Prioritizing You In The Mess

Published Mar 29, 2023, 10:00 AM

Iyanla’s latest caller has a lot going on – she’s currently pregnant and asked her husband for a divorce, but on top of that, she’s also lost her dream job and has been struggling financially. But the problem really comes to the forefront when Iyanla askes her… “What do you want?” This week on The R Spot, Iyanla deep dives into admitting when you’ve made a mess of things, and her secret solution toward getting back onto the right path.
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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins

Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani

Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight

I am a Yngler, your host for this journey. I was a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is and what it is not. I want to share some of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. You know, sometimes we have a mess in our life, and we make it more difficult than it needs to be. We look everywhere, we're trying to find a solution, and in the worst case scenario, we get busy trying to fix the pieces of the mess that we think are most important. I have a simple solution for a mess that I'm going to tell you about later. It's called a two am walk. But in the meantime, the question I want us to look at is how do you fix a mess? How do you fix a mess? Because sometimes we find ourselves in a mess, a mess of our own, making a mess that we have difficulty owning, a mess that we have difficulty looking at. We make ourselves busy dealing with this piece or that piece. When the truth is, we are a mess. And if you're a mess, you will not be able to clean up a mess. Because when there's a mess in your life, when there's a mess in your relationship, when there's a mess in your mind, when there's a mess in your heart, you got to prioritize. I'm going to talk to my guests about that today, how to prioritize your mess. Welcome beloved, Thank you for your time today, Thank you for calling me our spot. Now, what is your relationship issue, challenge, dilemma that we're going to chew on together today. Hi, I'm gonna thank you for taking my call. My dilemma, or I would say challenge, would be my anxiety of my life at the moment. Tell me more absolutely, about three years ago, when you did your first round of courses, I joined and I removed myself because I thought myself in a dream job opportunity. I quit my job, I joined your class. I worked on my chakras, and I got a call from a really good agency in Chicago, or government agency, and I took the job. You know, I was pregnant and I was happy, and I took on a lot of I gave first and my child. I was in school working on my parent legal certificate and my degree, and in the middle of that, my marriage seemed to have had a challenge where we were financially challenged. Essentially, I'm adding more to my plate. And fast forward to last year. I found myself a really great second job at a college and it paid well and helping to subside the income that my husband was not able to provide anymore. And that position got pretty stressful for me, and I had been in situations where I had to pick my primary job over my secondary, and so I had to quit. I noticed that my daughter, who I put first and most of anything that I did, you know, it took a back seat, and my wifely duties seem to have slid. And here I am in a place where I'm having these anxieties of my life to say, I don't know how to continue to hold on to what I still have, or how to keep pushing through these things and even with the small other things like family, friends and relationships that comes behind. But my primary focus is my main dish, my entree. I am so glad that you mentioned food, because everything you told me is just like a souper. I got carrots, potatoes, neckbones. So I have no clue on what the issue is because you've told me a lot. You've told me about two jobs. You told me about a dream job, told me about the second job. You told me about adding to the plate. You told me husband not able to provide. You told me something about a primary job. So I'm I can imagine you're confused, because I'm totally confused. So let's see how we can deconstruct this. Okay, in ten words or less, if you had to state what your greatest challenge is today, what would you say? My greatest challenge is one. My greatest challenge today is being there for me. Being there for me. Tell me what that means. Well, I do apologize. I get some journalism so I can articulate a little better, But no worries, no worries to best describe it. I've been all work and no play since I found out that I've been pregnant in two thousand and twenty. There hasn't been any extra money for me to take care of myself as a woman, all of my sons. My entire paycheck, as soon as it hits my direct depositans either going to its rent bills or something my daughter needs, or something that the car needs, or or something that I have to supply for. And I have once, I have things I want to do. I do want to progress in my legal career, but I also have these aspiring dreams that I want to do as well, you know, like start a business, but there is no time for me, and the anxiety of how do I continue to maintain it without breaking myself down or falling into the pattern or habits that I've seen around me. I don't know how to continue to maintain my strength during this season from me. And I read your book about being in the valley, and I did some basement digging. I did, and I found those skeletons, and I thought that, okay, I can work my way up to the first floor and do some more cleaning and clearing. But I'm realizing I've never purchased any of these furnitures for myself, and okay, so if I could take all that you just said