Not Accepting What Shows Up

Published Dec 7, 2022, 11:00 AM

This week, two callers have set themselves up for experiencing exactly what they don’t want in their relationships. One caller is dating a man who has a son, while she doesn’t ever want children – yet she believes the issue is with her partner. The second caller is considering returning to a toxic relationship because of the pressure from her children and her ex. Iyanla recognizes the issue in both situations – each caller believes they cannot have what they want, which created their predicaments.

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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins

Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani

Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight

I am a Yamlah, your host, your guide, a teacher for sam in a soft place to fall for others. And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until I love myself enough to be able to share my love with other people. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. I wish I had a beautiful crystal bottle trimmed in gold with a lovely on a cap on it. And if I did, I would speak into that bottle, you can have what you want, and I would sell it. I'd sell it on eBay. I'd sell it on Etsy for five cents. I wouldn't even charge a lot for it. But the beauty of it, this crystal bottle trimmed and gold with the ornate cap, filled with the statement, the belief, the declaration, the affirmation you can have what you want. I want to just make it available and hopefully it will help people believe it. You can have what you want. You don't have to accommodate crazy, you don't have to tolerate bad behavior, you don't have to eliminate your values. You can have what you want. And so very often when we make a choice that takes a left turn, we think we've done something wrong from which we will never recover, and we accept, accommodate, and tolerate crazy. You can have what you want, and it doesn't matter how many bad choices you make, you can have what you want. My guest today thinks this is about children, and it's really not. It's really about believing that you can have what you want. And if you don't believe you can have what you want, the way you will set yourself up the fall flat on your face. Good morning, beloved, Welcome to the art spot. And what is the challenge issue question that you have that we can dig into today? So my biggest problem is negative thinking, more of really for the past and for the future. So like the past, definitely get to my way currently, you know, which makes me fearful for the future. As it retains to my relationship. Is there a particular area of the relationship, is in particular issue in the relationship that negative thinking is impacting? Yeah, so, um, he he has a son. I don't have any children, and so right away it's like okay, and so just seeing how as of as of late, it just doesn't feel like it just makes me wonder if he'll be able to like not necessarily provide, but also be able to contribute to our relationship. UM, Like in starting like a life with me, Me and son have a really really, really good relationship. We talked more than him and his dad talk. But it just worries me, like how that transition will be when I'm I've always been by myself and always on the go by myself, and now it's like I don't want to be just like a step mom and now my life is family and I can't live a life that I've been living or traveling and being very carefree. We'll not necessarily care free, but just more free with my life than he's able to be. So that's what worries me about the future. And then it just becomes a spiral of well if you had done this in the past, you know, So then I just begin to get very hard on him about the choices he made. How old is your relationship? UM? Since last June twenty one, so a year in a couple of a year about four months, So you are in a one year relationship with a man who has a seven year old son. Yes, let me acknowledge him m for being in his son's life. Let me just acknowledge that. I don't know if you acknowledge it, but I just want to acknowledge that. And I'm assuming that he sees his son what on the weekends regularly? Does he live with you all? What is? What is the situation? So we both moved to Detroit. He moved last year last mate from North Carolina. So his son is in North Carolina. My parent and I don't live together. We live just in the same like surrounding city. So he's come, his sons came to visit twice, but I'm usually they're watching him because his dad works at night. So you are in a one year old relationship with a man who has a seven year old son who lives in another state. And in that year, you've seen this boy, this child two three times maybe yeah, three times? His son had you know, I had taken him to the pool and I said, you know, and I was like, all right, you need to go take a shower. There's an attery. So I'm like, this is this is a shampoo, this is a conditioner. And he was like, you're acting like a bi c A. She didn't spell it right. You know he seven, but I told him my partner and he did nothing tact. You know. It's like, I really rather not even deal with kids, but I'm