In part two of the cheating series, Iyanla and her panel of guests dive into how to move on with an unfaithful partner while asking the question, was the relationship damaged before cheating?
Iyanla also provides her guests with the principles needed to confront a cheating partner and how to rebuild trust in the relationship.
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I am a Yamla, your host for this journey. I was a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is and what it is not. I want to share some of what I've learned about lover holism. Welcome to the R Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, This is the Spot and I am a Yamla, your guide, your facilitator, some might even say your teacher, as we delve into the sea, the ocean of relationships, all kinds of relationships, doing our best to learn the skills, the tools, the principles, the practices to make those relationships more peaceful, more fulfilling. Healthy. Yeah, we want to go for healthy relationships. Now, if you were with us last week, we started talking about a topic that you see, sense, feel, believe your partner is cheating, but you don't have the evidence. And we covered a lot of ground. But we're going to continue that conversation today. But I want us to start right here because we are so conditioned in, programmed, taught, educated to look outside of ourselves for the answers, so that when we get the answer on the inside, we don't believe it, we don't want to hold on to it, and we'll talk ourselves out of what we know. You know, the first GPS, the first GPS any human ever had, before it was in cars, before it was on a smartphone, the first GPS we ever had was intuition, teaching from within. And yet there's no place in our society and our educational system, even in our interactions of being raised or being educated, have we been taught how to tune into, how to hear, and how to trust our intuition. So now you grow up without the necessary skills, tools and information to grow in your intuition. And your intuition is telling you Boo Boo is cheating. He's a ball faced liar, and you know it, and you hear that, And what you want to do is get evidence in the external world, evidence outside of yourself. So the question we're going to continue to discuss my three co hosts and I is what do you do if and when you know your partner is cheating, but you're looking for evidence, external evidence? Can you imagine external evidence? Welcome back, to this conversation. Once you get the sense or the feeling that someone is cheating or that's something there's a breakdown in the relationship. Is the issue the cheating or is the issue the breakdown in the relationship? I mean, do you think things are just fine and all of a sudden you get a sense of cheating or have there been things along the way that maybe you ignored? What do you think?
Definitely a breakdown already.
It is already a breakdown in the relationship. Already we all know nothing outside of it's already happen in an inside. It's already in the house, it's already going on.
Okay, yeah, okay, mister lewis right.
It's just a symptom of a disease, right that has now raised to your level of awareness. And so that just goes to show that you weren't even even though you're looking at your partner cheating, Not to say that there's something that you could have done differently, It just means that there was somewhere along the relationship that you actually also checked out of the relationship as well. And so now because of the misalignment, right now, your back starts hurting, you know, now, you know, you don't really wake up with a spring in your step anymore. Right, there's something different that you can feel, But that person is already light years ahead. They've already found some type of remedy, and so they're already onto their own sort of healing journey for that misalignment. They already felt what was misaligned, and so they've already found their own little thing that.
They have going on.
But you're just kind of dealing with the pieces of you being able to detect it. But there was something that happened, uh in the in the history. So that's why when people, you know, come to me with their problems, I'm like, well, you know, there was something that happened way before this. You got to press the rewind you know, on your mind and get to the bottom of what's going on.
Really mmmm, here's a good question. How do you distinguish or make a distinction between your partner being distracted because they're cheating and them just being neglectful to your to the relationship. How do you distinguish that? Ms Kira, I'm coming to you.
Well, I feel like when you're lazy and neglectful to the relationship, you'll be able to tell if that's not cheating per se, because again, like the signs will be there for example, you know, just like if you're going through their their device, or you know, if they're just moving differently, you'll be able to see, you know where their time is being spent and you know what they're doing. I feel like neglect is just like, you know, if we're not, you know, going out on as many days, but that could be for other reasons like financial hardship, you know, things like that. It doesn't necessarily mean that your part is cheating because you know, you feel like you guys aren't you know, doing as much or they're not putting as much into the relationship. So I feel like it's kind of jumping the gun for that. I feel like you'll have actual signs that you know your partner is cheating, but it wouldn't be based off of just not feeling like you're not getting what you need in the relationship.
Okay, mispath, can you make a distinction between cheating and neglect? Did you because you've had this experience, did you make this I didn't make.
