Men Have Feelings Too

Published Dec 14, 2022, 12:30 PM

In a powerful and hopefully-enlightening episode, Iyanla speaks with a father who was former military, and is now struggling with a divorce. He’s worried that his two adult children weren’t given a good life and may end up resenting him for his choice to leave their mother, even though it was best for him. Iyanla finds the real core of the issue and helps the caller, and maybe more listeners out there, learn to understand that men can experience heartbreak too… And sometimes they need to let it happen in order to grow.
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Executive Producers: Sandie Bailey, Alex Alcheh, Lauren Hohman, Tyler Klang & Gabrielle Collins

Producer & Editor: Vince Dajani

Associate Producer: Akiya McKnight

I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the fact that I was not always good at making my relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person. In other words, I have seen a lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I am here to share with you what I learned along the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to the Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with our Heart Radio. You know, sometimes as women, I think that we think that men don't have feelings and they don't have hearts. Now, sometimes it's because of the way that they behave and sometimes it's because of the stories we make up about them. I also think that sometimes men don't know how to say what they feel, and as women, we don't know how to hear it. Sometimes I think we're so busy trying to talk them out of what they're thinking that we don't give honor to their feeling. I put a call out and I said I wanted to talk to man, because I know the one place a man is willing to be vulnerable and share his heart is when it comes to dealing with his children. And sometimes as mothers and women. We don't honor and respect a man's heart as a father. So my hope is that and listening to my next caller my guests for today, that women will rethink what they think about how men bel Take a listen tweetings beloved, welcome to the art spot. Wow, how are you? Man? I'm blessed? How are you? I'm in r right now because you're one of my favorite people and I'm just in shock right now. So this is amazing. Well, take a breath. I'm crying. Thank you for calling. I'm always amazed and encouraged by the amount of courage it takes for someone to be so vulnerable to call and talk to basically a stranger. So you're in all with me. I'm in all with you. So we're just awe struck. How about that? And awesome? Sounds good? Man, sounds good? So how can I support you today? Let's talk about your relationship challenge, issue, dilemma. What's going on? So I currently going through a divorce which is spilled over into the to the children. Two children, one's about to be twenty two and one just turned seventeen. I've been active father in their life since birth. I've been married to their mother since they were both born. We're going through a separation and it it has definitely caused tormoil between me and the children. And I get a lot of mixed feedback from certain individuals of my circle, to include you know, lawyers and things, and a lot of times I get they're grown adults now, you know, And I think people miss the fact that grown adult or child is still our children. I don't think it changes the level of effect and hurt. So I'm just looking to find out, Hey, you know, how do I, as a father kind of re established the relationship, you know, the connection of the child and how do I put myself in a position to be that father again or is it that it's a new relationship mm hmm. First of all, how beautiful is that that you have been in their life since they were born? Yes, ma'am. How long has this separation or divorce? How long has that been going on? So the separation has been going on for close to three years. The divorce started legally back in April. Um. The relationship of me and my children has been tainted for well over a year now mm hmm. The reason I asked that is because your seventeen year old daughter was fourteens when this breakdown began, and the two year old daughter was nineteen when this breakdown began. And when we say the breakdown, that's me physically leaving the separation. Prior to that, there was trauma here and there with arguments and things that they were exposed to. Nothing physical, but definitely the normal yelling and screaming, which is why the separation happened. I chose to leave because we couldn't communicate anymore. Yeah, and the children are always collateral damage. So are both of the daughters distant from you or is it just one? Or where does the problem seem to me? It's definitely both both, okay? And what does that look like? What does the separation? What does this breakdown look like? Between you? And the lack of communication? I think there are times where they feel that my tone loud, which affects the communication. There's also the reaching out and not responding for a couple of days or not at all m hm. And that's where I feel the foundation is not there. It's like, how do I rebuild? We can't get aligned on communicating just to respond to a text or endo, a phone call to it that you're okay or I love you mm hm. Because that doesn't exist. I find myself poking to try to figure out how do I get a response? Yeah, what is the story they tell about why you and their mother are divorcing? Do you know? That parton though? But I do know that their main issue that they've expressed to me is how I responded to their grandparents during the situation where me as the father, I wanted to understand where my kids were at the time. Like you said, Cameron's about the team, and she would spend the night out or be at night out and I would find out after she came back, and that just didn't sit well. So grandparents got involved in a conversation between me and the spouse. You know, my tone was very aggressive. I'm not gonna respect me, didn't want my children you can leave my house at a very aggressive tone m hm. And unfortunately, when I look at it now, I understand why the kids are hurt because Dad was the act of due for twenty years and the grandparents played a very vital role, and they still played a vital role in their lives. So I understand the hurt, but I'm also believe in there's a place when adults are having arguments