embracing what you come with. But you can at least be a partner and put him being more assertive with him and stuck up for me at the same time. Okay, and what did you say in this good relationship with the sun when he said that to you? What did you say to him? At the time, I was like, I'm more observing how my partner is going to take on this situation. But when his sons and when his unsaid it, I was just like, okay, you just go ahead in the shower, you know, because I'm we're already about to go home. My mom is visiting, you know, from l A, so we went to her hotel to swim there. So we're already about to leave and go back to your dad's house, and you know, we can take care of it then. And so I talked about it. He didn't do any things, an's your question. I did not necessarily say much, but all right, we're leaving, you know, because I perfectly did not have kids so I could discipline them. Well, the question that I asked, was what did you say to you, as an adult woman, fully in controlablr faculties, what did you say to a child when he called you out of your name? I made sure he meant the actual word. And that's honestly like all I remember me saying. I was in the supermarket with my great grandson and he met up with another little boy in the supermarket, and the little boy in him kind of I don't know, interacted with one another, and my grandson, who was very friendly, said to him, are you going to be my friend? And the little boy said, fool. I don't know you. And as an adult in full control of my faculties, I said to the child, beloved, it is you don't get to call people you don't know a fool, At which point his mother came over, another adult and full control of her faculties, and she said what did he say? I said, no, no, wait a minute, I said, you you don't know this person. He's a stranger to you, but he's also your brother, and so it's not kind, into a loving or respectful to you or him to call him a fool. And the mother said, like what he called? Who did he call it? I said, it's okay, mom, it's okay. I said, Now tell me what you heard me say. He said, I shouldn't say fool. I said, well, you may say it, but you shouldn't say it to strangers, because that makes you seem mean and disrespectful, and you don't want to see mean and disrespectful, do you? And he said no. I said, okay. So I said to my great grandson, so what do you want to say to him? And he said, I forgive you. And the little boy said thank you. Little boy said thank you. And I said to his mother it's okay. This guy stuff going on, you know. And I went on and got my my milk and mine everything. So I just am not getting why in that moment you didn't correct the child with the understanding that I'm new in this child's life. Um, if we're going to have this ongoing relationship, I need to establish boundaries with him right now. But I'm hearing you say you didn't as an adult. I don't care if it was your boyfriend's child, the neighbor's child, a strange child in the supermarket, that as an adult you didn't correct the child and create a boundary with him. But instead told your partner and then have issue with the way he handled it. That goes way beyond negative thinking. Yeah, I told the month prior was the first time I met him in Martrolina, and I had already seen his behavior, and so at this point I'm like, Okay, you guys, let him do whatever over the smallest theme, like not get hit Dr Pepper. And he's not east at least grateful that he just got like everything he wanted, you know. But he's like, but he's got back there throwing a tantrum, I mean, extremely rude towards you because he didn't get that. So I guess at the time, I'm like, I'm a verbing Okay, how do you raise your like your set? Yeah, but you don't have children, and he's the weekend dad. You don't have children except for this child that's in your life, and he is a weekend dad. And one of the major issues that comes up in very many relationships are the different parenting styles. Mother may have one, father may have the other. You know, you may have a drill sergeant dad and make the child happy mom, or you have a drill sergeant mom and I'm your friend dad. So that's a common issue. What I'm hearing that I really want to support you in. It's not about negative thinking. It's about judgments and the fact that you would do it one way and he's doing it another way, and you have to ments about that. Yes, okay. Have you and your partner had a conversation about how he wants you to interact with his son when he comes. He never put expectations on me on how we should interact. Have you and him had a conversation about your different parenting styles? And it doesn't have to be a judgment or an accusation. It could be I see that you're really permissive with your son, and perhaps that's because he comes, you know, so irregularly, or you see him so sparsely. I have a different parenting style, and I just want to share that with you so that when you see it it won't be a shock to you. Have you had that conversation with it? No, Oh, that might be helpful. But I'm also hearing the fact that you have a concern or a fee, or even a judgment that should you and your partner become permanent in your relationship or committed or