that you are carrying all the weight. Does that make sense? Yes, ma'n. Would that be accurate? Yes? Man? So are you still married at the moment. Yes. Earlier on the first I asked my husband for a divorce, and on the fifth I found out that I was pregnant. So you're pregnant now eight weeks now, okay, and you're carrying all the weight. I heard you say earlier that your husband is not able to provide. Is that still accurate, yes, ma'am. Not to make the excuse for him. He is able. He's an educated man, he's working on his doctorate's degree. Is just he's going through his season. However, his season. I didn't expect it to last for this long, which would roughly be about four or five years now, and I see the effort. I could be very selfish and say that it's not enough, but the effort is there, nonetheless. So for the past four or five years, you've been carrying all the weight. Is that what I'm hearing you say? Yeah, slear okay, and now you're tired, yes, ma'am. So this is a conversation. If you're partnered or married, you know this is a conversation you need to have with your partner with some real, clear and specific requests. I hear you say that you want time for me, but all of this has been for you. For you. You have felt responsible to take care of your family, provide for your daughter, make sure those things are taken care of. All of that is for you if you're talking about individual me time where you can go to the spa or have a vacation or whatever. In terms of your education and your career and those things, those things just need to be prioritized. But what I'm hearing under all of this is that you're in a marriage, and it sounds like maybe I'm wrong. I'm always willing to be wrong, that you're discontent being in the marriage where you're carrying all the weight and your partner isn't contributing, and now you're exhausted and pregnant. So some of the marriage things have been going on, but other things that need to be in the marriage aren't going on. Am I getting this right? That's very correct. So what is the conversation you're having with your husband about I get you going for your PhD, but this is not working, it's not working. What is that conversation? Well, I try a gentle approach, whereas you know, I would suggest hey, look at this job, or he tries to work his business, so I'll suggest hey, maybe go out to these mixers and try to make connections here or do this, and I get pushed back sometimes and sometimes he tries to do these things. But I would say, if I could, I have a I have a different kind of hustle than him, you know. Um, And and he's just not He doesn't have that same drive that I would put into it if I was in his position, or I feel that I would have. Does your husband wear glasses? Yes, yes, ma'am oh, because it's clear to me that he can't see. That's very clear. Okay, he cannot see that you are working yourself, you know, to to death here and you know he's looking in the other direction. So let's take a whole other approach here. What do you want? What do you want? I want to now that I have some sort of financial stability in my life in a career, is that I want to work on I want to work on my goals and my dream now. I want to work on me mentally. I want to grow my spiritual self. I want to get back to doing your class, but less off, you know. And it's quite hard when I literally have every single day or any minute planned out, or if I'm not at work and then I'm doing some sort of foubering to help socide income, or I have to come home and try to figure out food or if I'm getting food or cooking food, or you know, I don't have time to clean, so I have to hire help to clean, or as you know, my husband to try to help clean, and that doesn't get done, I still have to do it myself. Any guy that's wanted, I have a solution for you, and you are probably not going to like it, are you okay? We'll do it right after this break. Welcome back to the art spot. Here's where I'm stuck because you're carrying all the weight you're talking about, you know, the lack of support by by your partner. Because I'm not going to say a husband, that's not a husband, because a husband's job is to provide. So if he's not providing, he's not protecting, he's not taking care of you. He's a partner, maybe not an equal partner, clearly, but he's not a husband. So you're really a single woman. You need to be clear about that. You have somebody else using your toilet paper and you have to set another plate at the table, but you're you're you're not in a marriage. I don't. I don't know what that is, and you haven't asked me about it, so I'll leave that alone. But I hear you saying you want to take care of me, and then I hear you say you're a week's pregnant, so that's an impossibility, beloved, you getting ready to have a newborn. And how old is your other child? You're scoring on two in April two, so you've got a two year own. And anybody who's had children know that from two to five you just do the best you can and keep your hair from falling out, because that's, oh my goodness, that's a lot, okay, And if you work, I'm sure you need childcare, so that has to be handled. And then now you're getting ready to have another baby. So even your care and concern for yourself, your physical health, your mental health, your emotional health has to be focused on you providing the best host environment for this life growing inside of you. But then once that life gets here, the next five years are going to be focused on you structuring, nurturing, nourishing, growing up that life. So metime, you know, other than a few hours or a few days, or if you can get somebody the babysits. That's not gonna happen right now. So you wanting it, needing it, desiring it, I understand, But we got to prioritize us. And I'm encouraging