Self-Diagnosis is Misdiagnosis

Published Sep 14, 2022, 10:00 AM

Two callers believe they know what’s wrong in their relationships, but Iyanla thinks otherwise. One woman feels betrayed by her husband when he chooses his mother and other women over her, even right after she gave birth to their child. The second caller’s girlfriend called her selfish and entitled, but she doesn’t think it’s true. Iyanla gets to the heart of the issues, allowing her callers to finally be honest with themselves about what’s really wrong in their relationships.
Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!
instagram & twitter: @IyanlaVanzant
facebook: @DrIyanlaVanzant

Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins

Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani

Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight

I am the Amla. I've been very open about the fact that I was not always good at making my relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person. In other words, I have seen a lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I am here to share with you what I learned along the way because I did take copious note. Welcome to the Our Spot a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. So very often in relationships, we want to do the right thing, even when we know the right thing may be the wrong thing, because see, the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing, and the right thing at the wrong way is still the wrong thing. So so very often we get caught up in our commitment to the person and we lose sight of our commitment to ourselves. My first caller is a really great example of how to be honest with yourself and to choose you in a relationship. Let's say, hello, good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the our Spot, And what is the challenge, issue, question, dilemma that you are bringing to the spot today. Hi, I grew up in a Christian home and I was taught the importance of love and forgiveness. But even with those lessons, I struggle to understand, like what forgiveness really means, Because when you experience hurt, it stays with you, and I see families move forward, but when it comes to your significant others, that hurts used as a weapon, and it's so much easier to walk away. Because my husband I we've been together for thirty years and Mary for and we've had a lot of ups and downs, and our downs nearly broke us. And he's taking care of me through a cancer diagnosis and three major surgeries. And he has always been supportive and has never been physically or verbally disrespectful in any anyway. But every time we have one little dispute, I'm yielding his past mistakes over him like a weapon, and I feel the pain and the separation it causes. But yet for me, true forgiveness things impossible, and I don't want that for us. I just don't know how to hear what's been broken. M Let me see if I got this. I have to kind of read between the lines, because it's clear to me that you have a narrative running in your mind to justify how you feel okay, because I heard you say I was raised in the Christian home. I was taught love and forgiveness. But why is it hard to forge of the people you love the most? Did I hear you say that it seems like it's easier to forget family. Um, but when it comes to your spouse, like my my husband is, it's like I hold on to everything and one of the thing and it's like everything that I feel like I've experienced just comes up. Mhmm. Okay, So I'm gonna take a risk here, Please forgive me if I'm wrong. Um, I'm going to assume that there may have been some infidelity involved in your marriage. Is that accurate? I mean they's it's a yes. I mean my my my husband, I reach dealt with a lot of issues with his family being so involved in our marriage. And when his and it was mostly his mom, And when his mom passed, he got really close to someone at work, and while it may not have been a physical relationship, I felt like his relationship cross the line from me and it really caused distance between us and I don't know how to heal that. Okay, Okay, So there was an emotional betrayal. Okay, all right, and you haven't forgiven your husband okay, well again, because you have this narrative running in your heads. You're trying to justify a your feelings and be what you need to do about them. Right. So, if you had to give me a list, I need to forgive my husband for what not putting me before his mom? Okay, choosing his mother before you. So you were in a threesome exactly, Okay, good, that's good. Choosing his mother over me, which is a violation of the tenant. You know that you let go of your father and your mother cleave to your wife, but that didn't happen, okay. And what else? And for leaning on someone else when his mom passed and loved me, leaning on another woman? Exactly? Is there anything else that's it? Okay? So here's the question I would ask you, why do you tell yourself your husband chose his mother over you? What is your internal dialogue about that my husband chose his mother over me? Because there are a lot of situations where I would make a decision and he would uh allow his mother to make a different decision for our lives. And when we first met, I mean we had we had never argued, and our very first argument, and this was you ys later, was when we hear that our first daughter. It was something simple as me not wanting how to have a pacifier and his mom