Stop Attracting Partners Like Your Parents

Published May 3, 2023, 10:00 AM

This week’s callers might seem very different on the surface: The first experienced abuse as a child and keeps finding herself in abusive relationships, while the second caller had a happy home life, but feels that she’s not being loved the way she needs to. But, as Iyanla gets deep into the conversations with both callers, she realizes that they’re both dealing with a similar issue: The struggle of repeating the patterns and attracting partners who were like their parents. Can Iyanla help these women adjust their frequencies?

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I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the fact that I was not always good at making my relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person. In other words, I have seen a lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I am here to share with you what I learned along the way because I did take copious notes. Welcome to the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. One of the most difficult and challenging things that we all face in life is unlearning what we learned as children, whether it relates to how we eat, what we expect, what we accept, unlearning what we learned as children, and until we can take a hard look at that, until we're willing to say or recognize this is not good for me. I know I've done it all my life. I know my mother did it, my grandmother did it, my grandfather, every the dog, the birds, the fish, everybody did it. But until we're willing to look at how we do, what we do and the payoff we get for it, it's going to be challenging to unlearn the things that we learned as children. I frequently tell this story about me and the brulosoapads, and it sounds so ridiculous, but it makes a point. My mom, you use sospads. They were blue and circle, and they were high class soapads. And one day I went shopping my children were young, I had a very limited budget, and they had brillow soappads on sale, and I could not bring myself to buy the brillow soapads, which were twenty five thirty cent less than the sos. I was in the supermarket weeping because I didn't want to be disloyal to the pattern that I had learned of cleaning my pots with a round blue soapad instead of a square pink soapad. Now I know that sounds ridiculous, but it was a pattern I was familiar. It made me feel safe, It was loyal to the family. Traits and requirements all of us have them, and one of the most challenging and difficult ones to overcome is when as children we learn how to be loyal to people who treat us badly, whether they beat us or violate us, or starve us or ignore us. We become accustomed to that treatment, and it's what we look for expect, and more importantly, is what we attract when we become adults on learning what we learned as children. It's a difficult task, but it can be done. My first guess is at that door, on that step, take a listen. Good morning, beloved, Welcome to the R spot. And what is your relationship challenge or issue that we are going to dig into today.

I recently left from an abusive relationship, and right now I'm finding myself figuring out who I am from here and why I continue to make excuses for people who don't treat me right.

So you say you left an abusive relationship. Are we talking physical abuse, mental abuse, all of it?

All of it?

Okay? And how long were you in that relationship?

For about three years?

Three years? Well, how are you doing?

To be honest, I still find myself making excuses for that individual because I too was abusive to him on two occasions. But I don't think that that calls for how much abuse I endured throughout the relationship. And I just feel that I am making excuses for both my own actions as well as theirs.

Did you grow up around abuse?

I did, yes?

And what can you tell me about that?

So? When I was seven years old. I can recall my first time being sexually abused, and then from there I experienced abusive behaviors from both my mom as well as how she treated my father and as well as how she spoke to me and dealt with me. So there was a lot of acceptance there when I was young that I had to learn or accept early on.

Abuse is familiar to you, physical, mental, and also sexual. It's familiar, yes, And what happens when we have early experiences of whatever you know, it could be hunger, it could be abuse, it could be abandonment. What happens is that then becomes the template for for which we bond with people.

You know.

It's like you're a radio, right sending out frequencies into the universe, and people will tune into your frequency, and so you'll draw in people that match your frequency. So if you have a frequency of love is abusive, abuse is familiar, or being treated like this is a pattern, you'll just attract people who are on that frequency. So your work, my Beloved, has to be about clearing out and leveling up or raising up that frequency. Have you ever gotten any therapy counseling around the experience of abuse that you've had. No, Okay, well that's step number one. You've got to Yeah, therapy, counseling, because that's where you're vibrating, and it's familiar. It's a pattern that you'll use to bond with people. But the bigger, the bigger issue that you can deal with or need to deal with, is remaining loyal to people who treat you badly.

When you say remaining loyal to people who treat me badly, is that because I've become familiar and okay with the bad treatment?

