Relationship Autopsy: Dissecting Love’s Demise

Published Mar 6, 2024, 11:00 AM

In this week's episode, Iyanla conducts relationship autopsies, uncovering their true cause of death. Two callers share their heartbreaking stories: one ignored red flags and ended up in jail due to her partner's abuse and deception, while the other exposes the struggles of an 18-year marriage on life support since its inception. Tune in as Iyanla expertly diagnoses the underlying issues and offers prescriptions to clean up the wounds that threaten to tear relationships apart or attract the wrong people all together.

Do you want to be on the podcast? Follow Iyanla on social media for the latest call-in information!
instagram & twitter: @‌IyanlaVanzant
facebook: @‌DrIyanlaVanzant

I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent time in a relationship with a married man. I had to learn the skills and tools required to make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Great Day, Great Day, Great Day. Welcome to the R Spot. I am your host, your guide, your support for today as we take a look through, a look at, a look over all things relationships and today we are doing something very interesting. You know, medical professional or the coroner will perform an autopsy after a death to determine what caused the end of the life. Now, this information can be very helpful and determining whether it was foul play, if there was a potential disease on the loose, if there was poison, if the death resulted from arson, homicide, murder. It can be very interesting to kind of pinpoint the exact moment and cause of a death. Now, of course, in a physical death, that's a very very serious matter. But today we're talking about the death of relationships. What is it that caused a relationship to end? Because, like a person, a relationship is a living, breathing thing, and they are our lives involved. And when a relationship is over, we grieve, we mourn, sometimes we act out. But today we're going to do a relationship inventory so that we can find out what brought this living thing to the end, what brought the end of the relationship, And we're going to do some autopsies to see if we can determine how these relationships met their demise. We're going to examine to see if there was a cause, if there was an issue, and if there was a culprit. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the R spot. I understand that you have a relationship that's no longer with you and you would like to do an autopsy trying to understand the cause of the demise. So tell me. Tell me about the end of your relationship.

Well, the end of my relationship. It really ended with me being in jail last Christmas, away from my three children. Oh Lord, after I was assaulted by one he choked me. I called the police for help and somehow I ended up in handcuffs, And to this day I'm still upset.

About me and somehow you ended up in What does that mean? Somehow you ended up in handcuffs.

They asked him what happened, and I gave my version of the story, which was what happened. We were having a discussion and kind of argued a little bit, and he ended up jumping on top of me and choking me, telling me he was going to end my life. So I ended up calling nine one one and he left the home, and then he came back a little later and they interviewed him, and I finally saw exactly what he told them when I got the body cam footage. But he told them that we were arguing and when he tried to get up and leave, I scratched him, and he had scratches on his arm, of course, because when I was being choked, I was trying to get away from him. So they came placed me a handcuff on December twenty second of last year, and I spent four nights in jail, missing Christmas.

Oh my god, was that the first time that y'all had fought?

A month before? That was the first time we were arguing. I was standing about three steps off the porch and he pushed me, and that was the first time he had put hands on me. And I was very shocked about that, and I didn't leave, but I also stayed through a whole bunch of mess. So my story could go on for another hour if I had time.

But do you understand that by the time he put his hands on you, the relationship was already over.

Yes, ma'am, I understand that. Now we've been always from each other for a year now or so.

Okay, was this your husband or no?

It was not my husband. One who jumped in my DM on social media, real polite and presenting himself in such a way where I felt for the representatives.

How long were you together?

Fifteen months?

Fifteen months? Yes, and you're talking about you went through a lot of a lot of stuff. Oh, do tell spill the tea, girls, spill the tea.

I mean, in the very beginning, it was it was nice, you know, everything was what I wanted it to be. I was almost feeling like it was too good to be true type thing. And you know, one night his doorbell rang and there was a woman there, and he stayed down there and talked for a minute, and I ended up going, you know, checks he what was going on, and I went back upstairs and I said I was leaving but I ended up staying with him foolishly because we had just started dating, so it was like a month, and so I said, Okay, I'm gonna just let it lie this with someone who you used to talk to, and she just showed up. I let it go, and I shouldn't have, because just things continued, from him talking to other women, talking about me to other women, sending nudes of himself to other women. I mean he tried to solicit a prostitute one time. Yes, wait a.

Minute, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up? And what does that mean? He tried to solicit a prostitute? What does that mean?

From what I saw, I don't think it actually happened. But he had gone out of town for just twenty four hours, and when he came back, he asked me to get his phone and order us some food if he fell asleep. So he fell asleep and I go to start ordering food. But I decided that I'm going to go and check his text messages, and when I look, i'd feel like twice is being thrown out, and I'm like.