married or whatever you want to call it, I don't want to use the wrong language. You're concerned about how his resources and his time and his energy will be split between you and his son. Would that be accurate? Yes, M Then we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. What are you telling yourself about how you see sense field think worry? Are afraid that your partner will split his time and his resources between you and his son. So you, like you hit it right on the head. He said it that you know, because he comes not so often, there are certain ways, like there are certain things that he just doesn't do. And I wholeheartedly understood that right out of guilt, out of saying, hey, like I'm leaving to find a new job, and also stuff that he does not, you know, do certain things, and so seeing that, like he will allow his son just to talk to any type of way, do whatever. But you have a lot of judgments about what you've seen I do. Okay, Well that's your stuff, that's not his stuff. I have a hard time not making it his stuff. Well that's a problem. That's a problem, particularly because you don't have children of your own, you know, and it's usually the other way around. Usually the woman has children and she's bringing them into the relationship with a man who may not have children. But be that neither here nor there. Here's what I'm hearing for you. You make it about past and future. It's about right now. And I could be very wrong. I could be wrong. Please forgive me. If I am I'm hearing in here that you don't want children? Would that be accurate? So when you marry this man, am I to understand that you and he are not going to have children? So okay? So I just find it so interesting that a woman who doesn't want children is in partnership with a man who has a child. And you don't want children for a reason. So it doesn't matter whether you birth them or whether they're present. If you don't want children, this is going to be a problem, beloved, This is going to be a problem past thinking, future thinking, present, right now thinking. It is going to be a problem because I'm hearing, and again I could be wrong. Please forgive me. If I am, I'm hearing you want undivided, full attention from your partner. No, I can't say undervided because I love when he's a way it's a partect. I just like I just want to know, like I enjoy being alone, so I just want to know that it is the places where he is not assertive when it comes to in my eyes, parenting, behavior, parenting, certain things that he does, and how that will affect the future because it's like the odor they get is going to be harder say oh, well, now I'm trying to change this because I didn't do it here, you know, and so like, well, how will that? I just want to make sure I'm coming home to something like to a peaceful house, you know, Like that's not going to happen because you don't want kids, so you're always going to find something wrong. Mhm. You don't want children, and yet you're looking to marry a man who has a child. So you with your judgments and with the way that there's a piece here that you are not speaking. I don't know what it is. I don't I don't know, and I'm not going to assume a guess, but I'm I sure hit the nail on the head when I said you don't want children deeper than that I said, And see that perhaps you don't believe that you can have what you want, which is a peaceful, loving, committed relationship between you and a man. Yeah, you've attracted a man who has children, which is set up you having to accept and deal with what you don't want, and you're making it about his parents style and it's not about that at all. It's about you not being clear that you can have what you want. Doesn't mean you don't love this man, but you have set it up so that you do not get what you want. In my mind, it's like the older right yet, as a black woman, finding a man who like does the things he does, he does do for me and how he's there for me like finding that and actually am not having the kids is like the chances are very limbed to none. That's what you tell yourself. So that's exactly what your experience because the position you take on any subject determines how you see the subject. Your position is, I can't have what I want and then be clear about what you want because the truth is, if you want it, it has to exist, it has to But if you don't believe you can have it, oh well you won't get it. So you'll take what you have and try to make it work. But unless you change your position about it. It's not going to And again that doesn't mean that you don't love this child. Doesn't mean you don't love this man. But that thing about settling for it, because this is what has shown now you might want to work on that. Oh should I stay in this relationshship? That's up to you. That's up to you, beloved, hear me. You are not telling yourself the truth. You do not want to be in a relationship with a man who That's true, you don't but this and that has come into your life as a job. So there's a conflict there. And then there's a fear if I let him go, am I gonna be able to find another man who don't have kids? But that's not the crux of this matter. You are attached to a man who is