deciding that she should have five different ones in different colors and different styles because she thinks a child should have a pacifier. It was it was something as simple as that that I felt was a portrayal because here we are too, we're having our first child, and you're allowing your mother to make decisions for us, okay, And this it's just it got worse over the years, I mean so much. So like I'm I'm in the hospital after having all second child, and I got really sick, and my child went home. We went home and I got admitted back into the hospital, and my mother in law decided she would go stay at my house to take care of my other daughters. And I called it to speak to my husband and she's telling me I can't speak to because I was and he he wasn't allowing him to come see me, and so he did not. It was a lot of stuff like that. Okay, I take a breath, beloved. I want you to take a breath, because I want you to hear me. I want you to know that I heard you, but I want you to hear me. Are you aware that you did not answer the question that I asked you? Are you aware of that? I'm not aware, okay, because you've got a narrative that's running in your head. You've got a narrative about this running in your head, and that is probably what's making the forgiveness challenging for you. So here is the question that I am presenting. Here's the inquiry I want us to make with curiosity and an openness. Here's the inquiry. What do you tell yourself is the reason your husband chose his mother over you? Mm hm. Take a breath and just repeat the whole statement. My husband chose his mother over me because and then say whatever comes out, my husband chose his mother over me because I wasn't enough. Ah, thank you. Take a breath, Take a breath. Where do you feel that in your body it might chuck? Yeah, right in your heart. Take an inhale and push your belly out, push, push, push, push your belly out, and then let it go. My husband chose his mother over me because my husband chose his mother over me because he wasn't taught how the love. Okay, so beloved. The narrative, the story, the script that you have running in your head is that my husband couldn't love me because he wasn't taught how to love. My husband couldn't love me, or he chose his mother over me because I'm not enough and I'm not good enough. So let's go one level down the one one more level deeper. Okay, and we'll do that right after the break. Welcome back to the art spot. Now let's get back into the conversation. Now. I want to offer you something. If it doesn't fit, don't wear it, don't take it on, okay. But if it does, say that would be accurate. Okay. If it doesn't fit, that's okay. But I want to offer you something so that we can get to the root in the core. All right, m M. My husband chose his mother over me because I wasn't good enough. Mm hmmm does that fit for you? Breathe? All you have to say is that would be accurate or not? That would be okay? Go ahead, take a breath. Who did your father choose over you? Ah? The streets? Mm hmmm, whoa take a breath? Honestly, I might might say about this mm hmm. So the man you loved and wanted and yearned for I didn't know how to love you. Oh maybe he wasn't taught to love and chose the streets over you. Yeah. So based on that narrative, it's absolutely natural that you would choose a man and be with a man. Doesn't make him bad, doesn't make him wrong, that would choose something or someone over you, because I have a lot of reasons, most of them in your narrative. So the reason that you're having difficulty forgiving your husband, because that's what this is all about, is that you're forgiving the wrong person for the wrong thing, and you're forgiving behaviors as opposed to forgiving thoughts and judgments. So the first thing that you have to forgive is your mind. Does that make sense to you? It does? It's yeah, yeah, yeah, I know who said it had to be easy? Heck nobody. That's not a guarantee. So I want to give you this theory to contemplate. Okay, it's not that your husband chose his mother or another woman over you. It's that you had a narrative running in your consciousness that he wasn't taught out of love, and he couldn't love you because you weren't enough and you weren't good enough, and so life, the universe just showed you what your story looks like. This is hard work, This is deep, deep, deep work, because the part of you that really needs to do the forgiveness is probably about three to five years old. So you, as an adult woman, now I have to give yourself permission to do the work for that three or five year old. And they're thinking, isn't like you're thinking, See, you had that narrative running. I was raised in Christian household and I was told about love well at three and five year old. They don't know nothing about that, right. They just know they hurt, they feel alone. Daddy ain't here, I'm not enough, I'm not good enough. They don't know how to love me. He I want him to. He don't know out because all women marry their fathers who he was, who they wanted him to be, or they go for the exact opposite of their father and end up with their father. It's just the way it works. I don't care how long it takes you. I want you to do that work because this is about forgiving what you believe. It's about forgiving your thinking, it's about forgiving your judgments. It's about forgiving your mom, your dad. And then when you do all of that and forgive yourself, then