children me to stay out of it. But this you're dealing with a new kind of young person today. You're not dealing with the kind of young person that we were or that you were. How old are you, sir, I'm forty two years old. Man. Okay, yeah, so you come from a different generation. You're a millennial, you're right. And on top of the fact, my grandfather raised me. So with my grandfather raised me, I know I had some some old tendencies that may not you know, working today's age. So you know, we try to find different ways in different approaches. And your military yes, merrily tired. So you're rough, I'm telling you right now, you're rough, I am. You know. There are four types of parents. There's the drill sergeant parents, there's to make them happy errant, there's the inaccessible or unresponsive parent, and then there's the responsible parent and all of us, you know, at some point another cross one of those lines where the the jill sergeant do it because I said, do it do it this way, or where the okay, okay, okay, let me just make the child happy, or we're like, look, go somewhere and leave me alone. I don't have time for you. And then there's the okay, wait one second, I'll be with you. Come tell me what the problem is. If you had to classify your entire parenting history with your two daughters, what would be your top line? Jill sergeant, responsible, unavailable, make them happy. I think I was balanced in between make them happy, responsible and drill sey. Okay, probably responsible was down on the bottom wrong because being military, you probably weren't even aware of just your posture, how you stand, how you speak, you know, right, So, as the drill sergeant parent, make them happy, and that usually grows out of guilt if you're not around. When you are around, you want to make them happy. You want to give them this, you want to take them Okay, okay, good. So what happens in that instance when you're the drill sergeant is you have you you're trying to make them perfect, and then when they see your imperfections, what happens is they call it a contradiction or they say you are hypocrite, and then they're torn because here you come with the goodies and the money and the toys and the gifts, and let's go out and then they feel blackmailed. So it sounds to me I could be wrong somewhere somehow in that hypocritical perfectionists. I got goodies, I'm daddy, I'm gonna take care of you. They have lost respect for you, And I could say I definitely agree with that. Yeah, you touched on a very you know, you'll be away for eighteen months, you'll be away for a year, you come back, and then I would go on overdrive. I was coached when I was home. I was I was my daughter's vocal coach and manager. And you go from trying to do that, not you. I own it. I want you to own it. I go, I go back into that right. Yeah, but you're spot on as far as the relationship, and I can definitely see, especially over time, all that can manifest yourself into what it is right now. Yeah, I want you to understand. That's what the ghost thing or the silence is about. They're torn and they feel in one sense that you are hypocritical, and in another sense, because your daddy and they do have those memories and you do have a relationship with them, their hearts are broken because they don't want to hate you. But they're really they're really kind of piste off right now, you're right, all right, listen to me. I want you to listen to me with your with your shoulders and your backbone. I want you to hear this. Okay, yes, ma'am, you're not gonna lose your daughters because your relationship with them was established by the time they were five. But as you so wisely sad, you've got to build a new relationship with them. You have to build a new relationship with two young women. You're no longer parenting children. You're parenting two young women. Right, You're not going to lose your daughters. You've got to get that in your body. I know you wanted to look like this. That's the that's the drill sergeant. Put him in the closet right now, Send him off, deploy him somewhere, because what you're doing with the calling and the poking, that's what you're triggering up for them, the drill sergeant, and he is the hypocrite. We do not want him participating in this healing. Okay, Yes, and I really want you to hear that you're not going to lose your daughters because that fear and that belief is making you aggressive. If you just want to let them know I love you, that's a card. I love you, and I understand why we can't speak right now. That's a card. I love you and I understand how I messed up. That's a card. Mhm, what's the butt? I hear the butt? What is it? I've heard anger and I'm trying to push aside to why No, let's let that out. We do not want to push that aside. We wanted to come out. We want to give it a voice. We want to express it because you trying to hold onto it. That's what they feel, right. They can't manage that. That's too much. And we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's pick up where we left off. Can we go a little deeper here? Okay, take a breath. Oh, let's start here. I'm angry because I want you to repeat that and complete it. I'm angry because I feel like I've failed to give them a life that I wanted them to have. Okay, I think it'd be happy and just everything that they want to be for themselves. And I always wanted to make sure that they had the tools and resources, and that I could be there alongside them just be that oversight. I feel like I failed them because I I walked away from the marriage. I left, but I felt it was the right thing to do because the thing that they were seeing was just not what they should have seen as far as communication between someone that is supposed to be a significant other. So I've never given up anything in my entire life, never gave up. And I feel like I've given up on them by walking away from the marriage. And unfortunately, the painting their feelings is far greater than what I would imagine it was. And I'm in a position I don't not respond to it, and you feel weak. I don't know how to respond, and I feel that I do. I feel weak, depleted. Uh huh, this is the first time I've never felt like this in my entire life. This is different. A man shouldn't fel this type. This is a different type of energy. Yet, a man shouldn't feel that. A man is not feeling that, a father is feeling it. M hm, give yourself permission to feel it. Mr. Military, what branch were you? Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines? I was actively Air Force man. Okay, So you really, You've got strict regulations, because if you don't follow the strict regulations, somebody could die when I see. Yeah, but that's not what's going on here. I feel like I failed. Then I wanted them to be happy, and I walked away. I've never failed at anything, and now I failed at being a father. They saw too much, they heard too much. They hurt because of what I didn't do, and now I don't know what to do. I feel weak and depleted and I shouldn't feel this way. M hm. Did I get it all? Man? Yeah? Yeah, be right there. So I'm gonna say this to you, and you're not going to believe me. Okay, Small, you didn't do anything, ang and you have not failed. You may have walked away from the marriage because you were stepping into what you value and what matters for you. You're in a state of transition because what's happening is you're stuck in your head and all of this that I shared with you, feeling like a fail. You're walking away that that they saw too much. But Papa, that's all down in your body and the reason you're in pain is because you're living from the neck up. You gotta live from the neck down. Tell me what you heard me say. You don't have to repeat my words, but tell me what you're hearing inside of you right now. Just want them to be okay. They are okay, they are. It's you that's not okay. Tell me what's going on in your mind right now. I'm talking to you and I'm thinking about the shows that I've seen, and I'm trying to digest the vision of just the information that you've given me so I can process it. Well, You've got to surrender control. You're trying to control everything. You're trying to control how you feel. You're trying to control what they do. You're trying to control what this looks like. And what you have to do is be here right now and right now. You are broken hearted daddy. You're a broken hearted daddy. Would that be accurate? Just say yes, definitely give yourself permission to be a broken hearted daddy. Because the military guy can't solve this. You can't. So I'm gonna take you right down in the pit while I got you right on the pit of your belly, right here, right here, This is what I want you to say. I forgive myself for what say it. I forgive myself for I forgive myself for not being here when I saw time should have been there. No story. I forgive myself for not being there when I think I should have been. Take a breath. What else? I forgive myself for my tone at times? Yeah, okay, what else? Take a breath, Come on, breathe. I forgive myself for forgive myself for maybe not hearing them the way that has heard them if I wasn't put up. We're trying to fix everything else. Mm hmm. I forgive myself for not being a good listener. Would that be accurate? Yes? Man, Okay, come on say it. Own it. I need you to own it. I forgive myself or not being a good and active listener as I could have been, not as you could have been, You could not have been. If you could have been, you would have been. And that's where the problem is. You're holding yourself responsible for things that you didn't know how to do or that you didn't know was necessary because you've been living a dual life. What you had to do and live and be to be in the military to earn the money so that they could go to the p X and have a home and and do those things. You had that going on in your consciousness when Daddy needed a heart, and Daddy's heart may not have been available because of what Daddy had to do to be the man in the house. Come on, you've given these kids a good life. Mm hmm. Do you know how many twenty two year old and seventeen year old young women out here don't even know where their father is and here you are weeping and balling because they won't talk to you. Come on, brother, give yourself a break here and there snot he knows right now, and it ain't personal personal trust me, I had three year holes. It is not personal. Okay, what else? I forgive myself for what I give myself for not being able to say in the marriage. It's hard because I felt like it was for them, the girls, and I need to let that go in People change until death do us part. But death of what what I hear you saying. There was a death of communication, There was a death of civility. There was a death of compassion between you and their mother. That's none of their business and they are collateral damage to that. But don't make what happened in your marriage a part of what you did or didn't do for your daughters? Did you give them a good life? Are they living in the shelter? No? But no means do they have food to eat and clothes on their back? Yes? And when you were away for the eighteen months working, were they able to go to the p X and shop? Were they in a home? Yes? Well, can you give yourself some credit? I'm trying to well, why don't you deserve the credit for the good that you've done. This is not the military, you haven't been discharged from their life. Give them time to go through this, because you know what, You're not healthy for them right now, because you would be so busy from your guilt trying to make up for buying them stuff and acquiescent to them that and they would play you like a fiddle. Brother. I got three of them beasts, I know what they do. You need to get yourself whole and healed and healthy, get yourself up. They'll be back. Trust me when I tell you, they're probably have laundry and I'll be here. How about I forgive myself for taking care of myself in a way that has caused my daughter's hurt. You didn't hurt your daughters, but you leaving the marriage to take care of yourself cause them hurt. Can you forgive yourself for that of that? Yes, because I can give myself for that. I walked away because it was what was needed for myself. For them, yeah, not for them, not for them, Not for them. Just stay in your lane, stay in your car, in your road or lane in your world. When I walked away from the marriage because that's what I needed for me. Because who you were in the marriage isn't the demonstration you wanted to show your daughters. Yes, ah good, that's not who you wanted to be. But you haven't become who you want to be yet. You're still in that process of managing your tone and learning how to listen and giving yourself credit and forgiving yourself. This is your process now, because