you to prioritize it as though you were a single woman. Yes, you know, some choices need to be made here. And see, I'm old school. I'm old school, and I'm hardcore, and I'm from Brooklyn. If I had somebody sitting in my house who was not contributing when they put their legs under my table, the plate would be empty. But that's just me. That's just me. And you may not want to create that kind of upheaval in your home because you are carrying a life. That is your first priority to keep your mind, your heart, your body as finely tuned as possible so that that life that you are hosting will get here because you're feeding that baby and right now it sounds like you're feeding stress and unhappiness, anxiety. The baby is receiving all of that. Does that make sense to you? Correct? And I noticed as an issue. And this is where I'm coming to you because it's I need help on how to change this around. And I'm aware of what you said about my marriage. I am very aware. It's just right now. I have to put that on the back of burner because I know that what's inside of me and my mentor my ability to continue forward is more important right now. So do you have a support team? Mom's sister girlfriend? What does your support team look like? My mom and I are pretty estranged and I'm working on dating her um when she's ready. When she's ready. Okay, so put that out. We don't have mom. What who else is on your support team? My father is there. I have an adult relationship with him, but he's here. He's going through his own struggles as well. I'm pretty much I don't share a lot of things, and that may be an issue too. I have an aunt that I tend to talk to a lot, and she's very on board with, you know, me making the transition into you know, moving on and things like that. But you know, I attend to not let her in too much, just because she can be quite opinionated. So you've told me everybody you don't have for support, So I'm assuming you don't have the support team because not mommy is not daddy and you're not letting aunty in and husband is trying to get a PhD. Okay, So when you go to work, what do you do for childcare? Um? Well, I work in alternative schedule, so I'm usually at work between that and night and ate am, which is pretty good. Okay, all right? And what do you do in the daytime? Well, um, once I get off work, I'm either still working trying to figure out how to uber her, or taking care of my daughter and spending that little time with her, or trying to get my house straightening together. M You know, So what I can offer you now now is because it seems to me I could be wrong that you have really dug yourself into a hole here. So we've got to look at some simple steps that you can climb out. And the way we're going to do that, a way I can offer you to do that is you've got to prioritize. So when you say me that you want to be there for you, the simple things that you can do because you are expecting is your diet, your rest, and your exercise, diet, red exercise, and your spiritual foundation, your spiritual work, your spiritual practice. Those are the things that you can do right now in the environment that you're in, in the situation that they're in. We can't talk long term right now to getting a law degree, and we can't talk about that. We've got to deal with what's first on the table. So how do you deepen or expand your spiritual practice? How do you engage or make some consistent steps toward exercise? How do you increase enhance your diet, and how do you ensure that you're getting good rest because that's for you, but it's also for the baby. That's how you can be there for you right now. I want to say this to you, and I know it's going to sound crazy, but if money is your only problem, then you really don't have a problem. Money is not going to solve your problem. You're thinking and the condition of your heart it's what's going to solve your problem. So on that list of priorities with spiritual practice, diet, rest, and exercise, we gotta put some happy. You have to prioritize happy because happy thoughts will give you more energy. Happy thoughts will lift you up. And little happy, I'm not talking about being happy. Little happy. So if it's a gratitude journal, if it's watching the television show that makes you happy. I don't know. You gotta find some happy because the stress of worrying about money is sucking your energy. Tell me what you hear me saying. Tell me what you hear me. Doesn't matter what words you use. I just want to know what you are hearing. Absolutely, I'm hearing that you're telling me that in order to be there for me, I need to prioritiside how I'm doing things in my life, including my diet, my rest, my exercise, my spiritual practices, and build on little moments of happiness and start a gratitude journal. Yes, yeah, okay, you know. And it's hard to be happy when you've got, you know, somebody you're looking at who's watching you self combust and they're not helping. I know, I don't understand. And I hear you say you want financial stability, but you can't get that with a stressed out mind and upset heart. You just can't. You can not. And I add that I think that this and this is just me rediscovering this from my childhood. I would when I lived with my mom, I would find a lot of issues that would be financial issues, which is rather if I got evicted from my home, or the lights will be off and things like that, And I think that experiencing those things as a child creating my adulthood anxiety for those things. So so I think when you said that if money's my problem, that's not the issue. I think the issue is my situation is creating me the anxiety that I'm feeling. I'm probably retraumatizing myself in a way trying to prevent that. Well, the trauma is driving you, not that you're