Stand Up For Yourself, Within Yourself

Published Oct 19, 2022, 10:00 AM

After 12 years of marriage, one woman is on the verge of divorce because her husband continues to spend time with an ex and many female “friends”, which he refuses to let her meet. Another caller’s boyfriend left him when he didn’t lose the weight gained as a result of the stress of significant loss. Iyanla dives right in, reminding both callers that the most important things for them, in this moment, is to set their boundaries, learn from their mistakes and choose themselves.
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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins

Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani

Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight

I am a younger your host for this journey. I was a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is and what it is not. I want to share some of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. In any successful, loving, fulfilling relationship, people will be required to make sacrifices in order to come together. You see, sometimes you'll want something and the other person may want something else, but you can come together to compromise and work out a solution. But there are those times when people in relationships can be extremely selfish, only taking, never giving. So I am here today to tell you, if you are dealing with a partner who has treated you poorly, disregarded your feelings, and taken taken, taken, without ever giving back, it is a okay to vote for you, to choose you above your partner. Remember that you are a person, and you deserve respect, and you deserve to be treated fairly. And my first caller is a prime example of someone who has let's say lost their way and needs a reminder that they must stand for themselves within themselves. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the our spot. Now, what is the question, challenge, issue, dilemma that you would like us to investigate and explore today? First, thank you for taking the call. Secondly, I am at my wits in in reference to a marriage for twelve year marriage, um ready to divorce because my husband has he's going to recovery program twenty something years and he has a lot of female friend It's quote unquote some of these friends all or text in the middle of the night. I'm never able to meet these quote unquote friends right now. The major problem is every Tuesday night he's at an ex girlfriend's house with this group of recovering friends, supposedly playing cards, and he's screamed at me at the top of his lungs that this is going to continue no matter how I feel about it. I'm not sure if I'm justified in feeling like hanging out of the ex girlfriend's house is okay. And we've had this very same argument. I said, invite them to our home. I need to feel something, and my gut is telling me something isn't correct here, but I can't seem to get him to understand my side, empathize with the fact that I'm not okay with this. Help me because I'm about to down my house and walk out of this whole thing because I'm feeling crazy. Really, you feel crazy. Your husband has a bunch of female friends that you can't meet. He goes out every Tuesday night to play cards at an ex girlfriend's house. He doesn't hear or honor your request that he invites you into that part of his life, and you feel crazy? Is that what I'm hearing you said? It is exactly hearing me say, well, that's crazy as hell. I know. The more I talked about it or just said it, I'm I had the same thought. Is as crazy as hell. So let's let's start here. Did you know about these female friends before you got married? You say you've been married twelve years, he's in recovery twenty, so you knew about them, and what was your what was your request prior? Um? We've always this Every year since our marriage, there has been some female that we've argued about, coworker or something that I told him. I think you're crossing a boundary or you're not putting down to me? Is down? They call when they want And I told one of them. I actually said to one, could you not call him on his only day off? You guys worked together six days a week. She said, I will call him anytime I want to. Oh, help me, No, you gotta help yourself. I got Yeah. So you knew this going into the marriage. Let me ask you this, what was your love story? What was your love story with this man who'd been in recovery? What then eight years? What was your love story that made you want to marry this man? Ah? Wow, that's so strange. We I actually met him at an excess home. We seem to just I mean, I call him straight up. If you're not single, it's not available. Please. This was New Year's Eve. I'm not starting my year off blah blah blah. But laid down all these rules, um, and he said he was available. He was ready. He at that time fifty something, you know, I was ready to settle down. Yet he's still redated. And all throughout that dating process, which was about a year before we got married, there was always something this female that we go to, that he goes to her home I knew her before I knew him. In the moment we got engaged, she stopped speaking to me. My gut is telling me I am not off. Well, then why are you calling meet