you can forgive your husband. And by the time you get there, you realize there's really nothing to forgive him for, because all he did was live out the narrative that you have running in your mind. Do you love him and true? Okay, We'll let the love open the way for you to do your inner work. I most definitely, Bill, thank you so much. Okay, okay about take care. I always find it so amazing how we as human beings want to diagnosed stock owned issues. And as I've said before, self diagnosis is misdiagnosis because more often than not, the part of our brain, the part of our mind that wants to be healed, is the same part of our mind, the part of our brain that led us into the brokenness. When you hit an issue and you've been twisting it, turning it, chewing on it, nibbling on and beating it up for a long time and nothing is shifting or changing, get some help, get an objective third party, because self diagnosis is usually misdiagnosis, and you will be working on the wrong problem forever. My next caller is also learning a lesson about honesty because it seems she may be in a little nio about the state of her relationship. We'll be right back. Welcome back now. My next caller was accused of using her partner just for the money. But there's much more to unpack here. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the our spot. How are you? I'm doing well? Good? How can I support you today? Um? I was kindly in reference to you know, my relationship that I am in with my girlfriend that says that I am selfish and I kind of use her for her money. That's what she says about me. But I don't feel that that's true or even remotely like the truth about who I am. So why is she saying that? Um? Right now, financially, I don't know heavy like I used to, and when we go out to places, she do um pay for things. But it's Marcia of death, like the road that she kind of took on in my relationship, like without me and having to ask, like she was always the one that was doing it and so she was just saying that I was selfish and just like I have this expectation of her doing things without her even having asked. And I was just like, but I don't ask you to do anything like this is something that you do without me even having to ask. She would tell you, like, you literally just do it on your own. And she was like pretty much just telling me, um that I don't even try to, like, you know, say no or whatever, or if you do go out like I pretty much just get whatever I want. I'm like, you tells me too, So I don't. I don't know. Wait a minute, do you share a household together or you live separately? We used to live together, but after she cheated on me, I tell her she had to leave. Okay, so y'all got all kinds of stuff going on. Yeah, okay, So you know, if somebody shares with you their experience of you, that's all she's doing. She experiences you as being selfish. Yeah, that's all she's saying. Now, she's saying you are selfish, which may not be true, but your way of being she experiences as selfish. Okay, have you asked her? What are you asking me to do? So that you know I'm not just using you for your money? What are you asking me to do? Have you asked her that? No, I haven't. I think I asked her in another way, but not exactly that way, but because I know she wanted to tell me that. It's like I come off like I'm entitled. I just still ask for the things that I want. Steel like she feels like because she paid for things, it's certain things I supposed to, well, I gotta do it, and I'm just like that takes away my free liberit of wanting to do things that I don't want to do. So it's it's it's constantly or like to fight the queen is So let me ask you a question. What are you acting like you don't know about this relationship with this person? Um? Really sically, I'm acting like I don't know that that we're not on the same page. Oh you think how cheated on me multiple times and you just consert seem like you're keeping work. So are you acting like you don't know? This is not gonna get any better? Yeah, by not walking away when I want to. But see, here's it. Here's the thing. When we're in relationship with somebody, particularly intimate, loving, relationship where we're exchanging you know, breath, and we're exchanging bodily fluids, and we're exchanging heart space intimate space together. We act like the other person doesn't know our most private intimate thoughts. And if you are an intimate contact or relationship with the person, there's certain things you don't have to say. They just know. So she knows a that you probably haven't forgiven her all the way for the cheating. She knows because I know it and I don't even know you, but the fact that you mentioned it three times tells me that it's still present in your mind. Okay, you really haven't forgiven her. And because you haven't forgiven her, oh, you're gonna make her pay. She's gonna pay for treating you that way, she's gonna pay for betraying you. She gonna pay for it. And the way she experiences that is she pays with the money, and she expects you to have a certain response that you don't have because you're making her pay. You make can her pay for what she did? Now that may not be forefront in your consciousness, but that's what's going on, and she can feel it, and she can also feel that the way she can keep you is by buying you things and giving you things. Yeah, oh yeah, I don't know how you was looking at it. I don't, I