Yeah? You know as a child, I heard you say you were sexually abused at seven. Seven is such a critical age when we're learning our identity and autonomy. Autonomy meaning functioning on your own and making choices and making decisions, and your identity. You know, who am I and what's important to me? So, if you were sexually abused at seven, was it repetitive? Did you tell anybody? Did you have to hold its secret?

So? I I didn't tell anyone. My cousin actually did, so I held it a secret for about a year. It was repetitive, and when it did come out to my family, of course everyone was upset initially, but eventually it was swept under the rug. I constantly had to see that individual at family functions, events, and no one truly addressed it or provided therapy or even a conversation you know, on the topic.

Yeah, so what happens to me doesn't matter. That's a decision that can be made when something unpleasant or painful, hurtful is happening to you and it gets swept under the rug. As a child, the decision or the choice that you make is what happens to me doesn't matter. And as you said, you had to see this person that family functions and and and act like nothing was going on. So now you bring into it a level of emotional dishonesty, because I can imagine you were afraid or I mean, you can tell me how did you feel when you saw this person?

Honestly nothing, because I've endured so much at a young newstead nothing I feel nothing. Usually when I am being abused, treated badly, I feel nothing. I brush it off as it is. If it meant nothing is that it wasn't even a big deal.

And the the a way to think about that, and particularly for us as children, when bad things are going on, we leave home, meaning we leave the body, we go someplace in our mind or just to be able to endure it. Because it's children, you can't go anywhere. You have to stay that some kids are you know they will run away. But in your mind, you know you have to leave home, meaning you have to leave your physical place. So not only do you leave home in your mind you learn how to accommodate and accept. But the big thing is you don't own your body. Your body isn't yours. Does that make sense to you?

Yes? Yeah, what do I say you?

We'll talk about that right after the spring. Welcome back to the R spot, beloved. You've got to get some help for this, you know. And I want to acknowledge your courage for just being able to talk about it, because you'd be surprised how many people are right where you are and don't even have the language or the courage to talk about it. So good for you. And what that tells me is you're really ready to heal. But this is not something you can take a pill for. This is not something you can wish away. You need support to unravel the tentacles of this. If you've got abuse by mom, if you were a witness to abuse if you were violated. That seven year old in there is running your life. She's making choices and decisions, and she's sending out a radio signal that's going to keep attracting in what she's familiar with. It's a pattern, and I dare I say it's at this point a habit, an unconscious habit, but a habit based on the frequency on your radio station.

Wow. Yeah, So all of those things that I'll need to revisit and work on. But if right now, I'm still continuously answering the phone for that individual because I have not yet, it hasn't clicked in my mind that this is unhealthy, that this is abuse, this is actually abuse, this is toxic. So I'm still answering the phone for this individual.

Until today, until today, because now you know and you are empowered to make another choice. It's like if you've got to stop drinking or abusing a substance or smoking, you know you have to go into recovery or detox, and that's where you need to help because it's familiar. It's a pattern, it's a habit, it's what you know. So that seven year old who couldn't leave home, who didn't talk to anybody who was forced to sweep this under the rug, who was forced to act like this didn't happen. That part of you is still running your life and you're just behaving in a way that's familiar to her. So how old are you now, physically thirty? Okay, you have to take charge of that seven year old. But she's been allowed to run this show. But now at thirty, I need you to say no, no, don't answer that, don't talk to him. So when you now at thirty, find yourself answering the phone or talking to that person, know that it's the part of you that thinks, or feels or believes this is familiar, and that's who's responding. So as thirty, you have to take control of her.

That person within me, that feeling within me. What the bad habits that I've grown are dictating my current life, my current decisions, my current emotions towards pain and my coping that moment, that little girl is dictating my life right now.

Yeah, let's say your name is Patty. You may call her little Patty. So big Patty, you know, has to do for her now what wasn't done for her back then? What would you have wanted your mom to do once she knew or some adult didn't have to be mom. Was there an adult that you trusted and who supported you? Was there anyone?

No?

Well, are you willing to be the big person that little person can trust and take care of her? Are you willing to do that now?

Yes?