you? And I know, don't you trust your God? Really? My only family everyone, I'm the oldest person in my family and I've kind of made him that in my head, like that's it. He's my family. And in other ways, he's a good guy. But hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I really am challenged when we as women do that, when we do a bypass, doesn't honor my feelings, he doesn't hear or respect my concerns. My gut is telling me something. I'm betraying. My gut too align with his behavior. Because other than the fact that he doesn't hear me, honor me, or respect me, he's a good guy. Why do we do that? As women? Why do we do that? That is crazy as hell? You see in a relationship, beloved, And this is this is a broader teaching just for all of us as women. Yours sixty seven, I'm two years almost three years older than you. But the broader, the broader teaching is you know that as women, we move into a cycle where the princess, and then we become the bride, and then we become the mother, than we become a woman, and then we move into our wisdom years. You know, once you cross that sixty yard dash, you're now moving into your wisdom years. So there's a wisdom that's born in us that comes forward to keep us safe and solid and secure. And like many many of us, we we discard that we dishonor it we disrespected by allowing what we hear and see and think to override what's coming from the sacred center of our being. What are you acting like? You don't know? I'm acting like one that I'm not worth. Well, let's keep it. Let's make it. Let's make it a little simpler than that. Okay, what I'm acting like I don't know is that my feelings don't matter to him. M hmm. You see, a man wants to know that he is respected. A woman wants to know that her feelings are respected. So whether he's with these women or not with these women, or whether there's some she nanigations going on, you feel like they are, and it is incumbent upon him as your partner to provide to protect, to perform, and to please. So I don't know if he's providing for you. I heard you say I'm going to sell my house. I don't know if he is, if he is protecting you, well not if a woman can call your house and tell you she's gonna call whenever she wants, he needs to protect you from that. I don't know how he's performing for you, you know, in other ways. Does he take the trash out, does he do laundry, does he cook? Does he put the toilet seat down? Kenny? Is he rocking it between the sheets? I mean, what is How is he performing? And then how does he please you? How do he please you? If you've got this upset going on from the beginning of the marriage, I want to know why you stepped into it. You didn't tell me a love story. You told me all of the demands you made of him, and then he acquiesced to it. You know, So what did he bring to the table that you need? M Companionship is about it? Okay, so you have a companion and the companion that you have because a companion and a husband ain't the same thing a roommate. Okay, there you go? Is that what you want. No, can you stay in this exactly as it is right now because it's twelve years down. Chances are it's not going to change because you've allowed him to believe that it's okay. You may fuss and argue he knows how to get around that. You may raise it every now and then, but then there's no consequences to his dishonored, disrespect and violation of your feelings. There's no consequence. Why should he stop? Why would he stop? I just I think that I am at the point that because I am selling the house, I am moving forward in spite of all my pain and depression and et cetera, that I'm finally there. You know, I'm finally to the point where I've got to take care of myself in this or the consequences are going to be dire for me. What is the pain? The pain for me is that it seems I give a hundred percent in all relationships, and I get this every time. You know, the pain is I'm not Maybe I'm just not worse somebody loving me a hundred Or perhaps it's because you ignore your gut. How about that, Perhaps he's showing you how you treat yourself. He's not listening to you. Well, you don't listen to you. He's not honoring your feelings. You don't honor your feelings. So perhaps the pain has nothing to do with him. The pain is about, oh my god, look how I am treating myself. I'm out of this. Right after the break, we'll talk about what my caller needs to be asking her partner. Welcome back to the our spot. You know, it's hard. This is hard for me because I know, to the untrained ear, it sounds like I'm advocating the dissolution of a marriage or a dissolution of a relationship. We've got a couple of things going on here that I want us to just look at because I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the hundreds of thousands of other people who are listening. You just volunteered to put the issue on the table. Okay, okay, But what do you value now as a wise woman in her wisdom years? What are the three or four or five things that you value most right now? Not much? Mm hmmm. Do you value peace? Um? I thought I did, but I don't feel like I've had it for so long? What is it? You know? Because you're accommodating something that's dishonoring you. Mm hmmm, you're accommodating, tolerating something