don't know. I guess how. I was always thinking like maybe I would get over it and then things would go back to you know how it was, But and then back goes my mind always because like I feel like she probably doing something pills, but there really wasn't my attention. I do want to be over it, but I don't know if I if I can while we're still together. She betrayed your trust, she violated her commitment. Why are you still in it? I tried to get out of it, we broke up, but she was heading me on and trying to get me back and like things were going to change, like she cheated on me, and I think two days later she asked me to marry her, and I was just like, you told me you didn't even want to get married, Like you're manipulating me to try to get back with me by like disrespecting me to think that you can cheat on me and then turn around and ask me to marry you, like I suppose say yeah, but you're not a victim here you're not a victim. You are a willing participant. Because here is the way to end the relationship. I want me, want me tell you how? Yes? Now? By yeah, by, and listen. I'm not advocating that you end your relationship. I'm promising you that I'm not. That's not what I'm saying. But if you're gonna be in it, you've got to tell the truth about it. I haven't forgiven you, and I am making you pack. And the way you're gonna pay is you're gonna buy me what I want. And you're dealing with the fact that she cheated. But it's not just that she cheated and meaning she was intimate with someone else. She betrayed your trust. She broke her agreement, her commitment with you. And I'm assuming that Joe had a commitment that this was going to be a monogamous relationship. So that says that this is a person who may not have the level of integrity that is important to you. Have you cheated on her, okay, So why do you want to be in relationship with a person who doesn't have integrity the same level of integrity that you have. You don't cheat, she don't cheat, and if she cheats, you're out because you compromise your integrity to stay with somebody who doesn't have integrity. You're not safe with her. You're not safe with her because you don't know when she's gonna do it again. So you're always on pins and needles wondering. That's that's a lot of work. That's a lot of work. Maybe this relationship has lived out its usefulness. Maybe it has. Yeah, I don't know. But that's the call that you have to make, yeh. And I know it's hard, and you're not a victim. She can call you all she wants, she can come on your door with roses, and all you have to do is say bye if you want to. But the need or the desire to be in a wholesome, healthy, loving, intimate relationship where you feel safe, where you can be in integrity, where your trust is valued and honored, that's gonna require you to make some choices for yourself. And it sounds like you're allowing her to make all the choices. Yeah, I know, I have some choices to make. I didn't do anything wrong, and I was justified because I didn't cheat on you. I didn't do anything wrong. You cheat. You did that. No steel selfish on my part you to allow these things to go on, even though I know that I want to be Yeah, and you don't want to spend another what three years you've been in this relationship looking over your shoulder, wondering if the person that you're committed to is going to violate your trust. So prepare yourself, think about these things, work with these things, and when you're ready, have the conversation with her. You know what, what we're doing to each other, it's not fair to either one of us. I haven't forgiven you. I am punishing you, and the way I punish you it is through your money. Now, I didn't realize that with selfish or whatever your conversation is going to be. I can't give you the words for it. But have it when you're ready. If you try to have it before you're ready, she's gonna talk you out of it because one of the hardest things to do is to let go. Yeah, but it can be done. Call me back in six weeks and let me know how you're doing. My selfish self I let my girlfriend go or we figured it out or whatever it is. Okay, okay, alright, my Darling, thank you for calling. They are smiling. It is absolutely amazing to me the lengths that people will go to deny the truth that's right in front of their face. Sometimes it's because the decision we're facing is a hard one, or maybe we just don't want to accept that we've made a mistake in the first place, or maybe we don't want to lose something familiar, something that is comfortable. But whatever the reason, if you are identifying an issue, chances are that there's an issue even deeper than the one you see, and maybe one that's even deeper than that one. But to make any type of real change, you must be able to face the truth. Truth will correct all errors. In my mind, that means be honest with yourself about how you are acting in the relationship, and then take responsibility for choosing you even if things go wrong. I am I am LA, and I thank you for listening to the our Spot. Be sure to follow me on social media for the calling times and how you can speak to me. Live right here on the our Spot to share your relationship challenges, problems, issues, dilemmas and victories. Remember, until we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces. The our Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
Social links
Follow podcast
Recent clips
Browse 118 clip(s)