even if they showed up today, you'd be so busy apologizing and bending over backwards and guilt. It wouldn't be healthy. Does that make sense. We'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back. I am y'm lt. This is the our spot. Tell me how open you are to getting some help and support, and I'm very open to any resources. Hear me. You're judging yourself by military standards. Daddy's don't live by military standards. They live by their heart. And what you're gonna have to do is go down in the basement or in the closet and let your heartbreak. M hmm. You're fighting that tooth and nail. But until you let your heart break, this stuff is going to keep floating around in your head and you're just going to whip yourself to death. I want you to get some help because as the military guy, you know, he still has a lot of dominion in your head. And this is a daddy situation. H This is what I can tell you as a daughter. Daughters love their daddy's. They absolutely do. We want to be the princess and sometimes we'll fight mommy for daddy, you know. But right now, you've got a couple of things going on, baby, and this process is gonna take some time. So you're gonna go. You're gonna get yourself a supply of cards. I love you cards. You're the greatest thing in the world. Card. I just wanted to say hi, card. And you pick a day. I don't care if it's Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. You're sending each of them a card. Stop calling, stop texting, don't ever change your phone number. Yes, man, can I tell you a secret? Of course? Okay. My daughter passed away and she had a nine year old daughter, and I raised that nine year old. I did everything her mother wants at her to do. I sent her to private high school. I sent her to college. I supported her all throughout her college. She never had to work, she never had to do anything. I wanted her to focus on her studies. M She came home from college after four years, spent one night in my house, went to her father's house, who hadn't been involved in her life. And I haven't seen her in six years. She doesn't answer my call, she doesn't respond to my text. So after about a year of torturing myself, and that sounds like where you're at, torture and suffering, I had to give her permission to think whatever she thought, felt whatever she felt, and let her go. H I had to be willing never to see her again if that's what would make her happy. It's been six years and I still pray for her, and I still love her, and I still know that one day before I close my eyes for the last time, I'm gonna see her and wrap her up in my arms. But I have to be willing to let it be done on her time, not mine. You just have to be willing. But you're not gonna be willing until you process yourself through some of that pain. Please don't try to do this by yourself. The pain is too deep and the conflict is too great. But I promise you, when it happens, you're gonna owe me a dinner or a pair of shoes. Those are the two things that makes me happy. Food and shoes. Okay, when they show up in your life, you're gonna owe me a meal, and I like some really fancy places, or pair of shoes or both. I'm not worried you, So tell me something. You know now that you didn't know when you called something. I know now that I didn't know I made the quotes that I didn't fail. Oh good. If you don't know nothing else, I hope you know that even though you were away because of your children profession, you gave them a good life. I hope you know that, and I hope you know you need help to get through this next stage of the process. Okay, so when they call you, I don't care if it's next Tuesday or two years from now. You owe me a dinner and a pair of shoes because it's gonna happen. And if that doesn't work, get back in touch with me and let me know. And I've got some other people. I just don't want you out there by yourself. Okay, yes, ma'am. Can I ask you a question? Of course? Has anybody told you they love you today? Not today? That would be a no. I want you to know I love you today. I absolutely love you today. I love your courage. I love that you're daddy weeping for his babies. That is just so exciting to be. In fact, if I wasn't so old, it would be sexy than you're too much. But I'm old, so I can't go there. You're not listen. You heal your heart and go get you a girlfriend. Okay, that's what you do. Okay, stay in touch with me, let me know how you're doing. If you just have to call, I want to keep up with you. Okay, Thank you very much. I appreciate your time and energy and just everything that you put on the table for me to be able to look at and have some options and just things too to see differently. So thank you for your time and once again it was to be able to talk to you. You don't even know how many times are just shows on a little hard drives and being deployed location and watching your show and guys are coming like are you watching them? Like? Man so well, I appreciate it and take some time. Don't just get off this phone and go do something. Sit with what you've heard, let it ruminate in you. I really think it would be supportive for you to get below your neck. Love you mean it, See you soon, Bye bye. I want to say to all the men out there who are listening, or the women who are listening who have men in their lives that need to listen. I want to say to you, daddy's give yourself permission to let your heart break, because until you drop into your heart and clear out all of those feelings of guilt or sadness, or anger or fear, they will be a barrier between you and your children and you and their mother. Daddies have a right to experience heartbreak, and the only thing that keeps them from doing it is what they think other people will think about them. Daddy's let your heartbreak because that's the step to your healing. I hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you have a question about this or any other relationship issue, you can call me live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social media for all of the calling times, and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The Our Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

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Each week, New York Times best-selling author and famed spiritual life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, invite 
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