Relationship Soup

Published Oct 9, 2024, 10:00 AM

In this episode of the R Spot, Iyanla gives her listeners relationship advice live on Instagram. From being too honest to teaching others how to show up for their partner, Iynala has the ingredients for the perfect relationship soup.

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Instagram & X: @IyanlaVanzant
Facebook: @DrIyanlaVanzant

I am Yambla, your host for this journey. I was a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep hearting, I finally got clear about what love is and what it is not. I want to share some of what I've learned about love a holism. Welcome to the r Side, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeart. Grand Day, Grand Day, Grand Day. How are you out there? Welcome to the special edition of The art Spot. The art Spot the place that we come to discuss relationships and investigate our relationship stories and our investigate our relationship experiences. We are here live on the art Spot today and I'm going to take your questions. I'm going to take your comments. I'm going to even invite you to be a guest. If you want to come up on the screen and talk to me, all you have to do is put it in the request and I'll see you and I'll bring you up. I want to talk about relationships today because it's coming up. You know, we're coming into the holiday season where coming out of the summer, we'll be home again, we'll be quiet again and relationships are just so challenging for us, and with all of the hooplah and conflomeration that's going on out there in the world, with the election and with everything that's going on, I want to make sure. I want to make sure that we have the skills and the tools and the information that we need to make our relationships better. Our relationship with ourself, our relationship with other people. How about our relationship with money. How about your relationship with your body? How about that? We are talking about all kinds of relationships. We're looking out in the world and we're seeing these relationships, you know. And somebody said something to me the other day that was very interesting. They said, the relationship between the two candidates that are running to be president of the United States reflects the relationships between men and women. I never even thought about that. We got a man running, we got a woman running, and there's all of this against this and competition. So that is what we are talking about. If you've got a question for me, I want you to put it in the chat, and if you want to come up on the screen and ask me a question, you can do that. What do you recommend I am ready to start dating again, but have been off the scene for five years. I suggest that you try to have fun. Don't go out dating looking for a permanent relationship. How about you have playdates? Do you know how to have a playdate? Do you just know how to go out and have some fun and be with somebody? So do that look good? Smell good? You know, it's like you're going to a buffet. All right, Taste a little bit of this, Taste a little bit of that, have a little bit, just have some fun. So very often we go out with so much seriousness in mind that we're not even fully present to the possibilities that are there for us. Go on and have some fun, have playdates. Just make sure you have birth control. Okay? Where else am I going here?

So?

Where are you and your relationships? What do you want to know about relationships? What are you thinking about relationships with? Relationships in your life are growing and thriving? And which relationships in your life are in breakdown? And how do you heal a breakdown? Listen? I have a thought that I want to share with you. Okay, you know, in our relationships what happens is we say we want someone that compliments us, and we usually pick someone that's very different than us, because opposite it's a track, right, opposite it's a track. So we attract someone who's opposite us, and we like everything about them, but because they're opposite from us, they're all so different. And when we see what's different about them than we want to change. We want them to change, to be more like us, to think like us, to want what we want, to do what we do. And if they don't, then we make up that they don't love us. How about that opposite's a track? How are you when you see something different than you, the opposite of what you are? Are you accepting? Are you tolerant? Or do you want to change it to keep yourself comfortable? That's the question we got here on the floor. Let me see what other questions that I have Tomorrow. Tomorrow eight wants to know. How can we be more open to receive love? This is how we can be more open to receive love. Learn to love yourself. Learn to love yourself. You gotta learn to love your bumps and your warts and your brilliance. You know. One of the reasons we can always find what's wrong with us, right, we can always find what's wrong with us. We're always picking on ourselves, picking our scabs and picking this and we didn't do this right, and that happened and this went bad. But we don't know how to stand fully in our greatness, in our power, stand in your power, and learn to love yourself being powerful. Somebody said, I want to be soft and pink. No, no, no, why not be bold and blue and green? How about that? Yes? How about be royal and rich. You don't have to be soft and pink if you're a woman, nor do you have to be base and black if you're a man. You can stand in your truth and your power and your glory and love yourself because you've got to know how that feels. You have to know what that is. And if you can't do it to yourself, you will misread and misjudge other people loving you. How do you open yourself to love? Spend more time with you, Spend more time with you, get to really know you. Learn how to stand in your strength in your weakness. Learn how to stand in your knowing and you're not knowing. Learn how to forgive yourself. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Everything is about forgiveness. Right now, we head an out of this eight year into a nine year out of twenty twenty four into twenty twenty five. And I'm telling you you do not want to carry resentment, bitterness, regret, remorse, sorrow, sadness, and grief. You don't want to take that into twenty twenty five. Hear me what I'm telling you? Okay, you do not, and we'll talk about that when we come back. I'm trying to accept people onto the stage. I'm trying to accept you, lamont to look for your thingy hoosy. Oh there you are?