A distinction in between the neglect because the neglect was when the intimacy stopped. When that stopped? When when the when the when the love left my house? You know I would get up every morning, I would fixed breakfast, and every night we ate dinner together, but you know as a family, and when the oh, I ate already outside, you know kind of thing, or I'll get up extra early so I won't be up early enough to fix breakfast. You know, those things started leading, Okay, so when the love started leaving, yeah, And when the joy and the love started leaving out your house, and you know that's the neglect, that's the yeah. And then you know the cheating is in the midst of all of that, when those things started leaving.
Mister Luke, do you make a distinction or can you? Should you make a distinction between neglect and cheating?
Yeah, And that's a you know, should you can you, you know, make the distinction. You know, it's really one and the same. Even Miss Pat when she was sort of explaining it, you know, when the love leaves, it's almost as though that the cheating is the act, but the neglect is really the purpose behind the action, right, It's mostly really really you know, I am neglecting you by cheating on you with someone else. But I am neglectful of you is the it's really the it's really the positionality that you've created between you and that other person. So really, when we talk about neglectfulness, that looks like, you know, do I bring you your favorite meal? Do I stop by, you know, on the way from work and you know, bring you something thoughtful? Which was something that I used to do before that I stopped doing it. And you know, I stop, you know, wearing my hair in the way that you like to you know, you know see me, or I stop wearing a particular perfume that I know that you like. You know, these are the little things that we do to show the other person. Are you noticing me right now? Are you seeing me? Are you seeing the shifts, the changes, the ebbs and the flows, the seasons of our own relationship?
Right?
Because we can grow and we can grow apart. We can grow together or we can grow apart. And so sometimes when you have a partner that is not really interested in the same topics that you're interested in, that's neglectful.
Right.
If you can't sit and talk to me about my day at work, you're not interested about, you know, the people that I work with, my coworkers, and you may not be interested in the nitty and the gritty, but I think that's someone that I'm actually, you know, in a relationship with. They should be interested in the nitty and the gritty. That that's not, you know, a cause for something that you can shut down or tune your ears out of.
You know, I love it, you know, for me, neglect, even neglect is a is a form of cheating. You know, when you're not paying attention to this union that we've created together. Your mind is elsewhere, your soul is elsewhere, your your body is elsewhere, whether you're in the bed with somebody else or not. Sometimes that neglect is the first sign of emotional cheating. You're you're giving your attention and your time somewhere else. We're gonna continue the conversation right after this. Welcome back to the R Spot. I've got three co hosts on here with me today, and we are talking about the signs and the evidence of cheating and when you approach your partner about it, how you approach your partner about and what do you do if you don't have physical evidence. I think it's important that we get clear about what cheating is. So we're going to talk about that. Here's a question for my co host. I want a yes or no answer. Okay, just give me yes or no and I'll call you and then we can talk about why. Okay, you suspect your partner's cheating. You feel it, you see it, it's in the space. Do you search their phone? Yes or no? Mister Luke, No, Miss Pat no, Miss.
Caira yes, okay, all right, Okay, you suspect your partner's cheating.
You can see it, feel it. It's something going on. Do you get into their social media? Do you do you check that Facebook? No? Mispath says no, Miss Kira, yes, mister Luke, yes, okay as two yes, it's in one no, all right. You suspect your partner is cheating? Do you follow them? Do you follow them? Yes or no? Miss Pat for me, okay, mister Luke, yes, ha ha, Miss.
Kira everything follow them like on social media? Or follow them in real life?
No? No, follow them in real life? Do you do you go out to see where they're going and what they're doing?
I will, I will?
I would?
Okay, yes or the that's two yeses and the no. You suspect your partner is cheating? Uh, you feel it, you see it, you sense it. Do you talk to their friends about it? Yes? Or no, mister Luke, No, no, Miss Pat no, Miss Kira. Now do you talk to your friends about it? Miss Caira not friends? No, mister Luke, no, Miss Pat.
Yes.
Okay, So let me ask you this when you if you should you suspect your partner is cheating? How much snooping is acceptable? How much snooping? How much digging do you do? Mister Luke? What do you think?