giving you what you don't want children. You don't want the responsibility of them. You don't want to share the time, in space and resources with them. And a part of you knows that if this man is in relationship with his son that lives many states away, that's somehow or another that's going to impact you, and you don't want that mhm. So you have to reconcile that within yourself. Yeah, like, yeah, I don't want to deal with responsibility. I don't want to deal with like trying to share resources in the same house, mind working, you know. And I's going to a child who has like sometimes very bratty and can have like the worst attitude, you know, But I like and deeply in love with his father and I love him his son a lot. Shift your position or get out. And the other thing I would say to you is get clear about what you want and if you don't want children, if you don't want to share the responsibility of raising a child, if you don't want to share your time, resources and energies, and if you have any concerned judgment, hesitations. When he offers you the engagement right, don't accept it until you're clear that this is something you want to do, this is something you can do, this is something you're willing to do, this is something you're ready to do. Don't accept the right. Don't because you're setting yourself up, you're setting the child up, and you're eventually gonna beat your partner up about it. Because I can hear it coming out your mouth. He my son, that's your son. I did try therapy, and I can admit I'm honestly not the best, but even showing up for me, you know, like it was shown when I didn't really say much about you know it really didn't say much to his son in the like during that situation. I'm not the death step showing up for me, but I am good at showing up for other people. So do some work around that if you if you still have a counselor of therapists, do some work about owning your desires, what it is you say you want, and being able to stand up for it, stand up in it, believing you know that you can have what you want one and if you choose to stay, then I would just say, create clear boundaries for yourself. That's how you show up for yourself. And don't expect your partner to do for you what you won't do for yourself. Yeah. Sorry, no worries, No worries, no worries. It's it feels I feel you're suffering. I feel it, so outside support may be helpful for you. Our job gives us twenty five three sessions a year with with certified therapist a life coaches. I just every time I've used it, it's about the relationship and that let's about me. Well, take a new position, take a new position. You got an endless supply, and do over. Okay, thank you for loving, thank you, but bye. So very often we say we want something and then we set ourselves up so nice and proper that we can't have what we want. And then something shows up that is not what we want, and we will twist ourselves into a pretzel to make it work, knowing it's not what we want. So when that happens, it's very, very important to tell the truth about what you want, tell the truth about what you're doing, and get clear about which direction you're gonna choose, going for what you want or accommodating what you have from a new position. It doesn't matter how far left the road goes. You can have what you want. And I want my next caller to really get that. We'll talk to her when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. One of the most challenging things I've ever faced as a mother is recognizing that while I want to be a responsible parent, that I have an obligation to safeguard my children and give them the best of who I am. It doesn't mean that I have to eliminate my human needs and desires, and I think many mothers struggle with that, and we try to put the needs of our children ahead of our own. Coupled with the belief that many women hold, which is that we can't have what we want, particularly when we become mothers, that our needs sit on the back burner. My next caller is facing that very issue. Take a listen. Hello, Greetings, be love, and welcome to the our spot. Thank you for calling in today. And what is your challenge issue dilemma that we can sink our teeth into. I've been separated for almost five years. I stayed too long in a relationship that produced three wonderful children, but my husband was an alcoholic and emotionally, psychologically and sometimes a small bit physically abusive. Um. The straw that broke the camel's back was an attempted sexual assault on our at the time nine year old daughter that created a big thing with police, our child services, and I honestly just didn't think it would get that far and that horrid. I'll be honest and say it was probably the worst time in my life. Um, breathe, just breathe, just breathe, just breathe don't try to talk. I'm not going anywhere. UM. That was incredibly embarrassed, incredibly ashamed, and I wind up kind of leaving right away. And when he stayed with my family over the last uh four and a half years of work to get my daughter's health right, to get my get us back on my feet, and he's cultivated a wonderful, very intense close relationship with our son who's alman. Um. My daughter, who's now