I am, Because this is real simple. If you're saying that person is calling you now, I'm I have like about zero technical ability, but I do know you can block a person. Yes, block them, just block the call. Are you in a safe place where this person can't get to you?

Yes?

Physically? Yes, Okay, block them. It's just that simple. But see, she's also afraid that if she doesn't give that person what they want, nobody's gonna love her. Does that sound familiar?

Yes, that's exactly how I feel.

Yeah, I let her know this. Go ahead? No, go ahead.

I always try to see the best, and people try to see where I could have done something wrong and try to see who this person is outside of their bad life. And that's usually how I cope with everything.

That's how a seven year old thinks. They beat me, but they feed me, They yell at me, but they buy me. Pretty shoes. That's how a seven year old thinks. You're thirty. Spring into the present moment. And even if you have to say to yourself that I know that person hurts you, you didn't deserve that and you don't have to put up with it. Now, I'm going to take care of it.

Now.

You have to learn how to take care of you because you didn't learn that as a child. Oh wow, And this is the perfect time to do that. I know you may think that you should have done it sooner, but you're at the perfect age and this is the perfect time to do it because you're moving into a new life cycle of your thirties. Thirty one has certain gifts and blessings, thirty two, thirty three. So this is the perfect time. And the only reason that you on this call with me today is because you're ready to heal.

Wow. Today is today?

Yeah, today is the day. And if you get a chance, I want you to go to wherever you do your shopping. I want you to get a copy of a book. The name of the book is until today, Until today. I want you to get a copy of that book. Okay, And there's a message in that book for every single day of the year, and you read those messages because you participated in your own abuse until today, and you were made loyal to people who treated you badly until today. And you believe that what happened to you didn't matter until today, and you didn't know your own value and worth until today. Until today, that's the name of the book. You get that, and you read. Okay, I appreciate you, and I'm going to wish you the best for your healing, not for your understanding. That'll come and do season in due time. Right now, healing, healing, that's what you need to be made whole again, That's what healing is to be made whole, because right now you're fragmented.

Okay, yes, thank you.

So tell me something you know now, tell me something you know now that you didn't know when you call.

Me that I need to heal one and two, I would say that I have been an active participant and abuse and allowing someone to and now and now.

You are, yes, And you have a commitment to me that within the next three minutes, because it's now twelve twelve, that you're going to block that abuser. You're going to block their number. Yes, that's a commitment. You're making to yourself as a sign of self love. Okay, so stop talking to me, get off the phone, and go block their number.

Oh great, thank you all right.

Much love to you. Blessings, blessings, blessings, thank you. I have really high hopes for my last caller. I believed her when she said she was done being a voluntary participant in the abuse in her life. And in an episode all about unlearning what your parents taught you as children, it is so important to recognize the frequency, the energetic frequency that you are putting out in your life, because people really will recognize and tune into the frequency of your energy. Very odd often the frequencies are energy. How we move in the world is based on how our parents showed us love when we were younger, whether what they showed us was good or bad. That's my next callers situation. Listen and you'll see what I mean. Greetings, beloved, welcome to the art spot. Thank you for your patience and what is your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma question that you have going on for us to dig into today.

Thank you for having me in my relationship. I don't really know how to pandpoint it, but I am triggered a lot in my relationship with my fiance.

I do feel like, what does that mean? I am triggered? What does that mean triggered?

Like Okay, I guess so when something happens like I really get bothered by Bye, I'm really like trigger and I feel like that like self self reflections. I feel like me being triggered by things that he may do that maybe it's not what how, maybe he he how he moved, not how I want him to move. I feel like it's deeper things. It's deep, deep rooted. While I'm so triggered by every little thing, and I feel like we like he don't understand me or he like I was saying to your assistance, he loves me how he wants to love me, versus like how I feel like I need to be loved and he is a good provider. It's like financial though, and yes I love that, but I feel like on a deeper surface if I'm more than just financial now and I need like emotional support, you know, especially from like my traumbers and things of coming up or abandoning issues and rejecting from my father. So it that's always from like uh, then the guys that I've been dating like and I passed up until now I feel like it's like guys then like my.

Dad, You've been dating men who are like your dad? Yes, and how was your dad? How was your dad?