Hi?

How are you? I'm good? How you doing?

I'm doing awesome. I love the classes. I'm happy you accepted me. Now what are you doing home in the middle of the day. So I'm a dating coach?

So I'm home doing coaching all the time, virtually.

What the heck you mean? I'm doing the arts but live and my first guest is a dating coach. Ain't God great? Ain't God great?

So the universe is connected? Yes? Yes?

So what are some tips that you, as a dating coach would give people to that wonderful question? How can we be more open to receive love? What would you say, coach?

Well, definitely, I think people sometimes don't want to put effort into it, Like we expect the other person to do all the work, to love, to court, to you know, forgive.

But it's like, hey, how am I showing up? How am I.

Making my partner feel safe, feel love, feel romantic? You know, I think people forget about the effort that we have to put into the relationship as well.

But now let me ask you, mister dating coach Lamont, because you know, maybe because I'm old, I'm og, but relationships are not just about romance and fun and feeling good. I when I talk to people about relationships, I say, what are your creating together that's gonna benefit the world? What do you create? I don't care if it's a family, a book, a store. How about just being kind? How about being demonstrations of kindness and forgiveness? What are you creating together? Because you you know what? At my age, I can only take but twelve and a half minutes of romance?

Right? I look, I totally agree.

I agree people focus sometimes in the wrong thing, But I think if you both are connected to your purpose and your mission.

And life, yes, that connects you all.

That allows you all to be able to support each other even if your purpose and your missions are totally different in life, ye, right, like one one could be like in real estate, other could be like in counseling. But you still can show up for each other and support each other right there.

Right there, right there. Wait a minute, day, didn't Coach Lamont dating Coach Lamont talk to me about how do you show up for your partner? Let's break that down into bite sized pieces right here on the art Spoint. This is a special edition of the art Spine the arm Spot Live. I'm on the street. How do you show up for your partner? Let's talk about what that is.

Yeah, well, I think you both have to figure out what are your skill sets. So if you're good at finance, if you're good at like connecting the family, Like my brother is the one that calls everybody in the family every week. He keeps the aunts, the uncles, everybody connected. So if that's what your strength is, that's what you say.

Hey, babe, I got this.

I'm gonna take care of the finances for us. I'm gonna do this Excel spreadsheet. I'm gonna make sure our bills are paid. But I need you to make sure.

You call my mom. So we don't, so.

We can go to dinner, right, Yeah, and you have to you have to make sure it's not a pissing contest.

Oh wait a minute, hold on, let's talk about a pissing contest.

Yeah.

Like, you can't be intimidated by the strengths of your partners.

Okay, good. You have to like support them, let them, like, let them.

Show up what their strengths are, and you know, give them space to do that. You know, I think, particularly for men, men like to a key.

We like to conquer.

So giving men tasks so that they can show that they're achieving something will make him stay with you and connect it with you for life.

You know.

The other way, I think that we can show up for our partners. And this is hard to learn the distinction between listening and hearing, to learn how to listen to your partner without having to have a response, and to learn how to hear your partner without taking everything personally. See, we listen with our ears to the sound that's coming in, but so very young, and I think partners listen trying to formulate a response.

Amen. Amen. I struggled with that with my husband.

You'll say something and I'll say well, what did you.

Mean to say? Like, I know you said this, but what did you really mean to say? Or what are you like? What what's the meaning behind that?

Because my stuff will get in the way and he might say a word that triggers me and I'm like, wait a minute, Lamar, wait a minute, that's your stuff, asking what he really meant so that I can listen.

Right, Okay, okay, So now mister dating Coast Lamont, the guru of relationship, they gonna do a little coaching right here. Okay, here's a here's another possibility. When he says something and you get triggered, repeat back to him, and this is for everybody. Let me tell you what I'm hearing you say. Yes, what I'm hearing you say is and if you get it twisted, they'll say, no, no, that's not what I said. But if you're honest in that moment and share what you're hearing as opposed to what he said or she said, this is for everybody, then that gives them an opportunity to clean it up. But that takes patience, and you use the very important word trigger because once we get triggered, now our hair is on fire and we're going in for the jugular and.

Then you can't hear anything else.

Now you're vulnerable in your feelings, and I will tell you you know, it takes time to be able to practice that muscle.

And it's okay to say, you know what, I may mess up.

Sometimes I might need to walk around the block and come back and have the conversation again. But it takes a level of self reflection and vulnerability to be able.

To say that's my stuffy right.