retraumatizing. You never neutralize the trauma. Instability in the childhood creates trauma. Neglect in her childhood creates trauma. And so if that trauma is alive and active, anytime anything looks like, sounds like, smells like what created the trauma, it just rises to the surface and takes over. So you expect to struggle, even though you're doing everything not to struggle. You expect to struggle because that's what you know. Does that make sense? Yes? Man? Yeah, all right, let's talk about these priorities. And it didn't. It has not passed me that you said you asked your husband for a divorce and then found out you were pregnant. So I guess you stopped the divorce because you're pregnant. Yes, was that your reasoning? It was a reasoning. Um, now, um unpacked just slightly. You know, I've he's done some things that made me check out the marriage. So I've I've raged war on that on those actions that he did. So all of the hot meals that I used to cook, I was true my food, um, my, my intimacy, I was true from him. And you know, how did you get pregnant? I can hear you. You know it's you know, it's um you know, makeup sex, I guess. And I was a little reckless with that with my um odulation cycle. Um, and what I didn't share me and my husband we had a split for two years before I had my first daughter. And once we celebrate our anniversary and we were considering moving back together. You know, I found out that I was pregnant from you know, celebrating our anniversary and that was pretty much how we ended up getting back together from that, and you know, and yeah, I know it's a lot. I find it interesting that you say you want to be there for me, and then as a woman, one of the things you don't do is protect yourself. Yeah, because engaging in activities that add an additional responsibility to your life without protecting yourself. That's that's not very self supportive. Because if you're in a marriage with the man who can't provide for you, doesn't provide for you. You've got one child, now you're gonna have two, but you're staying in the marriage. Now there's going to be three people he's not providing for and you're gonna have to watch that. You're participating in it. And I'm not saying you shouldn't at all, but like I said, you should really start thinking of yourself as a single woman. If you have to carry all the weight and you have to do anything and anything that's contributed, you can consider it a gift. But you can't stay in this knowing what it is and complain about it. It's your choice. These are choices that you've made and you have the ability to respond to them. You are responsible. So what you can do right now as a grown woman with a big girl panties on in terms of wanting to take care of you, it's prioritized and a job and legal degree and those things. That's that's not the priority right now. We'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. So talk to me about your spiritual practice. What do you do daily? Um? Well, I do have a Most High that I pray too often. I do find solace and a friend with Jesus. I do listen to whether it's inspirational rap, Christian music, or in worship music. So I find myself in little pieces of joy in my music. I do. I haven't meditated in a while. When I found myself the most stressed a few weeks ago, I started tapping to tap away that energy. Um, I do need to get back to the spiritual routine that I did have. Because if you're praying every day and you with the Most High and Jesus is your friend, you should be getting some clearer guidance than this. So whatever it is you're doing, we got to intensify that. You gotta intensify it. You know, I don't know if you if there's a spiritual teacher or guide that you listen to. I mean, do you read the Bible? I mean what I would recommend for you a really wonderful book. Are you moving more towards the Christian side or universal or what is what? I would say that non denomination is my foundation, but it's growing upwards from there, growing upward to what. Well, you know, I think I found the interest in African religion. Now I think I found you don't how the foundation in that to really you don't have the foundation and not to make it a robust part of your practice. So one I'm going to offer you is, are you familiar with Jesus Calling? No? No, does that sound like something if I say to you Jesus, you don't freak out? Do you? Okay? Well, you know, I don't know. Everybody has their own way. Jesus Calling. It's a daily book and she gives you a commentary and she also gives you a scripture to read every day. I'm going to put you on a prescription of Jesus Calling, so that you have something every single day to guide your day. You have a prayer to pray, You have an affirmation each and every day, because you've got to have that that foundation to know that something other than you is doing this and that there's someplace or something you can lean on. Does that make sense? That's what I needed to hear. Yeah, and you can get it as an app on your phone. You can get it as a book. You can get it as a journal, so you can put it on your phone for free, or you can go to wherever you shop, Amazon or wherever so that you have something every day. When you turn your feet to the side of your bed, that's your first step. That's your spiritual practice. That's your foundation, all right. And then when you stand up from your bed before you go get the baby or do whatever, even if it's a little stretching, deep knee bends. You know, I don't know where you live. If you can walk up and down a staircase, if you can walk around the block, you've got to get yourself moving because exercise is one of the best ways to eliminate stress. It just keeps the blood flowing in your body. I hear you say that you're trying to drive uber I don't