What are you looking for? How much?

So I'm thinking he trying to buy some weed or something. I don't know, and then I look at four o'clock in the morning, and so I see that. The person says, you know, I hope you don't mind, but I'm a midget. And he says, I'm fine. And there's a picture that sent and what wait.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. You drop all of this these tea bags in my lap and you just keep on going.

Yes, it's a little person.

I'm not laughing, Yes I am.

I mean I'm laughing now because I can't. I can do that now. So it's okay.

If other people last a month.

And you saw signs of a disease, yeah, yeah, mm hm, and you continued on, that's like you know, somebody has the measles and you go lay up in the bed with them.

Yeah.

So you said a month in you saw the first red flag.

Mm hmm.

Beloved, the cause of the death of this relationship was an untreated illness. Yeah, you saw that early on and continued to act like it wasn't a fever.

I want to look back now. I get very angry at myself for a lowing No, no, that's not angry.

Here's the question. What were you trying to get and what did you settle for? What were you really trying to get?

I was trying to get a man who loved and appreciated me for me, and that's what he presented, just very early on. But then he would you know, these things would happen, and I just kept making excuses for them, and so I ended up settling for someone who treated me well sometimes and treated me like crap most of the time.

So you wanted a man who loved and appreciated you a month and he didn't. Yeah, but a month in you knew that. So this relationship died from an untreated illness. But the illness is yours, not his. He was just doing what he do.

Right.

The question becomes what inspired you motivated you to dishonor your intuition to disregard what you knew and felt to be true. Was it a fear that he was the last one that you couldn't have what you wanted. There's a lesson in there for you that sent you to therapy. This relationship is not what sent you to therapy. The disappointment in yourself for choosing him is probably what sent you to therapy.

I agree.

So where are you now.

Right now? I'm in a very healthier mental space. I'm not dating. I don't want to date. I'm still, you know, trying to figure myself out, learning my boundaries and learning what I will tolerate and what I won't. Of course, you know, men approach me all the time, and even the slightest little bit of disrespect in them trying to even talk to me, and I'll just stop talking to them all together. So I'm just I'm very respect from me, distrust me. I feel like a man is disrespecting me when he's trying to talk to me. And I'll just use an example as a guy that did this to me. We were having a general conversation about just regular stuff. I think at one point we were talking about our kids, and then out of the blue, he just says, send me some masturbation pics or videos.

I know you have some. Okay, that's not disrespectful, that's inappropriate.

Yeah, well inappropriate, but I thought it was disrespectful towards me, and so I just I told them that both of those things.

No, you know, guys are going to push and you know, we live I don't know how old you are, but we're living in a real different time. Those kinds of things go along with the social media and the quick hit. But you may be throwing away, you know, a nice piece because you're all adjusting to different places. There's another way to possibly deal with that.

Mm hmm.

I guess for I mean, I can agree with that. I guess for me, I just felt like, I don't. I don't. I don't want to engage in that type of conversation. And I was very adamant about that, you know, when we first started speaking, you know, I just I just didn't feel like when I when I hear someone say that to me, I just initially think that all they're thinking about is wanting to have sex with me. And that might be true, yeah, but I just feel like it's the time to do that. And very early on, in like two weeks of speaking to me, I just don't. I don't appreciate it. So I just won't talk to them anymore.

Well, why couldn't you say to him, tell me why you think it's appropriate. Well, you to say that to me, and you hardly know I did.

I said that.

I said that almost he just he laughed off and said he was just joking, which I know a lot of guys do that. Whenever you don't respond to what they're throwing out if they want to say as a joke. And I just told him, you know, I don't feel it was a joke, and don't joke with me that way. You know, I was very I was trying to communicate to him in a way to let him know that what he said offended me. I asked him why he would think that I would be receptive to that, and he just kind of kept laughing at off. So then I already knew that, Okay, you won't even try to understand where I'm coming from.