Yeah, let me say this, Coach Lamont, I am so glad you're here. But listen, let's talk about forgiveness and relationships, because I'm on this forgiveness kid. I'm a ride this forgiveness horse until the end of the year because so very often in relationships, we make mistakes, we make missteps, we do you know. And I'm not talking about tragic you know, beat you and hit you in your head, shoot you, pull a gun on you, and that kind of stuff. I'm talking about hurt your feelings, disappoint you. Talk about for a moment. I'm gonna let you go after this, talk about for a moment how important it is for partners to learn how to forgive.

Yeah.

Yeah, your partner's always going to disappoint you. I was having a conversation with somebody last night. If you expect that your partner's never gonna disappoint you in that relationship, then you might as well just stay single or marry a robot, because you know, we disappoint each other in relationships, and it's really about how do you grow through disappointment?

How do you forgive each other?

And one things I've learned is that sometimes you have to model what forgiveness looks like. So like, okay, the mistake was there, let's talk about the mistake was how did we what did we learn from that? What did you want me to do in that situation? That could have been differently? And then when I say forgive you literally forgive you, heal that hurt and you move on, Yeah, you move on. Forgiveness is about moving on and not harping on it and bringing it back up six, eight, twelve months later, because guess what, you really didn't forgive.

Yes, you just put a candate on it. That's right.

Thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you so much, Thank you for all you do.

Thank you Bye bye. Listen, Sandra, look how the universe is my first guess on the show is a dating coach and look at that and we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Okay, let me go back over here, Camille Lee. I think I've accepted your invitation, I mean your request. Look there and see if you can come up with me. Good afternoon, my beloved. How are you good? Do you have a mine?

So? I'm fine?

Thank you so much.

Good? Now you are you in the mall? Are you shopping?

Got?

Okay? Yeah? So you have a question you want to bring to the floor.

Yes I do. I'm thirty seven, if that matters. I've been married for eight years now, and me and my husband keep coming to this point where we're button heads and he will get into conflict and I'll tell him what my issue is with him.

And he'll just I can't do anything right.

I won't say anything. And the last time we got into got into it, he said that he feels like I hate our home. And I'm just like, where is this coming from?

I don't hate oh.

Say that guy?

He told me that he feels like that I hate our home and I was like no, I was like, until I tell you that that's not true. And so when I actually got him to sit down and talk to me, it seemed like I.

Hear him coming down.

I don't really want to maker, but it seemed like he was telling me that basically he doesn't feel safe with telling me his concerns because he said every time that he says something, he's punished for it. And yeah, and he's like he's been feeling this way for ten years, and he basically doesn't come to me with conflict or issues because he feels like he'll go into I can't do anything right. It's all my fault, you know. And that's kind of where we get stuck. Nothing really gets resolved, and we're just right there. And I told him I wanted to sit down and I attempted to have a clearing conversation and say, you know, I think we both have assumptions about each other. What can we do? What can I do? I don't hate our house. I'm an entrepreneur photographer, so I like to leave my house and go co work or go places that will inspire me. And I was trying to explain that to him. He was like, you must either hate the house or you hate me. That makes more sense, and for him to say that, I was like, what what do you mean?

So we just keep.

Coming right here when it comes to communication and in our relationship, and I just don't really know where to go to help him feel comfortable talking to me or telling me when he when he has issues with me. It's always me being like, hey, babe, do you mind doing this? Or do you mind doing this? But I always do my best to say how can I support you? What can I do to help you with xyz? And we're just right there when it comes to communication.

Wow, there's a lot in there. There is a lot in there at all.

Yeah.

Yeah, so he is really communicating something to you. He doesn't feel safe with you, No, he doesn't. Yeah, and it may be because of his listening.

You know.

I say this all the time, and I hear people stealing it and using it. Thank you God, men work with the three p's. Provide, provide, perform, and please provide for you. Perform for you. That means do the things that are bring a smile to your face and please you in the bed, out of the bed, around the house, put the toilets he down, take the trash out, whatever those are. The men's three p's. When they're not living into their three peas, sometimes what gets triggered in them is a level of inadequacy, and inadequacy in a man's consciousness is kryptonite. And then what he'll do is what's normal. Let me not say what he'll do. What's normal for a man to do is project it outward. Something somebody's doing makes them feel inadequate or unworthy or lack of value. So that's him. A woman's place are the three a's. Affirm, appreciate, and acknowledge. Affirm him. Yes, you know, I just love the way you walk that trash to the corner. I see your butt moving when you walk in that trash to the corner. I just get so excited. You are the best trash taker hout in the world. You are the best toilet seat. Put it down, you know. Affirm him. Men need to be affirmed from the heart of a woman. Appreciate him. Thank you so much for the way you rub my feet. Thank you so much for how you clean your platelet. Thank you so appreciation. They need to appreciate, and when we don't appreciate them, they come to the feeling that nothing they do is right, nothing they do is enough. And the other one is acknowledge. Acknowledge his greatness, acknowledges his gifts, acknowledge his talents. And you don't have to walk around like a robot saying it all the time, but you do have to practice those three a's so that he feels good about practicing his three p's. And then if there's any one of those p's where he's weak, like if you're the main provider and he's the you know he makes less than you really got to affirm thank you so much for how hard you work, and you know, so it sounds to me a that he needs more. First of all, I don't know where he is in his pleate, in his piece. Okay, he.