know what that means. If you're trying, either you are or you aren't. But if you're ubering, pick two days a week or three days a week that these days I'm ubering, that's it. That's when I'm ubering. And the other three or four days you're not doing that. Those are the days you rest. Those are the days you come home, when the baby goes down for a nap, you take a nap, or if you had a support system to say, can you keep the baby for me for a couple of hours. You just have to prioritize in structure, prioritize and structure. But again, you need to be real clear that living in the house with a man who is not supporting you is a stressful activity. That's just it's just there. It's like having too many bumps on your pickle. Like this pickle, I can't even enjoy it. It's got too many bumps on it. With your job in the three or four days of ubering, you know, you just have to create a budget and that's what you have to live by. And if your partner contributes, that's a gift. You know, it makes it easier. But I believe that once you start really answering the call, and once you start working with the Christ Jesus calling, things are going to shift because you're gonna shift and I can do things like to create a budget and exercise to help for myself. Now here's my concern with you is that you're so exhausted that to do any of this it's just going to be overwhelming for you. So I will say, don't beat yourself up. Do what you can each and every day. If you don't do anything else, make your spiritual practice the priority that and rest for you and the baby. Because your happiness and the things that you want are really a function of you getting what you want. And if all you want is financial stability, you know not. I want peace, I want joy, I want a happy baby, I want my marriage to work. I want to be more focused in my life. Because what you want is so transactional. It's transactional because I'm sure, like ninety nine point two percent of the human race, you believe that in order to have money, you gotta work, and you gotta work hard to have more money, because that's what I'm hearing in your conversation. Now, that's not true, but that's what you believe. So if financial stability is what you want, if that's what's gonna make you happy and peaceful, you're gonna be really nervous not to be working your fingers to the bone because you don't believe that you can have what you want unless you make it happen. So that's just my concern for you what I want you to know that happiness is not an event. It's not occasional. It's having the happiness in your heart and in your mind. That's what creates the environment for more happiness to come. Does that make sense? Yeah? Yeah, So these little things and these little things the rest the spiritual practice to die at the exercise. You know, if you can manage that, worry about the education and all of that later, the divorce or whatever. Worry about that later, and continue to do your journaling so that you can constantly dump, you know, dump what's in your mind. Because on the other side of having this baby, you're gonna have to make some real hard decisions. Might be too hard to make right now, So we're not going to do that. Okay, you're quiet. What are you thinking? Well, I'm taking it all in. I'm taking a deep breath and really hearing what you're saying and not what I think I hear. Well, what do you think you here? I think that I hear you saying that. You know, like you said, if money is my problem, that I really don't have any problems at all. It's more so about the happiness that is or is not here within me and I'm also hearing you telling me how I can change these things around by prioritizing what's important first and working my way down the things that also matter but not of the immediate priority. Right. Okay, well you here very good. Apparently you hear better than your husband can see. I have a good feature, Missy, And like I said, I joined the Spiritual Warrior class and I do want to get back into doing that because it was it was a very beautiful feeling when I was joined. And the ladies that you had you connect with on my team, I think I was in the courage team. It did help me because I didn't have much courage. I considered myself a very bashful woman and I'm trying to break out of that. Let me tell you something. You have more courage than you give yourself credit for. It takes courage to be where you are and do what you're doing. It takes a lot of courage. So I hope that you can see that even to make this call took a lot of courage. And trust me, when I say I hear what you're not saying, I hear it very clearly. And whether it was a conscious choice or an unconscious choice, it's very wise of you, because there's a lot going on with you that would really just blow your circuitry if you really try to manage it all. So we're not gonna manage it all. We're gonna prioritize this. You are the focus. You and that baby are the focus, and this simple little things that you can do throughout these next seven months while you're carrying and preparing to bring forth this new life and on the other side of this as a woman, I really want to encourage you. You gotta have a posse. You gotta have a posse. You know, your crew, your team. If it's two, three, four people that you know, come Hella high water. They're there for you. So whatever has prevented you from doing that, I really want you to get on that. You got to look around your life, whether it's the women in your courage tribe or at some place I don't know, if you got to go join a little neighborhood church. You got to have a posse. You can't be out here on your own as a woman. I agree, I just I don't think I found my type of tribe yet. I had friends that I've known since college or high school, and I even have two