So well that the fact that he was laughing, that's disrespectful because he should have. If he didn't take the clue that he had somehow offended you, then he's off the mark. Back to mister push you off the porch. He was a symptom, not a cause. We'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's pick up where we left off. I'm doing this autopsy and so I'm gonna up open you up. I'm doing it on you, okay, even though I'm doing it on the relationship. So I'm gonna open you up. And what I see, oh, in the heart valves. There's some sadness that hasn't really been addressed. There's some trust stuff that hasn't really been addressed. That's kind of infecting. Yeah, it's just the pancreas over here. Yeah, maybe it's the liver. Oh okay, Oh I see, Oh I got some worth issues over here. M hmm yeah, worth, trust and sadness. There's a heartbreak that you have that you never ever dealt with. You learned how to move on, but that thing has been what what is that word that they use, it's it's been in there festering for a long time. Does that make sense to you? Yes? I am. Oh, so what happened was because you hadn't dealt with those things and they metastasized and you're trying to live beyond them. But I want to encourage you to go back to the first heartbreak. Now I'm not clear just looking at your pancreas in your heart and your living those kinds of things. I'm not clear if they broke your heart or if you broke their heart. But between the sadness, the trust, and the worth issues, there's a long, hard vein of unforgiveness. Makes sense? Yes, So this mister push you off the porch. He just came to kick it up so that you could see it. Clean it up, get a clean bill of relationship health so that you can go on and get what it is that you den'sire, which is a man who loves and respects you just as you are for who you are. He wasn't the problem. He wasn't this was he was a learning tool. Mm hmm. Because you can't have what you want the man who's gonna love him, accept and respect you. You're going to keep attracting these gutter snipes who want masturbation pictures, you know, until you clean up the sadness to trust and the worst and unforgiveness of clean that up for you.

How old is that wound?

How old is that wound?

Uh have of my whole life?

You have children?

I have three, two daughters and the son.

And how are your daughters doing?

Oh?

My lord, yes, I know. That's why I asked the question.

They're good kids, they're good girls. They're just they're getting into things and trying to find their way, and I'm trying to, you know, keep them on a path that does not involve self destruction. So I'm working on that their dad is present, but I pretty much take care of everything. So and that's a lot, especially because they're teenagers. My daughters are seventeen and fifteen, and then my son is thirteen, and I don't really know how to deal with him because he's a boy.

All right, I want to give you your prescription, okay, because if we did this autopsy, I got to tell you my findings. Okay, you have an untreated You have an untreated illness of sadness, trust and unworthiness mm hmm. That has metastasized and is infecting your desire to be a loving, intimate, rest, respectful, safe, safe partnership with somebody. Safety is a thing for you too. Yes, So I want you to go get a copy of Forgiveness forty days to forgive everyone for everything, and it's going to help you forgive thoughts, forgive beliefs, forgive people, particularly your mom and dad, and forgive yourself. You can do an exercise every day. It could take you forty days to get through that book, or it could take you four years. It really depends, okay, And my discharge instructions for you and you sit you in the relationship, er get your focus off of that relationship. That thing is that was just a false read. And really talk with your therapist if you're still in therapy about the sadness, yeah, and the worth stuff. Really talk with him about Okay, you know, go back and tell that story where your heart first got broken, because that's what you're carrying. Okay, So take your medicine and no dating some of this malignancy cleared out.

I agree.

I am not dating.

No, and I'm not telling you four or five years. I'm talking, you know, until you get some of this malignancy cleaned out. And what's malignant in you is the belief that you can't have what you want. That's what you're spreading, the belief that you can't have what you want. And it goes all the way back to that first heartbreak. I think it may have been more than one, but yeah, so go back there and do that.

Okay, Okay, thank you so much.

Okay, thank you, my love, thank you, Okay, bye bye. So often we focus on the symptoms and either treating or ignoring them, that we forget to look for the cause of the illness or the root of the infection. And untreated illnesses, untreated diseases, untreated hurts and wounds, they will attract partners that will trigger them up, that will stick their finger right into the very thing that hurts you. So the key here is doing a relationship autopsy is very important because you want to understand what little kooties could be hiding in the crevices of your mind and your heart. You want to clean that bacteria out, what happened before, what hurts you before, what you thought about before, what they did to you before, Clean that bacteria out so that you don't attract people who will trigger those things up. Oh, I think it's time to do another autops Greetings and welcome to the R spot. We are doing relationship autopsies today. So I understand you have a relationship that is no longer with you. Yes, how did the thing die?

Well, if I'm being honest, it died a long time ago. But the final straw for me was a few months ago. He made the decision that he was going to leave his nine to five job and go to school. And I was very concerned about that because we had just gotten back into a place where we were on top of our bills and our financial responsibilities, and I myself had just started a new job, and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle the full responsibility of the finances if he left his job to go to school. Now, he had the option to go to school on the weekends and still work during the week, but he wanted to go during the week, so, you know, we argued about it back and forth, and I guess finally I just said, well, dude, you're going to do whatever you want to do now. He did make a promise that he would pick up another side gig, like an Amazon Flex type of job, and he would do that to supplement the income so that we can continue to pay the bills on time. And he did that for a few weeks, and then slowly he stopped doing that. I never seen the certification of him actually finishing school. And this is the type of thing that happened throughout the eighteen years of our relationship on and off.

Yes, eighteen years, yes, ma'am.