fourteen, tolerates him. That means he'll say hello, she'll say goodbye, but she does not want any close relationship to him at all anymore. UM. I have an issue because he is wanting to reconcile badly, wants to try to repair, but you know, I don't trust him. But I feel like, um, this is my second marriage. If I don't allow some kind of something that I'll be letting everyone down. My son comes and talks to me often, Mom, Why aren't you trying to work it out with dad? You know? UM, he tries to say things when when him and my daughter have you know, conversations every now and again. You know, I really I'm trying to do better with you. But your mom won't let me you know it, won't try to get us all back together as a family. Wait a minute, Wait a minute, right there, I want you to go to the nearest mina slap the first person that's yours up in that name, that would say to you that you have to consider being back in a relationship with a person who has a substance abuse issue that has been physically, verbally, psychologically, emotionally abusive and attempted to sexually abuse your daughter. And somebody would say to you you have to consider anybody else's feelings. Please please slap that that um, the issue is somebody needs to be slapped. That's the issue. I am. I feel stuck in the middle, and I no longer want to be stuck. Well, they make a decision, make a decision right here, right now. I'm done. Done, So there is no more conversation. There's no more conversation. But as long as you even have a question about it in your consciousness, it will continue to come up. Shut it down. Not going to happen. Ever, maybe on the fifth of never Weary, are you available? On that day? Are you available? That's the day I will consider being back in intimate loving live with you relationship on the fifth of Never Weary, can you can you show up on that day? Please? Yeah, because you think you're in the middle, you will even consider entertaining it. And when he starts that, shut it down. No, no, no, no, no no. Listen, beloved, your father is a beautiful soul, blessed child of God. But there is no way that we are ever going to be back together. Doesn't mean we can't be a family. This is our new normal. He's over there, well over here. So the work is with me now, are y'all? Because I know in my soul of souls that I don't want to be back. But this is a second field marriage. That's not the way you frame this. I am not choosing because choice is your power. You girl, You don't got me heated up over here. I am not choosing to be back. But now I have to cut out all of the stuff, my stuff, which is second film marriage. No no, no, no, no, no, no stop stop stop. Let's go back to the mirror. Let's go back to the mirror. There's a slapping. There's a slapping. There is a slapping required here. It's not a failed marriage. You made the wrong choice. Oops. That didn't work. Let me try again. It's not a failed marriage. What does a failed marriage? What does that mean? That means that somehow you're wrong, or you're guilty or whatever. Maybe you want to look at why you chose that in the first place, maybe your choices or or where you need to investigate. But you've made a wrong choice. Oops, that didn't work. Can you say that? Let me hear you say that that. I'll take that instead of a slap. That didn't work. What was I thinking? Yeah? I was thinking, yeah, oh my lord, let me get up out of it this quick. Yeah. I bought this fabulous pair of shoes. Uh, last month. They were sexy, they were on sale. I brought them shoes. Yeah. And then I was going out and I put them shoes on my feet, and I said, oops, what was I thinking? Well, I can't go nowhere in these shoes. I can't even walk out the closet in them. Oh my lord, not do the received away and everything. I took them right to the donation box and put them right in their brand new ain't never warm. What was I thinking? It cost me a little bit? Can you hear me? It cost me a little bit, But I am not gonna torture myself because I bought these fabulous shoes that made my legs look sexy on sale to make your behind right over there to the donation. But can you hear me, lighten this thing up a little bit? I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. And when he starts that, when he says that to your daughter, say wait a minute, let me step in here and let me just say this. I'm gonna say this to you, beloved, the fifth of denver weary. That's when we're going to get back together, the fifth of never wearing. And to your daughter, say, your father has a beautiful soul, loving the death. I want you all have a wonderful relationship, but I will not be in relationship with your father the way we used to be. We've got a new normal. Now he's over there, I'm over here. Shut it down. Otherwise, a deceptive intelligence in you will continue to make you wrong. And what if? What if? What if you never get married again? Have play dates, find you some nice, sweet little thing that you can take to the red move in, and then go what the hell? Now here's okay. Now here's the second part. Here's the other side of this. I'm working through my stuff, right, I'm working through my stuff. He's going to he's going to further distance