that is dishonoring you. And not to say that your your boo, your husband is a bad guy, but his behavior is disrupting your peace right. I value peace so much that I bought a dog and named it Peace, so that all throughout my day I'm calling peace. Can you hear me? Because I value my peace? And you know what else I value? Freedom? Do you value freedom? I do? I do? Okay? Do you feel free to speak your mind and to say what you feel and know that it will be respected and honored? Um? Not completely. No, it's a good way of turning things around when I speak, almost to the point where I feel like I need to record it. You know, do you value your own company? I do. I'm okay with being alone? Yes? No, you said I've been alone. I feel alone. I asked you what that meant. You said that you know, if you were to die or something that had happened to you, there'd be nobody else that the people could call but him. So I have to ask you, do you value not only being with yourself? But where is God? In USh for you. Right, I'm telling you, I have been praying to my God incessantly and I don't feel anything. What is your prayer? When you said you've been praying to God incessantly, what is your prayer? Yes, for clarity, Give me clarity. Please give me courage to do the right thing. I know what you're saying. And I pray for the courage to to sell the house, to leave, to take care of myself. So you are clear, you got it. Sell the house, take care of myself. Leave. What else do you need to know? What day, what time? What moving company to call? Right? All of that and I'm going I'm gonna be okay. And where are you going when you sell the house? I have a friend actually who I'm in North Carolina and she lives in Coasta, Rica, and she's invited me. Oh girl, they got some hot Custer recon man over there. Please. I just came back. It's just I cand it just make you greaty. You don't have to do nothing but sit on your portrait all day long and watching pass delicious. I have that invitation to come and live. I just got to get the courage to take that step. And I am Courage comes by doing, and encourage requires that you do what feels right in the moment before you are forced to do it before. So courage, courage is not going to drop in. It's a result of doing what you know is required before you are forced to do it. That's what courage is. Let me talk to you, wise woman to wise woman. Okay, I hear you. I get it in. In twenty nineteen, my partner of thirteen years died, died, and I said, oh my Lord, here I am oldest, rusty shoes and I got to be by myself. Oh God. So my prayer was, show me how to be with you, God, so that I'll be more comfortable being with myself. Show me what it is you would have me do, because I'm not getting on match dot com at sixty three. I'm not gonna do that, Okay. So the first thing I had to work through was what does it mean at this age that I am with myself? See, I don't call it alone with myself because I've got a lot of people in my life. But every day coming home, nobody to pick up, to bring the suitcase upstairs, and and nobody to help me. Blah blah, blah, you know, walk the dogs or whatever. So I did what I'm telling you. I looked to the young uns. I got a son, I got grandchildren, I got god children. I can call any of them at any time and get done whatever I need done. Because I'm a wise woman. I'm in my crone years, my elder ship. The young uns, that's their job. Now. I have to be here all the time. Keep some oreos and some lace potato chips and a few drink boxes around. They'll come. They'll do anything, and they work cheap. Okay. So I hear you, baby, I hear you, my sister woman. I mean, not even call you baby. You don't want to be alone, and you're wondering why is there another failed relationship? Because the first relationship you failed at is the one with yourself, not trusting your gut, not honoring yourself, not knowing when people cross boundaries and cross lines, not in acting consequences that keep you safe and protect you. He may be a very nice person, and I'm sure one of his female friends will find that out when you moved to Costa Rica to look at the pretty men from the porch. So I want to honor celebrate I want to encourage and motivate you to do what feels right for you in your guts at this time. Thank you. If nobody else gives you permission, I want to give you permission. And what's the worst that can happen? You were wrong? Oh I shouldn't have left him? Well, hell, you were wrong marrying him. Okay, my darling, thank you very much, have a great day. Bye bye. I have all the faith in the world that she'll move forward and have that conversation, because one thing is clear for her. She needs to choose herself. Now. My next caller is dealing with an issue from another perspective. His partner left him, blaming him as the problem. We'll see about that after this break. Welcome back to the Our Spot. Today we're discussing how my callers can stand up for themselves in their relationships. And my next callers partner left him for something some would say is a trivial reason to end a relationship, but maybe that's not the real issue. Let's explore. Greetings beloved, Welcome to the Our Spot where we discuss all things relationships. So what is the problem issue? You challenge