Financially? He ain't know how to actually love me, he thought just buying with love. So now me then old, getting older and more wiser as an adult. Okay, it worked it before, but it's like that doesn't that that's not the only thing that I need to feel loved. Now I'm identifying that because I think definitely triggered. So when I am speaking of these things or I'm looking for more to be loved or to just like providing financially, and if you're not showing up how I need him to, I'm triggered. Like I'm you know, I'm going off, like I'm upset or it's something every emotion like and I can't let it go, or my anxiety. I'm just trying to figure it out, like i'd be something like, Okay, when I'm not in a relationship, I be doing good and it's like, oh, I find myself. I'm happy with myself. But it's like every time did not get into relationship and it's like, oh, I gotta go healing again, Like I'm back, like kind of.

Trying to find myself.

I'm trying to articulate of you know, what that happened on the food, what it is or I just I.

Know, But it's like trying.

You got a lot going on. You got a lot going on, and you're trying to figure it out. And the same crazy brain that puts you into the situation is the same crazy brain that you're using to try to get yourself out. So I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing with you because I've been there, done that. Yeah, been there, done that. This thing about triggered. It's it's interesting because people get language and then they they don't really know how to apply it. So what happens is, I mean, your communication was very clear. You date men who was like your father, and your father was transactional to show you he loved you, he'd buy you things. Is that accurate or because he provided money he expected you to accept that as his love.

Yes, well, I felt to realize he didn't ever say that, but I kind of identified it on my own, like grown up and becoming an adults.

He loved me by buying me things. Yes, so that may have been his love language. You know, there are five different love languages, five ways that people communicate their love, and one of them is buying gifts. And it sounds to me like your love language may be either quality time or showing affection. So the gifts don't speak to you. Yes, And it's really hard because most people don't stop to pay attention to what they where love language is or what their partners love language is. Some people, you don't ever have to buy them a gift because physical touch is the way they receive love. Other people, it's acts of service. If you're serving me, if you're supporting me, making me a cup of coffee. Other people, it's gift giving. They'll give you. They'll never hug you, touch you, but they'll buy you a gift. Other people, it's quality time. I want to spend quality time if we're just sitting looking at the hole in the wall, you know, and other people, it's affirmation. I need, you know, words of affirmation encourage me. So I don't know. You know what makes you feel loved, But it sounds to me like your father's love language. The way he expressed love was giving you gifts, but maybe what you wanted was affirmationation or touch or or quality time or you know. So you're attracting men that love you the way your father did, which is transa well, you know their love language was gift giving and you've accepted that. So what happens is when they're doing that, you're remembering this is the same thing my father did and I don't want this.

Yes, so my honest anyone was Now he do show affection and he's touched and feel and he also by gifts. It's when I don't want to say things don't go my way. But when I'm like trying to have a say what's bothering me? Or maybe it's not I'm not affecting communicating because when I'm upset, like I'll get a like okay say this or he don't read your mind, say it, and I expect him to just know that I'm accepting, know why, or come to me and like blue baby, what's wrong? You know how I want him to do it? Like he he don't just come out and be like, oh wo, what's wrong. He might try to touch me or husban me, but no, I want you to talk to me. So I'm pushing them off because I guess that's how he's trying to, like, I guess, comfort me. But that's not how I want to be comfort I want him to canda in the sense like asks me or come to me and like what's wrong. And that sounds out to think it's something that you did that made me upset, but you're not looking at it like that, or when I say it's like, it's back on me.

Well, again, you've got a lot going on. First of all, the way it sounds to me based on what you're sharing, you want intimacy, deeper communication, but that may not be the way he loves, so he doesn't know how to do that, and then you get upset with him because he's not doing what you want. Does that make sense? Yes? So what do we do now? We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the R Spot. We are continuing our conversation about unlearning what your parents taught you as children. So let's get back to the conversation. You can't tell people how to love you. You have to be clear about the way they love and then decide if you want to participate in it. You can't tell him this is how I need you to love me. You can't tell him that because what if he's a poor communicator, what if he's a poor listener. You're trying to make him do something that he either doesn't want or doesn't know how to do. Here's the question. Your partner loves by giving gifts and showing affection. Is that enough for you? What triggers you is you're settling for less than you need or want. How about that? I know that, hit hole.