Yeah? I think my answers are a little bit all over the place, and I had a couple of surprises in there. I think the thing that I like to do is I see myself just a collector of data. I'm just looking for data points. And so if I'm just collect data, I just do it from a very emotionless without emotion. I really don't really try to inject too much emotion into it. So as long as I'm collecting the data points, everything is cool. I'm calm, I'm cool, collected. You won't see any difference in me. I'm just collecting the information like a detective, you know.
Okay, so everything nothing's off the table. You're gonna look where the data leads you. You're gonna ask what the data leads you to. Okay, all right, miss pat When when you suspect your partner's shooting, how much snooping is acceptable?
Well, I'm gonna tell you from my experience. Ere My mother used to always say, you're digging the trash team. You come up with garbage, right, and that was her favorite. My brother was that we should be ninety two years old, so that was her favorite thing to say. Right. So I never dug in the trash team. That's why I answered no. But when in prayer, it would just show up to me. I didn't dig I promise you, yeah, it would just show up.
Yeah. But but that's why I said if I would sort of hit you out at lunch with shaquiedah, I'm coming over to the table because I'm collecting data. I'm collecting that, yeah, but to.
Dig in your phone and follow you, you know. You know, in my experience, I had two children, so it was either I was gonna chase you or take care of them, so I chose them.
Okay, Ms Caira, if you think your partner's cheating, how much snooping is acceptable?
I kind of. I kind of agree with Luke. I'm going to have a little case folder. So I totally understand.
You go whip out your lawyer. You're looking for the evidence so that they're beyond a reasonable doubt. Okay, And here's another question. How much evidence is enough either for you to leave or do you make an allegation or do you present the evidence? How much evidence is enough, mister Luke? How much evidence?
Yeah, how much evidence is enough? That's a very very powerful question because if you really think about it, you know, when we first started, there was no evidence, right, there was no tangible evidence that the person can cling to. Only your soul felt that coldness, right, And so really I would say that that feeling you felt is enough from the beginning. And so we can go to miss pat route, which is saying that you know, what's done in the dark will will surely come to the light, and if I ask for the clarity, the clarity will be presented, or you know, we can fill it up to the brim and then you can just you know, have to deal with that, you know, and just kind of present it in a way where it's like, Okay, enough is enough, I've seen enough and I've you know, confirmed that deep pitted feeling, you know, so I think enough is really just that feeling that you felt from the beginning.
Okay, miss pat How much evidence is enough to either leave or make the allegation?
How much evidence does it have to be?
Yeah, does it have to be tangible or or could it be like you said, the love left, We don't eat together, we're not sleeping together. You forgot my birthday, you don't show up for me in any kind of way. How much evidence is enough?
All of that, all of that, it was enough for me when it stops showing up. When when the when you know, when the you know, it's like a house when you don't you know, if you got a house, and you had your house for twenty thirty years, if you didn't start, if you didn't keep working on your house, your house going to fall apart. So when you wasn't long to continue working on this house and it all started to fall apart, and the joy and the love and the peace and harmony started to leave, and that was enough to me, That was enough to me.
Okay, ms Kira, you're young, so let me ask you this way. How many receipts do you need I think how many.
I think I would Yeah, I kind of I feel like I would need as many as I could get. But you know, if I if I collect as many as I could get, and that's like a lot, you know, a little is a lot to me. So it's just like the fact that I even have all this information is just like that's enough. Like I feel like you, you know, you violated my trust at this point, and it's just something that I don't feel like I would be able to, you know, come back from. So just I feel like I don't know. One receipt is enough for me if I if I suspect it, that's what it is, you know, like if I see something that's.
Enough for me.
That's a very good point. Because some relationships have survived cheating, some have survived. What do you think is required for a relationship? Well, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this before I go there. Once you get your case file, your receipts, your evidence, because all of y'all have fled and something different, do you pressent the evidence to the person or do you just hold on to it until you figure out what you want to do? What do you do? What do you do, mister Luke, Do you present the evidence or do you just hold on to it until you're clear about what you're doing.