male best friends, but you know, I'm in a different area of life, and I can't expect my single friends to understand my marital issues. And I can't expect my aunt, who has a completely different outlook on life, to be able to why who advised your mind? And I can't expect my male counterparts to, you know, help through the mental thumb. So I hear you, I hear you. I need to find my people. I think you have your people, but you judge them. Let me tell you something. One of the greatest gifts that a woman can have in her life is an elder woman, a midwife. And you all don't have to be on the same page, playing on the same team, reading from the same book. But in the annoying rambling that she's going to pour on you, there's nuggets of wisdom. And chances are you don't want to hear what she has to say. But I would be listening with my ears, my toes, my eyes because through that I filter it out and I'm gonna get what I need. Elder women, you know, and I speak as one myself. We can be a pain in the butt because we see it and we think it and you know, as long as it's not condemning and judgmental, taken in and comb through the all that's coming for you For that one little nugget, I promise you she has things to say that will help you. But you don't want to hear her condemn your husband, call you stupid, tell you what a mess you've made, what you need to do, and blah blah blah blah blah. You don't want to hear that. Yeah, but you did. And all you ever have to say to her was, Okay, how do I fix this? Because elder women love to tell you how to fix stuff. Yeah, and your single friends they have a wisdom too, And you're not just going to them to talk about your narrative problems. You need support. How many of them single friends can take the baby for a day, But any of them be willing to do that? Have you ever asked? Honestly, I've never met my daughter in person yet? Oh this is a problem. Okay, I'm not going no further with you. You got friends that they've seen your two year old child. Okay, let's go back prioritize. Yeah, spiritual practice, exercise, rest, diet, and a little bit of happy each day. What makes you happy a little bit each day. I don't care what it is. For me, it's Law and Order, two episodes, and I'm good to go, even though I've seen those two episodes fifty six signs. You've made it a little difficult for yourself, but I think that's because of the instability in your childhood. You've made it real hard. But I went to law school with three children. You got two, so you a step ahead of me. And I went to law school when I was thirty three years old. So it's all doable. You just have to prioritize. Okay, yes, man, thank you so much, thank you for calling. Get on those priorities and go to wherever you shop and get that book. Get that book, and I want to talk to you after you've had the baby. Okay, yes, alrighty bye bye. How do we fix a mess? How do we fix a mess? Sometimes we make a mess of our lives because we don't deal with the mess and our relationships, and sometimes we find ourselves in a mess of our own making. But that's hard to look at. So what we do is we hypnotize ourselves by looking at any and everything else other than the mess. We are in and in doing that we mess ourselves out. How do we fix a mess, Well, the first thing you have to do is you have to acknowledge that the mess exists. If you don't acknowledge that the mess exists, you're going to be spinning your wheels in the mud, making an even bigger mess. Once you acknowledge that the mess exists, then you have to prioritize. You have to prioritize what you can do based on what is available to you, so that you can grow the strength required to look at the whole mess. I tell your mess is something, and when you've got a mess, you gotta have priorities. And that's what I talk to my caller about today, priorities of a mess. Sometimes we're sitting in a mass that looks so big and that feels so heavy, we're not really sure where to begin. In those situations, what I always recommend is vote for you first. No matter how big the mess is, no matter how much is going on, no matter how many people are involved. You gotta take care of you. And you may not be able to take a trip around the world or buy yourself a fur coat or a new convertible car. But there are simple things that you can do, like a bath, a long hot soa bad where you're just crying the tub, or listen to music, play with yourself, do whatever is required in a moment. A walk. I remember when I had big mess in my life, I used to do a two am walk with God. I don't care what time I went to bed. I would get up at two am and I would just go out and walk around my area, around my block. I was fortunate that I had a lot of land, so I could walk my land, and I used to talk out loud and fuss and weep and laugh and tell jokes. Two am walk with God, simple didn't cost me anything. Eating when you got a mess in your life, don't eat mess. Don't eat mess, don't eat it mentally, don't eat it emotionally, and don't eat it spiritually. What you feed your mind, your heart, and your spirit when you're in a mess is absolutely essential. Yes, each of vegetables. Yes, drink plenty of water. But also be mindful of what you're watching, if you're watching television, what you're looking at, if you're on the computer, what you're reading, who you're talking to. Because in the middle of the mess. He gotta take care of you. I hope that my caller today really acknowledges herself for the courage that she has that's going to move her through this mess. But my real prayer for her is that on the other side, she's willing to take ownership of how she created it. That's where the real healing will unfold. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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