That's why my anxiety just was going to rise before you from.

Yeah, you're settling for less than you need or want. You need someone that will communicate with you. You need someone that you can have emotional intimacy with. Now doesn't mean he can't give it to you, But you can't get mad at him because he doesn't. What you have to do is ask for what you need and what you want, and then watch to see his efforts to give it to you. Because getting upset with him and angry with him and going after him because you're not getting what you need or want will eventually become abusive and he's not gonna take that.

I was listening to another podcast of yours and you may be like saying something a young lady is communicating effect with me, like you think, sort of cuddle up and in his black us up there, And I was like, why does things so hard for me to do? Like I just come up with this guard that like, or this pride. I guess my pride on my ego. I'd be feeling it and wanted to do it, but then I'll go back and see like this guard.

Because you're angry at your dad and the way he loved you, and you've been love starved for so long, and now you've got this beautiful man who's doing exactly what your daddy did and the same way you couldn't say to your daddy. Daddy, thank you for the gifts. But I need you to affirm me. I need you to talk to me. I need you to listen to me the same way you couldn't do that as your dad. You think you can't do this with this man, and that pisses you off, so then you go for him. Poor thing. He probably thinks she's done some kind of nuts.

Oh my goodness.

Yeah, And what will happen is you start to beat him up and beat him down no matter what he does, it's not enough no matter what he gives, it's not right no matter how he shows up, it's not good enough or what you want, and you'll start to beat him up and beat him down. And men can't take that. Do you love this man?

Yes?

Then you have to tell him what you need and maybe y'all will have to get some counseling or support so that he can hear you. Chances are, you know how long have you all been together? Ooh? Chances are the broken part of you attracted him. So he may not be the one. He may be the one to show you where your breaks were. You may be able to communicate with him in a way, and he may be able to commit to shifting, changing, doing what's required that you can feel heard and seen and know that you're loved.

Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen. I tried that a couple of times. Why Because I tried that a couple of times. I don't really think he comprehends it. Well. I feel like I'm great intellectual and a deep talker, tell me conversation. I feel like he's the opposite. He'll listen, he'll sit down and listen and everything, But everything I say, and I can be calm saying it and everything articulately, and will he'll come back and just like he didn't understand anything I just said. But his response to be like, I don't eve and I just be like, oh my goodness.

Yeah, because you attracted your father, that's where your radio was tuned to send me a man like my father, so that I can heal not feeling loved?

How do I heal that part?

First of all, you got to get clear about what you want. How do you want to be loved? What would it take for you to know that you are loved? I'll know I'm loved if my partner would see me, okay on me? What does that mean? Love on me?

Make me a priority, make me feel like I'm not even just say it, but in actions as well, a priority in his life.

But let me ask you a question. It's a hard question, all right, and I want you to think about it. Do you see you? Do you see every part of you? The good, the not good, the beauty, the power, the pimples, the warts. Do you see you? That would be a no. That would be a no because if you really saw you, and if you really knew you, And if you really honored, respected, embraced, accepted you, you wouldn't be with a man who doesn't do it. You wouldn't do you love you? I mean really love you. You're good, you're bad, you're up, you're down. Do you love you enough to know you deserve to have every single thing you want the way you want it? Do you love you that much?

How good idea my actions is not shown?

Ah? Yeah?

So let me ask you this. Are you a priority in your own life? Are you your priority? No? Okay? So how can you expect him to give you something that you're not giving yourself? And that doesn't mean having your own way and having everything your way, It doesn't mean that at all. But if you're coming into a relationship with another person broken expecting them to fix your break, they can never do enough, give enough, be enough, because the problem is inside of you. If you're not doing it, why are you expecting him to do it?

So?

He don't know, poor thing, bless his pointed head. He don't know. What do you think he would say to you if you were to say to him, come here, boo, let me tell you something. It doesn't feel like you see me or know me. It doesn't feel like you hear me when I'm talking to you. It doesn't feel like I'm a priority in your life or that my feelings matter to you. And we got to figure this out otherwise I'm gone. I'm not feeling loved or seen. I don't feel like I matter. What do you think he would say to you?