You should definitely hold on to it until you're clear, because you don't want to move from a place of emotion. You want to move from a place of I've meditated on this, I've really done a lot of soul searching, and now what the ball is in my court? You know, the train has already left the station, and so now it's about what are you going to do? And so even you presenting the evidence is mostly just you know, you're telling the person this is where you you did. The person knows what they did at that point, right, it's just saying that I know what you did. So it's really just about do you want to stand this relationship or do you want to mend the relationship from this point?
Okay, miss pat what do you do? Do you present the evidence once you get it, once your case files is closed, or do you hold on to it until you're clear about what you're doing?
You hold on I hold I held on to it till I was clear, and I was you know, like I said, did some lot of introspection and had a lot of self awareness, because I want to say, is that I, when I did digging within myself, I cheated on me. First m making like I didn't know what I knew.
Okay, okay, okay, you violated yourself, You betrayed your own trust. Yes by staying okay, good good mss caira. Do you present your receipts I've got receipts right here, or do you hold on? Do you hold on two her until you are clear about what you're gonna do?
Well?
I feel like with me, Missianla, I have to be smooth with it. So I can't just present it writ then and there. I have to because the thing is like, it doesn't make sense to present that information to them as soon as you get it if you are going to just end up, you know, deciding to be with them, and if you tell them, then they're just gonna feel like okay, Like she knows that I cheated on her and so we might get back together. Like she's basically saying that that's okay, I know what you did, but we're gonna still be together. So what's the point if you're gonna get back to that person. That's kind of how I feel.
I think that that's an important point because some relationships have survived cheating. Some relationships have survived. What would be required for you to survive beyond cheating? And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's talk to you, miss Pat, because I'm hearing I could be wrong that your relationship didn't survive beyond the cheating. What would be required for you to survive beyond cheating?
Well, it didn't survive, of course, it did not survive. I just I really just had to go to work. I had to go to work on me. That's all. That's No, it survived. How I survived, I should say I had to go. I had to go to work on myro. I had to go to work, and so we're en doing that work. It helped me to really just come into a lot of self awareness and how I had a nick in that quarter. So that's what tell.
Me more about that. What does that mean? I had a nickel in that quarter? Can tell me what that means?
Because I allowed it. I allowed so much to happen. I accommodated it, I tolerated it.
Okay, So I.
Had a nickel on that quarter if I had fifteen cent.
But yeah, okay, mister Luke, what would be required to survive beyond cheating?
Because we've already established that there were holes or breakdowns in the relationship anyway, So what would be required to survive beyond cheating?
Yeah, I think that the key thing to survive beyond this cheating is a nakedness. I think that to really look at someone, look look into their eyes, you know, gaze into their soul. You know, that's what's really required to survive beyond the cheatingess. I have to see you in the way that you want to be seen, and you have to see me in the way that I want to be seen. You know, we have to be naked unto one another. And so what that means is bearing our truths to one another. There's something in this relationship that needs air. It's crying out for space, it's crying out for breath, and so I have to breathe life into whatever it is, the cracks, the crevices of your soul that you're not allowing to bring to light, and so I want to. And I think that that's what is required if we want to you know, in the same way that we accommodate the cheating, we have to also accommodate, you know, the love the light and bring that forward.
Ms caira Young What would be what would be required to survive cheating and the the seats that you got.
I think for me, it would just a big turning point for me would be like are you taking accountability for your actions? Like that would be a major thing just me feeling like, you know, he fully understands the error and the mistake you know that he made, and that would be very like detrimental for me. And if you kind of feel like if you cheat in the relationship, I feel like it's something internally, you know, like what we've been talking about that you kind of need to work on. So if that means like you know, therapy, I feel like that's really frowned upon, especially like in the black community as well, then maybe you need to take that route because those things can also be something that came from like your childhood or things that you've seen as well. So it's just we would really have to like figure out why you did that if we are going to stay in the relationship. If not, then it wouldn't work for me.
When I summarize because I'm a teacher. Teacher when I summarize everything that we've kind of gathered today, you think your partnershiating, you believe it, you sense it, you feel it. Step one, have the conversation and share your experience. This is what I'm seeing, this is what I'm feeling, this is what I've noticed. Is there something we need to do? Can my co hosts agree on that?
Agreed?