question you would like us to nibble on today. Uh, you know, thank you so much for even taking my call. So I've been in a relationship for about two and a half years. Um. During this time, maybe like nine months into the relationship, my life just started to spiral. So I bought my house. Three months later, I got laid off from my job. Fans for a six months later, my mom passed away. Um. And with that happening, like, I just lost it, like I gained sixty pounds, and my partner expressed to me, like, if you don't lose the weight, like, I can't see myself staying with you. So February of this year, um, the relationship actually we parted ways. Um. He said that he needed to figure out if he actually wanted this and he needed time, um for himself to think through is this what he wanted? Because if he had met me at the size that I am now, that he wouldn't have pursuit me. Wow. So you were in the relationship for two years, your partner decided they didn't want to be in the relationship no matter how hard he tried, he just can't get pass Like the physical attraction to me, he said it everything internally without connection is strong and exactly where he wanted to be, but it's just a physical that he can't wrap his head around and sickness and in health that was then his coming and huh, exactly what I was thinking. And I told him to expressed ended the relationship that um, you know, I you know, felt that pressure, and he was like, well, I gave it two years, um for you to lose the weight, and you still didn't. So he said, his therapist told him, it sounds like I'm not a person that has the same values that he has. Oh my god, are you kidding me? Well, what does that tell you? See you acting like you don't know something here? What did that tell you about this person? It made me feel like you won't stick around because I'm thinking in my head, if I met gaining weight, um, what's the end it. I can't imagine us being down the line with kids and the family and us like all hell to break loose. And the last thing I will want is to be going through hell and being also worried about is my partner gonna leave me because he can't stick out here with me? So first of all, I want to say this to you, and I know this is gonna sound bizarre, okay, but I'm gonna say it, it ain't personal. Apparently your ex partner had some standards, criteria, desires that maybe you guys never discussed, never talked about. But that's his stuff. That's not your stuff. You lost your mom, you lost your job. Stress will make you eat, Stress will put weight on you some people, it takes weight off of some people that puts weight onto But this wasn't about the weight. This was about the value of the relations ship. You. You've got to know that somewhere you miscalculated who this person was. You just miscalculated. Oops, okay, next, because you had the house, you had the car, You look good. And as soon as those things became threatened, this person, you know, bailed, and that's not a good solid foundation. I would encourage you to go back and look at the beginning, because if you want to know the end, look at the beginning. There had to be some indications of shallowness, or indications of something there at the beginning that maybe you misread or overlooked or didn't pay attention to. The only head in the beginning is that he was so adamant with one of the relationships to move away faster than I wanted it to move. But other than that, it was like he was presenting himself to be like a great Yeah, but how he presents himself. You know, women present themselves as having a great body, uh, and they'll have on three spanks and a push up bra I didn't present And what's really going on up underneath all that synthetic rubber. It's a whole another thing. It's something you missed here, something y'all didn't discuss. But it ain't personal. That's his stuff. Don't take it on. Don't take it on. That and as a result of major transitions and changes in your life that you know, you had a physical reaction. You know, eating disorders a serious thing and it can be brought on by stress. He's just he just wasn't the one boot and it's okay. Yeah, So moving forward, like because I'm starting back to lose weight and you know, finding my way back to my real, authentic self. And so let's say that I meet someone once I'm at my best health again, I weighted down and all that. How do I know that I'm choosing the right person and it's not just a physical attraction thing. Well, you got to ask them that you have to look like you said, this person wanted the relationship to move faster than you wanted it, and maybe you sped up to be with this particular person. And I would encourage you to be mindful of how you use your physical appearance to attract people. I'm not saying you do, but you know, if you do, just be mindful of that, because that's you know, then they get attracted to the window dressing. You could have shown up looking like that and had on three spanks because they have male spanks, you know, male girdles. How will you know the next time? Take your time, Take your time, and you've got something to say to that person. Listen, you know what in my last relationship, I lost my job, I lost my mom. I gained some weight as a result of stress induced