Provides, he provides, He takes care of all the bills. He is the main provider. I take care of like the supplementary things. And he's even taken my car note from me. He provides amazing. With that, he gets frustrated because at the end of the month he feels like he doesn't have anything to show, and he gets frustrated.

He's like, I want to pay this off. I want to pay this off.

He was very aggressive and pound of our house, and he looks at he gets frustrated by debt. He's like, I need to pay this off, and it's always weighing on him. So I try to be supportive. Have they were so fortunate to have the house we got, And you know.

Here's another possibility. Instead of you trying to be supportive, A way to affirm him is to say, how can I support you?

I do?

Okay, He'll say, as long as you're happy, just be happy.

He'll never give me.

He doesn't he but he gave it to you. He don't feel safe with you. And there's a mistake I think that women often make in relationships with men, and here it is men want to know that their thoughts are respected. So you know, we think different. Men think in headlines. We think in fine print. So he may have a headline thing and you'll say that don't even make no damn sense. But no, no, no, no no, you got to zip your lip, zip your lip, get you a chip clip, put it on your lips, and do not you know, because for us, we sense and we feel they think and sometimes what they're thinking, if we can't sense it or feel it, will dismiss it, will diminish it. Okay. You gotta be real careful with that. So here's what I'm gonna give you some and key phrases that you can start to use. When he says something that don't make no damn sense to you, say wow, tell me more about that. Tell me more about that, okay. And when he says he or you didn't do or you should do it okay, or you make me feel whatever, say okay, tell me how can I do it differently? How can I do it differently and get from him what he needs from you? And if you can do it, say okay, help me work on that. If it's something you can't do, be honest and say you know why. I'm not sure I can do that, but I can do this, okay, So tell me more about that. When he gives you an idea that you know, step up like this is not gonna be We've got to be mindful because it's so easy for us to slip in the mother ring and correction, which do I'm grown and ask man says she don't respect my thinking. He wants to know that his thinking is respected. You want to know that your feelings matter, So I guarantee you that somewhere along the line he doesn't honor, or affirm or appreciate your feelings. Would that be accurate?

I feel like he tries to.

He may not know how to, so he might have some stuff going on with him that don't have nothing to do with you. Do you love this man, dear? Are you committed to the relationship?

Yes?

I am recommend counseling, he said, yes. Okay, Well, what the hell are you calling me for a bye? What the heck? I just spent seventeen minutes with you. Go get you a counselor and get yourself together. Bye, But work with those languages and remember you're a firm acknowledge appreciate. Okay, a firm acknowledge appreciate. Okay, thank you, baby, thank you for calling. That was really good. Go get you a counselor. Hey, okay, I'm gonna try to see if I can get Ricky in here. But don't forget now to you my listeners out there. You know, ladies, you've got to remember we can't always correct. That's when we slip into mothering. You know, they say things and we want them to do it this way or that way. We can always correct sometimes we just have to let them be and it don't make no sense. Clip your lips, Go get one of them potato chip clips and put it on your mouth, and don't say another thing. Let me see if I've got another question over here? What can I do with myself to attract a man that will love me correctly? Well? I don't know what loving you correctly is? What does that mean? And why do you have to do anything to yourself? I don't know what does love you correctly mean?

See?

How about just listen? Listen? When you get out of the bed in the morning, do you worry about gravity? No, you just swing your legs over to the side of the bed, put your feet down, put your feet down, and you know gravity is gonna work. Did you know that love is the same way? Love just is? It is here, it is present. The challenge for us is how do we just be in the love? How do we just be there and experience moment by moment? You know, we go on a date and already we're getting a wedding invitations, or we meet somebody and we're looking at their social psycho history. How can you just be in the moment? How can you just be love is there. It's all the way there. The question is how you know if you've only got a little pin hole in your heart because your mama hurts you, your daddy hurts you, the first man left you the baby daddy don't pay y'all support, the people on the job don't like you. If you've only got a little pin hole in your heart, how much love can you let in? And how much love will you let out? That is the question. But our time today is over, so thank you for tuning in for the special edition of The R Spot Live. Coming to you Live, You coming to me Live. I think we may just do this again. Bye bye. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. More podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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