Okay? Step number two ask the questions, ask what you want to know? Are you seeing somebody? Are you are you cheating? Are you happy in this relationship? Is there something that's missing? Is there something we need to do? Are you willing to do what needs to be done? Can my co hosts agree on that?
Agree?
Okay? Step number three, seek evidence and collect that get them receipts, Get them receipts. Okay? Can my co hosts agree on that? Okay? Step number four trust your intuition, with or without evidence. Trust your intuition, honor what you know, and recognize that you may be wrong, you may be off, but at least begin to trust your intuition. Can we agree on that? Are okay? Step number five employ the sacred geometry of choice. Choose based on what you're experiencing, what you're seeing, what you're feeling, what you're hearing. Choose whether or not this is the relationship and the conditions of this relationship or what you want for yourself. Can we agree you on that? All right? Well, we've got a clear roadmap about what to do. What to do five steps. I want to have the conversation, share your experience, ask questions about what you want to know, seek evidence, trust your intuition, and then make a choice. Anything else you want to add, mister.
Luke, I just want to say that, you know, like you said, the sacred geometry of choice is your power right and so you can choose to act within that power, choose to act from a place of you know, emotionless, or you can choose today what you want and what you will allow and disallow that can really build you up or break you down. Ms.
Kira, our baby and the group. Anything else you want to add.
Yeah, definitely, because this is something I've been practicing, just like you know before anything else. You know, you love yourself. I feel like that's something that we need to really like implement in our brains a little bit more like it's okay, to take care of yourself and you know, love on yourself before, because you can't love anybody else if you don't, you know, love yourself. So I feel like that's very important, you know, for everybody, you know, because I'm going through I just had you know, well not just had her, but my daughter. She's two years old, and it was really hard for me after having her. So I'm trying to, you know, come back to loving myself. And it's a journey, but I feel like that's the first step before you can get into any relationship, is just focusing on yourself.
All right, miss pat You've been there, done that. Anything else you want to add about knowing and your partner's cheating is.
To be self aware and always check in with you first, because before because nothing outside of us is happening, So always check in first with you. That's, you know, that was something that I had to develop, is learn how to check in with me.
First, because what is it in me that.
Allowing you know, accommodating, And it's not just in relationships, it's in all relationships, especially the one I'm having with myself.
So let me ask you this was he was he was he cheating?
Yes he was.
Okay, okay, And is that what caused the relationship, I mean, caused you to finally step out of the relationship, Yes.
Ma'am, it was It was the cheating and yeah he went and he's currently with cursing now. Yeah.
M You know, for the past few weeks, I've been working on this concept of is your hair on fire? Is your hair off? And those principles. While I apply them, I'm offering people to apply them to yourself first. As Miss pat said, to be self aware. I think there are also principles that we can apply to a relationship and when there's a suspicion of cheating. Number one honesty, Are you being honest with your partner? And can you trust that your partner is being honest with you just about where they are in the relationship, where they are in their life, Because if you don't have honesty, your hair will eventually burn off your head. The second one is accountability. Is your partner accountable to you? Are they accountable for their selves? Are they willing to be accountable for their behavior their presence in the relationship? Because without accountability, you will begin to accommodate, tolerate, diminished denied, dismiss those things that don't honor who you are and that don't bring, as mister Luke said, fresh air to the relationship. Integrity. Is this a person who has values that they live by? Do they have values that they live for? Is this a person who honors their word? They do what they say they're gonna do when they and are you a person of integrity both internal and external? Can I trust that you will do the right thing even when I'm not looking? That for me is about integrity and finally, responsibility. Are we both taking responsibility for the health and the vibrancy, the air, the life, the nurturing, the nourishment of this relationship. Because if you don't have those four things honesty, accountability, integrity, and responsibility by both partners that relationship not only the hair on the people's head, but that relationship, it's gonna burn down to the ground. So I want to thank you for being my very first co host. I think this was an exciting, exciting conversation, and I'm sure that there are those of our listeners who are going to be able to tune right into what you would saying. I thank you so much for being with me today and I thank you for listening to The R Spot. Hopefully you got something that you can use in your life and we'll be back real soon. In the meantime, stay in peace and not in peace. It bye. The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite show.