. It may just be for a day. Sometimes it might be for weeks. Sometimes it might be for months. But yeah, I generally tend to isolate.
Do you have a god jar? Do you know what a god jar is? I do not? Or god box? Do you know what that is? Okay, I used to have a god jar. I got an old man aged jar and I cleaned it out and I decorated mine. Because I'm a vergo, I gotta do some glitter. I gotta do it. I have to do some bling on everything. Okay. So I got this old man aged jar and I blined it out. I mean, I put a little skirt on it with a rubber band and put some glitter on it, and I put a name on it, Godja. Every time, any time anything would come up to disturb or disrupt my piece, I would write it down on a piece of paper and put it in the god jar. And if it came up again, literally on the spot, I would say, oh, that's in the godjar. It's not my job, that's a god job. And I had to literally walk around with a little pad of paper and I'd write stuff down and fold it up. When I got back home, I'd put it in the god jar. I still have it. I still have my godjab. That might be something you want to work with. And if you don't want to do it at the physical level, do it in your mind. Create a box of light or a holy what ever in your mind. And when things are disturbing you, distressing you, upsetting it, put it in the god jar. And the intention of the god jar is to take it off your plate and put it in God's hands. I don't care inflation, political corruption, which you said, social injustice. Put it in the god jar. And those are things that you can also include in your prayer. You can lift them up. So that's one thing that you can do so that you're doing your work, taking care of yourself, inviting God into the process, and taking some things off your mind. Because like I said, you say I think a lot as opposed to I know. Does that make sense to you? Yes, you might want yeah it does, Okay, Well make you a godjar.
I would definitely do that.
Okay, all right, my love.
I could sit here and listen to you all day, but I have to return to work. Thank you so much. Put it in the God jar now you supposed it.
Okay, Bye bye. I wonder how many of us out there need a God jar where we can put our concerns, our worries, our troubles, our judgments are against this about what we see in the world. We can put it in the God jar and understand it's a God job and there's nothing we need to do about it. I know that may sound silly, but sometimes to have a physical representation of it helps us to process through it. I can now do it in my mind. I have a purse in my brain. This is the Holy Spirit purse, and I'm putting this in the Holy Spirits purse. I'm filling your purse up, Holy Spirit. I'm hearing this thing, you know for me right now. It's about Haiti. Every day I've got some you know, traumatic thought about Haiti, and every day I put it in the Holy Spirits purse. Feed the babies, calm the streets down, make sure the pregnant women have food. Today, Holy spirit and I put that in the in the holy spirits person, I don't think about it, but for years I had a god jar where I would write stuff down on my little sticky notes and put it in the god jar. Yes, there is a lot going on in the world and it does impact us, and we owe it to ourselves. You owe it to yourself. I owe it to myself to take care of me first, because some of what's going on with people, it's none of my business. My business is to be as strong and it's centered, as grounded as I possibly can be, moment by moment, so that if some one shows up in my life that needs help, support, encouragement, that I can be a great Bible for them to read in the moment. And some of us don't even have the problems and the concerns, but we're worrying about it for other people, not knowing that all things are working out toward good. I don't understand what good is going to come out of Ukraine and Russia or Israel and Gaza. I don't understand who's in the Hamas and do they have mothers and did their mother teach a manners? You know, I don't understand that. But I can put that in the Holy Spirit's purse and ask for understanding, Ask how I should be with it. Ask here's my prayer about it. And it's because everybody thinks, as a lowly human being that they have control, that they're in charge, and that the way they see it and the way they want it is the way it is. So if ten people do it, it's one thing. If twenty people do it, it's another thing. But when thousands of people are each holding the same idea, if things are the way I see them, things have to be the way I want them. Things have to be done the way I think they should be done. Well, now we've got the world that we're in, you know, I think what's going on in the world can give us the invitation and the opportunity to be more conscious and purposeful and selective about what we take on, how we take it on, and what we do with it. Yeah. So I hope you've heard something today that you can use in your own life and that you will put it to practice. Because we're in this world together. The beloved philosopher Algiau told us that we're in the this world together. He said, in this love, we're in this love together in a time that will last forever. Know that I love you today and I really invite you to stay in peace and not pieces. I'll see you next time. Bye, favor. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.