I'm think he'll say, why you feel like that?

Because I do? I don't know that. How can you love me if you don't see me? Come on, let's finish the conversation. How can you love me if you don't see me?

Fortunately, I don't see how I don't see you.

You don't see when I'm hurting. You don't see when I'm sad. I don't feel like a priority in your life. I know you buy me gifts and show me affection. I know you're a great provider, but there's something missing here. I'm not even sure what it is, but I know I don't have it.

What would he say if you don't even know how to? And you think you understand.

You want a man who can communicate, and you've got a man who can't, well, who doesn't know how to. Those three things that you said to me see myself, love myself, and make me a priority. I think if you focus on those three areas within yourself for yourself, even in the relationship, it'll get clearer to you about what you need to ask him for.

I wouldn't even worried about and then not learning any confidence at about.

Me yes, and learning what that means, you know, one of you know. One of the ways that I love myself. One of the ways that I love myself is I make sure that at least once a day I get to watch an episode of Law and Order. And when I can't find an episode of Law and Order, I go watch Blue Bloods because it just makes me happy. It don't make no sense. I don't have to be you know, spiritual or godly or wise. I just that makes me happy, and I got to do it. Don't talk to me. I'm watching Law and Order listening to Jack McCoy. Leave me alone, and I don't need anybody to approve or to accept or to just leave me alone. I'm watching I'm watching Jack right now. What are those things that you can do to fill yourself up so you don't need him to fill you up?

Some of the self kid, things that wouldn't make me happy if I treating myself to going to a spa. How do I I'm trying, how I'm doing, how do I do that? The feel you know here of course, and he having the kids trying to focus on myself.

Or you can say to him, you know what, I have the kids most of the time. I really appreciate you know, the help that you give me. But what I need is Thursday nights off from six to nine. I need you to be here, feed them, put them to bed, I'll cook whatever. But can we do that? That's that's a real simple request. And if he says no, I can't do that, or if he forgets two or three times, then what you do is you get a member of your posse. Can you keep my kids for me on Thursday nights? I go do whatever I need, do my nails, my toes, my feet, buys whatever. You turn to your posse and don't make your don't make it dependent upon him. I mean that would be nice, but the goal is for you to get what you need and he's gonna support you in.

It or not.

Yeah, I believe that on that inner happiness broke because I became so dependent on him because you do whateut I ax or give whatever I ax.

Or dependent as opposed to appreciative. And again, he may not be the one, but you can't say that he's not the one if you are functioning from your broken places.

Last thing, what if you help the right like White might not give him my father the letter, but just to wipe my father letter, like everything has tell stuff like that, do it away or whatever.

And you need that absolutely. And then once you're all done with it and you got it all out, weep and cry and snotting all over the paper, take it and burn it, okay, and then begin to see your father differently. He did the best he could. He did. He loved you the way he knew how to love, and wanting him to love you any differently is not helpful. It's not going to turn out well for you. And that's exactly what you're doing with your partner. You want him to love you in a way that he may not know how to do. And it's unkind to ask somebody to do something that they don't know how to do. If you love this man, let him love you the way he loves you, and fill your own cup.

Okay, Yeah, thank you so much. I honest is so helpful.

All right, I wish you the best. Thank you. Okay, okay, bye bye. I am telling you. I am telling you. I am telling you. Whether you understand it or believe it or not, we all vibrate at a certain level. We send out energetic frequencies. We put out a frequency that says, this is how I've accepted love before, So come on in and repeat that pattern with me. And it's not until we accept and understand and recognize that we can change the pattern where we begin to attract what we really desire. If we decide that we need to change it, we can. Sometimes we are receiving healthy love, but we might not want to recognize it or accept it, so instead we're demanding to be loved in the way we know love in a certain way that we've become a to receiving love. But it's so important to learn that we can accept love in a healthy way. It's so important to learn that we can accept love in different ways, but it has to be healthy. There is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting a gift now and then. Okay, ha ha, but don't accept less than you deserve. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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