eating disorder, and that person, you know, booked in the midst of my crisis. I hope what about you? What would you say if I gained sixty? But ask the questions, put it out there. So this is now a a marker that you can have, but you'll know. But also, don't be attracting people because you're cute and look good. Well, I mean that's initial thing though, so it's like, how do you Because initially people are usually drawn to you because you are physically attractive, and then after talking to you know, getting to know you, that's when a start to like you on a deeper level. But it's usually the physical that attracts a person first. But then you got to find out their heart beloved, and that comes to conversation, that comes to shared interests, that comes to a shared vision, that comes through a lot of things. And there are people and like big people. I had a man one time tell me you're very beautiful, but you need to gain some weight. I'm like, what, too skinny? I'm like really, okay, well that's not you know, because I wouldn't be comfortable with more weight. I'm too skinny. Okay, that's rare for a man to say. Okay, so people have their likes and their dislikes. We're not making him wrong. We're just saying that, you know, two years in, if that's what um broke took him out of the relationship, that's very shallow. But more than that, it wasn't safe for your heart. Do you understand what I'm saying? So you may have dodged a bullet here, think of it this way. Nothing is permanent. Nothing we wanted to be. We want things to stay the same, but nothing is permanent. So your weight's not permanent. Your physical appearances and permanent, your relationships, they're not permanent. You went through a rough patch, and you want somebody that's gonna be in it, that has the staying power to glue, to stick to it now because you don't know what life is going to bring you. Right, you had two years work on yourself. You know, life is hard enough to be worried about anything but sixty pounds as long as there's a size bigger than the one you wear you okay, is there a size bigger than the one you're wearing right now? It definitely is, you know. And then you're in grieving. You lost your mom, you lost your your your heartbeat, you know, and somebody's gonna be worried about sixty pounds. Really, don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to yourself. I've been trying to, like you said, not personalizing and realizing that. Um, I did get lost, like lose myself in a relationship. Like I was using the relationship to get the validation that I needed because I wasn't validating myself. I wasn't allowing myself to affirming myself. I was using the relationship to affirm me. So once they got stripped away from me, then it became a winner. Why it hurt me so bad? What should hurt you? Is? Boy? What did I miss with that one? What are the questions I didn't ask? What are the things that I didn't see? Let me sharpen those skills so that next time I don't have to go through this, Because again, this isn't about the weight game, and we're not making him wrong. He has his likes and his dislikes. You know, some people like ball people, some people don't. Some people like beards, some people don't. Some people like mustaches, some people don't. Some people like some meat to hold onto, and other people don't. It's okay, that's his desire, you know. But considering that, you know the thing is that you're in this together, and then their dislikes took over their commitment to the relationship. That ain't about you, that's about him. You're gonna be okay, how many pounds did you? I'm more concerned about have you gotten another job? So I'm doing well with it. I got lunch, my own business and for myself. Now alrighty, look at that. Look at that. So there's somebody out there that wants something. Uh, entrepreneur with some meat on his bones. It's somebody out there. So just practice that in your mind, you know, and allow yourself to grieve both your mom and the relationship. Allow yourself to grieve it. Just let it go and get the lessons and you'll use them next time. Okay, Okay, I thank you so much to speak on me today. It really did give me another way to think about this. I really appreciate you. I appreciate you, and good luck, good luck with your business. Thank you so much. Alrighty, bye bye. I like to say stand up for yourself within yourself, but the common phrases sticking up for yourself, particularly in a relationship, when it's important to know where you're boundaries are and exactly what you will and will not put up with. But it's also important to admit your own mistakes so that you can move on and grow from them. Listen, we're human, we are crazy as hell. No one is perfect, but everyone, especially you, deserves respect. You deserve to know and feel that you are loved and to be able to choose for yourself when it comes to your happiness. I am an La and I thank you for joining me. If you have questions or insights about this or any other relationship topic and you would like us to explore it here on the our spot, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times. In the meantime, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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