himself from the children by his choice, not yours, his choice, not yours, his choice, not yours. Did I mention that's his choice, not yours? Did I mention that his choice not yours? That's called emotional blackmail. Okay, So you're not doing what he's wants you to do. So he's gonna threaten to harm your children, he's their father. Yeah, Then he said he'll move, He'll move to leave the state and leave the country. Can you help him get the Trump? Can you help him? So here I am, well, here I am with these three kids, and um doing it on my own, which I'm at about eight percent right now anyway. And so that's the part that I'm cleaning up right now, I'm cleaning up where I'll be. It's called court, family court, it's called child support. Listen, I know I'm being hard on this, brother, But if I heard you correctly, I heard you say that this man who sired a child with you and a drunken, stupid or a fit of insanity, tried to sexually assault her. Is that did I hear you say that you know me correct. He does not give any benefit of the doubt. Love you mean it, forgive you. I'm sorry, I'm I know I'm being hard on him. Yeah, I'm That's why I left. I felt like we left in the middle of the night, the way we left about I left in the middle of the night with three bags and three kids. I left with three bags and three kids. Okay. Why because when he, at six ft four two hundred and sixty pounds, picked up a bed slat ready to hit me in my head, and the Holy Spirit said to me, leave, leave now, or he's gonna kill you. Oh my god. Okay. That's when I laughed at two thirty in the morning with three children and three bags of close okay. And I never went back ever, didn't go back, you know, because you can beat me, you can cheat on me, you can't kill me. I don't give you permission to kill me. Okay. Back then I had said, okay, I'm just gonna get beaten. Back then is okay, he's just gonna cheat. But when you start talking killing people, h no, I'm out. Yeah. That was the straw and if sexual violation of his own child is not the store for you. Go to the mirror. It was strong, It's still the strong. I'm just dealing because I don't want to be back with this fool. But I um, you know, he's with the sun, and I just I you know, I guess we'll have to deal with whatever comes next. If it means he's not going to be in their lives, and so be it. He's blackmailing you. How do you deal with a blackmailer? You call the police. Let me just say this to you. Belove it. You can have what you want. You can have a man that accepts you, loves you, respects you, and values treasures and love your children. You can have that. As soon as you believe it is possible. You can have that because you can get you some shoes that fit your feet. They're whipping on it and he'll be right there. Okay. I want you to repeat this with me. I pledge allegiance to myself. Say that I pledge allegiance to myself that I will never accommodate or tolerate or accept a man in my life who does not honor the glory that I am, and I will not entertain a man who poses a threat to my daughters. Yeah, that's your pledge of allegiance. You start there. M hmm. And stop talking to man. Don't listen to their conversations. They talk out their neck, you know. I say, every woman has a queen, and she has a princess, and she has a wife, and she has a mother inside of us every woman, there's a queen in there, there's a mother in there, there's a wife in there, there's a mistress in there, this a hole in there, and there's a b I t c h in there. Two. You need to put the b I t c h in the throne right now? Do you get the until you get the mother woman and the queen in order? Okay, put her in the throne. Yeah, okay, I'm so glad we talked. This has been very hopeful and clarifying. Yes, I am too. Okay, tell me something you know now that you didn't know when you call me. I always need the answer. Um, you need to put some things in perspective and be okay, and do give myself a little bit more grace. Yeah, yeah, and put the bitch in the throne. Put her in the throne. Put the bit in the throne. Okay. So she will slack. Somebody let me know how you make out, darling. Okay, okay, you take good care, Thank you, Bye bye. Life is complicated, It really really is. Let's just put that outfront. Life is complicated for us as individuals. But then when you drop children into the mix, when you are a parent, life goes from challenging and difficult to mind boggling. Both of my guests today have issues related to children. They think the issues are really about them being clear and believing that they can have what they want. So when life throws a curveball your way and their children involved, if you stop long enough to look at you first and get clear about what you want and how can you support, protect, and be responsible for your children in the process, you get to the finish line a lot quicker than if you just try to do what you think needs to be done for the children. Children are a blessing, but you, beloved, are your biggest blessing. Vote for you first. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

The R Spot with Iyanla

Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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