And you said, how long ago did it die? This dead thing laying around yea from year, one year, ten year, when did it actually die? Take a breath and ask yourself, I know my relationship died.

When I know my relationship died when I realized in the first year that he had no and was not willing to really have a connection with my mine. My son at that time was a year old when we first got together. Now connection with your son, no real connection, no, no nurturing in the way that a man or a father is supposed to be with a child. And I blame myself because I noticed.

No blame, no blame, no blame. Okay, let's not blame, because that's not helpful, and that is that is going to increase the disease. Okay, and living in a dead thing for eighteen years.

I have my.

Inquiry, and it's curiosity, not to beat you up.

Okay.

My inquiry is, why would you stay with a man who had no connection with your son? What did you tell yourself?

Well, I told myself that as long as he wasn't physically abusing my child or sexually abusing my child, and you know that it was okay. As long as I could trust him with my child, as far as the abuse part of it was concerned, then we could work on everything else. You know, we could work on building a relationship between him and my son. And I tried many times and It just never seemed to connect. It never really happened.

Well, what about emotional abuse? Because to not be wanted? And if he was there, it was your son's father in his life. No, so the father wasn't in his life bring this man into his life with no heart to heart, soul to soul connection. Did you consider that as emotional abuse? I wanted to be rejected, to be discounted, to be diminished.

No, I didn't. I didn't know that that was considered emotional abuse until later years when I realized that not only was it emotional abuse for my son, but there was emotional abuse towards myself as well.

So we'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back to the art spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You stayed in a dead thing for seventeen years. What did that look like? Spill a tea, girl, What did that look like?

There was a lot of break up and getting back together.

Instability. That's that's a cause of death. Instability. Go ahead?

What else he had proposed to me? Three times? And the first two times I.

Told no, lack of lack of commitment, that's a cause of death. I had. What else?

I just I was always on the inside feeling like I deserve more, that I wanted more, and that I wanted something different.

Settling for less than you want, settling for lessen that's a that's a disease that will rock the thing from the inside out. Settling for less than you want? Mm hmm, what else? Go ahead?

And I feel as though anything that he did, little or small would trigger me to say spiteful things or to get into some type of an argument with him.

And lord, you wasn't infected by the foul lip monster. Yes, when a woman lets the foul lip monster bite her lip, oh my lord, that's just gonna spread disease everywhere.

I told myself that, you know, it would get better, and there would be times where it would be better for a little while, but it was always temporary. I feel as though I became lazy and complacent within the relationship. I would allow things that I should have spoke up about. I would let him go and I wouldn't say anything about them, and it would just.

Like disability such as such as what come on, spility, come on with Jina? We down in the nerves. We got to do this autopsy. We got to look at every cell, every atom, every more organ, every tissue, every muscle, spillity, go ahead, what you'd let go?

Let go of the things that he would do that I would forewarn him about prior to and let him know that, you know, this is going to affect us. And I would still go along with him making those bad decisions, and then you know, I would have to be the person to clean it up, and then I would be mad at him and we would you know, argue and fight about that. I didn't speak up about the way that he did his own children outside of our relationship. I noticed that he was not connected to any of his children out So he had three children outside of our relationship prior to our relationship, and I tried to get him involved with them, and he wouldn't, and you know, it was always some type of excuse or he would always shut me down and I would let that go. There were so many things that I would let go him, you know, getting fired from jobs or quitting jobs, or lying about going to work and not really going to work, even though I would know that he was lying, and I wouldn't say anything, and I would let it go, or I would wait until it built up and then I would say something, I would explode and there would be an emotional heaviness on me and I would have to release it and tell him what was going on. But by then he seemed to be really unaware of what was going on, because time had passed and things had went on, and I guess he thought everything was okay. There were so many things that I lied to myself about. I lied to myself about the fact that I was happy in the relationship when I wasn't happy.

Wow.

Wow, Wow, you are really really clear about the depth of the disease that infected and killed this relationship. I want to go all the way back to the beginning eighteen years ago, when you recognized.

That he.

Couldn't connect with your son, or didn't connect with your son, and you stayed in the relationship someplace in you, maybe between your little toe and your other toe, or maybe on your lower eye lid, right under there where the lashes are little, teeny fine lashes. Yes, were you trying to make him into what you wanted him to represent, which was a father for you? Okay?

Yes?

So did you ever accept him for who he was? I mean, did you respect him? Did you require him to be responsible. Were you just trying to you? Did you did respect him?

I did.

Well before you put your foot in your mouth and then you have your toe stuck between your teeth. You're telling me you respected a man that you live with, share the bed with, share a home with, who wouldn't connect with your son. You respected a man who didn't connect with his children and who didn't connect with your son. You respected him.

Well, I guess what I should be saying is that I was respectful to him, now that you have put it in.

Except me, except when the file lip monster got you and you said vindictive little things. When your file lip monster got you, then you lost.

Okay, yes, yes, correct, So in actuality, I didn't respect him, and I didn't realize that during the relationship. I really didn't. I didn't realize until this very moment when you mentioned that that I didn't respect him.

Well, let me just say this, beloved, clutch your pearls. This is pearl clutching die. Not that you didn't respect him, It's that you didn't respect yourself. Yes, didn't respect yourself as a woman, didn't respect yourself as a mother. Because one of the most blessed and complicated relationships there can be. It's a relationship between a mother and a son. And you allowed into your life. You allowed into your life a man who didn't respect the fruit of your wound that you gotta sit in that doesn't have any you know. This relationship was.

Still born, yes, da, yes, but that grew.

From your the death of something in you. Yes, the death of something in you, because you can only give what you have. I'd be interested to know what your your self talk. You said was a bunch of lives. It's going to get better. I'm happy and I'm not. I can do this and I'm you know, so that's disrespectful. So he just showed you what you've done to yourself. Oh what a blessing. Wow, thank him?

M yes, wow.

It doesn't sound like you ever from the moment you said year one, when you recognize he didn't connect with your son. Yes, so so you just stayed around. I can't even call you a vampire because you wasn't even sucking. I thought nothing what you was doing? What a powerful learning opportunity. Look what you have set up for yourself.

Yep.

So this autopsy is on a still birth. Wasn't dead. It was kept the law. It was on life support. It's life depended on you, and you had an unclear intention about why you wanted it to live. Yeah, it was on a respirator. It was on that heart thingy that goes up. It was making all kinds of noises and whistles.

And yes, So.

What a powerful learning experience because you never healed the break from you and your son's father and the shame of that, the guilt of that, whatever was present. You just took that into the relationship. So my prescription for you, beloved, is to go back there and heal that up. Really look at that. But I really want to encourage you, my beloved, to go back and clean that up. Go back in your heart and your mind and clean that up.

I don't even know if I know how to do that.

Forgiveness, yes, uh huh. And you so you know, I have lived a life where I've denied my intuition and I forgive myself. I've lived a life where I didn't believe I could have what I want, and I forgive myself. This is all about forgiveness. Were you It really is? And I stayed with the man that I knew wasn't right for me. Because I didn't believe I could have what I wanted.

And I forgive myself.

Yeah, And I've taken my son through an unhealthy manhood experience that could effect him. And I forgive myself.

Yes, I forgive myself.

Yeah.

What else would you forgive yourself? For my love?

I forgive myself for not leaving and myself that I could, that I could be what I wanted to be, do what.

I wanted to do, Yes, and have what you wanted to have. And my my discharge instructions for you is to get a divorce.

Yes, Yes, get a divorce.

Forget separation because you all have a history of separating and going back together, but you're not going. This thing is on life support.

Pull a plug, yes, ma'am.

Pull the plug, because there's nothing here that can be resurrected, nothing except your faith and trust in yourself and the belief that you can have what you want that can be resurrected.

Yes, ma'am, and I have started on that journey. I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to speak with you.

You know, our heart, and particularly our heart as women, has so much grace and mercy. It will never give us or take us in the situations that we're unprepared for. And everything that you've been through, lived through, done in these eighteen years is exactly what you needed to do to bring you to this moment, to come home to yourself, to be able to do the work to move yourself to the next level. You're gonna be all right, That's what Todd Dribbitt said. Wow, were gonna be all right.

Yes, thank you so much, Thank you, my love.

You have a good day too.

Okay.

You can only give what you have and you can only receive what you give. And when we do not allow ourself to know the truth, to tell the truth, it is going to be hard to find truth in a relationship. And sometimes we don't tell the truth because we don't know what to do about it. So since we don't know what to do about the truth, we act like the truth doesn't exist. That's a death blow to any relationship, the relationship with yourself, the relationship with other people. Not telling the truth, not acknowledging the truth, not embracing the truth, will put your relationship on life support. And sometimes the only way to pull a plug is to tell the truth. And you know, sometimes people are on a respirator and forever, and they pull a plug. They think the person's gonna die, and they don't. If you can tell the truth, pull a plug on the denial, the resistance, the self abuse, whatever else you want to call it, pull a plug on that. And if that relationship is supposed to live, it will. I hope that you know something now that you didn't know. When you're tuned in, and until we meet again, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

No

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
Social links
Follow podcast
Recent clips
Browse 118 clip(s)